I know you think I'm just another sucker perpetrator

Things I've done lately:

Saw Serenity on the big screen in Champaign. For charity, no less. Though to be honest, evs. I'm poor, and I use it as an excuse to be a dick and hardly ever give to charity.

Saw Immortal Beloved. On the scale of Gary Oldman movies it ranks just below True Romance and considerably above Sid & Nancy (to me there is a good-sized gap between the horribleness of that movie and everything else of his I've seen).

Saw Strange Brew. Which I've been meaning to see for like 80 years now. On the scale of Rick Moranis movies.... oh, who am I kidding. Honey I Shrunk the Kids was an awesome movie. There's a huge ant!

Saw Ocean's 13 with my one remaining friend from high school. We have this weird friendship where one or the other of us occaisionally remembers that the other one exists and will call them up to do something. Bonus fun: she is uber christian, and I get to pretend like I don't joke about burning hookers every day. But really, she is fun to hang out with, even if we don't have that much in common anymore. And I saw the first 2 Oceans with her, so yeah. By the way, the new Oceans is a turd, and I knew this going into it, but I had to see it anyway for old time's sake.

Random things I'm proud of saying to strangers lately:

"You smell like my mom. No wonder Opt likes to do you." -- to Opt's boyfriend who I barely know.

"You're like a centaur! I mean, I wanted to go with "unicorn," but I thought you might think that was a little girly." -- to a guy at work who I barely know.

comics

Comics!

This one was an incident I'd been debating making into a comic for awhile but decided it would be a HUGE pain in the ass to draw it as originally intended.

This one I randomly found on my computer from a long time ago. I drew it for Opt because she got ran over by someone on a bike.

Another old thing (really old, from my time at WEEK) I found on my computer. Based on actual directions I was given once.

Last but not least, I found an old one meant to go up into the almost defunct group of comics I used to do where I took a really weird google search someone had used to find my blog and illustrated it (basically ripping off Spamusement.com). I don't know why, but sitemeter doesn't record referring searches anymore. But anyway, here it is, "Niggas Appreciate Honkeys".

What I've learned from these comics is that I think my rendering of blood has gotten better, but there's no way I could improve on the awesome anchor hair.

Anyway, I really hate my job. Like... really hate it. Even on the good days. And on the bad days..... well, just don't be surprised if I make world headlines for figuring out how to choke a bitch THROUGH A TELEPHONE.

painting without colors tends to make it better

A LOT of Comics.

this one is about this chick who sat near me the other day. She actually did say all of this to the customer. It was glorious.

this one did not happen.

this one is true.

this one is just a random thought I had.

will you stay near me now?

I love how I can make something like the miracle of birth for someone else, all about me.

Seriously, I'm a double aunt today! Which makes me happy, PH (Phew Harder) is finally here. But this is how I made it about me:

My sister said, "We will probably be in the hospital until Sunday. Usually they make you stay at least two nights."

And I thought, "Hmm, I don't remember her having to stay that long last time."

And then, "Oh, yeah, I was in the hospital myself the day after she had her kid last time."

And then, "I hope something else horrible doesn't happen."

And then, "Are you alright, appendix?"

Cause I'm sure that's the next thing to go. We'll see.

But I am happy to have an extra Phew around and that my sister's doing alright.

I got a lot of nerve and you do too

Proof that I have the MOST AWESOME NEPHEW EVER.

When we got into the car for dinner yesterday, he turns around to me and says:

"Do you have tickets to the gun show?"

Then while I am laughing my ass off he adds:

"They're right over there."

Gentlemen, my work here is done.

I will freak you like you've never been freaked before

So I finally got my brother in law a book. I hope he likes it. If he doesn't, he knows where to return it. I feel kind of crappy that I left it to the last minute and so couldn't use a coupon, but oh well.

It was awesome to visit Borders, I got to see Kevin, Giggles, Renegade, and Lister. Lately it seems like no one I know's been working, so this was nice.

Lister and I discussed army haircuts.

Giggles and I discussed why we think pith helmets should be named something else, because they don't really protect your head. Also: paleontology.

Kevin was awesome, I've missed him so much. We discussed how "evs" went from something we mocked to something we accidently slip into every day discussion, how Welcome Back Kotter is NO Happy Days, DJs who say, "anything Harry Potter," and like a million other things.

Renegade I've missed too (not that I don't miss Lister and Giggles, but I dunno, I miss Renegade's cynicism and Kevin's the opposite of that). I was like, "It's Renegade!" and then let it hang in the air because I usually greet him with, "It's Renegade! More than meets the eye!" and he always says he hates it. And he of course told me not to. But then he was like, "After the movie comes out you can sing the whole theme song to me if you want to." And I was like, "yeah then I'll be like, "ha ha, you still work here and Harry Potter is coming out soon." Then he left and was like, "I have things to do now! You should've talked to me earlier instead of spending all your time talking to those jerks back there!"

Good times.

her skin is cinnamon

So I can tell that I don't like my job right now because of my hands. I have this weird nervous habit where I pick at the skin around my fingernails. I do this even when I'm fine, I've done this as long as I can remember. But when I am really bored or nervous or unhappy, I make myself bleed.

I gave myself one bad enough on my thumb that YM and, the Phew of all people, have noticed and said something about. Then there was some stupid meeting today and I was bored, and I did some more damage.

In other news, I love how ghetto my car is becoming. It's pretty old, and I haven't had too many "real" problems with it, but all the sudden random things fall off. This speaker in the door just fell out one day, and now it's the volume knob on my radio.

The other musing I've had lately is regarding moths. These guys seriously must be the Pauly Shores of the insect world. They're SO STUPID. What possible evolutionary directive could they be following by randomly swarming around light and seriously wounding themselves? Anyway, this is because there's a light by the front door of my apt building that attracts them. It's right at head level and next to the door, so they will literally fly into me and my hair. It's kind of like my own mini The Birds. Plus, when anyone opens the door, they bolt for the light in the foyer, and so the whole inside of my apt building is just randomly littered with dead moths who apparently flew around in there till they died of no food or whatever. It's kind of macabre, not to mention depressing. I feel sorry for them.

comicz yeah

new comic, but a small excerpt from the call that made me think "if I don't get chocolate RIGHT NOW, I am going to BURN THE FUCKING BUILDING DOWN."

The subtitle, you'll only get if you've seen the movie it's from, but I feel that it was the thing I'm most obviously going to think of when I combine chinese people and what look like earmuffs.

joyless joyless

So the last two days, work has been all right. The last two days before that, it was hell. So I don't really know what to think. I did get one guy today that activated one of my stronger peeves, though.

Here it is, in comic form.

Seriously, though. I've been told I'll laugh at nearly everything. If I don't laugh at something, you are probably not funny at all. And if you get mad at me for not laughing at your non-funny joke that is your fault, you are a complete douche. People that blame me when their joke bombs seriously make me want to stab them. Also, I didn't really cut anything out. The transition was really that swift.

I saw my baby trying hard as they could try

Yesterday was pretty good. My parents bought me a boatload of stuff at Sam's Club, then we went to my sister's house to babysit the 'Phew for awhile. Then after awhile we went out to dinner for Father's Day (we did it yesterday because today I have to work during dinner time). It was pretty good, except I was really tired out from the day before and had a headache so I wasn't too exciting for the 'Phew, and I was mildly cranky. But all and all, a good time was had. I had something at the Olive Garden so garlicky that it buuuuurned. Garlic is awesome.

Also I was telling my sister and her husband how I was calling the second Phew "Phew II: Phew Harder." Which, I had thought I'd told them that before (everyone has a different nickname for the fetus, as my weird brother-in-law does not want to tell anyone the kid's name until it's born, so my mom calls him "the brother," my grandpa calls him "whatshisname" etc. so there is literally nothing else I would be likely to call Phew Harder by). Anyway, he thought it was pretty funny and came up with a "phew" more for me. Though Phew Harder is still my favorite.

The Phew Strikes Back
Phew Fast Phew Furious
Hot Shots: part Phew
Back to the Phew-ture
The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Phew

I kind of wish that they were going to have a third one, because who wouldn't love:

Phew with a Vengeance or
Phew: Tokyo Drift

Then I came home, watched one of the movies Herd was so kind to lend me the other night, and passed out.

beep boop

So... even more awesomeness: I got to hang out with YM & Herd. I got really hyper and weird but they were like, "evs." So it was awesome. I made a weird noise at a bar and frightened strangers. Also awesome.

Ignore me!

Today was the shit. I'm not even kidding. Awesomeness that happened:

Elaine and I finally FINALLY watched some Venture Bros. together. This is awesome because I enjoy Elaine and haven't seen her in awhile. This is awesome because I enjoy human interaction. This is awesome because Venture Bros. is HILARIOUS. It might have actually gained the much-coveted spot of "second favorite after Home Movies" for me.

Work didn't suck today! I got no overly douchey people or completely unintelligable foriegners. We were out of queue most of the day, which is a first. I accidently sat near one of the douchey guys (For Opt's info--not the one who looks like Bobby, he is still retarded and I will Amishly shun him forever, and not the one who was like, "How old ARE you?") and he was actually entertaining as well as douchey, so I enjoyed it. Not to mention he's one of the few people at that job who've ever tried to talk to me at all (though it was mostly self involved stories of his, they were at least funny). Also, another chick and I emailed each other about David Hasselhof back and forth a couple of times, I'm thinking she is awesome friend material if I play my cards right.

After work, well.....

Me: today I almost felt human
Ryan: it's a good thing you're still a mutant
Ryan: or I'd feel uncomfortable talking with you
Me: true
Me: plus I just drew a picture of RJ peeing on Tami
Me: which made my day
Ryan: hahaha
Ryan: best picture
Ryan: ever

afdsdfas

I don't know if I can make it. I have serious doubts. You have to stay where I am for one year before you can be promoted on to anything else. I really, really, hate my job. I kept thinking it would get better as I learned more what I was doing. But it's not. I still hate it. I swear to you:

I had a difficult call before my break. I immediately went to our little snack place to buy chocolate. I was stuck behind two slow-ish people. And I swear to you, I thought, "I am going to BURN THIS FUCKING BUILDING DOWN if I do not get my chocolate NOW."

That is how angry I am EVERY MINUTE of EVERY HOUR that I spend at work.

People tell me not to take the dickish people personally, that they're just dicks. And I'm like, "Duh, I did work in retail, you know." I know people are ass clowns. But... it's just so much negativity and/or stupidness foisted on me full tilt for 30 hours every week that I'm finding it hard to take. It makes Borders look like a paradise, comparatively. On top of the fact that the sheer volume of angry, dickish people is way larger, I can't just give them to the supervisor whenever they get bitchy like I did before. Also, I can't even tell them when I can't do something for them, I'm supposed to repeat over and over what I can do, which only makes them more angry.

I dunno, maybe I am a lazy horrible person with no work ethic and when things get the slightest bit rough, I run away. Or, more to the point, I just really, really hate people. Every job I've ever had, the part I hated was the people I had to deal with. Old Lady Store: Hated the Old Ladies. WEEK: Hated douchey coworkers. Borders: hated customers and hosebeast boss. New job: hate customers. I don't know what I should do about it, though. Or where I can find a job where I either don't interact with people or only interact with mostly non horrible ones.

I don't know, at this point I'm just whining because I'm so frustrated and wish I knew what I should do with myself.

I'm batman

I feel rather guilty that when I don't have friends I spend more time with my family. Like... "Well, I guess you'll do if I can't find anyone else." But I have had some pretty awesome times with them lately. Today I came over to their house and played a couple rousing games of cribbage with my dad (I pegged 12 points on one play! That is fucking awesome, trust me). Then later we had dinner with my sister's family and hung out with them awhile.

I'm telling you, I love the 'Phew more and more each time I see him. At one point he randomly started playing this game where he would jump over my legs. And he was bad at it, he kept falling and hurting himself and/or me. So then I finally drew my legs up to my chest and was sitting there. And the look in the face, the instant he decided to try and jump over them again anyway..... just priceless. An instant later, I have small child on me and am laughing my lungs out, and he's laughing too, and it just makes me laugh harder and harder.

My dad also tried the Adam & Eve and Pinch Me thing on him again, and he said "Michael," this time. And again, we don't know who this Mike/Michael is. We figure it's someone at daycare, but who knows.

I also love how bipolar small children are. They were trying to get him to use the bathroom, and he got mad and started angrily yelling "I'm stupid! stupid! stupid!" and then like two seconds later we hear him from the bathroom happily yelling, "I'm batman!"

Those are the most hilarious, the rest might be boring minutae to others, but I want to document it for my own enjoyment:


--I was flattered by how much he seemed to enjoy the voice I did for this monkey toy my parents just got for him.

--when my Dad was cheating at this game he was playing with the 'Phew and the 'Phew angrily says, "You can't play! You mess everything up!"

--he was cleaning something up and I tell the rest, "He's almost done." And he turns to them and yells, "I'm almost done!"

friendship is rare

Damn my poor socialization skills. But I still think the problem is more how things are set up. I mean, I'm not that astonished that I haven't made buddies yet, but it kind of sucks how hard it is to do in this job even if I were more compatible with these people.

For instance: today on the way out I ended up walking out with this dude from my training class that I've never really spoken to before. He seems alright, like we could be friends. On the way out there were randomly a bunch of security dudes in the lobby, and when we were out of earshot, I said, "I really wanted to make a joke about having a bomb in my shoes. But that would probably be a bad idea, I can see them wrestling me to the ground trying to get my shoes off." And he said, "Well that's when you tell them that's what sets it off." And I wanted to be like, "BE MY NEW BEST FRIEND." But as is, I've worked with him almost a month now and this tidbit is all we've spoken, so I can pretty much see never talking to him again or at least not enough to be friends. And I've had tons of tidbits with people. But I will never ever get to know any of these people. It's poopy.

In other news I hate people. They should stop being dicks to me.

tee shirt II

Me: man
Me: it sucks that I'm so poor that buying a tee shirt is a major life decision for me
Ryan: haha yeah
Me: I think I'm going to do it
Me: I think I'm going to get a tee shirt
Ryan: dooooo it
Me: hopefully it fits
Me: as I said, I will be enraged if it doesn't
Ryan: you are legally able to kill Sufjan stevens if it doesn't
Phoemeister: YES
Phoemeister: I win

we show no emotion

Me: Ryanthor!
Ryan: Amystopheles!
Me: yessss
Me: I like that one
Me: I'm keeping it
Ryan: haha nice
Me: I have to change all my logins on everything from Phoemeister to that
Ryan: I would be honored
Me: well, I am getting tired of explainin Phoemeister to people
Me: I'd think Amystopheles would be more self explanitory
Ryan: "i'm pretty much the devil and my name is amy"
Me: that's exactly the message I want to convey
Me: too bad I'm so lazy
Me: haha next time someone asks me what Phoemeister means
Me: I should be like, "It means I was too lazy to change it to Amystopheles like I wanted"
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: That's a good reason

things I will never have

I'm too poor to afford them anyway, but I have had tee shirts on the brain for a little while now. Here are the ones I want:

This one most of all. But it only comes in a small. People who know me know that this shirt was made for me, but I can't buy it cause I wouldn't fit.

I like Sufjan, I like puns. I think I never got it cause I feel like a poser for getting shirts from bands I've never seen live. But I do love Sufjan.

This one just cracks me up. It also reminds me of a plotline in Achewood that I enjoy.

This one combines two things I love, puns, references to the Beastie Boys (though I don't really listen to them).

This one is fucking hilarious.

McSweeney's just wins. And I'd be helping them out with their bankruptcy if I got it!

Speaking of Achewood... I think I like this one because it's funny even if you don't read Achewood. I've also always rather fancied the Achewood shirt that says, "Everybody Dance Like There's Ass In Your Pants." And "Man, why you even got to do a thing." I think I could pull this one off better, though.

I'm on a mission from god

For whatever reason, I get nervous if my blog is all short, punchy, positive posts. Or if it's all long, narcistic whiney posts. I kind of need a lot of posts that are in between or a mixture of both.

But anyway, I guess lately I've not had a ton to say. I've realized that I do hate my job, but I'm hoping it lessens as I get better at it. I'm still so nervous while I do it that it turns every shift into a long emotional ordeal where my nerves are tightly stretched so much that they twang like bowstrings. I don't know if I'm nostalgizing, but I can't remember being this worried when I started at Borders.

Speaking of nostalgizing: I miss Borders SO MUCH. I tell myself not to, I try to remember how shitty I felt by the end of my run there. How I was locked in a never ending emotional battle with Tami that made me feel like shit most of the time, times when I had to spend my whole day at registers, Christmastime, how most of my friends working there left already.

But what I really think of is being able to talk with my friends at work (though I got in trouble for it), a customer base that was slightly more respectful to me, actually knowing what I was doing, and knowing even when I didn't know that I probably wasn't going to get my company sued by saying one slightly wrong thing.

Man, I really wish I knew what I fucking wanted, and if it's worth sticking out my year at my job to try and get promoted elsewhere in the company. Working in a library still looks really appealing, but I applied to all of them before and none of them wants me, and I don't want to get a goddamn masters degree in library science without actually knowing I like working in that environment. I don't know what else I'd like to do, other than that I really want a job where people see me as a person.

I've also been listening a lot to this song called "2 Weeks Notice" by this guy I used to work with at Borders, and I can't decide whether it's because I hate my new job and want to give 2 weeks notice, I miss him and the other people at Borders, or I'm just in the mood for the song.

Plus, since it's part time and I have to pay for my own health insurance now, I'm really not making any more money than I was before. I have more free time, but nothing to do with it, since most of my friends moved away. So it's like, I spend all day at home alone, and then go to a job where I can't talk to my coworkers and the customer interactions are not very satisfying. So I'm still poor, and still lonely.

damn good times

new comic based on a hilarious story from a friend.

Here, also, is a description Ryan gave me concerning a picture of myself:

"that one has a hint of "I am so scared of you that I'm about to punch you in the clavicle""

noodles are the smell of denial

Today I went to the Tremont turkey festival with my Dad and ate the leg of a turkey. Then I hung out with Opt and ate some noodles.

whatever, dude

I made another one. And the fact in the last panel IS true, I'm trying to find a way to use $30 bucks worth of these a month to make up for losing 30 bucks worth of store credit at borders every month.

this line is metaphysical

Okay, this comic isn't that funny, but making it gave me some catharsis.

So read it here

win

Me: also I'm reading a book about gay trolls
Mike: well thats certainly interesting
Mike: im reading dune
Me: mine wins

I'm your man, and I buy the drugs

Thankfully, I've not tried to answer the phone at work with the Borders spiel, but all the time when I start out asking a customer a question, I'll be like, "Now sir, do you..." and my brain screams, "have borders rewards?" and then I forget what I was actually going to ask, and the customer is disconcerted by the pause. Also awesome is at the end of the phone call when I say, "Thank you for calling..." my brain also insists on screaming "Borders!" and again I have this weird-ass pause before I say the name of the corporation that currently owns me.

perfect teeth designed to hide what lies beneath

I only just heard about this today, but already I want to see it SO BAD.

I will jumpstart the car parked in your mind

So hung out with my family, discussed my financial future, worked more on teaching the 'phew how to flex his muscles and say, "Do you want free tickets to the gun show?"

I've found that trying to make him say it makes him think you're asking him. And he'll either say enthusiasticly, "YESS" or "no." And then if he says no, he'll say, "Can I have tickets to the gun show." And then I have to give him imaginary tickets to the gun show. Mostly I do that by flexing my arm and pointing and saying, "They're right over there," and he pretends to pick it up and says, "got it!"

I did, however, have great progress in teaching him how to yell "GUN SHOW!!" while flexing his muscles and baring his teeth. It was awesome. My proudest moment is going to be when he goes up to a teacher at day care and either says, "Can I have tickets to the gun show," or just screams, "GUN SHOW!!" and then my sister or her husband has to explain to them. Bonus points if he starts getting any of the other kids at daycare saying it.

I can't wait to corrupt PH (Phew Harder, AKA the next one my sister's working on having).

Oh and here's an awesome bit of dialogue between my Dad and the Phew.

Dad: Adam & Eve & Pinch me went down to the river to bathe. Adam & Eve drowned, who was saved?
The Phew: Mike.

Me: did you watch the video for I Buy the Drugs?
Ryan: hmm nope
Me: okay what I love about it is that they actually go by these names
Suibrom: Tait Nucleus
Phoemeister: haha Tait Nucleus is the best one. At the end they all do beer bongs and he is hilariously incompetant at his.
Ryan: haha nice
Ryan: that guy is totally me
Me: Tait has the best outfit, too
Ryan: I agree
Me: except I do like Dick's glasses
Phoemeister: Oh and Tait has the best pose at the beginning
Ryan: haha yeah
Ryan: I need to do that more often
Me: OH MY GOD
Me: I think every time I leave a building I should stop and do this
Me: and never tell anyone why
Ryan: hahah
Me: also I want to marry him and be named Amy Nucleus
Ryan: haha that would be an awesome name
Me: that's what I'm saying
Ruam: can I marry him too and be Ryan Nucleus?
Ryan: you could be Amy Na$hinal
Me: haha
Me: you could be Ryan The Colonel
Ryan: haha
Ryan: I already am the colonel
Me: also I love the weiner dog in that video
Ryan: I love that he looks like he's going to eat it
Me: haha yeah at one point I was like, "did the wiener dog get injured during the making of this?"

you can't ignore my techno

So I've only been taking calls for two days, but I have calculated a rough estimate of what I'm going to do every day.

--At least two incredibly frustrating claims with people who have a really, really bad grasp on english that take at least half an hour apiece.

--A handful of claims with people I can effectively communicate with

--A handful of people asking questions I can't help them with, but are nice about it.

--the rest is people asking questions I can't help with that get fucking snotty about it and/or trying to badger me until I give them an answer I don't have and/or could get fired for telling them.

But lest you think I am complaining, here are the pros of my new job that I've enjoyed today and yesterday:

--free candy

--free ghettoly mispelled refridgerator magnets

--free cake

--free Dr. Pepper

--a boss that doesn't make me want to stab my eyes out

--No metalhead Ed

On an unrelated note, whoever it is that replaced my downstairs neighbors was listening to "S8er Boi" by Avril Lavigne when I came home. Talk about trading down. Though I shouldn't talk, I promptly went upstairs and started listening to "I'm the Bomb" by Electric Six.

die white girls die white girls

I believe it was Opt who once said, "I can't wait until you start making comics about your new job."

Well wait no longer. I have two takes on the same phone call.

Hrneqlspd


Hrneqlspd II

1) I really did make him spell this several times, and there was another woman listening too. And every time, it was this.

2) The thing he said about me, he said like three goddamned times.

Anyway, I am not sure whether I want to name this section "cLAMEs" or "Retards Who Call Me Up On The Phone." Give me some input, people.

truth be told the child was born

So I'm really pumped, at work I ended up recieving these sweet new refrigerator magnets with my name mispelled on them. Added bonus: they are pretty ghetto looking.

And I'm not being sarcastic, I do strangely enjoy them.

Anyway, my name got mispelled somehow on these magnets we're supposed to put on our lockers, and when I got the replacement ones I decided to give the randomly mispelled ones a place of honor in my kitchen.

I think this goes with the star wars stamps in the category of things I'm way too excited about that no one else would be.

in the office tower

Yesterday: pretty awesome aside from poo difficulties early on.

Opt called me and we talked for a long time, which I've missed. Thankfully, she does not think I am too much of a corporate zombie to abandon (yet).

Then my parents took me out for an awesome dinner.

Then I went to a party, and I learned how to make a better shiv from a toothbrush, and how to make when I break a bottle and stab people more effiicent.

gay bar! gay bar!

Me: okay, should I or should I not message someone I want to like me with "I got something to put in you at the gay bar! Gay bar!"
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: you totally should
Me: awww, perhaps this person knew I was going to say that
Me: he left before I could message him about gay bar fun
Ryan: you could say "I wanna take you to a GAY BAR! GAY BAR!"
Ryan: and then when they go "uh what?"
Ryan: you can be like "LET"S START A WAR"
Me: wouldn't it be awesome if for a day I could only say lines from Electric Six songs?
Me: like someone calls up about a claim
Ryan: I have a feeling.. that might not work out well
Me: and I'm like, "GAY BAR GAY BAR"
Ryan: what would be even more awesome
Ryan: is if someone called up for a claim
Ryan: about a fire at the taco bell
Me: ROFLMAO
Me: and I'd be like, "ITS MY DESIRE"
Ryan: hahahah
Ryan: yeaih I was just going to say that

poooo

Don't you hate it when you're up till 4 am because you can't sleep and then you wake up at 8 am because you have fucking colitis and it hurts. And then you can't get back to sleep, no, your body insists on feeling shitty for several hours instead.

Colitis, you are not invited to my pizza party.

my backpack's got jets

Reason I am a child #202345

I went to the post office today. I bought Star Wars stamps. I was way too excited about it.

it's the great god bird with its altar call

Me: and it probably did bug me the first time you said it
Ryan: haha probably, but that's most of what I say
Ryan: "I masturbate to dead hookers on fire!" "what? you sicko"
Ryan: "I masturbate to dead hookers on fire" "interesting.. go on.."
Ryan: "I masturbate to dead hookers on fire" "Woo! Me too!'
Me: ROFLMAO
Me: it's like I've developed stockholm syndrome


Ryan: but there's nothing good about a musician that plays certain notes and chords, and then can't sing with them
Me: I dunno, I not only not dislike his voice because of what he does I love it more
Ryan: when I listen to wolf parade.. I totally picture some drag queen that is trying to sing like a woman, and is drunk
Me: haha that will make it even awesomer
Me: in my head
Me: when I listen to wolf parade

these convers and more at Gwasas. I mean YEARS of convers. All jumbled up and out of order, even!

in which I illustrate how old I am

Me: oh my god I felt so old yesterday
Ryan: haha why?
Me: this girl in my training class graduated high school the previous weekend, and she was saying that it was horrible (she had a fight with her dad and some stuff)
Me: and I was like, "yeah, sometimes graduation sucks. My high school graduation went okay, but my college one sucked pretty hard."
Me: and this guy sitting near us was like, "how old are you?" to me
Me: and like he wasn't trying to be funny or anything either
Me: so I told him 25 and that that hip replacement surgery was just around the corner for me
Ryan: hahah

how did you feel, being denied these hungry, hungry hippos?

So I hung out with YM last night, and it was awesome. She says she's trying to keep the spirit of Your Mom jokes alive at Borders, but that everyone's like, "Phoe isn't around, it's not funny anymore," which is weirdly sweet (both of her, and them).

Anyway, I miss her, I haven't hung out with her enough since I quit borders, I'm resolving to do it more. I also miss people who don't suck in general. Seriously, I'm not getting along with the people at work. I've finally identified a couple of people who seem to find the same things as I do funny, but all overtures I make have been repelled, not to mention a high percentage of the ones I feel are like me I also feel are douches. Why does it have to be this difficult? I swear, I met one of YM's new roommates tonight, and he and I have had probably more (not to mention more interesting) conversation in the couple of hours we were all watching Donnie Darko together than I have with any of the people at work in the last two weeks. Why is this? Why can I be this comfortable with one stranger and not another?

Note to self: find a hobby that makes me go out and meet people who aren't fucking boring and/or douchey bastards.

glasgow lies bleeding in the afternoon

You know, it's kind of funny, I was happy about my new job being part time. And after I cut ties with Borders, I had no urge whatsoever to get another one to fill in the extra hours, because I value free time more than I do money, and I thought I had enough to support myself (for the most part). Whenever I am busy, all I long to do is have free time.

But I seem to forget whenever I have it, I end up cooped up in my place all day alone, and it drives me nuts. It's not that I can't spend any time alone, it's just that I spend so much. And I'm not as good at it as I was before I had friends.

Also, I wonder what killed my attention span. I used to have ADD, but not like this.

I dunno. Just felt like complainin'

in competition for the worst time

Am I a music snob?

The other day I died inside when I told someone at work that I listen to indie, and they thought it was a band name.

In fact, I hate telling people I listen to indie in the first place, it sounds so pretentious. But the fact is, since I've joined Borders, I pretty much listen to indie or else things that might as well be (on a major label but not a million people listen to it). It was a split second decision, I probably should've just said rock. Because I heart the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Lifehouse and others that are hardly indie. Even Ben Folds is on a major label.

But yeah, if I'm talking to anyone and they tell me what music they like, the only way for them to win is to cite specific bands or say rock.

--If they say indie, I dislike them for being pretentious.
--if they say "just about everything but country or rap" I dislike them for being vague.
--If they say rap or country I dislike them for liking horrible music (country's not so bad, sometimes. Depends on what groups).

But if I try the specific band approach people don't like me because they're like, "who the fuck is Sufjan Stevens?" Or worse, I'll mention Ben Folds, and they won't have heard of him, and then I have to dig up his one hit song from the 90's, and they either still haven't heard of him or think it's horrible (not his best work, I agree). Or probably, in the case of the fetuses I am working with now, they don't remember any of the 90's and I just feel old.

But anyway, yeah I did dislike this person (whose own answer to the question, by the way, was Country) who thought indie was a specific band. Way more than I disliked her for only liking country (I live in the midwest where everyone likes it, and not all country is horrible, so I cut people a little more slack).

So I probably am a horrible person, and I probably do judge people on their musical tastes. But... I can still like the person if they're good otherwise. Also, I get happy when stuff I like gets popular, unlike true indie snobs. I like it when the band I like gets money for making music that I love. I like it when I mention a band I love to someone and they actually have heard of them.

metal now, but I've always been

So last night I had a dream that my parents were trying to give me venison flavored rice a roni.

The night before, I actually had my first nightmare about my new job, though it was rather tame, compared to some job or school related nightmares I've had in the past. Basically just random things, like I couldn't figure out how to operate the phone, and my workstation suddenly started being in Spanish.

And actually the day before that, I did get my first caller hanging up on me, though according to my person helping me that day, that woman was just a jerk who wanted us to do her work for her.

Also, it still sucks that all of my training class is a bunch of 18 year olds. It makes me feel like I've wasted the last 7 years of my life, and I could be way ahead of where I am right now if only I'd somehow gotten this job at 18. It's also a creepy feeling to be almost 10 years older than a good number of my colleagues, I wonder if they think I'm like a middle aged woman trying to "fit in" when I talk to them.

In other news, I got paid yesterday, and it's way better than what I got paid before.

Gold lion's gonna tell me where the light is

Cause doesn't everyone like discussing penises with non strangers:

(this is RE: a snafu I had with Amazon not sending Ryan the birthday gift I got him)

Me: haha fuckers
Me: it's actually yesterday that is the date that if it doesn't come by I can get a reimbursement
Me: but yeah I can't make the claim until the 28th I guess
Ryan: that's pretty stupid
Me: yeah so I have to wait till then, wait to make sure they actually give me my money back, and then try to get this thing somwehre else and send it to you there
Ryan: and then it will arrive
Ryan: and I'll keep it
Ryan: and get two!
Me: haha I don't think you'll want two all that badly
Ryan: is it a wang?
Me: haha no
Ryan: could it be used as one?
Me: if you really really wanted to stick it up your ass, I guess you could
Ryan: woo hoo

cause it already is

Who doesn't love discussing penis with strangers?

Me: please don't stalk me and send me unwanted penis now
Bor: no worries
Bor: i don't take pictures of my penis
Me: phew
Bor: haha.. don't fake it.. you're TOTALLY disappointed
Me: well of course I am. It's like you took away Christmas.
Bor: it's not like I took away xmas... I DID take away xmas
Me: aww, I didn't get the memo this year about christmas being turned into a picture of a man's penis

I regret leaving my soul

Since I'm a no-good punk who doesn't pay attention while I'm being trained, I've started to draw a lot at work. Here are the results.

Orig drawings:

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/55933646/?qo=2&q=by%3Aphoemeister&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps


http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/55932294/?qo=6&q=by%3Aphoemeister&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps


What I do to them when I get home:

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/55932549/?qo=3&q=by%3Aphoemeister&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/55933717/?qo=1&q=by%3Aphoemeister&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps

And yes, I name them after whatever song I think of or am listening to at the time because I have no imagination.

life is short and hard like a bodybuilding elf

Fucknuts. This just isn't my day.

I came out to my car to go to work this afternoon, and the entire back window was shattered. Like... there was a small (fist sized? Little bigger) hole in it, but the whole thing was shattered. And getting into my car and slamming the door made it all fall out. Except for the bits that stayed around the edges so that they could randomly fly out or into the front seat every time I braked or accelerated. My dad is taking care of it though (letting me drive his car, until it's fixed, going to get it fixed). Best dad ever.

Then when I got home I tried to charge my phone, which did not work. So that was un awesome too.

go home and listen to the cure

Saw Spiderman 3 today with my dad. I actually liked it more than I have the others, I think it's mostly because I had low expectations. Honestly, I love Spiderman but the movies just aren't the same for me, so I guess I finally managed to separate the two things.

Also I think I enjoyed it more because Opt was telling me about the emo hair beforehand, and it made me laugh more when I saw it.

this honkey's gone to heaven

Wow, people got concerned about me over my last post. That's really nice :) But just to let you know, I don't think it's my pills or anything. I really AM a lightweight. And when I say that I have never had more than two drinks at once, I mean like really girly drinks (margaritas and such). And usually over a good long period of time.

--Whereas I was on an absolutely empty stomach (I was actually REALLY hungry but didn't feel I had time in between work and meeting my people to eat).

--I sucked down a ton of alcohol, including a long island iced tea, which is really, really alcoholic. It's like 5 parts of hard alcohol to a splash of coke, and in a really big glass. It was pretty much clear.

--I did it all pretty quickly

Up until like a year or two ago I could count the drinks I've ever had on my hand. I still drink once a month or less, probably. And like I said, it's one or two.

So anyway, yeah I'm a total lightweight. No, I'm not going to get drunk again soon, if ever. Yes, I did somewhat MEAN to get drunk, so it actually was my decision. There was talk of more alcohol and I said, "no no no." So it's not like I just randomly woke up in a field somewhere in a pool of my own vomit with my pants down.


Anyway I had a pretty good day, Opt was up from the Paign and we hung out all day. I made awesome cheesy chicken pasta and we played Monkey Island II: Lechuck's Revenge, listened to awesome music including but not limited to the Pixies and Bloodhound Gang, got a free dessert from Borders, talked to Lister & Herd while we were there. She actually came the night before, and we played even more Monkey Island and talked for a million years.

Speaking of yesterday, work seems to be going alright. I suck at what I do (because I don't know what I'm doing yet) and am slightly terrified of fucking up, but I like that I'm one of the few people brave enough to talk to actual customers yet during "buddy time" (when we go out on the floor with an experienced person). I'm hoping that if I keep this up, I'll actually be somewhat decent at my job by the time I'm out of training.

drunkness

So I not only got drunk last night, but at least twice as drunk as I have ever been. But to give you the bigger picture: I still didn't throw up or anything, and this was off only three drinks.

Still, I needed assistance walking. Also, when I woke up I was like, "sweet, no hangover!" But when I ran into like 8 things on my way to the bathroom, I realized I was still really drunk. And taking a shower while still really drunk was a task so difficult as to be nearly impossible (I'm glad I decided to, though, because what I had really wanted to was cook, and I'm sure drunk cooking would've been worse). I'm actually still kind of tipsy at 1 o'clock today, almost 12 hours after I had the alcohol in question. I really, really hope I sober up by the time I have to drive to work at 4.

So that was my second going away party. It was actually just Dance Whore and I for awhile. He said it was alright because he didn't think he was going to miss many people aside from the man clique which is already mostly disbanded, and me, so seeing me was enough. That was really sweet. It was also hilarious (and slightly sad) that he had been drinking since noon and was still way more sober than I was. Then YM and Herd showed up. So I can truthfully say that these three people are the only people on the planet (that I know, anyway) who've actually seen me drunk. Anyway, Dance Whore bought me a long island iced tea and a red headed slut, and then Herd bought us all a lemon drop. I totally knew these would get me hammered (hell, I was drunker than I've ever been after I had the redhead and half the long island), because I've never had more than 2 drinks before and usually limit my consumption to really girly drinks. But I kind of didn't care.

Anyway, pros of being drunk-everything is hilarious. And apparently I'm an amusing drunk. I say witty things like, "I'm so drunk," over and over. Also they're right about alcohol leading to unwanted sexual encounters, because after YM & Herd helped me get home, YM totally got on top of me and gave me a vigorous humping. She also apparently fondled me but I didn't notice at the time. But it was also very reassuring to have them there to help me drink water and get to my bathroom and up my stairs.

Cons of being drunk-I kind of noticed this while they were there, but I either got drunker as time wore on or just wasn't paying attention, but after they left I started feeling like everything was moving around and more dizzy and was having double vision and stuff. And I couldn't fall asleep for the longest time. Then once I did, I kept waking up. I started freaking out a little and had to listen to music to calm myself down, but Modest Mouse freaked me out more and I thought I was too drunk to change cd's. Then in the morning I had this problem all over again, especially after the crazy drunken showering, so I had to watch TV for like 7 hours.

Now I'm more pleasantly buzzed, but I still keep running into stuff. So verdict: not trying that again soon, if ever, but I don't really regret it a whole ton (unless I can't drive to work) either.

sadness

One week of not doing new releases at borders, and I already don't know what is out on DVD or CD yet. It depresses me in a weird way.

so once again I swim in reverie

Today was pretty much "more of the same," though we're finally more learning some actually useful information about what we're going to do instead of just vague things like who founded the company.

I'm also finding my way around better (to the places I've been before, anyway, I bet I would have difficulties finding anywhere new) and to my absolute shock, I don't even think I'm the worst of our group at finding my way around.

touching you touching me

Ryan: I found that if I just comb the sides of my hair
Ryan: it looks like I have a mullet
Ryan: and I had to take a picture
Me: "looks"
Ryan: haha
Me: you have a mullet and you're in denial


Me: no I was pretty annoyed, like some people left early, and they were all the people sitting by me
Me: so I was like left by myself
Me: but I was still sitting by Explosion
Me: and I was complaining about it to him
Me: and the friend of his said, "you're like an island out there"
Me: and I was like, "more of a peninsula, i still have Explosion"
Me: then I turned to Explosion and said, "you're my isthmus, buddy!"
Ryan: hahah
Me: see I can make clean weird jokes too'
Me: which is why I don't understand why none of the people at my new job like my clean jokes
Ryan: because they have no personalities
Ryan: That's part of the security procedure of walking through the doors
Ryan: All personality is removed
Me: how come they missed mine?
Ryan: well they fucked up your security badge didn't they?
Me: hahahah

the man who never returned

Ryan: It sounds like you work in some top secret government facility
Ryan: with crazy hallway mazes and security cards
Me: haha jesus I feel like it sometimes
Me: I spent another 10 minutes wandering around trying to find the right room on the way in today
Ryan: haha
Me: and every time I go through that revolving door I expect it to stop me and trap me
Ryan: maybe it will help your sense of direction
Ryan: haha
Me: haha or completely kill it so badly that I'm left wandering the cubes of the office forever
Me: like that one Kingston Trio song about the man who gets stuck on the train forever cause he doesn't have the money to get off
Me: and his stupid wife brings him sandwiches every day instead of a nickel
Ryan: haha
Ryan: only your stupid wife will bring you tuna helper
Me: LOL
Me: you're a great friend
Ryan: Haha
Ryan: I try
Me: Dang, I gotta find a lesbian who makes tuna helper now
Ryan: haha you totally should

like trying to hide the daylight from the sun

So, it makes me sad. I might be alarmist, but the people in my training class aren't my kind of people. I'm becoming friendly with the chick who sits next to me, but like... what we talk about is smalltalk, not real talk. And on break if I'm ever in a group of these people, my "non standard" outbursts about anything that isn't boring are pointedly ignored.

I don't know, maybe it's not so much people as the environment. Or maybe not everyone wants to be all weird like me right off. I used to be like that, but Borders kind of killed my self-preservation instincts. Now if I want to be friends with people I act like me and if they don't like it, fuck them. Though of course this attitude is somewhat tempered by the fact that I know I will be fired if I start talking about burning hookers, so I guess it is a little watered down. But I don't know, maybe it's a good thing I'm not making buddies. Talking too much was what got me in trouble with my last job.

Anyway, I knooow there has to be someone good in there. They hired me, after all. And I have known not horrible people who have worked there. And I know not horrible people who WANT to work there. I just have to figure out how I'm going to find them.

In other news, I AM a fan of the constant influx of free food, though I'm sure I'll be 20 lbs heavier by the end of training.

that thing's just lucky I'm not armed

First day of work!

Verdict: yes, I do hate sitting down all day. Plus, having to pay attention to people talking. I always forget I have ADD until I'm stuck in a situation where I have to pay attention to things for long periods of time. Then, it's like, "Oh, I kind of forgot this would be HELL."

Anyway, still better than Afni. There was not quite the air of desperation around the place, and I think I might eventually become friends with the chick sitting next to me, we bonded over tales of retail terror (hers, of course, were better cause she worked at Wal Mart).

It is REALLY hard to find stuff there. Like, really hard. It is a conglomerate of a ton of buildings all connected, various floors, total cubicle farm, etc. etc. And on top of that it's really poorly designed, wider corridors you think definitely would lead to something don't, and you end up having to go through some weird little corridor to get to where you actually want. And on top of that, I can't find my way around most places that aren't that bad. So I spent 20 minutes on my break wandering around lost. On the upside, when I stopped to ask for directions, I met a woman who seriously had no idea what escalators are.

Me: Do you know how to get to place with the escalators?
Her: *confused look* Escalators?
Me: Like with the tables around them and all the windows?
Her: Oh, you mean the stairs that go up and down.
Me: Yeah, the escalators.
*she then gives me the directions*

Also, the place is well decorated, so it's pretty nice for a cube farm. Also, you get anywhere near a window and it's absolutely gorgeous. And since they know this fact, there are these huge plate glass windows everywhere.

Another awesome thing is I found out about shift differentials. Which basically mean that you get paid 10% more to work a swing shift, and 15% more to work a late shift. And all my shifts are swing, so I get basically a buck more an hour for doing something I kind of prefer anyway. I also found out I'm not working the one day a week it is most busy, hectic, and unpleasant.

An un-awesome thing is that they did something wrong when they were making my security badge so when I went to leave for the day, the revolving door stopped. I totally freaked out, and yelled, "Son of a bitch!" at the top of my lungs in front of half the people I just had training with (I already can tell and am sad that I'm not going to get away with the profanity and sexual harassment I did at my previous job). But then it slowly started going backwards and I was able to get out and talk to the Security Personnel who fixed it.

Lastly, but not least, I was the only one who brought lunch. And they insisted on giving us this long ass tour (pointless anyway because the lady who gave it kept getting lost and going crazy long routes to get to things, I was glad I had comfy shoes, other people were not so lucky) before we did anything, so I had to carry around my tuna helper the whole time. I, at one point, literally thought the exact words, "this tuna helper is an albatross around my neck." And then comparing my situation to the Rime of the Ancient Mariner made me giggle.

we love that game but we never play

I had a dream last night where Sufjan Stevens (and weirdly, in the way that can happen only in dreams, he was two other people who I've known, too) fell into a coma and I nursed him back to health. Afterwards, he didn't really seem grateful. We didn't even talk as much as we apparently used to. I kind of wondered if he was brain damaged. But people kept telling me that he kept saying how great I was.

last last day

Today was mostly a better last day, maybe because I mentally prepared myself? Anyway, I'm glad I went. There were a couple of things I really wanted to do before I quit.

--get photos of myself dry humping inanimate objects in the children's section. YM aided me in this quest. So soon, I should have a photo of myself humping "The Little Engine That Could," a cardboard penguin from "Happy Feet," and a display of DK children's dictionaries.

--I took my nametag home last time so I made myself a new one today. On one side I wrote that my name was, "Cornelius" (homage to Fight Club). On the other side I wrote that my name was, "I Like Ponies." I answered the phone as "Louise" once.

--I broke out all my old jokes I used at register from back when I started.

--When someone denied Borders Rewards in a cranky manner I said, "I don't care about Borders Rewards. It's my last day. I also wrote that my name is "I Like Ponies" on my nametag."

--I called registers from the children's section and squeezed a stuffed Walter the Farting Dog to make his farting noise into the phone one last time. This was meant for Getz, but Ponytail geek answered and party-pooperly said, "Bad idea. There's a line." Then later Getz yelled at him for being snotty to me.

--Elaine was kind of upset with me when she asked me plan (plan is how much money we aim to make for the day, Borders has lately been rather gestapo about making employees memorize this every day) and I said "Plan is "it's my last day." I had actually meant to say, "Plan is "it's my last day and I don't care," but I could already tell halfway that this was not going to fly. I also think she was somewhat angered when she came up behind me when I was telling people in the cafe, 'I don't plan to do any acutal work today." But she cheered up later in the day, and said it was some other reason she was cranky, not me.

--I got to say goodbye to Getz and Larry and Ponytail geek. And re-say goodbye to Kevin. Who, earlier in the day did his impression of Kit from KnightRider doing an impression of Mr. T. and refusing to do algebra.

--Imagine this scenario: a kid comes up to you and wants you to find Buckethead. And it turns out you don't have any. So then his second choice is your absolute favorite musician of all time. You die inside a little. Yes, this is what happened to me today, the Buckethead kid followed up his request for Buckethead with Ben Folds. Is it just me, or is that craaazy unsimilar music there? Dance Whore tried to make me feel better by saying that Buckethead has collaborated with Les Claypool, who is a really good musician. And it worked. Herd tried to make me feel better by saying that he likes Buckethead. Which made me feel worse. Good times.

--I saw Metalhead Ed one last time. Sadly, no Christmas Tool.

--I got to work alongside my high school homeroom teacher for the first and last time.

--Some random woman complimented me on my Staff Pick description of the new Modest Mouse album.

--I bought and consumed 75% off chocolate for the last time as a Borders employee.

--I listened to Nada Surf on the overhead, a band that has been on the Borders overhead ever since I started there two years ago. Also Minus Story, and Wolf Parade, which reminds me of Mouse. Also the Cribs, which reminds me of Opt. Also Of Montreal, which reminds me of Mulva.

--YM and I made humping motions at each other in front of a brand new employee.

--I came up with my last "two of my coworkers should be buddy cops!" scenario. Herd's been comparing himself to Bruce Willis since he has shaved his head. Hence, he really needs to be part of Diehard 'N' Darlene.

--I got to take part in this conversation. Mostly funny only if you know these people. Several in jokes involved.

Getz: Ponytail Geek, if Lister invited you over to a party without me, you wouldn't go, right?
PG: No, I wouldn't.
Getz: HA! That's what you get, Lister. You're so mean to me, and I even bribed you with Dr. Who buttons.
Me: Lister, how come I wasn't invited to this hypothetical party?
Lister: If I had a hypothetical party, Phoe would be hypothetically invited!
Getz: If he had a hypothetical party, Phoe and I wouldn't come because he's such a jerk!
Me: Getz, you should have a hypothetical party of your own the same night. That would show him.
Getz: Yeah, and everyone would come to my party, not his!
Lister: Yeah? I would hypothetically have free beer.
Me: Aww, Getz. You just got hypothetically owned.
Getz: Well I would hypothetically have free beer AND free snacks.
Lister: I would have all my guests picked up in hypothetical limos.
Getz: Bribery! Lister has to bribe people to be his friends!
Me: But didn't you already bribe him to be your friend with those buttons?
Getz: He asked to be bribed!
Kevin: I could bribe someone with a cool Idlewild poster.
Me: So, what music would you guys have? Because as I see it now, the choice is between Rush and Pink, and I don't know if I could take either all night.
Getz: I would have lots of different music! Unlike Lister, I don't listen to just one band. And I would have angry metal for Herd! You'd come to my party, right?
Herd: I would probably sample both parties.
Lister: I would let my guests pick the music!
Me: What if I picked Sufjan Stevens?
Lister: And I'd have Kevin play first! And I'd have Brian DePalma there so Kevin would come!
Me: Would either of you have pirates or ninjas at your party?
Getz: I would have real pirates! Peg legs, parrots, everything!
Lister: Everyone at my party would be dressed like a ninja.
Kevin: This should be a reality show, like those dating shows where people ask how the date would be. Only you would have to actually have these parties afterwards.
Me: OH MY GOD. I just imagined Lister sitting around at a party with Brian DePalma and a bunch of Ninjas, and it was THE MOST HILARIOUS THING EVER.

Then I think Lister tried to draw in George Lucas or something to gain Ponytail Geek's attention, but by that time I had a customer to deal with and wasn't really paying attention anymore.

--I hugged Lister. Who actually, earlier in the day said, "I know where you live," in reference to me having a book checked out I have to return. So when I was leaving, I told him Kevin also said "I know where you live," to me and hugged me on my first last day. Kevin said, in his perfect deadpan way, "We'll always have first last day."

and....

Oh another regrettable thing last night is I think I started to annoy YM some. Surely, everyone knows by now that if someone has a digital camera I'm going to attempt to steal it from them and photograph my nostrils. That's just me, that's how I roll. People are used to it.

But I think I started getting obnoxious, doing similar glamour shots of my mouth, ear, armpit, and attempts at really close up pictures of YM's eyes, which were not really pleasant for her due to the flash. So I appologize, YM. You are a good friend, and I hope my annoyingness does not in anyway affect your resolve to help me photograph myself humping inanimate objects in the children's section on my last day at Borders.

I like ponies

So I had my farewell get together last night. At a bar. Which I hate. But actually last night wasn't too horrible. The new smoking ban makes it a lot better, but I can't say the same for the loud obnoxious music. And then I finally decided to pay outrageous jukebox prices, but it was later than I realized and we had to leave before most of my songs played.

But I saw Hootie, which was really good. Her and I haven't really gotten to see each other much lately. And she came earlier than anyone else, and somewhat before the loudness of the music set in, so we got to talk a little bit.

Then YM showed up, which is always awesome. Again, I haven't hung out with her in a little while, but I think we're going to remedy that soon because the semester's over and she doesn't have to constantly worry about class the whole time.

Then Explosion showed up, and he lent his psychotic happiness to the proceedings. He also brought some random friend who'd been friends with another friend of mine, so I'd kind of met him before. The friend was like, "So, why're you quitting borders?" and I said, "Because Tami's a fucking bitch." Which I think surprised him. But it's oh so true. Other epithets I used for her throughout the night were "dickface," and "hosebeast."

Then last but not least was Herd. Who also brought a friend who I kind of met before at his birthday party. Herd had a good time for about half an hour throwing tiny crumpled up pieces of paper at the friend who totally kept not realizing what was going on. I had a good time laughing maniacally every time he got a solid hit, blowing his attempts to look casual.

I was a little sad that there wasn't slightly higher turnout (Elaine, for one, had said she was coming, and Dance Whore I had thought was a definite). I was kind of mad at Dance Whore for not showing up, because he sort of was co host, because he's also leaving, and had kind of decided on the time and the bar. So I left him an angry note on Facebook and found out.... it was supposed to be NEXT thursday.

So like how I had a fake "last day," and fake tearful goodbyes, I guess I will now have a fake going away party, and have to have a second.

Oh, other thing I hate about bars: I apparently suck at ordering alcohol for myself. What I usually want is one of those fruity flavored Bacardi "malt beverages," that come in a little bottle. The last time I went to a bar, for some reason I thought they were wine coolers, so I asked for that, the bartender laughed at me, and gave me a fuzzy navel instead. And then I had to explain to everyone at my table that I was a loser drinking a fuzzy navel.

This time I was like, "Bacardi Razz?" And the lady was like "what mixer do you want with that?" and I'm thinking, oh shit. This is not what I signed on for. So I asked for my choices and it was basically cranberry juice or sprite. So I said cranberry juice, and it was pretty good.

So for my second drink I confidently walk up to the bar, "Bacardi Razz and cranberry juice please?" I get a different bartender from before, and she's like, "Oh I'm sorry, all we have is Bacardi Silver." And I'm like, whatever I don't care I just want a drink without it being a big production for once. "That's fine," I say. So she puts this glass on the bar that looks like what I had before. And I stick around, cause YM's there ordering something.

The bartender looks at me, and is like, "Uh... that's yours" and points to this bottle of stuff which is pretty much what I wanted in the first place from the first bartender (only I'm pretty sure it tastes seven uppy not rasberry, because it was bacardi silver). And I'm like... "Okay," and take it, so I'm holding what I had before AND the new bottle of stuff. And she can tell I'm all confused. And she's like, "I didn't charge you for the cranberry juice." So I'm thinking, why put it right there? So then she's like, "you wanted them mixed?" and I'm like, "uh yeah but this is fine." And then she laughs and is all, "You thought there was alcohol in that? That's soooo cute!" Now I just want to run for the exits. I'm like, "it's fine I'll just take these," but then we get back to the issue where I haven't paid for the cranberry juice. Then finally it hits her, "you wanted bacardi RAZZ mixed with cranberry juice?" "yes, yes I did." So she goes back and makes what I ordered and hands it off to me with one last, "oh that's so cute." and I wanted to kick her in the face. And I had to endure some creepy old drunk guy who was there getting two inches from my face and saying, "it sounds like a failure of communication, heh heh!"

I really need to start drinking screwdrivers or something. Does anyone get confused and say, "Oh a screwdriver, what's that?" or "what do you want in your screwdriver?" No. Unless you're in England. Where they are just boring and call them "vodka and orange juice." Which is also pretty straightforward?

damn it feels good to be a gangsta

Man, I realized. I really do feel better if I am working on a project, however small or weird or stupid. In fact, if those three adjectives apply, I'm probably even more enthusiastic.

Anyway, my latest project was inspired by this conver I had with YM:

Me: I had that buduhbuduhba song in my head the other day
YM: I dislike that song. Haha
Me: my parents bought some pop
Me: and there was a sweepstake on the back of the box where you could meet that band
Me: I thought of signing up under your name :P
YM: haha
YM: That would be so hilarious.
YM: It wouldn't be fun unless you went with though.
Me: oh of course I would
Me: I would insist on being a douche
Me: and doing my impression of the band to their face
Me: over and over
Me: I'd be like, you know that song you do? "buuuuduhbuhduhbuh!"
YM: haha
YM: That would be the best.
Me: haha I should call up my parents and tell them to save the box
Me: it's not too late!
YM: hahaha
YM: You're great Phoe.

Then I decided I HAD to make it happen, and IMed and emailed and myspaced and facebooked everyone possible, trying to make them sign up and then let us go in their place if they won.

I really weirdly do become obsessive about things. And now I really really really have my heart set on this. It'll be such a bummer if YM & I can't annoy Gym Class Heroes.

So.... apparently I am still working Saturday? I guess I read the schedule wrong. But I'm still not working today (obviously) or next week. I went back there to return a book I'd checked out and both Kevin and Tami were like, "uh did you know you actually work on Saturday?"

I said I would, because I don't want to be one of those lame people who doesn't show up for their last shift and shivs the other people who have to pick up the slack. But I feel really lame, because I already had my tearful goodbyes and all of that. And then it's going to be like, "hey guys, that was wrong, THIS is my last day!"

I still can't tell whether or not Tami was trying to screw me or be helpful, but I guess I don't have to care anymore.

In other news, Ryan has a suggestion on how I should spend my REAL last day:

Ryan: haha that's really lame
Ryan: seriously, just don't go in
Ryan: screw them
Me: I already said I wouuuld
Ryan: laaaame
Ryan: just go in and masturbate in the bathroom all shift
Ryan: or hell, it's your last day, do it in the kids section

ass pie

Me: spite vagina!
Me: that could be my superpower
Ryan: hahah
Me: spite vagina activate!
Ryan: "Are you angry? have sex with me?!"
Me: haha
Me: I like how spite vagina is right above the post named monkey tits
Me: my other superpower is that I have breasts
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: that's a good power!
Me: I'm superior over men and monkeys!
Me: look, they jiggle!
Ryan: haha yes, yes you are
Me: "I'm slightlly more bouyant, this could be useful in a flood"
Ryan: monkeys totally drown in floods
Me: haha
Me: they can't climb trees?
Ryan: not in really big floods that cover trees
Me: I think in really big floods my breasts would not be that big of an atvantage
Me: it'd have to be a lame flood for my boobs to be the deciding vote on whether or not I survive
Ryan: even still, monkeys'd just save themselves
Ryan: and let you drown
Ryan: no way a monkey could carry a man up a tree in a flood
Ryan: haha
Me: my boobs could carrya man up a tree in a flood?
Ryan: if that's the case, at least you could flash them before they die
Me: holy shit, first spite vagina now this
Me: I'm fuckin awesome
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: rescue boobs, and spite vagina
Ryan: all you need now is an ass that can bake a pie
Ryan: and you got it made

spite vagina!

Me: oh my god this is awesome
Me: she's talking about a guy she wants me to message on OKcupid
Me: so basically I said "hi, you said you are a nerd, I'm a nerd too" then pasted in most of the conver where she tries to make me message him
Me: and now she's all freaking out
Ryan: hahah
Me: because she thinks he'll hate her for saying she tells his roommate he's gay
Ryan: maybe he'll try to prove her wrong with your vagina
Me: haha lucky me
Me: it's like a dream come true
Ryan: haha
Me: someone will finally use my vagina out of spite!

monkey tits

Me: See that's one reason I hate men (non shitty ones excluded). They're all, "high maintenance women suck."
Me: but then they're like, "oooh pretty lipstick I'll date that one"
Ryan: haha
Ryan: that's kind of stereotyping
Me: I said non shitty ones excluded
Ryan: there's different types of high-maintenence
Me: most of my guy friends I include in the non shitty category
Me: for all that most of them would probably rather date a monkey than me
Ryan: aww
Ryan: monkeys are pretty cool though
Me: haha you got me there
Me: that tail can do a lot of things
Ryan: so don't take that as an insult
Me: I really can't compete with that
Me: I couldn't bring insulin to someone going into diebetic shock
Ryan: haha
Me: that's too much responsibility
Ryan: it really is
Ryan: best to just go with sexual favors
Me: haha
Me: "I know it's no MONKEY blowjob, but I'm cheaper."
Ryan: haha
Ryan: plus, you have breasts
Ryan: I dont' think most monkey boobs are all that good
Me: haha, thanks
Me: I should put out a personal ad
Me: "According to my friend Ryan, my tits are better than that on a monkey." :P

I spend all my energy standing upright

Well Tami found one last way to shank me before I left. I specifically requested the 15th as my last day, and she okay'd it. I even signed a sheet to this effect (though I'm sure at this point if I started an arguement with her, she would say she "lost" it).

But apparently today was my last day.

Yeah I looked at the schedule and she took me off Weds and Sat (which there had been a schedule up saying I worked those days, that she never notified me when it changed), and I was not on next week's schedule.

Some people (especially Dance Whore) said I should fight it, but the thing is: I have wanted to just be gone ever since I quit. I only gave notice to not be a dick. So if she's actually giving me what I want....? Evs. Though, speaking of Evs, I felt really bad when I was leaving. Neither Elaine nor Kevin had anticipated me leaving so soon, and were both sad that I was. It kind of annoyed me that none of us got a chance to really prepare for me leaving.

And man, I enjoy Kevin.

Me: I'll miss you!
Kevin: Don't worry, I'll keep in touch. I know where you live.

Sadness that I have to leave these people.

But I did have a moment of awesomeness, I brought in Smells Like Phoe to torment her. I'm glad I didn't wait till what I thought was my last day. Quick refresher: that is a CD I once burned that is all covers of Smells Like Teen Spirit. For some reason or whatever, Tami thinks Nirvana is sacred and should never be covered. So.... yes. Elaine and Happy weren't that excited about my musical choice, but I did happen to talk to Giggles before anyone else came, and he agreed with the postulate, "Tami hates covers of Smells Like Teen Spirit and I hate Tami. Therefore I must bring in covers of Smells Like Teen Spirit," so he didn't give me any troubles.

I must be sick or something, I actually like the CD. First off, there are some actually good covers on there. And then the bad ones are just so bad they make me laugh, so go back to good again. I'm telling you, I couldn't get the smile off my face when "Smells Like Teen Booty," the mashup of SLTS and the Destiny's Child hit "Bootylicious" played. It's just so ridiculous. I think it also reminds me of the first time Opt and I had racist pancakes, and discussed which songs I should put on there, then watched They Might Be Giants videos. So anyway, I do actually occaisionally listen to it even when there's no one around to torment.

I had another interesting revelation. This regular customer that sometimes gives us food brought in brownies and I had one and it made my colon explooode. So I spent much of my last shift on the toilet. And at one point I found myself thinking, "Oh well, it made the time pass faster." Then I just realized I admitted to myself that I would rather have bowel clenching pain than work there anymore. So I guess it's all for the best that I'm leaving.

we still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence

"Gee, what did you do with your weekend?"

"I got sick on rice a roni and read Augusten Burroughs books in between the painful bowel movements."

So... no one ask. That's just not a conversation you want to have.

I just realized..

that for months I meant to make a reference to the Jonathan Coulton song "The First of May" on the first of May, and then I missed it.

However, I did come across a "corporate" looking blog template, and made it revolve around his song "RE: Your Brains" where he combines corporate zombies with actual zombies. This is my weird way of celebrating the fact that I got a "real job" that I'll be starting soon.

Here is a picture of the aforementioned Jonathan Coulton. With a stuffed weasel. Enjoy.



(I also enjoy the random scary guy in the background)

in my head there's a greyhound station

Man, I love (and will miss) my manager Elaine. On myspace I sent out a bulletin about quitting, and she commented on my profile with this picture of an Indian shedding a single tear.

I thought I loved you, it was just how you looked in the light

I had a dream last night, and I can't remember all the details. It was kind of this weird thing I have in a lot of my dreams where I am in a TV show or movie that my brain makes up. Like... I can tell it's not real, that I'm in some sort of narrative, not my real life, but I apparently tell myself, "movie" not "dream." Anyway, usually I am the "main character" but I think there were some other people that were supposed to be, so the whole time I'm vaguely aware of what's going on with them. And like, we were all stuck in some office building for some reason that was never really articulated.

So at one point I was talking to a guy. I can't really remember what he looked like, just average, but he had some witty banter and was making me laugh, so I was kind of into him. Then, I can't remember why, if it came up in conversation, or if he just leaned over or something, or what. But I blurted out, "I don't like to be touched!"

And he just smiles, and leans in and kisses me.

This isn't like a make out or anything, just a little peck on the right corner of my mouth. I don't really feel lust or anything, just an overwhelming sense of panic. But a good panic, weirdly. Like, "HOLY SHIT THIS DUDE JUST KISSED ME." It seemed to last an eternity.

I was really confused when I got up and couldn't tell if it was real or not. I've had dreams where someone's held me, but I've never really kissed or had sex in a dream that I can remember. But it still seemed familiar at the same time.

Anyway, notable, for me. Part of me wants to be ultra supersticious (sp?) and be like, "it means I'm going to find that dude in real life!" but most of me is all, "Way to get my stupid hopes up, dreams. Never going to happen in a million years."

Good times.

Feel good

Fuck you, Borders Books & Music in Bloomington Normal. Actually, more to the point, fuck you, Tami Whiteaker, general manager of Borders Books & Music in Bloomington Normal.

Yes. Today I quit, so I feel free to name names.

Tami Whiteaker, you are the sludge of humanity. You are a filthy lying backstabber and you suck at both leading people AND the simple logistics of running a goddamn retail establishment. You are a small, small person hellbent on making people hate everything around them the way you do. I hope you and your douchebag husband die so that there's some chance that your kids will be adopted by decent people who won't teach them that being a fucking bastard is the way to live their lives.

That out of the way, here is how it went down. I got a lengthy note in my mailbox today from her that's basically all, "You shouldn't have gone to Elaine, I am in charge of scheduling now, and you should know that because it's posted everywhere." Yeah, I get that, HOSEBEAST. I'm not a MORON. The availability sheet that sparked off this whole shitstorm, I did put it in your goddamn mailbox, did I not? I just fucking hate talking to you and would rather go through an intermediary. Then it goes on to tell me that since I no longer have weekend availability, I have to get busted down from "part time" employee to "contingent."

This is shit because:

1) contingent people just work when other people call in sick, and not very often at that. On top of which, they get no employee discount. Because they are barely employees.
2) Months ago when I wanted to work at Afni, I worked this out with Elaine, and the whole "one day a week" thing was approved. Then later I tried to get more hours, weekends, any day, whatever, and they said, "no, we want to keep it like it is now." So then they randomly decide to give me more hours, and I say, "no, I want to keep it like it is now," and I all the sudden have to be busted down to contingent? Fuck that noise. You weren't there for me when I needed you, I'm not going to do what you goddamn say now.

So I was like, "yeah, time to quit." I wanted to say what I said in the last paragraph, perhaps full of righteous anger and bust Tami down to size, but instead I was just like, "yeah I quit," kind of matter-of-factly, and gave my notice.

Anyway, it kind of makes me mad to quit. Because I'm basically just giving Tami what she wants. Since Borders made it so she can't fire anyone (because they got sued cause she basically fired a guy for having Diabetes right around when I first started) she has become a pro at making Borders so unpleasant that people have to quit. So I have had a feeling for quite a while now she's been trying to run me off, and she's finally getting what she wants. But on the other hand, I don't have the time or emotional energy to pour into staying at Borders just to spite her.

Plus, I have a feeling I should've gotten out awhile ago. A year ago, at least, right after the first time she fucked me. Back when the ratio of good Borders memories outweighed the memories of Borders dicking me over. Back when I actually still was a good employee, so that if I ever wanted to get hired on at a different Borders again, I'd be taken (with that eval, I doubt if I ever move to another town and want a job at Borders, I'd get it).

I hold onto things way too long. I had thought it was just friendships where the other person had ceased caring, but I guess this job is another example. I actually feel like my life is a Lifetime movie and Borders is the abusive husband that keeps getting drunk and beating me but I keep coming back because I remember the good times from back before it became a drunken asshole, and I do know that part of Borders does love me. But now I'm finally listening to my friends who've been telling me that it's never going to get better, and I should leave now before it lands me in the hospital again.

Also, I was actually talking to Ryan the other day and he was telling me about this one anime he watches that's been annoying him lately, because they've basically spent all this time developing these characters and getting you really invested in them, and then just kind of killing most of them off at once for stupid reasons, and there's no reason to watch it anymore. And I replied, "Yeah, that's how I feel about Borders. 'All my favorite characters are dead anyway.'" I meant it as a joke initially, but then I realized that IS how I feel. Yeah, I'll miss Kevin and Elaine and YM, but seriously.... And I'll really be sad when someone finally replaces the Van Morrison "Pay the Devil" poster that I've tried (and succeeded) to keep on Main Info for a ridiculously long amount of time. And I'll miss making employee of the month posters for my friends.

But it's not worth the anguish, yes, anguish that Tami Whiteaker, hosebeast extraordinaire, inflicts.

In other news, I'm trying to decide if (and if so, how) I should tell her to fuck off when I leave. I kind of have nothing to lose, with that eval on file I probably would never get hired at another borders again if I wanted to.

why?

THE STORE IS RETARDED.

Wait, nevermind. That is mean to the mentally challenged. It's not their fault they don't function the way regular people do. Whereas the store is INSANE, possibly even to the point of being malicious about it.

Remember how they didn't want to give me more hours when I really needed them because I'm a substandard employee? And just last week I got the eval that says I'm shitty too? And I haven't mentioned it, but they are lean on payroll right now. I know at least two people who've been complaining about how much the store's cut their hours.

Yeah well now they randomly gave me more hours that I don't really need or want. WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME. I guess this is because last week I re-submitted my availability? I just did it so that they wouldn't randomly schedule me again when I'm working the other job, or if they want to call me when someone's sick. But I guess they took it as license to give me unwanted hours. On top of this, they randomly took my 6 a.m. to 2 or 3 p.m. shift on Tuesdays, the one shift I was willing to work and already working and we were all agreed on, and split it so that it's two 6-11 a.m. shifts. Now it's somewhat appealing, as I get a lot more done while the store's closed, and hate customers, but I really don't want to have to get up at 6 a.m. twice a week, especially since the new job is going to be afternoons and especially especially since the one shift is on my day off. Which, by the way, the extra hours they are scheduling me would be on my other day off. So basically: no days off.

Reasons why this makes me ragingly angry (might be some repeat of the previous para):

1) the not telling me first.
2) the fact that they wouldn't give me these hours back when I really needed them, and in fact made me feel like shit about myself because they wouldn't.
3) the fact that they are giving me them now when I really don't want them and don't want to have to argue with them to make them take them back.
4) the fact that the store is low on payroll to begin with and a lot of other people who have actually been asking for more hours won't get these hours.
5) the fact that they looked at the availability form I showed them, and picked what are clearly both my days off to give me these extra hours.
6) the fact that they're randomly deciding it would be convienient for them to make me wake up at 5 a.m. twice a week instead of once a week. Again without telling or asking me! And it's not like I need the extra time while the store's closed, I do get my shit done every week, occaisionally with time to spare.

I know it seems jerkish to "look a gift horse in the mouth," since I really did want these hours awhile ago, but it's really annoying that they didn't even talk to me to see if I still wanted them after I'd obviously picked up another job. Anyway, I wrote a note to Elaine about it. I tried to get up the balls to just ask AC about it, since she was there, and it would probably seem pretty strange to them that I didn't ask the person who was 1) available to me and 2) actually in charge of scheduling, but really, I decided I couldn't do it. Not so much that I'm afraid of AC, but that I find it difficult not to snap her neck with my bare hands when we're just having small talk, much less if she said something that actually affects me. So I'm more afraid of what I would do to AC. At least that's how I justify it. And Elaine already knows I fucking hate AC's guts, so hopefully she can buffer whatever the outcome of this thing is and prevent me from committing homicide. Anyway, I figure I can just quit if the store decides to be a dick about this, so that's how I'm keeping myself calm, for the moment. Hopefully I'll know if the situation's resolved by tomorrow WHEN I HAVE TO FUCKING GO IN THERE AT 6 a.m. AGAIN.

my goodness gracious

Something profound Ryan told me today:

"we both know I really only get off to little girls crying, and trashbags full of socks"

I will kill you like a ham, see?

So I went down to see Opt yesterday, it was good. We watched Terry Gilliam movies, and ate food, most notably my first non-shitty frozen custard (Culvers was my only prior experience with Frozen Custard).

But the main awesomeness is the weird-ass conversations we end up having.

We were discussing whether or not a visit from me is better than a visit from her boyfriend (I was pro me, in that I am way more awesome than him, she was pro him in that he has sex with her). Anyway, as these things will, it came to dick size.

Her arguement was that I, being a girl, don't even have one, much less a large one.

My argument is that I, having this dick, know that it shares the same dimensions as a ham.

Her new argument became that her boyfriend's dick is Jesus. In that her boyfriend has, instead of a dong, our lord and savior mounted to himself somehow in that area, and that is what goes into the various orifices of her choice.

I never win.

we ate all of the oranges off the navels of our lovers

Do you ever have moments where you step back and look at what you're doing and think how weird it would look to a stranger?

I'm not like, image concious or anything, but I do do this from time to time and it's hilarious.

To set the scene, it was last night, I was at home. Pantsless, as is my wont. And yes, my place is really messy right now. And no, I did not have the lights on.

I was watching a Dschinghis Khan music video.

I was also looking at this "art" Ryan was showing me that he had once made out of nosebleeds.

So basically I'm sitting home alone in the dark surrounded by everything from shitty origami to parmesan cheese to a stack of bottle caps and a McDonald's ad for their new cinnamon melts, wearing no pants, looking at this, and listening to the crazy disco music that they make on one side of my computer, and a handprint made out of blood on the other side.

I am clearly a small push away from being a serial killer.