we've got something hateful on our minds

Hell is...

...staying 40 minutes late at a job you hate to fill out a form, and the reason it takes so long is because after every blank you fill in, you have to go and take a massively painful shit. Thanks, colitis!

Purgatory is probably having my goddamn neighbors. When I started feeling a little better after the shitfest, I went to take a shower, and I felt like listening to music. I didn't have it on loud, but I had it on louder than the whisper they apparently require me to have it at. Anyway, since I was in the shower and didn't want to dry off and get clothes on just to talk to this motherfucker, I just turned the music off. I'm thinking, though, of starting to listen to music at a louder, but reasonable volume sometime when I'm fully clothed and telling this guy off when he comes to complain about it. I'm going to tell him he's a fucking liar, because his kid seems to be napping every time I'm listening to music at anything above 1% volume. In the morning, in the afternoon whenever. But it's never napping late at night when they're talking really fucking loud and I can hear THEM through my floor. Plus babies don't even give a shit about loud music, it's sudden loud noises. If you are the one that hates my music, have the balls to admit it man, stop fucking blaming it on your baby. Either way I hate you.

do be do be do

So I gave my first speech at my speech group at work last night. I actually really, really liked it. I was really nervous, but everyone in the group is so supportive and said I was really funny. Which, I find it hard to be funny in an environment that I can't bring up poo or my love of killing hookers, so it was nice to know that my objective of clean humor was carried out successfully. As for what I could do better, I guess I sort of fidget while I'm up there. And one person said to speak up, which I don't get, cause that's always been the least of my problems.

Anyway, I think I'm definitely going to stay. I haven't made best friends with anyone, but I feel like I know people better now that I've been in it awhile, and even when I'm not speaking, other people's speeches are generally pretty interesting. And lets face it, I would probabably do anything to get off the phones at work anyway.

Also I pooped a lot yesterday. That was not fun.

blerg

I didn't blog last week because I had bronchitis and felt like I was dying. I still sort of feel crappy, but meh.

Anyway, I feel like blogging today because I'm depressed. So if you don't like whining, don't read. Though if you hated whining, you probably would've given up on this blog a long time ago.

Anyway:

My mom got done with chemo not too long ago. She's going to have a scan on Thurs to see if it got rid of the cancer. Which is good news if it did work. But if it didn't, apparently it won't respond to chemo again. So if she still has cancer, there's nothing they can do.

I still hate my job. I haven't heard from U of I yet whether or not I got in. I'm still conflicted over if I even want to go. Sometimes I wonder if I'll waste a bunch of time and money on it like with my BA and then have nothing to show for it. I also wonder whether they'll accept me. I'm well within the minimum standards.... but I was well within the minimum standards when I applied there for my undergrad degree and never got in. I hate the position I'm in... I don't even care anymore whether I get a job I truely love, I just want one I won't totally dread every day, and I don't even know if that's really possible.

I've been thinking of selling some stuff on ebay, and it terrifies me. Not the ebay bit... just having to get rid of things, I'm a terrible packrat. I was talking with Andi about it not too long ago. She's selling nearly everything she owns, which I could never do. I used to think I was materialistic, but I don't think it's that. I just get so attached to things, I hate to see them go. But anyway, I have a bunch of stuff at my parents house that I have to get rid of sooner or later, and none of it is going to fit over here. Ebay sucks, though. I have no idea what anything is worth, and there's no real way to find out for most things. As for pez dispensers, which are better documented, everything seems a lot cheaper on ebay than in those pricing books. I don't even care that much about making a profit on them, I just can't see anyone wanting to buy anything if shipping costs more than the actual item. Also, I seem to be the only one whose stuff isn't like, mint in package. I really don't understand how so many people have toys from 20 years ago that were never played with or even opened. I don't know... just thinking of getting rid of anything makes me sad. I'm a freak.

Speaking of Andi, one reason she is selling all that stuff is because she is moving to Oregon. Which, by my calculations, leaves me with only 2 friends in this town, neither of whom have time to see me. Most of my out of town friends seem busy with stuff lately too. I don't know if I'm a shitty friend, or if that's just the nature of people these days, but I never seem to hold onto any for very long. I wish I knew a way other than work to make friends, since work isn't doing so well for that right now.

I don't know... maybe I'm just easily depressed, but I've been feeling sort of that way in general for awhile. One weird thing is I've been missing my old apartment. I don't know why, the new one's way nicer. And I've been missing Borders, which is stupid because when I did work there all I could think of was getting out. I also miss my attention span, I'm having trouble enjoying books anymore.

well

Another disconcerting thing that's happened recently is... well, I guess this requires a bit of backstory.

One of my nervous habits is, I pick at the skin around my fingers. Sometimes I even dig enough that it will bleed. I've done it as long as I can remember. It's sort of gross (at Borders I'd have to have someone bring me a bandaid at register so I wouldn't bleed all over people's merchandise I was ringing up).

Anyway just last Friday my sister noticed. I thought she knew about it already, having known me all my life. But I guess not. She asked if it was "dry skin," or something and I was just like, "yep." I don't know why I should be offended that she's never noticed, obviously I don't really want to discuss it with people that much. It just seems odd. Her 3 year old son has already noticed on several occaisions. I actually tell the 'phew that I accidently cut myself, but he still makes a federal case out of it ("owie! you have an owie!") and will kiss it better for me. Oh well. I miss that kid, by the way. My sister seems to only bother to hang out with my parents, and I would just sort of piggyback onto that. Now that Mom's sick... obviously less visits. I need get my butt in gear and schedule some time to hang out with them soon before he forgets who I am.

FYI

Just to let everyone know: you should not listen to Blink 182 when you are depressed. It doesn't cheer you up at all . You mostly start thinking about what a retard you are to even like this music to begin with. Which makes you sadder.

poop

Gah, I hate life. I don't really remember what all I've meant to blog about lately, but Blogger's not been letting me on.

Anyway today was shitty but one nice thing that happened is Julie called me, and we talked forever about a wide variety of topics such as fucked up family life, batman, Jem, Dschinghis Khan, our loathing for Harry Potter (well, she just dislikes it, I personally loathe it). She might have a part time job soon, which would mean money to come to town and see people, which would be sweet. I also found out that the reason Andy has not responded to any of my many proddings about game night is that he currently has pneumonia, which sounds poopy, and I hope he gets better.

One thing I remembered, I guess, is just that work makes me even more annoyed lately. One thing our supervisor pushes is going out there and getting on committees to develop yourself. Well, it's not like all these fucking committees are beating down my door to have me on them. You have to be reccommended by a supervisor, and mine never does. In fact, he doesn't even really tell you when there's an opportunity around, it looks like. Because one thing they've been lately is training new reps, and you can sit there and help them. I see people who started when I started doing it, and I didn't even know they were going to train anyone soon. And I have let him know that I'm interested in committees and things like that. Not only do they make you look good, but they're like a million times better than taking fucking calls. I just feel shuffled around in general, we're supposed to have efficiency leaders help us get better at our job, and I only even finally got one like 3 months ago, and have never talked to her again (I found out from someone else recently that you're supposed to meet with one every couple of weeks). We're also supposed to listen to calls with coordinators, to learn about what we are and aren't doing right, and again, I've only done that like once since training and I just found out you're supposed to do it a lot more. You're supposed to have a team meeting every month, and my team does like half that. I will tell this all to my supervisor the next time I see him, but who knows when that will be?

I just sort of feel fucked up and angry at life right now, it reminds me of like, August, when I was having lunch with my parents fucking crying in McDonalds because I don't know what I'm doing with my life. And I guess not that much has changed since August.