So apparently my grandpa has no idea how sick my mom is. I personally am not sure which would be worse, what I'm going through now, or thinking she's doing way better and then being rudely interupted one day, and finding out everyone else knew. I was a coward; I didn't really set him straight. I guess my dad is too, because he's the one that's been keeping grandpa updated. I sort of get where dad's coming from; even though Mom's a grown up, it's got to be hard to tell a man his daughter is dying. I don't know.

I actually called him because I was depressed and thought talking to him would distract me (I'm probably a poor granddaughter but he wasn't even my first choice). That was a bad idea; I'm going to have to remember to never call him when I'm depressed ever again. Because this is how it went down.

Grandpa: so how's work going?
Me: (I hate it so much I cry in the bathroom before my shift sometimes thinking about having to do this job one more day) Eh...
Grandpa: So have you found a handsome guy?
Me: I had a handsome guy but then he broke up with me.
Grandpa: So is your mother going out to dinner with you guys tonight?
Me: (she has not been anywhere but the couch except for cancer treatments since March) No.
Grandpa: I think I'm going to visit soon.
Me: That would be cool.
Grandpa: And work? You're working every day?
Me: yes

Ad nauseum.

Before that, I was just sort of lying around, feeling sick in general. I've noticed that after the initial rush of well-being I felt at improving my diet, I've been feeling sick about as much or more than I was before, only much less pain per episode. I guess that's better, but not as much better as I had hoped for, given the earlier success. The thing is, people have two sides of the spectrum: diahrea, and constipation. When they're in the middle, they're good. I, however, can never be in the middle and totally good, and the few times I am in the middle, I get both bad things. Constipation causes pain, pain, pain so I guess I try to aim more towards the diahrea side. So... yeah, I've just been feeling sort of sick and diahreay the last few days (as opposed to hours long episodes of knife stabbing pain before that). It kind of killed my progress at cleaning the place and attempting to get things done.

After the talk with Grandpa, the day got somewhat better, I decided to cheer myself up the american way (go out and buy stuff). I rarely, rarely ever buy clothes for myself but I decided to get a skirt because I need more pants or skirts because I'm too fat for the ones I have now. So I got a pretty skirt for myself so I can feel like less of a fat slob. Then I went out and bought some soy cheese. I am curious to see if it makes me feel bad as real cheese, and if it tastes any good. The only downside, if I like it, is that it is insanely expensive. Then they had a HUGE carton of blueberrys on sale that I bought. They look ripe and fresh and delicious. I'm thinking of maybe making some yogurt parfaits since I have all the yogurt right now, or finding a smoothie recipe or something.

Then I went to dinner with my dad, because it's his birthday. It was mainly good, I worked more with the Phew on his delivery of "do you have tickets to the gun show? They're right over there." The food was tasty. My dad also gave me something to think about, he had an article on how they're needing technicians for windmill farms now that people are trying harder for natural energy, and maybe I could see if I could get that sort of job, which seems really interesting. One thing I was sort of annoyed with my dad about--I had e-mailed him a few days ago I finally had read and made notes on what I thought of the obituary he wrote for mom. He asked me if I had it, and I was like, "No. I didn't want to bring it to your birthday celebration." Who brings a man's wife's obituary to him on his birthday? Not me. He's so anxious to have it that he wanted to stop by my place after dinner (which he ended up doing on his own, I had stuff I had to do afterwards, which I told him).

Which, about the obituary: once I got over the hump of actually making myself read it, I found that I mostly didn't care. The only thing I care about is her living, and since I can't have that, I don't care that much about anything else. She's not going to be there to see it or care. It seems pointless. I don't know if my Dad & sister think I'm not pulling my weight, because I don't have an opinion on any of this, but... I dunno. I pointed out a gramatical mistake or two, and then did not write anything about the one thing that DID annoy me about the obit, which was that it started out with, "After a courageous struggle with lung cancer, (my mom's name) passed away on _________." Yeah, her struggle is SO courageous that it inspired you to give up on her and predict for her to fail in this "struggle" several months ahead of time, with a convenient blank to fill in for the exact date.

After dinner I went to hang out with Julie (who was in town, yay!) & co in Danvers for awhile, which was fun. I got my ass handed to me in an interesting game called infernal contraption, and we played some rock band. Julie got me some ENORMOUS 20 sided dice for my Minja. It was a lot better than the day started.

TAINT

So I was thinking about Josh's taint the other day....

does any other post begin more promisingly? Anyway, I promise it's not gross. In fact, I don't think I could draw a realistic taint if my life depended on it.

Which is probably a good thing. Anyway, I'm pretty sure the number of circumstances in which you are forced to draw a realistic taint in order to save your life are pretty small. I want to say there are 5, at the maximum.

Anyway, new comic: Taint

PS: TAINT! Tainty taint taint taint taintety taint!

PPS: I was really, really, inclined to add "Do you know what that's like for me? I LOVE the Dells at this time of year!"

then, "I panned for gold there once"

then, "all I got was this lousy rose quartz, though."

But I realized you would have to have a REALLY specific knowledge of my vacation to the Wisconsin Dells when I was 8 to get any of that.

Today I hung out with my parents. I bought my dad lunch, he bought me dinner, and we saw the x files. It's an alright movie, I was glad that it was mostly stand-alone and I didn't have to dredge up my memories of what convoluted wheelings and deelings the cigarette smoking man had or didn't have like 8 years ago. It was basically like a long episode of the x-files, it wasn't bad, but it didn't sell me on "why we decided to make a movie a bajillion years after the show went off the air."

Speaking of which, I did mean to go into more (spoilery) details about Batman awhile ago. I don't know what it is about Batman, but part of me itches to analyze it. I mean, a lot of movies are way too high level for me to want to bother analyzing, and a lot of movies are too shallow to have anything to analyze, but I guess Batman is right in the center.

Anyway, the number one thing that irritated me about the movie was Batman mackin' on a woman who he already had his chance with, who is involved in a relationship already. Batman, as you can see by the way they ended the movie, has an enormous streak of self-sacrifice, and really strong morals. Plus, he really respected Harvey Dent. We see this almost exact situation in Casablanca. The resistance needs Victor Laszlo. Victor needs Ilsa. Rick loves Ilsa but gives her up for the good of the cause. That's what Batman should do, dammit! He's Batman!

I also find that breaking that machine that tracks everything not really believable. I mean, I see Morgan Freeman's objections to it, because I am a fan of civil liberties and my privacy and all that, but seriously, for Batman to give up that tracking ability? In a city that is well-known for breeding psychotic freaks more than willing to blow half of it up? Batman is going to be kicking himself the next time the Joker breaks out of Arkham.

Speaking of random villians, can anyone explain Scarecrow's brief role in this one? I have a feeling there was some part of the movie that explained it, but they needed to cut it out because the movie's already so long. But I can't tell whether he was on the side of the batman wannabes, or if they captured him. And if he is good and on their side, why? But if the wannabes captured him, how did it become that easy. I know he had Liam Neeson on his side last time, but still, a good portion of the last movie was dedicated to how difficult it was to catch Scarecrow. And either way, I don't see Batman not trying to detain him afterwards to take him to jail or something himself.

But I still loved Michael Caine and Gary Oldman. I think they give a lot of warmth and humanity to the story and to Batman. I mean, the love story is supposed to do that, but whatever. I found Gary Oldman talking to his child when he thinks they might die much more heart-wrenching than the death of the female lead. And I believed the fatherly love between Michael Caine & Batman a lot stronger and relatable than the romantic love between Bale & Gylenhaal.

Back to my day: I gave my mom this Neil Diamond CD. Which, she is crazy about his music. I kind of didn't know whether she'd care or not, she never really gets up from this one spot, and it is nowhere near the stereo. My dad, however, had the idea that we could play it on the computer, which is near there, so she did listen to it today.

My dad said I seemed perkier than I had been in awhile. I was surprised, because I hadn't thought anything good had happened since the last time I saw him, in fact something bad happened (one of the job postings I interviewed for finally got back to me and they don't want me) but I was thinking about it, and the last week has been pretty good.

--I'm finally getting some sleep. Before that I was going off sleeping pills again (I was taking so many it made me shake) and it was a lengthy and unpleasant process. I am totally unstable when I don't get enough sleep. I'm not joking--I literally begin to resemble a schizophrenic if I lack enough sleep. And when it's not bad enough to make me schizophrenic, I'm at least depressed and cranky.

--Josh and I are solidifying our friendship, and I'm worrying less about him moving to Michigan (it seems like he's patching things up with his roommate). This is an enormous relief, because no matter how much I try to stand on my own two feet, I lean on him a lot, and if things aren't good with us, it makes everything feel worse.

--He also cleaned my house the last time he was here, which has improved my mood. I mean, there's still a lot of cleaning I should do, but he did so much and I don't feel like I'm living like an animal anymore. It also gives me the motivation to work on the other cleaning.

--I have been eating more colitis-friendly since I went to the grocery store last, and it has been helpful. I've made a rule: no cheese two meals in a row (surprisingly hard to follow that rule, but I'm working on it). I've also picked up some of that yogurt that is supposed to make you regular. The yogurt isn't exactly designed to solve my problem, but I figure it can't hurt. I got some Silk yogurt, too, which surprisingly: tastes exactly like regular yogurt. I made meatloaf, and bought some fruit. I'm showering more regularly. I feel like I'm taking care of myself more and it is helping.

So hopefully things stay better.

Don't worry, no spoilers.

phoemeister (3:05:06 PM): my dad and I just saw batman
phoemeister (3:05:20 PM): it was good though there were things that annoyed me about it
phoemeister (3:05:27 PM): and it made me cry :|
Suibrom (3:05:40 PM): like what?
phoemeister (3:05:45 PM): have you seen it yet?
Suibrom (3:05:48 PM): nope
phoemeister (3:05:58 PM): oh well I won't spoil you on the things that annoyed me
phoemeister (3:06:15 PM): the thing that made me cry is at one point they threaten Lieutenant Gordon's son
phoemeister (3:06:24 PM): I dunno why, wouldn't normally do it to me
Suibrom (3:06:43 PM): hmm
phoemeister (3:07:26 PM): oh well
Suibrom (3:08:47 PM): I've heard that it's quite disturbing and dark
phoemeister (3:09:13 PM): I dunno. I guess it is but I'm not that sensitive to disturbing
phoemeister (3:09:22 PM): I mean it's more disturbing than like, the orig. batman
phoemeister (3:09:27 PM): but it's not like Sin City or anything
phoemeister (3:10:28 PM): Oh and I saw the trailer for the Watchmen. I contend that anything that has a trailer of a sexy woman walking around in slow motion to a shitty smashing pumpkins song is not something I'm going to be excited about.
Suibrom (3:11:04 PM): aww watchmen should be cool
phoemeister (3:11:12 PM): the trailer sucks though
phoemeister (3:13:58 PM): even you have to admit that a shitty smashing pumpkins song is.... well... shitty

afds

phoemeister (12:29:14 AM): at least I didn't send you what I bought yesterday
Ryan (12:29:35 AM): haha what's that?
phoemeister (12:30:02 AM): the new Wolf Parade
Ryan (12:30:11 AM): how is it?
phoemeister (12:30:30 AM): Eh... not as good as the other one. I don't know if you'd think that is good or bad considering how you felt about the other.
phoemeister (12:30:46 AM): A lot more slower tempo less catchy songs. So I may like it in time, but not that much now.
phoemeister (12:31:08 AM): I don't even know if it's wolf parade's fault, though. I haven't really liked anything or listened to much music-wise for awhile now
Ryan (12:33:07 AM): I'll just go ahead and blame wolf parade

So I looked at the stuff I have up on deviant art after a long, long time and the funny thing is: I can't remember how I did most of them or how I would ever replicate any of it.

Eh.

Today was... interesting. I started off talking to Rebecca for the first time in months. She was in town and could hang out for about an hour. Of course, since Murphy's law is so fond of me, it was exactly at the one day all week I had anything planned. The thing I had planned was D & D. Which, even though I really like D & D with the group, I probably would've generally had no problems with going there late except this time they'd already all moved the schedule up because I had something after, and then the DM is busy the next two weekends after this. Plus, I'd just woken up so I don't mind saying my brain was a little rusty.

So I was sort of like, "I don't think I can, I have D & D," which probably sounded jerkish, but whatever. But then I was thinking about how much I want to see her, and this has been my first chance since Christmas, and I was like, "I really need to see if I can make this happen." So I called up a member of the D & D group, and he didn't think it was that dickish of me to be late given the circumstances. So I tried calling her back several times, and didn't get her until she was back in Champaign.

So that made me sad, but I did still go to D & D afterwards and that was pretty good. Then I had the aforementioned nephew's party which was kind of shit, but I expected it. He's got so many toys that he wasn't really excited about any of his gifts, and then he randomly ignored me at one point when I was trying to talk to him. I got free pizza though. Except it didn't agree with my colon all that well, which I already knew it wouldn't. I'd already turned down pizza earlier in the day, though, and couldn't do it twice. Why do you have to be so damn irresistable, pizza? And yet so unpleasant to my colon?

I've had to cut down a LOT on cheese lately which sucks, because anyone who knows me knows that cheese makes up about 90% of my diet. I mean, I still feel sick most of the time, but it doesn't hurt as much without cheese as with cheese. I still haven't made an appointment with my poop doctor, because I don't think he can really do anything, but I am tossing around the idea anyway, esp. if I can get him to write a note to my job saying, "back up, fuckers, she's really sick."

I hate everything. So I guess most stuff is going as usual.

First off, Josh said he thinks he is probably going to move back to Michigan soon (he has his reasons, but all anyone who reads this probably needs to know is that it's not anything to do with me). Which.... I hate. I mean, one reason it sucks is he doesn't even want to do it and I think he'll hate it. But my big reason is I'm selfish and I hate it because everyone who moves away stops talking to me. Everyone. Plus talking on the phone isn't the same as hanging out. Josh and I actually did hang out some today and yesterday, and it was so good. I really, really think we could make the transition to friends and be great friends. But he's going to leave, and gradually or suddenly stop talking to me like even the people who don't move do, and the one person on this earth I'm closest to is going to be gone.

I wonder why people don't miss me the way I do. I mean... I especially don't get people who I was really close to letting it go, but I do have retarded thoughts about people I wasn't even close to. "Gee, so and so is so great. I wonder how they're doing." I wonder why people find it so easy to grow apart from me, I think I try. I know other people who've had long friendships, even over distance. Why do I lack that sort of staying power with people?

Second: my colon tried to kill me. It hurt really, really badly. Which has been happening a lot lately, so if I ever get off my ass I will probably go see my poop doctor. But the awful thing is I had to take off work, and I have too many absences already and I will probably never ever get promoted from my current position. I really want to be like "fuck it" and quit this motherfucking job, but I don't want to waste the year I stayed with it just so that I could get promoted to something else in the company. I don't even fucking know if I want to stay with the company, I just know that I hate any job I am qualified for, so I might as well stay with a place that has sweet-ass benefits and good pay. But if I have to work there much longer I'm going to have to quit and work nowhere and live under a bridge because I hate it so, so much that it's one more awful thing in my life that I can't handle right now.

by the way

I want to rip off the Cancer Center of America's nutsack, if it has one. And feed it to the Cancer Center of America. If it has nuts but no mouth, that's fucked up, but I guess I would cut them a mouth hole to shove their nuts in.

Anyway I think they're sadistic bastards because they advertise so goddamn much. Seriously, EVERY ad break. Which is awesome, because it makes anyone with cancer or related to someone who is dying of cancer, unable to fucking forget about it for one goddamn second.

The worst when my Dad was helping my mom stand up so she could go to the bathroom. Some detached part of me I created during my time as a film minor in college noted that I could currently BE in a movie as I watched my mom struggle to even stand up on my left, while simultaneously a recovered cancer patient on the TV to the right beams and bubbles and tells us there is always hope. Except if I were making a movie, I would never do that because it's so fucking cheesy. I didn't even like experiencing it by accident, because my mom IS dying and their stupid fucking false promises just make me want to drive to chicago, burn down the entire building, and then tell EVERYONE it was me.

So I made this for Julie, and it's based on something I orig. made for Josh, but I feel proud of it, so I'm going to share. And if anyone ever took me up on it, I would be happy to do them a solid.* (click on it to see it at a size you can actually read)






Yes, I have made all these colors at one time or another. I've even made white (that was with some help from barium, whereas the others are pure me). The only thing I have yet to make is the all-elusive blue.
_____________________
* Well, it's kind of liquidy but you get the picture

well

This is actually a comment I left on a friend's blog, but it tickled me too much to not put it here:

PS: my poo came out EXACTLY this color yesterday (yes, I am indeed the sort of person that will look up and memorize the hexidecimal number for my poo colors). I mean, I make a lot of weird colors but I think this is right up there with the time it came out traffic cone orange.

Sometimes I worry that people will think I've always been the way I am.

I can't let anyone into my house because it is disgustingly unkempt. I don't mean clutter. I mean remnants of rotting food clinging to paper plates stacked up entire the place. And the remnants of rotting food that is left on the carpet every time any of those stacks shift. I'm not an animal, I haven't always lived like one, I'm going through a tough time.

I hate that I'm so obviously needy. I hate that I cry all the time, over nothing, over a goddamn episode of Scrubs, over EVERY episode of Scrubs. I hate that I am more afraid of serial killers, armegeddon, and yes, piranha. I hate that if someone doesn't talk to me for two days, I suddenly think they hate me and/or have severely injured themselves somehow. I don't cry like this usually, even when I'm depressed. I'm not a cry baby. I'm not this neurotic. Except that I am. Currently.

I can't let anyone notice I wear the same two (unfortunately similar looking) pairs of pants every day because I've gotten too fat for the others I own and am too stubborn to buy more. Or the all too obvious decline in my personal hygiene.

I hate that I have to make excuses like this, so that I don't hate myself any more than I do already.

I'm not like this. This is not me. I'M NOT THIS FUCKING WHINY. It is temporary. At least, I hope it is.

I FUCKING HATE WHERE I LIVE

One goddamn day this summer I would just like to not be woken up early by a lawn mower. And kept up.

I like the inside of my place. I decorated it. I have more space.

But the soundproofing is so goddamn shitty I want to scream. Anytime anyone does anything outside, I hear it. The downstairs neighbors make so much as a peep (and trust me, they do more than peep) I hear it. I used to live on a much busier street and I rarely heard anything, and if I did, it was usually a car that would pass and then go away, not spend 18 hours being industrially loud across the street from me.

During the winter, I DREAMED of nice weather so I wouldn't have to hear the snow plow going at it 8 minutes under my window, but I forgot about fucking lawnmowers.

And yeah, I know it's dickish to say that 10 am is early, but you know what? I work second shift, I'm under a lot of stress right now, SOMETIMES I DON'T FALL ASLEEP UNTIL VERY LATE. I conclude with: @#$%^&*(*&^%%%$^&_*#@@!#$^&**(*((

Where does glitter come from?

Supervillian

I had a good time hangin' out with the peeps this Saturday, being a douchebaggy rogue AKA Minja (midget + Ninja) in D & D, eatin' food, makin' weird jokes, of which the above is a reference to. I think it stands on its own pretty well too.

I think I need help, but I don't know what to do. That one therapist I saw just sucked so much.

I basically cry every day. The post I posted last, the happy one, I thought it was a semi-permenant change but it lasted one day. And now I'm back to crying. I have started taking so many sleeping pills at night to shut it out that they basically don't work anymore so I am up all night, like now.

I had two job interviews today (well, yesterday now) and it just sucked. I'm under their microscope, I have to show them why I'm the best for their stupid job I don't want anyway. I fucking know full well that I can do those jobs, it's BARELY a step above the one I do now, and considering a trained monkey could do my job, I doubt these two are that much harder. But instead I have to do their stupid behavioral questions about how I fucked up once and how I learned from it or how I promote teamwork. Listen you fuckers, my job is not a team job. I talk to the customers, they talk to me, they either like what I do or don't. It has nothing to do with anyone else, I succeed or fail by my own merits. But I feel like they'll never hire me for that job, let alone the one two levels up I'm REALLY interested in in the department. It makes me feel like a worthless sack of shit.

I called Josh, and of course he wasn't available. I should stop going to him when I need a friend, because of all the stuff between us he has trouble dealing with it. And it hurts me more when I can't talk to him than when other people aren't available, even when it's not his fault. I always feel like I need to talk to someone, but I always feel like I'm imposing when I do. He used to be the one who didn't make me feel like that, like I could go to him for anything, and now I feel it double. I feel like he and I are going to drift apart no matter how hard I try to stay friends with him, just like all my other friends drift away, and I'll just die. Because I remember when he was so into me. Like I was actually worth something and was someone's favorite person in the world. I've had best friends, but I've never BEEN someone else's best friend. I've always felt like my parents loved my sister more. And to go from finally being the center of someone else's world to just drifting away into nothing? I don't know if I can take it. It makes me feel like a worthless sack of shit.

And I started thinking about how I was pretty melancholy for a kid when I was growing up, I had a definite lack of friends there as well. And what I'd do in the middle of the night when I was sad and didn't want to be alone is go out to my mom in the kitchen, because she stayed up way later than the rest of the family and would still be out there, and pretend like my stomach was hurting so I could stay up and talk to her and not be alone. But of course, I'm a grown up and can't do that. And even if I did still live with them, she'll never be around again and I don't know how to deal with that either. I just want to kick and scream and tear something apart. I want to ask the universe why the fuck it needs to repeatedly kick me while I'm down like that. I lost my love, my friendship, my direction in life, and I can't even rely on the things most 26 year olds can take for granted, like their parents or even their health. What am I supposed to do?

And then of course, the most depressing thought, the thought that I pretty much think, all day most days: it is always going to be like this.

Today rocked as much as the last few days have sucked reasons.

--I haven't cried! At all! CRAZYNESS!

--Josh & I are friends again!

--I feel like my friends really do care, which I had crazily not felt about most of them lately.

--I got an interview for another position in my company! I actually started aiming lower than I had previously, but I actually am really really interested in the job I got the interview for. I also scored a SECOND interview, though I am less excited about that job. My boss also set up a mock interview for me tomorrow and I intend to rock it like a hurricane and use it to rock the real interview like a hurricane, and ending up the happiest person ever.

--I feel like I actually am connecting with people at work. Like, I technically don't have real friends that I hang out with, but no less than 3 people I work with engaged me in conversation today, and most of it wasn't awful work stuff, it was stuff that showed they actually care, or at least like my bizzare sense of humor. That's not counting my boss, who seemed almost as happy as I am about the interviews. No matter what you say about my company, one thing is you can tell they actually want you to succeed, and I'm glad.

--No really bad poops

fasd

So today at work I started having really bad, painful poops that were hard to get out. If it ever gets that bad, usually I go home. On top of that I had a headache, and my back and butt hurt. But lately, I've racked up a lot of absences. My supervisor, who has been really cool, warned me at one point that I will get in trouble soon if I keep getting them and it will go on my record. And I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, etc. onto infinity want to get promoted. I hate my job so much that sometimes even thinking of working there one more day makes me cry in the bathroom for 15 minutes before I start work. So I stuck it out.

Until 9:55 when I could leave. So I left.

And when I got home I realized it was 8:55.

I stayed there almost that whole time in fucking AGONY to avoid having an absence on my record. I worked so damn hard to avoid the absence....... and then I got one. Then I had to call up my supervisor and tell him, which was even worse. I feel like even my own excuses aren't plausible anymore. "Oh I can't work, I have colitis." "Oh, I can't work I have bronchitis." "Oh I was late to work someone slashed my tires," "Oh, I can't work I'm too depressed." And now... "Oh, I left early because I can't read." I cried on the phone, which I didn't want to do, because it makes me feel like I'm this fake busting out the crying at will whenever I want to make him okay an absence. He said it was alright but seriously.... I feel about one inch tall.

So I lost my security badge to get in and out of work. That's annoying, but what makes me sadder is I lost the Border's lanyard I had it on. I don't know why, but I was emotionally attached to the lanyard, and I can never replace it. Even it I did go to Borders and weirdly asked someone I know for a new one, it wouldn't be the same color as the ones from when I worked there.

In other news, last night I dreamt like 80 dreams (unusual for me) and they were ALL about Josh, Meijer, and Scrubs. In every dream, everyone flickered in and out of being scrubs characters (I'm not going to bother mentiong the switches to and back). Every dream was set in Meijer. One of them was not about Josh, it was about some light beer commercial set in Meijer. The "gimmick" was that the people were talking about buying beer, but they didn't have any in their shopping cart. Then you see the beer, and it's so light that it's on the ceiling. I don't know if a real ad like that exists, or I made it up. I had another dream where I started getting special discounts from Meijer because I had spent over 10,000 in there this year. Then when I got out of the store, I found out Josh was in town and he hadn't even told me. It turns out he had gotten kicked out of his home, and was living with someone up here. I was mad that he hadn't told me or chose me to live with. Also he was lighting a bag of poo and fireworks on fire to prank some friend of his. Then I drove away with my parents, and they taught me a valuable lesson on seatbelt safety. I had another dream where Josh was cheating on me (I guess we were still together in this dream) with his roommate's girlfriend. I caught them making out in Meijer. I had another dream where Josh got me hooked on cocaine, and then we hung out in Meijer. I had another dream where Josh had hidden cameras, taped every moment of us together, edited together the ones where I say something snarky and sarcastic, and gave it to Meijer so they could show it on all the little TV's they have in their checkout lines.

Why am I THIS obsessed with Meijer? I mean I get why it's all Josh, Josh, Josh. Maybe even the Scrubs bits, cause I've watched it a lot lately. But Meijer?

Meh

I hate it when people post lyrics. But... this is so totally the case, other than the bit about being half the world away. Except, of course, for the fact that I might as well be. Oh and the bit about not writing goodbyes is wrong too, because I presently will be helping to proofread her obituary.


Ever since I was young your word is the word that always won.
Worry and wake the ones you love.
A phone call I'd rather not receive.
Please use my body while I sleep.
My lungs are fresh and yours to keep,
Kept clean and they will let you breathe.

Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind.

Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these,
so I sat alone and waited out the night.
The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed.
So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around.
I'm not writing my goodbyes.

I submit no excuse.
If this is what I have to do I owe you every day I wake.
If I could I would shrink myself and sink through your skin to your blood cells
and remove whatever makes you hurt but I am too weak to be your cure.

I'm not letting you check out.
You will beat this starting now and you will always be around.
I'm there to monitor your breathing
I will watch you while you're sleeping.
I will keep you safe and sound.
Does anybody remember back when you were very young.
Did you ever think that you would be this blessed?

Yes, it's an emo song.

And of course I am feeling the Predatory Wasp of the Palisades too right now. Which is not emo, but might as well be.

I can't explain the state that I'm in
The state of my heart, he was my best friend
My friend is gone, he ran away
I can tell you, I love him each day
Though we have sparred, wrestled and raged
I can tell you I love him each day

And of course Fred Jones

There was no party, there were no songs
'Cause today's just a day like the day that he started
No one is left here that knows his first name
Yeah, and life barrels on like a runaway train
Where the passengers change
They don't change anything
You get off; someone else can get on

Yeah, and all of these bastards
Have taken his place
He's forgotten but not yet gone

Other awesome things that've happened lately:

--My grandpa is sick

--lost my MP3 player. Not only that, it had the few songs I was able to save off my old computer. And, of course, I'd not backed them up onto my new computer again.