Dunno if the downstairs neighbor has friends/family in town that are horrible, or if he's just finally displaying his asshole colors (he's related to the previous horrible downstairs neighbor) but Weds, yesterday, and today he's been loud as hell, including obnoxious music, and of course, the loud fighting including both yelling and the sounds of things being loudly thrown around downstairs. I guess I'm still ahead, there's no baby or car vandalism from this guy, but after months of calm I was kind of hoping he'd be not annoying.

Awesome. There are rats or birds or something in my ceiling, freaking out and making noise. I'm guessing it's not a rat, based on the fact that if there were rats in my building, they'd probabably be hanging out in my place since I live like an animal. What the hell would a rat do in my ceiling?

But apparently it's only over my ceiling, because the condo prez, my neighbor, hasn't been hearing this.

This makes me kind of worried it's in the line going from my clothes dryer to the outside. Which means if it dies there, I'm going to have a smell unless we can extricate it somehow (which I don't know how, I'm like 3 stories up and we don't have a ladder that tall, and the line itself is really long). And if it somehow finds its way into my dryer, I'm going to have a wild animal freaking out inside my house.

meh

Man, I thought once I threw off the depression, I would have more energy and actually clean up after myself and get groceries, other things I've been putting off. But I am just as energyless as before, I'm just not crying all the time. So, there is something to be said for that, at least.

I've also been sleeping way more. I've been going to bed earlier and earlier and I'm still waking up really late. Not sure whether that's a side effect of the meds or not, I've always been able to sleep for really long stretches of time, just not consistantly all in a row like this. Even if it is, your body's supposedly able to adjust after about four weeks, and the side effects mostly go away. Plus sleeping all day is def. preferable to crying all day.

I also have an interview on Tues. We'll see how it goes.

I have ninjas on my gmail now!

Yes, yes, and also an email from an elderly woman that says "through a rapist's eyes" in all caps. Don't get me started on that.

ninjas!

meh

So today at work I got into a conversation with a manager about how to get promoted. It sucked pretty hard, it was all about networking and that stuff I just don't really want to do. I guess I'm pretty glad I'm on antidepressants, because this is the sort of conversation that usually makes me want to get away as fast as I can so that I can cry in private. As it was, I was still a little bummed.

woozle wuzzle

So, even though they said it would probably take a little while for the Paxil to kick in, I think I am already feeling the effects. Sometimes I think of something that, a week ago, would have me in tears, and I'm only just lightly bummed. This is a good thing, because I didn't like crying all the time, but it makes me wonder if being more content through chemical intervention will make me fight less for the things I want in life. Also, I've always been a worrier, it's part of my character. Will I be different if I don't worry all the time?

I dunno, I used to think these sorts of things about ritalin back when I needed it, but I did ultimately keep taking it until I didn't need it anymore, because it did help me a lot. And it looks like this will help me a lot, so I will probably keep taking it unless I start getting bad side effects or something.

I hung out with Josh this weekend, and he said he noticed I was peppier too, so it's not just my imagination. He & I had a great time playing monopoly (his wheelbarrow skooled my shoe ass in the ways of capitalism), this game I got him for Christmas called Caesar & Cleopatra (pretty fun, involves gigalos), and phase 10 twist which he got me as a just because gift along with Always Sunny in Philadelphia seasons 1 & 2 cause Target had the mad sales going on, apparently. He picked up a couple of seasons of the Simpsons for himself at an insanely low price like $15 or something each. He also made me breakfast(yum!), cleaned my toilet, and we watched some new Always Sunny's and Sarah Silverman Program together. And I just have to say, while Sarah is always good, this latest one was INSANELY good. So weird & freaky but great. It had a lot of good guest stars too, though most of them didn't get very much screen time. He also bought me some blue christmas lights to replace the ones he got me last year that broke already for whatever reason. We also enjoyed home made chocolate chip cookies (tasty!) that I had made.

Work today was so so. Most of it was alright, but I did get a caller that called me a stupid bitch. It made me mad more than anything, because all the instances he got exasperated with me were either because he expected me to just psychicly know something, or were as a result of his own stupidity (do you have a claim number? no. do you have your policy number? I already told you no, you stupid bitch! Uh, those are two separate things, dude. When did it happen? 4 months ago. Do you know a date? It happened in september. That's one month ago. I KNOW! Well you said it was four months ago. It happened in august. Are you sure, you just said it was september? I TOLD YOU IT WAS AUGUST. And so on.) I did get early dismissal though, so I got to leave early.

Man, I don't know what it is the last couple days.... I start out all happy and full of energy and I'm like, "Yeah, I am beating depression!" then I start feeling down again.

phoemeister (3:58:17 PM): you know, today is awesome
phoemeister (3:58:19 PM): I took off work
phoemeister (3:58:23 PM): I'm listening to good music
phoemeister (3:58:25 PM): I get to talk to tina
phoemeister (3:58:29 PM): I have good tea
phoemeister (3:58:36 PM): my digestive system is feeling good
Tina (3:58:42 PM): whoohoo!
phoemeister (3:58:48 PM): and I get to make/eat chocolate chip cookies!
phoemeister (3:59:02 PM): oh and I have this lilac candle that smells so good burning
phoemeister (3:59:29 PM): I don't know if it's the happy pills or the excercise, but this is the best day I've had in a long time
Tina (4:00:12 PM): sweet

phoemeister (5:00:17 PM): I mean poo in general smells bad
phoemeister (5:00:22 PM): but this was above and beyond
Suibrom (5:01:13 PM): setting afire a skunk made of rotten eggs?
phoemeister (5:02:13 PM): like bigfoot's dick, more
Suibrom (5:02:16 PM): haha
Suibrom (5:02:20 PM): pure gasoline?
phoemeister (5:02:21 PM): or a diaper full of indian food
phoemeister (5:02:31 PM): yep, now you know where they get sex panther
Suibrom (5:03:16 PM): your butt?
phoemeister (5:04:09 PM): yep
Suibrom (5:04:27 PM): I'm kind of a freak, but I have to be honest.. I wouldn't rub that on me
Suibrom (5:04:31 PM): even if it promised to get me chicks
phoemeister (5:04:41 PM): oh come on
Suibrom (5:05:06 PM): okay maybe a little bit
phoemeister (5:05:15 PM): liquid distilled sexy from the sexiest butt on earth?
Suibrom (5:05:40 PM): Hey, old men said it was nice.. it has to be good

Baaaaaaaaaah. My day started pretty well, I've been in a good mood since I saw the doctor about the happy pills. I don't think I've been on them long enough to have any actual reaction (he said it takes 4 weeks for them to hit their peak effectiveness, about one week to notice any reaction), but I think the placebo effect + knowing there's at least some change happening has made me peppy. We'll see how it lasts.

Esp. since the Baaaah means my day just got worse, i.e. instead of doing thanksgiving with just my dad like I had hoped, it seems I'm going to have to go to one of my stupid brother in law's familys like I had pretty much suspected was going to happen. See, after she got married, my sister would drop by on us at Thanksgiving, but she had 3 to go to in one day and so didn't eat that much at ours. So basically thanksgiving would be with just me and my dad, and everyone always acts like it's too much work to do for two people, even if I'll do the work and am freely willing to. But I floated the idea of us doing thanksgiving together and he said yes and I was surprised and happy.

But now, of course, we got the invite from brother in law's family (they're nice people, I'm not surprised at the invitation) and of course it makes my sister's thanksgiving less of a hassle cause she doesn't have to come to see us, it is the logical thing to do. Dad wants to do it that way.

The only thing is I don't want to fucking be logical. I want to spend thanksgiving with just my dad (and my sister if she wants to stop by). I don't want to be nice to people I don't know that well, even if they are nice people. I don't want to eat weird food not prepared exactly how I like it. I want my own damned thanksgiving, not to be some pathetic charity case at some other person's thanksgiving full of strangers.

I got my teapot the other day, it is super cool! I like how I can now make several cups at once, and if I want I can keep them warm until I drink them, instead of having to make a cup every time I want one. It is also better than the things I had to make it cup by cup because the infuser is finer so no grit (yay).

Dunno if it's just a fad or anything, but I've basically gotten into loose leaf tea because green & white tea supposedly have a lot of immune system & anti cancer benefits, and those are diminished if you don't have it loose leaf. Also, the cool part about loose leaf tea is, since I don't really love the flavor of the actual tea, I can pop in however much herbal tea I want with it to make it taste better. (For non tea nerds--herbal tea, despite the name, is not tea. Real tea comes from tea plants. Herbal tea is most other plants that taste good when you crunch them up and pour hot water on them. So basically peppermint, spearmint, anything fruity, chamomile--though chamomile is disgusting, the others are delightful). And a lot of the loose leaf herbal tea I've been getting tastes really good and more intense than bag tea and all that.

Despite some digestive issues, I've actually had a decent week. There were some people who are in training to be agents who visited our office the other day, and the guy who sat and watched me was amazed at all the great things we do and very complimentary about it. It's sort of nice to get that for a change. And I had my yearly evaluation the other day, and it sounds like I did well. I don't get the accompanying raise or bonus (or even know what they are) until Feb, but it gives me something to look forward to.

Today was sort of weird--I started crying again for no real reason. That was definitely not the highlight of my day. But it went away again and I had a fairly decent day otherwise. Saw the doctor and got the happy pills, they say I should know within a week whether they are doing anything, but I won't see the full effects for a month.

I hate my colon! Things were just finally settling down, and now I'm fucked up again. What terrible food-sin have I committed? I had fucking BREAD for dinner last night. And the meal before that was spaghetti-o's. No dairy, no veggies, I am forced to ask: what the fuck?

I woke up at 2pm today. I always feel so horribly guity when I do that. And I can't 100% remember when I went to bed last night, but I'm thinking that's over 12 hours of sleep. Which I guess wouldn't have happened without sleeping pills.

I guess I did partly make a resolution to sleep away as much time as possible until I could see the doctor, but now I feel I went overboard. I'm also probably never going to get onto a normal sleep sched ever again, which is a bummer. The later I sleep, the harder it is to get to bed at a decent hour, the more likely I will be up in the middle of the night another night crying.

Yes, folks, I hate my whiny bitchiness as much as you do.

I am a horrible person.

Of all my friendship comics, I never did one for Tina! And I've known her the longest! What is up with that? I am a bad person.

Anyway, without further ado:

GAH. I've had extremely chapped lips for a number of winters now, but I guess it just gets worse. Lately, the corners of my mouth get cracked. They were extremely bad for awhile, but by obsessively slathering them with chapstick, I got them to go away. Now they're back, and I don't even know why, because I have continued the slathering, with the same chapstick as before, even. Fucking.... world. Don't I have enough shit to deal with already?

stuff

Colon has continued to be a bastard. I am tired of feeling like shit all the time. Sometimes I tell myself I am never going to eat again, but just like clockwork, I do. And then feel shitty again.

Hung out with my dad today, which was alright. The weather was nice. I broached the subject of Thanksgiving with him. I thought he would be all, "no thanksgiving!" like last year, but he seemed cool with me making stuff. I couldn't really get a read on him, as to whether or not he wanted to do it or if he's just humoring me (he doesn't seem to be overly happy or sad about it), but I guess even if he is humoring me, I'd rather be humored than not have a thanksgiving.

Awesome. My stupid fucking colon made me miss another day's work. Nowhere, here I come.

Emotional rollercoaster. Me. Sucks.

So yesterday Josh & I went up to Ikea, which was fun. I felt bad because some of the stuff he liked wasn't in stock and he was a little sad about it.



He ended up with placemats and a stuffed rat.

I, on the other hand, came back with no toys though I'd looked on behalf of the 'phews. The thing is, it's very easy for me to convince myself not to get things for them because they already have so much. I look at a cool toy, and ask myself if they'd really play with it, and usually the answer is no, so I don't waste my money.

I did end up with the same placemats, though. Because they are fucking awesome.



I also got some christmas lights, which makes me think I am obsessed with christmas lights. I got a bunch last year too. It still makes me mad that the blue ones from last year are already busted, but I guess that's what I get for having them on all year. The blue ones just have nice memories attached to them... Anyway, the new ones:




I got this medicine cabinet:



It doesn't really go with anything in my bathroom, but it was 15 bucks. Plus the other one I was looking at was out of stock.

I got an apron, and a little lamp, too.

Then today I cried a bunch because I don't know what I'm going to do for thanksgiving.

Then I bought a teapot.

The end.