yech

So today I finally did the thing all of you knew I would one day do: and that is cry while listening to Fall Out Boy. Yes, I did it. I can consider myself a genuinely emo loser whiney crybaby now.

Though to be honest it's not like FOB sings to my soul or they moved me to tears or anything. I more consider it crying while I happened to be listening to FOB. One piece of evidence: what I was doing was cleaning out some stuff at my parents house and at one point I was going through college graduation cards I got that were all, "You're going to do great things!" and I cried because I haven't and probably won't. I had FOB on because I wanted something up tempo to clean to.

Second piece of evidence: I almost cried last night while listening to Better Than Ezra and washing dishes. This is a sad but true fact.

everybody knows it hurts to grow up

Me: aw, I'm listening to Counting Crows now. Look at what you've done to me, life!
Ryan: uh ohs :\
Me: it's funny that I have all this emo but when I'm sad I really usually go with something else
Me: I guess my sad bastardness isn't too bad. I was going through picking sad music and then I was like, "oh but this looks really good" and started picking songs that rock
Ryan: haha
Ryan: sometimes.. even when you're sad
Ryan: you need to rock
Me: except I think my definition of rock and yours slightly differ :/
Me: Because I was like, "Live??? I haven't listened to that in ages! That ROCKS!" :P
Ryan: haha
Ryan: gaaaaaay
Me: well I'm a girl
Me: that's my excuse
Me: for like everything
Ryan: haha
Me: it's also why I can't drive or do math
Ryan: "I can't throw a baseball!"
Ryan: "I hate bugs!"
Me: "I can't own property"
Ryan: "I can't vote!"
Me: "I can't pee standing up very well"
Ryan: haha
Ryan: "very well"
Me: doesn't mean I don't strive to get better at it
Me: I practice all the time
Ryan: haha
Ryan: i'd be disturbed, and intrigued to see that
Ryan: they make these weird funnel things for women to pee standing up
Me: haha for reals?
Ryan: I've seen them
Ryan: I've seen everything
Me: HAHAHA
Me: I love Patrick Stewart
Ryan: I dunno why.. but this site doesn't have any pictures of what their thing actually looks like
Ryan: http://www.mysweetpee.com/index.asp
Me: haha that's my Ryan
Me: looking up pee funnels on the interweb at work
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: it's better than like.. "How To Get Away With Pedophilia in the Workplace"
Ryan: or something
Me: HAHA true

jeleeeebeeeeenth

Mike: is it just me, or is lazy eye kind of funny?
Mike: your mom's is
Me: though I think how she got it (me sticking my weiner in her eye) is the funny part
Mike: my mom's lazy eye is a serious problem and isn't funny!
Me: the serious problem is she lets people stick their wieners in her eye

word wizard

Me: you are not the sharpest knife in the drawer, Ryan
Me: but we still love you
Ryan: I'm sharp
Ryan: I'm just adventurous
Ryan: and sometimes when you're sharp and adventurous.. you trip and cut yourself
Me: LOL
Me: nice metaphor
Ryan: haha thanks
Ryan: I like to consider myself a wordsmith
Ryan: even better.. a WORD WIZARD
Me: "and when you cut yourself, it cuts like a knife but feels so right"
Ryan: haha
Ryan: the only problem with being a word wizard is when you run out of mana
Me: haha you're such a dork
Me: IBPW

perverted mike

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yeeeeah

I'm feeling somewhat happy today as I have sort of broken out the summer music. Not really conciously, but then I realized I was. Anyhow, RHCP and Better Than Ezra should somehow be marketed the same way as Zoloft, because they make you forget (however briefly) that you hate your life.

Also, people should be that way too. When I came into work yesterday to cover someone's 5 hour shift, Kevin and Explosion made me happy in ways I can't even describe.

money talks, I hate to listen, but lately it's been screaming in my ear

So I'm beginning to think it wasn't Elaine's idea to cut my hours down even less than regular part time, as she has lately called a couple times to ask if I want to cover for people who've called in. This is nice, really nice, because I need the money. I also saw Lister the other day and he said he would pretty much call me first if someone calls out.

The sucky bit though is that I have even more unpredictibility in when I'm working or not than I did before. And often they call me when I've made plans and then I have to decide if money or plans are more important. Realistically in the boat I am in now, the number 1 top priority IS money. But... I hate it. One goddamned five hour shift here and there isn't going to fix my fucking financial problems and I really usually want to do whatever it is more.

HATE THE WORLD. REVENGE SOON. TAKE OUT EVERYONE.

Oh it is moderately amusing though, the DN's got me this money toad which was REALLY REALLY nice of them. BDN and I were talking on aim one night and he was extolling the virtues of his (apparently both he and GDN were offered jobs shortly after getting it, it's a feng shui thing) and then poof! They were in town a short time not too long ago (I meant to blog it because I was so stoked but now that I'm unemployed I am so lazy I barely lift a finger to even take care of personal hygiene much less blogging etc.) and they brought one for me. Anyway I find the amusing bit to be that yes, I do have more money coming in, because right after is when I started getting calls to take other people's shifts.

I'm hoping the money toad is just warming up and I'll get a new (and better) job soon. I don't like being unemployed and I have a feeling that going to the store as resentful as I am now will be even more miserable. There really needs to be a happines toad or something out there.

-oi8joj

It sucks that even when you're unemployed you have to do unpleasant things. And then you're not even paid for them. Basically I'm complaining about applications and interviews. SO annoying. Today I have to go in (actually I probably should've done it yesterday, but evs) and re-fill in all the crap they want. Apparently even though all the info is the same they want me to update it for shits and giggles. And I couldn't do it when I actually was there because they want all that crazy crap like addresses and phone numbers of employers you had like 8 years ago. I don't really want to, because I feel like I blew the interview and this will be pointless anyway, but I still have to.

I should get out anyway.

slakjf

So, one of the things that hurt the most is I thought that at least part of this decision came from Elaine, aka someone not the pscyho crazy hosebeast previously known on here as boss-boss but now known as the Antichrist. And you know, maybe it does. But everyone keeps telling me that Antichrist is behind all of it, and I'm beginning to believe them. And I like thinking that, because it makes me more angry, and being angry hurts less than being sad and hating myself.

So I'm feeling a lot better than I did right after the fact, but I am still sad and fucked up over it, which I think made my job interview today not go well. Like, a lot of the questions are about setbacks and things you've had in your previous job. So I'd always think of some way Antichrist screwed me or something and it would make me sad/angry and I'd get more flustered and say the stupidest possible thing to the people (like really, incredibly stupid things). The only thing that cheered me up at all (which always does when I go to apply at that place) was the sign that says "Not an Exit" on one of the doors on the way out, which reminds me of my favorite Saves the Day song, "This Is Not an Exit" which is basically about not beating yourself up over things that happened in the past.

Another reason I know I'm still messed up over this whole thing is I thought of slashing Antichrist's tires today and for a couple minutes, it seemed like a really, really good idea. This is bad because I don't meen "good" in the sense that "she deserves it" because that is totally true. This is bad because I thought of it as "good" in the "not a totally idiotic thing to do" sense. Which is totally false. I'm glad that passed though. I AM however still tempted to see how many of my coworkers will agree to bring in "Smells Like Phoemeister" and play it when she is working with them.

Anyway all I really want to do right now is listen to Say Anything (about the angriest band I listen to anymore). Part of it is I this one cd on a mix cd I've been listening to a lot lately reminds me of one of their songs, but I do think part of it is the anger. They kind of make me sad too (most emo I just laugh at, but a couple bands really do touch me). There's this one song called "Admit It!!!" that I enjoy because it's funny and makes fun of hipsters, but the other half of it is about being secure in who you yourself are and it makes me sad because I'm not. And there's this one line in it, "I want to taste the breeze of every great city," that makes me sad because I want to do that too, but feel any chance of ever being rich enough to travel a lot or confident enough to move a lot (to big places no less) slipping away.

I'm to scared to even move a short distance away. The DN's, Opt, and Sista have all told me I should move away (with varying degrees of seriousness) and all I can think is that it'd be more difficult to see the Phew and he'll grow up without me and never know me the way I am with most of my relatives, and that my parents won't be as able or willing to help me out financially.

I don't know what I want to do with my life, all I know are a few things I definitely don't want to do, and they're all the things I likely can do so it just leaves me feeling trapped and scared.

why I came home sobbing

So.... this is how I described my new, horrifying situation to someone:

Phoemeister: well you know how I'm technically unemployed?
Phoemeister: Like I only work one day a week at the store?
Phoemeister: well today I asked them if I could go ful time, and they're like "no we're phasing out full time people because it just makes scheduling more flexible." Which I expected a little because they have been phasing people out lately
Phoemeister: but then I asked for at least more hours
Phoemeister: so it'd be like a real part time job not one day a week
Phoemeister: and they said that in the last six months my work has been substandard and they can't justify giving me more hours
Phoemeister: so basically even though I have the one day a week I feel like I've been fired
Phoemeister: from my first real job
Phoemeister: I was so upset I had to go home because I couldn't stop sobbing
Phoemeister: I should've known goddamn better than to have thought I could come back
Phoemeister: and I should've known goddamn better that I would hate afni
Phoemeister: but I didn't and I'm screwed and it's all my fault
Phoemeister: oh and in addition I feel HORRIBLE that I've apparently been so substandard that I'm unwanted

no news

Posts are rather sparse cause there's not that much news to tell. I eat and sleep, mostly. I'm going to be 800 lbs by the time I get another job.

I talk to Elaine tomorrow, though I guess boss-boss still probably won't be back. We'll see. I also got a job interview somewhere else on Weds. But it's another call center-esque sort of job, so we'll see how it goes if I get it.

clown sex

Mike: there is an online comic called gotham girls
Mike: i've not mentioned it before because it's sort of fruity, i get past that because i want to see harley and im willing to make some sacrifices, but i don't think you guys would like it
Mike: however, im on season 3 now, and it's actually pretty good so far

Me: I knew Mike would be into clowns
Ryan: haha
Ryan: yeah his Harle obsession is weird
Me: he's obsessed with her? eewww
Ryan: yeah
Me: haha I'm watching this, and they way they're drawn she's the least hot
Ryan: haha
Ryan: I mean, skin tight suit = hot
Ryan: pale chick = hot
Ryan: clown outfit and jesters hat?
Ryan: no
Me: also no matter who does the voice for her (I've seen other cartoons of batman before too) always has the most fucking annoying voice possible
Ryan: yeah her voice is always annoying
Me: yeah like poison ivy has half her rack showing
Me: cat woman's always hot
Me: and then mike goes for the freak in the jester's outfit
Ryan: haha
Me: I'm re-iterating my taunts directly to him


Me: but you go for the freak in the jester's outfit with the obnoxious voice?
Mike: dood, thats so hot
Mike: 1 she's got a hot body, but i mean, they all do
Mike: 2 she's out of her fucking mind, and thats hot for some reason
Me: haha they're all crazy too
Me: no one sane jumps off buildings in a cat outfit
Mike: but her flavor of crazy is better

Me: I said we'll agree to disagree
Me: but in my head I went, "Clown crazy is always most unsavory of the crazies."
Phoemeister: least savory, I mena
Ryan: yes, clown sex is just a frightening thought
Me: Wait Mike + clown sex is like 80 times as horrifying as clown sex alone
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: that will burn into your brain for EVER

unemployment

So I called Elaine and she said she'd have to talk to boss-boss, who's in a conference right now so it'll be a week.

I quit MPH anyway though. So I think I'm technically unemployed right now, except for one day a week at the store (I'm thinking I could up my part time hours without boss-boss's word on it, at least, though).

So... first off I have to wait a week, which sucks. Secondly, who knows what boss-boss will do? I am a valuable member of the team but she's done irrational things before, and hates me. I find it hilarious how when I talked to Lister he said, "at least you didn't burn your bridges," and I didn't, but it could not matter at all because one of my bridges is a crazy bitch who burns me at every opportunity.

So I'm trying to look for a job right now in earnest. This will be the first time I'll have been unemployed without my parents supporting me, so I'm a little worried.

sdaf

Yeah so I talked to Lister today, he says they haven't hired anyone to replace me yet. Elaine will be there at 2, and I'm going to talk to her about going full time again.

oh and also

this is an excerpt from a conver I had with someone who used to work at MPH:

Phoemeister: MPH bloooooooooooooooooows :/
Rob: haha
Rob: first day?
Me: 2nd
Me: I want to kill myself or something
Rob: haha you will find that if you do not really need that extra money....you will not stay at Afn
Me: Afni's the only place besides the store borders that will have me :/
Me: and I can't do retail for the rest of my life
Me: but I don't think I can even take the month of training there
Me: much less day after day of angry customers
Rob: it was no piece o cake
Me: yeah the other people are always mentioning jerks who like would call up and curse them out or something :?
Me: I don't know if it's because I was sleep deprived or what but today all I could think was "I ahve to get out of here. I have to get out of here."
Rob: and being the social person you are........that place will make you want to die haha

sadness

I already hate, hate, hate the new job. I've started referring to it as "my personal hell." (MPH since they love their goddamned acronyms so much)

Now..... I'm not sure if some of this is sleep deprivation, I get pretty crazy and upset when I'm tired, and I totally am (trained at MPH till 11:30 last night, couldn't fall asleep till 2, got up at 5 to work a shift at the store, then back to MPH until 11:30. Yesterday I was like, "this is moderately crappy, but oh well." Today during training all I could think was, "I have to get out of here. Someone get me out of this place. I can not be here. I have to get out. I want to die."

I was alternately falling asleep and doing the panicked jimmy leg the entire time.

So I'm thinking of quitting already like a big fat quitter.

Other factors: most of the people in my class do not seem like exactly best friends material, I've heard a lot of stories about how jerky the customers are.

But on the other hand, I do not want to just go back to the store again (no matter how lovely it was to be there and do new releases today and see all my friends and not see boss-boss). I'm at the age that retail, unless you advance which I never will there, or have some sort of gift for it (which I don't), or like it (which I don't), is kind of sad and depressing. And it took this long for fuckin' MPH to take me.... no desirable job ever will. I don't want to waste more time and/or money in school. And I don't know what I'd take if I did.

But if I do go back to the store, I want to do it quick before they replace me.

And honestly I don't want another day like today where I just wanted to die.

So.....

Whenever anyone's asked me if I'm scared or excited about the new job this past week, I've been sort of like, "meh." That's kind of because I've pushed as much of it out of my mind as possible up till now. Because I'm a worrier, and now that I can't push it out (it's my first day of training today) it is gnawing at me to great extremes. Even little things become enormous. Some questions I am already worrying about:

- Which entrance to the building do I go in? There are like three, they all look the same, and I forget which one he told me.

-Will they have somewhere to put my lunch? Should I just not bring any lunch the first day so as to not look stupid carrying around my lunch all day when there's nowhere to put it? But if I don't bring anything, will they let us leave the building to get something?

-Can I just walk out if I need to use the bathroom, like in college? I doubt it. Will there be mandated bathroom breaks? What if I have to go when it's not one? Do I have to raise my hand? Will they think I use the bathroom too much? Will I have to explain that I have colitis in front of everyone?

I know these are stupid, but I think worrying about stupid things is my brain's reaction to not worrying about the job as a whole. More than one person has told me I'll hate it (thanks, helpful people) there. I dunno. Evs. I can always go back to the Store if I absolutely have to.

good times

I haven't really blogged because I haven't been doing much. This whole break has pretty much been a waste of time. Which, while I feel weirdly guilty about that sometimes, is at least nice and relaxing.

And I mean, it's not been a total waste of time. I FINALLY got my stupid bangs cut yesterday. The day before that I taught The 'Phew that "Robot men" go "beep boop" and then we chased each other around his house screaming "beep boop" at each other a couple hours. I did my laundry (then forgot to get it out of my car). I made my first perfect batch of brownies. I used up a gift card I've been meaning to.

But, by in large I sleep 12 hours a night, even though I don't mean to. The rest of my time is largely concerned with Firefly, Home Movies, listening to music, and World of Warcraft.

good times

Rob: so, Lister called me lil' rob over the intercom after closing the other night......I thank you and Thug.
Me: hahah I'm not the one who came up with it
Me: it was Nebrasky and Thug
Rob: but you and Thug have kept it in the mainstream hah
Me: haha true :P If it bothers you I'll stop but you didn't seem to care
Rob: haha no, thats all right......If i look like an untalented celebrity....I look like an untalented celebrity.
Me: that's the hilarious thing though
Me: you look nothing like rob thomas!
Rob: if we're going to call me by the name of a person i don't resemble......it should be something more fun..
Rob: like Genghis Khan
Me: DUDE. That's a band too
Me: an awesome german abba-esque band that dresses up in costumes and dances
Me: http://youtube.com/watch?v=cD3lPGcvtpE
Me: you will pee your pants, it's just that awesome
Rob: Well, I just took a shower........so i peed on myself, then.
Me: well get ready to do it again
Rob: (searching for the hidden David Hasslehoff)
Rob: i know he's in there somewhere
Me: I think he's the bald guy
Rob: with a foot of space between his front teeth
Me: haha it's a clever disguise
Rob: these are exactly the kind people I would expect to commit genecide.
Me: you just totally burned germany
Rob: yeah.....but theres an ocean between us......I'd be too scared to say anything if there werent.
Me: I have nazi pancake mix
Rob: haha
Rob: i bet its not nearly as good as krusteaz (crusty-ass) pancake mix
Rob: it makes me laugh every time i see it.
Me: LOL
Me: that's actually what it is
Rob: haha
Me: it just happens to formerly been owned by a nazi
Rob: I can see that
Me: Opt's roommate's ex boyfriend was a neo nazi, and he bought it
Rob: I remember tasting the prejudice in it last time.
Rob: oh, good.
Me: and through a series of unfortunate events I got custody of it
Rob: ooo a series of unfortunate events........I like that movie.
Me: haha yeah it was pretty good
Me: I was too lazy to read the books
Rob: me too......but Jim Carrey isn't in the books.....so I can justify things.
Me: you are reading the book and halfway through it you throw it down angrily, "THERE'S NO JIM CARREY IN THIS!!!"
Rob: I do that with most things, regardless what they are or if they could even feasibly HAVE a Jim Carrey in them.
Me: "this racist pancake mix has no jim carrey!!!"

It's weird....

Vacationesque interlude update: still not doing much. A couple people I've meant to hang out with I've called, they can't do anything. The others, I keep forgetting because I mean to, and then I have the attention span of a goldfish.

Movie marathon: I might just do alone, it seems like a hassle to try and get a whole group together, especially with the uphill battle I'm having trying to get people to hang out with me in the first place.

stuff

Well... scratch the hanging out with Sista bit. She is a busy, busy lady.

Everything else is ON though.

boop beep

So.... ultimate sadness. Not only can't YM live where the DN's did (she was considering this), she actually mentioned there's an opening in my place to Stupid, who now wants to live there.

I really, really, really, really, really, really do NOT want him down there.

1) We're not really friends. We're not really strangers. We're aquaintances. We'd have to make fucking small talk all the time. I already have someone in this building that I'm constantly dodging small talk from. I don't want to feel like I have to avoid yet another person. I don't want to feel guilty for not talking to him every time I see him. I don't want him going around telling everyone I'm a bitch because I'm rude and won't make small talk with him (though with how I handled this situation everyone thinks I'm a bitch anyway).

2) He's one of the few people at work I don't really like. I don't exactly hate him or anything, but he can get annoying and I really don't want to import this annoyingness into my home life.

3) I don't think he's malicious or anything, and I don't really have anything to hide, but I really don't need to feel like there's someone in my building who knows my comings and goings and can/will tell people at the Store.

4) He is a chain smoker, and not only that he smokes like the nastiest cigarettes on earth. My bathroom already smells like smoke half the time, I do not need to make it worse.

5) I don't want to have to invite him every time I'm doing someone with coworkers or be roped into carpooling with him ever just because we would live the same place.

So... yeah. I'm kind of glad that I got wind of this before he asked me, because I probably would've gotten flustered and told him yes he could move down there when it's the last thing on earth I want to happen. My reasons weren't as well-articulated as they are now, but I did manage to tell him no. I told him it would be creepy (which it would be). He told me he wasn't stalking me or anything and I wouldn't have to talk to him or anything, but that only takes care of like one thing on this list, and I still would probably feel guilty about avoiding talking to him anyway.

I was told that was mean (by other people) because he really needs somewhere cheap to live, but I'm refusing to let that make me feel bad. This is not the only place in town. This isn't even the only cheap place in town. It's not like his only alternative is the street.

I'm half tempted to call up my landlord, on the off chance Stupid decides/figures out how to contact him, and tell him that if Stupid moves in I'm moving out, and he'll be back where he started RE: trying to find someone. I really, really don't want to have to do that, though.

This whole situation is the suck, but I'm glad I stood up for myself for once.

In good news, I only work one day next week! I already went down to part time even though I don't start my new job till next week. It's going to be so awesome. Things I'm going to do:

-Visit Opt in Champaign and do wonderful Champaign things
-Visit Sista in the Field (this might be a twofer, and we might just both go to the Pain)
-Do something with my sole remaining friend from high school
-Do something with my parents
-Do something with my sister's family
-I'm thinking of having a movie marathon but am not quite sure what the logistics are yet
-Cleaning my place
-Trying to do something with Elaine or Hootie (they're friends, but I never do anything with them, and I don't want to never see them now that I'm going PT at the store). I might try to combine one or both of them with the movie marathon above.
-and, let's be honest with ourselves, I will probably play World of Warcraft till my eyes bleed.

deeeevil

Me: what's up?
Ryan: Not much, frustrated with more BS at work again today
Me: the devil agrees you should kill them all
Ryan: haha
Ryan: The devil has intriguing ideas, and I would like to subscribe to his newsletter