I had a crazy dream last night that I ruined Julie's life. I told her about it and she found it hilarious as I did (once I calmed down and realized it was a dream). She said she'd thought she was the only one having crazy wedding dreams.

Anyway, my dream was that for whatever reason, Julie's whole extended family had a pre-wedding retreat of some kind, for like family and the bridesmaids and Lothar. The whole time, Julie's mom was acting crazy controlling. I mean, her mom is kind of controlling in real life but in the dream she was seriously acting like Julie was too stupid to do anything by herself. She wouldn't even let Julie go outside without supervision.

Well, Julie's mom was really, really making me mad. So I just started to be a huge dick to her. No matter what she said, even when she was being nice or reasonable I argued with her, and cursed at her a bunch. I think I actually had to pee while I was having the dream, because I kept having to go. And in the dream, her mom would not let anyone be alone in the bathroom and it was driving me nuts, so finally I whizzed on the lawn. One of Julie's cousins caught me doing it. In the dream, her cousin was Denis Leary. And not like how you have a dream and a celebrity fills in for the person, he was actually Denis Leary and acted how Denis Leary would react upon finding out you peed on his aunt's lawn. Her other famous cousin: Tracy Morgan. He acted, as you would expect, extremely stupid the entire time.

Anyway, Julie's mom finally gets so angry that she says if I am the type of friend Julie picks out, she can't pick anyone out so she calls off the wedding and locks Julie up somewhere. I come in and Lothar and a few other people are bawling their eyes out and am like, "Why?" and they explain it to me. I feel so bad that I wake up. For a second I'm really upset, then I remember it's a dream, and then it's hilarious.

So awhile ago I decided I'm in the market for a pet. I'm kind of tired of living alone, none of the people I've offered a room to want to live with me, and I don't want to try a stranger. So: pet.

--I want a mammal. I think turtles and frogs are crazy cute but I want something I can pet.

--My first instinct: dog. I grew up with dogs and like dogs. But... we can't have dogs in the building because they make too much noise. And to be honest, I'm pretty lazy for a dog. I would need to have a fenced in yard before I could even consider having a dog because I'm too lazy to take one out all the time.

--Second instinct: hamster. Again, had a couple growing up. I love hamsters. They are crazy cute and if you're good at it (like I am) you can get them to fall asleep on you and you have a little buddy to cuddle with while you're reading a book or watching TV. And they're cheap and I still have a cage at my Dad's house I could get. But... they die really, really easily. 4 years is if your hamster is Methuselah, and I had one die in less than a year. Also an animal you have to keep in a cage is still like living alone, they never come to the door to greet you or anything. And if the hamster doesn't like you or is a dick it'll hide in a tube so that you can't get it out half the time.

So I've not really gotten an animal (I'll discuss the 3rd obvious option in a second).

Anyway, this weekend I was at a friend of a friend's house for the first time and they had a bunny rabbit. I fell in love. You can apparently train them to use the litter box like a cat and give them the run of the house (as long as you protect your electrical cords from them chewing on them first). The bunny was so cute, and way mellower than most dogs and cats I've met, but still friendly and coming over to be petted.

Now, I'm not going to run out and get a rabbit right now anyway. I am visiting my friend Ryan in Arizona in May and I also have a wedding I'm part of in May, so I think I should hold off till then. But I've been mentioning to people I'm thinking of getting a bunny. The weird thing is people immediately tell me to get a cat instead, at least two people even offered me free cats. Are bunnies actually lame and the one I met just the one good one?

Anyway, I have great memories of my neighbor's cat when I was growing up, she'd always come over and rub against my legs and let me pet her when I was outside waiting for the bus. I like the cat at Waiting Room records who will come over to get petted. If I could get a cat like that I'd do it. But... Josh's roommate has a crazy cat that constantly attacks people and breaks things. Rebecca's old roommate had a herd of cats that constantly peed on everything in the entire house. Pat & Deanna have a cat that is fun to play with but apparently tries to bite or run away if you want to pet it or cuddle. And I've known countless other cats I would describe as "snooty" that don't seem to like me or want to do anything at all with me. So it seems like the odds are low on getting a friendly cat and I hate Josh's roommate's cat so much it's taken away my urge to even gamble on a cat at all.

I don't know. I guess it's probably good I have the time period before the trip where I can think it over. I wish I could just steal the bunny I met this weekend or the cat from Waiting Room. But I hear it's illegal.

So I talked to Tina today. Here's one of the more memorable bits (I'm not going to tell you how we got to this point to begin with):

Tina: My friend Jason said anyone would lick someone's buttcrack for money if they were poor enough, but told him he was crazy. I'd live in the woods and eat squirrels and stuff before I licked a buttcrack. He said he'd still lick crack though because he likes his electronics.

Me: I don't know if I'm just lazier than you guys or whatever, but if I were that poor I would just go on welfare.

I really do think that would be the best solution, what else are my taxes for anyway? But I do think I subconsciously lifted the idea off of the Always Sunny episode where they go on unemployment, and when that runs out, they try to get on welfare. On the negative side, they had to get hooked on crack (the drug, not butts like Tina's friend Jason) to qualify for welfare, but on the positive side, the rest of the time they get to sit around on steps and drunkenly sing Biz Markie songs.

Annoying things:

--Today I called my eye doctor to pay for my contacts. It took 10 minutes and a transfer to 3 different depts. And then it was like $200 even after my insurance. Considering I thought this was going to be more like $30....

--A weekly project I enjoy doing at work might be taken away from me due to other people's arbitrary new rules and the incompetence of people who do the step before I do.

--Everyone's moving away again, it seems. Deanna & Pat might be moving (which I knew, as she has mentioned it on her blog) and apparently Julie & Lothar might be moving to GA, which I had no idea. I feel like kind of a dick, I haven't been keeping in touch with Julie a ton lately because I sleep all day due to the Paxil and she is obviously busy with wedding stuff, but I feel like I should know something big like that. I mean, I knew Lothar had to find a new job but I didn't know they were likely moving almost as far away as possible in this country, or even out of this town. I'm glad that she's selected me as a bridesmaid, and I'm working on a bitchin' wedding or bridal shower or bachelorette party gift for her right now that I know she'll love, but on the other hand I have to wonder why she picked me. I was the last to know she was dating him, the last to know she got engaged, and now the last to know that she's moving.

--Julia Roberts' face is wrong. Like, it's always been a weird looking face, but I have to wonder if she got really bad plastic surgery or something. My dad and I watched Duplicity today (medium goodness) and it's like she no longer has the vertical groove on her upper lip (called the philtrum click here for a disturbing illustration of a baby where the philtrum is pointed out) is gone, so her upper lip looks like an upside down lower lip. It's disturbing. I've heard fetal alcohol syndrome (her face IS freakishly flat too) can cause that, so maybe her mom drank when she was pregnant.

Good things:

--I hung out with a lady from work yesterday. Well a lady married to a dude I work with. I know her from our toastmaster meetings. I really like her, we sit together at most of the meetings. She's wheelchair/crutch bound and doesn't get out much, I guess, and suffers from depression like I do. Her and I were talking about hanging out sometime, but I never got around to it because I kept sleeping too much. Anyway, I finally managed to wake up early enough to do it and it was a good time. We played some card games I brought over (Monopoly Deal, Lost Cities). I find them interesting enough to hold my attention but yet simple enough that they're easy to explain (my parents are about her age and couldn't understand/didn't like Fluxx at all so I was afraid it would be hard to explain something complicated to her. I kind of wanted to bring Caesar & Cleopatra too, but it has cards mentioning "orgy," and she's pretty devout Christian). So we played for awhile and talked for awhile and it was good. She told me about a speech she was going to give at toastmasters that night and she didn't think she speaks very well, and I told her she was wrong. Then she was very awesome and won best speaker! It was good.

--I hung out with my dad today. I got some strawberries the other day (dunno if they still are, but they were on sale three containers for $5.00) and my dad loves strawberries, so I brought him some. We also had some frozen pizza, and saw the aforementioned movie.

--this is due to arrive at my house on Fri, Josh and I went halfsies on it. We like Carcassone: The Castle which is sort of a smaller two player version and we decided if we were going to get the real thing it would be cheaper to get everything at once. I can't wait! I mean, I hear a couple of the expansions are lame, but the game plus the two definitely good expansions actually cost more than all this in one.

--I talked to Josh today! He saw asian hipster lesbians at a white trash pizza buffet! I told him I can never eat alone at a restaurant because of the one time I tried it at Pizza Hut and the servers reacted surprised, then pitying when hearing I was eating alone and then saw a guy I had a crush on on the way out who did the same.

The interview was weird and intense... he asked a lot of questions regular interviewers don't, like how I've done in previous interviews and how I liked working in TV back in the day (it's on my resume). But I think I did pretty well, I've done like a thousand mock interviews lately so I'm a lot more confident in there. My old supervisor was a help with development, but this new one is definitely a lot more hands-on and involved, which I like.

This weekend I'll get to hang out with Josh, which is the first time in awhile. He's been going through a rough patch and likes to be alone in those situations.

Not much else going on this week... I've been sleeping all day again. Which certainly has not helped with the cleaning up of this place. But I shall soldier on.

Pills have been helping, so yay on that count.

Today sort of sucked, I had a lot of pooping issues all day. I hung out with some work people and had fun, but I had to cut it short because I was still not feeling good.

In other news, I have an interview on Mon. I don't even know if I want the job that badly, but I've prepared enough I would be annoyed not to get it at this point.

Couldn't go to work today, I was still crying and panicking pretty bad. And had my second weird bought of hypoglycemia in awhile. Anyway, I think I should be alright tomorrow.

If there was any doubt that I needed antidepressants, the last couple of weeks has certainly erased it. Everything I've been able to distance myself from the last few months because of them came pouring back. Which begs the question: will I ever be better? Will I always need a drug to feel alright. Will I always be the same loser locked up in a house full of garbage crying all day on my day off? Will that person always be lurking under the pleasant facade of antidepressants just waiting to get out? And what's more, is that person the real me and everything else I do from now on just a lie?

At any rate: yeah, couldn't stop crying all day. Awesome.

Good: My wiring's fine

Bad: I was an idiot not to know that in the first place.

Good: think my ipod might be working again? It froze and wouldn't even turn off, so I waited until the battery was dead and am charging it. It seems to work...

Bad: wiring still fucked up. But of course I haven't tried to fix it, I thought I'd wait until I'm on drugs again so it's less stressful

Good: I get my drugs tomorrow

Bad: Annoying situation with a dude at work. Dude is legally blind, and so can't drive himself home. I have occasionally in the past, and more and more frequently, given him a ride home, the bus doesn't run at night. It's somewhat of an inconvenience because he gets off later than I do and lives on the complete opposite side of town from me. All in all, it takes 45 minutes. But I do it anyway cause he can't help being blind.

Well, he's friends with a friend I have at work, and recently he's been a dick to her and it makes me mad. I don't really want to go out of my way to do a favor for a bastard. But I don't want him to be even more of a dick to her because he thinks she's badmouthing him to people. She's not badmouthing him, in fact I think I hate him more than she does at this point. I'm not going to go into the long backstory of why they fought and why he's a dick and she's not but this is my assessment.

Anyway today I did go ahead and drive him home, but another friend said I could just lie and say I have plans after work next time he asks, which I probably will do. It's just annoying to be in the middle of something like that (which, technically I'm not in the middle, my friend is actually so nice she thought it would be mean of me to stop giving him rides, but it's annoying to do favors for someone I now think is a jerk).

Good: Josh doesn't hate me and didn't actually mean it as a threat.

Bad: half the wiring in my house and my brand new Ipod I haven't even dropped yet are fucked up.

So, my story starts a couple months ago, when I spilled a bunch of my antidepressants in the toilet. I tried to skip one now and again to make up for it, but the end of my prescription is Weds and I have been trying to stretch the few I have longer by skipping some in between, but I basically have been off Paxil a week, which sucks.

What made it even worse is I had a friend, the only close friend I have anymore, threaten to end our entire friendship over one voicemail I left him complaining that he wanted to ditch me to drink alone that day, and asking him if he is mad at me. Apparently he wasn't, but is now.

After a few hours of crying I ended up going to my Dad's house so I didn't have to be alone with my thoughts anymore. It's nice to have one person in your life that's always glad to see you, and I wonder morbidly often when he's going to die and I won't ever have unconditional love ever again. I guess in the way of relatives I have my sister, but she doesn't really give a fuck either way. She doesn't even hate me or anything, we just aren't really anything to each other. I used to secretly want to make her children love me a lot so I'd have someone to visit me at the nursing home when I'm old, but I'm getting tired of trying to find ways to invite myself into their lives when I'm not particularly wanted. Anyway my dad and I ended up watching some of the Terminator movies, which was somewhat distracting, at least. I find big dumb action movies strangely comforting when I am sad.

Today I stupidly had a M & M McFlurry and my colon's making me pay for it. I should really know better by now.... every time I'm sad I eat more candy and then my colon explodes and then not only am I sad for the orig. thing, I'm also sad because I hurt really bad.

Now it's back to crying and pooping.

So Tina found this thing online that sort of makes art out of the most frequently used words on your blog (not of all time, just of what is displaying right now.


title="Wordle: http://phoexxor.blogspot.com"> src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/620474/http%3A--phoexxor.blogspot.com"
alt="Wordle: http://phoexxor.blogspot.com"
style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

As you can see, the above is mainly dominated by the rants I've had in the last two weeks about the wiener who keeps throwing away the mug I keep at my desk. I'm surprised and happy that the only "lewd" word that is big (i.e. used the most) is wiener, which I use to refer to the person in that story. Whereas stuff like fuck and asshole I use enough to be represented there, but thankfully not the biggest. Also, I feel bad for poor Connie at work who has to be below poop, and Anna has to be right next to whipped anus. As far as I can tell, no one else's name is in there.

So the wiener who sits at my desk at work (no, not me) has now complained to my supervisor about my mug, because of germs (once more, I must ask: is this fucking psycho so stupid that she's afraid of accidently forgetting whose mug it is and drinking out of it? This is the only way I can see germs being spread by it. Plus, she has nothing to fear if she did. I have a flu shot, I haven't gotten a cold all winter, and no one ever makes out with me so no danger of mono).

So I have actually been told by The Man that I must no longer keep a mug at my desk. I really, really hate this because not only is the childish person who throws away people's property and goes and cries to mommy when they can't get their way being rewarded, but it is an utter double standard because tons of other people get to keep mugs at their desk simply because they don't have a wiener sitting at it (again, not me).

I'm not mad at my supervisor at all, but I do kind of wish she'd told the wiener to fuck off, I think my previous supervisor would've (tactfully, of course). Anyway, I straight up told my sup that I was just going to keep my mug at Connie's desk from now on (I love Connie but it reminds me of the double standard again--the woman has 8 million things on her desk), since I already had been, since the wiener had been throwing away my property, and the sup didn't mind.

Actually, instead of keeping my mug elsewhere I had planned on bringing mug after mug in just to annoy the wiener, I have about one million mugs I've inherited from my older sister that I never use anyway because they're too small. But when Connie offered a win-win situation (i.e. I can basically keep my mug at the same place and the wiener won't freak out) I took the offer, because I AM NOT AN ASSHOLE UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE WHO SIT AT MY DESK.

Yesterday was pretty awesome. Anna had a birthday party. It's the first time I've seen her since August. We both like each other and find each other hilarious but are both too busy(her) lazy(me) to keep in touch.

Anyhoo, I had some limes left over from a pie I made from work, so I made the beautiful pie from the previous post. I think I actually like it better with just the lime, without all the whipped cream and strawberries, because it doesn't taste that limey this way, and I like strawberries better on their own too.

We had some fun with mad libs including one with all poop that produced the sentence, "when the leaves have lost all their feces, and the ground is covered with bloody snow diahrea," and another one where the theme was toys/dolls where a Catherine the Great doll required "thousands of dollars of suspenders" to operate.

I got to play Ninja Burger (awesome) and apparently I am really good at wii Mario party.

I also had pie and a ginormous slice of this really good chocolate cake with cherries in it. Unfortunately, my colon thought eating a few apples, a lot of pink lemonade, and two slices of dessert was a bad idea, because on the way home my colon senses started stabbing. I also got a migraine at the same time, and got to lay down the rest of the night hoping that my loud downstairs neighbor would shut the fuck up.

Yeah... I can't complain TOO much considering this guy is way better than the other people who lived down there, but he's been really loud the last two or three weeks. There's lots of bangs and shouting suddenly coming from down there, and I'm frequently treated to a loud nickelback concert. Hell, I don't know, maybe the place has changed hands a THIRD time, I saw a for sale sign out front awhile ago.