So, my story starts a couple months ago, when I spilled a bunch of my antidepressants in the toilet. I tried to skip one now and again to make up for it, but the end of my prescription is Weds and I have been trying to stretch the few I have longer by skipping some in between, but I basically have been off Paxil a week, which sucks.
What made it even worse is I had a friend, the only close friend I have anymore, threaten to end our entire friendship over one voicemail I left him complaining that he wanted to ditch me to drink alone that day, and asking him if he is mad at me. Apparently he wasn't, but is now.
After a few hours of crying I ended up going to my Dad's house so I didn't have to be alone with my thoughts anymore. It's nice to have one person in your life that's always glad to see you, and I wonder morbidly often when he's going to die and I won't ever have unconditional love ever again. I guess in the way of relatives I have my sister, but she doesn't really give a fuck either way. She doesn't even hate me or anything, we just aren't really anything to each other. I used to secretly want to make her children love me a lot so I'd have someone to visit me at the nursing home when I'm old, but I'm getting tired of trying to find ways to invite myself into their lives when I'm not particularly wanted. Anyway my dad and I ended up watching some of the Terminator movies, which was somewhat distracting, at least. I find big dumb action movies strangely comforting when I am sad.
Today I stupidly had a M & M McFlurry and my colon's making me pay for it. I should really know better by now.... every time I'm sad I eat more candy and then my colon explodes and then not only am I sad for the orig. thing, I'm also sad because I hurt really bad.
Now it's back to crying and pooping.
1 comments:
I didn't mean for it to come off as (or for you to take it as) a threat to end our friendship. I was just trying to emphasize how much I just needed to be alone, which is why I tried to hammer home how much this whole thing wasn't about you, and that more than anything, this was just an overwhelmingly bad week that took the cake in a lot of ways and made me lose 2 of my 4 closest friends because they don't know how to look out for their friends and not be bastards. I realize you probably thought the same thing about me now over the course of this past weekend, but really, I needed some selfish time because it seemed like everybody else had been so busy deciding my life for me without me even knowing it. Also from a common sense standpoint, my mood has been so miserable for the past 4-5 days that it would not have been a fun time to hang out with me anyway, even if the time of just hanging out (in theory) is a good one.
So no, I'm not mad at you, and no, I didn't want to end the friendship, but I'm angry as shit and hating the world again and sometimes that requires an admittedly larger than normal amount of patience from those I still hold close to me, like you and Jason. So thank you if you can have that patience, and if not, we'll catch back up when I'm normal again. Either way, you and I are still good as far as I'm concerned.
Hope you feel better soon in all arenas.
J.
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