See

This is why I fucking want the doctor to see me sooner. So I'm not up at 4:45 a.m. crying my eyes out and wanting to crawl in a hole somewhere and die.

Ugh

Got the blood taken today. The lady was pretty good, got it in one try.

My follow up appointment? Nov 12th. What the fuck, man? I feel like I'm going crazy and will finally crack at any second. And the soonest I can see someone is Nov 12th? When I scheduled the 1st appt. with Dr. Crow they got me in in less than a week, but now I have to wait over 2 for a follow up?

They orig. wanted me to wait till the 22nd to see Kaminski, who is nominally "my doctor." But I haven't seen her since '05 and I don't like her anyway. I complained until they finally scheduled me with Dr. Vales, who actually was my doctor back when I was a little kid (he left for an HMO years ago and then came back, I guess). I still hate waiting, but at least I have confidence in this guy. 1) my mom LOVED him, and she normally hates doctors. He was like the only doctor out of a gazillion doctors who knew what was going on with this lung problem my sister had when she was little. 2) As far as I remember him, he actually knows his shit and is NICE, unlike most of the doctors I see who seem to hate life and their patients. Unless he was just nice to me because I was a kid, or the last 15 years has made him as bitter as the rest of them. I'm thinking of asking him to change me to being his patient when I'm there, unless his load is too full.

PS it is also getting to be that wonderful time of year when the skin from my lips is constantly disgustingly molting as if I am a snake or bird.

What's been going on with me this week

The main thing:

I take it from your lack of response to anything I've emailed you since that one AIM conversation that you never want to talk to me again. I guess this email is basically to confirm if that's true or not so that I stop any stupid stupid hoping that just hurts more in the long run.

I've just worked 11 days straight, and 4 of those days were working 2 jobs, sometimes for 15 hours. I can't give this email the attention it deserves or deal with it rationally right now because I am just stretched too thin, and I still have to work tomorrow. But I didn't want to not respond.

Give me some time to sleep and recuperate and I'll be able to put together a coherent response.

While I'm doing that, I'm going to ask you to please think about what you want from me. I've asked you several times, and you've never been able to give me a real response. Think about it, and possibly tell me about it so that I can truly answer you to the best of my ability.

What I want from you is to be friends again. I know it's unrealistic to want to be as close as we were when we worked together and lived near each other, but I wish we could still be friends like we were the first few months after you moved.

I'm sorry, I do know I was crappy the last time we talked. I was being passive agressive. I didn't want to let you know that I was mad at you, because I thought that would drive you even farther away. But I couldn't let it go either.

And there, I said it, I was angry at you. I mean, I'm angry at the entire world right now, I don't even think I'm right in the head, I have a doctor's appointment next week to see if I should go on antidpressants or something. At least twice a week I'll end up sobbing nonstop for an hour, usually out of nowhere. Nearly every day I cry a little. And it's not just about my mom. And it was in that state of mind that I emailed you the other night, though I did truly believe you decided you had written me off for good and at least wanted a sense of finality about it.

But yeah, I am angry at you specifically too, because I really genuinely tried to stay in touch with you, and you didn't seem to care. And then when I asked if you were angry at me or something, you got so defensive about it that I didn't want to go into detail about why I thought you were avoiding me or not trying to keep in touch and make you actually angry at me.

You don't seem to think I logically deserve to be angry about this, because you're very busy and had your own problems for part of this period. And I guess I didn't think I logically deserved to be angry about this, because I didn't come out and actually say it to you.

I guess that is kind of abrupt but I couldn't really think of any good ending for this.

ok, I read this and am thinking about it, but I just got home from day 12 and I will be sleeping a lot for the next few days.

I know you want to be friends "again" but what I specifically meant is: what do you expect from me as your friend who lives 50 miles away?

the only thing I know, and the only way I've felt about all of our interactions since going to see TMBG is that you feel like I'm not doing/trying/being enough for you. And I don't know what will make you happy as far as being your friend goes. So tell me what you want from me, and I'll be better able to understand if I'm able to provide that at this point in my life.

I'm sorry you're feeling horrible. I wish I could be more helpful right now. It sounds like going to see someone to get help is a good idea.

I owe you an apology. My behavior to you lately has not been the best, and though my motivation was to not cause you any undue harm, apparently I've hurt you, and for that I'm sorry.
You're right; I have been avoiding you lately, for a multitude of reasons. The honest fact is that I've been trying to distance myself from you for quite a while. So many difficult things have come into your life recently that I couldn't bear the thought of kicking you while you were down. Since I saw first hand how you reacted to first Nicole, then Drew, Tom & Scott's moves from the area, I figured that
you would eventually let me go, the way you did them, once I followed in their footsteps. I wasn't trying to be hurtful or uncaring; in fact, I thought it would be the least painful way to do this. I'm sorry that my handling of the situation actually caused you more pain. From your email, it sounds as though you wish things could go back to the way they were, and I understand that. But in my life, I can only go forward, and I don't think we can be to each other again what we were before. From your behavior towards me, it seems as if I can't move backwards, you'll only continue to be unhappy and dissatisfied with our friendship. It seems from my perspective that there is no way I can be the friend you want and need right now.

Yeah, I guess I just don't really get why you had to draw it out a year and a half, you could've just made it a clean break and said "I'm too busy for you," right after you moved instead of first giving me the impression we could stay friends for a few months, then purposefully doing the painful slow drift off. And the reason I'm more upset with you than them is 1) I was way closer to you than them (I thought I was, anyway) and 2) obviously I am way more fucked up and sad than I was. But it's not like I can make you do something you don't want to (continue to be any sort of friend to me), and even if I could it would be fake and not what I wanted anyway.

Well it wasn't a forgone decision that just because I was moving we wouldn't be friends anymore. I was interested in trying to stay friends, and hoped we could. But some things happened to me, and other things happened to you, and our interactions weren't as enjoyable anymore. Once I realized that, I thought that by drifting off, I'd save us both the harsh pain of a direct slap, and that maybe we could stay friendly at a distance. I wish that had been possible, but apparently it isn't.

I am glad to hear you're seeking help, and I really do hope for the best for you.

I guess what bothers me most is that I don't even know what I did to make you despise me enough to systematically cut me out of your life like that. I've been racking my brain over and over, and it's driving me crazy. If you tell me, I swear to god I will let it drop and stop bothering you even if it is something I'd normally argue over.

it's not any one thing that you did or didn't do. Moving away geographically always puts relationships under strain, and what's more, it gave me a different perspective on things than what I had in B-N. I'm glad we met and knew each other, and I had a lot of good times with you... but life has changed us both as people, and at this
point in time, from this distance, it's clear to me that I can't be what you need in a friend, and I'm not willing to keep trying only to fail.

I'm sorry that I can't give you any more help or reason than that.

So yeah, I've been crying a lot this week. She really was a close friend, and I still don't understand it. She freely admits that she has purposefully cut me out of her life, and won't tell me why. She turns it around at the end and tries to act like she is too busy to be a good friend, but 1) that completely contridicts an earlier bit, and 2) I've had people do the accidental drift off to me enough times in my life (sadness) to know when it is natural or on purpose. I wish I knew what I did. Well what I really wish is she was still my friend (in any capacity, I don't get this all or nothing stuff). What I really really wish was that I wasn't crazy or that this last fucking six months hadn't happened. But the wanting an explanation part seems to be the most sane of those wishes.

Today was my visit with the doctor. It took about 2 hours of which only maybe 10 minutes was spent actually getting diagnosed or anything. 20 minutes was spent naked in a freezing cold room freaking out. I felt trapped.... being naked, I couldn't really stick my head out into the hall and find out why no one was coming to look at me. And I felt like I couldn't try to put my clothes on or anything to get warm, because that's when they'd finally come in, and they'd insist on leaving again for 20 min while I took them off and the cycle would begin anew.

The doctor says he thinks it's depression but he is concerned about my slow reflexes, slow talking, and limp hair. Don't ask me what the hell that's supposed to mean. Anyway there's a possibility it could be something with my thyroid, which can cause serious depression among other things (such as slow talking and limp hair?) So he needs to get some bloodwork. And of course I didn't drink anything so my already hellish veins were dehydrated so they couldn't get any blood. So I have to go back tomorrow for them to take blood. And I have to go back again in like a week or two after they've looked at it and spend a bunch more money and another fucking two hours to tell me if I have thyroid disease or depression.

I also sort of hope I have depression instead of thyroid disease, because my mom was treated for thyroid disease for years and years and it was a pain in the ass. She needed blood taken every three months. Plus, the things treating it was supposed to help her with (having more energy, being less depressed) never got any better.

Tina's take on my dr's appointment:
"you could have seen a whore, paid less, had more fun and actually had a reason to get some blood work done"

Earlier in the week, I hung out with Josh, which was nice. He's been Tivoing shows so we can watch them together. We watched some new Sarah Silverman and chilled most of a day, and also went to an overpriced (but fun) game shop in Peoria and he bought me some Taco Bell.

I hung out at casa de Lothar with the aforementioned Lothar and Julie for the first time since July or August, and had fun. We had an interesting conversation RE: testes, and had some good food, but we mostly played rock band.

I created an albino dude with hair and a bandana a la rambo, we've decided he's a crazy vietnam vet with "night terrors." I picked the pants that most effectively show off his package, and gave him homeless man shoes. He has pink star dangly earings, no shirt, and a chest with a huge tattoo of a bird or llama or something. The best part is the new rock band has masks, and I was able to give him a pig mask. I matched it to his skin tone so it looks like his face, and I covered the bottom half of his face with the flag of the USSR. The best part is watching him while Fortunate Son is playing, because he acts very sassy. Also, when we played that song there was a stand in (there was no 4th player in the band so the game substitutes a random char I guess) who looked like Freddie Mercury and stared into the "camera" with hilarious cold dead eyes while singing back up to the sassy pig man.

That day I hung out with Josh/Julie & Lothar (Saturday) is probably the only good day I've had this week. The weds before that I was kind of happy I passed a test, but it quickly went away in favor of wallowing in my sadness as I spend most of my days.

Dedicated to my friend Ryan who has leprosy in his finger but is not actually a redneck. He has a tricorn hat.



Dedicated to my friend Tina who came up with the concept of "leper whores" and people who look like fingerers.

wow...

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I should proof my emails that zip is 60601-5099. Sorry about that! (can't spell administer either I see). Love-Dad

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meh

Today: good & bad.

From a physical pain standpoint, today was hell. I woke up, and ignorred, a headache which decided to turn into a migraine. I ended up having to lay down in my bathroom (in the darkest area of house) and take some drugs to banish it.

Then, right before work, of course, my colon decided to hurt really badly, and it kept doing so until.... well, it still hurts. I mean... I can't compare it to a lot of types of injury, but colon pain hurts so bad. I feel like my whole body hurts when it's that intense, even up to my face and down to my toes. And in the center is a black hole trying to kill me. Now obviously I haven't felt THAT bad this whole time, but I've felt that bad in bursts this whole time, and in lesser pain in between. I guess it serves me right--I can't skip work because of it... cause I skipped work yesterday for no reason. I think it's also a reaction to overeating (esp. cheese) last night.

The goodness: I actually did not have to take a single call today. This is the first (and probably last) time, but it is what enabled me to cope with work while in pain. 2 hours of it were a team meeting we actually held at Buffalo Wild Wings. Because of the digestive issues, I obviously couldn't eat much (why do these things always happen when I am about to have free food?) but I did manage to suck down a nonalcoholic margarita and about half an order of fries without making anything worse. And of course--two hours of not being at work but still being paid is always swell.

Then, the pivot report normally takes 1/3 to 1/2 of a shift. They've been behind in giving me the numbers by 1 week lately, but they finally caught up so I had 2 to do. I didn't even finish the 2nd one so I have more time off the phone tomorrow! So it was a really awesome workday, though I wish my colon would've let up so I could enjoy it even more.

In non work news, I submitted a resume for a job at a library (I will probably not get it, but trying is something, right?) and stopped at Meijer for some orange juice, advil, and a flu shot. I feel like I got out of the house and actually did something (however minor) for once. So that's good too.

Time to poop.

This is lame... I'm only even sharing it because it's the first I've made in months. What I really wanted to do is have a picture of a pile of dead babies with a sign saying "Pottersville" next to it, but I did not have the drawing expertise. When I stupidly looked up photos to try to see if there was anything to use (I was thinking dolls piled up in a comical manner) I found actual dead babies and felt bad for joking about it all the time.

Anyway, here you go:

dammit

I hate my job so, so much. But yet I continually sabotage my chances of getting the hell out of there.

Seriously: I missed work today. Because I was crying. Some of it was stuff I mentioned in the previous post, and the other bit was I kept thinking, "I can't stand it if someone is mean to me today. I will just totally flip and go crazy." Which... there are 100% odds someone will be mean to me at work. I have better and worse days, but there is always someone. And I just kept thinking of it and couldn't make myself do it. I already have too many absences...

I couldn't really calm down again until A) I called in and told them I couldn't come to work and B) I talked to Tina on the phone for awhile. So yep, that's my awesome story today.

I probably need to just quit and go back to retail or something. But the economy's poop... even if I get a job now it would likely evaporate after the Christmas rush, given this economy. Every time I calm down from a freakout like this (yes, I have them all the time about my stupid fucking job but usually not as bad) I try to convince myself that I'm going to get promoted, and it's a colossal waste if I quit now. But then I freak out again later.

So...

The water in my place is fixed, I guess some gunk got clogged in that little screen over the end of the faucet. After seeing it, I questioned my usual habit of drinking tap water instead of bottled water most of the time. Dunno.

I can't seem to rouse myself into doing anything lately other than going to work, studying insurance education (bleh) and the occaisional outing with Dad or Josh. I feel like time is slipping through the hourglass and I'm totally wasting it. I can't remember what I did today, or the day before, or the day before that. Ten years from now I'm going to look back on my life and wonder what I did with that time and the answer's going to be "lying on the couch." I mean... already I've wasted so much of my life, so I guess I'm just adding to it. But I don't know what I SHOULD be doing, career-wise, and in my free time I just don't have the energy for twisting people's arms into hanging out with me or even figuring out something interesting to do on my own.

I dunno why I decided to post this, I don't want people to pity me or anything. I just can't figure out what it is.

So I got my second obscene call ever tonight. The first one was someone calling and instantly getting into the pervy stuff, whereupon I hung up on him. This guy actually conducted business, and then randomly at the end tacked on, "You sound like you have a good mouth. I bet you you would be great at sucking my dick."

You know, with the last one I tried to make fun of it. I try to be a tough "nothing gets to me," sort of person about this sort of thing. But seriously--not cool. I know this guy doesn't know me and could never find me, but it's creepy as fucking hell. Cause you get to thinking: if this person is fucked up enough to SAY that sort of thing to a person, couldn't he be fucked up enough to be a rapist, or worse? And it gets you to thinking that even if he can't find you, there have to be others like him, and then you're creeped out about rapists and serial killers at every turn. And yeah--thankfully he didn't use the word in reference to me, but he did use the word "rape," during the course of the call, i.e. "I'm going to rape your company for all it's worth." People are horrible, horrible, horrible.

In not horrible news, here is some pumpkin action. I am torn as to whether or not mine (the Joker) is the best. Like... some of our stuff looks really cruddy up close compared to other people's stuff, but on the other hand you could tell we didn't take shortcuts like other people (they pasted on pictures of faces, used little cars and trucks, etc, whereas we made the faces and cars and houses ourselves). Still... there are probably some similar to ours that are better, we had to take some shortcuts at the end (such as that weird bright purple arm), and less of our team really cared than some of the other teams. But overall, I'm proud of our work. As you can probably tell, I did the sign. I also did the torso. I helped out with a lot of other stuff. I particularly like the bat signal as well. It was my idea, but Jared executed it a helluva lot better than I would've.

Oh and this makes more sense when you realize they pushed us to have them be somewhat work related and have our company's logo somewhere on there, and randomly include a toy they gave us (ours is a phone). It bums me out because I think there was more creativity last year, but this year a lot of them are stupid work-related things. I DO love the hamburger helper's reference to the intersections campaign, though. It is brilliant. (though, to date, my favorite mocking of that is my own saying, "Where jerking off meets your downstairs window... yeah, I'm there.") These aren't all of them, just the best ones.

Anyway, here are the pumpkins:















Close ups of joker:

I wonder if I really do need to be on antidepressants. Lately I've taken up crying for no reason. I mean it, absolutey no reason. I find it a disturbing departure from previously, when I was crying a lot but I did have a reason. I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm PMSing or something, but I've never really been a mood-swinging menstruater in the past. I think my periods are actually getting worse lately though, so I don't know.

Work is alright the last couple days, we've been working hard core on the pumpkin, I'll get pictures soon and post them on here. I'm pretty proud of the parts that I did, and feel I've bonded with some of my team mates. As a whole, I think it kicks ass, though there are probably a few things I would've done differently in retrospect. For instance: we started on a lot of the less-important things first, then had to really rush on the more important things. Second, I wish my team members had pitched in a little more, supplies-wise, because 90% of our supplies were things we had to scrounge from around the office. It was lean pickin's, I'll tell you that. I mean, I paid about $6 for cloth and green hairspray and brought in paintbrushes, Connie spent $5 on a wig and had a lot of paint laying around she wasn't using (long story). We stole construction paper. But we had no glue to put any of this together, and no modeling clay (which is what we orig. were going to use for the face). Still, I think ours is the best of the ones out so far! We put in a lot more detail and things we didn't really need to have in there.

I'm kind of bummed: a string of christmas lights I keep in the living room is half out. They're the blue ones Josh gave me last year as a "just because" present, which makes me really sad they're already broken. Why couldn't it be one of the strings I bought myself? I tried replacing a bulb or two but it didn't help. I tried to replace the fuses, but I couldn't get the old ones out. Bleh.

Lastly, but not leastly, I bring you a movie I stumbled upon on Netflix, though I can lift my head up high and say I did manage to resist watching it. Doggy Poo, an actual children's movie that, I kid you not, has an anthromorphic piece of dog shit as the protagonist.

Spam

So today I had spam, thus satisfying the weird white trash part of me that craves it like once a year. It reminds me of Julie's saying that most cravings are because the body is trying to tell you it needs something in that food. So apparently once a year I need a buttload of salt, because that is basically what Spam tastes like and is primarily made up of. Spam is short for "spiced ham" but I don't know where they get that, it should be Sasa, "salt salt."

today

90% of work was boringness as usual, though there were two extra bad ones.

One of them was not even my call, the girl next to me got it. Apparently this guy was a bastard. Now, I guess I think most people who call in are bastards, but this guy takes the cake. He started cursing at her, and saying misogynist things like saying she must be blonde, and, after he got her crying, saying "oh, I made you cry like a little girl? Well I'm glad! I want to make you cry more!" And he was insane and retarded, he'd ask for something and then not let her actually do it. I.E. he originally called in for a quote, but he wouldn't give her his zip code so she could find an agent in the area to give him the quote. He eventually asked her to get him a manager, but wouldn't let her put him on hold so she could get a manager.

She did finally hang up on him, but it was after a good long while of abuse. People kept telling her afterwards, "if I got the call..." and saying things they would've said or did to the man. Which... I dunno, it's great if you're able to think on your feet like that or aren't worried you'll get in trouble, but they were all unrealistic solutions. What I personally would've done was hung up on him, because they have told us we can hang up on people like that. It wouldn't teach him a lesson or keep him from calling back, but it would save me a little grief. I told her that, not in the "if it were me" format like everyone else, but just told her to remember we have the right to hang up on assholes like that.

My own problem is I get assholes not quite far enough over the line that I could hang up on them, which is a pity. As for all sorts of mean people who call in: I really wish I knew what your problem is, that you can just yell at someone for no reason and still feel good about yourselves so that I can go to your house and see if I can fix that problem with a sledgehammer to your face.

My bad call of the day was this crazy asshole. He called up wanting the corporate address. Now.... that address is useless, if I wanted to help this guy I would probably ask probing questions to find out dept he really needs, but I could tell right away he was a dipshit. So anyway I try to give it to him, but he gets angry that my voice is loud and hangs up on me. Which, btw, my voice IS loud in person. But I've taken thousands of calls, many of them with people who feel completely free criticizing my voice to me, and no one else has said that before, and some have even said I'm not loud enough. So I know this guy is just retarded and has his phone on too loud.

Well... lucky me: the 1/200 chance of getting someone the second time they call in happened, and I got him again. So I give him the address, and the name of our CEO which he asked for. I hope he'll go away but then he starts wanting to tell me about his situation. Which, it was claims related and I tried to get him to let me send a message to claims, but he wants to tell me this info personally because he already spoke with claims. Again, I don't act like I normally do, I BLUNTLY tell him (usually I'd say the same thing but with more finesse but I know this guy won't understand finesse) that telling me doesn't do anything, I'm not related in any way to his claim and the information he gives me personally will go nowhere. But he still keeps trying to tell me. His story is liberally peppered with, "You know what I'm sayin'" so finally every time he says it I start saying, "No, I told you, I DON'T know what you're saying, I have no training in claims, I would have no idea why they made a specific judgement, to find out you would actually need to speak to THEM." Finally, he busts out the word "fraud," which anyone who says fraud is immediately given to a supervisor and he's finally off my hands. What a great way to end the night.

disturbing

So I noticed last night and today that my place smells somewhat like industrial fumes. Like spraypaint, hairspray, or nail polish or something. I think I would be less worried if I knew where it was coming from, but I'm not sure.

In addition: the water pressure in my bathroom sink is down to dripping, basically. I had a similar problem (reduced water pressure, to a lesser degree) in my kitchen awhile ago and it just went away on it's own, so I was hoping this would. But it's not so I guess I'm going to talk to a plumber or something. All I know is it's annoying as hell when you don't even have enough water to rinse your toothbrush at night. But the shower, right there, works fine.

It's kind of annoying that it always seems like there's something I have to be doing to this place. Like... my ghetto old place I only ever had like 2 problems the entire time I lived there, whereas nice new place, always something busted.

Other stuff: work is okay. I mean, I still hate the actual work part of work, but we've had a lot of decent extracurricular stuff, so to speak. I was really worried about this basket thing I helped put together for my team to auction off and give the proceeds to United Way, but in the end Connie (the other person who worked on it) and I prevailed! It is nice and getting decent bids. We're working on decorating a pumpkin to look like Joker from Dark Knight, and I'm hoping it'll look awesome. We get to have a team meeting at Buffalo Wild Wings soon (2 hours off the phone, free food).

bleh

Today, summarized:

I eat something.
My stomach starts to bubble & make noises in the manner of a mad scientist's beaker or test tube.
I feel pain.
I poop water.
Repeat.

The longer version: I don't know what's up with that, maybe it's a cheese thing. It seems like I can tolerate less and less cheese, which makes me angry at the world.

My right ear has water in it or something. Like, I don't know how most people are, but whenever I swim I used to put these alcohol drops in my ear so they would dry out and not have water inside to give me an ear infection. It was like a religion in our family, we all had to do it. When I didn't, I could hear water in my ear for awhile. I sometimes got that from a shower too, but not for a long time. But I guess today I do. I don't really want to have to go out and find the right type of alcohol, though. Plus, it hurts like hell. Like... not for regular people, my sis and mom never had problems with it hurting. But if you are constantly either scratching an itch the inside of your ear or trying to pick out wax, like my dad and I, it is irritated in there and pouring alcohol on it stings really really bad.

Work was alright. We're working on this pumpkin decorating thing. I have sadly self-appointed myself to finding a joker wig, and or hair dye to put on it. Why couldn't I have just gotten one of the easy or more plentiful things? Then I also had toastmasters, which is always fun. I was general evaluator, and kind of fucked it up, but everyone was cool about it. I'm thinking of being toastmaster again or finally finally finally giving a second speech. I'm also being a vote counter or something in our district contest. The actual work part of work: as lame as usual, but oh well.

I guess the good thing is not today, but yesterday, when Josh let me know things are still cool and when he went yesterday it was because he really did want to be alone and it had nothing to do with me. Also, tomorrow should be good, because it's my day off and Julie and I are going to see a movie!

So I didn't show up to that job interview, which is retarded. Yeah, I don't want that job in and of itself that bad, but I do so very much want to get out of where I am right now. I just had some sort of retarded panic attack and couldn't make myself do it. I'm going to have the same awful job I have now forever until I go crazy or die and I have no one else to blame but my stupid self. I mean I've made TONS of bad decisions that led me here, but fucking not even going to an interview you have set up is probably the most blindingly obvious one.

Then I felt like shit and all depressed, and Josh felt like shit and all depressed about his own problems, and we felt crappy about each others problems and he left earlier than he planned, and wouldn't let me drive him home like we had originally planned. He says it's not about me, but I worry.

Also I bought an electric mixer and my meringue still is shitty.

bleh....

I feel like my self esteem is at an all time low.

Today I had a ton of customers just fucking hang up on me while I'm in the middle of a fucking sentence. While I'm trying to fucking explain something to their ungrateful asses. Total fucking assholes... I mean once in awhile I will get someone who does it, but I just got a bunch of them tonight.

Then I went home and made the shittiest lemon meringue pie ever. I don't know why, but I think since I've been baking my self esteem has sort of gotten caught up in it. Like, "look, here's something I'm actually good at!" but now I've failed for the first time since I really got into it and I feel like crap. Especially since I was making it for Josh, he really likes meringue and the whole time I've been planning to make this I was thinking of how much he would like it.

Then I also feel crappy because I cleaned the hell out of this place on Weds and now, thanks to the baking, it's already dirty again. It looks like I didn't even give a shit someone was visiting and I didn't care to make it nice for him. But I did. And I really don't have the energy to re-clean.

I have a stupid interview tomorrow for a job I don't want and likely will not get. I don't really feel like waking up early and blowing smoke up these people's asses.

Crap crap crap I feel like crap.

Yay!

Tina sent me the beautiful Hasselhof gif on the right to creep people out (and to replace that old, old Indiana Jones ad). While I was at it, I decided to add 2 other things in the sidebar I've been enjoying lately: Adagio tea and that Ben Folds guy I can't shut up about.

I'm pretty much in heaven right now, staring at creepy David Hasselhof, listening to Ben Folds, and drinking delicious mango tea.

Effingham

phoemeister (4:16:15 PM): I also found out the effington song is totally wrong.... I kept wanting to say "effingham" instead of "effington" because I thought the town was effingham, and I looked it up and I was right, there is no effington
GOWALLSGO (4:21:11 PM): either one would have made sense though
phoemeister (4:21:38 PM): yeah I dunno if he just didn't like the sound of effingham as much, or if he just forgot it was effingham
GOWALLSGO (4:21:53 PM): maybe he didn't want someone to think of suing him
phoemeister (4:22:32 PM): haha maybe... the song is pretty much about fuckin'
phoemeister (4:22:48 PM): but I mean lots of towns have songs saying they suck I think. And this isn't even saying that, per se
GOWALLSGO (4:24:20 PM): maybe he made up effington because it's like compton but it begins with effing which is slang for sex
phoemeister (4:24:35 PM): haha I don't know
phoemeister (4:24:46 PM): I mean the effing is why he liked the town name I think
phoemeister (4:25:05 PM): because the song is stuff like, "are they effing in their cars? effing in the fields? efffing in their homes? in effington?"
GOWALLSGO (4:25:07 PM): but if he used the actual town, effingham, it's boinking pigs which is no fun
phoemeister (4:25:15 PM): hahah yeah I thought of that too

well, well, well

My dad just gave me cortaid (anti-itch ointment for bug bites) that expired the year I graduated from high school.

OH MY GOD

I can die now.

One of my favorite musical artists, Sufjan Stevens, wrote 2 albums about my state. My town is mentioned in one of them.

One of my favorite writers, Neil Gaiman, wrote a book that partly takes place in my state. My town is mentioned in it.

And now, now, my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE MUSICIAN, Ben Folds, has an album named after my town. There is a song, partly about a town in this area called Effington (and named Effington) but also about my town. And it's an awesome song! I actually forgot--I have heard it before! The last time he stopped here he sang it as one of his off the cuff improvised songs he often does. I'm so glad my town somewhat inspired art (granted, it's for the annoying thing of joking about Normal, but he does it in a new way and is more making fun of Effington's name).


If there's a god,
he's laughing at us
And our football team.

Effington could be a wonderful f'ing place
I can see it from the highway
And I'm wondering
Are they f'ing in their yards
f'ing in their cars
f'ing in the trailers and the backroads and the parking lots of Effington
Making my way to Normal, Illinois.

Maybe I should ditch this little white rental on the interstate
And start a new f'ing life...in effington
I could change my name, grow a beard, start a family
Or I could just keep moving on, moving on, moving on, moving on
Not stop 'til I get to Normal.

I want to live in Effington
I want to die there too.
Please bury me in Effington
In Effington
In Effington
Oh

I've got this movie in my mind of Effington
And the soundtrack to it sounds like this

(when he did it live he did sort of a porno-sounding riff there, but in the DVD it is not porno-y).

And then the people who live in Normal
Can buy the movies that I'll make in Effinghton
That's what normal people do
Normal people do it too
Normal people do it too

Now why he isn't stopping here on the support tour, I will never know.