Did I make you cry on christmas day?

Today I was just in a horrible mood, I don't even really know why.

The one irritating thing RE: work was that they're hiring temps to do some of my work, and got mad at me when I wasn't overjoyed. The thing is, I don't think temps can do what they want to have the temps do. Regular people who work at the store can't even get any of this stuff right when I try to delegate it. So I don't really think some temp can do it either. Their point is that this is all the temps are going to be doing, so they don't have as many distractions as the regular people.

I thought about it later, and I realized the real reason it pisses me off is because it's basically taking the part about the job I enjoy the most anymore, the part where I'm off the floor and don't have to deal with customers, and giving it to some random people who have obviously not paid their dues doing the shitty part of the job (registers). Plus this frees me up to do more of the shitty part. They say it will give me more time to do what I need to do, but I know the store, and I know they will just throw me on registers for the time they're saving. What I really need help with is someone to do the unsticker list, and maybe GLS. Or for them to just pull me off fucking registers long enough to do what I need to do. Not this.

Anyway, I was cranky even before that. I don't know if it's the weather or what. I'm not really having colitis issues right now, which is usually the reason when the hate is strong in me. I was talking to Getz, she said she could sort of tell I was down. I agreed with her that I was, but couldn't even really pinpoint a reason to give her.

But the end of my day was actually pretty good. I'm a lot happier at this moment. The day was saved, just to let you know, by a carnie I met on the internet. True story.

I would play "can you drag yourself 200 miles with just your fingernails?"

So I'm super-pumped about my Christmas decorations. I've been lukewarm, at best, about Christmas for years now (and retail made me REALLY hate it), but having my own place makes decorating fun. I finally found a use for my serial-killer-like obsession with cutting snowflakes, and hung them aroudn the room. I'm a little annoyed that they aren't all flat, so they are curled up weird, but other than that they are pretty cool. Thanks to having the OCD where I do it all the time, mine are pretty intricate and it looks unique and intentional rather than not having the cash for real decorations (it's a mixture of both).

I also got some christmas lights, they are ALL GREEN. I can't even tell you how cool I find this. I like them because they are more rare and flashier than white lights, but not quite as gaudy (and also more rare than) multicolors.

The only fly in my ointment was I was going to put up this little christmas tree I've had ever since I was little, but I can't find the ornaments for it. It especially makes me feel bad because the ornaments have sentimental value for me, my grandparents got them for me every year from McDonalds, they're all disney characters. Cheap tie in merchandise, but they meant something to me.

As for what I did with my day: spent most of it at my parents. I've been feeling bad that they are kind of my last choice to do things with (not because I hate being around them, I actually like them a lot more since I moved out. Just because... well I do end up seeing them a lot) and will be vague about plans with them because I don't want to tie up my schedule if I think a friend will possibly want to do something that day. I realized that's kind of stupid, especially since none of my friends have really even wanted to hang out lately (none of them ever offer, and when I call them up to do something it's like pulling teeth to arrange it), so I've been like, "what the hell" and spending all my time with the parents lately. If nothing else, they're always glad to see me.

They also bought me stuff, which is always nice.

Then I also did, weirdly enough, manage to rope the DN's into something after all, though it kind of meant eating dinner twice. It was fun hearing about frosty the snow pimp and collectively deciding that Papa John personally porks all the pizza dough before the delicious finished product makes it to your doorstep.

Then I finally watched Serenity, which I bought for five bucks the other day. Five bucks!

That was my day off.

your eyelids keep secrets

Me: and then I cry
Ryan: true :\
Me: but every time a Phoexx0r cries, and angel gets it's wings
Me: haha oh my gosh
Me: I can't remember exactluy what I used it for the other day but I did that same joke
Ryan: haha nice
Me: I think it was "every time Phoexx0r does your mom" though
Ryan: haha that's pretty close
Ryan: because Phoexx0r does cry after doing your mom
Me: HAHA
Me: I think it's good I have a poor relationship with my mother
Me: because they've declared open season on her at work
Me: like the last few days it's been a joke about Phoexx0r's mom extravaganza
Ryan: the mom jokes are flying, eh?
Ryan: I think you brought that on yourself though
Me: yeah
Ryan: you've claimed to have relations with just about everyone's mom
Me: haha sideways
Ryan: exactly
Me: it is pretty funny though
Me: becauwse I'll be like where's my clipboard
Me: "I put it in your mother."
Me: "that's where I keep most things"
Ryan: haha
Me: or I said "I concur" about something the other day
Me: and someone was like, "I concur your mother"

beep boop

Work was fairly decent. I got caught up on a lot of stuff.

I had an amusing conversation RE: devil women that I wanted to post because it made me laugh.

Thug: Get out of my head, Devil woman!
Me: What's that from? (it sounded like he was quoting something)
Thug: It comes from me! Actually, one of my funnier break-ups.
Me: Wow. I wish I could have funny breakups. But I can't land a dude to begin with to then break up with funnily. I guess all I have to offer is funny lonliness.

Anyway it made me laugh. But then I was thinking about it afterwards, and I am wondering if I am becoming creepy/pathetic like ponytail geek (was), always finding a way to bring up how lonely and pathetic I am. Seriously, I know my jokes about it are funnier than his, but still it's probably uncomfortable if I'm doing it constantly. Am I doing it constantly?

I really am going to be an old cat lady. Worse, one that has not really gone out there and done anything, just straight from child to old cat lady, no dallying in between.

You're never only just a hat

So last night I was supposed to go hang out with my buddies, but ended up backing out at the last second because I realized I had to get up at 7 today (and they weren't even starting till 12). So the Explosion called me up to leave a mean phone message, only he messed it up. It was just all random and "why aren't you hanging out with us?" so apparently they decided to make Thug send me a mean one. About my mother.

Wow. I must say, I think I've finally been topped in the mom joke department. I think it was the grossest thing I've ever heard. Whereas I go for horrible and disturbing in mom jokes (breaking old lady's hips, doing it in people's surgical incisions or ears or eyes, throwing dead clowns into the mix) Thug goes straight for the filthy and disgusting, and it worked. He described in creepy detail what all my mom was doing to him, down to how the cum looked like on her teeth and what she was doing to his scrotee.

I told him I jerked it to that message 7 times, and I would've done it more but I had to stop after awhile so I could jerk it to Schindler's List for awhile.

I don't know why, but I think "jerk it" is an awesome euphemism for masturbation to use if you are a girl and have nothing to jerk.

Today was not as horrible as I had thought. I really, really need to get out as soon as possible though. Because it will get horrible. This is only the tip of the iceberg, by Christmas Eve I'll want to die. And of course thanks to gift cards and returns, things won't not suck again till february.

I see the stars coming down there, coming down there to my heart

I'm in a better mood than I was yesterday. Despite things going... not really as expected today.

I meant to do my laundry yesterday while I was at the parent's house anyway, but I forgot the laundry and didn't even realize till I was half there. Then, I just decided to do it later, as my parents house is kind of far out.

So today I go there for the express purpose of doing laundry... and forget the laundry again. This time I don't even remember until I'm freaking pulling in the driveway. I got mad and just went home, resigned myself to do multiple loads some other day.

Then later my dad calls me up to watch a movie, and we go to the theater, but we had the wrong time, so we just give up.

So I had two relatively long, pointless car rides today.

Ah, but the good stuff: Sufjan Stevens and Broken Sword III.

Broken Sword is a series of computer games. "Adventure," the ones like Kings Quest or Monkey Island where you go around solving things and talking to people. The first one is my favorite EVER. Even over Monkey Island. Don't get me wrong, I love monkey island, but somehow Broken Sword manages to be funny AND have a really engrossing plot. It made me this nerd obsessed with the Templars way before all that Da Vinci code stuff made everyone else know who they were. It also makes me want to quote stupid lines from it at people even though I know no one will get them.

Anyway, the second one was nearly as good, and I eagerly awaited the third one. I seriously compare myself to a star wars geek when the first prequel was going to come out. That excited. And then when I finally got it... it wouldn't work. Because my parents had an old computer and I had a crappy computer. But now I have a nice computer! And when I was over for thanksgiving we found it amongst about a billion other games I don't know if I'll play but can't bear to throw away.

So yes... I am playing the third game in the series I most love of all time right now. Yeah... it is not as good as the first two, but I kind of expected that. After the huge letdown when I couldn't play it at all, anything I can get out of it is basically bonus happiness. Also: there is a fourth one out (though only in England) and I'm working on getting the parents to get it for me off of Amazon.co.uk for christmas. Supreme happiness.

And the Sufjan....... oh my gosh. I really must put "kidnap Sufjan Stevens and make him have my babies" on my to do list. He's so, so prolific, and I'm so, so fickle, I keep expecting to get tired of him. But I don't, if anything, I love him more and more every day.

The Christmas music--so beautiful. It's weird how different artists/groups I can have ultimate faith in, at least in various respects. I would not buy a string tribute to any other band but Coheed and Cambria.* The number of bands I'd buy an outtakes album from is single digits.* And I don't think I could make myself buy a Christmas album from anyone else but Sufjan Stevens.***

Anyway, like with a lot of his stuff, he's SO prolific that probably some of it could go (Sufjan calls an 11 track 35 minute album an EP, the box set had 5 of those in it, though most were shorter than that particular one). I've never been a fan of his weird little interlude tracks. And not even Sufjan could make the song Jingle Bells not suck. But some songs.... What Child Is This, We Three Kings, O Holy Night: SO good when he does them. And another nice bit is that a lot of the songs he picks are relatively less popular, like O Come Emannuel, Once in Royal David's City, The Friendly Beasts, etc. So not only are they good, I don't have to try to constantly surpress the memory of whatever the most nauseating other version of it is while I'm listening to it, like I have to with a lot of carols.

The real happiness is the original songs, though. Sister Winter, I've listened to constantly, I'll just put it on repeat and listen to it for like 20 minutes at a time, since I got it awhile ago (when the album was first announced that song and one other were free on the Asthmatic Kitty website). Part of it, that particular song paralleled something that was going on with me when I got it, so I think it has an added emotional resonance, but I still think it is a damn good song. I thought I would be tired of it by now, with the rate I've played it..... but no.

This is kind of goofy and cliche, and it makes me feel like that weird kid in American Beauty to say, but when I listen to certain of Sufjan's songs, I feel like my heart is going to explode and burst because it can't take in all that beauty at once. It's something so visceral... that I kind of think he could have utterly stupid lyrics and would still be able to do this to me. I think I kind of garbled/messed up what I meant to say there, but I can't really think of a better way to describe it. Anyway... sitting around listening to his christmas music (And Majesty Snowbird which I just d/led) all day (and playing broken sword) fixes a lot of my crankiness, if only temporarily.

_______
* Okay, I did, but it was a mistake.
** Ben Folds, Sufjan Stevens, Saves the Day
*** Okay I did, but it was a muppet album.

when I was a kid I saw a light

Yeah I know how today we're supposed to talk about how we're thankful and everything, but really what I'm going to do is post about how much ass yesterday sucked.

1) This pretty much ruined my whole day, I think the other things were more sort of an insult to injury thing. Anyway, I got a parking ticket for being more than 6 inches away from the curb. WHAT THE FUCK? Whenever I mention this to anyone they all are like, "they ticket you for that?" Because (maybe because they're better parkers than me or maybe the world hates me) no one else ever gets a parking ticket for that. This is the second time it's happened to me. And I guess the first time it was my fault, though I think I was parked perfectly safely. But this time, this fuckin' time, I COULDN'T park any closer to the curb because my asshole neighbors just had this fucking big pile of leaves spilling out into the street. It was either park there more than six inches from the curb, or park two blocks away. I guess its my fault for being lazy, because I fucking knew this was going to happen. It makes me so, so mad. Like all the time I think of buying a 20 dollar computer game or 10 dollar book I'd like, and all the time I don't, because I know I can't afford it. I save, and save, and scrimp, and scrimp.... and then I have to blow it all on a goddamn parking ticket. I know it's only 20 dollars, but that is a LOT of money to me. I make 200 dollars a week if I'm lucky.

2) I got another bastard at work who decided to hand me his rewards card after it had been in his mouth. WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE? I'm not going to go into how disgusting it is, because the last time this happened I did, but jesus, people. Why would you do this? And I find it a disturbing trend that I was at the store a year before this happened the first time, and it's only been like a month since the last time. Either everyone's going to start doing it soon, or it's the same dude and he's become a regular. Either is horrible.

3) The managers of the store really piss me off sometimes. I've been wanting to do stuff with the Black Friday Multimedia since it came in like two weeks ago. But Lister, since he is in control of inventory, kept wanting me to do inventory stuff instead. I really get tired of him having such a focus on that without seeing the whole store's bigger picture. Because all the time he wants me to do things anyone in the store could do, while I want to get things done that I'm the only one* who knows how to do them. Oh, and over half of the Black Friday stuff never got keepered, even though that IS something anyone could do, just because NO ONE WILL EVER LISTEN TO ME.

Then, another wonderful bit is they had me sort all this crap a few days ago. I wanted to price it while I was doing it, because doing them all at once takes less time than doing them separately. But they said if I just sorted it, they could have another employee sticker it later (this specific coworker has the mental capacity to sticker this stuff but not necessarily sort it). But then they never told this coworker to do it! No one did it! So I had to do it, and it all took way more time than if they'd just let me do what I wanted to do in the first place.

THEN, Lister wanted to pull me off doing this stuff, so that I could help straighten out the store, so that when we close the people straightening the store would have more time to... do what I was doing. I pointed out how stupid his logic was, but he didn't really care. Thankfully, I actually got done with it before I had to start straightening, so I didn't have to mentally debate whether or not to rip him a new one and get shit done or just do what he said and have everything I did implode on itself because it didn't get completely done before I left. Because yeah, it was simple stuff, you wouldn't think someone could fuck it up, but you don't even want to know how badly people screw up on simple things every day at the store. I never fully understood the phrase "if you want something done properly, do it yourself!" until a few months ago when I ended up taking on all of this stuff, and having it all screwed up every time I try and delegate it to anyone.

Things I AM thankful for:

-I get (Black) Friday off.
-My Mom makes the best turkey gravy EVER.
-I get two thanksgivings, of sorts, though I'm beginning to worry that one is going to be awkward. Baby stealer invited me over, and I'm not really going to eat, since I have my parents one to go to. I've been wanting to hang out with her for ages, though.
-My Sufjan Stevens Christmas album hopefully should have come by now.

______
* There actually are other people, but they are busy doing things that only they can do

beep boop

Okay.... I think there is some person exactly like me floating out there somewhere.

In other news I saw the new Bond today. It's the best recent one I've seen, if not of all time. At least.... I like the actual character the best. You know how James Bond is basically the epitome of cool? Gambles, fights, fucks, drinks, doesn't give a damn, whatever else cool people do. He's a smirking dickweed! If I knew him in real life I would despise him! He's a horrible human being, who spouts even more horrible puns, who is only good for saving the world from this or that. And I understand that saving the world all the time is hard work and you don't get to develop a personality when you're busy shooting people all the time, but bleh...

Plus, I hate cool people! Cool people are not fun at all. If James Bond just knew pi to 30 digits or had a 12 sided die or something, I probably would not hate him at all.

Anyway he's still cool, but he's not a total smirking dickweed in this. Like, it's when he first gets his license to kill or whatever so he's not as jaded yet or whatever. He's a lot more vulnerable. And his jokes are actually funny.

Oh and M is beginning to get on my nerves. She's always yelling at Bond for doing the things he does, but like... she's the one that made him that way! AND she would know by now that he's that way and he's going to shoot up a whole building to get to one guy or whatever.

I do kind of like that they toned down the ridiculous technology bit a little too. I mean, it can be cool sometimes... but the invisible car and sun laser and shit stretch the bounds of credibility sometimes.

Actually.... I would compare the new Bond to the new Batman... they kind of both went back and stripped the really cheesy bits, made both the situation and characters seem a little more realistic. So I guess it just boils down to whether or not you like that.

Actual villain in this one: kind of lame. He's an accountant, for heaven's sake. If Bond can't take down an accountant, he would really suck.

unholy video

Me: ah. Yeah, a buck's not too bad to rent something like that. I just have to decide whether or not it's worth going to hipster video, that's the real hidden cost :P
Elaine: a dollar and piece of your soul
Me: haha
Me: you're making it sound more like satan video
Elaine: i think they're changing the name
Elaine: unholy video
Elaine: sign our contract......in blood
Me: I want to start Unholy Video
Me: only all my movies would be children's movies
Elaine: you pay late fees w/ your firstborn child
Elaine: that would be PERFECT. only children's movies and candy w/ razorblades in it
Me: Elaine, if you have the capital, I have the know how
Elaine: done and done
Me: I've been sticking razor blades in candy for years now
Elaine: i was thinking, at the video store, everytime someone rents a children's video, they get a free rental copy of one of the "faces of death" series
Elaine: "okay sir. here's your tainted snicker's bar, a copy of pollyanna, and faces of death 7"
Me: if we run out of faces of death I was thinking of documentaries on serial killers, too. Because if any of these kids survive, we obviously want them to be the future purveyors of razorblade candy and death
Elaine: brilliant!

ass sheep couch humping

Man, I had two of the best conversations ever yesterday, and didn't blog either of them and now they are kind of fuzzy in my head. But I have to try. I'm sorry, readers, if it's not that funny due to the forgetful omissions and revisions and the "you had to be there" quality anyway.

The first one I love even more than I would've anyway because I basically had it with the perfect person to have this conversation with (I also think we were both cranky/tired and it cheered us up). I'm at the point where most people will endure my poo talk, but it takes a special friend to actually enjoy it and add to the funniness.

Anyway, this conver has a backstory. First part: I use butt wipes. They're kind of essential if you have diahrea every day. It kind of makes everything about colitis suck just a little bit less. Second part: there are obviously butt wipes made for adults, and that's pretty much what I've used in the past. But these are kind of pricey, sadly. So one day my parents and I were in Sams and we saw this massive case of buttwipes, and we were like, "yay!" They were kind of genericy, and we weren't sure if they were made for babies or whatever, but the price was right.

So I told Opt all of this (or at least the bits she didn't already know), and then told her about the best thing ever. "So... I have noticed this before, but I was thinking how hilarious it is today. Since the wipes are made for babies they have a design on them. Sheep. Yes, I wipe my ass with sheep! And for some reason, I find this just hilarious. In fact, if I had a choice between sheep and non sheep butt wipes anymore, I would probably choose the sheep because it gives me a laugh when I'm feeling horrible."

So then somehow I got onto the fact that I like it so much if I ever found a real sheep I would want to wipe my ass on it. Then I was like, "I wouldn't really do it."

Opt: Why not?
Me: Well I don't think it'd be nice to get poo all over the wool
Opt: well they wash it. And think of how soft it would be!
Me: are you kidding? have you ever seen a real sheep? That wool is all gross and matted and hard while it's actually on the sheep. And there's like, twigs sticking out of it and crap.

Then I can't remember where the conversation went, but then I said:

Me: Why would you even put a sheep on something like that to begin with? It's even a little weird to wipe babies' asses with sheep
Opt: Well people want to wipe their baby asses with something soft, the sheep lets you know those wipes are soft.
Me: That seems kind of dumb.
Opt: Yeah. If I made those wipes I would actually put baby asses on them, and have people wipe their babies' asses with baby asses because you know there's nothing softer than a baby's ass. I would wipe my ass with a baby ass!

Then I can't remember where the conversation went, but then we started discussing the mechanics of how one could possibly chip one's tooth while giving a blow job.

The other one, I was talking to the neighbors about how obsessed I am with my couch and how it makes me sad that if I ever move that I can't take it with me and will have to take a saw to it or something. Boy DN said something about maybe after sawing it apart, it could kind of get bolted together again. Girl DN said, "prop it up on a third leg, and it's as good as new!" BDN just looks at her and is like, "A third leg? Man, then the couch would hump you!" And then we started talking about how I'd have to watch my back and not drop anything while the couch was around. Then we got to talking about reupholstering(sp?) the couch so that it looks more hookery since everyone humped it, like bright blue kind of like ugly eyeliner and the rest of the couch hot pink. Or just getting some fabric and making the couch a thong (or crotchless thong, thank you BDN). Then the term "pimp your couch!" was used so I decided we'd have to give the couch hydraulics, and we decided that where the couch was cut in half would be where it went up and down so you could have someone humping it on either side.

Um..... maybe funnier if you discuss people humping your couch as much as I have.

the way his collar falls to the left

You know, I was thinking today. When I got passed over for promotion in that totally slap-in-the-face way, to placate me afterwards they told me two things.

1) That they would make some little thing my sole responsibility. So I would feel like I was essential, I guess. Or like to show that I had responsibility so someday I might be promoted.

This technically has never materialized. But I would be too busy for it anyway considering I somehow ended up responsible for 90% of the multimedia merchandising in the entire store. And I'm not even getting that done (too much for one person, especially since everything's speeding up for Christmas and I spend a lot of time on registers). So in a weird way this is more than I expected. I love it because it means I am essential, like I could just no call no show one day and they'd be screwed. I'd never do it, but it feels good to have some sort of leverage and, well..... to be needed. I love it because I like doing merchandising more than anything else at the store. I dislike it because it feels like I'm doing more work for the same pay.

2) They would start some developmental something something acronym DAP, basically work with me personally to help fix the problems holding me back (shooting my mouth off, whatever else it was they thought I was bad at). And I mean... I kind of don't blame Elaine for never doing it, because she's got 10,000 things on her plate right now. But... I don't know. It feels like they just underestimate me, like I'm not even worth being told outright that I'm not right for a job, and then when I get mad they just promise me things to shut me up, and then don't do them.

Ryan: Working on some new material for phoexx0rmakeshotchocolate.com ?
Me: haha sorry
Me: I was blogging
Me: and got really involved in it
Ryan: haha
Ryan: *reads*
Me: my angry diatribe to you about work turned into an angry diatribe on blogspot about work
Ryan: Man I already know all this!
Me: well the #2 is something I didn't complain about to you
Me: but you can pretty much skip the #1
Me: or it all
Me: because you already know that I'm always angry at my job
Ryan: haha
Ryan: Every post should just be replaced with [Insert 'Same Shit, Different Day']

like you said you always were

So tonight I hung out at the VFW. True story.

It was pretty good, the music was actually turned down and I could hear other people! Craziness for a bar!

Anyway I had a lot of fun and was glad I could come, I kind of felt bad not being invited the first time, and being scared of bars/not wanting to stay up late the second time. Because people had some fairly amusing stories afterwards and I was not part of them, and then I got all sad.

But the most important part is I learned that Getz and ponytail geek are "Getz"ing it on. WHAA??? Yes, it's true. And so, so creepy. Imagine two very, very bitter people. One is very short, pushy, and wears a mushroom cloud's worth of perfume every day. The other is the most manorexic guy you can imagine. Like... I have known skinny guys and this guy trumps them all by a good margin, and besides that has this long crappy ponytail he does not take care of that looks horrible and is always wearing these horrible turtlenecks. And they're having angry, angry sex.

This is exactly what I've been trying NOT to do in the hour or so I've been privy to this so very disturbing information.

Also if even ponytail geek is getting some, it makes me feel pret-ty losery.

Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry

It's kind of funny, when it's a Saturday, they have more people at work, because more people are shopping. It's actually one of the days I get more stuff done, because there are enough extra people that I'm not stuck on registers all day.

Anyway, today I was not scheduled for any registers. Because there were a lot of people in today. And believe me, I need that time, I had three carts of non alphabetized new releases and all this stuff for black friday (the day after Thanksgiving). And I'm still putting up displays that were supposed to be up on Halloween.

I was grateful, really, but in my head I was like, "Yeah, someone's going to call out. There can't be this many people scheduled to work without one of them frickin' flaking on us, considering how fucking flakey everyone we've been hiring lately is."

Sometimes it hurts to be so right.

So yeah, it wasn't that bad to have some register time, it was a lot better than the past few days when I've had five hours. I'm just sick of being told I will have a day when I can actually get things done... and then not getting them done. During the precious few hours I had back in the back with no customers to interupt, I got called out to do customer service, then when I was supposed to be on the floor (and had planned to get the last of the Halloween stuff finally done) I had registers instead. And like I said, it really sucks that people call in every day, and fuck everyone's plans up every day. I especially feel bad for people who work in the cafe, because since we have less cafe trained people, one weak link in that chain and they have to do something horrible like call in Elaine on her first day off in god knows when, or make Baby Stealer work some shitty split shift thing.

Speaking of fuck ups, honorable mention goes to the dude wearing the "I may not be Mr. Right but I will fuck you until he gets here," T-shirt. Why he felt the need to wear that in a store that children are likely to be present at, I don't know. Why he felt that particular statement was funny and not lame, I don't know. Why the creepy-ass bastard kept asking me to find things, I don't know. What I do know is that I wanted to set him on fire and tell him to suck on my junk.

I am ninja he is ninja she is ninja too

BEST APPLES TO APPLES EVER.

So, in case you aren't familiar with the game apples to apples, I'll clue you in.

1) It is REALLY fun.
2) Basically there's a card that has some sort of adjective on it. One person "judges" and the rest submit cards that have nouns on them. Whichever noun best embodies the adjective wins. This sounds kind of dry but it's really fun because you can put something totally ironic (I judged "Humphrey Bogart" to win "silly") or just something bizzarre ("earwax" for "goody-goody") or, at least with my friends, something that wins "automatically" (such as ninjas, pirates, Bates Motel, or Helen Keller) because you like it. Also if you are playing with friends, you can kind of slide it towards your favor by picking things you KNOW the person would pick (Opt, for instance, would use "carnival workers" while I judge because I've always made fun of carnies in general, and I've been talking with a particular carnie lately).

Also it is fun with running jokes, and there are blank cards you can write any noun on (Opt's set now includes "Opt's Mom," "Your Mom," and "Poo!").

So now for the best bit:

The "sexy" card turns up.

Me: Man, where is the Holocaust card when you need it?
Opt or Guy DN: *something to the effect that the holocaust isn't sexy, I can't remember exactly*
Me: What are you kidding me? I masturbate to Schindler's List almost every night.
Guy DN: Well, there are tits in that movie.

Opt: *turns over the card she submitted* Schindler's List. I TOTALLY win.

Then we all laughed like maniacs for like 20 minutes.

The other awesome bit is for "Technological" someone submitted Pigeons, and Opt selected it just because she liked the idea of "pigeon borg." And how resistance to their poo is futile.

Then, she said the funniest thing EVER.

"Hello, I'm Locooootis."

She also put the image of The Pigeon from the Mo Willems books as a borg in my head. Golden.

real ultimate power

Oh I've also decided I'm going to start calling myself "The Ninja."

Reasons:

1) I've hit the quotient of people I did not nag to call me this who call me this (1) in Guy DN.
2) I've read Real Ultimate Power.
3) I am well versed in Minjas and Niniature Golf (and it's variations from Cut-Cut golf)

I bought you a harmonica and a bag of chocolate coins

So apparently we now have little pads next to the pens we sell so that people can test them out. Today I saw "Renegade loves Smurfs" on there and cracked up. I went on the wire and said, "Renegade, do you love smurfs?"

Renegade: define love
Me: Uh... well on these pad things it says "Renegade loves Smurfs."
Renegade: Oh. Well I would not like to make love to a Smurf, but I do like them.

Then he comes over to look.

Renegade: Did you write this?
Me: No, you can even look at the handwriting, it's totally not mine.
Renegade: *comes over* It looks like a girl wrote it.
Me: See? My handwriting is kind of mannish.
Renegade: Yeah, it is pretty terrible. I guess Opt must've done it.

So then he writes "Opt loves Sexy." which I think is a lot meaner than saying someone love smurfs.

Speaking of Sexy, he bugged me today again. He made yet another lame joke (I said I would rather do nearly anything at registers than nothing because it's so boring, he replied with "i've learned to sleep with my eyes open") and when I didn't laugh he got all mad and told me I was being mean. Really, does he think I'm holding in crazy guffaws at his outrageous humor just to spite him? His jokes are just not funny! And that's saying something, I've been told I'll laugh at nearly anything.

In other news the other new-ish dude on the inventory team (I've never given him an name in here) I officially dislike too. He's not as annoying as Sexy, and he doesn't seem as incompetant, but he really DOES laugh at everything. And I don't mean just jokes... like you say anything to him and he starts giggling. It gets really vexing if you are complaining about something that really is important to you, and he just starts laughing at how annoyed you are, thus making you more annoyed.

In other news they put me on registers for five hours in a row again. In other other news they gave me absolutely nothing to do for the last two of them.

more christmas music talk

Me: I want to make babies with this song
Me: or to this song
Me: both
Me: I want this song to sing this song to me while we do it
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: I bet that would be pretty hot for that song

Me: so should I intersperse the sad and slow with the fast and angry or make half of it angry and half of it sad? And intersperse the funny randomly?
Ryan: hm tough call
Me: yeah :/ I guess maybe I'll try to do it half and half, it would be kind of jarring to be going back and forth
Ryan: true, unless they meshed well
Me: most of them don't
Me: maybe I'll go sad then funny then angry. So the funny will be like a breather between the heavy emotions :P
Ryan: haha there you go
Ryan: call it "Manic Manheim"
Me: "this is the exact emotional progression most of my holidays take"

december is for cynics

So... I'm doing a little research for "Mannheim Steamroller Can Suck It" i.e. the mix CD of Christmas music I'm going to give everyone because I am too cheap for real gifts and....

I've found the only Christmas music I like is all angry and "I hate Christmas" or all sad and "I hate Christmas." People are just going to think I'm a ray of sunshine.

pooooooo

So does anyone know a good used book store where I can unload some old sci fi paperbacks? I've been going to this one really close to me, but the lady is getting irritated that I always sell and never buy. I got so nervous last time that I ended up buying this Tom Wolfe book that I did not want and will never read. I picked it out because I've heard good things about Tom Wolfe, the page I randomly turned to in the store involved a man at a craps table yelling "Hernia! Hernia!", and I was cowed by the store lady. I do not want this happening again.

your art it brought me to my knees

I am vaguely wondering if there's something wrong with me. Physically... we all know the "mentally" portion is a whole can of worms no one wants to open up.

Anyway I am getting these weird little twinges of dizziness. Or... actually I think it's vertigo. If there's a distinction at all... It's not like as intense as dizziness. It's like just sudddenly, for a split second, the dimensions of everything around me change, and I'm disoriented, and then everything goes back to normal.

The reason I equate this with "vertigo" more than dizziness is it actually reminds me of the movie Vertigo. Every time he gets vertigo, they show a point of view shot where the camera is simultaneously zooming in and being physically moved away. Or vice versa... I'm not sure it's a difference. This is pretty freaky... I know they do it in Jaws, too, and a subtler one in Goodfellas but it is really crazy in real life to feel like that is happening to you (though obviously not as dramatically).

But I don't think I've really changed anything in my routine, and I don't feel sick or bad otherwise. I'm probably just being paranoid.

Aunt Irma's in town

Man do I ever hate having lady troubles. Today I had the worst cramps I've had in at least a year, maybe more. I think it's because this time I didn't really notice I was having lady troubles until I was already in pain, and it took awhile for pain pills to kick in.

I really am considering going back on birth control. I got off it because I hated the goddamn pap test they made me take to get the pills. But... pain for a few minutes once a year? Or pain constantly all day or even two days every month? Much worse. But... I don't know, there must be something psychologically traumatic about having strangers stick something painful in my vagina, because I cried all the way home when they did it to me, and I still hate thinking about it.

Look I understand they don't want to get sued for cancer from the pills, or that they even geniuinely don't want me to get cancer for my sake. But if I want to take the pills without the tests, I think they should let me. They let people smoke, and drink, and do about a thousand detrimental things without stopping them or physically violating them. Yes, I do realize that maybe this whole thing would be less painful and freaky to me if I weren't a virgin, but I really don't want to go and find some dude to lose it with (and have it possibly turn out as traumatic or more so than the test) just so that their fucking test sucks less. I really hate that they can deny me treatment like this.

Bitter young woman with time on her hands creates annoyance hierarchy

Also, I totally ripped this off of the Brunching Shuttlecock's "geek hierarchy chart" but... eh.

When you have bought something at a store, have you ever thought the person checking you out was secretly judging you?

Well you were right. We do. I totally judge people. Sometimes they don't even do anything, I just don't like the looks of 'em.

Anyway, here's a hierarchy chart about how much customers annoy me. If you have ever done something near the top, that is not that bad. It is only a mild annoyance. But if you do the things on the bottom, I will SO murder you if we are ever in a dark alley together.

I already know I have some work to do on this, like adding people who buy whatever Oprah says, won't get off their damn cell phones and treat me like a human being for the two seconds it takes to check out, or will spend 20 minutes yacking my ear off about how great James Blunt is.

Man. Two people called out today, and Saturdays are the busiest to begin with, not to mention that the Christmas season has started. So we were crazy busy.

Every. Other. Store. Calls people in when other people call out! For the love of Jesus, how hard is that? Why would you just not call in other people? You obviously need other people or you wouldn't have scheduled that many to begin with.....

And like... it's not a corporate policy. It's our particular store's policy. And it's stupid as ass.

At least I did manage to keeper my new releases, and will hopefully get to price them. But it was a very near thing and the rest of the day was pretty much a wash.

In other news: I am enjoying The Matches. I frankly fell in love with the drummer a long time ago when I saw one of their music videos. All the rest of the members of the band are wearing these really over the top punk clothes and outfits and are thrashing around (especially goofy given that the song is about 99% pop and only 1% punk) punk style, but the drummer is wearing mildly dorky normal clothes and glasses, and rocking the white guy head nod that reminds you of the early beatles the whole time. I love that.

my fingers are like, "haven't you had enough?"

...the more you buy the more you want.

I thought I was done shopping for myself yesterday, but I was at the store today and saw like five more things I'd like to get.

I think for my sister I am going to be a jerk and get her something not on her list because it seriously burns me to buy hardcover books even at 40% off, even for another person. I can get her two mass market paperbacks for half the price. Which I did.... On her Christmas list is this Robin Hobb book, second of this new series she's writing. New series: not as good as the old one by a long shot. So I got her the first two books of the old one to kill both my cheapness bird and my "you should like what I like" bird with one jerky stone.

Still got to decide on my Dad's gift.

My parents and I did indeed go to world market, and they got me stuff. Stuff which I should've declined seeing as how I'm at least nominally on a diet, but I took it anyway.

I opened an IRA today with my parents money too. I hate how not independant I feel. And it was kind of a pain, and I already have a 401k, but I kind of see why it needed to be done. What I don't see, however, is why the woman in the next cubicle over had to give her teller her entire whiney life story. I seriously wanted to stab myself. The only way I could distract myself was txt Sista (who didn't answer) and Ryan (who contended "at least you're not in some stupid class learning about microsoft office") I still think I had the worse pain because he might've been doing soemthing boring, at least he didn't have an annoying old lady talking at the same time. We finished up this mini conver with him asking me if I liked the IRA and me answering, "Yes, I hate those filthy English."

Then my dad and I saw Flags of Our Fathers. Pretty good. I've already decided the next movie I see has to be fun, though. I've been seeing a lot of heavy movies lately. AND, whenever I do try and rent something funny it ends up stupid. In fact, I have a theory that I should probably not be allowed to select movies for myself. Sure I have friends and loved ones that will occaisionally steer me wrong, but they usually seem to have a higher success rate than when I see something that seems not horrible when I'm at the video rental place.

Nebrasky invited me out drinking, which I'd be pretty mad if he hadn't considering the whole big deal I made about it last time. But then I had to be a dick and say no, because I have work early tomorrow. Maybe if I had been sleeping better this week I would've gone ahead and gone out anyway, but... yeah. I really get emotionally unbalanced if I don't, and I have been having problems at work lately anyway (just getting way too hyper, which you think if I am tired it would be the opposite, but it's not).

Hey scenesters, hey, hey scenesters!

Mike: what are these plans you speak of
Me: My parents are buying me two meals, a movie, and possibly merchandise from world market
Mike: hrm, are you sure they are not trying to sleep with you?
Me: haha
Mike: because that is what i would do if i really wanted to sleep with a girl who wouldn't give it up
Me: um... well they've bought me a whole lot of crap before and not tried anything :P
Mike: they are building up then, or have low self esteem

uh ohs

So today I unwillingly helped fuel the Barry Manilow machine. Yeah, my mom wanted his new album for Christmas. At least I don't live with them anymore, so I won't have to hear it. I guess I wouldn't feel quite as bad about it except I know that that man is just going to blow all the money I gave him on more plastic surgery. I will probably get her a little something else as well but haven't decided yet. I'm thinking maybe of "Bad dog" (book of dogs dressed up, cutsey captions) even though I think it's stupid, because I think it's something she would find cute and funny.

I also moderately willingly fueled the emo machine today, two matches albums and an Academy Is... album. I feel kind of lame that most of my "good" music I can steal from my friends, but I still have to buy my emo. Though that's not to say I won't buy some of the stuff I steal that's completely awesome, I am totally asking my parents to get me the Sufjan Christmas album, the Avalanche (which I stole months ago), and Wolf Parade (which I stole even longer ago).

By the way this is employee appreciation right now, which means I get 40% off books and CD's. On top of this I had a ton of merch cardage I had saved up.

I got When Will Jesus Bring the Porkchops & Real Ultimate Power for my brother in law. He is both the hardest person to shop for (never gives me a list) and the easiest person to shop for (anything in the humor section that doesn't totally suck would probably work for him). So I got the Carlin book because I got him one of Carlin's others for his birthday and he seemed to enjoy it. I got him Real Ultimate Power because it is the most hilarious book I've ever read. I can't think of another book that ever made me laugh out loud as much. The only thing is it's slightly weird humor, so I'm somewhat afraid he won't like it and/or will tell everyone in the family I'm a weirdo and bought him a book all about boners. But on the other hand, ninja boners are cool. And by cool, I mean totally sweet.

I still have to shop for my dad. He said something about a Laurel K Hamilton book if it is in paperback, but I don't think it is yet. I also frickin' hate buying those books for him, because they are basically porn. I don't know if he thinks I don't know what's in them (even though they are very popular and I work in a establishment that sells them) or if he just doesn't see what's creepy about it. I am thinking the former. I kind of know what he likes but I am not sure how well my last few picks have gone over because he is not the type to complain if he doesn't like a gift.

I still have to shop more for my sister, and get her something she actually wants, but I really couldn't resist getting her this humor book called "Safe Baby Handling Tips: Pregnancy." Basically it will have "Do" and then a picture of how a normal person would handle something during pregnancy and then "Don't" and something outragious. Like "cutting loose" and then showing two people kind of sedately dancing for "do," and then for Don't, this pregnant woman doing a crazy breakdance move. And for "working while pregnant" do is some woman doing a desk job, "Don't" is a pregnant lady operating a jackhammer. And so on.

I still have to shop a little more for the 'phew, I'm thinking of getting him something that's not a book as well but I couldn't decide. Anyway two little Dr. Suess board books: Hop on Pop and There's a Wocket in my Pocket (which sounds vaguely dirty, but I promise it's not) is what I do have so far.

For my friends, I'm debating trying my hand at christmas cookies or something and/or burning mix CD's. Because I'm po'

For me, as well as the emo, I got two Nick Hornby books (one is new, he basically reviews other books) and the other I have read but don't own. One Kurt Vonnegut book, Bluebeard, which I have read but always wanted to own, and Neil Gaiman's Anansi boys, which I've read but want to own.

I can't stand here listening to you and your racist friend

So apparently I really AM racist, Sista got me to confess:

Sista: is it stil Renegade, the weird guy, and ponytail geek?
Me: Renegade, Weird Guy, PG, other weird guy
Sista: weirdos left and right
Me: Yeah. Renegade's the only one on the crew I like at all.
Me: I actually love Renegade
Me: The other day he just randomly started making out with this cardboard cutout of Josh Groban in front of me and Babystealer
Sista: i think you should marry Renegade
Me: HAHA best marriage ever. We would horribly verbally abuse each other every day.
Me: "Hey Phoexx0r you know how you SUCK?"
Me: "Hey Renegade you know how your kidneys don't work?"
Sista: i think its a loving marriage
Sista: you know how to communicate with one another
Me: I guess. I'm not really into him that way though.
Sista: because he is black?
Sista: are you a biggot?
Me: yes, that's the reason Sista. I'm a big racist.
Me: I hate the blacks.
Me: I want the master race to stay pure.
Me: no mulattos!
Sista: you don't like the colored people?
Me: I like them to clean my house for me and call me massah
Sista: i am going to convince people your a biggot
Sista: just for laughs
Me: I don't care
Me: I'll post this on my blog if you want
Me: come clean about my secret racist ways
Sista: hahaha

beep boop

So I just scored a sweet-ass 1 gig flash drive for free today!

In fact I think I technically got paid 10 dollars to take it.

Anyway I actually bought this thing for 60 dollars this spring, hoping to use it to back up the things I didn't want to lose from my ailing laptop. But of course my stupid laptop would not recognize it because awhile before that every single driver on the thing went Pfft! And I couldn't figure out how to make it work. And of course my laptop broke right before I moved and would have gotten a new computer and cable interweb to backup everything. And the files weren't saved.

So my mom bought the flash drive off me, as my parents have an elderly computer that it might be nice to save a few files off of.

But...... today she finally tried it and the computer (still running windows 98) proved too old. So she gave it back to me today and didn't make me give her the money back.

Oh and I got a 10 dollar rebate at the time.

The only thing that sucks is that even though my new computer reads the flash drive, I don't really have any use for a flash drive anymore. I really don't transfer files ever. I guess it's good just in case, though.

In other news, I feel a little bad for Ok Go. The Neev burned a copy of Oh No for Dance Whore, who in turn is letting Nebrasky and I steal it, and then I'm going to burn it for Opt. But Dance Whore justifies this as "well I probably wouldn't have bought it anyway, and if I really do like it I probably will buy it." I agree.

Progress at downloading the internet and/or pirating music: I have 44 gigs of data on my computer. That is 4 times the size of my previous hard drive. But it's a tiny, tiny, wedge on the pie chart that is my sweet, sweet, TB hardrive. Hot damn I love this computer.

Oh, but back to my parents computer: they're buying a new one because the old one is starting to make weird sounds. I told them I thought it was their fan and blew their mind because they hadn't even thought of it. But really it is like... a loud fan sound. Anyway my mom vaccumed it out in there, and it's still loud, and still does get a bit warmer than is probably good. The parents are still going to get another computer, and I'm really tempted to ask them for the old one, so I can play really old games for windows 98 on it. But... I don't know it seems kind of big for where I live. And it would be kind of strange to have two computers and request to keep this ghetto old computer when I have this sweet new one. And kind of strange to have three computers around, if I ever can get my laptop fixed. I'll have to think about it.

I really do have to diet. I have gained 10 lbs in like a month. That does not bode well.

Charlie's making me smile

So I was really excited, today on the radio I heard the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Gnarls Barkley are going to play at U of I. See, for most of my life, the music I listen to has not really been the music my friends listened to (I had no friends until high school, then they all listened to christian rock, and then I had no friends in college). But now, this is a concert I could see myself actually getting someone to come with me. Opt, Elaine, Thug, ALL Gnarls fans. If Jersey didn't decide to never speak to me again for NO REASON, he is a Red Hot Chili Peppers fan. I LOVE the Red Hot Chili Peppers and have never seen them in concert and this would be an awesome opportunity, especially since I wouldn't have to go to Chicago.

But on the other hand, I don't really like that many concerts. I mean, they're alright, but it seems like just a lot of money and work. And I don't think I get as much out of them as most people. And since these are both really big bands, it would be a big, crowded venue, which I don't always do so well with.

Lastly it's not till like.... March or some crap. I'm totally going to forget by then anyway.

In other news I totally LOVE my dentist's office. I got the time I was supposed to come in mixed up, came a half hour early, and they still saw me right away. YOU HEAR THAT OTHER DOCTOR'S OFFICES? YOU COULD LEARN A LOT FROM MY DENTIST.

'phew.... two?

Me: oh guess what I keep forgetting this
Me: because it's big but like they told me in such an incidental way I keep forgetting
Me: but I'm going to be an aunt a second time!
Tina: cool!
Me: they hope it's not another boy because, quote, "they could barely agree on a boys name the first time, they shudder just thinking of trying it again"
Me: if they have a boy I need to convince him to name him something crazy
Me: "Cool Mo D"
Tina: Gargamel
Me: LOL
Me: dude if I had a nephew named Gargamel I would win at life

Dave steps on the gas the world is flying by

Today was pretty sweet.

Conver 1:

Ponytail geek: Do you know what happened to 26 copies of "Twilight?"
Me: No
Ponytail geek: I guess Opt decided she needed more fiber in her diet.
Me: Yeah I guess we'll know if she comes in tomorrow and is all happy and "Guys, I feel so regular!"
Ponytail geek: ewww, don't say things like that.
Me: I'm sorry, it all comes back to poo for me.
Ponytail geek: *shakes head*
Me: No really, it all comes down to one thing
Thug: Poo!
Getz: Whatever works for you, I guess.
Me: No, I mean, it doesn't work for me. That's why I'm so obsessed with it.
Ponytail geek: Stop saying this stuff!

Conver 2: while building a cardboard display for the new Josh Groban display

Kevin: Any singer where an old lady comes up to you and starts telling you how great they are is not good. It's like, "Oh, that nice Josh Groban boy," or "Oh that nice James Blunt, he's awesome! I saw him on Oprah!"
Me: I definately agree
Ponytail Geek: *comes in, asks us what we're talking about then agrees*
Me: DON'T ANGER JOSH GROBAN!!! *makes a giant cardboard cutout of Josh Groban loom threateningly over ponytail geek's head*

I also put a speech bubble next to Josh's head when I was done that says, "Where is your God now?" But of course I will have to take that off tomorrow when I put it out on the floor.

Conver 3:

Dance Whore and I are discussing something in the back office, Thug wheels out of his office on a roller chair and says, "LETS GET NAKED!" and starts taking off his sweatshirt.

Also Thug cracked me up today when I was at registers looking up how many books we have of specific titles in our search engine. I stepped away to ring up a customer while Thug happened to be up there. When I got back to the computer, the new search query on the screen was for a book apparently called, "Thug is awesome and smells nice."

Conver 4: I'm pricing things in the back room

Renegade: Um... aren't you supposed to be in the cage?
Me: Well there were like four carts in there so there was no room for me in there too but then I had to pull out three carts to get to the one I needed so I guess there would be room, but I decided to do it out here anyway.
Renegade: *just starts laughing* Okay, Phoexx0r. You are pretty cool.
Me: Thanks! I mean, I know you don't mean it, but I'll take it as a compliment
Renegade: I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it.


Conver 5:

Me: I love it when you tell a joke with a reference to something and you know the other person will get it.
Kevin: yeah, me too. I'm always pretty unsure, though. So I ask them first, I say, "Have you seen project runway?" and most of the time the person says, "no," so I just don't say anything after that.

Kevin also made my day, he and I were making fun of this Rolling Stone article on Fergie the other day, there's just all this stuff that makes her look even stupider than I thought she was before I had read the article. Actually, I never had read the article to begin with because I have little to no interest in this woman, but Kevin was reading the funny bits to me out loud yesterday. And one of the things in there we thought was funny is the article says Fergie has her own dictionary, and then goes on to say that she says the word "Risiculous" is "when something is so, so, sick it's... risiculous!"

So apparently today on his break he finished the article, and he found the very end of it so funny that he xeroxed it and cut it out and gave it to me. Basically,she is talking about this really emotionally profound thing that happened to her, and how she was crying, but it was happy and it was such a powerful experience etc. etc., and then at the very end she adds, "Risiculous." It made me laugh really hard, and I taped it on my locker.

Conver 6:

Me: How's it going? Yo, word, street, dawg.
Thug: Not much. Sup with you, White Devil?
Me: Haha, I like that. It's a lot tougher than my previous nickname, "Honkey Magoo," but it still showcases the fact that I am white, which I like.
Thug: My nickname in high school really was White Devil.
Me: Really?
Thug: Yeah. I hung out with a lot of black people.

Conver 7:

Nebrasky: What is up with people always vandalizing my desk?
Me: What do you mean?
Nebrasky: Well I found this on my desk the other day... *holds up a note that says: I was sitting at your desk today and I noticed Dance Whore was still logged onto your computer only he was using it to write romance novels. The strange thing is... he's really good at it!"
Me: I think that's Opt. I left you a note too recently. ("Nebrasky hogs all the surpass*")
Nebrasky: Yeah, what's this that I hog all the Surpass? I mean, I only have one box on my desk.
Me: Yeah, but it's the only box. I was looking for Surpass back here all over and I couldn't find any so I had to get some from your desk.
Nebrasky: *gives Dance Whore the note about him*
Dance Whore: I'm going to put it up next to my business card.** I don't want it to cover up the "love machine" though.
Me: See, that's how you got so good at writing romance novels, from all your experience as a love machine.

Then Nebrasky specifically went out and got me a box of surpass, and wrote "Phoexx0r's very own box" on it.

Nebrasky: Where are you going to put it? You don't have a desk.
Me: I'll put it at info
Nebrasky: There's already a box at info.
Me: I'll put it in the break room...?
Nebrasky: You should put it in your mailbox.

So I did, and I even faced it out so everyone can see that it's labeled as my very own box.

Conver 8: During my break I was cleaning out my mailbox and was finding all sorts of things

Me: See, I have a store newsletter that is labeled "Love, Sufjan XXXXOOO." And a cookie magnet from a coworker who can't spell *holds up an envelope with my name mispelled on it that contains the magnet," and I have a glow in the dark frog, and the Gretchen Wilson thing I used to keep in my name tag, and these flashy vampire fangs.
Thug: Man, you should clean out your mailbox more often this stuff is awesome!
Me: *notices he's eyeing the vampire fangs in a covetous manner* Do you want my light up vampire fangs? I've never used them.
Thug: *puts them in* Man these are awesome I can't believe you never used them
Me: I wasn't so hot to stick random vampire fangs slipped anonymously into my mailbox in my mouth
Thug: Really? I love to put anonymous things in my mouth
Me: Wow, we have so much more in common than I had previously thought!
Thug: It's not just our shared love of Sufjan anymore!

Conver 9: I started explaining the Hulk Smash diet to Renegade. I actually have told a lot of people about this already because I think it's hilarious.

Me: And I was talking to Kevin about it yesterday and he had some really good ideas to add to it too!
Kevin: *starts talking about how the Hulk's favorite food is beans and how you could have some kid named some specific name lock you up in a hulk proof room to keep you away from them*
Renegade: What the hell are you talking about, man?
Kevin: *explains how this is all from the first few original hulk comics, the hulk would get some kid to lock him up*
Renegade: But what is up with the beans?
Kevin: No, they actually put in there that the Hulk's favorite food is beans. I seriously have an issue where the hulk is literally standing there saying, "Hulk like beans!" like "Hulk smash!" only with beans!

Conver 10:

Customer: do you know if you could help me find a book on Guy Fawkes?
Me: Wouldn't you rather just watch V for Vendetta?

____
* Surpass is a generic brand of tissues, and one day Nebrasky and I were talking about how it would be funny to call things by their generic names instead of brand names, like how everyone calls tissues Kleenex and markers Sharpies. And Surpass is the tissue we have around the store... and history was made.

** One time I was bored and took one of Dance Whore's business cards crossed out "book seller," and wrote "love machine," and he has it proudly posted for all to see.

where do your fingers go

So several people from the store that I consider friends went out a couple nights ago. When I found out they didn't invite me I was pretty irritated. It's kind of irrational of me, they basically only asked people who happened to be at the store before, and I obviously wasn't there.

I think the reason it bugged me so much is that I've spent so much time and effort trying to get people at the store to hang out, and now that some people finally are, it feels like they are leaving me out. There's this weird Nebrasky-Dance Whore-Thug group that I feel left out of because I'm not a guy and I don't drink very much. And somehow... I don't know, I think I've fallen behind several other people in the affections of most of the new people. I know people are bound to get along with other people better than me and want to hang out with people who are not me instead of me, but I feel like, "why? I am just as good or better than that person! I put a lot of work into trying to make friends with you! And so and so just swoops in and suddenly you're their friend?" Meh.

Also, I spent that whole day feeling sort of and bored (and this is like the nth day off in a row I've been alone and bored), so it is irritating to think that people I know who could've invited me to something they were doing were out there having fun. And all the old friendships at work I put so much effort into making, gone. Everyone but Opt left, and she has two jobs and is constantly busy. So yeah... I'm a lonely old women who needs to buy me some cats, basically.

So yeah, I do realize this is really whiney. But I'm not the only one, Baby Stealer was a little miffed she wasn't invited either.

I took it out on poor, hung-over Dance Whore all day, which was again, dumb, because it wasn't even his thing, Nebrasky had set this all up. AND, Dance Whore is so nice he actually called Nebrasky about it later and told him to be nice to me since I was upset. Which is how I scored a pity invite to go and see Borat with them last night. Which, I'm tired this morning (we went late, I have work moderately early) but happier.

Insecurity, yes, I have tons. There is plenty to go around.

pucker up for heaven's sake

You know, I started the most recent series of comics to cheer Ryan up, but I really think I somehow got my comic mojo back. Temporarily, anyway. I've done several more lately:

Ryan vs Booker
Ryan vs Campfire
Ryan vs Satire

I think they're some of my best. I wasn't as happy with Campfire as the other two, but meh. Either way it beats "stewardess in pantyhose."

I worked a lot on New Releases DURING MY FOUR HOURS AT REGISTERS TODAY. And still barely made a dent, there are a ton this week. I am getting tired of yelling at the n00bs and telling them how annoying it is when they screw up, so basically when I left I told the n00b on duty:

"You know, on one hand, it's not a big deal if you mess this up. Because EVERYONE does.

On the other hand, if you mess it up you will be seriously contributing to the decline in sanity of another human being," and gestured to myself.

He'll still fuck it up. Everyone does. But I will try not to hate him (or the other n00bs that will no doubt work on it thus undoing all of my good work and any of the good work the more competant n00bs might do).

I'm not at all delusional

Me: OH today I saw this book at borders called the fat smash diet
Me: and I was like, "I want a sequel called the hulk smash diet"
Me: and you lose all the weight because you are busy breaking things because you are angry
Ryan: haha
Ryan: that's a good diet
Me: and all the after pictures are all these thin green people
Me: oh and also if you don't have enough anger you can take steroids
Me: then you're ripped AND extra angry
Ryan: I need to get on this diet
Me: haha you're already skinny
Me: I'm th eone who needs to diet :/
Ryan: start smashing things
Me: I have been gaining weight when I moved out because I do the grocery shopping now and there's always stuff I like to eat in my fridge
Me: haha
Ryan: I could smash things for you
Me: and my parents buy me candy to show their love
Me: would that work?
Ryan: we can see!
Ryan: I'll get on that, because I could do with some good smashing
Me: wouldn't it be awesome if you could get people to work out and it made you thinner?
Me: I bet only rich people would do it though
Ryan: haha
Me: although if the hulk smash diet really did work it sounds like you would be more than happy to do the smashing for me
Ryan: this is very true
Ryan: I'm all about destroying things
Ryan: especially in the name of good
Me: haha when I was demonstrating this idea to one of my coworkers I really wanted to rip up a book and throw it on the ground
Me: but I knew I'd have to pay for it
Me: so I ripped up one of our coupons
Ryan: you should have totally done it hulk hogan style and ripped your own shirt off
Me: haha I think that constitutes sexual harassment
Me: although there was this one coworker of mine today who spilled something on himself and was like, "Should I take the shirt off?" and I was like, "yeah, take it ALL off"
Ryan: haha
Me: and then started singing my best approximation of cheezy stripper music
Me: yeah I think I've sexually harassed nearly all of my coworkers both male and female
Ryan: and I'm sure they love it
Me: oh yeah

Me: because I like Ryan
Ryan: Meh, Ryan's overrated
Me: shut the fuck up, Ryan is totally cool
Me: You always make fun of what I like
Ryan: haha I am so cool.. I mock everything you love : P

Me: so do you think there's something wrong with my "network card"?
Ryan: haha no it might just be a network glitch
Ryan: and resetting the card might fix it
Ryan: or maybe the interwebs are down
Ryan: and you did it

goofy take my hand

Things I really need to do:

dishes
look for a job
call my dentist

I have kind of been like, "well I applied to state farm," and using it as an exuse not to go job hunting. I really need to find a new job. I do not want to work at the store during the holiday season again.

In other news, I found what I needed to drag me out of music burnout: crappy emo music. I don't know why, but after eating heavy meals for a few months, I apparently need some junk food. Musically. If you didn't catch that metaphor.