ass sheep couch humping

Man, I had two of the best conversations ever yesterday, and didn't blog either of them and now they are kind of fuzzy in my head. But I have to try. I'm sorry, readers, if it's not that funny due to the forgetful omissions and revisions and the "you had to be there" quality anyway.

The first one I love even more than I would've anyway because I basically had it with the perfect person to have this conversation with (I also think we were both cranky/tired and it cheered us up). I'm at the point where most people will endure my poo talk, but it takes a special friend to actually enjoy it and add to the funniness.

Anyway, this conver has a backstory. First part: I use butt wipes. They're kind of essential if you have diahrea every day. It kind of makes everything about colitis suck just a little bit less. Second part: there are obviously butt wipes made for adults, and that's pretty much what I've used in the past. But these are kind of pricey, sadly. So one day my parents and I were in Sams and we saw this massive case of buttwipes, and we were like, "yay!" They were kind of genericy, and we weren't sure if they were made for babies or whatever, but the price was right.

So I told Opt all of this (or at least the bits she didn't already know), and then told her about the best thing ever. "So... I have noticed this before, but I was thinking how hilarious it is today. Since the wipes are made for babies they have a design on them. Sheep. Yes, I wipe my ass with sheep! And for some reason, I find this just hilarious. In fact, if I had a choice between sheep and non sheep butt wipes anymore, I would probably choose the sheep because it gives me a laugh when I'm feeling horrible."

So then somehow I got onto the fact that I like it so much if I ever found a real sheep I would want to wipe my ass on it. Then I was like, "I wouldn't really do it."

Opt: Why not?
Me: Well I don't think it'd be nice to get poo all over the wool
Opt: well they wash it. And think of how soft it would be!
Me: are you kidding? have you ever seen a real sheep? That wool is all gross and matted and hard while it's actually on the sheep. And there's like, twigs sticking out of it and crap.

Then I can't remember where the conversation went, but then I said:

Me: Why would you even put a sheep on something like that to begin with? It's even a little weird to wipe babies' asses with sheep
Opt: Well people want to wipe their baby asses with something soft, the sheep lets you know those wipes are soft.
Me: That seems kind of dumb.
Opt: Yeah. If I made those wipes I would actually put baby asses on them, and have people wipe their babies' asses with baby asses because you know there's nothing softer than a baby's ass. I would wipe my ass with a baby ass!

Then I can't remember where the conversation went, but then we started discussing the mechanics of how one could possibly chip one's tooth while giving a blow job.

The other one, I was talking to the neighbors about how obsessed I am with my couch and how it makes me sad that if I ever move that I can't take it with me and will have to take a saw to it or something. Boy DN said something about maybe after sawing it apart, it could kind of get bolted together again. Girl DN said, "prop it up on a third leg, and it's as good as new!" BDN just looks at her and is like, "A third leg? Man, then the couch would hump you!" And then we started talking about how I'd have to watch my back and not drop anything while the couch was around. Then we got to talking about reupholstering(sp?) the couch so that it looks more hookery since everyone humped it, like bright blue kind of like ugly eyeliner and the rest of the couch hot pink. Or just getting some fabric and making the couch a thong (or crotchless thong, thank you BDN). Then the term "pimp your couch!" was used so I decided we'd have to give the couch hydraulics, and we decided that where the couch was cut in half would be where it went up and down so you could have someone humping it on either side.

Um..... maybe funnier if you discuss people humping your couch as much as I have.