a box of candy smoke in your hair

I dunno if it was the switch to avoid the parents spying on me or what, but I do not feel the urge to blog like I once did. I mean, I do get the nerdy, "I should blog this later" thought when somthing happens to me.... but then I never remember to when I actuall sit down at the computer.

Life's going much as usual, except the bowels have been ultra painful for a bit over a month now. So... at least it started before I moved out, so it doesn't mean moving did it, right?

I hope not.

It also kind of sucks that it happened not long after Vegas, which was the best week and then some I've had bowel-wise in like the last five years. Whenever I've had a particularly good period, I am ultra wimpy the next time a bad spot comes around. It's like "whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger--for a little while, then you get weak again unless it starts happening again right away."

Lastly, the real suck: I have various forms of sickness it seems. Gassiness, painfulness, sickness, frequentness, disgustingness all vary. And while I don't like it when the others go up, I particularly hate when painfulness (especially coupled with frequentness) goes up. It really fuckin' hurts. It's like when you stretch and get a cramp in your arm, only it's at the center of your being, and it's for twenty minutes at a time, over and over. FOR OVER A MONTH.

So.... yeah. That ended up being all about poo. Hrm.

It's always better on holiday

So a gift from Phoexx0r is DEFINATELY something special and classy.

My nephew's birthday was pretty much the first gift giving occaision since I moved out, and I forgot to get wrapping paper for it, or a card. But my parents covered with a gift bag, and my sister (who would obviously be the one reading it, not the nephew) didn't seem to mind that much about no card.

Next gift giving occaision: my Dad's birthday. Again I have no wrapping paper. And this is particularly sad since the place I buy most gifts at has free giftwrapping. I just forget.

So what I did was stuff his gift into a Campell's dinner bakes box, tape it shut, and put a piece of paper over the front of the box that says, "Yay! Dad's gift."

Then, the card... well, I refuse to pay for cards. I just do. Not only are they too expensive but the person like looks at them once and then throws them away. I did used to pay for them back when I lived with my parents because I had extra money to buy BS things like that. But now... no. I would rather just give the person the three dollars or whatever.

So I decided to make one. And I think it possibly out ghetto's the campbell's box. And I don't even know if my dad will find it as funny as I do. Anyway, here it is in all it's glory. At least I put some effort into it. At least as much effort as it takes to go out and buy some stupid card, right? By the way, feel free to print it out and give it to someone yourself (preferably someone who does not have high standards about cards) I'd like to think that I contributed to society today. Also the most ghetto part is that the way it prints out none of the pictures are centered properly when you fold it. But that only makes it better, man.

I'm not in love with the modern world

Me: So my 65 year old coworker told me I had a nice butt tonight.
Ryan: haha
Ryan: hot
Me: yeah and then I realized he's like the only guy ever to hit on me (aside from a couple other encounters with drunk old men)
Me: and I almost shot myself in the head
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: I'm glad you didn't
Ryan: I'd hit that if it would make you not kill yourself
Me: thanks
Me: "so my friend said he'd give me a pity fuck soley to keep me from sucide. That doesn't make me want to commit suicide even more at all."
Ryan: haha
Ryan: I'm here to help!
Me: too bad you suck at it :P
Ryan: haha
Ryan: sorry :Me: I love the laugh
Me: HAHAHHAHA
Me: sorry
Ryan: it's true
Ryan: it was just like that
Ryan: IN MY MIND
Me: lol
Me: man I can't believe I'm so depressed about this
Me: I mean usually I'm fine with being alone
Me: but just every once in awhile something happens that triggers major sadness about it
Me: and I get deeper and deeper into this spiral of "NO MAN WILL EVER LOVE ME"

It's not that I feel I can't live without a man, it's more like, I'd like to try it at least once. And that there must be something deeply wrong with me that like.... no one's even showed the slightest interest. Except apparently drunk old men.

Other than that I had fun at Sista's going away thing. We even did Karaoke, and Jersey busted the karaoke guy's mic and he was pretty pissed.

fucking you is like necrophilia because you're dead to me!

Me: http://home.att.net/~wizardoz/cbmw/cbphpatch.html
Me: YES
Me: I am going to drive everyone INSANE
Ryan: hahah nice
Me: the sad fact is though
Me: if I know all this
Me: they'll either think I'm nerdy like you and love the CB
Me: or am losery enough to have looked itup and memorized it when I learned we were going to have headsets
Ryan: hahah
Phoemeister: I suppose I could still genuinely use 10 100 because I did know that, 10 four good buddy because everyone knows that, and breaker breaker
Me: "there's a bear on my ass!"
Me: haha "Beaver: Woman or girl."
Ryan: haha
Me: "There's this old beaver in here who wants to return her copy of memoirs of a geisha, but she lost her reciept"
Me: "what should I do?"
Ryan: haha
Me: so many of these are useless to me
Me: so it makes me happy when I see one I could use
Me: Coke Stop: A euphemism for a stop to visit the restroom.
Ryan: haha
Me: "I got a coke stop"
Ryan: yeah, then they'll just think you're doing lines of coke in the bathroom
Me: oh I'm also goign to start saying "copy"
Me: you mean that's not what you do when you have a bathroom break?
Me: Dress for Sale: A lady of the evening or prostitute, also known as a "Pavement Princess."
Me: "yeah there's this dress for sale hasslin' me about memoirs of a geisha"
Ryan: hahah
Me: Go-Go Girls: Truckers' term for honest-to-goodness farm animals - pigs. Why pigs are associated with go-go girls is unknown.
Me: "this dress for sale wants to buy a book about olivia the go go girl"
Me: Seat Covers. A woman with a nice pair of legs. Usually, a "nice pair of seat covers." Truckers sit high in their cabs, and they see lots of other things as well.
Ryan: haha
Mer: "there's a dress for sale with a nice pair of seat covers who wants memoirs of a geisha"
Ryan: hahah
Me: apparently there are a lot of hookers who want to read memoirs of a geisha
Ryan: well yeah
Ryan: they're trying to be classy
Ryan: but still learn more about other hookers
Me: haha, you're right
Me: Tightening up The Rubberband: To accelerate, also known as "Putting the Hammer Down
Me: I am putting the hammer down trying to get this copy of memoirs of a geisha, I think that stupid dress for sale is going to kick my ass if I don't.
Ryan: is that like.. when you're making fun of MC Hammer?
Ryan: "man! don't put the hammer down!"
Me: Watch Your Donkey: Warning to move (drive) cautiously because of state or local police coming up from the rear.
Me: "watch your donkey! That dress for sale who wanted memoirs of a geisha is back!"
Me: "What? Yeah, she does have a nice pair of seatcovers."

Rock Island line is a mighty good road

Book talk!


Me: so about once every one or two weeks, I get a different kind of fruit juice
Me: and it lasts me awhile
Me: and then I have the dregs of like five different types of juices along with the new one
Me: so I have bigger and bigger selection
Me: but this last time I got something called strawberry banana nectar and I think I will have swilled down almost all of it in two days
Ryan: haha
Ryan: is it that good?
Me: I guess
Me: I can never buy it again though
Me: because I will get fat from all the sugar in it and have no money for food
Ryan: haha
Me: a fat person dying of malnutrition is pretty sad
Ryan: I say again, HAHA
Me: there's actually a bit in a book I read once about that
Me: it's a comedy, but it's about the apocolypse
Ryan: dying of malnutrition?
Me: fat people dying of malnutritio9n
Ryan: I read a book like that too
Ryan: well maybe not exactly
Me: and Famine is a person and he runs this business that comes up with synthetic food
Ryan: but the aspect of "famine" had these chains of restaurants that servea;lsdkjf
Ryan: a;sdlkfjas;dlkfjasf0-978
Me: LOL
Me: okay
Me: same book
Me: Good Omens
Ryan: yeah
Ryan: awesome book
Me: I love it
Ryan: did you ever read American Gods?
Me: yeah
Me: it's one of my all time favorites
Ryan: I really liked it
Me: Like..... whenever anyone asks me to reccomend anything (though usually they're jagoffs that don't really want MY opinion) I reccomend that
Me: Have you ever read The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul?
Ryan: hmm nope
Me: DUDE
Me: okay, it's by the guy who does the hitchiker books, Douglas Addams
Me: only I don't like the hitchiker books that much
Ryan: they were okay, just a little random and crazy
Me: but basically it's the same premise as american gods but done in a funny way
Me: and it's amazing too
Me: See, Long Dark Tea-Time is funnier, less random than the hitchikers, and ties together perfectly.

In other news, we're getting headsets at work instead of paging people over the intercom. Which really pisses me off. If I wanted to work at the fucking gap I'd.... work at the fucking gap, okay! Stupidest idea ever. I'm going to have fun saying "breaker breaker" on it for like one week, the novelty is going to wear off, and I'll still have to wear a fucking headset like I am a time-life operator standing by.

Lastly I wanted to mention another awesome part of yesterday, which was going out to Denny's at crazy late at night with Sista. She is HILARIOUS, by the way. She says that about me all the time, but I do not pay back the compliment nearly often enough. Lately, I guess because she's quitting, she's been extra goofy, and it cracks me up.

Anyway we were talking about how we both need a man, and our Denny's server was really cute so we started discussing leaving a number for him. I kept being like, "He likes YOU sista!" because it did seem like he kept smiling at her, "If I leave my number he'll be all, I don't want her number I want the other one!"

And Sista's like, "No he'll be like, I don't want the fattie! I want the girl with the ink on her hand!" (because I had stuff written on my had I wanted to remember)

And I was like no, I write on my hand because I'm a retard. He will want fattie over retard. At least you can stop eating.

And she gestured to herself and was like, "APPARENTLY NOT." And we just started laughing our asses off, like.... just insane crazy people laughter. It was awesome.

For the record though, she is not a fattie. But I actually am a retard.

nobody knows you and nobody gives a damn

So.... I don't know if it's my perceptions or what but life has been kind of sucking lately. Like... yesterday I couldn't start my car, and my colitis has been bad etc. etc.

But once in awhile something really nice happens that makes you like the world and people again.

My downstairs neighbor works in a fancy ice cream place and brought by the BEST EVER (I'm not exaggerating) ice cream cake ever to my store. It was rasberry-y and so delicious that I think for a brief moment I saw the baby jesus. That was how good it was. And she basically barely knows me or my crew, just did it to be nice.

Random acts of kindness, people. The only thing that keeps me from climbing up Waterson Tower and picking people off with a sniper rifle.

Oh also I'm happy that the crappy new sup might get disciplined, apparently I'm not the only one he's screwed over. It's bad to gloat at other's misfortune but... *gloats*

So lay down the threat is real

so I left my lights on again and had my battery drain and was late to work and now I'm at the level of occurances where I get my first warning, and my parents are probably irritated all around.

So next time I'll call triple A, which I actually forgot I had, instead of making my poor dad come over.

So what say you and all your friends meet all of my friends in the alley tonight

So I changed my settings so people who don't have blogger can post a comment, I'm sorry that it did that in the first place.

I have to say, unfortuately, I might have to switch again, as I realized I posted a comment under this name on someone else's blog, who I used to link to, who my parent's may or may not visit too. But I'm not going to worry about it for now, especially since I have sitemeter up again and I'll pretty much catch them at it again if it happens. I would think they would have learned their lesson to begin with, but who knows. And if they're frickin' willing to do crazy things like read it from a different computer, it's not worth it to me to be all paranoid about it. They can just read it like before and if I happen to start writing vicious diatribes about them and/or post crazy shit like that I'm developing a crack habit, well, serves them right.

Hell..... it actually is kind of nice to have them know stuff sometimes. I emailed them about Ryan coming, and they're pretty cool about it. And going to Vegas, they flipped out a lot less than I thought they would. Secretly reading my blog apparently gives them time to brace themselves.

I park in handicapped spaces while handicapped people make handicapped faces

So today sucked. I was pooing so much I finally had to go home from work. I feel bad because now I'll have 5 and 1/2 occurances and also another person had to leave that day for funeral arrangements.

But I mean, I was doing more pooing than work....... so technically I was doing them a favor?

I got home and took a nap for like two hours, which was strange as I usually can not nap even if I want to. And when I woke up..... I felt better.

I really wish I knew what was up with my colitis lately. I am thinking of talking to my colon doctor at some point, because it is really getting ridiculous again, but I really don't know what he can do. Especially since anything he WOULD do would require a colonoscopy first, which is basically two days of living hell that would not only obviously suck, but require me to take off work.

Later I went to the nephew's birthday party. He was cute as ever. I have to say I find it annoying that my side of the family is outnumbered 5 to 1 by my brother in law's family at these things, so me and my parents huddle together isolated from the rest of the people there.

I am going to tell my parents about Ryan visiting thru an email tonight, I think. I dont' really want to talk to them face to face about it. But I figure since they obviously already know about it anyway I might as well get the honesty brownie points (however few they may be if my parents have visited the old one and realized that I know they know). I kind of don't want to ruin my dad's birthday if my mom has a cow about it (the 30th), but I also kind of figure I might as well just go ahead and do it now that at least the nephew's birthday is out of the way.

Me: Oh here's something hilarious
Me: I was talking to my friend Hoot today
Me: well, actually she was talking to a customer
Me: and we couldn't find the book for him
Me: so he said he was going to try somewhere else and she was like, "good luck on your quest"
Me: and I made fun of her for calling it a quest
Me: and she was like, "well you do quests all the time, you play world of warcraft. Like what are you, a druid?"

and I was like, "Shit"
and she's like, "what?"
and I had to be like, "I really AM a druid on world of warcraft."
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: burned

broad incision sits across the evening

Ryan: what time is work?
Me: 4
Me: but I just really don't feel like it
Ryan: call in sick, do it
Ryan: do it
Ryan: <--conscience
Me: LOL
Me: you're the bad one though
Me: with the little devil horns
Ryan: I'm both!
Ryan: I told you not to drink and drive
Me: true
Me: maybe it's like in tv
Me: where they look exactly the same except for the horns vs halo
Ryan: haha yeah
Me: so...... like, you came in and tied up the little angel guy
Me: and are now telling me to skip work
Me: and urge me to drink or drive
Me: drink and drive
Ryan: haha
Me: angel you isn't a party pooper!
Me: he endorses small amounts of liquor in a socal setting
Ryan: that's right
Ryan: good me is not a loser
Ryan: he's just honest, frugal, and cares
Ryan: sometimes
Ryan: Bad me is like "YEAH PARTY DO IT ALLLLL"
Ryan: but he's not really bad
Ryan: just misunderstood
Ryan: he had a hard upbringing and tends to take it out on others
Me: good to know
Ryan: He also enjoys the partying
Me: I kind of hope I have good you at the tron party
Me: because I want to enjoy tron, not be stuck vomitting all my tequila
Ryan: bad me will get you to drink lots of tequila, but good me will hold your hair back while you vomit
Me: haha, it's good to have both!

So I accidnently dumped boiling water onto my hand. Which...... obviously sucked. But on the bright side I have a ton of ice left over from the party.


Me: I still find it hilarious that I do this to my hand the one time my freezer is stuffed full of ice
Ryan: haha, hilariously convenient
Me: yeah
Me: "what am I going to do with all this fucking ice?"
Me: ".....oh."

Always blamin' someone else

So the party was a success!

Since people said they would come at various times, I was afraid I'd be like, stuck with one person at a time and it would not be a "real" party. But a lot of people came and some stuck around for quite awhile.

--My friend from high school actually came a good deal earlier than anyone else, so didn't really meet anyone, but perhaps that was for the best. I don't know how all the your mom jokes would go down around her. She brought me flowers! We're going to see a movie sometime!

--Hoot came! She is one of my best friends at work, but we have not really done anything outside of work yet, so I was happy she could come. She brought this chili dip stuff that everyone loved, and a copy of the warped tour cd out right now! The chili dip thing was pretty cool, except it meant no one ate any of the food I bought, which was kind of lame. If there's a next time I don't think I'll go out of my way to make sure there is very good food.

--Opt came! I think she was the life of the party, everyone enjoyed her stories about doing my mom and her pirate jokes! We're going to see a movie tomorrow!

--Kevin came! He brought me this really cool mix CD. I think I would've been pretty mean to him if he hadn't came, because he kept telling me he was going to, and I kept making fun of him because his excuse to not come to my last thing was he was napping.

--My downstairs neighbors came! They seem really cool, though I felt bad sticking them into this huge pile of my work friends, who all know each other, but not them. And also ruining the store for them, because now they'll probably have to make small talk with people when they go there to buy anything. They seemed to enjoy themselves for the most part, though. And they brought me this delicious cookie thing!

--Elaine came! She's another person who's always seemed on the verge of coming to one of my things but hadn't. I think part of the problem is that she lives in "the Pain" as she calls it, and has a bit of a commute. But I was glad she came, and she brought me chocolate! And a card!

--Jazz Hands and her boyfriend came! They were totally fun! She is totally the only new person I truly like, I'm glad she came.

--Carmax brought some random dude who wasn't her husband, it was a little weird. I was really glad to see her though! She promised to hang out with me more in the future! It was pretty funny, both her and Sista could not find the place (it is freakin' dark on my street, and had to phone me to tell me to come outside and make the place known to them).

--Sista came! And we weren't out of margaritas by then, like I was worried might happen, so yay! She's also going to have something soon for her *sniff* going away.

I was pretty glad to have so many friends, and not only that, ones willing to hang out with me. I was a little pissed that Jersey didn't show up, because he's ditched me before several times and I was all like, "you bettter come this time or else." And then he didn't. But he has mono. So... a little less crappy that he just didnt' show up. I kind of am annoyed I burned some stuff for him, though. Now I'll have to bring it to work and have it stickered and all that hoo ha.

People liked my music! I was surprised, usually they just make fun of it, but I got a few appreciative nods and a couple all out, "yay!"s. I think it's because I filtered out all of the emo and kept the Ben Folds level moderate.

I did end up with more tequila than margarita mix, and let everyone know they could use my fruit punch with it and have a "Puncho Villa," as invented by the man who came up with the Cosmonaut (see below), but they all declined. Some were good with non alcoholic beverages anyway.

And because you know it isn't a party until you've gone to the sex offender registration website, we did that as well. This was to see if my creepy across the hall neighbor was one, which many suspect. Mouse and downstairs neighbors have both told me horror stories. Thankfully, we did not find him on there. Though that just might be because he's so good at it he never gets caught. So.... I'm thinking of inventing a burly boyfriend to keep him away from me.

And now I'm back to sitting around my place in the dark in my underwear again. But wearing makeup this time!

all you are to me is dead skin

Me: I hope people appreciate all the work I'm doing to conceal the squalor I live in from them
Ryan: haha
Ryan: I will enjoy hanging out in your covered squalor next month
Me: haha
Me: yeah, I'll have to do it all over again
Me: stupid.......Ryan. Keeping me from living in squalar
Ryan: haha
Me: I love squalor!
Me: you think you're too good for squalor?
Me: too bad!
Me: just because your place was serial killer clean does not mean we all want to live like that
Ryan: haha
Ryan: you love it
Me: well I love killing
Me: but I secretly want to be caught
Me: so I'm very messy and leave evidence


Me: I'm beginning to feel like I moved out just so I could sit around in the dark in my underwear
Ryan: yeah it's awesome isn't it?
Ryan: i'm naked right now!
Me: I've also decided I have to have a rockin' playlist for my party
Me: but I'm also so lazy that I don't feel like doing it
Me: I just want to sit in the dark in my underwear listening to Say Anything
Me: maybe I can overtake the crepey guy in my building in creepyness
Ryan: that's not that creepy
Me: I dunno. I was thinking the Say Anything was the creepy bit
Me: Alive With the Glory of Love is pretty weird
Me: and the one about killing little girls
Me: haha, for my party I should just have all my creepiest songs
Phoemeister: Goodbye Horses
John Wayne Gacy
Alive With the Glory of Love
Bad Touch
Sex Type Thing
Ryan: and sit around in your underwear?
Me: yeah
Ryan: sounds like my kind of party!
Me: well we can do that when you come
Ryan: haha awesome
Ryan: I will bring my special underwear just in case
Phoemeister: you mean "good times, great nuts"?
Ryan: these are the ones that have the crotch and the ass cut out
Ryan: so it's basically just a waistband
Me: niiiice.
Me: I didn't know those were your special ones
Me: I thought they were all like that
Me: that's what you wear every time you're on Cops, anyway
Ryan: it's true
Ryan: that and the torn up wifebeater
Ryan: and that eyepatch
Me: that's what you should wear at the airport when we pick you up
Ryan: that would be awesome
Ryan: bring your parents too

Adlai! Adlai!

Ryan: some kids just came in here
Ryan: and said your drawing was "tight"
me: haha
me: niiiiiice
me: it's still up?
me: did you take credit
me: because you've always wanted to be tight?
Ryan: haha nooo
Ryan: I said a friend of mine drew it
Me: were they like "you lie you have no friends"?
Me: "and/or do you just randomly let people in here?"
Ryan: haha
Ryan: nooo
Ryan: they just said "cool"
Ryan: and then asked for their printer cartridge
Me: haha
Ryan: whcih I don't think I have
Me: seriously, the fact that you're always alone in there would freak me out if I were a kid and came in there and you said your friend did it
Me: especially that type of drawing
Me: more than one person has told me it's the drawing of the mentally disturbed
Ryan: "yes, my friend.. he's sitting right over there"

this honkey's gone to heaven

Best. Line. Ever.

Opt: You should feel good about yourself, because I go out on all of these horrible dates and have to endure horrible people, but you don't.
Me: Yeah, I like how you make it sound like this is a choice on my part. Like I was like, "I want to die old and alone.
Opt: Hey, it's better than dying old and with a chode.

like some disgraced cosmonaut

Ryan: Mike decided not to go camping
Ph0exx0r: yeah, he got drunk instead
Ryan: haha
Ph0exx0r: man, you know that you are an alcoholic when you're sitting there drinking vodka and tang
Ryan: haha
Ph0exx0r: it was hilarious
Ph0exx0r: he just got drunker and drunker
Ryan: I had a cosmonaut, because I invented it.. so I had to try it
Ryan: but yeah he got pretty sloshed
Ph0exx0r: "brb........ I need more tang"
Ph0exx0r: HAHA, that's what you call it?
Ryan: yeah
Ryan: vodka + tang = cosmonaut
Ryan: it was the only logical name!
Ph0exx0r: well I was talking to a friend today about alcohol, and she mentioned how ghetto kool aid and gin is, so I brought up vodka and tang
Ph0exx0r: and I told her I thought the guy who was doing it (Mike) was an alcoholic
Ryan: haha because he is
Ph0exx0r: and then I told her he told me he said alcoholics have a drinking problem, he's very gifted at drinking
Ryan: haha
Ph0exx0r: and she said he should've said, "No, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings."
Ph0exx0r: and I thought that was the best drunkard comeback ever
Ryan: haha yeah that's pretty good
Ph0exx0r: now that I know the name though
Ph0exx0rr: it makes it slightly less sad
Ph0exx0r: at least he was drinking a funny ghetto drink
Ryan: I looked it up, and I found that it apparently was already created back in like.. the 70's, but the "origin is unknown"
Ryan: so I'm convinced that I went back in time
Ryan: and created it then
Ryan: because I came up with it

.......man, trying to do the linebreaks in that one sucked. I wonder why doing a new blog is making it crappy to do this :/

we made love like a pair of black wizards

By the way, people were always asking me how to to pronounce my old user name, so here's how to pronounce the new one, before you even have to ask!

I will accept: feex-er, feeker, fox-er, focker, fucker, fucks-her, folk-er.

That is all. No deviations!

They tremble with the nervous thought of having been at last forgot

So this is my new blog. Because my parents found the old one. Really, I should've been more careful, I used to pull it up on the home computer all the time. Still I don't know if it gives them (or maybe her, I'm pretty sure this is my mom's doing) the right.

...damn, I just tried pasting in an AIM convo, and it didn't work the way it should on here. Stupid... blogger. If I don't figure out how to do that this is going to suck because we all know how much I like to post AIM convo.

Yeah, I'm reduced to using "convo" instead of my patented short-term for conversations, because I'm afraid they'll do a search on the word and find it. I'm going to have to alter some of my strange nicknames for people too.

Damn stupid..... things.

Anyway I thought I had a lot built up since I hadn't posted in awhile, but I don't really. I guess all you really need to know right now is that World of Warcraft is ruining my life.