I was kind of depressed a lot of the day. Not depressed like I was pre-paxil, but more depressed than I'd been since then. It started out with me sleeping too much, again, and getting mad at myself for wasting my day yet again.

Then at work I get this email from my boss basically saying that this guy complained to his agent that I was rude to him, did not let him speak to a supervisor when he wanted to, and hung up on him.

Okay, rude can be sort of subjective. I know people who think I'm being rude when I don't think I'm not. But the other things he said are a baldfaced lie. I was really upset about it, even though I knew my boss would believe me (and sort of glad that I had my old boss still here for this as opposed to the new guy we're getting soon who wouldn't know me). But it was upsetting, and I was still nervous even if my boss did back me up, sometimes those things go on your record.

Anyway later I pepped up a bit when I was talking to Josh on my break. Which, I'm glad it pepped me up but I feel slightly guilty as the conversation was basically about bad stuff that happened to him. But its not like the bad stuff cheered me up, just talking to him cheered me up, it happened to be about bad stuff.

Then now I'm feeling a lot better, because my boss and I talked about it and apparently this guy complaining about me is crazy, and made about the same accusations of another rep in our Florida office, and is making weird crazy accusations of the other driver involved in the accident. It's not going to go on my record or anything like that at all.

Every day I mean to get things done (which is pretty much every day, since I don't ever actually get them done) I sleep instead. I don't know if it goes in cycles or what, I was sleeping all the time when I first got on the antidepressants, then it sort of got better, but now I'm doing it again.

I think both of those guys are me.

The most memorable part of my christmas? Almost getting mowed down by my dad's car. The "almost" is what makes me think it's hilarious, rather than being angry about it.

But basically everything around here is still covered with ice from a storm we had a little while ago, including my sister's super-sloped driveway. I attempted to park on it, but couldn't get up on it all the way, and so parked across the street. My dad, however, had more persistance and after 3 times managed to get up far enough to park. Meanwhile, I make it across the street and am walking up the driveway. I can't even walk up the damn thing, I start sliding. My brother in law advises the other side is a little less slippery, so I start to walk behind my dad's car to get over there. Of course, that's when the car, even parked, can no longer stay on the driveway, and slides down the driveway and into the road. I got out of the way in time, his car didn't hit anything else either, but it was funny. That driveway was insane, though. My sister's little miniature snauzer started jumping on me and almost knocked me over because it was so tilted and slippery, I can't imagine how fun it would be to have a huge car knock me over and try to slide over me. But, like I said, more funny than scary in general.

So we ate good food, I got frustrated at my nephew not following the rules at games, watched some movies, opened gifts.

I got: a tree planted in my name in one of our national forests, giftcards to Meijer, Noodles, & potbelly, mounds of chocolate, one of those reed air freshner thingys, 7th season scrubs & a couple excercise DVDs, a couple of books, a cd.

I guess it's the antidepressants or whatever, but work had been feeling better for a long time. Yeah, I got the occaisonal asshole, but I was able to shrug it off. Anyway, this is me working up to the fact that today I felt like I was being shat on constantly, like at least half the people who called me today were jerks. I really get tired of people who make me repeat things over and over because they don't want to believe my orig. answer, and then act like I'm the useless one just because I am not magic and don't have the capabilities to meet their impossible expectations. Anyway, I'm not about to shuffle off into a depression spiral again or anything, I was just good and ready to leave for the day like half an hour into my shift.

I am still kind of freaked out by deciding what I should do with myself... I thought maybe since work has been better lately I should stick it out until I can get promoted to something I want to do rather than just applying for everything there is. But I am pretty sure it's impossible to get promoted anywhere worthwhile at this point. It seems like the only way to get anywhere is by spending years of unpleasantness in the auto claims dept, which I can't get into anyway. I often wonder where I went wrong, to end up in this position where I don't enjoy what I do, there's no way to get promoted, and quitting would only screw me worse. But again... I'm not completely depressed, I don't dwell on this. I just think about it sometimes. It's good to have any job with this economy, and I do respect the actual company and my direct leadership.

I'm pretty happy that it's Christmas time, that is one nice thing about not working in retail anymore, I can actually enjoy it again. I loved hanging out with Josh and exchanging presents, and have Weds & Thurs this week to look forward to doing the same with my family.

1) MY COMPUTER IS FIXED, YAAAAAY!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Josh, for letting me reap the rewards of your tireless efforts.

2) I got christmas gifts from Josh as well! He got me a good game (Infernal Contraption, expansion for Infernal Contraption), massive amounts of candy, massive amounts of chapstick, a poop a day calendar, and a poop log (where I can record the details of my bowel movements). The coup de grace: a tee shirt that says, "Day man, fighter of the night man, champion of the sun, you're a master of karate and friendship for everyone." If you don't get that, it's okay, it's a reference to a TV show you probably don't watch. But trust me, it's hilarious. I gave him two frisbee golf discs, two games (Lost Cities, Caesar & Cleopatra) and some stocking stuffers.

3) I am a bad friend:

Ryan: and still trying to get all the madness going for the wedding
me: have you guys set a date?
Ryan: uh yeah like.. three days from now
Had I not mentioned that?
me: WHAT
no
congratulations
Ryan: wow we really need to talk more
me: apparently

This is a nasty, nasty virus. I've tried a bunch of antiviruses and spyware removers, and some of them don't find it and some of them won't even start. Someone made it so the virus can protect itself, I guess. My friend Ryan the IT guy is almost out of ideas. I think I might, as much as this pains me, pay money for someone to fix it somewhere, and let THEM tear out their highly paid hair over it.

I guess I just have poor luck with computers... My first computer ALWAYS had something or other wrong with it (apparently Windows ME breaks computers even before you buy them), my second one is the one I had to say goodbye to recently when it was fried by a powersurge even though there had been no thunderstorm. And now this fucking thing, the computer's less than a year old. I'm tired, I just want things to work the way they're supposed to.

Dunno if it actually is myspace or not, but I'm pretty pissed. This fucking virus will not load any antivirus-related website I type in the url for, and if I go to google and click on the link I'm totally redirected to something non-related. Even in safemode. Even in safemode in firefox.

So I got a computer virus. I'm pretty sure it's from fuckin' myspace, as I was doing nothing else at the time it happened.

I scanned and found some trojan files, but I am pretty sure I still have it because it won't let me update my antivirus or go to windows update. Anyone have any ideas on how to fix it?

So I'm kind of bummed, my supervisor got promoted and so is moving to California. So I'm happy for him, but sad for me and my teammates. The thing is, I'd be annoyed at anyone new anyway, because he sort of knows what I've been going through the last year and cuts me a little slack. Plus, he's very big on helping with career development, and I don't know if the new person would be. It sort of reminds me of the school bus when I was little... the old driver LOVED me and knew I was a good kid. She quit and we got a new one, some mean kids started something with me the first day, we got in trouble, and she had me pegged as a troublemaker for the rest of her tenure as bus driver, just because we got off to a bad start. Lastly, I'm tired of explaining my colitis every time I get a supervisor change. I wish it was just on my file somewhere.

Secondly, it's not even going to be one of the other supervisors around, necessarily (there is talk that it could end up being this one coordinator who subbed once when our supervisor was on vacation). It's going to be a person new to the job. So... they're going to be too busy actually learning the job to help with career development or anything, that's how I got off to a bad start in the first place (when I orig. started I had another person subbing who didn't know what she was doing and she was always too busy to give me advice). Also, new people tend to come down harder on employees, just cause they don't know where the line is yet and they want to show they can hack it.

I don't know... maybe I am just nervous. I have the best call handle time on the team, so I can't look that bad to a new sup? I'm just nervous because I don't think I have procedure 100%. Our supervisor sort of never actually did the job, so sometimes had things wrong or told us the wrong thing to do. Sometimes I caught it, but I don't know if I could catch it every time. Plus, a lot of supervisors have different things they like to focus on, I've had a couple of other people listen to my calls and look for totally different things than my supervisor used to look for.

So last night, I had a dream that I bought a baby and shoes from an online shoe store.

Considering I hate babies AND shoes....

Bleh. I really, really need to get into the habit of cleaning up after myself again. When I was in the depths of depression I really let it slide, but now that I'm not, it just seems to never actually happen. Now part of it is I've been crunched for time, as I seem to sleep a lot more lately, but I've had all day, and have really gotten not much done but the dishes (admittedly - 3 loads, with about half a load left). Part of it is I did have to do some Christmas shopping (It is really, really hard to shop for my nephews since they already have 12 of everything) and grocery shopping. And when I got home I was tired from shopping and hauling everything up my stairs.

I guess the big problem is that I've always been someone who cleans more when they have company, and I just haven't lately, except for Josh, who is super nice and always tells me he doesn't mind if my place is dirty. So I let it build up and build up until it's a monumental chore and I just don't feel like doing it. For instance: I'm probably only even cleaning now (though it severely needs done) because Josh is visiting soon, and however nice he is, I don't want it to be a TOTAL filth-hole when he arrives. And when was the last time I cleaned? 3 weeks ago when Josh visited me. I really need to get more done gradually instead of trying to do it all at once at the 11th hour, or fucking learn to put things in the trash or away immediately after I am done with them. On the bright side, I am almost done with Christmas shopping, all I have left is my sister and her husband and they both have wishlists on Amazon.

You know what? Antidepressants are fucking AWESOME. When they work properly and all that.

The first week, I was like, WHEEEEE YAY NOT CRYING ALL THE TIME ANYMORE.

Then the couple weeks after that the novelty wore off and I was bummed out about my job and whatever all my existing worries are. Not to the point of crying or the amount of upset that I was before, but yeah, I was bummed. And it made me mad. My attitude was, "stupid antidepressants!" It also makes me mad that I still don't want to clean my house. I mean I don't really like cleaning (which not that many people do) and this place has gotten to be a shithole since I've been depressed. Because I didn't feel like I had the energy to do it. And I thought once I was happier I could keep this place clean again. But I never feel like I have the oomph to do it. I've also been sleeping a lot... not sure why. Not like more drowsy or tired or anything, I just try to get up in the morning and I fall right back to sleep. So it made me mad that the antidepressants didn't just instantly fix that.

But yeah the last couple of days I've been thinking, and I really think I have noticed an improvement in my life. Like.... I hadn't even noticed it, but the last year or so I've been hanging with my dad because I HAVE to, as opposed to because I WANT to. And I mean, part of that is probably him, because he's been upset too. But the last few times I've hung out with him, I've really had fun and enjoyed myself. I actually found myself trying to draw out visits to make them longer so I can hang with him more even when we weren't particularly doing anything.

And work... work! Drugs make my job like 100% better. I'm not saying it's like my favorite thing of all time to be there, or to do the work, but it's tolerable. Horrible people don't make me freak out and cry, I don't have to talk myself into not quitting 20 minutes every day before my shift starts.

And another thing lately that's made me happy at work (which the drugs didn't do this, but I think they might've prompted me to make this change) is I've started sitting in a different area. Now... my job doesn't really give you time for a lot of talking, or at least it hasn't in the past, but the past couple months we've been out of queue and you actually CAN talk to people. I used to sort of sit around people from my orig. training class that I sort of knew, about my age or younger. And I am actually sort of friends with one or two of them, but they get into these conversations amongst themselves and I get boxed out and have nothing to jump in with. However, I started to sit by these older people (not old old, but not in my age group) lately who are AWESOME, which I'd never thought to do when I was fatalistic and depressed, even though I've known them for some time now. It's basically Todd who I know from being on my team, Sally from Toastmasters, and Connie from both. I don't know why I typically get along better with people older than me, but I do, this isn't the first example. But yeah, people my age are boring and only talk about fashion and celebrities if they're girls, sports if they're boys, or bars if they'r either, which I definitely don't give a shit about. But Todd talks about this cool screenplay he's writing. Sally talks about her bizarre children who do things like telling her that vicks vaporub tissues are not good to use on one's genitals. Connie talks about her awesome parrots, and is one of the few people I was able to talk to at work about my mom being sick. And they all enjoy my random non sequiturs and strangeness for what it is instead of being too typical to get it.

But yeah, since the anti depressants I really, really enjoy being around people more. Like.... I missed being around people because I didn't get that much interaction, and it would be fun when I was with people, but now I have just gone into another gear where I even enjoy people I don't know too well. I think maybe it's because I've been more pleasant & extroverted to be around. I actually mentioned the antidepressants to Connie today (we were talking about what a shitty year it has been for both of us, and I confessed that this year was so bad I had to go on antidepressants) and she said she and a few other people had actually noticed I was coming out of my shell more the last few weeks and they think it's awesome. The only thing I do have to make sure I do is to not talk more than work, that was something I had to struggle with at my old job.

Anyway, I had a good day. I had 2 hours of working on this random-ass wreath decorating project (our supervisor was away and no one else told us until late) with Connie, which was fun. I made paper snowflakes, because that is my specialty, and she made a bow and little State Farm ornaments. It doesn't look the best of any wreath, but it at least looks like we put some effort into it. Plus, 2 hours off the phone, man! Then I had 2 hours of refresher training, which is boring but easy. Then I had an hour of Toastmasters, which always makes me happy. Toastmasters people are my favorite, I think we somehow manage to get all the nerds in one room those days, and nerds are my peeps.

So I guess all I got to do is stop procrastinating about cleaning.

So today, my Dad and I were at Meineke (yeah, we've been hanging out a lot lately, I'm beginning to think of us as buddy cops) and I saw, I kid you not, a laminated Peoria Journal Star from when Kennedy was assasinated. It confused me a lot at first because I didn't realize it was old, and it said, "Chief is Slain." And forgive me for being racist, but I went right to, "What indian was it?" I know that the prez is our commander in chief, but who would put it that way? But then I saw a picture of LBJ under it saying something like, "Vice president reluctantly takes the reins." Don't you mean "vice chief," crappy writer from Peoria Journal Star from the 60's?

But that top half is just a digression. The bizarre bit is: why does an auto repair place have a newspaper from when JFK was assasinated up in their window right next to their disturbing cartoon version of George Foreman extolling the virtues of their shop? I asked my dad and he said he thought it was probably just decoration. But it's not a TGIF or a Chili's, man. They have no other historical memorabilia, and they didn't even have it up last time I was at Meineke. I dunno. The weird world makes me laugh.

This was inspired by a conversation I had with my dad trying to convince him to buy a jerky maker whilst conducting other business at Farm & Fleet. He thought it was funny, and the cashier did as well. Yes, that's right, at Farm and Fleet, they don't put gum or candy up at the registers, they put ginormous expensive jerky makers by the registers, cause by god, they know an impulse buy when they see one.