You know what? Antidepressants are fucking AWESOME. When they work properly and all that.

The first week, I was like, WHEEEEE YAY NOT CRYING ALL THE TIME ANYMORE.

Then the couple weeks after that the novelty wore off and I was bummed out about my job and whatever all my existing worries are. Not to the point of crying or the amount of upset that I was before, but yeah, I was bummed. And it made me mad. My attitude was, "stupid antidepressants!" It also makes me mad that I still don't want to clean my house. I mean I don't really like cleaning (which not that many people do) and this place has gotten to be a shithole since I've been depressed. Because I didn't feel like I had the energy to do it. And I thought once I was happier I could keep this place clean again. But I never feel like I have the oomph to do it. I've also been sleeping a lot... not sure why. Not like more drowsy or tired or anything, I just try to get up in the morning and I fall right back to sleep. So it made me mad that the antidepressants didn't just instantly fix that.

But yeah the last couple of days I've been thinking, and I really think I have noticed an improvement in my life. Like.... I hadn't even noticed it, but the last year or so I've been hanging with my dad because I HAVE to, as opposed to because I WANT to. And I mean, part of that is probably him, because he's been upset too. But the last few times I've hung out with him, I've really had fun and enjoyed myself. I actually found myself trying to draw out visits to make them longer so I can hang with him more even when we weren't particularly doing anything.

And work... work! Drugs make my job like 100% better. I'm not saying it's like my favorite thing of all time to be there, or to do the work, but it's tolerable. Horrible people don't make me freak out and cry, I don't have to talk myself into not quitting 20 minutes every day before my shift starts.

And another thing lately that's made me happy at work (which the drugs didn't do this, but I think they might've prompted me to make this change) is I've started sitting in a different area. Now... my job doesn't really give you time for a lot of talking, or at least it hasn't in the past, but the past couple months we've been out of queue and you actually CAN talk to people. I used to sort of sit around people from my orig. training class that I sort of knew, about my age or younger. And I am actually sort of friends with one or two of them, but they get into these conversations amongst themselves and I get boxed out and have nothing to jump in with. However, I started to sit by these older people (not old old, but not in my age group) lately who are AWESOME, which I'd never thought to do when I was fatalistic and depressed, even though I've known them for some time now. It's basically Todd who I know from being on my team, Sally from Toastmasters, and Connie from both. I don't know why I typically get along better with people older than me, but I do, this isn't the first example. But yeah, people my age are boring and only talk about fashion and celebrities if they're girls, sports if they're boys, or bars if they'r either, which I definitely don't give a shit about. But Todd talks about this cool screenplay he's writing. Sally talks about her bizarre children who do things like telling her that vicks vaporub tissues are not good to use on one's genitals. Connie talks about her awesome parrots, and is one of the few people I was able to talk to at work about my mom being sick. And they all enjoy my random non sequiturs and strangeness for what it is instead of being too typical to get it.

But yeah, since the anti depressants I really, really enjoy being around people more. Like.... I missed being around people because I didn't get that much interaction, and it would be fun when I was with people, but now I have just gone into another gear where I even enjoy people I don't know too well. I think maybe it's because I've been more pleasant & extroverted to be around. I actually mentioned the antidepressants to Connie today (we were talking about what a shitty year it has been for both of us, and I confessed that this year was so bad I had to go on antidepressants) and she said she and a few other people had actually noticed I was coming out of my shell more the last few weeks and they think it's awesome. The only thing I do have to make sure I do is to not talk more than work, that was something I had to struggle with at my old job.

Anyway, I had a good day. I had 2 hours of working on this random-ass wreath decorating project (our supervisor was away and no one else told us until late) with Connie, which was fun. I made paper snowflakes, because that is my specialty, and she made a bow and little State Farm ornaments. It doesn't look the best of any wreath, but it at least looks like we put some effort into it. Plus, 2 hours off the phone, man! Then I had 2 hours of refresher training, which is boring but easy. Then I had an hour of Toastmasters, which always makes me happy. Toastmasters people are my favorite, I think we somehow manage to get all the nerds in one room those days, and nerds are my peeps.

So I guess all I got to do is stop procrastinating about cleaning.