Tell him his poetry stinks and then kick him down the stairs!

Today was fan-freaking-tastic. I don't know about you, but any day that involves Cary Grant angrily shouting, "tell him his poetry stinks and then kick him down the stairs!" into a phone is pretty good. But then I had the added bonuses as follows:

1) I got to see my grandpa! Granted, he was a little more interested in the children than me, but still. He's grandpa! He's the one that once taught me this poem:

"the trapezeman flies with the greatest of class
he missed the trapeze and he falls on the.... grass."

2) My grandpa witnessing the glory that is my 3 year old nephew saying, "Do you want tickets to the gun show? They're right over there!" I am SO proud.

3) I got to hang out with a new friend! Though technically I've known this guy for a retardedly long time without putting in the required effort to make him hang out with me. We saw the aforementioned Cary Grant movie, and we came up with the idea for a buddy cop show about a pyromaniac zombie and a vampire hunter.

4) I got to speak with the aforementioned person's mother on the phone. It was awesomely awkward.

5) The new Iphone came out today! Awesome!

Stevenson: So, did you get an Iphone?
Me: um
Me: no
Me: why?
Stevenson: My store is right next to a Cingular store, and there were people camping out.
Stevenson: It was retarded.
Me: haha lame
Stevenson: I only bring it up because I'm looking at a website where somebody dissected one.
Me: is it awesome inside?
Me: does it remind you of hooker entrails?
Stevenson: I have no idea what all this crap in here is.
Me: that's how I feel when I look at hooker entrails
Me: that doesn't keep me from wearing them as a hat though

6) I got an AWESOME letter from GDN. And another small frog from the DNs. Yes, I now own 4 frogs as given to me by the DNS. I love this. I need to come up with Dschinghis Khan-based names for them.

I shoot, you run

Life: pretty much as usual.

I wore my new Sufjan tee shirt to work today. DKWTA (douchebag kid who will talk to anyone) got the reference, which was kind of interesting. He's up slightly a peg in my estimation. I still kind of think he's a douchebag, and we aren't really friends (despite the fact that he is probably the one I work with who most talks to me). But it was nice to have someone get it.

Tomorrow I have to hang out with my family. Man, it's nice that my parents love me and everything, but I have to say I really need a day off where I don't hang out with them. Or at least don't spend the whole day with them. Tomorrow was going to be that day, but then my grandpa came into town. So obviously, I'm not going to be a dick and not come over.

One slightly irritating thing, though, is the fact that he didn't tell me he was coming, nor will make any attempt to see me, because he will just go to see his great grand kids. So once again, it is I who has to last minute-ly ditch all my plans and come over there because no one told me. I'm still going to see if I can get the night off, though. I feel like a jerk, because last time he visited I dumped my plans and specifically said, "grandpa, I would definitely drop my plans for you any time." But the plans I dumped were with a friend who I saw all the time anyway, and it wasn't for sure plans anyway. Whereas this time, I have nebulous sort of plans with someone I only have a burgeoning friendship with and don't want to fuck it up. And again, I also find it annoying that just because I haven't popped out a couple of kids of my own, no one wants to visit me. I figured out ONE DAY ahead of time, secondhand.

I used to feel really guilty about not trying hard enough with him, but whenever I call, I never get a call back. And the aforementioned annoyingness with visiting and not telling me.

It's also annoying, my parents are like that too. They'll pick me up for stuff... but we never do anything at my house, we always have to do something at my sister's. Becuase I don't have any babies. And even before she had kids, it was pretty rough going trying to get my sister to do anything with me.

yippee ki yaaaaaaaaaaaay motherfucker!

I want this video to have my babies.

Think long, think think

I hate, hate, hate personality tests. Does this mean I have a bad personality? Probably.

I was hoping there would be a typing test involved in this interview. My crappy-personality self kicks ass at those. But no such luck. There wasn't even an interview, per se. Just the tests.

Anyhow, what I hate is how subjective they are. Several questions involved "I would get my supervisor," as a possible solution. At Borders, hell yeah I would get a supervisor. We were supposed to get a supervisor if anyone started getting angry at all. At the job I have now, we pretty much have to sit there and take it. How do I know what the policy is at this place? My policy is, "I do what I'm told to do, but I can think on my own if needed." which I'm sure most employers would love, if they only asked about and could be sure the person was telling the truth.

And even more loathesome was a test where they would give you a group of adjectives and you had to rank them by what is most like yourself. Which always sucks, because there will be a group of all good ones and you're like, "all of these are me," and you have to decide which they're most looking for or something. Or they have all bad ones, and you have to decide which is least like you, and again, you either have all of them or none of them and it makes ranking difficult. And lately creativity, which is something I feel I have a lot of, I've been feeling like I have to down play it, which annoys me. I've been told point blank at job interviews that creativity is actually undesirable because it's not really part of the job and if you have it, you probably have the urge to use it, which would probably be a bad thing in this job. But I kind of don't want to downplay it, in case this particular place actually does value it.

Whatever. I don't even hear whether or not I get a real interview until like July 10.

your blood, your bones, your voice, your ghost

LIVE FREE DIE HARD!!!

I just saw it. It made me happy. All during work today I'm going to imagine John McLane getting the crap kicked out of him and then killing the people who did it.

Speaking of work, I have some new comics that I actually haven't uploaded, so don't let me forget. You'd think if I put the effort into drawing them that I would actually go the extra mile and actually upload them to geoshitties, but... no. This is probably how I end up forgetting about them so much and then finding them on my computer later.

physics makes us all its bitches

Did anyone else notice this about Star Wars III? I'm just curious, because it was my favorite part (lifted from an AIM conver I was having):

Phoemeister: one nerdy film studies thing I like about the third one
Phoemeister: is the scene where palpatine is tempting him to turn to the dark side
Phoemeister: and they're sitting in a balcony watching some show, and it's dark except for the light coming from the show
Phoemeister: so when Anakin is facing the show and talking to palpatine, his face is lit up, but then every time Palpatine says something and he turns to look at him, he LITERALLY turns to the dark side
Phoemeister: because his face goes out of the light

a little punk

I'm so tiiiiired. I guess it didn't help that I had a horriffic time trying to sleep last night. But that + chasing around the phew a couple hours = ready to pass out (though, just watch, I will totally still have trouble falling asleep).

Seriously, I don't know what I'm going to do when PH is old enough that they can double team me. Speaking of which, even though I'm not a big fan of babies, PH is cool. I got a chance to hold him for the first time today, and he is much more mellow than the Phew was at that age. AKA, he let me hold him without crying (I don't think in the entire time the Phew was a baby I ever managed to hold him more than five minutes without him crying). He actually let me put him to sleep, which I never had managed with the Phew either. He seems to like my renditions of Wolf Parade songs. So, of course, that makes him awesome (for a baby).

Now I'm going to pass out.

So.... I think I must be getting better at compartmentalizing my hate and saving it for comics, because I had a day at work that would've made me want to break things (and people) today had I had it a few weeks ago. But now.... I guess they've broken my spirit, I only really feel the vague despair and urge for candy/ice cream I've been feeling in general lately.

But yeah, today I had several horrible foreigners (I'm never without foriegners, but they can range from not too bad to horrible), a couple horrible/retarded old people, some douchebag car salesmen, some douchebags in general, and last but not least my very first obscene phone call at work. When it rains, it pours, eh?

I am your main supplier

Oh my god, this comic I just made makes me laugh. I hope you enjoy it too. And the bottom part IS true, so you'd think people would not want to piss me off.

Err...

STARTING the day after I got the money toad. I think I would be scared if it all happened in one day.

I clung to the stretcher, I drew them a heart

So today was pretty good. I applied for a PT job at a Libary a little while back, I finally got a call back and am going to have an interview soon. You know, I hate to be superstitious, but I think that money toad the DN's got me awhile back is fucking awesome and scary. Seriously, the day after I got it:

--Borders started giving me more hours

--State Farm, who I'd interviewed with a million times before, finally hired me

--I found my old wallet with a bunch of money on it

--a Libary that never gave me the time of day before this is giving me an interview.

Anyway, I really, really hope I get this job. It might be a lot of time working (it's 20-some hours, and my other job is 30) which I'm not crazy about, but seriously, since most of my friends moved away, I do NOTHING all day every day. I feel like I waste so much time. Even when I am working, I feel less productive than I did at Borders, because I basically do the same thing over and over again. At Borders, I grew a lot as a person and made a ton of friends, but I feel like I'm losing all that ground now. And also, I worked at Borders partly for the love. Sure, there was money. And sure, there was a LOT of hate by the end. But there were things (people) that I loved about it, and I probably would even stupidly go back there (part time) if I could somehow un-retardify Tami.

So I'm thinking this second job might possibly be a way to not waste my time, maybe meet more people, make loads more money, decide whether or not I actually like librarianing enough to make it a career like I have been thinking about for over 5 years now (yes, even before I went into TV I was considering Library school). If nothing else, I can save all the money I'm making till I get vacation and then blow it all on visiting my friends who no longer (or never did) live near here.

Speaking of friendships, at work I really, really want the following people to be my friend:

the George Michael woman from my comic. I think I'm making a little progress, we email each other back and forth about douchebag customers sometimes.
the guy who gave me tips on getting past the security guards with explosives in my shoes. Tonight we walked out at the same time again and we discussed freak escalator accidents and he mentioned something from fight club.

People I'm also possibly making headway with:

the moderately douchebag kid who will talk to anyone.
the kid who thinks I'm old that I compared to a centaur.

At this rate, I should be friends with these four people in about 20 years. Awesome.

on one side, the bad half live in wickedness

I guess I'm going through one of my rare creative spells. This one, I'm particularly proud of, it's called, I Wish I Worked at Aflac.

And even more strangely, I think I kind of have a few more ideas for ones.

I know you think I'm just another sucker perpetrator

Things I've done lately:

Saw Serenity on the big screen in Champaign. For charity, no less. Though to be honest, evs. I'm poor, and I use it as an excuse to be a dick and hardly ever give to charity.

Saw Immortal Beloved. On the scale of Gary Oldman movies it ranks just below True Romance and considerably above Sid & Nancy (to me there is a good-sized gap between the horribleness of that movie and everything else of his I've seen).

Saw Strange Brew. Which I've been meaning to see for like 80 years now. On the scale of Rick Moranis movies.... oh, who am I kidding. Honey I Shrunk the Kids was an awesome movie. There's a huge ant!

Saw Ocean's 13 with my one remaining friend from high school. We have this weird friendship where one or the other of us occaisionally remembers that the other one exists and will call them up to do something. Bonus fun: she is uber christian, and I get to pretend like I don't joke about burning hookers every day. But really, she is fun to hang out with, even if we don't have that much in common anymore. And I saw the first 2 Oceans with her, so yeah. By the way, the new Oceans is a turd, and I knew this going into it, but I had to see it anyway for old time's sake.

Random things I'm proud of saying to strangers lately:

"You smell like my mom. No wonder Opt likes to do you." -- to Opt's boyfriend who I barely know.

"You're like a centaur! I mean, I wanted to go with "unicorn," but I thought you might think that was a little girly." -- to a guy at work who I barely know.

comics

Comics!

This one was an incident I'd been debating making into a comic for awhile but decided it would be a HUGE pain in the ass to draw it as originally intended.

This one I randomly found on my computer from a long time ago. I drew it for Opt because she got ran over by someone on a bike.

Another old thing (really old, from my time at WEEK) I found on my computer. Based on actual directions I was given once.

Last but not least, I found an old one meant to go up into the almost defunct group of comics I used to do where I took a really weird google search someone had used to find my blog and illustrated it (basically ripping off Spamusement.com). I don't know why, but sitemeter doesn't record referring searches anymore. But anyway, here it is, "Niggas Appreciate Honkeys".

What I've learned from these comics is that I think my rendering of blood has gotten better, but there's no way I could improve on the awesome anchor hair.

Anyway, I really hate my job. Like... really hate it. Even on the good days. And on the bad days..... well, just don't be surprised if I make world headlines for figuring out how to choke a bitch THROUGH A TELEPHONE.

painting without colors tends to make it better

A LOT of Comics.

this one is about this chick who sat near me the other day. She actually did say all of this to the customer. It was glorious.

this one did not happen.

this one is true.

this one is just a random thought I had.

will you stay near me now?

I love how I can make something like the miracle of birth for someone else, all about me.

Seriously, I'm a double aunt today! Which makes me happy, PH (Phew Harder) is finally here. But this is how I made it about me:

My sister said, "We will probably be in the hospital until Sunday. Usually they make you stay at least two nights."

And I thought, "Hmm, I don't remember her having to stay that long last time."

And then, "Oh, yeah, I was in the hospital myself the day after she had her kid last time."

And then, "I hope something else horrible doesn't happen."

And then, "Are you alright, appendix?"

Cause I'm sure that's the next thing to go. We'll see.

But I am happy to have an extra Phew around and that my sister's doing alright.

I got a lot of nerve and you do too

Proof that I have the MOST AWESOME NEPHEW EVER.

When we got into the car for dinner yesterday, he turns around to me and says:

"Do you have tickets to the gun show?"

Then while I am laughing my ass off he adds:

"They're right over there."

Gentlemen, my work here is done.

I will freak you like you've never been freaked before

So I finally got my brother in law a book. I hope he likes it. If he doesn't, he knows where to return it. I feel kind of crappy that I left it to the last minute and so couldn't use a coupon, but oh well.

It was awesome to visit Borders, I got to see Kevin, Giggles, Renegade, and Lister. Lately it seems like no one I know's been working, so this was nice.

Lister and I discussed army haircuts.

Giggles and I discussed why we think pith helmets should be named something else, because they don't really protect your head. Also: paleontology.

Kevin was awesome, I've missed him so much. We discussed how "evs" went from something we mocked to something we accidently slip into every day discussion, how Welcome Back Kotter is NO Happy Days, DJs who say, "anything Harry Potter," and like a million other things.

Renegade I've missed too (not that I don't miss Lister and Giggles, but I dunno, I miss Renegade's cynicism and Kevin's the opposite of that). I was like, "It's Renegade!" and then let it hang in the air because I usually greet him with, "It's Renegade! More than meets the eye!" and he always says he hates it. And he of course told me not to. But then he was like, "After the movie comes out you can sing the whole theme song to me if you want to." And I was like, "yeah then I'll be like, "ha ha, you still work here and Harry Potter is coming out soon." Then he left and was like, "I have things to do now! You should've talked to me earlier instead of spending all your time talking to those jerks back there!"

Good times.

her skin is cinnamon

So I can tell that I don't like my job right now because of my hands. I have this weird nervous habit where I pick at the skin around my fingernails. I do this even when I'm fine, I've done this as long as I can remember. But when I am really bored or nervous or unhappy, I make myself bleed.

I gave myself one bad enough on my thumb that YM and, the Phew of all people, have noticed and said something about. Then there was some stupid meeting today and I was bored, and I did some more damage.

In other news, I love how ghetto my car is becoming. It's pretty old, and I haven't had too many "real" problems with it, but all the sudden random things fall off. This speaker in the door just fell out one day, and now it's the volume knob on my radio.

The other musing I've had lately is regarding moths. These guys seriously must be the Pauly Shores of the insect world. They're SO STUPID. What possible evolutionary directive could they be following by randomly swarming around light and seriously wounding themselves? Anyway, this is because there's a light by the front door of my apt building that attracts them. It's right at head level and next to the door, so they will literally fly into me and my hair. It's kind of like my own mini The Birds. Plus, when anyone opens the door, they bolt for the light in the foyer, and so the whole inside of my apt building is just randomly littered with dead moths who apparently flew around in there till they died of no food or whatever. It's kind of macabre, not to mention depressing. I feel sorry for them.

comicz yeah

new comic, but a small excerpt from the call that made me think "if I don't get chocolate RIGHT NOW, I am going to BURN THE FUCKING BUILDING DOWN."

The subtitle, you'll only get if you've seen the movie it's from, but I feel that it was the thing I'm most obviously going to think of when I combine chinese people and what look like earmuffs.

joyless joyless

So the last two days, work has been all right. The last two days before that, it was hell. So I don't really know what to think. I did get one guy today that activated one of my stronger peeves, though.

Here it is, in comic form.

Seriously, though. I've been told I'll laugh at nearly everything. If I don't laugh at something, you are probably not funny at all. And if you get mad at me for not laughing at your non-funny joke that is your fault, you are a complete douche. People that blame me when their joke bombs seriously make me want to stab them. Also, I didn't really cut anything out. The transition was really that swift.

I saw my baby trying hard as they could try

Yesterday was pretty good. My parents bought me a boatload of stuff at Sam's Club, then we went to my sister's house to babysit the 'Phew for awhile. Then after awhile we went out to dinner for Father's Day (we did it yesterday because today I have to work during dinner time). It was pretty good, except I was really tired out from the day before and had a headache so I wasn't too exciting for the 'Phew, and I was mildly cranky. But all and all, a good time was had. I had something at the Olive Garden so garlicky that it buuuuurned. Garlic is awesome.

Also I was telling my sister and her husband how I was calling the second Phew "Phew II: Phew Harder." Which, I had thought I'd told them that before (everyone has a different nickname for the fetus, as my weird brother-in-law does not want to tell anyone the kid's name until it's born, so my mom calls him "the brother," my grandpa calls him "whatshisname" etc. so there is literally nothing else I would be likely to call Phew Harder by). Anyway, he thought it was pretty funny and came up with a "phew" more for me. Though Phew Harder is still my favorite.

The Phew Strikes Back
Phew Fast Phew Furious
Hot Shots: part Phew
Back to the Phew-ture
The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Phew

I kind of wish that they were going to have a third one, because who wouldn't love:

Phew with a Vengeance or
Phew: Tokyo Drift

Then I came home, watched one of the movies Herd was so kind to lend me the other night, and passed out.

beep boop

So... even more awesomeness: I got to hang out with YM & Herd. I got really hyper and weird but they were like, "evs." So it was awesome. I made a weird noise at a bar and frightened strangers. Also awesome.

Ignore me!

Today was the shit. I'm not even kidding. Awesomeness that happened:

Elaine and I finally FINALLY watched some Venture Bros. together. This is awesome because I enjoy Elaine and haven't seen her in awhile. This is awesome because I enjoy human interaction. This is awesome because Venture Bros. is HILARIOUS. It might have actually gained the much-coveted spot of "second favorite after Home Movies" for me.

Work didn't suck today! I got no overly douchey people or completely unintelligable foriegners. We were out of queue most of the day, which is a first. I accidently sat near one of the douchey guys (For Opt's info--not the one who looks like Bobby, he is still retarded and I will Amishly shun him forever, and not the one who was like, "How old ARE you?") and he was actually entertaining as well as douchey, so I enjoyed it. Not to mention he's one of the few people at that job who've ever tried to talk to me at all (though it was mostly self involved stories of his, they were at least funny). Also, another chick and I emailed each other about David Hasselhof back and forth a couple of times, I'm thinking she is awesome friend material if I play my cards right.

After work, well.....

Me: today I almost felt human
Ryan: it's a good thing you're still a mutant
Ryan: or I'd feel uncomfortable talking with you
Me: true
Me: plus I just drew a picture of RJ peeing on Tami
Me: which made my day
Ryan: hahaha
Ryan: best picture
Ryan: ever

afdsdfas

I don't know if I can make it. I have serious doubts. You have to stay where I am for one year before you can be promoted on to anything else. I really, really, hate my job. I kept thinking it would get better as I learned more what I was doing. But it's not. I still hate it. I swear to you:

I had a difficult call before my break. I immediately went to our little snack place to buy chocolate. I was stuck behind two slow-ish people. And I swear to you, I thought, "I am going to BURN THIS FUCKING BUILDING DOWN if I do not get my chocolate NOW."

That is how angry I am EVERY MINUTE of EVERY HOUR that I spend at work.

People tell me not to take the dickish people personally, that they're just dicks. And I'm like, "Duh, I did work in retail, you know." I know people are ass clowns. But... it's just so much negativity and/or stupidness foisted on me full tilt for 30 hours every week that I'm finding it hard to take. It makes Borders look like a paradise, comparatively. On top of the fact that the sheer volume of angry, dickish people is way larger, I can't just give them to the supervisor whenever they get bitchy like I did before. Also, I can't even tell them when I can't do something for them, I'm supposed to repeat over and over what I can do, which only makes them more angry.

I dunno, maybe I am a lazy horrible person with no work ethic and when things get the slightest bit rough, I run away. Or, more to the point, I just really, really hate people. Every job I've ever had, the part I hated was the people I had to deal with. Old Lady Store: Hated the Old Ladies. WEEK: Hated douchey coworkers. Borders: hated customers and hosebeast boss. New job: hate customers. I don't know what I should do about it, though. Or where I can find a job where I either don't interact with people or only interact with mostly non horrible ones.

I don't know, at this point I'm just whining because I'm so frustrated and wish I knew what I should do with myself.

I'm batman

I feel rather guilty that when I don't have friends I spend more time with my family. Like... "Well, I guess you'll do if I can't find anyone else." But I have had some pretty awesome times with them lately. Today I came over to their house and played a couple rousing games of cribbage with my dad (I pegged 12 points on one play! That is fucking awesome, trust me). Then later we had dinner with my sister's family and hung out with them awhile.

I'm telling you, I love the 'Phew more and more each time I see him. At one point he randomly started playing this game where he would jump over my legs. And he was bad at it, he kept falling and hurting himself and/or me. So then I finally drew my legs up to my chest and was sitting there. And the look in the face, the instant he decided to try and jump over them again anyway..... just priceless. An instant later, I have small child on me and am laughing my lungs out, and he's laughing too, and it just makes me laugh harder and harder.

My dad also tried the Adam & Eve and Pinch Me thing on him again, and he said "Michael," this time. And again, we don't know who this Mike/Michael is. We figure it's someone at daycare, but who knows.

I also love how bipolar small children are. They were trying to get him to use the bathroom, and he got mad and started angrily yelling "I'm stupid! stupid! stupid!" and then like two seconds later we hear him from the bathroom happily yelling, "I'm batman!"

Those are the most hilarious, the rest might be boring minutae to others, but I want to document it for my own enjoyment:


--I was flattered by how much he seemed to enjoy the voice I did for this monkey toy my parents just got for him.

--when my Dad was cheating at this game he was playing with the 'Phew and the 'Phew angrily says, "You can't play! You mess everything up!"

--he was cleaning something up and I tell the rest, "He's almost done." And he turns to them and yells, "I'm almost done!"

friendship is rare

Damn my poor socialization skills. But I still think the problem is more how things are set up. I mean, I'm not that astonished that I haven't made buddies yet, but it kind of sucks how hard it is to do in this job even if I were more compatible with these people.

For instance: today on the way out I ended up walking out with this dude from my training class that I've never really spoken to before. He seems alright, like we could be friends. On the way out there were randomly a bunch of security dudes in the lobby, and when we were out of earshot, I said, "I really wanted to make a joke about having a bomb in my shoes. But that would probably be a bad idea, I can see them wrestling me to the ground trying to get my shoes off." And he said, "Well that's when you tell them that's what sets it off." And I wanted to be like, "BE MY NEW BEST FRIEND." But as is, I've worked with him almost a month now and this tidbit is all we've spoken, so I can pretty much see never talking to him again or at least not enough to be friends. And I've had tons of tidbits with people. But I will never ever get to know any of these people. It's poopy.

In other news I hate people. They should stop being dicks to me.

tee shirt II

Me: man
Me: it sucks that I'm so poor that buying a tee shirt is a major life decision for me
Ryan: haha yeah
Me: I think I'm going to do it
Me: I think I'm going to get a tee shirt
Ryan: dooooo it
Me: hopefully it fits
Me: as I said, I will be enraged if it doesn't
Ryan: you are legally able to kill Sufjan stevens if it doesn't
Phoemeister: YES
Phoemeister: I win

we show no emotion

Me: Ryanthor!
Ryan: Amystopheles!
Me: yessss
Me: I like that one
Me: I'm keeping it
Ryan: haha nice
Me: I have to change all my logins on everything from Phoemeister to that
Ryan: I would be honored
Me: well, I am getting tired of explainin Phoemeister to people
Me: I'd think Amystopheles would be more self explanitory
Ryan: "i'm pretty much the devil and my name is amy"
Me: that's exactly the message I want to convey
Me: too bad I'm so lazy
Me: haha next time someone asks me what Phoemeister means
Me: I should be like, "It means I was too lazy to change it to Amystopheles like I wanted"
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: That's a good reason

things I will never have

I'm too poor to afford them anyway, but I have had tee shirts on the brain for a little while now. Here are the ones I want:

This one most of all. But it only comes in a small. People who know me know that this shirt was made for me, but I can't buy it cause I wouldn't fit.

I like Sufjan, I like puns. I think I never got it cause I feel like a poser for getting shirts from bands I've never seen live. But I do love Sufjan.

This one just cracks me up. It also reminds me of a plotline in Achewood that I enjoy.

This one combines two things I love, puns, references to the Beastie Boys (though I don't really listen to them).

This one is fucking hilarious.

McSweeney's just wins. And I'd be helping them out with their bankruptcy if I got it!

Speaking of Achewood... I think I like this one because it's funny even if you don't read Achewood. I've also always rather fancied the Achewood shirt that says, "Everybody Dance Like There's Ass In Your Pants." And "Man, why you even got to do a thing." I think I could pull this one off better, though.

I'm on a mission from god

For whatever reason, I get nervous if my blog is all short, punchy, positive posts. Or if it's all long, narcistic whiney posts. I kind of need a lot of posts that are in between or a mixture of both.

But anyway, I guess lately I've not had a ton to say. I've realized that I do hate my job, but I'm hoping it lessens as I get better at it. I'm still so nervous while I do it that it turns every shift into a long emotional ordeal where my nerves are tightly stretched so much that they twang like bowstrings. I don't know if I'm nostalgizing, but I can't remember being this worried when I started at Borders.

Speaking of nostalgizing: I miss Borders SO MUCH. I tell myself not to, I try to remember how shitty I felt by the end of my run there. How I was locked in a never ending emotional battle with Tami that made me feel like shit most of the time, times when I had to spend my whole day at registers, Christmastime, how most of my friends working there left already.

But what I really think of is being able to talk with my friends at work (though I got in trouble for it), a customer base that was slightly more respectful to me, actually knowing what I was doing, and knowing even when I didn't know that I probably wasn't going to get my company sued by saying one slightly wrong thing.

Man, I really wish I knew what I fucking wanted, and if it's worth sticking out my year at my job to try and get promoted elsewhere in the company. Working in a library still looks really appealing, but I applied to all of them before and none of them wants me, and I don't want to get a goddamn masters degree in library science without actually knowing I like working in that environment. I don't know what else I'd like to do, other than that I really want a job where people see me as a person.

I've also been listening a lot to this song called "2 Weeks Notice" by this guy I used to work with at Borders, and I can't decide whether it's because I hate my new job and want to give 2 weeks notice, I miss him and the other people at Borders, or I'm just in the mood for the song.

Plus, since it's part time and I have to pay for my own health insurance now, I'm really not making any more money than I was before. I have more free time, but nothing to do with it, since most of my friends moved away. So it's like, I spend all day at home alone, and then go to a job where I can't talk to my coworkers and the customer interactions are not very satisfying. So I'm still poor, and still lonely.

damn good times

new comic based on a hilarious story from a friend.

Here, also, is a description Ryan gave me concerning a picture of myself:

"that one has a hint of "I am so scared of you that I'm about to punch you in the clavicle""

noodles are the smell of denial

Today I went to the Tremont turkey festival with my Dad and ate the leg of a turkey. Then I hung out with Opt and ate some noodles.

whatever, dude

I made another one. And the fact in the last panel IS true, I'm trying to find a way to use $30 bucks worth of these a month to make up for losing 30 bucks worth of store credit at borders every month.

this line is metaphysical

Okay, this comic isn't that funny, but making it gave me some catharsis.

So read it here

win

Me: also I'm reading a book about gay trolls
Mike: well thats certainly interesting
Mike: im reading dune
Me: mine wins

I'm your man, and I buy the drugs

Thankfully, I've not tried to answer the phone at work with the Borders spiel, but all the time when I start out asking a customer a question, I'll be like, "Now sir, do you..." and my brain screams, "have borders rewards?" and then I forget what I was actually going to ask, and the customer is disconcerted by the pause. Also awesome is at the end of the phone call when I say, "Thank you for calling..." my brain also insists on screaming "Borders!" and again I have this weird-ass pause before I say the name of the corporation that currently owns me.

perfect teeth designed to hide what lies beneath

I only just heard about this today, but already I want to see it SO BAD.

I will jumpstart the car parked in your mind

So hung out with my family, discussed my financial future, worked more on teaching the 'phew how to flex his muscles and say, "Do you want free tickets to the gun show?"

I've found that trying to make him say it makes him think you're asking him. And he'll either say enthusiasticly, "YESS" or "no." And then if he says no, he'll say, "Can I have tickets to the gun show." And then I have to give him imaginary tickets to the gun show. Mostly I do that by flexing my arm and pointing and saying, "They're right over there," and he pretends to pick it up and says, "got it!"

I did, however, have great progress in teaching him how to yell "GUN SHOW!!" while flexing his muscles and baring his teeth. It was awesome. My proudest moment is going to be when he goes up to a teacher at day care and either says, "Can I have tickets to the gun show," or just screams, "GUN SHOW!!" and then my sister or her husband has to explain to them. Bonus points if he starts getting any of the other kids at daycare saying it.

I can't wait to corrupt PH (Phew Harder, AKA the next one my sister's working on having).

Oh and here's an awesome bit of dialogue between my Dad and the Phew.

Dad: Adam & Eve & Pinch me went down to the river to bathe. Adam & Eve drowned, who was saved?
The Phew: Mike.

Me: did you watch the video for I Buy the Drugs?
Ryan: hmm nope
Me: okay what I love about it is that they actually go by these names
Suibrom: Tait Nucleus
Phoemeister: haha Tait Nucleus is the best one. At the end they all do beer bongs and he is hilariously incompetant at his.
Ryan: haha nice
Ryan: that guy is totally me
Me: Tait has the best outfit, too
Ryan: I agree
Me: except I do like Dick's glasses
Phoemeister: Oh and Tait has the best pose at the beginning
Ryan: haha yeah
Ryan: I need to do that more often
Me: OH MY GOD
Me: I think every time I leave a building I should stop and do this
Me: and never tell anyone why
Ryan: hahah
Me: also I want to marry him and be named Amy Nucleus
Ryan: haha that would be an awesome name
Me: that's what I'm saying
Ruam: can I marry him too and be Ryan Nucleus?
Ryan: you could be Amy Na$hinal
Me: haha
Me: you could be Ryan The Colonel
Ryan: haha
Ryan: I already am the colonel
Me: also I love the weiner dog in that video
Ryan: I love that he looks like he's going to eat it
Me: haha yeah at one point I was like, "did the wiener dog get injured during the making of this?"

you can't ignore my techno

So I've only been taking calls for two days, but I have calculated a rough estimate of what I'm going to do every day.

--At least two incredibly frustrating claims with people who have a really, really bad grasp on english that take at least half an hour apiece.

--A handful of claims with people I can effectively communicate with

--A handful of people asking questions I can't help them with, but are nice about it.

--the rest is people asking questions I can't help with that get fucking snotty about it and/or trying to badger me until I give them an answer I don't have and/or could get fired for telling them.

But lest you think I am complaining, here are the pros of my new job that I've enjoyed today and yesterday:

--free candy

--free ghettoly mispelled refridgerator magnets

--free cake

--free Dr. Pepper

--a boss that doesn't make me want to stab my eyes out

--No metalhead Ed

On an unrelated note, whoever it is that replaced my downstairs neighbors was listening to "S8er Boi" by Avril Lavigne when I came home. Talk about trading down. Though I shouldn't talk, I promptly went upstairs and started listening to "I'm the Bomb" by Electric Six.

die white girls die white girls

I believe it was Opt who once said, "I can't wait until you start making comics about your new job."

Well wait no longer. I have two takes on the same phone call.

Hrneqlspd


Hrneqlspd II

1) I really did make him spell this several times, and there was another woman listening too. And every time, it was this.

2) The thing he said about me, he said like three goddamned times.

Anyway, I am not sure whether I want to name this section "cLAMEs" or "Retards Who Call Me Up On The Phone." Give me some input, people.

truth be told the child was born

So I'm really pumped, at work I ended up recieving these sweet new refrigerator magnets with my name mispelled on them. Added bonus: they are pretty ghetto looking.

And I'm not being sarcastic, I do strangely enjoy them.

Anyway, my name got mispelled somehow on these magnets we're supposed to put on our lockers, and when I got the replacement ones I decided to give the randomly mispelled ones a place of honor in my kitchen.

I think this goes with the star wars stamps in the category of things I'm way too excited about that no one else would be.

in the office tower

Yesterday: pretty awesome aside from poo difficulties early on.

Opt called me and we talked for a long time, which I've missed. Thankfully, she does not think I am too much of a corporate zombie to abandon (yet).

Then my parents took me out for an awesome dinner.

Then I went to a party, and I learned how to make a better shiv from a toothbrush, and how to make when I break a bottle and stab people more effiicent.

gay bar! gay bar!

Me: okay, should I or should I not message someone I want to like me with "I got something to put in you at the gay bar! Gay bar!"
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: you totally should
Me: awww, perhaps this person knew I was going to say that
Me: he left before I could message him about gay bar fun
Ryan: you could say "I wanna take you to a GAY BAR! GAY BAR!"
Ryan: and then when they go "uh what?"
Ryan: you can be like "LET"S START A WAR"
Me: wouldn't it be awesome if for a day I could only say lines from Electric Six songs?
Me: like someone calls up about a claim
Ryan: I have a feeling.. that might not work out well
Me: and I'm like, "GAY BAR GAY BAR"
Ryan: what would be even more awesome
Ryan: is if someone called up for a claim
Ryan: about a fire at the taco bell
Me: ROFLMAO
Me: and I'd be like, "ITS MY DESIRE"
Ryan: hahahah
Ryan: yeaih I was just going to say that

poooo

Don't you hate it when you're up till 4 am because you can't sleep and then you wake up at 8 am because you have fucking colitis and it hurts. And then you can't get back to sleep, no, your body insists on feeling shitty for several hours instead.

Colitis, you are not invited to my pizza party.