I'm on a mission from god

For whatever reason, I get nervous if my blog is all short, punchy, positive posts. Or if it's all long, narcistic whiney posts. I kind of need a lot of posts that are in between or a mixture of both.

But anyway, I guess lately I've not had a ton to say. I've realized that I do hate my job, but I'm hoping it lessens as I get better at it. I'm still so nervous while I do it that it turns every shift into a long emotional ordeal where my nerves are tightly stretched so much that they twang like bowstrings. I don't know if I'm nostalgizing, but I can't remember being this worried when I started at Borders.

Speaking of nostalgizing: I miss Borders SO MUCH. I tell myself not to, I try to remember how shitty I felt by the end of my run there. How I was locked in a never ending emotional battle with Tami that made me feel like shit most of the time, times when I had to spend my whole day at registers, Christmastime, how most of my friends working there left already.

But what I really think of is being able to talk with my friends at work (though I got in trouble for it), a customer base that was slightly more respectful to me, actually knowing what I was doing, and knowing even when I didn't know that I probably wasn't going to get my company sued by saying one slightly wrong thing.

Man, I really wish I knew what I fucking wanted, and if it's worth sticking out my year at my job to try and get promoted elsewhere in the company. Working in a library still looks really appealing, but I applied to all of them before and none of them wants me, and I don't want to get a goddamn masters degree in library science without actually knowing I like working in that environment. I don't know what else I'd like to do, other than that I really want a job where people see me as a person.

I've also been listening a lot to this song called "2 Weeks Notice" by this guy I used to work with at Borders, and I can't decide whether it's because I hate my new job and want to give 2 weeks notice, I miss him and the other people at Borders, or I'm just in the mood for the song.

Plus, since it's part time and I have to pay for my own health insurance now, I'm really not making any more money than I was before. I have more free time, but nothing to do with it, since most of my friends moved away. So it's like, I spend all day at home alone, and then go to a job where I can't talk to my coworkers and the customer interactions are not very satisfying. So I'm still poor, and still lonely.