What's been going on with me this week

The main thing:

I take it from your lack of response to anything I've emailed you since that one AIM conversation that you never want to talk to me again. I guess this email is basically to confirm if that's true or not so that I stop any stupid stupid hoping that just hurts more in the long run.

I've just worked 11 days straight, and 4 of those days were working 2 jobs, sometimes for 15 hours. I can't give this email the attention it deserves or deal with it rationally right now because I am just stretched too thin, and I still have to work tomorrow. But I didn't want to not respond.

Give me some time to sleep and recuperate and I'll be able to put together a coherent response.

While I'm doing that, I'm going to ask you to please think about what you want from me. I've asked you several times, and you've never been able to give me a real response. Think about it, and possibly tell me about it so that I can truly answer you to the best of my ability.

What I want from you is to be friends again. I know it's unrealistic to want to be as close as we were when we worked together and lived near each other, but I wish we could still be friends like we were the first few months after you moved.

I'm sorry, I do know I was crappy the last time we talked. I was being passive agressive. I didn't want to let you know that I was mad at you, because I thought that would drive you even farther away. But I couldn't let it go either.

And there, I said it, I was angry at you. I mean, I'm angry at the entire world right now, I don't even think I'm right in the head, I have a doctor's appointment next week to see if I should go on antidpressants or something. At least twice a week I'll end up sobbing nonstop for an hour, usually out of nowhere. Nearly every day I cry a little. And it's not just about my mom. And it was in that state of mind that I emailed you the other night, though I did truly believe you decided you had written me off for good and at least wanted a sense of finality about it.

But yeah, I am angry at you specifically too, because I really genuinely tried to stay in touch with you, and you didn't seem to care. And then when I asked if you were angry at me or something, you got so defensive about it that I didn't want to go into detail about why I thought you were avoiding me or not trying to keep in touch and make you actually angry at me.

You don't seem to think I logically deserve to be angry about this, because you're very busy and had your own problems for part of this period. And I guess I didn't think I logically deserved to be angry about this, because I didn't come out and actually say it to you.

I guess that is kind of abrupt but I couldn't really think of any good ending for this.

ok, I read this and am thinking about it, but I just got home from day 12 and I will be sleeping a lot for the next few days.

I know you want to be friends "again" but what I specifically meant is: what do you expect from me as your friend who lives 50 miles away?

the only thing I know, and the only way I've felt about all of our interactions since going to see TMBG is that you feel like I'm not doing/trying/being enough for you. And I don't know what will make you happy as far as being your friend goes. So tell me what you want from me, and I'll be better able to understand if I'm able to provide that at this point in my life.

I'm sorry you're feeling horrible. I wish I could be more helpful right now. It sounds like going to see someone to get help is a good idea.

I owe you an apology. My behavior to you lately has not been the best, and though my motivation was to not cause you any undue harm, apparently I've hurt you, and for that I'm sorry.
You're right; I have been avoiding you lately, for a multitude of reasons. The honest fact is that I've been trying to distance myself from you for quite a while. So many difficult things have come into your life recently that I couldn't bear the thought of kicking you while you were down. Since I saw first hand how you reacted to first Nicole, then Drew, Tom & Scott's moves from the area, I figured that
you would eventually let me go, the way you did them, once I followed in their footsteps. I wasn't trying to be hurtful or uncaring; in fact, I thought it would be the least painful way to do this. I'm sorry that my handling of the situation actually caused you more pain. From your email, it sounds as though you wish things could go back to the way they were, and I understand that. But in my life, I can only go forward, and I don't think we can be to each other again what we were before. From your behavior towards me, it seems as if I can't move backwards, you'll only continue to be unhappy and dissatisfied with our friendship. It seems from my perspective that there is no way I can be the friend you want and need right now.

Yeah, I guess I just don't really get why you had to draw it out a year and a half, you could've just made it a clean break and said "I'm too busy for you," right after you moved instead of first giving me the impression we could stay friends for a few months, then purposefully doing the painful slow drift off. And the reason I'm more upset with you than them is 1) I was way closer to you than them (I thought I was, anyway) and 2) obviously I am way more fucked up and sad than I was. But it's not like I can make you do something you don't want to (continue to be any sort of friend to me), and even if I could it would be fake and not what I wanted anyway.

Well it wasn't a forgone decision that just because I was moving we wouldn't be friends anymore. I was interested in trying to stay friends, and hoped we could. But some things happened to me, and other things happened to you, and our interactions weren't as enjoyable anymore. Once I realized that, I thought that by drifting off, I'd save us both the harsh pain of a direct slap, and that maybe we could stay friendly at a distance. I wish that had been possible, but apparently it isn't.

I am glad to hear you're seeking help, and I really do hope for the best for you.

I guess what bothers me most is that I don't even know what I did to make you despise me enough to systematically cut me out of your life like that. I've been racking my brain over and over, and it's driving me crazy. If you tell me, I swear to god I will let it drop and stop bothering you even if it is something I'd normally argue over.

it's not any one thing that you did or didn't do. Moving away geographically always puts relationships under strain, and what's more, it gave me a different perspective on things than what I had in B-N. I'm glad we met and knew each other, and I had a lot of good times with you... but life has changed us both as people, and at this
point in time, from this distance, it's clear to me that I can't be what you need in a friend, and I'm not willing to keep trying only to fail.

I'm sorry that I can't give you any more help or reason than that.

So yeah, I've been crying a lot this week. She really was a close friend, and I still don't understand it. She freely admits that she has purposefully cut me out of her life, and won't tell me why. She turns it around at the end and tries to act like she is too busy to be a good friend, but 1) that completely contridicts an earlier bit, and 2) I've had people do the accidental drift off to me enough times in my life (sadness) to know when it is natural or on purpose. I wish I knew what I did. Well what I really wish is she was still my friend (in any capacity, I don't get this all or nothing stuff). What I really really wish was that I wasn't crazy or that this last fucking six months hadn't happened. But the wanting an explanation part seems to be the most sane of those wishes.

Today was my visit with the doctor. It took about 2 hours of which only maybe 10 minutes was spent actually getting diagnosed or anything. 20 minutes was spent naked in a freezing cold room freaking out. I felt trapped.... being naked, I couldn't really stick my head out into the hall and find out why no one was coming to look at me. And I felt like I couldn't try to put my clothes on or anything to get warm, because that's when they'd finally come in, and they'd insist on leaving again for 20 min while I took them off and the cycle would begin anew.

The doctor says he thinks it's depression but he is concerned about my slow reflexes, slow talking, and limp hair. Don't ask me what the hell that's supposed to mean. Anyway there's a possibility it could be something with my thyroid, which can cause serious depression among other things (such as slow talking and limp hair?) So he needs to get some bloodwork. And of course I didn't drink anything so my already hellish veins were dehydrated so they couldn't get any blood. So I have to go back tomorrow for them to take blood. And I have to go back again in like a week or two after they've looked at it and spend a bunch more money and another fucking two hours to tell me if I have thyroid disease or depression.

I also sort of hope I have depression instead of thyroid disease, because my mom was treated for thyroid disease for years and years and it was a pain in the ass. She needed blood taken every three months. Plus, the things treating it was supposed to help her with (having more energy, being less depressed) never got any better.

Tina's take on my dr's appointment:
"you could have seen a whore, paid less, had more fun and actually had a reason to get some blood work done"

Earlier in the week, I hung out with Josh, which was nice. He's been Tivoing shows so we can watch them together. We watched some new Sarah Silverman and chilled most of a day, and also went to an overpriced (but fun) game shop in Peoria and he bought me some Taco Bell.

I hung out at casa de Lothar with the aforementioned Lothar and Julie for the first time since July or August, and had fun. We had an interesting conversation RE: testes, and had some good food, but we mostly played rock band.

I created an albino dude with hair and a bandana a la rambo, we've decided he's a crazy vietnam vet with "night terrors." I picked the pants that most effectively show off his package, and gave him homeless man shoes. He has pink star dangly earings, no shirt, and a chest with a huge tattoo of a bird or llama or something. The best part is the new rock band has masks, and I was able to give him a pig mask. I matched it to his skin tone so it looks like his face, and I covered the bottom half of his face with the flag of the USSR. The best part is watching him while Fortunate Son is playing, because he acts very sassy. Also, when we played that song there was a stand in (there was no 4th player in the band so the game substitutes a random char I guess) who looked like Freddie Mercury and stared into the "camera" with hilarious cold dead eyes while singing back up to the sassy pig man.

That day I hung out with Josh/Julie & Lothar (Saturday) is probably the only good day I've had this week. The weds before that I was kind of happy I passed a test, but it quickly went away in favor of wallowing in my sadness as I spend most of my days.