So I talked to Tina today. Here's one of the more memorable bits (I'm not going to tell you how we got to this point to begin with):

Tina: My friend Jason said anyone would lick someone's buttcrack for money if they were poor enough, but told him he was crazy. I'd live in the woods and eat squirrels and stuff before I licked a buttcrack. He said he'd still lick crack though because he likes his electronics.

Me: I don't know if I'm just lazier than you guys or whatever, but if I were that poor I would just go on welfare.

I really do think that would be the best solution, what else are my taxes for anyway? But I do think I subconsciously lifted the idea off of the Always Sunny episode where they go on unemployment, and when that runs out, they try to get on welfare. On the negative side, they had to get hooked on crack (the drug, not butts like Tina's friend Jason) to qualify for welfare, but on the positive side, the rest of the time they get to sit around on steps and drunkenly sing Biz Markie songs.