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So, one of the things that hurt the most is I thought that at least part of this decision came from Elaine, aka someone not the pscyho crazy hosebeast previously known on here as boss-boss but now known as the Antichrist. And you know, maybe it does. But everyone keeps telling me that Antichrist is behind all of it, and I'm beginning to believe them. And I like thinking that, because it makes me more angry, and being angry hurts less than being sad and hating myself.

So I'm feeling a lot better than I did right after the fact, but I am still sad and fucked up over it, which I think made my job interview today not go well. Like, a lot of the questions are about setbacks and things you've had in your previous job. So I'd always think of some way Antichrist screwed me or something and it would make me sad/angry and I'd get more flustered and say the stupidest possible thing to the people (like really, incredibly stupid things). The only thing that cheered me up at all (which always does when I go to apply at that place) was the sign that says "Not an Exit" on one of the doors on the way out, which reminds me of my favorite Saves the Day song, "This Is Not an Exit" which is basically about not beating yourself up over things that happened in the past.

Another reason I know I'm still messed up over this whole thing is I thought of slashing Antichrist's tires today and for a couple minutes, it seemed like a really, really good idea. This is bad because I don't meen "good" in the sense that "she deserves it" because that is totally true. This is bad because I thought of it as "good" in the "not a totally idiotic thing to do" sense. Which is totally false. I'm glad that passed though. I AM however still tempted to see how many of my coworkers will agree to bring in "Smells Like Phoemeister" and play it when she is working with them.

Anyway all I really want to do right now is listen to Say Anything (about the angriest band I listen to anymore). Part of it is I this one cd on a mix cd I've been listening to a lot lately reminds me of one of their songs, but I do think part of it is the anger. They kind of make me sad too (most emo I just laugh at, but a couple bands really do touch me). There's this one song called "Admit It!!!" that I enjoy because it's funny and makes fun of hipsters, but the other half of it is about being secure in who you yourself are and it makes me sad because I'm not. And there's this one line in it, "I want to taste the breeze of every great city," that makes me sad because I want to do that too, but feel any chance of ever being rich enough to travel a lot or confident enough to move a lot (to big places no less) slipping away.

I'm to scared to even move a short distance away. The DN's, Opt, and Sista have all told me I should move away (with varying degrees of seriousness) and all I can think is that it'd be more difficult to see the Phew and he'll grow up without me and never know me the way I am with most of my relatives, and that my parents won't be as able or willing to help me out financially.

I don't know what I want to do with my life, all I know are a few things I definitely don't want to do, and they're all the things I likely can do so it just leaves me feeling trapped and scared.