I got my teapot the other day, it is super cool! I like how I can now make several cups at once, and if I want I can keep them warm until I drink them, instead of having to make a cup every time I want one. It is also better than the things I had to make it cup by cup because the infuser is finer so no grit (yay).

Dunno if it's just a fad or anything, but I've basically gotten into loose leaf tea because green & white tea supposedly have a lot of immune system & anti cancer benefits, and those are diminished if you don't have it loose leaf. Also, the cool part about loose leaf tea is, since I don't really love the flavor of the actual tea, I can pop in however much herbal tea I want with it to make it taste better. (For non tea nerds--herbal tea, despite the name, is not tea. Real tea comes from tea plants. Herbal tea is most other plants that taste good when you crunch them up and pour hot water on them. So basically peppermint, spearmint, anything fruity, chamomile--though chamomile is disgusting, the others are delightful). And a lot of the loose leaf herbal tea I've been getting tastes really good and more intense than bag tea and all that.

Despite some digestive issues, I've actually had a decent week. There were some people who are in training to be agents who visited our office the other day, and the guy who sat and watched me was amazed at all the great things we do and very complimentary about it. It's sort of nice to get that for a change. And I had my yearly evaluation the other day, and it sounds like I did well. I don't get the accompanying raise or bonus (or even know what they are) until Feb, but it gives me something to look forward to.

Today was sort of weird--I started crying again for no real reason. That was definitely not the highlight of my day. But it went away again and I had a fairly decent day otherwise. Saw the doctor and got the happy pills, they say I should know within a week whether they are doing anything, but I won't see the full effects for a month.

I hate my colon! Things were just finally settling down, and now I'm fucked up again. What terrible food-sin have I committed? I had fucking BREAD for dinner last night. And the meal before that was spaghetti-o's. No dairy, no veggies, I am forced to ask: what the fuck?

I woke up at 2pm today. I always feel so horribly guity when I do that. And I can't 100% remember when I went to bed last night, but I'm thinking that's over 12 hours of sleep. Which I guess wouldn't have happened without sleeping pills.

I guess I did partly make a resolution to sleep away as much time as possible until I could see the doctor, but now I feel I went overboard. I'm also probably never going to get onto a normal sleep sched ever again, which is a bummer. The later I sleep, the harder it is to get to bed at a decent hour, the more likely I will be up in the middle of the night another night crying.

Yes, folks, I hate my whiny bitchiness as much as you do.

I am a horrible person.

Of all my friendship comics, I never did one for Tina! And I've known her the longest! What is up with that? I am a bad person.

Anyway, without further ado:

GAH. I've had extremely chapped lips for a number of winters now, but I guess it just gets worse. Lately, the corners of my mouth get cracked. They were extremely bad for awhile, but by obsessively slathering them with chapstick, I got them to go away. Now they're back, and I don't even know why, because I have continued the slathering, with the same chapstick as before, even. Fucking.... world. Don't I have enough shit to deal with already?

stuff

Colon has continued to be a bastard. I am tired of feeling like shit all the time. Sometimes I tell myself I am never going to eat again, but just like clockwork, I do. And then feel shitty again.

Hung out with my dad today, which was alright. The weather was nice. I broached the subject of Thanksgiving with him. I thought he would be all, "no thanksgiving!" like last year, but he seemed cool with me making stuff. I couldn't really get a read on him, as to whether or not he wanted to do it or if he's just humoring me (he doesn't seem to be overly happy or sad about it), but I guess even if he is humoring me, I'd rather be humored than not have a thanksgiving.

Awesome. My stupid fucking colon made me miss another day's work. Nowhere, here I come.

Emotional rollercoaster. Me. Sucks.

So yesterday Josh & I went up to Ikea, which was fun. I felt bad because some of the stuff he liked wasn't in stock and he was a little sad about it.



He ended up with placemats and a stuffed rat.

I, on the other hand, came back with no toys though I'd looked on behalf of the 'phews. The thing is, it's very easy for me to convince myself not to get things for them because they already have so much. I look at a cool toy, and ask myself if they'd really play with it, and usually the answer is no, so I don't waste my money.

I did end up with the same placemats, though. Because they are fucking awesome.



I also got some christmas lights, which makes me think I am obsessed with christmas lights. I got a bunch last year too. It still makes me mad that the blue ones from last year are already busted, but I guess that's what I get for having them on all year. The blue ones just have nice memories attached to them... Anyway, the new ones:




I got this medicine cabinet:



It doesn't really go with anything in my bathroom, but it was 15 bucks. Plus the other one I was looking at was out of stock.

I got an apron, and a little lamp, too.

Then today I cried a bunch because I don't know what I'm going to do for thanksgiving.

Then I bought a teapot.

The end.

See

This is why I fucking want the doctor to see me sooner. So I'm not up at 4:45 a.m. crying my eyes out and wanting to crawl in a hole somewhere and die.

Ugh

Got the blood taken today. The lady was pretty good, got it in one try.

My follow up appointment? Nov 12th. What the fuck, man? I feel like I'm going crazy and will finally crack at any second. And the soonest I can see someone is Nov 12th? When I scheduled the 1st appt. with Dr. Crow they got me in in less than a week, but now I have to wait over 2 for a follow up?

They orig. wanted me to wait till the 22nd to see Kaminski, who is nominally "my doctor." But I haven't seen her since '05 and I don't like her anyway. I complained until they finally scheduled me with Dr. Vales, who actually was my doctor back when I was a little kid (he left for an HMO years ago and then came back, I guess). I still hate waiting, but at least I have confidence in this guy. 1) my mom LOVED him, and she normally hates doctors. He was like the only doctor out of a gazillion doctors who knew what was going on with this lung problem my sister had when she was little. 2) As far as I remember him, he actually knows his shit and is NICE, unlike most of the doctors I see who seem to hate life and their patients. Unless he was just nice to me because I was a kid, or the last 15 years has made him as bitter as the rest of them. I'm thinking of asking him to change me to being his patient when I'm there, unless his load is too full.

PS it is also getting to be that wonderful time of year when the skin from my lips is constantly disgustingly molting as if I am a snake or bird.

What's been going on with me this week

The main thing:

I take it from your lack of response to anything I've emailed you since that one AIM conversation that you never want to talk to me again. I guess this email is basically to confirm if that's true or not so that I stop any stupid stupid hoping that just hurts more in the long run.

I've just worked 11 days straight, and 4 of those days were working 2 jobs, sometimes for 15 hours. I can't give this email the attention it deserves or deal with it rationally right now because I am just stretched too thin, and I still have to work tomorrow. But I didn't want to not respond.

Give me some time to sleep and recuperate and I'll be able to put together a coherent response.

While I'm doing that, I'm going to ask you to please think about what you want from me. I've asked you several times, and you've never been able to give me a real response. Think about it, and possibly tell me about it so that I can truly answer you to the best of my ability.

What I want from you is to be friends again. I know it's unrealistic to want to be as close as we were when we worked together and lived near each other, but I wish we could still be friends like we were the first few months after you moved.

I'm sorry, I do know I was crappy the last time we talked. I was being passive agressive. I didn't want to let you know that I was mad at you, because I thought that would drive you even farther away. But I couldn't let it go either.

And there, I said it, I was angry at you. I mean, I'm angry at the entire world right now, I don't even think I'm right in the head, I have a doctor's appointment next week to see if I should go on antidpressants or something. At least twice a week I'll end up sobbing nonstop for an hour, usually out of nowhere. Nearly every day I cry a little. And it's not just about my mom. And it was in that state of mind that I emailed you the other night, though I did truly believe you decided you had written me off for good and at least wanted a sense of finality about it.

But yeah, I am angry at you specifically too, because I really genuinely tried to stay in touch with you, and you didn't seem to care. And then when I asked if you were angry at me or something, you got so defensive about it that I didn't want to go into detail about why I thought you were avoiding me or not trying to keep in touch and make you actually angry at me.

You don't seem to think I logically deserve to be angry about this, because you're very busy and had your own problems for part of this period. And I guess I didn't think I logically deserved to be angry about this, because I didn't come out and actually say it to you.

I guess that is kind of abrupt but I couldn't really think of any good ending for this.

ok, I read this and am thinking about it, but I just got home from day 12 and I will be sleeping a lot for the next few days.

I know you want to be friends "again" but what I specifically meant is: what do you expect from me as your friend who lives 50 miles away?

the only thing I know, and the only way I've felt about all of our interactions since going to see TMBG is that you feel like I'm not doing/trying/being enough for you. And I don't know what will make you happy as far as being your friend goes. So tell me what you want from me, and I'll be better able to understand if I'm able to provide that at this point in my life.

I'm sorry you're feeling horrible. I wish I could be more helpful right now. It sounds like going to see someone to get help is a good idea.

I owe you an apology. My behavior to you lately has not been the best, and though my motivation was to not cause you any undue harm, apparently I've hurt you, and for that I'm sorry.
You're right; I have been avoiding you lately, for a multitude of reasons. The honest fact is that I've been trying to distance myself from you for quite a while. So many difficult things have come into your life recently that I couldn't bear the thought of kicking you while you were down. Since I saw first hand how you reacted to first Nicole, then Drew, Tom & Scott's moves from the area, I figured that
you would eventually let me go, the way you did them, once I followed in their footsteps. I wasn't trying to be hurtful or uncaring; in fact, I thought it would be the least painful way to do this. I'm sorry that my handling of the situation actually caused you more pain. From your email, it sounds as though you wish things could go back to the way they were, and I understand that. But in my life, I can only go forward, and I don't think we can be to each other again what we were before. From your behavior towards me, it seems as if I can't move backwards, you'll only continue to be unhappy and dissatisfied with our friendship. It seems from my perspective that there is no way I can be the friend you want and need right now.

Yeah, I guess I just don't really get why you had to draw it out a year and a half, you could've just made it a clean break and said "I'm too busy for you," right after you moved instead of first giving me the impression we could stay friends for a few months, then purposefully doing the painful slow drift off. And the reason I'm more upset with you than them is 1) I was way closer to you than them (I thought I was, anyway) and 2) obviously I am way more fucked up and sad than I was. But it's not like I can make you do something you don't want to (continue to be any sort of friend to me), and even if I could it would be fake and not what I wanted anyway.

Well it wasn't a forgone decision that just because I was moving we wouldn't be friends anymore. I was interested in trying to stay friends, and hoped we could. But some things happened to me, and other things happened to you, and our interactions weren't as enjoyable anymore. Once I realized that, I thought that by drifting off, I'd save us both the harsh pain of a direct slap, and that maybe we could stay friendly at a distance. I wish that had been possible, but apparently it isn't.

I am glad to hear you're seeking help, and I really do hope for the best for you.

I guess what bothers me most is that I don't even know what I did to make you despise me enough to systematically cut me out of your life like that. I've been racking my brain over and over, and it's driving me crazy. If you tell me, I swear to god I will let it drop and stop bothering you even if it is something I'd normally argue over.

it's not any one thing that you did or didn't do. Moving away geographically always puts relationships under strain, and what's more, it gave me a different perspective on things than what I had in B-N. I'm glad we met and knew each other, and I had a lot of good times with you... but life has changed us both as people, and at this
point in time, from this distance, it's clear to me that I can't be what you need in a friend, and I'm not willing to keep trying only to fail.

I'm sorry that I can't give you any more help or reason than that.

So yeah, I've been crying a lot this week. She really was a close friend, and I still don't understand it. She freely admits that she has purposefully cut me out of her life, and won't tell me why. She turns it around at the end and tries to act like she is too busy to be a good friend, but 1) that completely contridicts an earlier bit, and 2) I've had people do the accidental drift off to me enough times in my life (sadness) to know when it is natural or on purpose. I wish I knew what I did. Well what I really wish is she was still my friend (in any capacity, I don't get this all or nothing stuff). What I really really wish was that I wasn't crazy or that this last fucking six months hadn't happened. But the wanting an explanation part seems to be the most sane of those wishes.

Today was my visit with the doctor. It took about 2 hours of which only maybe 10 minutes was spent actually getting diagnosed or anything. 20 minutes was spent naked in a freezing cold room freaking out. I felt trapped.... being naked, I couldn't really stick my head out into the hall and find out why no one was coming to look at me. And I felt like I couldn't try to put my clothes on or anything to get warm, because that's when they'd finally come in, and they'd insist on leaving again for 20 min while I took them off and the cycle would begin anew.

The doctor says he thinks it's depression but he is concerned about my slow reflexes, slow talking, and limp hair. Don't ask me what the hell that's supposed to mean. Anyway there's a possibility it could be something with my thyroid, which can cause serious depression among other things (such as slow talking and limp hair?) So he needs to get some bloodwork. And of course I didn't drink anything so my already hellish veins were dehydrated so they couldn't get any blood. So I have to go back tomorrow for them to take blood. And I have to go back again in like a week or two after they've looked at it and spend a bunch more money and another fucking two hours to tell me if I have thyroid disease or depression.

I also sort of hope I have depression instead of thyroid disease, because my mom was treated for thyroid disease for years and years and it was a pain in the ass. She needed blood taken every three months. Plus, the things treating it was supposed to help her with (having more energy, being less depressed) never got any better.

Tina's take on my dr's appointment:
"you could have seen a whore, paid less, had more fun and actually had a reason to get some blood work done"

Earlier in the week, I hung out with Josh, which was nice. He's been Tivoing shows so we can watch them together. We watched some new Sarah Silverman and chilled most of a day, and also went to an overpriced (but fun) game shop in Peoria and he bought me some Taco Bell.

I hung out at casa de Lothar with the aforementioned Lothar and Julie for the first time since July or August, and had fun. We had an interesting conversation RE: testes, and had some good food, but we mostly played rock band.

I created an albino dude with hair and a bandana a la rambo, we've decided he's a crazy vietnam vet with "night terrors." I picked the pants that most effectively show off his package, and gave him homeless man shoes. He has pink star dangly earings, no shirt, and a chest with a huge tattoo of a bird or llama or something. The best part is the new rock band has masks, and I was able to give him a pig mask. I matched it to his skin tone so it looks like his face, and I covered the bottom half of his face with the flag of the USSR. The best part is watching him while Fortunate Son is playing, because he acts very sassy. Also, when we played that song there was a stand in (there was no 4th player in the band so the game substitutes a random char I guess) who looked like Freddie Mercury and stared into the "camera" with hilarious cold dead eyes while singing back up to the sassy pig man.

That day I hung out with Josh/Julie & Lothar (Saturday) is probably the only good day I've had this week. The weds before that I was kind of happy I passed a test, but it quickly went away in favor of wallowing in my sadness as I spend most of my days.

Dedicated to my friend Ryan who has leprosy in his finger but is not actually a redneck. He has a tricorn hat.



Dedicated to my friend Tina who came up with the concept of "leper whores" and people who look like fingerers.

wow...

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I should proof my emails that zip is 60601-5099. Sorry about that! (can't spell administer either I see). Love-Dad

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meh

Today: good & bad.

From a physical pain standpoint, today was hell. I woke up, and ignorred, a headache which decided to turn into a migraine. I ended up having to lay down in my bathroom (in the darkest area of house) and take some drugs to banish it.

Then, right before work, of course, my colon decided to hurt really badly, and it kept doing so until.... well, it still hurts. I mean... I can't compare it to a lot of types of injury, but colon pain hurts so bad. I feel like my whole body hurts when it's that intense, even up to my face and down to my toes. And in the center is a black hole trying to kill me. Now obviously I haven't felt THAT bad this whole time, but I've felt that bad in bursts this whole time, and in lesser pain in between. I guess it serves me right--I can't skip work because of it... cause I skipped work yesterday for no reason. I think it's also a reaction to overeating (esp. cheese) last night.

The goodness: I actually did not have to take a single call today. This is the first (and probably last) time, but it is what enabled me to cope with work while in pain. 2 hours of it were a team meeting we actually held at Buffalo Wild Wings. Because of the digestive issues, I obviously couldn't eat much (why do these things always happen when I am about to have free food?) but I did manage to suck down a nonalcoholic margarita and about half an order of fries without making anything worse. And of course--two hours of not being at work but still being paid is always swell.

Then, the pivot report normally takes 1/3 to 1/2 of a shift. They've been behind in giving me the numbers by 1 week lately, but they finally caught up so I had 2 to do. I didn't even finish the 2nd one so I have more time off the phone tomorrow! So it was a really awesome workday, though I wish my colon would've let up so I could enjoy it even more.

In non work news, I submitted a resume for a job at a library (I will probably not get it, but trying is something, right?) and stopped at Meijer for some orange juice, advil, and a flu shot. I feel like I got out of the house and actually did something (however minor) for once. So that's good too.

Time to poop.

This is lame... I'm only even sharing it because it's the first I've made in months. What I really wanted to do is have a picture of a pile of dead babies with a sign saying "Pottersville" next to it, but I did not have the drawing expertise. When I stupidly looked up photos to try to see if there was anything to use (I was thinking dolls piled up in a comical manner) I found actual dead babies and felt bad for joking about it all the time.

Anyway, here you go:

dammit

I hate my job so, so much. But yet I continually sabotage my chances of getting the hell out of there.

Seriously: I missed work today. Because I was crying. Some of it was stuff I mentioned in the previous post, and the other bit was I kept thinking, "I can't stand it if someone is mean to me today. I will just totally flip and go crazy." Which... there are 100% odds someone will be mean to me at work. I have better and worse days, but there is always someone. And I just kept thinking of it and couldn't make myself do it. I already have too many absences...

I couldn't really calm down again until A) I called in and told them I couldn't come to work and B) I talked to Tina on the phone for awhile. So yep, that's my awesome story today.

I probably need to just quit and go back to retail or something. But the economy's poop... even if I get a job now it would likely evaporate after the Christmas rush, given this economy. Every time I calm down from a freakout like this (yes, I have them all the time about my stupid fucking job but usually not as bad) I try to convince myself that I'm going to get promoted, and it's a colossal waste if I quit now. But then I freak out again later.

So...

The water in my place is fixed, I guess some gunk got clogged in that little screen over the end of the faucet. After seeing it, I questioned my usual habit of drinking tap water instead of bottled water most of the time. Dunno.

I can't seem to rouse myself into doing anything lately other than going to work, studying insurance education (bleh) and the occaisional outing with Dad or Josh. I feel like time is slipping through the hourglass and I'm totally wasting it. I can't remember what I did today, or the day before, or the day before that. Ten years from now I'm going to look back on my life and wonder what I did with that time and the answer's going to be "lying on the couch." I mean... already I've wasted so much of my life, so I guess I'm just adding to it. But I don't know what I SHOULD be doing, career-wise, and in my free time I just don't have the energy for twisting people's arms into hanging out with me or even figuring out something interesting to do on my own.

I dunno why I decided to post this, I don't want people to pity me or anything. I just can't figure out what it is.

So I got my second obscene call ever tonight. The first one was someone calling and instantly getting into the pervy stuff, whereupon I hung up on him. This guy actually conducted business, and then randomly at the end tacked on, "You sound like you have a good mouth. I bet you you would be great at sucking my dick."

You know, with the last one I tried to make fun of it. I try to be a tough "nothing gets to me," sort of person about this sort of thing. But seriously--not cool. I know this guy doesn't know me and could never find me, but it's creepy as fucking hell. Cause you get to thinking: if this person is fucked up enough to SAY that sort of thing to a person, couldn't he be fucked up enough to be a rapist, or worse? And it gets you to thinking that even if he can't find you, there have to be others like him, and then you're creeped out about rapists and serial killers at every turn. And yeah--thankfully he didn't use the word in reference to me, but he did use the word "rape," during the course of the call, i.e. "I'm going to rape your company for all it's worth." People are horrible, horrible, horrible.

In not horrible news, here is some pumpkin action. I am torn as to whether or not mine (the Joker) is the best. Like... some of our stuff looks really cruddy up close compared to other people's stuff, but on the other hand you could tell we didn't take shortcuts like other people (they pasted on pictures of faces, used little cars and trucks, etc, whereas we made the faces and cars and houses ourselves). Still... there are probably some similar to ours that are better, we had to take some shortcuts at the end (such as that weird bright purple arm), and less of our team really cared than some of the other teams. But overall, I'm proud of our work. As you can probably tell, I did the sign. I also did the torso. I helped out with a lot of other stuff. I particularly like the bat signal as well. It was my idea, but Jared executed it a helluva lot better than I would've.

Oh and this makes more sense when you realize they pushed us to have them be somewhat work related and have our company's logo somewhere on there, and randomly include a toy they gave us (ours is a phone). It bums me out because I think there was more creativity last year, but this year a lot of them are stupid work-related things. I DO love the hamburger helper's reference to the intersections campaign, though. It is brilliant. (though, to date, my favorite mocking of that is my own saying, "Where jerking off meets your downstairs window... yeah, I'm there.") These aren't all of them, just the best ones.

Anyway, here are the pumpkins:















Close ups of joker:

I wonder if I really do need to be on antidepressants. Lately I've taken up crying for no reason. I mean it, absolutey no reason. I find it a disturbing departure from previously, when I was crying a lot but I did have a reason. I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm PMSing or something, but I've never really been a mood-swinging menstruater in the past. I think my periods are actually getting worse lately though, so I don't know.

Work is alright the last couple days, we've been working hard core on the pumpkin, I'll get pictures soon and post them on here. I'm pretty proud of the parts that I did, and feel I've bonded with some of my team mates. As a whole, I think it kicks ass, though there are probably a few things I would've done differently in retrospect. For instance: we started on a lot of the less-important things first, then had to really rush on the more important things. Second, I wish my team members had pitched in a little more, supplies-wise, because 90% of our supplies were things we had to scrounge from around the office. It was lean pickin's, I'll tell you that. I mean, I paid about $6 for cloth and green hairspray and brought in paintbrushes, Connie spent $5 on a wig and had a lot of paint laying around she wasn't using (long story). We stole construction paper. But we had no glue to put any of this together, and no modeling clay (which is what we orig. were going to use for the face). Still, I think ours is the best of the ones out so far! We put in a lot more detail and things we didn't really need to have in there.

I'm kind of bummed: a string of christmas lights I keep in the living room is half out. They're the blue ones Josh gave me last year as a "just because" present, which makes me really sad they're already broken. Why couldn't it be one of the strings I bought myself? I tried replacing a bulb or two but it didn't help. I tried to replace the fuses, but I couldn't get the old ones out. Bleh.

Lastly, but not leastly, I bring you a movie I stumbled upon on Netflix, though I can lift my head up high and say I did manage to resist watching it. Doggy Poo, an actual children's movie that, I kid you not, has an anthromorphic piece of dog shit as the protagonist.

Spam

So today I had spam, thus satisfying the weird white trash part of me that craves it like once a year. It reminds me of Julie's saying that most cravings are because the body is trying to tell you it needs something in that food. So apparently once a year I need a buttload of salt, because that is basically what Spam tastes like and is primarily made up of. Spam is short for "spiced ham" but I don't know where they get that, it should be Sasa, "salt salt."

today

90% of work was boringness as usual, though there were two extra bad ones.

One of them was not even my call, the girl next to me got it. Apparently this guy was a bastard. Now, I guess I think most people who call in are bastards, but this guy takes the cake. He started cursing at her, and saying misogynist things like saying she must be blonde, and, after he got her crying, saying "oh, I made you cry like a little girl? Well I'm glad! I want to make you cry more!" And he was insane and retarded, he'd ask for something and then not let her actually do it. I.E. he originally called in for a quote, but he wouldn't give her his zip code so she could find an agent in the area to give him the quote. He eventually asked her to get him a manager, but wouldn't let her put him on hold so she could get a manager.

She did finally hang up on him, but it was after a good long while of abuse. People kept telling her afterwards, "if I got the call..." and saying things they would've said or did to the man. Which... I dunno, it's great if you're able to think on your feet like that or aren't worried you'll get in trouble, but they were all unrealistic solutions. What I personally would've done was hung up on him, because they have told us we can hang up on people like that. It wouldn't teach him a lesson or keep him from calling back, but it would save me a little grief. I told her that, not in the "if it were me" format like everyone else, but just told her to remember we have the right to hang up on assholes like that.

My own problem is I get assholes not quite far enough over the line that I could hang up on them, which is a pity. As for all sorts of mean people who call in: I really wish I knew what your problem is, that you can just yell at someone for no reason and still feel good about yourselves so that I can go to your house and see if I can fix that problem with a sledgehammer to your face.

My bad call of the day was this crazy asshole. He called up wanting the corporate address. Now.... that address is useless, if I wanted to help this guy I would probably ask probing questions to find out dept he really needs, but I could tell right away he was a dipshit. So anyway I try to give it to him, but he gets angry that my voice is loud and hangs up on me. Which, btw, my voice IS loud in person. But I've taken thousands of calls, many of them with people who feel completely free criticizing my voice to me, and no one else has said that before, and some have even said I'm not loud enough. So I know this guy is just retarded and has his phone on too loud.

Well... lucky me: the 1/200 chance of getting someone the second time they call in happened, and I got him again. So I give him the address, and the name of our CEO which he asked for. I hope he'll go away but then he starts wanting to tell me about his situation. Which, it was claims related and I tried to get him to let me send a message to claims, but he wants to tell me this info personally because he already spoke with claims. Again, I don't act like I normally do, I BLUNTLY tell him (usually I'd say the same thing but with more finesse but I know this guy won't understand finesse) that telling me doesn't do anything, I'm not related in any way to his claim and the information he gives me personally will go nowhere. But he still keeps trying to tell me. His story is liberally peppered with, "You know what I'm sayin'" so finally every time he says it I start saying, "No, I told you, I DON'T know what you're saying, I have no training in claims, I would have no idea why they made a specific judgement, to find out you would actually need to speak to THEM." Finally, he busts out the word "fraud," which anyone who says fraud is immediately given to a supervisor and he's finally off my hands. What a great way to end the night.

disturbing

So I noticed last night and today that my place smells somewhat like industrial fumes. Like spraypaint, hairspray, or nail polish or something. I think I would be less worried if I knew where it was coming from, but I'm not sure.

In addition: the water pressure in my bathroom sink is down to dripping, basically. I had a similar problem (reduced water pressure, to a lesser degree) in my kitchen awhile ago and it just went away on it's own, so I was hoping this would. But it's not so I guess I'm going to talk to a plumber or something. All I know is it's annoying as hell when you don't even have enough water to rinse your toothbrush at night. But the shower, right there, works fine.

It's kind of annoying that it always seems like there's something I have to be doing to this place. Like... my ghetto old place I only ever had like 2 problems the entire time I lived there, whereas nice new place, always something busted.

Other stuff: work is okay. I mean, I still hate the actual work part of work, but we've had a lot of decent extracurricular stuff, so to speak. I was really worried about this basket thing I helped put together for my team to auction off and give the proceeds to United Way, but in the end Connie (the other person who worked on it) and I prevailed! It is nice and getting decent bids. We're working on decorating a pumpkin to look like Joker from Dark Knight, and I'm hoping it'll look awesome. We get to have a team meeting at Buffalo Wild Wings soon (2 hours off the phone, free food).

bleh

Today, summarized:

I eat something.
My stomach starts to bubble & make noises in the manner of a mad scientist's beaker or test tube.
I feel pain.
I poop water.
Repeat.

The longer version: I don't know what's up with that, maybe it's a cheese thing. It seems like I can tolerate less and less cheese, which makes me angry at the world.

My right ear has water in it or something. Like, I don't know how most people are, but whenever I swim I used to put these alcohol drops in my ear so they would dry out and not have water inside to give me an ear infection. It was like a religion in our family, we all had to do it. When I didn't, I could hear water in my ear for awhile. I sometimes got that from a shower too, but not for a long time. But I guess today I do. I don't really want to have to go out and find the right type of alcohol, though. Plus, it hurts like hell. Like... not for regular people, my sis and mom never had problems with it hurting. But if you are constantly either scratching an itch the inside of your ear or trying to pick out wax, like my dad and I, it is irritated in there and pouring alcohol on it stings really really bad.

Work was alright. We're working on this pumpkin decorating thing. I have sadly self-appointed myself to finding a joker wig, and or hair dye to put on it. Why couldn't I have just gotten one of the easy or more plentiful things? Then I also had toastmasters, which is always fun. I was general evaluator, and kind of fucked it up, but everyone was cool about it. I'm thinking of being toastmaster again or finally finally finally giving a second speech. I'm also being a vote counter or something in our district contest. The actual work part of work: as lame as usual, but oh well.

I guess the good thing is not today, but yesterday, when Josh let me know things are still cool and when he went yesterday it was because he really did want to be alone and it had nothing to do with me. Also, tomorrow should be good, because it's my day off and Julie and I are going to see a movie!

So I didn't show up to that job interview, which is retarded. Yeah, I don't want that job in and of itself that bad, but I do so very much want to get out of where I am right now. I just had some sort of retarded panic attack and couldn't make myself do it. I'm going to have the same awful job I have now forever until I go crazy or die and I have no one else to blame but my stupid self. I mean I've made TONS of bad decisions that led me here, but fucking not even going to an interview you have set up is probably the most blindingly obvious one.

Then I felt like shit and all depressed, and Josh felt like shit and all depressed about his own problems, and we felt crappy about each others problems and he left earlier than he planned, and wouldn't let me drive him home like we had originally planned. He says it's not about me, but I worry.

Also I bought an electric mixer and my meringue still is shitty.

bleh....

I feel like my self esteem is at an all time low.

Today I had a ton of customers just fucking hang up on me while I'm in the middle of a fucking sentence. While I'm trying to fucking explain something to their ungrateful asses. Total fucking assholes... I mean once in awhile I will get someone who does it, but I just got a bunch of them tonight.

Then I went home and made the shittiest lemon meringue pie ever. I don't know why, but I think since I've been baking my self esteem has sort of gotten caught up in it. Like, "look, here's something I'm actually good at!" but now I've failed for the first time since I really got into it and I feel like crap. Especially since I was making it for Josh, he really likes meringue and the whole time I've been planning to make this I was thinking of how much he would like it.

Then I also feel crappy because I cleaned the hell out of this place on Weds and now, thanks to the baking, it's already dirty again. It looks like I didn't even give a shit someone was visiting and I didn't care to make it nice for him. But I did. And I really don't have the energy to re-clean.

I have a stupid interview tomorrow for a job I don't want and likely will not get. I don't really feel like waking up early and blowing smoke up these people's asses.

Crap crap crap I feel like crap.

Yay!

Tina sent me the beautiful Hasselhof gif on the right to creep people out (and to replace that old, old Indiana Jones ad). While I was at it, I decided to add 2 other things in the sidebar I've been enjoying lately: Adagio tea and that Ben Folds guy I can't shut up about.

I'm pretty much in heaven right now, staring at creepy David Hasselhof, listening to Ben Folds, and drinking delicious mango tea.

Effingham

phoemeister (4:16:15 PM): I also found out the effington song is totally wrong.... I kept wanting to say "effingham" instead of "effington" because I thought the town was effingham, and I looked it up and I was right, there is no effington
GOWALLSGO (4:21:11 PM): either one would have made sense though
phoemeister (4:21:38 PM): yeah I dunno if he just didn't like the sound of effingham as much, or if he just forgot it was effingham
GOWALLSGO (4:21:53 PM): maybe he didn't want someone to think of suing him
phoemeister (4:22:32 PM): haha maybe... the song is pretty much about fuckin'
phoemeister (4:22:48 PM): but I mean lots of towns have songs saying they suck I think. And this isn't even saying that, per se
GOWALLSGO (4:24:20 PM): maybe he made up effington because it's like compton but it begins with effing which is slang for sex
phoemeister (4:24:35 PM): haha I don't know
phoemeister (4:24:46 PM): I mean the effing is why he liked the town name I think
phoemeister (4:25:05 PM): because the song is stuff like, "are they effing in their cars? effing in the fields? efffing in their homes? in effington?"
GOWALLSGO (4:25:07 PM): but if he used the actual town, effingham, it's boinking pigs which is no fun
phoemeister (4:25:15 PM): hahah yeah I thought of that too

well, well, well

My dad just gave me cortaid (anti-itch ointment for bug bites) that expired the year I graduated from high school.

OH MY GOD

I can die now.

One of my favorite musical artists, Sufjan Stevens, wrote 2 albums about my state. My town is mentioned in one of them.

One of my favorite writers, Neil Gaiman, wrote a book that partly takes place in my state. My town is mentioned in it.

And now, now, my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE MUSICIAN, Ben Folds, has an album named after my town. There is a song, partly about a town in this area called Effington (and named Effington) but also about my town. And it's an awesome song! I actually forgot--I have heard it before! The last time he stopped here he sang it as one of his off the cuff improvised songs he often does. I'm so glad my town somewhat inspired art (granted, it's for the annoying thing of joking about Normal, but he does it in a new way and is more making fun of Effington's name).


If there's a god,
he's laughing at us
And our football team.

Effington could be a wonderful f'ing place
I can see it from the highway
And I'm wondering
Are they f'ing in their yards
f'ing in their cars
f'ing in the trailers and the backroads and the parking lots of Effington
Making my way to Normal, Illinois.

Maybe I should ditch this little white rental on the interstate
And start a new f'ing life...in effington
I could change my name, grow a beard, start a family
Or I could just keep moving on, moving on, moving on, moving on
Not stop 'til I get to Normal.

I want to live in Effington
I want to die there too.
Please bury me in Effington
In Effington
In Effington
Oh

I've got this movie in my mind of Effington
And the soundtrack to it sounds like this

(when he did it live he did sort of a porno-sounding riff there, but in the DVD it is not porno-y).

And then the people who live in Normal
Can buy the movies that I'll make in Effinghton
That's what normal people do
Normal people do it too
Normal people do it too

Now why he isn't stopping here on the support tour, I will never know.

yaay

Yesterday was pretty sweet. Due to various meetings and projects, I didn't have to spend much time on the phone at work. I made a pumpkin pie for my team meeting, and it was tasty and very easy to make. I also unveiled a team folder project I had been working on and it was well-recieved.

The other nice thing is that fall is aparently the time of year for extra activities at work, because we have a couple coming up that I get to be involved with. More time off the phone! More fun!

Oh and I almost forgot, I got this tea I ordered online awhile ago yesterday, and it is really good. Plus an electric kettle so I don't have to be the person who ghettoly microwaves water for tea anymore. I'm looking at getting a nice teapot in the future but all the cool ones cost money. I guess I'll just have to keep using that one I stole off the homeless guy in the street.

EDIT: Man I can't believe I forgot to post about this but a couple days ago Julie and I went to Medieval times! It was really awesome and there were lots of cool horseys. It seems mostly andalusians (I think the whole thing is sort of based on Spain in medival times) but the herald guy had a friesan. I was able to look over to Julie and say, "I breed imaginary versions of that on the internet!" Instead I didn't say that, and she still thinks I am sane. I do think I mentioned Howrse to her when we were looking at the horses in their little air-conditioned stalls beforehand, though. They are really bizarre-ly still horses. Julie thought it might be the fact that there's no flies.

I bought an overpriced keychain and we sprung for a photo of ourselves in medival garb. We posed in front of a green screen and they added green hills and a horsey in the background. I look sort of sarcastic and Julie looks like she's bonking the horse on the nose, but all in all I am happy with it.

So they acted out a story, I don't know whether or not it was based on any real incidents in Spanish history, but basically the prince was kidnapped while securing peace with a kingdom that they'd recently been at war with. The rest of the family had to go on with this feast they were putting on for the nobles (us). It turns out the son of the warring kingdom didn't want peace. He cheats at the games at the feast and says there will not be peace. The prince comes back and fights him. The guy's dad still wants peace. The prince wins, there's peace, everyone wins, woo! So basically the knights did tricks, the horses did tricks, and they had a falconer too.

The food was actually really good as well. Coming from someone as picky as me, that's a compliment. So delicious roast chicken (half a chicken, I'm not kidding), tomato soup, a rib (that seemed weird to include, but okay, it tasted pretty good), apple pastry, garlic bread. And we ate it with our hands!

The long bus ride disagreed with me, but it was worth it. Yay!

bleh

Today was shitty.

1) I actually accidently ended up in the middle of a funeral procession today. I was in the lane next to them and the lanes merged. I panicked and ended up in the middle of it, much to the anger of the participants. I felt their burning hatred on me for most of the tortoise-speed crawl down Washington Avenue. Awesome. They also honked at me every time I tried to obey traffic laws.

2) actual shit, painful poops galore too. The blood in my stool seems to be more often and more each time, which means I should probably get to a doctor.

3) Dinner with my sister's family. JESUS CHRIST, can we NOT keep going to the same GODDAMN restaurant that doesn't have chocolate milk, or bring our own? The Phew had a meltdown last time and was barely better today. And of course both phews were sick, and the little one wouldn't stop crying. Why the hell do we never just get fucking carryout, they hate restaurants and won't behave in them.

4) I hate insurance education but don't want to fail.

So everyone at work seems sick. I'm trying to choke down as much vitamin C as humanly possible to see if it helps. I fucking hate Airborne, btw, that shit is gross. I have my doubts, too. I mean, I would not be advertizing the fact that it's made by a school teacher. If this guy was a kindergarten teacher about all he/she needs to know is letters, colors, and shapes. Now if it's "made by a scientist at *prestigious place* FOR school teachers, or tested on school teachers, here are some peer-reviewed articles we wrote about it in major medical journals that explain our results" I'd get it. Still I guess their marketing worked somehow cause I got some. Or rather Kroger generic version of it. It's still way too expensive. But I hate being sick and I really will get in trouble if I have like one more absence.

I don't think I gave myself enough time for the insurance education. I started late, on the grounds that it would be boring to re-read it all again closer to time for the test but I didn't realize how much shit they packed into this book. I could definitely read it in a month, but I don't know how much I'd retain. So I'm trying to take notes or whatever, I hate re-reading notes but actually writing them seems to make the info stick better. We'll see. I'm probably freaking out over nothing, this particular test is multiple choice. Still I'll be using at least two or three hours per day on this unforgiving piece of shit for the next month. and it kind of pisses me off.

I have an interview on Thurs. I don't think I'll get it, it's in a competative area. To give you a picture: a couple months ago I interviewed for the job level below this job and didn't get it. I have a less competative one sometime like mid October. Get me the fuck out of this place.

I guess that's all I have for now.

ha!

I found some things I drew for friends.

Yes, I am retarded. They still made me laugh, though.

Achooooo

I love Asthmatic Kitty (indie record label). Not only do they offer free music (most indie record labels do) but they actually encourage you to share it with others, too. I mean I guess it is good marketing for them, but that is basically the opposite strategy the big guys use.

And of course the other nice thing about them is they have good music ;)

Anyway, here's some tracks from Rafter...

Juicy (my favorite)

Sweat

Salt

bleh

So I guess I've alienated Rebecca to the point where she will never speak to me again, which puts me up to a grand total of 3 people I've done this to in my life thus far. What is wrong with me? How do I keep doing this? I guess the only comfort is that we weren't really talking anyway. But I digress: the reason I'm pretty sure she won't talk to me at all is I have this promo Monty Python fluxx card I got for free that I don't really want. I emailed her to see if she wanted me to mail it to her (she loves both MP & Fluxx) and she never emailed back.

Things with the water seem pretty much resolved. I sucked up a lot of the water with some carpet shampoo-er thing my dad has. Then I used fans on it. I've been keeping my fans far longer than I probably need to, but I'm afraid the dry surface hides wet carpet pad. I really don't want mold in there and have to replace carpeting that is basically brand new.

Josh visited again, and it was good. We frisbee golfed, and it was beautiful outside. We watched some movies, and he bought Season 3 of Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which was hilarious. I especially liked the rock band episode with the two bizarre songs, Nightman/Dayman. I made an apple pie, which turned out pretty well. I also made black-bottom pie, which unfortunately has rum in it. Which unfortunately, neither Josh nor I like. I don't know why I still put it in, I thought it wouldn't be that strong. But seriously, after putting it into my fridge for a couple of hours, the fridge reeked of booze. Josh still liked it enough to eat most of it, though, so I don't have to throw it away or pawn it off on anyone. It's a good enough pie otherwise that I might make it again but with vanilla or citrus flavoring in place of the rum. Also, through the making of this pie, I realized I could make meringue, so I might be making a lemon meringue pie in the near future. At one point Josh started maniacally laughing because he was "so content." The laughing was weird, but the sentiment made me feel good.

Spore has gotten better, space stage is more fun. I've sadly been playing it nonstop. My imaginary horses are getting neglected. It sucks that Howrse is such a rat-race-y game, you stop for a couple of days and everyone horses get better relative to yours.

I'm kind of irritated, the lady who got the job I wanted was this chick who I'd talked about it with previously and had not even really wanted the job that badly. Poops. I have another job interview in October, I guess. Some claims position I don't want that badly (but that I want more than what I have now, I guess).

I guess that's all the updates I have right now.

Today was pretty good. Julie called me out of the blue, and we talked for awhile then hung at noodles. She's always fun, and noodles are always good. We also happily conferred about our upcoming trip to Medieval Times soon. It is super-exciting! I have to say, I'm excited just in general that Julie's moving back to town. Aside from the aforementioned trip, we also have hazy future movie plans, based mostly on a) both of us like children's movies and no one else ever wants to watch them b) I want her to hear the creepy "wehrenberg" whispers at the Galaxy theatre.

Yesterday was the poops. I woke up to a good portion of my living room soaked. I left the window open over night, which I guess was a stupid move. My dad (who I borrowed a wet vac from) kept saying things like, "couldn't you tell it was going to rain?" "Didn't you know Ike was coming?" I kept saying things like, "I've watched my open window before when it's been raining hard, even when it's been windy and not a drop has come in. This stuff had to have come in almost horizontal to have gotten in." I was lucky, my TV was just out of water range, and my computer chair shielded my computer. We'll see how my little CD player is doing... it was drenched, so probably not well.

The day before that (or the day before that I get my days confused) I managed to stupidly injure myself on christmas lights.

Well

Stuff got a little better, Josh & I got over the stuff in my last post. And he visited. And I had a day off work, and took an extra day off work, and given that I hate work, that was good. And he and I had a lot of fun going through Target looking at their halloween crap. He had mad props for the Buckeye Cake I made.

Stuff with Rebecca is still the same, I guess. She's on AIM all the time, but I decided not to be all desperate and message her first, seeing as how every time I've messaged her first lately has ended up as an arguement. Maybe if I wait till she actually wants to talk to me (if that ever happens) things will go better? I dunno, it sucks so bad. I already missed her friendship when I didn't have the constant reminder that she IS online and doesn't particularly want to talk to me.

Today was kind of crap, I'm too lazy to type it out again so here's an excerpt from an email:

The actual work
wasn't any worse than usual, but there was this promotion I was
really, really, really hoping I would get, I interviewed for it a
little while ago, and my supervisor said I made the short list. And
it was one of the few jobs I've applied for because it sounded like
something I'd actually like to do, as opposed to "ANYTHING TO GET OUT
OF WHERE I AM NOW." So right at the beginning of work today I had an
email saying they picked someone else.

One good thing though is that I got chosen to take over "the pivoting
report" which is just basically one person gets this raw data on how
much everyone's pivoted each week and takes it and organizes it into
something presentable and sends it to everyone. I wasn't that happy
about it, because I would've rather gotten the goddamn promotion, but
it is a pretty sweet deal--at least one hour a week off the phones +
looking good on my records + the fact that only one person does it,
somehow they thought of me out of everyone at the CRC, I take that as
a compliment. I'm not even that great of a pivoter, I do just enough
to look like I'm trying. I think I do steadier numbers than a lot of
people though, so maybe that's it.

The other bummer about today: Spore is really not very good. Like
the creating the creatures or whatever is kind of fun (though
obviously, I was already doing that for free). In fact, creating the
creatures gets less fun when you start playing the game because you
have points you have to earn to afford body parts and all that. But
the actual game is like, so fucking simplistic/easy that it's boring.
Waste o' money. I wish the packaging had made it more obvious that
it's a kid's game.

Continuing the theme of how butt-hurt I am about life right now, last night I had a woman scream "asshole!" at me, and another who said, "Why do you even answer the phone? You're a big waste of everyone's time."

WHY WHY WHY? I need to quit and get another job, I guess. I just feel like all the time I have spent at this retarded job will be wasted if I don't stick with it to get a promotion.

Plus the economy's so shitty right now that my already bad chances at getting anything non-soul killing will be even worse. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.

Then I spoke with Rebecca last night, which is a whole sub-category of bad in and of itself. Now this is purely from my perspective, which obviously is flawed, I have no idea why she is acting the way she is. She might have valid reasons, but I am having difficulties figuring them out. But basically I feel like she abandoned me when I needed people the most, but I was too much of a pussy to come out and say it to her and came off of as this passive agressive jackass. You see, the trouble with saying what you mean is that it often drives people away. And when the people are already drifting away, you don't want to push them farther. But the trouble with halfway saying what you mean is you do push them away still, but they get mad at you for lying to them on top of any anger they would've felt anyways for what you said. But yeah, that's it. I sort of told her I was mad that she hasn't talked to me, but then immediately took it back and pretended like I hadn't said it. She in turn seems mad at me, even before this, and I can't figure out why. Every time I talk to her it's this big horrible thing, but I can't help trying because I miss her so damn much.

Then I retardedly forwarded the conver onto my best friend to see if he could make heads or tails of it or figure out why she is mad to me. Unfortunately, my best friend is Josh and I forgot that we discussed him in there briefly. See, Rebecca's opinion of Josh is that he's psychotic. Because basically all she knows about the breakup is I IMed her one day, "Josh and I broke up because he secretly hates me." That was basically the whole conversation, because she refuses talk to me other than IM, and the only time she could access the internet was at work, she got busy after that and never got any clarification. She thought he genuinely stayed with me for some reason for six months secretly hating my guts for some reason the whole time. What I meant was he didn't really love me anymore and had been unhappy for a good chunk of the relationship. And since she thinks he's crazy, she dislikes him. SO I wasn't about to just admit that he's my best friend, we still occaisionally accidently sleep together, I love him more than anything, and even so I'm content with how things are going right now, and I don't mind doing the work to transition from what we were to regular friends. I said men are too much trouble, I'd rather masturbate, there's only one man I want and I can't have him. She said that keeping him close is making it difficult for me to get over him. Instead of defending him and saying that even DURING multiple breakups he was closer to me and supported me more through this difficult time in my life more than any of my supposedly "close" friends, including her, I just kept it short and said that I'm not about to get rid of the only close friend I have living in this area. So of course he feels bad that he's supposedly ruining me and keeping me from moving on. He feels like he's fucking me up worse. He feels like I'm only friends with him because I can't get anyone else to be my friend.

Well newsflash: it took me 25 years to get a boyfriend in the first place, it's not like I've been having all these great opportunities to hook up with people and am turning them down because of him. Also: losing my best friend at this point over some stupid conversation I had would fuck me up way worse than getting over him slower. Lastly I DO have friends but he is still my favorite, because he is a caring, thoughtful, fun person no matter how much he thinks he isn't, and I do feel close to him--which IS admittedly rare for me these days but would be valuable even if it wasn't rare.

Lastly today was just crappy too. My grandpa visited. I know he was having health difficulites at the time, but I'm kind of mad at him that he didn't see mom before she died. I mean, he was alright to fly to New Hampshire and visit his girlfriend's relatives, but he wasn't alright to fly here? And of course this meant hanging out with my sister too, because basically all he cares about is seeing her kids. The times he did talk to me it was about my job which is my least favorite thing of all time to talk about. Then of course the Phew was being a brat again and it's painful to be around him at all anymore.

So...

Last night at work I had a woman who screamed, "Are you even awake?" into the phone when I answered it. That was awesome.

And while I'm sure that woman (don't even get me started on the rest of that call), and many others, are just simply dicks, I have to wonder if people are even more hostile to me than other reps because of my voice. No one else I know gets, "Your voice is so nasal," or, "you sound tired!" or "You sound monotone!" at all, much less at the rate I get told. I've even had nice people who call me at home think I sound tired or like I just woke up even when I'm fine.

Either way, the world is a horrible place. I'm not kidding--anyone you know, even love or care about could be one of these people. People who yell at strangers over the phone who they know darn well didn't cause their problem in the first place are BAD PEOPLE. I don't care if they go to church or give to charity or are your sweet old grandma. It's what you do when you think no one knows that counts. Plus, I can't say for sure, but I'm pretty sure these are the sort of people that would've gone along with the holocaust, or any horrible world event you can think of because they like feeling more powerful than others.

well

Today has been pretty good.

Its my first day in some time that I haven't had to go do something with my dad. Not to down him, I understand he's under some stress & pain of his own, but I tire of the constant emails trying to get me to take my mom's shoes (her & I had the same shoe size, but I actually wear shoes much larger than my size because my feet are freakishly wide) or this or that.

I slept till 2 pm, which I really did not mean to do and will probably fuck me up when I try to get to sleep tonight, but felt good.

I cleaned a ton, which I needed a ton. To be honest, any given day that I work I probably have enough time to clean about as much as I did today. But I never feel like cleaning on a work day. I'm a terrible procrastinator, but I've realized that I don't necessarily put things off till the last minute, I put them off until I feel like doing them, which is unfortunately not as often as I should do them. I still have to do my laundry (I clean only the bare minimum of what I need and then clean it over and over again while the rest of my stuff sits in baskets or all over the floor getting wrinklier and wrinklier) which due to my lack of will is a terrible mess, but at least the main part of this place (living room + kitchen) is presentable again.

Though, given my recent penchant for cooking/baking, the kitchen never stays nice long. Speaking of which, I made turkey tonight! Not a whole one, like a frozen breast or something, but it turned out tasty. The gravy turned out sort of too watery and too salty, and definitely not as strongly turkey-y as my mom's. I dunno if I'm going to eat it or not. I froze about half of the turkey to eat some other time, and ate all the outside bits from the side I didn't freeze (had all the seasonings, I put this Emeril Lagasse-endorsed stuff on the outsides). Then I kind of ripped off that thing Julie does where she pulls all the chicken apart, puts barbecue sauce on it, and puts it into burritos with cheese or whatever else one would prefer (tonight I put some refried beans in there). Delicious!

So I have to do dishes all over again.... but I have a dishwasher. Thank jeebus.

Now I'm trying to make myself do the laundry or organize the MP3's some people have donated, but I doubt it'll get done. Partly because I do have a really bad headache. I actually have a really bad headache nearly every day, but lately I'm trying to not take advil unless I'm at work or something where I'll go insane if I don't get headache relief. Basically because I think it's bad that I take advil every day. Partly because I'm lazy and don't feel like it anymore.

Well...

I decided to bite the bullet and... well... take the bullet (har har har). If I hate it I have it on good authority I can trade it for $60 bucks worth of crap at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. My main concern is that though they say it's smaller than a blender, it really actually takes up the same amount of space as a blender, and then has 80 other fucking things that are like the top part of a blender that I'll have to find space for.

Now I think technically I do have a little space in my cupboards still, but it just seems useless to clog it up with random shit just because I can. Especially since my dad's latest thing sounds like I'm going to be getting a lot of cheap-ass tupperware knock-offs soon that I'm going to have to find space for. (I might just chuck that or chuck the cheap ass tupperware knock-offs I've already got). The annoying fucking thing about having too much of this stuff is trying to find a lid that matches a container before you can store anything. I already go hulk smash with anger most of the time attempting this feat, then give up and use a plastic bag. Adding more shapes and sizes is a recipe for badness....

So I did hang out with the fam on Sat and it was slightly better than the time before. But I think tomorrow when I go to my Dad's house it's going to be tupperware time (and hence-annoying).

Before that I hung out with Josh. I wish we could've hung out longer but he had work and I had the aforementioned family togetherness. We both have been having crazy work schedules lately (him--insane boss, me--hurricane season. My sched is not so crazy, just less flexible than usual). So some of my plans seem to be going astray (we were going to make real mashed potatoes together like we did at thanksgiving). But the nice thing about hanging with Josh is that I can have a lot of fun just watching TV or doing nothing in particular too.

Lastly, but not leastly, I made some Pumpkin Scones which were alright but not fantastic like I thought they would be. Like, I think I did it right, but it's just not as flavorful of a recipe as I was hoping for. Plus I'm pretty sure I gained a ton of weight eating the entire stick of butter in there.

Well....

Is there any reason on god's green earth I should want a Magic Bullet as opposed to a blender and/or food processor? Cause I already have a blender and if I wanted it, I could probably have mom's food processor as well.

Anyway, I guess my mom bought a magic bullet (am I weird for thinking of the Kennedy assasination like, EVERY time I read the name of this thing?) shortly before she got sick, so this thing is basically like brand new, and my dad wants to know if I want it. Mom did have the occaisional penchant for buying a strange kitchen gadget, which she usually didn't end up using. But the bizarre thing is--most of the things she's gotten in the past at least seem cool, or like they would be cool if they worked. Whereas... I look at this thing and go, "It's a blender. I already have a blender. What is the difference?" Honestly, has anyone seen the infomercial, or read the description on the link and see any benefit whatsoever from this thing over a blender?

I dunno. Maybe I should still take it even if it is poopy... The blender I do have is kind of an old ghetto one which I recieved from, weirdly enough, the antichrist,* who didn't want it anymore. But it seems annoying to have to keep all the stupid attachments & different cups for it all over. Whereas a blender is a blender.

For that matter--what is the difference between a blender and a food processor, exactly? I've never been 100% clear on that.

___
* My ex-boss. Honestly, this random act of kindness (i.e. giving me a blender that actually works semi-alright most of the time) from someone who hated me so much always puzzles me whenever I blend. I often wonder if it was supposed to electrocute me or something and failed in its mission.

I hate, hate, hate hanging out with my dad lately. I mean I don't mind doing most stuff with him, but what he wants to do lately is make my sister and me paw through my mom's stuff and decide what we want to take. I'd just like one goddamn day off, one time to see him, where it's not this shit. I hate going through my own things, or be forced into doing anything when I'm not in a mood to do it, much less this stuff. Plus he's trying to make me take things I don't even want.

I got in a fight with him and my sister. He thought I would like a pot she had recently bought to make this one kind of soup. Which I do--that soup was one of our family traditions, and delicious besides. No one else seems to want to bother. But then I got to asking him how I should do it--because all the recipes on the internet for making beef stock are full of this BS extra work I don't think mom ever did. He confirmed yes, all she did was boil the soup bones. I told him the main reason I was looking at recipes was cause I was trying to get an idea of how much beef you needed per how much water.

He was telling me he thought he knew how much because he knew how much she used before. But.... the pot he's giving me, it's half the size of the one she used. It's still one bigass pot, and more than big enough, but it's not going to be reliable for measurements. I tried to tell him that, and him and Lori kept telling me that it's more than big enough, even though I told them over and over I realized that. It sort of culminated with him asking me why I never asked her when she was around, and me screaming, "I did, she didn't want to just tell me, we were going to do it together, but I guess now we never will."

Then I went away to cry. Then later my dad noticed, and asked me what was wrong and I told him, "Mom is dead, that's what's wrong," angrily.

The day sucked anyway... I tried to make fresh scones for him and my sister and they weren't interested. Why I met with so much resistance for actually trying to do something nice for people, I don't know. I mean, I'd already made the dough all I had to do is pop it in the oven for 15 minutes.

Then we went to lunch and I got stuck in one of those positions where you feel like a retard because the person at the counter says next and you can't tell if they're talking to you or not and you get confused. I tried to just make my sister go first, because she kept telling me to go up there because she thought we were next, and she randomly decided she didn't want to and kept making me. I started yelling at her that if she is so sure that they want us next she should talk to them. Then she took that as license to not only order first, but to order FOR me. Then I tried to tell her I wanted the vegetables off mine and she got mad at me and told me to talk to the lady at the counter and tell her that, which I didn't want to because she'd already seen me acting like a schizophrenic shouting at my sister this whole time and probably hated me.

Then at dinner her fucking kid loudly cried for like 10 minutes because they didn't have chocolate milk at the restaurant. Instead of yelling at him to stop or ignoring him, she kept trying to placate him with offers of other drinks he didn't want, and making the poor waiter stand there waiting for our order while she did it. At one point she said, "does anybody have a knife?" because she needed to cut up food for her other crying kid (this kid's crying was legit--he's a baby and had a cold) and I thought, "If I had access to a knife, your firstborn would not be alive right now."

The one good thing that happened today is I've pretty much been vindicated RE: how awful my previous downstairs neighbors were. I went to the second condo assoc. meeting they've actually told me about since I've lived here and I mentioned the vandalization of my car--and another person actually had those bastards BREAK INTO THEIR CAR after having an altercation with them. So yeah--it is DEFINITELY safe to say that those assholes slashed my tires, keyed my car twice, and probably even stole my tire iron. Jokes on you though, fuckers: I have triple A and had no intention of changing my own tire anyway. But it WAS annoying trying to find it later. Either way I'm glad they moved. The guy living there now is related to them somehow, but thankfully seems a lot less assholey.

Yay

Nerdy music talk that won't mean anything to most people:

I'm really excited about the new Ben Folds album. It's actually the only music this year I've really gotten excited over other than the new Wolf Parade (which was a total disappointment). I pre-ordered it, and they gave me two tracks instantly.

I really like that these two tracks seem richer and more orchestral (i.e. more different instruments). More Rockin' the Suburbs than Songs for Silverman. Which is good considering I love the first and am apathetic on the last.

I also love that Hiroshima (BBB Benny Hits His Head) is SO Ben. Anyone can write a good song about something like love. It takes a special, special person to write a good song about doing something retardedly embarassing like falling down in front of a large group of Japanese people. And he makes it somehow actually poetic, but funny and down to earth as the actual incident.


It was the start of the show
Hiroshima
and the people were shouting my name
as the house lights came down
and the spotlight followed me out
I waved down low to the crowd
as I busted ass on the front of the stage

They're watching me, watching me fall

Maybe it was the course of adrenaline
as the concrete rose to meet my face
Maybe it was the sheer embarrassment
that kept me concious and standing as I
crawled back on the stage
and started pounding out the first song
There was blood on the keyboard...
..Oh my God.

They're watching me, watching me fall

You wanna see what's in my head?
You wanna see what's in my head?
You wanna see what's in my head?
Check it out 'cause;
I got pictures of what's in my head
I got pictures of what's in my head
They took of me in Tokyo
And I brought 'em back with me to the USA

They're watching me, watching me fall

It's been a very good week. Work has been slow, slow, slow (though that will change today), which has been nice. Today I enjoyed my first real non-imaginary tea party with the gals (Anna, Julie, Deanna) and it was very enjoyable. Then the guys (Pat, Lothar) joined us, which was nice too. Also awesome: Julie is moving to BN again!

Saturday I had peeps over for dinner, and it went swell. People liked my cooking, we played fun games, and had pie.

Before that I had Josh over. He praises all of the cooking repetoire I am slowly developing, which makes me feel good. We watched some mad awesome TV together and played games. Plus he gave me some much-needed music to replace what I lost.

Before that, I made roast beef for the first time! Special thanks goes to Tina, who put up with my incessant interogation about the process.

comics

The first two are mostly related to my mom's funeral:





This one is designed to get two songs in your head at once:



This one just is.

I would walk

I've seen this sort of thing a million times, done better or done worse. But this one was so cute I have to pass it on.



Oh, and what the hell:



First one, courtesy of Tina, second one: All me, baby.

I had the worst call at work last night I've had in a very long time. The worst, perhaps, since the time I first started working there and EVERY call seemed worse than it was cause I didn't know how to handle the customers yet.

I've heard the definition of crazy is someone doing the same thing over and over again--and expecting a totally different outcome from their previous efforts. And boy oh boy, was this lady crazy. Now, I don't know why, but I frequently will have people ask me the same question 3 or 4 times and expect me to suddenly change my tune. But I've never had someone who asks me the same 2 or 3 questions over and over for a solid half hour (my average call handle time is about 5 minutes if that gives you a picture on how long I had to deal with this woman). You know, if she doesn't believe my answers, which is the only reason I can see that she might've been doing this, I'm not sure why she didn't just go and ask someone else at a certain point.

Anyway, the other really, really annoying thing about this lady is that she kept interupting me, and then getting mad when I wouldn't stop so that she could ask me the same question for the 80th time. I keep resisting the urge to use the term "pet peeve," since this would annoy anyone, but I get insane with rage when this happens. I don't get mad at interuptions so much--everyone does it. It's when the person actually gets mad at me for finishing my goddamn sentence despite their interuption so that they can get the fucking information they're badgering me about in the first place. If I wait for them (especially this lady) to finish their thought after they interupt me, I will only have to start the sentence over again and have them interupt me again, and NEVER get to the goddamn point.

But I also had one of the best calls too. Now my favorite call ever is still the guy who called in thinking we were publisher's clearing house and wouldn't believe me that we were not. But this is up there. I answer the phone, and I don't know if this person is saying it to me or someone in the background (cause I hung up right away) but their response was, "I'm going to fuck your ass, you fuck ass nigger." I don't know why, but random profanity possibly directed at me, including a slur meant for a race I'm not even a part of, made me laugh. We were having an exeptionally slow day so I turned to a couple of coworkers.

"I just got called an F-word, A-word, N-word."
"What?"
"F-word, A-word, N-word. I'm pretty sure I'll get fired if I tell you straight out, especially the last one."
"That's weird."
"Yeah, especially since, to the best of my knowledge, I don't sound particularly ethnically diverse."
"Yes you do."
"What?"
"You sound like a robot."
"I don't think people use racial slurs on robots."
"Of course they do! I use racial slurs on robots all the time! They plan to overthrow us."

So there are funny people at work--the rare times I actually am able to speak to them.

But in general, I got off work in a really good mood. I'm set to hang out with this chick from work today. We get along really well but for whatever reason have not made the transition to "hang out outside work" very often before this and it has never stuck. But I'm hoping this time!

I'm also going to start working on this new project that I'm very excited about. It's basically creating a folder in outlook for stuff for my team. I'm excited about it because 1) it is time off the phones, invaluable for someone in my position 2) it requires organizing things, which I have a nerdy love of, so I think I'll actually like DOING the project*, and 3) part of it is going to be picking a rep on my team each month to write about and let everyone get to know. Which... I don't think it will be as cool as the employee of the month posters I used to do for everyone at Borders, but I bet I can get a little creativity into it, and I'll really like that as well 4) It looks awesome to anyone who might be willing to promote me that I took the initiative to suggest this, then create it and maintain it, even give presentations on it to the team.

_____
* Anyone who knows me knows I'm not an organized person, I have crap all over my house. But, I really DO have a weird love of going through my CD's and alphabetizing them, or going through my books and organizing them, or even trying to organize things in my computer files (though that last is a losing battle).

Is it just me, or is cremains WAY too goofy of a word for what it describes? (cremated remains)

the dashboard melted but we still had the radio

It's been an interesting few days. Obviously not pleasant. I've cried some, but I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be. Part of me is still waiting for it to happen. Part of me thinks I already worked through most of the grief during various meltdowns I had while mom was still sick. I'm still not sure.

Also, thanks to everyone who has offered support.

I struggled quite a bit on how to put this, as text seems cold and unemotional. I guess I myself feel cold and unemotional, because I can't believe that it happened at all, much less this fast.

My mom died tonight. It's weird to think of someone having cancer going suddenly, but she did. She was stable for a few months, and rapidly deteriorated the last few days, especially today.

Who wants to be a pal?

So I'm going to the train station at 9:40 AM on Weds the 13th. My dad might be able to take me, but things with my mom are complicated right now (which makes me feel like even more of a douche for leaving town, but I already paid for the train tickets) so he might not be able to. Does anyone want to be my backup? I'll give you blueberry pie.... delicious pie...

I don't know how well this new obsession with baking is going to treat my already expanding waistline, but I kind of enjoy that it gives me something to do at night to distract me when I'm alone with my dumb thoughts. And it feels more respectable than playing with imaginary ponies, which is what I previously* did.

Anyway, it feels awesome when I succeed. Tonight I made blueberry scones and they were hella awesome. I don't know how well they'll keep, given the juiciness of the blueberries, but I will probably pawn some off on my dad tomorrow.... along with portions of two pies and (hopefully--it'll be my first effort at it) homemade whipped cream. I didn't even follow the recipe properly. It said to use lemon zest, but damn Kroger's eyes! they didn't have any so I used some key limes I had sitting around. It said to use lemon yogurt *glares at Kroger again* but I used vanilla. Then also there was this glaze to put on them, but I forgot to buy powdered sugar, so I just left it off. Still: awesome.

It makes me wonder why brownies hate me so much even though I completely follow directions when making them.

Anyway, I gotta keep making blueberry stuff until I'm out of blueberries. I have 6 pounds of them in my fridge right now because Meijer, glorious Meijer *glares daggers at Kroger again* has them on sale 2lbs for $4.40. And then I decided I love pies so I've been making Key Lime too (that's what the homemade whipped cream is going to be for) and lately have found a boatload of other pie recipes on the internet I'm itching to try.

__________
* Oh, who am I kidding, even with the baking I'm still playing Howrse like 4 hours per day

Veeeedio

If you have facebook, and would like to stalk me, here are the only two videos that I know of on the internet that have me not using any racial slurs.

Hulk Smash Diet

General jackassery

God fucking damn. I was so happy these last few days, and within a matter of hours of getting home, I'm already crying. What is wrong with me?

It's been a very good couple of days. I have developed quite a flair for pie making; I never realized it was quite this easy. Anna helped me out with a second blueberry pie, and we hung out and had a great time. A conversation with her is what inspired the previous comic (that and Rebecca & I's running obsession with people who do Foley for any movie).

Then the day after that, I made a key-lime pie. Which, again, is crazy easy. I didn't even properly follow the instructions and I still got it right. It's also cheaper than blueberry pie, now that the crazy awesome blueberry sale at Meijer is over now.

Then Lothar & I went to Julie's house for a couple days. Which was AWESOME.

1) We took the Foley joke to a whole new level. So now, if I had to, I probably could do Foley for a porno now, especially if it involved whale bestiality or wookiees.

2) I learned what a buttplug is shaped like, then used this knowledge to create a makeshift one out of Julie's bedpost.

3) Barbecue AWESOME

4) I saw a shooting star

And much more. Plus it was great to not have work for two days, and to get the hell out of this town. I mean, I don't have the animosity towards this town that a lot of people do, but it's nice to get a change of scenery once in awhile. And it was definitely good to see Julie for a more extended stretch of time.

Not sure why my comics have been so sexual lately. Tina says it's because I'm not getting any, but as weird as I am, when I'm horny, I don't usually think of Japanese men coming glitter on each other's backs or taints or this:



Ah, sweet mysteries of life.

This one's not that good, but I thought of it today after vacuuming. My carpet throws up so much fuzz that every few vacuums I have to take the vacuum cleaner and stick a coathanger all up in its tubes to yank out the enormous balls of fuzz that clog them.

Mamie

Not necessarily in chronological order.

--The asshole neighbors moved. I found out because the condo prez. came out and appologized to me about the garbage in the parking lot they left when they moved out. I looked way too happy when he told me that, I fear. The guy's brother moved in, so I fear he's an asshole too, but still he might not be and even if he is, that's like 1/3 of the sheer volume of assholes formerly cohabitating the complex. Yes, I count the baby as an asshole too, for crying all the time (though, as the guy who sold this place to my parents says, "I'd cry too if I had those parents").

--I gained a nemesis at work on Fri. This guy's a total stranger to me, I walked by his cube on the way to my supervisor's desk. He says, "don't look so happy," sarcastically to me. This is something that irritates the crap out of me even when I am not depressed, because who has a fucking right to tell me what facial expressions I can and can't make if I'm not doing anything weird or rude with them?

Then on top of it, the fact is I'm not happy, and I don't feel I should be skipping into work with a big fake grin on my face just to please complete strangers. But I was polite, and went on my way. Then, on the way back to my desk, the fucker does it again! This is in the space of like, 2 minutes! Who does that? The one guy at my previous job who used to say this would space it out over months instead of repeatedly harassing me about it. AND I knew him, he wasn't a goddamn stranger sticking his nose into my business. I am now completely enraged. But I let it pass.

So then later in the day, I go to the bathroom. And guess who is heading there when I'm on my way back--my brand new buddy. As I am walking towards him, I think, "Okay, he's not going to do it a third time. No one would do this a third time when the first two obviously didn't make the person smile." But then he says it AGAIN. I am now so agitated that I have to say something. If I don't say something, he will keep doing it, and I can't take that. I am in fact, INCOHERENT WITH RAGE, because I can't even articulate what to say to him. I sputter for like a minute, finally spewing out some sort of combination of "what do you want from me?" and "I don't even know what my face is supposed to look like," clenching and unclenching my fists the whole time. He acts deeply offended that I don't take his harassment as friendliness and leaves before I can actually say anything meaningful to explain to him about why this bothers me.

I know it's evil to use this just to put someone in their place, but if I were really, really thinking on my feet my reply would probably be, "My mother's dying of cancer right now. Please stop telling me to smile." It would make him feel about an inch tall, which is probably mean, but it would probably be upsetting enough to make him think twice before harassing total strangers who might have a 100% valid reason to not look happy again, and maybe break him of this obnoxious habit.

--I made a blueberry pie! It is my first experience of pie baking--and I think I did well. It doesn't really have a traditional crust, it has crumblies on top and graham cracker crust on bottom. Not only was this easier, but I'm not big on traditional crust so I thought it tasted better as well. I brought some to my dad, and I was really happy, he took a lot of it because he liked it so well. He also actually scraped the pie pan to get crust he missed because he liked it so much. This is a HUGE compliment, because when my mom made pies she used to yell at him for not eating the crust (though--my crust isn't better than mom's, just a different sort, she used traditional crust and I think he's like me and likes graham cracker more). Josh sampled it as well and liked it, then I took it to the D & D crew and they seemed to like it as well. I like eating what I cook, but I almost more like taking my successes around to people just to fish for compliments, so I was happy at the amount of joy the pie brought to various people. I bought more blueberries, so I am going to do it again soon.

--I recieved an awesome card from Andi. Even though it's not my birthday, it says, "Happy birthday, you bastard," and inside, "No seriously, you're a bastard." She (rightfully) thought I would like it so much that she bought it for me and sent it regardless of birthday status.

--I hung out with Josh today. He brought me delicious funnel cake from this street fair in Peoria and it was awesome. We watched some arrested development, played some Blokus, ate food, and shopped. Having him around always peps me up, so I'm glad he visited.

--I hung out with the D & D crew today, and it was also sweet. I played an awesome game called Aquire for the second time ever and we enjoyed some Apples to Apples as well. I also had this conversation that makes me the creepiest person ever:

(something about kids or something)
Me: Yeah? Well children can suck on my junk. Which is why, by law, I'm required to stay at least 40 feet away from them.
Pat: Are you saying you're involved in kiddie porn?
Me: No, I'm a molester. I'm a doer, not a watcher.
(can't remember who made this suggestion): Well you could make kiddie porn. You could be the star!
Me: Uh, I don't think I'd be the star, the kid is. I'd be in more of a supporting role.

And on that note I end this post.

wow

I mean, I knew I had hostility towards my job, but I think re-reading a snippet of a letter I'm sending to a friend made me realize just how much. I mean, it starts out with a joke I always do, that isn't even mine (ryan came up with it) but the rest is all despair.

"Anyway, yeah, my life still sucks. I started crying today because I was at this orientation thing for a bunch of people applying for a posting at my workplace, and they all had more skills and knew more people than me and I feel like I'll never get out of my awful fucking job where people who think they're on hold and I can't hear them will say, "this girl talks like a retard," or say nearly as mean things to my face (so to speak). Still, they're the retarded ones. I know everything about them; they know nothing about me. When I finally snap, I'm going to drive to someone's home, leap at them like a spider monkey, and sing "like a good neighbor, I know where you live," to them over and over as I spread hooker entrails on their front lawn. "I heard you was havin' a barbecue, neighbor," I'll cackle gleefully as well. The coup de gras will be finding their kids and telling them that santa is really a hobo named "Oklahoma bill" who regularly sodomizes their mother... and father. Then I will give them a brief but graphic description to them of what sodomy is using one of the hooker corpses as a visual aid.