I appologize for anyone who was saddened or offended by "no one who loves me or even gives a shit in the long run." I meant the "long run" bit the most, I'm not saying no one cares now. Things just seem to unravel after awhile, and I never know how to stop it.

Mrs. Peacock's a man!?!?

I need to fuckin' pull myself together, man. Now I've started crying right before/during work. I thought I was coping but it stopped, apparently. I'm sure it looks suspicious that I am always leaving work early (I mean really early, like after an hour there). The thing is I'm sad all the time and I can't stop crying while I'm actually on the fucking phone with customers. And then when I'm fine with that, the stress has got me shitting buckets. Constantly. And I go home early because of that.

Which hurts my already apparently shitty chances at getting an interview for a promotion. My supervisor said I was competative for the things I'm applying to, but I'm not, cause I haven't been getting an interview. I'm going to be in the same shitty soul killing job forever, or until I kill myself, whichever comes first. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't even matter... like, why do I even try so hard to do a good job? No one notices or gives a shit.

And of course, the main reason I'm upset all the time, as always, is my mom. She gets weaker and weaker. She isn't strong enough to operate the on button for one of her portable fans anymore. Her arms are like twigs. She can't stay awake for 5 minutes in a row, but yet she can't fall asleep enough to actually get any rest or energy from it. It feels more and more real every day.

I know it's all emo and stupid and I sound like a whiney baby, but it just seems like I've lost most of the good things in life, or am in the process of doing so, and I'll never get them back. I'll always be in this same goddamn position. Dead mother, shitty health, shitty career, no permanent friends, no one who loves me or even gives a damn in the long run.

gfsfg

Every time I'm so stupid as to think that I'm dealing with everything in my life, and doing alright, I end up having a night where I cry before I go to bed. Guh. I feel like a whiney adolescent for writing something like that, but I really can't make myself get rid of it.

well

One actual drawing made with the aid of Paintshop pro.

A very, very, poor drawing of a planarian

In case you wonder this is what they actually look like

and this drawing by escher was what I was trying to rip off.

Also even though the website it advertises sucks, this shirt is fucking awesome.

here goes

This is part 1 of the origin of Ben FUCKING Franklin & Booker T Washington as buddy cops. I'd meant to make it all one big comic, or at least get more done than what I did, but you will not believe how long it takes to make things in paint shop pro. Like the really cool looking things, like the lightning, take a millisecond. The really simple thing, like putting a frame around each panel--took lots of learnin' Plus, I drew HUGE.

Also: I meant to make BFF a badass, like, a raging lightning storm just wasn't enough thrills for him, but the second panel is so goofy and not at all what I orig. meant. I just found that photo while looking up Ben Franklin on the google and it made me giggle with how goofy it is.

I really should be testing it out by doing something cool with it, as opposed to fucking around with things that are better lo-fi, but I've been in a comicky mood lately.

new comic

First new comic in awhile, here.

I've had the idea forever. As for the "new look" I'm testing out a trial of corel paint shop, i.e. "photoshop for people who don't want to pay $800." I don't know why I used it on a comic, I really draw so poorly there's no point, but I thought it was kind of cool. Enjoy.

The rest of the collection, as always, is at http://www.geocities.com/tribble80.

And for the hell of it, here are some of what I consider my greatest hits:

Obsessed
Honkey Circus
Goals
Your voice is very nasal
Ryan Vs Satire
You should be nice to me
What if a pyromaniac zombie and a vampire hunter were buddy cops?
What if Benjamin Franklin & Booker T Washington were buddy cops?

Also, Meineke fixed my brakes and told me there was no foul play, which was a reeeeelief.

YES

So today I heard No Diggity on the radio.

Yes, you know what this means:

I BROUGHT IT BACK, BITCHES!

In related news: it feels really good to drive around town with your windows down blaring "No Diggity."

well

It takes a very "special" person to rock that haircut:

phoemeister (10:50:46 PM): by the way I'm single white femaling you
CrashMan2112 (10:50:56 PM): that's kinda scary
phoemeister (10:51:06 PM): well I've started hanging out with your friends
phoemeister (10:51:13 PM): and soon I'm going to get your haircut
phoemeister (10:51:23 PM): and a job in claims. Well, hopefully I'll get a job in claims.
CrashMan2112 (10:51:27 PM): nice
CrashMan2112 (10:51:33 PM): that's weird ya know
phoemeister (10:51:42 PM): haha I'm not doing it on purpose!
phoemeister (10:51:51 PM): I lied about the hair thing at least, I'm not doing that
phoemeister (10:51:56 PM): the others are for real though
CrashMan2112 (10:52:44 PM): yeah, you should totally get the haircut... then you can fill in for me when I'm not there
phoemeister (10:52:51 PM): haha
phoemeister (10:53:00 PM): I can get drunk and do rockband
phoemeister (10:53:30 PM): they still make references to your drunk rockband performance
CrashMan2112 (10:53:40 PM): seriously
CrashMan2112 (10:53:46 PM): like what?
phoemeister (10:54:20 PM): apparently it was funny when you were singing bonjovi drunk
phoemeister (10:54:34 PM): and "I saw a million faces and I ROCKED THEM ALL" is now your tagline
CrashMan2112 (10:54:42 PM): nice
CrashMan2112 (10:54:54 PM): I'll just be proud of that

the call is coming from inside the house

Man, I meant this for serious, not in a funny way, when I first typed up this email, but I have to laugh at how weird and hilarious this email would be out of context (i.e. my previous blog post)

"Oh also: yeah I may or may not have time scheduling issues tomorrow
too because someone's trying to kill me and as a result of that my dad
wants to pick up my car at some point to repair the brake line."

The other thing I did today was call two people, tell them "the call is coming from inside the house," and then hang up on them (Ryan & Andy).

RJ, I called, said "macaroni!", and hung up on, a la Me & You & Everyone We Know.

Andi I called, she wasn't there, I left her a voicemail that said "IGNORE ME!" (a la the Venture Bros.) and hung up.

Stuff has mostly been going better for me lately. Saturday I got my new computer, which I mentioned. It's been sort of annoying reinstalling everything and putting all my settings the way I like them, but otherwise good. I thought I broke it right out of the box for a second, but Ryan saved the day, as he is wont to do.

Saturday was also good because I hung out with the people I've been hanging out with sometimes lately, and it was pretty awesome, and not just because I'm a desperate friend-whore right now. Like... I worry a little bit, and wonder if most of them like me or hang out with me out of pity. It just seems a little awkward, they have their little in-jokes, most of them don't laugh that much at my jokes. I guess the point is kind of moot though, because they obviously like me enough to invite me to things, and I really like hanging out with them.

And not just because they have a ton of freakin' awesome board/card games, and enough people around to make them worth playing (though obviously that helps). I've already been totally lusting after Betrayal at House on the Hill for a few years now, and playing it again a couple times has renewed that feeling with a vengeance. They had several other cool weird games too. Then the having enough people thing also kicked in, in that we played Spades, which was ton of fun. Common game... but uncommon for me because it seems like I can never nag more than one person into playing a game with me at any one time, even back when I did have friends I hung out with more (exception: times when I could get Rebecca, Andy, and Julie together--which is when I developed my often thwarted love for Euchre too).

In bad news my brakes are fucked up. My dad and I thought they were just low on fluid, which was true, because filling it up again seemed to have fixed the problem. But the brake light came on again on the way home again, which means I have at least a leak, if not actually some fucker cutting my brake line.

I know that sounds paranoid, but hear me out: in less than six months since I moved here, my tires have been slashed and my car has been keyed twice. Another creepy bit about the tire thing is that my tire iron just maaagically disapeared at the same time (and it's not like I ever take it out of it's place in the car, and before that had sometimes left my car unlocked because I don't have anything of value in there). I don't know if it's a series of horribly coincidental random acts of violence from the universe, the same punk teenagers over and over, or someone with a real vendetta against me.

The first one seems unlikely, who has 5 different people vandalize their car over 6 months? The second one seems unlikely, who vandalizes a nondescript car that clearly has been around since the birth of grunge? Plus I live in a way nicer neighborhood than before, where my car, parked on the street, was only vandalized once in the year & a half I lived there. Plus, no one else in my building has had their car vandalized.

The third seems unlikely too, but who knows. If it is a person with something against me, it makes me way angrier than the previous things, because cutting someone's brake line makes my car unsafe. I could die because this fucker is angry at me and won't just tell me and get it over with.

Or if you want a snappier version of the brake complaining:

phoemeister (10:39:57 PM): I think someone is trying to kill me
CrashMan2112 (10:40:05 PM): why do you say that?
phoemeister (10:40:15 PM): my brake line is leaking
phoemeister (10:40:21 PM): I think someone cut it
phoemeister (10:40:27 PM): because someone keeps vandalizing my car
CrashMan2112 (10:40:29 PM): that's a bit mean
phoemeister (10:40:37 PM): yeah plus I mean
phoemeister (10:40:45 PM): who goes after a 1994 Camry
phoemeister (10:40:53 PM): I get it if you drive a Bentley or something
CrashMan2112 (10:43:52 PM): does anyone dislike you that you know of
phoemeister (10:44:42 PM): I dunno. If it's anyone it's my downstairs neighbors
phoemeister (10:45:04 PM): but like... asking me to turn my music down a couple times seems like it doesn't equal trying to kill me
CrashMan2112 (10:45:15 PM): to some it would
phoemeister (10:45:24 PM): but it's all happened since I moved here and I don't know anyone else here who has reason to dislike me
phoemeister (10:45:43 PM): well they do seem like fairly angry people, I hear them yelling at each other and their baby pretty often
CrashMan2112 (10:48:58 PM): maybe you should go take the stems out of their tires
phoemeister (10:49:47 PM): haha

Anyway it depresses me, esp. since I've been thinking about some other stuff lately too.

woo woo

NEW COMPUTER

Bad bit: my antivirus is an asshole and I don't feel comfortable internetting it up that much until then.

All and all: good stuff.

fuck the world

Well here's a recrap of my life in the last month:

POOOOOOOOOOOOP.

A more detailed recrap:

--mom dying
--devastating breakup
--denial of admission to U of I
--computer broken
--car keyed
--computer more broken, I lost everything on the terrabyte hard drive
--grandpa's leg hurt
--computer MORE broken, motherboard and other assorted crap hosed
--dad starts discussing funeral arrangements for mom during our mother's day celebration
--I start crying during our mother's day celebration
--mom gets a blood transfusion
--renter's insurance claim filed for computer
--they still don't know what's wrong with my grandpa's leg

I'm sure there's even more shit but I can't remember it at this point. Suffice it to say: every time I get in an elevator I'm sure it's going to trap me, and I'm more worried about serial killers than ever in a sort of Alanis Morissette version of irony about them killing me after me being freaked out about them this long and already having an incredibly bad string of luck.

Good things, however:

--economic stimulus payment
--I hung with Andy and some of his friends that I actually hung out with when Julie was in town last time. They are cool.

But yeah, the computer's still busted, I dunno what's going to happen. I seriously doubt my insurance is going to give me the money it orig. cost back but I thought why not try. So again, I would notify me through other channels if you want a reply any time soon.

yo

Yeah, my computer's TOTALLY busted right now, and I don't know when it's going to be fixed. So if I'm not online, I'm (probably) not dead in a ditch somewhere.

Just wishing I was.

Awesome

So, today my computer only starts in safe mode.

I'll give my words in one lesson

Today was alright, hung out with my folks, my mom's doing a little better. Walked again for the first time since awhile ago (I'm so descriptive). Got Friday off, I have a cache of paid time off I was saving up for school that I no longer need, plus we get more in June. I may or may not have made buddies with Julie's friends I met the other week. Two of them have friended me on livejournal (I have an acct. there that links to this, that I basically use to read my friends lj's), but sometimes people friend me on livejournal and I never see them again, I dunno. If you guys are reading, though, hey! I have a lot of time on my hands! Let's be best friends! I have caaaandy....... Well, I don't, but I could buy some. And give it to you!

Yesterday sucked, the U of I news sort of shattered any fragile semblence of coping with everything else I've fabricated in the last few weeks. Josh left me a sympathetic txt message when he read the blog, and I called him up to cry for a couple hours, which helped a lot.

No other news, I guess. Which, with my luck lately, no news is good news.

Awesome

So I didn't get into U of I.

I want my 70 dollars back. And the time I wasted writing all those essays.

afds

Today blew. I dunno why, it's not like I got particularly horrible people today or anything. I just felt like I was jumping out of my skin the whole time, which is just a symptom of being me sometimes, I guess. I couldn't stop looking at the clock to see if I could go home yet. The other shit thing is that when I had a day like that before, I could sometimes make myself feel better by thinking, "I can call my favorite person in the world when I get home, and it'll be okay," but I can't really now. And then thinking about that just got me depressed again. But the main problem was just being antsy as hell.

Yesterday was awesome, though. Julie was in town for this party with some of her friends and invited me over. And it was a nerd party, not a real party (i.e. games and talking instead of loud music and drinking) which made it totally awesome. Even more awesome is they totally got me. Stuff like this just makes me wonder why the hell I can't make friends most of the time, because I'll occaisionally go to a party or something like this and it just clicks, everyone loves me, I love them, shit is gold. Anyway, this is the first gathering I've gone to since my housewarming party, which wasn't even that great, and it's the first time I've really had fun and enjoyed myself doing something since the break up. So it was a really, really good day. And it was awesome to see Julie again, I miss her.

Another really fun thing about it is the main part of the evening was spent playing rock band, which the guy whose house we were at just got. I sang most of the time, because I'm kind of crappy at video games, but that was fun too, and you sort of had to have a strategy about it. And I was amazed at how many of the songs were actually pretty good, I think it must've been aimed for people my age, cause there was lots of grunge and stuff from the nineties. The older stuff was cool, like Blitzkrieg Bop (strangely, the thing I was most awesome at singing) and the newer stuff was good too, RHCP, Killers. I did try bass on easy, which was fun too, only my freakishly small hands hurt trying to reach the keys. Even creating our people was fun, my chick was a freakishly tiny angry black woman garbed from head to toe in neon pink. All in all: a very good day.

Susan experienced some shortness of breath yesterday and tried her inhalers but they didn't seem to work. So today we went in to see her Oncologist, Dr. Sriratana. We ended up over at Bromenn for Xrays which didn't appear materially different from when she had her scans. Then she had a CT Scan to see if there were any pulmonary embolisms, i.e. clots in her pulmonary system. There weren't but Dr. Sriratana thought one of the tumors in her lungs looked like it was pressing on a blood vessel. The recommended course of action is to go in Monday for a treatment (not sure what it is) consisting of an IV for approximately an hour, to be repeated weekly. She is able to breathe easier when laying down as opposed to being upright (sitting or standing) so he is probably correct in diagnosing a pressure problem. We tried to have the treatment yet today but it was too late. Hopefully, this problem will respond to the IV. It sure isn't fun feeling like you can't get air but her blood oxygenation is around 98 which is pretty good. Will let you know if anything else transpires.

So I guess I'm wrong again.

asdf

So my mom was supposed to start chemo again this week, but she didn't. She started feeling worse again. My dad thinks it's weird, since she was off the other chemo for awhile, he'd think she'd stay the same or get better. Personally, I think she might be faking. I mean, we can all agree she definitely feels like shit. But I don't think she wants to go on another round of chemo, and I don't really want to blame her. After what the first one did to her, when she was basically healthy, I don't think she can handle another round. Then on top of it, will it really help any? It's probably just going to buy her another couple months, if that. And since she has not really bounced back at all from the previous chemo... I think any time bought will be miserable time.

I don't know, she's very brave and strong. I would be crying every day. Hell, I do do that every day and my problems aren't as bad.

On the other hand I don't want her to die. When that time runs out... that's it. I won't have a mom anymore. I don't believe in god or heaven, and I don't know if she does either. That'll be it. She'll just be dead. I will never ever see her again and every time I try to wrap my mind around it all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and never do anything ever again.

Today was sort of meh. I had lady troubles, which always sucks. Then I went over to my parents house to be around my mom, but she slept most of the time anyway. Then, the major reason to go over there, is my dad and I then went to my sister's house to take the Phew to the Gamma Phi circus.

Which... did not work very well. I guess I just assumed he was normal, cause I am not really around little kids too much, but I was wrong. He must have ADD. Or some concentrated super ADD. I swear to god he would not sit down in his seat for one second. And all around us were little kids who stayed seated and attentive the whole time. Plus he didn't like the circus too much, though like I said he wasn't even really paying attention to the acts. Anyway the circus itself was pretty cool, but I began to get annoyed with him after awhile of this. Not to be a douche, cause I do love the kid, but he is totally out of control. He never does anything any adult tells him to, not even his parents. Maybe he is better about it in daycare, cause I can't see them backing down all the time like his parents do, but he can be totally obnoxious sometimes. It was a huge battle just to get him to eat dinner before the circus, and not just drink his pop and eat his candy.

I feel bad thinking things like that about him, because I do love him, and I used to like being around him a lot more. But seriously... if this kid was not related to me, I think I would've wanted to smack him numerous times, which in my opinion, is not really a good thought to inspire in most grownups you encounter when your'e a kid. Who am I to judge though? The precise reason I've never wanted kids is because I know I would do an even worse time raising them.