I need to fuckin' pull myself together, man. Now I've started crying right before/during work. I thought I was coping but it stopped, apparently. I'm sure it looks suspicious that I am always leaving work early (I mean really early, like after an hour there). The thing is I'm sad all the time and I can't stop crying while I'm actually on the fucking phone with customers. And then when I'm fine with that, the stress has got me shitting buckets. Constantly. And I go home early because of that.
Which hurts my already apparently shitty chances at getting an interview for a promotion. My supervisor said I was competative for the things I'm applying to, but I'm not, cause I haven't been getting an interview. I'm going to be in the same shitty soul killing job forever, or until I kill myself, whichever comes first. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't even matter... like, why do I even try so hard to do a good job? No one notices or gives a shit.
And of course, the main reason I'm upset all the time, as always, is my mom. She gets weaker and weaker. She isn't strong enough to operate the on button for one of her portable fans anymore. Her arms are like twigs. She can't stay awake for 5 minutes in a row, but yet she can't fall asleep enough to actually get any rest or energy from it. It feels more and more real every day.
I know it's all emo and stupid and I sound like a whiney baby, but it just seems like I've lost most of the good things in life, or am in the process of doing so, and I'll never get them back. I'll always be in this same goddamn position. Dead mother, shitty health, shitty career, no permanent friends, no one who loves me or even gives a damn in the long run.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
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1 comments:
1. Amy, you're scaring me. Letting yourself think that way is very dangerous. Hope is free, you can always do that.
2. I was at the same place you're at, thinking the same thoughts you're thinking, flirting with notions of suicide also. Then out of nowhere, after a little looking, you got me a job at Borders, and I met a good new friend within a single month. That changed it all, and a short while later all the dark gloomy, heavy thoughts you're having now disappeared from my head.
3. Don't you dare kill yourself before even TRYING to live a life for yourself. Sure your parents bought you that condo, sure you love them and want the best for them, but are those petty things worth running your soul ragged? Think how they will feel if you excoriate your insides trying to live a life you don't care about. Think how they'd feel if you killed yourself. Move to Chicago. Get around people. Your life is at least worth making some changes before just tossing it all in the bucket.
I guess I just know the feeling of where you're at right now. I also used to periodically have to run outside cause of those same soul-crushing sobbing fits, from that damned bank service center. But when I put my own well-being first, it was amazing how quickly those demons vanished.
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