Dear diary, today I ate an enormous bowl of pudding.

dad

In general, I am bad at cheering people up. I can't tell you how many times I've had people just not like it when I try. Anyway, I'm beginning to think it might be a hereditary trait.

Today my dad came over to help me get my caremark card, which, I've been meaning to do for awhile. But then of course there were 18 different home improvement projects he wanted to help me with. Which, I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth, I probably couldn't do any of this on my own and it is awesome of him to help, but I don't usually feel like doing them even when I'm in a good mood, and I'm certainly not in a good mood now. But we got through that.

Then he just started in on everything again. He and I have sort of been in conflict recently, because I told him that therapist said I should maybe try antidepressants. And I told him I don't know yet, but I have been fairly depressed for awhile. Except for a brief window when I started at Borders, I've pretty much been depressed since high school, and even then I wasn't really peppy mcpepperson. And again I got into how I think most of the choices I've made with my life suck, and I've wasted a lot of time so far doing jobs I hate, and I've acquired no marketable skills. Which, it's sort of an arguement, and it made me feel worse, so I ended up crying again. Which is the second time since all this started when we've gotten into an argument and it's made me feel even worse.

I know he's trying his best and all, it's just hard.

life

So I still don't feel awesome, but I am getting a lot better. I think the second email Josh sent where he said he hadn't secretly hated me the whole time did a lot to make me feel better, and when we finally talked and put an end to this whole thing. I've gone from crying all the time to being mostly normal most of the time, with a few unfortunate moodswings. They're getting less intense and less long, though. I've gotten to the point where I can usually distract myself with a mind-numbing game or talking to a friend. Ryan and Tina have been especially helpful in this respect, for which I thank them.

The stuff with my mom is still sort of there, but now that I'm not so upset about everything, I'm getting better at pushing it all to the back burner for now.

And I do miss Josh, so much. And I think we are going to still be friends. It just isn't the same though, and I miss him. But it's not constantly dominating my every waking moment anymore, which is good.

So as of last night Josh and I are officially broken up. He sent me another email that was nicer than the last one, basically apologetic for what a crappy person he thinks he is. I couldn't tell whether or not he wanted to break up so I called him until he finally talked to me. He said he did want to break up. He wouldn't tell me whether or not he still loves me, which I wish I knew. I told him I felt like he didn't really like me for a long time and our whole relationship was a lie, but he said he did love me for most of it, which made me feel better. We are going to try to be friends, which also makes me feel better. I already lost my boyfriend, I don't want to lose him as my best friend either.

However I still do feel shitty. I feel sort of bad that even though I do feel bad about my mom, I feel worse about my break up. I went to Borders yesterday because I couldn't stand being alone in this house anymore, but then there was no one good there. I realized I didn't belong there anymore, but I haven't found anywhere else I belong either, and that depressed me. I don't know how to belong again, the first time, it was a fluke. Then I just hung around various shops in the area, like Shoe Carnival, Petco, etc. cause I didn't feel like going home again, until I could tell they were getting annoyed with me hanging around not buying anything.

Today I had my first session of therapy, and I'm sort of underwhelmed. Her basic thing about the break up and my mom is to just keep crying and stuff cause I need to get all that out. Her advice about how I hate my job and don't know how to make friends is "you'll find that again someday" even though I explained that I don't even know what job I want, even the stupid stepping stone jobs like going into claims are hard to get into, and I don't know how it was easy to make friends one freaking time in my life, and if I knew how to make friends, I would have more already. She said to not worry so much abour work or no friends while I'm grieving my mom and my relationship. But it's all tied in. I feel defective, and not just because of how things went with Josh.

I have this thing like drunk dial at night when I'm trying to fall asleep, only its when I'm sad and sober. I've usually been crying for hours, and I feel like I'll go crazy if I can't stop it, and the only thing I can do is call someone.

So I called Josh. And I left a message that was basically like, "You owe me some sort of closure. If you are breaking up with me tell me. And do it over the phone, I deserve better than some crappy email breakup."

Then I called my dad, and we talked for hours. I think one reason I feel so bad about this whole thing is that I feel like I'm defective and valueless to everyone. Because I don't have friends, and employers aren't fond of me either. And Josh, being the only person not related to me (i.e. my parents HAVE to love me unless they're completely awful) who didn't think i was defective, going ahead and doing this to me, just pulled the rug out from underneath my feet. I'm not saying he shouldn't break up with me, because the email he sent me sounds like he's not liked me for a real long time. In fact, he should've probably broken up with me ages ago. But anyway, I think what I needed was just someone to talk to about this. I've felt so alone. I signed up for therapy for christ's sake.

Anyway this morning when I woke up, I didn't feel awesome, but at least I'm not crying constantly.

Of course, Josh has still not emailed me back or phoned me. Though to give him the benefit of the doubt, latter is probably because he's either at work right now and/or because he doesn't know I left work early yesterday/am not working today because my supervisor let me have some time off since I was crying on the phone.

Oh anyway, like I said, I don't fault him for breaking up with me, I just fault him for the way he's doing it. Secretly hating me for months, and not telling me. Then letting it all bottle up to the point where he kicked me out on our anniversary, lying about it not being something I did. Then torturing me with silence until I did a sad non-drunk drunk dial. Then sending me an email spelling out his loathing for me, complete with wild accusations. Then torturing me with silence again. Are you breaking up with me or aren't you? Just tell me so I can get on with my life.

If you are reading this, Josh, I meant it about still being friends. But yeah, I am kind of angry at you, and my blog is where I vent. So you probably don't want to read any entries in the next few days or so unless you like bitter recriminations against yourself.

asdf

So last night I was pretty depressed. I thought of calling a suicide hotline. I don't want to kill myself or anything, I just wanted to talk to someone. I cried for hours and hours. I was trying to be strong and not bother Josh while he was trying to be alone and work out whatever his problem was. Anyway I finally txted him "how could you do this to me again? I told you what it was like last time." Cause the last time we fought I cried and cried then too, and I told him what it was like.

Anyway I guess we're probably going to break up now. To be honest, I was already thinking about it. I can't take the crying all the time. I thought maybe since I still love him it might be enough to stay together, but I don't think he loves me anymore. He sent me this big long email that's basically about how everything I do annoys him and he doesn't like hanging out with me more than a day or two at a time because I get old pretty quickly. I don't really get why he started disliking me and the things I do, because I haven't really changed at all, but I guess that's his perogative. He can't be the only one who feels that way, as most of my other friends don't talk to me either.

I think where I work we get access to 5 free sessions of therapy or something, and I'm looking into getting mine. I don't think this crying all the time is probably good, because I've even had it when we were just having a regular argument.

more self pity

I guess it's finally hit me about my mom. At first I was worried that I wasn't sad or worried enough, but now I think about it all the time. Yesterday I visited her and got a bunch of recipes. I was originally planning on doing this when I moved, because now I have the room to actually cook. But of course she's been feeling too sick to do it with me. So now that she has a break from chemo, we've been doing it.

Anyway, what should've orig. been fun turned into this morbid thing where we could both tell that my aim turned from "get the recipes now that I have moved," to "this might be the last chance I have to get these recipes before you die." Some of them don't even have specific amounts, she was going to just cook them with me so I could see what the various consistencies were supposed to be. And every time she mentioned that, I was thinking about how she never would.

She, on the other hand, was amazingly chipper. More chipper even, than I've seen her without cancer, which makes me think it's a show. And also makes me sad that she thinks she has to put on a show for me. You are allowed to be depressed if you have cancer. I'm depressed and I'm not even the one with it.

Then on top of that, of course, I have the guilt from the difficult relationship and the off and on hating of her I've harbored in the past.

mother nature's bitch

I'm feeling somewhat worked over lately, by the world.

I have a shitty, low-paying job that I hate, and the way to move up is to take a slightly better paying shitty job that I would also hate.

My mom is dying. I try to be optimistic about this, but it's hard when the first run of chemo didn't work, and they orig. told us that if the first round of chemo didn't work it would be bad. Not helping is my pessimistic father.

All my friends left town and/or are not speaking to me.

Most recently, my boyfriend kicked me out (well, he asked, which is more polite, but I hate to use "asked me to leave" because it makes it sound like I had a choice) on our six month anniversary. He wouldn't even tell me what I did. When I asked why, he said, "well you did do some things that annoyed me, but mostly I just want to be alone."

All I have to say, is please god, mother nature, whoever: please, please, do not kill any of my other family members or burn my house down.

I'll play you a prostiTUNE on my WHOREmonica.

So today was an interesting day at work for a change. For basically two reasons.

1) Apparently my crappy geocities comic page* has been outed. A dude I somewhat know from training stopped me in the hall today and told me it was awesome. This made me feel good and bad.

Good: It is very flattering to anyone when anyone compliments their crappy geocities comic page.* Especially if they are as shitty at drawing as I am. It also makes me glad that there are other people where I work who share the same weirdo sense of humor I have. Okay, I sorta knew it about this guy already, we'd already had a brief conversation on UCB once, and caught him making a Bloodhound Gang reference too. I've never really been able to connect with him, or anyone I thought cool, because I am socially retarded, and it's hard to make friends with anyone anyway during 20 second snippets of conversation between calls. I asked him how he found it, and he said another dude from my training class told him, another dude I knew was somewhat cool already due to a few brief conversations months ago. So I guess it can only be good news that two people I thought of as friend material in the beginning (substitute UCB & Bloodhound gang with a discussion on TMBG, blowing up the building and another on clowns) think I am funny.

Bad: There are a lot of people that I do NOT want seeing this. I'm basically making fun of customers, talking about drugs, and or being creepy/filthy for most of it, which is probably something that does not look good to management. I tried not to come out and say which company I work for in them, but there are a couple that are indicative. And if it's that easy to randomly find it, I'll have to take it down. I saw the guy who supposedly linked it to the guy I talked to on my way out of work today, and wanted to ask him, but he was with a couple of other people who I don't know at all and hence don't know whether I should bring it up in front of them. Plus I feel weird going up and asking him anything. The first guy and I have stayed somewhat friendly (saying hi in hallways and all that) but the other dude and I never talk.


2) I had a long talk with my supervisor RE: what I should do with my career. He and I have been corresponding via email a little while, and I guess he decided it was best to just have an actual face to face conversation and get it all out. Anyway, I can't decide how I feel about the conversation. I mean, I'm glad we talked. I'm glad he showed an interest, because he seems to be very big on people asking for help before he gives it to them, whereas some of the other supervisors seem to be a little more proactive about helping their people. I don't know if it's necessarily his fault, because I've been shuffled around quite a lot since I started, but when I talk to other people they seem to know a lot more about the opportunities around (not so much promotional opportunities, but the things around the dept. I work in now that look good on a resume) than I do, and have already gotten on committees, and have talked to efficiency leaders and done a million other things that will help them out and I've just sort of gone in every day doing my job not really knowing I was supposed to know about and ask for all these things. Anyway, he's seemed sort of distant to me. So I'm glad I got to know him a little more, and I'll probably feel more comfortable asking him things in the future.

But as for actual career prospects I feel about as on the fence as ever. He seems to be pushing taking a job in claims. Not pushing, per se, he told me to feel free to go for anything else. But he sort of laid it out why it's way easier to get a job in claims than anything else at that pay level (significantly higher than my current one, btw) and how it gives me more experience to put on my resume and look good if I want another job at that pay level. He said I shouldn't be afraid to try it even though a lot of people I know (including him) hate/hated working in that dept. Things turn out alright! I might love it!

My thing is I'm already working with 18 year old kids. Which means I'm like 8 years behind everyone else, basically. I don't really want to waste more time on something I hate before I get a job I can actually like. I'm terrified of spending my entire working life doing shitty jobs that I hate and finally finding one I love like 5 years before I retire, and having it pass in an eyeblink because the older you get the faster time passes. And he was going on about positioning yourself so that when all the baby boomers retire you can shoot up to the top. And I'm afraid that I won't be in that position, and everyone else will just rocket past me and I'll still be doing shit jobs because I don't know how to get the right skills.

He also made me realize how freaking confused I am in general, I don't even know what I want. He asked me what I wanted in a job. What I want is a degree of creativity and to actually like the people I talk to every day, and interact with people I like every day. And he was talking about how librarian is actually more of a solitary job, if you're going into corporate library, and do I want to stay with the company or not? And I don't even know. I'm going to spend two fucking years and a TON of money on a degree I'm not even sure of. I wanted something like Borders but with more respect & above poverty level wages (not to mention no psycho tami), I guess, but that is probably not how it is, I don't even know. Academic librarianship sounds SO fun, but they're downsizing hardcore, corporate library seems to be the way to go with that.

I told him how I loved TV when I was in college, and how bad the reality was. He made me sort of feel like a tool for not sticking it out and getting better at driving, though I don't think he did it intentionally.

He told me about how he kicked around doing a lot of different jobs for awhile before he got where he was, and how it all turned out alright. But again that terrifies me, I don't want to kick around 10 more years hating life and myself and the jobs I'm doing before I can get into anything worthwhile. And he told me about his Dad, and how his dad had passion for his job and how he'd always envied it until he found out what it was about his dad's job that was great and how he could get it for himself in a different way. And he told me this story about his dad when he retired which, basically is the end of Mr. Holland's Opus, if you're curious, which made me depressed that there are people like that in real life who really make a difference in people's lives and that I'll never be one of them.

So it sort of made me depressed, which I don't think he was trying to do. But I guess what I'm supposed to take from it is that sometimes jobs you think won't work for you do, and if they don't that's okay too. And I should try for whatever I want (even though I don't know what it is) but I shouldn't rule out anything I don't want either if it could be a good move for me. Which, I don't know. I'm still about as confused and depressed as before.

----
* There's a chance that it's my crappy photobucket page which has less about my poop than on geocities, but more weird photos.

comiques!

new comic.

This is actually what I thought when I came upon that ingriedient in a bottle of shampoo. And I was like, "Hm, I don't think I want that near my hair."

Another one is the based on a conversation I had with my Roni, obviously.

Terriers

Today I was going around in my "Terriers" T-Shirt I got in like, Jr. High or Grade School. It is possibly the lamest article of clothing I own. It says "Terriers" then has a cartoonish picture of every breed, I can probably only recognize half of them at best (Schnauzer, Scottie, Jack Russell, Spuds MacKenzie, etc). But then I realized it is probably the COOLEST shirt I own, because of the Kids in the Hall Terriers song. For instance: studies show they (terriers) prolong old people's lives. Also, Napoleon had one to prevent misery.

Damn good times

Man, I say if you haven't ever took a 20 minute long crap with a hyper kitten in the bathroom with you who needs to be constantly entertained to stop it from attacking your legs, you have not lived! It wasn't unpleasant, per se, just weird. Anyway, the kitten in question is the Roni's roommate's. She's super cute, but crazy as hell.

Another thing I did in Pewhoria is visit Just For Fun which was this cool game store. I did have to admit to the Roni that that is one area in which Pewhoria beats out the B-Niz, because as far as I know we don't have any decent game shops. Anyway, they don't have very much in the way of normal games. There were a couple themed monopoly's, but that was about it. But they have a million interesting nerdy/dorky games. They have the Magic cards and RP stuff you'd expect, but the bulk of their stuff actually does seem to be random goodness.

They have all the Killer Bunnies, they have Rio Grande games (Bohnanza, Puerto Rico, etc), they have the Looney Labs games (Fluxx, Chrononauts, etc), an an enormous lot of ones I've not heard of. I think I could spend hours in there, if only reading the descriptions of games didn't get boring after awhile.

He also bought and cleaned strawberries for me and showed me Paul Rudd's buttocks.

what's up

Man... I wonder if in the last few weeks I've become borderline agoraphobic or something. Though, I hate to use that word, since I know someone actually agoraphobic, and it's a real problem, whereas I'm probably just lazy. Anyway, I've just noticed I don't really want to go out anywhere anymore if I'm alone. There are errands that I've been putting off months, literally. Even simple ones like going somewhere a block away for just one thing. Even fun things that require going somewhere I put off or don't do at all. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy. Even though it is getting better, it IS cold still, and I've always hated going out in the cold. It just always seems like going out is going to take this monumentous amount of energy that I just don't have when I'm alone.

Oh well, I'm probably full of it.

In other news, I'm pregnant. And now you can say you've seen the april fools joke with the least amount of effort put into it ever.

we've got something hateful on our minds

Hell is...

...staying 40 minutes late at a job you hate to fill out a form, and the reason it takes so long is because after every blank you fill in, you have to go and take a massively painful shit. Thanks, colitis!

Purgatory is probably having my goddamn neighbors. When I started feeling a little better after the shitfest, I went to take a shower, and I felt like listening to music. I didn't have it on loud, but I had it on louder than the whisper they apparently require me to have it at. Anyway, since I was in the shower and didn't want to dry off and get clothes on just to talk to this motherfucker, I just turned the music off. I'm thinking, though, of starting to listen to music at a louder, but reasonable volume sometime when I'm fully clothed and telling this guy off when he comes to complain about it. I'm going to tell him he's a fucking liar, because his kid seems to be napping every time I'm listening to music at anything above 1% volume. In the morning, in the afternoon whenever. But it's never napping late at night when they're talking really fucking loud and I can hear THEM through my floor. Plus babies don't even give a shit about loud music, it's sudden loud noises. If you are the one that hates my music, have the balls to admit it man, stop fucking blaming it on your baby. Either way I hate you.

do be do be do

So I gave my first speech at my speech group at work last night. I actually really, really liked it. I was really nervous, but everyone in the group is so supportive and said I was really funny. Which, I find it hard to be funny in an environment that I can't bring up poo or my love of killing hookers, so it was nice to know that my objective of clean humor was carried out successfully. As for what I could do better, I guess I sort of fidget while I'm up there. And one person said to speak up, which I don't get, cause that's always been the least of my problems.

Anyway, I think I'm definitely going to stay. I haven't made best friends with anyone, but I feel like I know people better now that I've been in it awhile, and even when I'm not speaking, other people's speeches are generally pretty interesting. And lets face it, I would probabably do anything to get off the phones at work anyway.

Also I pooped a lot yesterday. That was not fun.

blerg

I didn't blog last week because I had bronchitis and felt like I was dying. I still sort of feel crappy, but meh.

Anyway, I feel like blogging today because I'm depressed. So if you don't like whining, don't read. Though if you hated whining, you probably would've given up on this blog a long time ago.

Anyway:

My mom got done with chemo not too long ago. She's going to have a scan on Thurs to see if it got rid of the cancer. Which is good news if it did work. But if it didn't, apparently it won't respond to chemo again. So if she still has cancer, there's nothing they can do.

I still hate my job. I haven't heard from U of I yet whether or not I got in. I'm still conflicted over if I even want to go. Sometimes I wonder if I'll waste a bunch of time and money on it like with my BA and then have nothing to show for it. I also wonder whether they'll accept me. I'm well within the minimum standards.... but I was well within the minimum standards when I applied there for my undergrad degree and never got in. I hate the position I'm in... I don't even care anymore whether I get a job I truely love, I just want one I won't totally dread every day, and I don't even know if that's really possible.

I've been thinking of selling some stuff on ebay, and it terrifies me. Not the ebay bit... just having to get rid of things, I'm a terrible packrat. I was talking with Andi about it not too long ago. She's selling nearly everything she owns, which I could never do. I used to think I was materialistic, but I don't think it's that. I just get so attached to things, I hate to see them go. But anyway, I have a bunch of stuff at my parents house that I have to get rid of sooner or later, and none of it is going to fit over here. Ebay sucks, though. I have no idea what anything is worth, and there's no real way to find out for most things. As for pez dispensers, which are better documented, everything seems a lot cheaper on ebay than in those pricing books. I don't even care that much about making a profit on them, I just can't see anyone wanting to buy anything if shipping costs more than the actual item. Also, I seem to be the only one whose stuff isn't like, mint in package. I really don't understand how so many people have toys from 20 years ago that were never played with or even opened. I don't know... just thinking of getting rid of anything makes me sad. I'm a freak.

Speaking of Andi, one reason she is selling all that stuff is because she is moving to Oregon. Which, by my calculations, leaves me with only 2 friends in this town, neither of whom have time to see me. Most of my out of town friends seem busy with stuff lately too. I don't know if I'm a shitty friend, or if that's just the nature of people these days, but I never seem to hold onto any for very long. I wish I knew a way other than work to make friends, since work isn't doing so well for that right now.

I don't know... maybe I'm just easily depressed, but I've been feeling sort of that way in general for awhile. One weird thing is I've been missing my old apartment. I don't know why, the new one's way nicer. And I've been missing Borders, which is stupid because when I did work there all I could think of was getting out. I also miss my attention span, I'm having trouble enjoying books anymore.

well

Another disconcerting thing that's happened recently is... well, I guess this requires a bit of backstory.

One of my nervous habits is, I pick at the skin around my fingers. Sometimes I even dig enough that it will bleed. I've done it as long as I can remember. It's sort of gross (at Borders I'd have to have someone bring me a bandaid at register so I wouldn't bleed all over people's merchandise I was ringing up).

Anyway just last Friday my sister noticed. I thought she knew about it already, having known me all my life. But I guess not. She asked if it was "dry skin," or something and I was just like, "yep." I don't know why I should be offended that she's never noticed, obviously I don't really want to discuss it with people that much. It just seems odd. Her 3 year old son has already noticed on several occaisions. I actually tell the 'phew that I accidently cut myself, but he still makes a federal case out of it ("owie! you have an owie!") and will kiss it better for me. Oh well. I miss that kid, by the way. My sister seems to only bother to hang out with my parents, and I would just sort of piggyback onto that. Now that Mom's sick... obviously less visits. I need get my butt in gear and schedule some time to hang out with them soon before he forgets who I am.

FYI

Just to let everyone know: you should not listen to Blink 182 when you are depressed. It doesn't cheer you up at all . You mostly start thinking about what a retard you are to even like this music to begin with. Which makes you sadder.

poop

Gah, I hate life. I don't really remember what all I've meant to blog about lately, but Blogger's not been letting me on.

Anyway today was shitty but one nice thing that happened is Julie called me, and we talked forever about a wide variety of topics such as fucked up family life, batman, Jem, Dschinghis Khan, our loathing for Harry Potter (well, she just dislikes it, I personally loathe it). She might have a part time job soon, which would mean money to come to town and see people, which would be sweet. I also found out that the reason Andy has not responded to any of my many proddings about game night is that he currently has pneumonia, which sounds poopy, and I hope he gets better.

One thing I remembered, I guess, is just that work makes me even more annoyed lately. One thing our supervisor pushes is going out there and getting on committees to develop yourself. Well, it's not like all these fucking committees are beating down my door to have me on them. You have to be reccommended by a supervisor, and mine never does. In fact, he doesn't even really tell you when there's an opportunity around, it looks like. Because one thing they've been lately is training new reps, and you can sit there and help them. I see people who started when I started doing it, and I didn't even know they were going to train anyone soon. And I have let him know that I'm interested in committees and things like that. Not only do they make you look good, but they're like a million times better than taking fucking calls. I just feel shuffled around in general, we're supposed to have efficiency leaders help us get better at our job, and I only even finally got one like 3 months ago, and have never talked to her again (I found out from someone else recently that you're supposed to meet with one every couple of weeks). We're also supposed to listen to calls with coordinators, to learn about what we are and aren't doing right, and again, I've only done that like once since training and I just found out you're supposed to do it a lot more. You're supposed to have a team meeting every month, and my team does like half that. I will tell this all to my supervisor the next time I see him, but who knows when that will be?

I just sort of feel fucked up and angry at life right now, it reminds me of like, August, when I was having lunch with my parents fucking crying in McDonalds because I don't know what I'm doing with my life. And I guess not that much has changed since August.

just skip to the end

Today I got my 15 min break at 8:30-8:45. I work 4-10, people! What is the effin point by then? But on the other hand I got my bonus! Which is good, cause I sorta spent it already. It was actually less than I thought it would be, goddamn you federal government! But it is still awesome, as unexpected money always is.

I spent the earlier part of my day with my Roni. I have a sneaking suspicion that he is cheating on me with Paul Rudd or a monkey, but other than that, everything is great. Yesterday, we played card games all day. Killer Bunnies (dunno if I've mentioned it before, but I got it on my birthday and it is super-fly), Phase 10 (sort of like Gin Rummy, but not really), in a pickle (I don't feel like describing it), and then randomly deciding to draw for each other the objects on the in a pickle cards. It was a lot of fun.

Then the evening before that we had dinner somewhere classy (Michael's) because I had a buy one get one free coupon (sweet!). I had an entree made out of butter. Delicious butter.

Earlier on weds, I saw a movie with my dad that was less poopy than I had thought but in the end still had Anakin from Star Wars. It was the first time I saw a movie over at that new galaxy theater, and it is pretty sweet. The number one thing I like is they show matinees on weekdays. I don't know how they turn a profit on it, my dad and I were the only ones in the theater, but it is convenient for me, since that is usually when I have time on my hands. Then the screens are ginormous, and the seats are super-comfortable.

And just now I pooped half my body weight.