I struggled quite a bit on how to put this, as text seems cold and unemotional. I guess I myself feel cold and unemotional, because I can't believe that it happened at all, much less this fast.

My mom died tonight. It's weird to think of someone having cancer going suddenly, but she did. She was stable for a few months, and rapidly deteriorated the last few days, especially today.

Who wants to be a pal?

So I'm going to the train station at 9:40 AM on Weds the 13th. My dad might be able to take me, but things with my mom are complicated right now (which makes me feel like even more of a douche for leaving town, but I already paid for the train tickets) so he might not be able to. Does anyone want to be my backup? I'll give you blueberry pie.... delicious pie...

I don't know how well this new obsession with baking is going to treat my already expanding waistline, but I kind of enjoy that it gives me something to do at night to distract me when I'm alone with my dumb thoughts. And it feels more respectable than playing with imaginary ponies, which is what I previously* did.

Anyway, it feels awesome when I succeed. Tonight I made blueberry scones and they were hella awesome. I don't know how well they'll keep, given the juiciness of the blueberries, but I will probably pawn some off on my dad tomorrow.... along with portions of two pies and (hopefully--it'll be my first effort at it) homemade whipped cream. I didn't even follow the recipe properly. It said to use lemon zest, but damn Kroger's eyes! they didn't have any so I used some key limes I had sitting around. It said to use lemon yogurt *glares at Kroger again* but I used vanilla. Then also there was this glaze to put on them, but I forgot to buy powdered sugar, so I just left it off. Still: awesome.

It makes me wonder why brownies hate me so much even though I completely follow directions when making them.

Anyway, I gotta keep making blueberry stuff until I'm out of blueberries. I have 6 pounds of them in my fridge right now because Meijer, glorious Meijer *glares daggers at Kroger again* has them on sale 2lbs for $4.40. And then I decided I love pies so I've been making Key Lime too (that's what the homemade whipped cream is going to be for) and lately have found a boatload of other pie recipes on the internet I'm itching to try.

__________
* Oh, who am I kidding, even with the baking I'm still playing Howrse like 4 hours per day

Veeeedio

If you have facebook, and would like to stalk me, here are the only two videos that I know of on the internet that have me not using any racial slurs.

Hulk Smash Diet

General jackassery

God fucking damn. I was so happy these last few days, and within a matter of hours of getting home, I'm already crying. What is wrong with me?

It's been a very good couple of days. I have developed quite a flair for pie making; I never realized it was quite this easy. Anna helped me out with a second blueberry pie, and we hung out and had a great time. A conversation with her is what inspired the previous comic (that and Rebecca & I's running obsession with people who do Foley for any movie).

Then the day after that, I made a key-lime pie. Which, again, is crazy easy. I didn't even properly follow the instructions and I still got it right. It's also cheaper than blueberry pie, now that the crazy awesome blueberry sale at Meijer is over now.

Then Lothar & I went to Julie's house for a couple days. Which was AWESOME.

1) We took the Foley joke to a whole new level. So now, if I had to, I probably could do Foley for a porno now, especially if it involved whale bestiality or wookiees.

2) I learned what a buttplug is shaped like, then used this knowledge to create a makeshift one out of Julie's bedpost.

3) Barbecue AWESOME

4) I saw a shooting star

And much more. Plus it was great to not have work for two days, and to get the hell out of this town. I mean, I don't have the animosity towards this town that a lot of people do, but it's nice to get a change of scenery once in awhile. And it was definitely good to see Julie for a more extended stretch of time.

Not sure why my comics have been so sexual lately. Tina says it's because I'm not getting any, but as weird as I am, when I'm horny, I don't usually think of Japanese men coming glitter on each other's backs or taints or this:



Ah, sweet mysteries of life.

This one's not that good, but I thought of it today after vacuuming. My carpet throws up so much fuzz that every few vacuums I have to take the vacuum cleaner and stick a coathanger all up in its tubes to yank out the enormous balls of fuzz that clog them.

Mamie

Not necessarily in chronological order.

--The asshole neighbors moved. I found out because the condo prez. came out and appologized to me about the garbage in the parking lot they left when they moved out. I looked way too happy when he told me that, I fear. The guy's brother moved in, so I fear he's an asshole too, but still he might not be and even if he is, that's like 1/3 of the sheer volume of assholes formerly cohabitating the complex. Yes, I count the baby as an asshole too, for crying all the time (though, as the guy who sold this place to my parents says, "I'd cry too if I had those parents").

--I gained a nemesis at work on Fri. This guy's a total stranger to me, I walked by his cube on the way to my supervisor's desk. He says, "don't look so happy," sarcastically to me. This is something that irritates the crap out of me even when I am not depressed, because who has a fucking right to tell me what facial expressions I can and can't make if I'm not doing anything weird or rude with them?

Then on top of it, the fact is I'm not happy, and I don't feel I should be skipping into work with a big fake grin on my face just to please complete strangers. But I was polite, and went on my way. Then, on the way back to my desk, the fucker does it again! This is in the space of like, 2 minutes! Who does that? The one guy at my previous job who used to say this would space it out over months instead of repeatedly harassing me about it. AND I knew him, he wasn't a goddamn stranger sticking his nose into my business. I am now completely enraged. But I let it pass.

So then later in the day, I go to the bathroom. And guess who is heading there when I'm on my way back--my brand new buddy. As I am walking towards him, I think, "Okay, he's not going to do it a third time. No one would do this a third time when the first two obviously didn't make the person smile." But then he says it AGAIN. I am now so agitated that I have to say something. If I don't say something, he will keep doing it, and I can't take that. I am in fact, INCOHERENT WITH RAGE, because I can't even articulate what to say to him. I sputter for like a minute, finally spewing out some sort of combination of "what do you want from me?" and "I don't even know what my face is supposed to look like," clenching and unclenching my fists the whole time. He acts deeply offended that I don't take his harassment as friendliness and leaves before I can actually say anything meaningful to explain to him about why this bothers me.

I know it's evil to use this just to put someone in their place, but if I were really, really thinking on my feet my reply would probably be, "My mother's dying of cancer right now. Please stop telling me to smile." It would make him feel about an inch tall, which is probably mean, but it would probably be upsetting enough to make him think twice before harassing total strangers who might have a 100% valid reason to not look happy again, and maybe break him of this obnoxious habit.

--I made a blueberry pie! It is my first experience of pie baking--and I think I did well. It doesn't really have a traditional crust, it has crumblies on top and graham cracker crust on bottom. Not only was this easier, but I'm not big on traditional crust so I thought it tasted better as well. I brought some to my dad, and I was really happy, he took a lot of it because he liked it so well. He also actually scraped the pie pan to get crust he missed because he liked it so much. This is a HUGE compliment, because when my mom made pies she used to yell at him for not eating the crust (though--my crust isn't better than mom's, just a different sort, she used traditional crust and I think he's like me and likes graham cracker more). Josh sampled it as well and liked it, then I took it to the D & D crew and they seemed to like it as well. I like eating what I cook, but I almost more like taking my successes around to people just to fish for compliments, so I was happy at the amount of joy the pie brought to various people. I bought more blueberries, so I am going to do it again soon.

--I recieved an awesome card from Andi. Even though it's not my birthday, it says, "Happy birthday, you bastard," and inside, "No seriously, you're a bastard." She (rightfully) thought I would like it so much that she bought it for me and sent it regardless of birthday status.

--I hung out with Josh today. He brought me delicious funnel cake from this street fair in Peoria and it was awesome. We watched some arrested development, played some Blokus, ate food, and shopped. Having him around always peps me up, so I'm glad he visited.

--I hung out with the D & D crew today, and it was also sweet. I played an awesome game called Aquire for the second time ever and we enjoyed some Apples to Apples as well. I also had this conversation that makes me the creepiest person ever:

(something about kids or something)
Me: Yeah? Well children can suck on my junk. Which is why, by law, I'm required to stay at least 40 feet away from them.
Pat: Are you saying you're involved in kiddie porn?
Me: No, I'm a molester. I'm a doer, not a watcher.
(can't remember who made this suggestion): Well you could make kiddie porn. You could be the star!
Me: Uh, I don't think I'd be the star, the kid is. I'd be in more of a supporting role.

And on that note I end this post.

wow

I mean, I knew I had hostility towards my job, but I think re-reading a snippet of a letter I'm sending to a friend made me realize just how much. I mean, it starts out with a joke I always do, that isn't even mine (ryan came up with it) but the rest is all despair.

"Anyway, yeah, my life still sucks. I started crying today because I was at this orientation thing for a bunch of people applying for a posting at my workplace, and they all had more skills and knew more people than me and I feel like I'll never get out of my awful fucking job where people who think they're on hold and I can't hear them will say, "this girl talks like a retard," or say nearly as mean things to my face (so to speak). Still, they're the retarded ones. I know everything about them; they know nothing about me. When I finally snap, I'm going to drive to someone's home, leap at them like a spider monkey, and sing "like a good neighbor, I know where you live," to them over and over as I spread hooker entrails on their front lawn. "I heard you was havin' a barbecue, neighbor," I'll cackle gleefully as well. The coup de gras will be finding their kids and telling them that santa is really a hobo named "Oklahoma bill" who regularly sodomizes their mother... and father. Then I will give them a brief but graphic description to them of what sodomy is using one of the hooker corpses as a visual aid.

So apparently my grandpa has no idea how sick my mom is. I personally am not sure which would be worse, what I'm going through now, or thinking she's doing way better and then being rudely interupted one day, and finding out everyone else knew. I was a coward; I didn't really set him straight. I guess my dad is too, because he's the one that's been keeping grandpa updated. I sort of get where dad's coming from; even though Mom's a grown up, it's got to be hard to tell a man his daughter is dying. I don't know.

I actually called him because I was depressed and thought talking to him would distract me (I'm probably a poor granddaughter but he wasn't even my first choice). That was a bad idea; I'm going to have to remember to never call him when I'm depressed ever again. Because this is how it went down.

Grandpa: so how's work going?
Me: (I hate it so much I cry in the bathroom before my shift sometimes thinking about having to do this job one more day) Eh...
Grandpa: So have you found a handsome guy?
Me: I had a handsome guy but then he broke up with me.
Grandpa: So is your mother going out to dinner with you guys tonight?
Me: (she has not been anywhere but the couch except for cancer treatments since March) No.
Grandpa: I think I'm going to visit soon.
Me: That would be cool.
Grandpa: And work? You're working every day?
Me: yes

Ad nauseum.

Before that, I was just sort of lying around, feeling sick in general. I've noticed that after the initial rush of well-being I felt at improving my diet, I've been feeling sick about as much or more than I was before, only much less pain per episode. I guess that's better, but not as much better as I had hoped for, given the earlier success. The thing is, people have two sides of the spectrum: diahrea, and constipation. When they're in the middle, they're good. I, however, can never be in the middle and totally good, and the few times I am in the middle, I get both bad things. Constipation causes pain, pain, pain so I guess I try to aim more towards the diahrea side. So... yeah, I've just been feeling sort of sick and diahreay the last few days (as opposed to hours long episodes of knife stabbing pain before that). It kind of killed my progress at cleaning the place and attempting to get things done.

After the talk with Grandpa, the day got somewhat better, I decided to cheer myself up the american way (go out and buy stuff). I rarely, rarely ever buy clothes for myself but I decided to get a skirt because I need more pants or skirts because I'm too fat for the ones I have now. So I got a pretty skirt for myself so I can feel like less of a fat slob. Then I went out and bought some soy cheese. I am curious to see if it makes me feel bad as real cheese, and if it tastes any good. The only downside, if I like it, is that it is insanely expensive. Then they had a HUGE carton of blueberrys on sale that I bought. They look ripe and fresh and delicious. I'm thinking of maybe making some yogurt parfaits since I have all the yogurt right now, or finding a smoothie recipe or something.

Then I went to dinner with my dad, because it's his birthday. It was mainly good, I worked more with the Phew on his delivery of "do you have tickets to the gun show? They're right over there." The food was tasty. My dad also gave me something to think about, he had an article on how they're needing technicians for windmill farms now that people are trying harder for natural energy, and maybe I could see if I could get that sort of job, which seems really interesting. One thing I was sort of annoyed with my dad about--I had e-mailed him a few days ago I finally had read and made notes on what I thought of the obituary he wrote for mom. He asked me if I had it, and I was like, "No. I didn't want to bring it to your birthday celebration." Who brings a man's wife's obituary to him on his birthday? Not me. He's so anxious to have it that he wanted to stop by my place after dinner (which he ended up doing on his own, I had stuff I had to do afterwards, which I told him).

Which, about the obituary: once I got over the hump of actually making myself read it, I found that I mostly didn't care. The only thing I care about is her living, and since I can't have that, I don't care that much about anything else. She's not going to be there to see it or care. It seems pointless. I don't know if my Dad & sister think I'm not pulling my weight, because I don't have an opinion on any of this, but... I dunno. I pointed out a gramatical mistake or two, and then did not write anything about the one thing that DID annoy me about the obit, which was that it started out with, "After a courageous struggle with lung cancer, (my mom's name) passed away on _________." Yeah, her struggle is SO courageous that it inspired you to give up on her and predict for her to fail in this "struggle" several months ahead of time, with a convenient blank to fill in for the exact date.

After dinner I went to hang out with Julie (who was in town, yay!) & co in Danvers for awhile, which was fun. I got my ass handed to me in an interesting game called infernal contraption, and we played some rock band. Julie got me some ENORMOUS 20 sided dice for my Minja. It was a lot better than the day started.

TAINT

So I was thinking about Josh's taint the other day....

does any other post begin more promisingly? Anyway, I promise it's not gross. In fact, I don't think I could draw a realistic taint if my life depended on it.

Which is probably a good thing. Anyway, I'm pretty sure the number of circumstances in which you are forced to draw a realistic taint in order to save your life are pretty small. I want to say there are 5, at the maximum.

Anyway, new comic: Taint

PS: TAINT! Tainty taint taint taint taintety taint!

PPS: I was really, really, inclined to add "Do you know what that's like for me? I LOVE the Dells at this time of year!"

then, "I panned for gold there once"

then, "all I got was this lousy rose quartz, though."

But I realized you would have to have a REALLY specific knowledge of my vacation to the Wisconsin Dells when I was 8 to get any of that.

Today I hung out with my parents. I bought my dad lunch, he bought me dinner, and we saw the x files. It's an alright movie, I was glad that it was mostly stand-alone and I didn't have to dredge up my memories of what convoluted wheelings and deelings the cigarette smoking man had or didn't have like 8 years ago. It was basically like a long episode of the x-files, it wasn't bad, but it didn't sell me on "why we decided to make a movie a bajillion years after the show went off the air."

Speaking of which, I did mean to go into more (spoilery) details about Batman awhile ago. I don't know what it is about Batman, but part of me itches to analyze it. I mean, a lot of movies are way too high level for me to want to bother analyzing, and a lot of movies are too shallow to have anything to analyze, but I guess Batman is right in the center.

Anyway, the number one thing that irritated me about the movie was Batman mackin' on a woman who he already had his chance with, who is involved in a relationship already. Batman, as you can see by the way they ended the movie, has an enormous streak of self-sacrifice, and really strong morals. Plus, he really respected Harvey Dent. We see this almost exact situation in Casablanca. The resistance needs Victor Laszlo. Victor needs Ilsa. Rick loves Ilsa but gives her up for the good of the cause. That's what Batman should do, dammit! He's Batman!

I also find that breaking that machine that tracks everything not really believable. I mean, I see Morgan Freeman's objections to it, because I am a fan of civil liberties and my privacy and all that, but seriously, for Batman to give up that tracking ability? In a city that is well-known for breeding psychotic freaks more than willing to blow half of it up? Batman is going to be kicking himself the next time the Joker breaks out of Arkham.

Speaking of random villians, can anyone explain Scarecrow's brief role in this one? I have a feeling there was some part of the movie that explained it, but they needed to cut it out because the movie's already so long. But I can't tell whether he was on the side of the batman wannabes, or if they captured him. And if he is good and on their side, why? But if the wannabes captured him, how did it become that easy. I know he had Liam Neeson on his side last time, but still, a good portion of the last movie was dedicated to how difficult it was to catch Scarecrow. And either way, I don't see Batman not trying to detain him afterwards to take him to jail or something himself.

But I still loved Michael Caine and Gary Oldman. I think they give a lot of warmth and humanity to the story and to Batman. I mean, the love story is supposed to do that, but whatever. I found Gary Oldman talking to his child when he thinks they might die much more heart-wrenching than the death of the female lead. And I believed the fatherly love between Michael Caine & Batman a lot stronger and relatable than the romantic love between Bale & Gylenhaal.

Back to my day: I gave my mom this Neil Diamond CD. Which, she is crazy about his music. I kind of didn't know whether she'd care or not, she never really gets up from this one spot, and it is nowhere near the stereo. My dad, however, had the idea that we could play it on the computer, which is near there, so she did listen to it today.

My dad said I seemed perkier than I had been in awhile. I was surprised, because I hadn't thought anything good had happened since the last time I saw him, in fact something bad happened (one of the job postings I interviewed for finally got back to me and they don't want me) but I was thinking about it, and the last week has been pretty good.

--I'm finally getting some sleep. Before that I was going off sleeping pills again (I was taking so many it made me shake) and it was a lengthy and unpleasant process. I am totally unstable when I don't get enough sleep. I'm not joking--I literally begin to resemble a schizophrenic if I lack enough sleep. And when it's not bad enough to make me schizophrenic, I'm at least depressed and cranky.

--Josh and I are solidifying our friendship, and I'm worrying less about him moving to Michigan (it seems like he's patching things up with his roommate). This is an enormous relief, because no matter how much I try to stand on my own two feet, I lean on him a lot, and if things aren't good with us, it makes everything feel worse.

--He also cleaned my house the last time he was here, which has improved my mood. I mean, there's still a lot of cleaning I should do, but he did so much and I don't feel like I'm living like an animal anymore. It also gives me the motivation to work on the other cleaning.

--I have been eating more colitis-friendly since I went to the grocery store last, and it has been helpful. I've made a rule: no cheese two meals in a row (surprisingly hard to follow that rule, but I'm working on it). I've also picked up some of that yogurt that is supposed to make you regular. The yogurt isn't exactly designed to solve my problem, but I figure it can't hurt. I got some Silk yogurt, too, which surprisingly: tastes exactly like regular yogurt. I made meatloaf, and bought some fruit. I'm showering more regularly. I feel like I'm taking care of myself more and it is helping.

So hopefully things stay better.

Don't worry, no spoilers.

phoemeister (3:05:06 PM): my dad and I just saw batman
phoemeister (3:05:20 PM): it was good though there were things that annoyed me about it
phoemeister (3:05:27 PM): and it made me cry :|
Suibrom (3:05:40 PM): like what?
phoemeister (3:05:45 PM): have you seen it yet?
Suibrom (3:05:48 PM): nope
phoemeister (3:05:58 PM): oh well I won't spoil you on the things that annoyed me
phoemeister (3:06:15 PM): the thing that made me cry is at one point they threaten Lieutenant Gordon's son
phoemeister (3:06:24 PM): I dunno why, wouldn't normally do it to me
Suibrom (3:06:43 PM): hmm
phoemeister (3:07:26 PM): oh well
Suibrom (3:08:47 PM): I've heard that it's quite disturbing and dark
phoemeister (3:09:13 PM): I dunno. I guess it is but I'm not that sensitive to disturbing
phoemeister (3:09:22 PM): I mean it's more disturbing than like, the orig. batman
phoemeister (3:09:27 PM): but it's not like Sin City or anything
phoemeister (3:10:28 PM): Oh and I saw the trailer for the Watchmen. I contend that anything that has a trailer of a sexy woman walking around in slow motion to a shitty smashing pumpkins song is not something I'm going to be excited about.
Suibrom (3:11:04 PM): aww watchmen should be cool
phoemeister (3:11:12 PM): the trailer sucks though
phoemeister (3:13:58 PM): even you have to admit that a shitty smashing pumpkins song is.... well... shitty

afds

phoemeister (12:29:14 AM): at least I didn't send you what I bought yesterday
Ryan (12:29:35 AM): haha what's that?
phoemeister (12:30:02 AM): the new Wolf Parade
Ryan (12:30:11 AM): how is it?
phoemeister (12:30:30 AM): Eh... not as good as the other one. I don't know if you'd think that is good or bad considering how you felt about the other.
phoemeister (12:30:46 AM): A lot more slower tempo less catchy songs. So I may like it in time, but not that much now.
phoemeister (12:31:08 AM): I don't even know if it's wolf parade's fault, though. I haven't really liked anything or listened to much music-wise for awhile now
Ryan (12:33:07 AM): I'll just go ahead and blame wolf parade

So I looked at the stuff I have up on deviant art after a long, long time and the funny thing is: I can't remember how I did most of them or how I would ever replicate any of it.

Eh.

Today was... interesting. I started off talking to Rebecca for the first time in months. She was in town and could hang out for about an hour. Of course, since Murphy's law is so fond of me, it was exactly at the one day all week I had anything planned. The thing I had planned was D & D. Which, even though I really like D & D with the group, I probably would've generally had no problems with going there late except this time they'd already all moved the schedule up because I had something after, and then the DM is busy the next two weekends after this. Plus, I'd just woken up so I don't mind saying my brain was a little rusty.

So I was sort of like, "I don't think I can, I have D & D," which probably sounded jerkish, but whatever. But then I was thinking about how much I want to see her, and this has been my first chance since Christmas, and I was like, "I really need to see if I can make this happen." So I called up a member of the D & D group, and he didn't think it was that dickish of me to be late given the circumstances. So I tried calling her back several times, and didn't get her until she was back in Champaign.

So that made me sad, but I did still go to D & D afterwards and that was pretty good. Then I had the aforementioned nephew's party which was kind of shit, but I expected it. He's got so many toys that he wasn't really excited about any of his gifts, and then he randomly ignored me at one point when I was trying to talk to him. I got free pizza though. Except it didn't agree with my colon all that well, which I already knew it wouldn't. I'd already turned down pizza earlier in the day, though, and couldn't do it twice. Why do you have to be so damn irresistable, pizza? And yet so unpleasant to my colon?

I've had to cut down a LOT on cheese lately which sucks, because anyone who knows me knows that cheese makes up about 90% of my diet. I mean, I still feel sick most of the time, but it doesn't hurt as much without cheese as with cheese. I still haven't made an appointment with my poop doctor, because I don't think he can really do anything, but I am tossing around the idea anyway, esp. if I can get him to write a note to my job saying, "back up, fuckers, she's really sick."

I hate everything. So I guess most stuff is going as usual.

First off, Josh said he thinks he is probably going to move back to Michigan soon (he has his reasons, but all anyone who reads this probably needs to know is that it's not anything to do with me). Which.... I hate. I mean, one reason it sucks is he doesn't even want to do it and I think he'll hate it. But my big reason is I'm selfish and I hate it because everyone who moves away stops talking to me. Everyone. Plus talking on the phone isn't the same as hanging out. Josh and I actually did hang out some today and yesterday, and it was so good. I really, really think we could make the transition to friends and be great friends. But he's going to leave, and gradually or suddenly stop talking to me like even the people who don't move do, and the one person on this earth I'm closest to is going to be gone.

I wonder why people don't miss me the way I do. I mean... I especially don't get people who I was really close to letting it go, but I do have retarded thoughts about people I wasn't even close to. "Gee, so and so is so great. I wonder how they're doing." I wonder why people find it so easy to grow apart from me, I think I try. I know other people who've had long friendships, even over distance. Why do I lack that sort of staying power with people?

Second: my colon tried to kill me. It hurt really, really badly. Which has been happening a lot lately, so if I ever get off my ass I will probably go see my poop doctor. But the awful thing is I had to take off work, and I have too many absences already and I will probably never ever get promoted from my current position. I really want to be like "fuck it" and quit this motherfucking job, but I don't want to waste the year I stayed with it just so that I could get promoted to something else in the company. I don't even fucking know if I want to stay with the company, I just know that I hate any job I am qualified for, so I might as well stay with a place that has sweet-ass benefits and good pay. But if I have to work there much longer I'm going to have to quit and work nowhere and live under a bridge because I hate it so, so much that it's one more awful thing in my life that I can't handle right now.

by the way

I want to rip off the Cancer Center of America's nutsack, if it has one. And feed it to the Cancer Center of America. If it has nuts but no mouth, that's fucked up, but I guess I would cut them a mouth hole to shove their nuts in.

Anyway I think they're sadistic bastards because they advertise so goddamn much. Seriously, EVERY ad break. Which is awesome, because it makes anyone with cancer or related to someone who is dying of cancer, unable to fucking forget about it for one goddamn second.

The worst when my Dad was helping my mom stand up so she could go to the bathroom. Some detached part of me I created during my time as a film minor in college noted that I could currently BE in a movie as I watched my mom struggle to even stand up on my left, while simultaneously a recovered cancer patient on the TV to the right beams and bubbles and tells us there is always hope. Except if I were making a movie, I would never do that because it's so fucking cheesy. I didn't even like experiencing it by accident, because my mom IS dying and their stupid fucking false promises just make me want to drive to chicago, burn down the entire building, and then tell EVERYONE it was me.

So I made this for Julie, and it's based on something I orig. made for Josh, but I feel proud of it, so I'm going to share. And if anyone ever took me up on it, I would be happy to do them a solid.* (click on it to see it at a size you can actually read)






Yes, I have made all these colors at one time or another. I've even made white (that was with some help from barium, whereas the others are pure me). The only thing I have yet to make is the all-elusive blue.
_____________________
* Well, it's kind of liquidy but you get the picture