well

This is actually a comment I left on a friend's blog, but it tickled me too much to not put it here:

PS: my poo came out EXACTLY this color yesterday (yes, I am indeed the sort of person that will look up and memorize the hexidecimal number for my poo colors). I mean, I make a lot of weird colors but I think this is right up there with the time it came out traffic cone orange.

Sometimes I worry that people will think I've always been the way I am.

I can't let anyone into my house because it is disgustingly unkempt. I don't mean clutter. I mean remnants of rotting food clinging to paper plates stacked up entire the place. And the remnants of rotting food that is left on the carpet every time any of those stacks shift. I'm not an animal, I haven't always lived like one, I'm going through a tough time.

I hate that I'm so obviously needy. I hate that I cry all the time, over nothing, over a goddamn episode of Scrubs, over EVERY episode of Scrubs. I hate that I am more afraid of serial killers, armegeddon, and yes, piranha. I hate that if someone doesn't talk to me for two days, I suddenly think they hate me and/or have severely injured themselves somehow. I don't cry like this usually, even when I'm depressed. I'm not a cry baby. I'm not this neurotic. Except that I am. Currently.

I can't let anyone notice I wear the same two (unfortunately similar looking) pairs of pants every day because I've gotten too fat for the others I own and am too stubborn to buy more. Or the all too obvious decline in my personal hygiene.

I hate that I have to make excuses like this, so that I don't hate myself any more than I do already.

I'm not like this. This is not me. I'M NOT THIS FUCKING WHINY. It is temporary. At least, I hope it is.

I FUCKING HATE WHERE I LIVE

One goddamn day this summer I would just like to not be woken up early by a lawn mower. And kept up.

I like the inside of my place. I decorated it. I have more space.

But the soundproofing is so goddamn shitty I want to scream. Anytime anyone does anything outside, I hear it. The downstairs neighbors make so much as a peep (and trust me, they do more than peep) I hear it. I used to live on a much busier street and I rarely heard anything, and if I did, it was usually a car that would pass and then go away, not spend 18 hours being industrially loud across the street from me.

During the winter, I DREAMED of nice weather so I wouldn't have to hear the snow plow going at it 8 minutes under my window, but I forgot about fucking lawnmowers.

And yeah, I know it's dickish to say that 10 am is early, but you know what? I work second shift, I'm under a lot of stress right now, SOMETIMES I DON'T FALL ASLEEP UNTIL VERY LATE. I conclude with: @#$%^&*(*&^%%%$^&_*#@@!#$^&**(*((

Where does glitter come from?

Supervillian

I had a good time hangin' out with the peeps this Saturday, being a douchebaggy rogue AKA Minja (midget + Ninja) in D & D, eatin' food, makin' weird jokes, of which the above is a reference to. I think it stands on its own pretty well too.

I think I need help, but I don't know what to do. That one therapist I saw just sucked so much.

I basically cry every day. The post I posted last, the happy one, I thought it was a semi-permenant change but it lasted one day. And now I'm back to crying. I have started taking so many sleeping pills at night to shut it out that they basically don't work anymore so I am up all night, like now.

I had two job interviews today (well, yesterday now) and it just sucked. I'm under their microscope, I have to show them why I'm the best for their stupid job I don't want anyway. I fucking know full well that I can do those jobs, it's BARELY a step above the one I do now, and considering a trained monkey could do my job, I doubt these two are that much harder. But instead I have to do their stupid behavioral questions about how I fucked up once and how I learned from it or how I promote teamwork. Listen you fuckers, my job is not a team job. I talk to the customers, they talk to me, they either like what I do or don't. It has nothing to do with anyone else, I succeed or fail by my own merits. But I feel like they'll never hire me for that job, let alone the one two levels up I'm REALLY interested in in the department. It makes me feel like a worthless sack of shit.

I called Josh, and of course he wasn't available. I should stop going to him when I need a friend, because of all the stuff between us he has trouble dealing with it. And it hurts me more when I can't talk to him than when other people aren't available, even when it's not his fault. I always feel like I need to talk to someone, but I always feel like I'm imposing when I do. He used to be the one who didn't make me feel like that, like I could go to him for anything, and now I feel it double. I feel like he and I are going to drift apart no matter how hard I try to stay friends with him, just like all my other friends drift away, and I'll just die. Because I remember when he was so into me. Like I was actually worth something and was someone's favorite person in the world. I've had best friends, but I've never BEEN someone else's best friend. I've always felt like my parents loved my sister more. And to go from finally being the center of someone else's world to just drifting away into nothing? I don't know if I can take it. It makes me feel like a worthless sack of shit.

And I started thinking about how I was pretty melancholy for a kid when I was growing up, I had a definite lack of friends there as well. And what I'd do in the middle of the night when I was sad and didn't want to be alone is go out to my mom in the kitchen, because she stayed up way later than the rest of the family and would still be out there, and pretend like my stomach was hurting so I could stay up and talk to her and not be alone. But of course, I'm a grown up and can't do that. And even if I did still live with them, she'll never be around again and I don't know how to deal with that either. I just want to kick and scream and tear something apart. I want to ask the universe why the fuck it needs to repeatedly kick me while I'm down like that. I lost my love, my friendship, my direction in life, and I can't even rely on the things most 26 year olds can take for granted, like their parents or even their health. What am I supposed to do?

And then of course, the most depressing thought, the thought that I pretty much think, all day most days: it is always going to be like this.

Today rocked as much as the last few days have sucked reasons.

--I haven't cried! At all! CRAZYNESS!

--Josh & I are friends again!

--I feel like my friends really do care, which I had crazily not felt about most of them lately.

--I got an interview for another position in my company! I actually started aiming lower than I had previously, but I actually am really really interested in the job I got the interview for. I also scored a SECOND interview, though I am less excited about that job. My boss also set up a mock interview for me tomorrow and I intend to rock it like a hurricane and use it to rock the real interview like a hurricane, and ending up the happiest person ever.

--I feel like I actually am connecting with people at work. Like, I technically don't have real friends that I hang out with, but no less than 3 people I work with engaged me in conversation today, and most of it wasn't awful work stuff, it was stuff that showed they actually care, or at least like my bizzare sense of humor. That's not counting my boss, who seemed almost as happy as I am about the interviews. No matter what you say about my company, one thing is you can tell they actually want you to succeed, and I'm glad.

--No really bad poops

fasd

So today at work I started having really bad, painful poops that were hard to get out. If it ever gets that bad, usually I go home. On top of that I had a headache, and my back and butt hurt. But lately, I've racked up a lot of absences. My supervisor, who has been really cool, warned me at one point that I will get in trouble soon if I keep getting them and it will go on my record. And I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, etc. onto infinity want to get promoted. I hate my job so much that sometimes even thinking of working there one more day makes me cry in the bathroom for 15 minutes before I start work. So I stuck it out.

Until 9:55 when I could leave. So I left.

And when I got home I realized it was 8:55.

I stayed there almost that whole time in fucking AGONY to avoid having an absence on my record. I worked so damn hard to avoid the absence....... and then I got one. Then I had to call up my supervisor and tell him, which was even worse. I feel like even my own excuses aren't plausible anymore. "Oh I can't work, I have colitis." "Oh, I can't work I have bronchitis." "Oh I was late to work someone slashed my tires," "Oh, I can't work I'm too depressed." And now... "Oh, I left early because I can't read." I cried on the phone, which I didn't want to do, because it makes me feel like I'm this fake busting out the crying at will whenever I want to make him okay an absence. He said it was alright but seriously.... I feel about one inch tall.

So I lost my security badge to get in and out of work. That's annoying, but what makes me sadder is I lost the Border's lanyard I had it on. I don't know why, but I was emotionally attached to the lanyard, and I can never replace it. Even it I did go to Borders and weirdly asked someone I know for a new one, it wouldn't be the same color as the ones from when I worked there.

In other news, last night I dreamt like 80 dreams (unusual for me) and they were ALL about Josh, Meijer, and Scrubs. In every dream, everyone flickered in and out of being scrubs characters (I'm not going to bother mentiong the switches to and back). Every dream was set in Meijer. One of them was not about Josh, it was about some light beer commercial set in Meijer. The "gimmick" was that the people were talking about buying beer, but they didn't have any in their shopping cart. Then you see the beer, and it's so light that it's on the ceiling. I don't know if a real ad like that exists, or I made it up. I had another dream where I started getting special discounts from Meijer because I had spent over 10,000 in there this year. Then when I got out of the store, I found out Josh was in town and he hadn't even told me. It turns out he had gotten kicked out of his home, and was living with someone up here. I was mad that he hadn't told me or chose me to live with. Also he was lighting a bag of poo and fireworks on fire to prank some friend of his. Then I drove away with my parents, and they taught me a valuable lesson on seatbelt safety. I had another dream where Josh was cheating on me (I guess we were still together in this dream) with his roommate's girlfriend. I caught them making out in Meijer. I had another dream where Josh got me hooked on cocaine, and then we hung out in Meijer. I had another dream where Josh had hidden cameras, taped every moment of us together, edited together the ones where I say something snarky and sarcastic, and gave it to Meijer so they could show it on all the little TV's they have in their checkout lines.

Why am I THIS obsessed with Meijer? I mean I get why it's all Josh, Josh, Josh. Maybe even the Scrubs bits, cause I've watched it a lot lately. But Meijer?

Meh

I hate it when people post lyrics. But... this is so totally the case, other than the bit about being half the world away. Except, of course, for the fact that I might as well be. Oh and the bit about not writing goodbyes is wrong too, because I presently will be helping to proofread her obituary.


Ever since I was young your word is the word that always won.
Worry and wake the ones you love.
A phone call I'd rather not receive.
Please use my body while I sleep.
My lungs are fresh and yours to keep,
Kept clean and they will let you breathe.

Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind.

Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these,
so I sat alone and waited out the night.
The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed.
So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around.
I'm not writing my goodbyes.

I submit no excuse.
If this is what I have to do I owe you every day I wake.
If I could I would shrink myself and sink through your skin to your blood cells
and remove whatever makes you hurt but I am too weak to be your cure.

I'm not letting you check out.
You will beat this starting now and you will always be around.
I'm there to monitor your breathing
I will watch you while you're sleeping.
I will keep you safe and sound.
Does anybody remember back when you were very young.
Did you ever think that you would be this blessed?

Yes, it's an emo song.

And of course I am feeling the Predatory Wasp of the Palisades too right now. Which is not emo, but might as well be.

I can't explain the state that I'm in
The state of my heart, he was my best friend
My friend is gone, he ran away
I can tell you, I love him each day
Though we have sparred, wrestled and raged
I can tell you I love him each day

And of course Fred Jones

There was no party, there were no songs
'Cause today's just a day like the day that he started
No one is left here that knows his first name
Yeah, and life barrels on like a runaway train
Where the passengers change
They don't change anything
You get off; someone else can get on

Yeah, and all of these bastards
Have taken his place
He's forgotten but not yet gone

Other awesome things that've happened lately:

--My grandpa is sick

--lost my MP3 player. Not only that, it had the few songs I was able to save off my old computer. And, of course, I'd not backed them up onto my new computer again.

I've decided to stop fucking blaming people for getting tired of my friendship. So from now on every time I think of calling a friend to lay my troubles onto, I'm going to take sleeping pills instead, and play Tetris until they kick in and I can be unconcious.

Work was sort of alright for once. I comforted this lady whose window had been broken and her house set on fire by vandals. I hate when bad things happen to nice people, but I like it when they get routed to me, because nice people make you WANT to help them, not feel like you HAVE to help them.

Then speaking of which, I had a woman whose house was flooded. That's not that weird, but on top of it she'd just had a baby a day or two ago, she was moving and didn't even know if her policy would cover the damage because she'd forgotten to update her address, and her mom has cancer too. She cried on the phone, the big racking sobs that I cry to people on the phone. And said, "it's just so much all at once," the way I have said "it's just so much all at once." I just wanted to reach through the phone and hug her and tell her I know exactly how she feels. I hate that someone so nice was under so much stress, but I liked being a sympathetic voice on the phone for her. It probably didn't help her that much in the grand scheme of things, but I liked being a help to someone who feels like the way I do.

Lastly, I helped a guy who was a total chode more than I had to, and it made me feel like someone who IS nice and does help even people who don't deserve it.

Which is something I've been worrying about lately. I don't know what it is about stress, but it starts making me worry even more about even the things I don't have to. So yes, I've been worrying extra about serial killers. I wake up in the night, and have to check to see if there's a serial killer in my house before I can go to bed again. I lock & close my windows even though I'm 3 stories up.

But the other weird thing I worry about off and on is armageddon. I think the reason why it creeps me out more than just dying for some other reason is that it means that God exists, and I'm probably going to go to hell. Being tortured FOREVER just seems like an unequal reaction to ANY sin. Like... even if you molest children for 60 years, I can see being tortured for 120 years. But like if you shoplift, do you deserve to be tortured for 120 years, much less forever? Or like if you're Hitler, maybe you get to feel everything every Jew you tortured feels, times 2 or 3. But forever? And me... I haven't done much that was actively bad, but I'm not exactly a good person. I give the minimum money to charity, and no time. I've never really done anything unselfless or good. I slide by in every situation doing the minimum. And I've not accepted Jesus in my life, because even though I really do believe in hell, I have trouble believing the good things. Plus, God seems like a dick. I know you're supposed to have faith and whatever, but stuff like Hitler and child molesters don't deserve to exist, I don't care what it does in your goddamn plan. You're god, you're so smart, you can figure out how to teach someone their lesson without it. And man, couldn't you have warned us about the goddamn serpent? Or made us smart enough to realize he's a dick on our own? And speaking of dicks, old testament god is such a bastard. I may not have given to charity, but I've never smited anyone, killed children to prove a point, or turned someone to a pillar of salt for feeling sorry for bad people. But there's a lot of natural disasters and wars, and it's been like a generation since the Jewish people reclaimed Israel, and my dad insists on talking about those first two things when he's not just yakking away about my sick mom & grandpa and I worry that the world is going to end and I'm going to hell forever.

I just wanted one goddamn day where I could forget that I hate my life.

I'm done

Me: one minute, please, while I look up a service provider in your area.
Person in the background: *asks customer a question*
Customer: They won't cover it or something. I don't know, the girl on the phone talks like a retard.

Today someone parked in my parking spot. Usually I don't think I'd get all that mad, but in my head, no matter who actually did it, it's THOSE people with their goddamn dog that barks all day. So I got pretty angry. I left a note saying "Please don't park in my spot," on the car, but in all caps.

I also had Phew Harder's birthday party to attend, it was alright. I was feeling kind of poopy (colitis) yesterday and today, so I wasn't exactly jumping off the walls. I have the Phew's birthday in a few weeks, and my Dad's and my brother in law's. Then my sister in August, my mom in September. I'm the only weirdo born out in Feb.

sdf

Sometimes I really wish I had friends living on the other side of the world, so that I could call them up and talk at 4 am when I can't read or play games on the computer anymore, and start crying.

I dunno. I feel dumb for posting all these self pitying posts all the time, but I feel like I'll go crazy if I don't. If I'm not already.

AMY SMASH

BTW, re: the hulk:

Ed Norton & Tim Roth are actually kind of lame, but by god, Tim Blake Nelson always delivers. I think they're trying to set him up as the next bad guy. And they're definitely going for an Avengers movie.

Anyway, I was reminded of the hulk because I'm very angry. I do dearly love the phrase "hulk smash," and use it awesome, but tonight I'm wanting to say, "Is the Hulk going to have to choke a bitch?" to my downstairs neighbor. Then when they look confused, shoot them and fuck the brain hole.

Seriously...

My downstairs neighbors might just be the biggest assholes in the world.

They bother me about my music all the time, even when it's not really loud.

Okay, I get it. I don't think it's that loud, but it does seem like sounds get through really easily, and I've lived next to loud people before and it's awful.

I do hate that they always say that it's because of their baby though.

In addition: their baby is the loudest most cryingest baby in the world.

But tonight: they locked a dog in their place for hours while it cries the whole time, driving me absofuckinglutely insane. Which, on top of it is against the condo assoc. rules.

So I got the condo president so he could hear it, but of course they weren't home for him to talk about it. He was sort of annoyed at having to be the police, but fuck it, it's the condo rules, so he IS the police for that.

Anyway I pretended like I don't hate their guts and want to get them in trouble, but I will def. be telling him again if they keep it up and aren't just dogsitting or something.

phoemeister (2:22:36 PM): you should fix everything
Suibrom (2:22:59 PM): I have a gun
phoemeister (2:23:39 PM): haha best answer of all time

And no, I'm not suicidal either. Even if I were the suicide type, which I'm not, how much of a monster would I be to do that to my family right now?

Don't worry on that account.