I am not allowed to think

So most of my day SUCKED ASS. It really all boils down to the fact that they did do what I suspected, outsource the best part of my job to n00b temps (the one part of the job I thought would keep me sane during the christmas season) and then not allow me to use the extra time it was supposed to give me for merch, which was pretty much the stupid point. I still contend that I can do it better and faster if they just let me do it, not just the selfish reasons. Why won't they hire some fucking cashiers? That's what I dream of.

I don't know why I get so angry... I saw it coming from a mile away. I should really be used to being dicked over by the store by now, but every time it sucks just as bad. And it always IS right when I start trusting them again, Elaine finally gave me the DAP the other day, and I had really resolved to start trying harder at work.

I literally spent my break time today eating bad McDonald's ice cream and screaming as loud as I could to angry emo music in my car.

So anyway Kevin knows I'm pissed about this, and basically took me aside so that I could rant about it to him, even though we both knew it wouldn't change anything. After that the rage just kind of melted and I was just sad... now might be because I am also sleep deprived today and it makes me very emotionally unbalanced, but I started having to pretty much hold back tears from that point on in the day.

I feel worse now than when I was at WEEK. Oh, make no mistake, WEEK WAS 100X worse. But... after a certain point, I realized I didn't want to work there, and only had a couple months left to ride out. I wasn't emotionally invested. For better or for worse, I am invested in this job. But it's not a job that makes me happy anymore, and I don't know how to fix it. And I don't know how to get another job that does make me feel happy either.

And of course whenever I have a bad day some customer complains about me, because apparently when my mouth says something nice and polite to a jerk customer, my eyes still say, "You fucking moron, I have too much shit already to deal with you today on top of it." This woman can seriously go fuck herself, especially since she seriously made up shit about what I said to her.

By the end of the day Lister thought I was physically sick, and I let him think that rather than going into all of it.

I dunno, it is weird, though, how little things can cheer you up though. I went to my parents house tonight to get some pills I needed and winter gear (I have been walking around inadequately prepared for the weather for awhile now). I thought this would be a quick in and out mission, but my mom actually made me dinner. It was so nice... just... warm, good, free, home cooked food that I didn't have to make myself. For me. Out of nowhere. Because they love me. It made me feel a lot better.

And I also thought: hooray for the world. Because I have been pretty low the last few days, but good things keep happening to cheer me up again. As well as this example, I have Boy DN coming out to spend half an hour scraping the ice off my car (and of course help me curse up a storm at it), and cute people materializing out of the internet as if by magic and accompanying me to Denny's. And green christmas lights! And people who write retorts involving "your mom" (my mom) to my grandiose claims of being the Rocky Balboa of selling stuffed animals. And drunks who can't stop jumping up and down at Wii parties. And stories about Walgreens shoplifters! People who have way too much time on their hands and use it to mock up a book cover to "the Hulk Smash Diet" in MS Paint. People who say something slightly dickish, and then completely apologize after I unleash all my rage at the world on them. And people who get me so hyper when they drive me to work that I don't even notice work sucks for the first couple hours I'm there.