I feel like I'm repeating some stupid cycle over and over again. Like that saying that the definition of craziness is doing the same thing over and over and thinking that you'll get a different result from the times before. But I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

When I was in high school, I made friends. All of them hated growing up in Bloomington Normal and got out as fast as they could. We lost contact.

When I worked at Borders, I made friends. All of them hated Bloomington Normal and saw it as a minor detour on their way to other, better places. All the ones I was close to moved. We lost contact.

This latest batch of friends, I was sort of adopted by because I was friends with one of them already. I thought it'd be different. She grew up here, went to college here, was stuck two hours away and was constantly looking for a way to get back here. The rest went to college here and had lived here several years since then, had good jobs here. One owned a house here. They weren't temporary people, I thought. But now, most of the group moved or are in the process of moving. I don't want to, but we'll probably lose contact.

But another theme though my life is I have is of people getting angry at me or bored with me somehow and purposefully losing contact. I mentioned that that happened with Rebecca to Connie at work once. She said Rebecca was stupid and I'm a good friend. But I have to think that opinion is because Connie doesn't really know me very well outside of work. I have to think Rebecca didn't plan anything like this from the start, and probably would've said the same about anyone else who blew me off back when we were close. What is it about me that doesn't inspire a lasting friendship? Am I whiney? Annoying? Boring?

I guess I'm depressed about it because Josh and I had a fight. Though I'm shitty at reading him, even worse than I am about reading people anyway, I don't think it's a friendship-ending fight. At least I hope it isn't. But the thing that really bothered me is what caused the fight: the fact that he was bored hanging out with me this time. We hadn't seen each other in a long time, even longer than the usual, and I had been looking forward to seeing him. When we hang out is the only time I really get to talk to him, he doesn't really seem interested in talking to me when he's not over here, even the few times our schedules do align. I guess he doesn't like talking as much as I do, or thinks I'm not into activities his other friends are, or there's just not much to do at my house because I don't have cable or video games. But he doesn't like hanging out at his house either.

Anyway, when he said he wanted to leave early, even though I had already taken Sunday off of work just to hang out with him, I was upset. I didn't mean to be a dick to him, but I pretty much made him immediately so I could be alone to cry and watch ALF. I didn't mean to take it out on him or anything, it's not his fault if I'm boring or whatever. I am just terrified that I'll lose the only friend I have left in this area. But the harder I try to hold onto him, the more uncomfortable it is for him, and it just drives him further away.

Also: Tina, if you're reading this: I hadn't called you last week because I had the sore throat. Archie called me today to see if I'd talk to you because you were stressed out about his stupid relatives, and I lied and pretended I had to go to work today. But the reality is 1) I didn't want to bother you with my stupid bullshit if you were already stressed 2) I don't like Archie telling me what to do, esp. since I don't want him or you to think I called you just because he called me, and I had planned to call you tomorrow anyway way before this--I typically don't call you on weekends because you have him there with you and you're usually busy doing projects with him.