separated by a hollow wooden door

Today sucked. I mean, I was less worried than yesterday (this is a relative, I will not be not worried for a long time, I think) because I finally got a hold of Ryan yesterday (oddly this was when I called to tell him I would stop bothering him if that is what he wanted), and today he was on googletalk (which I know he knows I see and I'm not even sure if he talks to anyone else on it), which says to me he's willing to talk, so I did message him, and he responded. I feel that there is some sort of uneasy stability to this situation, now, since he's actually going to work and has heart enough to argue with me (even though the arguement is "why everyone is a jerk because they won't just fucking let me off myself"). I did feel bad, though, because I tried the "It's a Wonderful Life" method and told him everything good he'd done for people, and was very inarticulate over what he'd done for me. What I said was he took the stick out of my ass and I wouldn't get along with the friends I have now if it wasnt' for him. Which is true. But what I should've said is that he's gotten me through a lot of hard times. Like, really hard times. Like three years of college when I had no other friends. And the time after college when I worked at WEEK and when I was unemployed and pretty much hated life. And that in a lot of ways, I think he's had a very strong influence on the type of person I am today. He's become the little devil on my shoulder that tells me to stick up for myself.

Anyways, on the other hand, being less worried (and having work) meant that I couldn't just lay around wallowing in it listening to Nirvana like I did yesterday.

On top of that, this old lady really, really freaked me out. Hard. I mean, I think my heart literally did stop for a moment, I don't know if I've ever had this experience before. It was the most horrible feeling in the world.

This woman comes up with her newspaper and says to me, "It really is sad what happened to Ryan."

I flipped. I didn't even think, 'This lady can't know MY Ryan" or "How would she know this?" I immediately thought, "Oh my god he did it." ......and then she continues telling me about Governor George Ryan and the illegal aliens while I do my best to not run home crying.

And.... I'm not usually a superstitious person, but.... that's been bothering me all day. I keep worrying that, of all things, I haven't been worrying enough.