Singin' well, fare thee well, fare thee well, fare thee well

ANGER ANGER ANGER.

So new new sup quit today. And I mean, left, not just gave notice. So he must've given notice like a week after he got the job. It really pisses me off that they think I'm SO incompetant that they'll waste tons of time and money training people that are way more incompetant than I could ever be, are likely to quit right away, (or both in fucking Bobby's case!) without even considering me It's like the worst case of rejection ever, and it's a nice depressing accompanyment to being 24 and never having had someone of the opposite sex even showing you the slightest bit of interest. You know, I try to be postive about my life, I really do. And there are a lot of good bits, to be sure. I definately have more and better friends than several years ago, which makes me a LOT happier than I was several years ago. I also live on my own now, and in a place that some might not call much, but that I think is really nice (I don't mind that it's small, I have an irrational love for my awesome couch, a nice coffee table, a really kickass computer, a desk with weird stickers from a previous owner that I'm also strangely attached to, a cute little fridge, a nice gas range & stove that doesn't scare me nearly as much as it did in the begining). That is progress, friends.

But the lack of love life, as I mentioned before: depressing. It's not even that I need to have a boyfriend or something. I can be alone, I am a person who is complete without other people. But it's the enormous sense of rejection and constantly wondering what is wrong with me that no one is ever interested.

And again, with work. Being a supervisor? Not fucking rocket science. I understand they don't want a total idiot or anything. But as Bobby illustrated: we actually CAN survive with a total idiot supervisor. And I think I've demonstrated I'm at least better than that! I have been told that it's not necessarily based on how well they think I'm doing MY job, that it's more concerns on dealing with multiple problems at once/dealing with bitchy customers as a supervisor. But still. Come on! How fucking retarded am I that I can't handle that job after a year of being there?

And of course, colitis. I'll have weeks, sometimes months, where I'm fine. I was doing pretty well since about August 15th, and today all of a sudden I had a worse one again. And immediately I cringe and brace myself for possible months of this again. Not that "bracing" does anything. I still feel absolutely horrible and hate everything and shit an extremely painful river every day.

And being poor sucks too. I mean, I'm not "really" poor. I have a lot of money saved up from living with my parents. AND my parents buy me food all the time and still pay for my car insurance, health insurance, etc. I have several friends who, when they visit, feel guilty that they're eating my food. And I think it's silly, because when I visit them, I eat their food without feeling guilty. They do things for me all the time like burning me music or hemming curtains. I'm not even thinking about what stuff costs when I offer it to them. The what, 50 cents I spent on whatever they're eating does not make a difference to me, even if they do it frequently. But I'm the type of person who starts saving for retirement the first job they get. I'm also the type of person who likes to save up the money they're not saving on retirement and for emergencies, and then blow all that extra on something big. And, despite my parents help, I am pretty much saving no money each month. It really, really bothers me.

And on top of that, I never feel like I can buy anything like a book or CD or nice food for myself unless I'm using one of my merch cards from work (store credit they give us). And July, August, September--I've used most of them on my Dad's father's day gift, my dad's birthday, my nephew's birthday, my sister's birthday, my mom's birthday. Aside from like, one book of postcards I bought recently, and about 15 bucks I still have on one card, I've used up all my merch cards since July on other people. And of course I'll probably blow all the other ones I earn between now and Christmas on Christmas gifts for people. So... that's kind of annoying. Sometimes I just want to punch people who buy a $100 or more stack of merchandise at the store. I know part of it is my own fault, I would have a little more breathing room if I did not have cable internet and a cellular phone (as opposed to no internet or dialup internet and a landline phone). So basically I'm just bitchy, I have it about 80,000 times better than someone living in a third world country, but it depresses me to constantly be worrying about money and whether or not I can afford things all the time that I could easily afford back when I was living with my parents.

Anyway I guess this is all a reaction to job hunting, which I hate. Every day I have people telling me to come to the State Farm side. Every day I have people telling me I'd be miserable if I went to State Farm. Every day I wish I could've sucked it up and majored in something useful no matter how much I hated the classes. I wish I hadn't hated Weak so much. I wish I had a comfortable future mapped out. But you know what they all say: If wishes were blow jobs, I'd at least have gotten some blow jobs out of all this angst.