Damn. I feel so old tonight. Not old in the sense of actually old, old in the sense of having used up so much of my life and still not really knowing what I want to do with it. I feel like I've been waiting, all my life, holding my breath, getting ready for what I'm going to do with my life. And I still don't know. I don't want to waste my entire life waiting, I want to do some doing. But I don't know what I want to do.

Which is actually somewhat of a lie.... I know things I'd like to do.

So I guess I mean I don't know anything "I want to do" that intersects in the venn diagram with anything that "it is practical and I would have an actual shot at doing it."

I just know that I don't want to do what I do now, but sadly it's the one lone entry in "things someone would actually pay me to do." I get so frustrated sometimes... I really don't feel like I'm any better or more qualified to do anything than anyone without a degree, but at the same time I feel like why did I waste all that fucking money and time getting a degree when it just isn't getting me anywhere. And I wonder how I got this far in life without any real, marketable skills. I'm not even qualified to be a secretary, or even other things within my company that are far easier than what I already do, because people actually want that job, and no one wants to do what I do. And I'm tired of working with people 9 years younger than me, because it basically points out to me that if I weren't such a piece of useless shit, I'd be 9 years ahead of what I am now.

I just wish I found the thing I like doing, that maybe I don't love to do, but I at least don't hate it, and can remember individual days instead of having it blur into one boring angry blur. I feel like once I have that, I could be like a kid again, and stop constantly worrying about what I'm going to do with my life the way I have since the last couple years of High School. I dunno... the worry's not that bad, thank you anti-depressants, but it's there and I'm tired of it all the time.