these are my friends this is who they have been for always

Long conver which describes the malaise I've been feeling lately, also how bad I feel for the people around me and I wish things were less fucked up



Me: oh and I air petted Herd's head for you
YM: haha
YM: Did you tell him it was from me?
Me: like I told him you said to do it and then was like, "but I hate touching people"
Me: so I did it and was like, "this way I follow out YM's will and stick to my ocd"
Me: he said, 'I dont' mind people do it all the time. I had a shaved head in fourth grade too"
YM: Nice.
YM: That's all he said?
ME: yeah
YM: Nothing like, "I love YM forever and ever."?
YM: Dang it.
Me: haha I listened very carfully
YM: I feel like I stalk him.
YM: He's probably wishing I'd stop calling and bugging him and waving and looking at his pages all the time...
Me: he didn't seem annoyed or stalked or harrased
YM: He's probably freaked out by my admission of feelings and he's trying to avoid me.
YM: And probably wishing I wasn't moving in with him.
Me: is he avoiding you?
YM: I don't know.
Me: he probably isn't then
Me: guys don't think about all this shit half as much as we do
YM: Well, I texted him about meeting my friend K the other day, and he never texted back...I just texted him now asking what he was doing, and no text back...
Me: does he often not text you back?
YM: I don't know...he just never seems to want to do anything.
YM: Eh, it varies between responding and not.
Me: I dunno I guess you should just ask him
YM: Naw...I don't want to see like an overly sensitive and dramatic.
Me: really? I've said that to a dude before
Me: and it seemed to work out alright
YM: Who?
Me: no one you know
Me: his name was ____
Me: but I was basically like, "Are you avoiding me because I said I liked you? If you aren't, and I'm imagining it, that's cool. And if you are, I don't mind either I'd just like to know."
YM: What did he say?
Me: he didn't like me back but he wasn't avoiding me
Me: and we were friends till he moved away like a year later
Me: and then he didn't keep in contact at all, like all my asshole friends who never talk to me after they move
YM: Uh oh. The downstairs neighbors don't talk to you?
Me: okay I revise that
Me: like 80% of my asshole friends
Me: the DN's and Opt and Sista talk to me too
Me: But *rattles off a bunch of names* and oh god I could go on and on...
Me: don't
YM: I feel you there.
Me: but anyway I don't blame the ending of our friendship on that one thing
YM: I hate how I feel like I'm the only person who makes an effort.
Me: me too :/
Me: and I admit it I've been shitty to you lately
Me: like I'm like, "wah wah all my friends moved"
YM: Haha, naw, we are both miserable.
Me: but make no effort to hang out with the one friend I do still have in town
YM: I'm sort of caught up in it now.
Me: but to give you the big picture, for awhile I was like not doing my dishes or showering or anything
Me: like I didn't give a fuck about myself or anyone else
Me: I was wallowing :/
YM: Understandable.
YM: I wallow all the time.
Me: so.... I hope you don't feel like I was just being a dick and too lazy to call
YM: Nope. I wasn't making an effort on my end either for the same reasons.
YM: Well, I did do the showering bit...but I didn't want to.
Me: yeah even if I'm depressed and I have work I'd shower
Me: but since I wasn't really going outside or anything I was like fuck it
Me: I'll smell as bad as I want to
Me: and I had ants all over my kitchen
Me: hm it's probably bad that when I want to sleep I mix alcohol, sleeping pills, and chamomile tea?
YM: Um...probably, yes.
Me: don't worry though
YM: Do you buy alcohol now?
Me: hahah no I'm still working on the schnapps from x mas
YM: Dang.
Me: anyway I used to be addicted to over the counter sleeping pills
Me: and then I kicked it
Me: and now I am again
Me: so I am pretty good at judging how many I should take
Me: also after you become really resistant to them they do like nothing
YM: Yeah...that's how my 800 mg of Ibuprofen is going.
YM: My back still always hurts.
Me: I remember at one point I had the tea, a full dose of nyquil and like three times as much of the sleeping pills as you're supposed to, and I still couldn't sleep
Me: gah that sucks :/
YM: Yeah. I probably just need to get off my fat ass and excercise.
YM: It would help, I imagine.
Me: it cant' be all that though
Me: cause I neeeever exercise and my backs' fine
YM: Well, I do have anxiety and a lot of stress.
YM: Who knows.
Me: I get paid back double in colon pain though so don't be jealous :P
YM: Nebrasky never talks to me anymore.
YM: Random statement.
Me: he's a jerk
YM: Oh, and Thug gave his two weeks yesterday (Friday).
Me: he totally wanted me to send him that borat poster
Me: and then I tried to get his address and he was all "nevermind"
Me: without any other like... anything
Me: what???
YM: Yup.
Me: I thought he was happier now that he was inv.
YM: I suppose not.
YM: Who knows.
Me: he hates Antichrist even more than I do :/ And that's really saying something
Me: does he have another job lined up?
YM: I made a joke about how in the future booksellers have to wear uniforms and he's like, "no I won't." He walked away and Babystealer was like, "He won't...he gave his two weeks."
Me: WHAT
Me: uniforms?
YM: I don't know. She just said he was going back to Champaign.
Me: he misses it :/
YM: Yeah, they are testing uniforms out at like some of the Stores in like airports or something just to see how they go, and they are going good since sellers are more noticable.
Me: fucknuts
Me: I hope I get another job by then
YM: So, sometime in like a year it will be in effect, I think.
YM: All it is is that you have to wear khaki's and a Border's shirt.
Me: still
YM: Haha, welcome to my world!
Me: as shitty as that job is now for me, I really don't need one more thing
Me: man, Dance Whore was telling me about the money I could pull in if I got an MBA today
Me: I'm really fucking tempted
Me: I want a "real" job where I get money and respect
YM: Good luck.
YM: It is worth a shot.
Me: yeah I just don't know if I would have the smarts and or drive to get a masters
Me: I hated college
YM: I'm not feeding myself any support or belief of a future. I'm ready to face a lame job forever.
YM: Well, not ready, but I sort of don't have a choice.
Me: god it sucks, doesn't it?
YM: It does.
Me: I really feel like I should know what the hell I'm doing with my life by now
Me: I'm fucking 25
Me: I thought Afni was the solution
Me: but it was even worse
Me: I've given up on ever having a job I love
YM: Well, maybe you do need to get out of Bloomington/Normal then.
Me: but I really don't want to give up on having a job I don't hate
Me: yeah that's what Dance Whore was saying
YM: I'm not sure where you'd go that would be affordable housing with awesome jobs.
Me: I dunno I'm thinking of maybe applying around some of the places in the town my old neighbors are living in now. One day BDN was telling me about all the great opportunities out there
Me: I just really am afraid to move
Me: I've lived here my entire life
Me: and I depend on my parents financially a LOT
Me: and I don't want to miss my nephew growing up
Me: I don't want to have kids, so I have to bond with him now so that he'll pay for my retirement home when I'm old
YM: haha
YM: Well, explore your options there.
YM: At least take a look.
Me: oh anyway back to Nebrasky
Me: don't take it personally
Me: I like the guy
Me: but he's a dick
YM: He always said he was one.
Me: see even he agrees :P
YM: Eh, I don't think he is, I just think he flounders through life unaware that people care about his well-being. Unless you drink, cuss, and act real cool...he is uninterested.
YM: He was only interested in me so he'd have somebody to fuck while he was here.
Me: isn't that the definition of being a dick?
YM: I guess it depends on your perspective.
Me: well maybe dick's a bad way to describe it
Me: the way I feel about him is that there's something there
Me: he's not a complete jerk I hate
Me: or a total idiot
YM: Nope.
Me: and that just makes it all the sadder
Me: because you like him, and you want him to be good
YM: Like I said, he just is unaware.
Me: but then he just does shit and you know he would do it but you're still disappointed
Me: and you know that to him (at least I felt this way) that you're jsut someone who happens to be around to bullshit with
Me: and you're not a real friend to him and never would be if you knew him for a million years
YM: ...Herd is at Explosion's...I'm sad.
YM: haha I felt like that too.
YM: I knew the whole time that we'd never talk again.
Me: why is that sad?
Me: you know I really feel bad about that too :/ And not just about him... I meet SO many cool people at the Store, and the turnover rate is so high, they all move away and I never see them or talk to them ever agian
YM: Indeed.
YM: The downside of liking coworkers.
Me: I can't help it even now I still fall for it
Me: though I have been a lot more apathetic about making friends
Me: I get tired of doing it over and over again
YM: Herd says he doesn't see a problem with me going over there, but Explosion didn't invite me and the last time I was there, I slept with Nebrasky on his bed...I'm sure he doesn't want me there.
Me: so you're probably the only real friend I've made out of this last batch of people
Me: just because you seemed interested in being friends with me and like you'd do some of the work too
Me: aww
Me: but on the other hand it's Explosion
Me: you could punch him in the face and he'd be like, "it's the good kind of hurt!"
YM: True.
Me: what're they doing over there?
YM: Eh. I'd have to walk over and by the time I do that, people would be gone.
YM: Eh, drinking I guess?
Me: man they're such alcoholics
Me: I worry about Explosion sometimes
YM: He actually hasn't had a party thing in a long time.
Me: yeah but we play wow a lot
Me: and he'll be drinking the whole time
YM: Dang.
Me: basically home alone
Me: but he's so goddamn happy.....
YM: No wonder he's happy so much.
YM: lol
YM: True true.
Me: Like... I don't understand how someone happy can drink as much as I perceive him to
Me: I always wonder if he's really dark and tortured underneath it all
Me: I hope for his sake that he isn't
Me: people that happy make me think there's some miniscule chance I could be someday
YM: I think he may be lonely...I asked him about his love life once at a party and he got kind of quiet, and then changed subjects.
Me: seriously being around him makes me happy by osmosis
Me: aww :/
Me: poor explosion
Me: thats another thing about him
Me: I never feel like I have ever really had an in depth conversation with him
Me: like it's just always "blah blah blah is fantastic!"
Me: instead of "man I had a shitty day"
Me: it's hard to feel close to happy people when you're depressed all the time
YM: Yes.
Me: I've had deeper conversations with Nebrasky, and I told you how I felt about our friendship
YM: Sigh, I guess I'm walking to Explosion's now...though I feel silly and like a big goob...but you know, I'm obsessed with Herd...so he throws me an inch and I take a mile...maybe a 100 miles.
Me: tell Explosion and Herd I say hi
Me: tell Explosion I made him a super sweet employee of the month sign
Me: and that he should've told me it was him sooner
Me: and that if he's really lonely I'll fuck his face
Me: okay maybe not that last one ; )
YM: haha
YM: OK.
YM: Will do.
YM: I won't make it over there for a while.
YM: sigh
Me: whoa how late are you guys going to be up?
YM: I wonder if Herd actually wanted me to come over.
Me: it's already like 2
Me: for searious you should just ask him
Me: it makes things easier
YM: ...nevermind.
YM: I guess I'm not going.
Me: oh?
YM: He just told me he was leaving.
Me: sadness
Me: see the man clique's another thing I don't get
Me: now even though so many of the people are leaving
Me: the man dynamic still remains
Me: Explosion and I play wow all the time but he's never invited me to do anything with him
Me: Herd and I get along really well but he's never asked me to do anything
YM: yeah
YM: I'm going to go weep now.
Me: aww YM :/