fasd

So today at work I started having really bad, painful poops that were hard to get out. If it ever gets that bad, usually I go home. On top of that I had a headache, and my back and butt hurt. But lately, I've racked up a lot of absences. My supervisor, who has been really cool, warned me at one point that I will get in trouble soon if I keep getting them and it will go on my record. And I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, etc. onto infinity want to get promoted. I hate my job so much that sometimes even thinking of working there one more day makes me cry in the bathroom for 15 minutes before I start work. So I stuck it out.

Until 9:55 when I could leave. So I left.

And when I got home I realized it was 8:55.

I stayed there almost that whole time in fucking AGONY to avoid having an absence on my record. I worked so damn hard to avoid the absence....... and then I got one. Then I had to call up my supervisor and tell him, which was even worse. I feel like even my own excuses aren't plausible anymore. "Oh I can't work, I have colitis." "Oh, I can't work I have bronchitis." "Oh I was late to work someone slashed my tires," "Oh, I can't work I'm too depressed." And now... "Oh, I left early because I can't read." I cried on the phone, which I didn't want to do, because it makes me feel like I'm this fake busting out the crying at will whenever I want to make him okay an absence. He said it was alright but seriously.... I feel about one inch tall.

So I lost my security badge to get in and out of work. That's annoying, but what makes me sadder is I lost the Border's lanyard I had it on. I don't know why, but I was emotionally attached to the lanyard, and I can never replace it. Even it I did go to Borders and weirdly asked someone I know for a new one, it wouldn't be the same color as the ones from when I worked there.

In other news, last night I dreamt like 80 dreams (unusual for me) and they were ALL about Josh, Meijer, and Scrubs. In every dream, everyone flickered in and out of being scrubs characters (I'm not going to bother mentiong the switches to and back). Every dream was set in Meijer. One of them was not about Josh, it was about some light beer commercial set in Meijer. The "gimmick" was that the people were talking about buying beer, but they didn't have any in their shopping cart. Then you see the beer, and it's so light that it's on the ceiling. I don't know if a real ad like that exists, or I made it up. I had another dream where I started getting special discounts from Meijer because I had spent over 10,000 in there this year. Then when I got out of the store, I found out Josh was in town and he hadn't even told me. It turns out he had gotten kicked out of his home, and was living with someone up here. I was mad that he hadn't told me or chose me to live with. Also he was lighting a bag of poo and fireworks on fire to prank some friend of his. Then I drove away with my parents, and they taught me a valuable lesson on seatbelt safety. I had another dream where Josh was cheating on me (I guess we were still together in this dream) with his roommate's girlfriend. I caught them making out in Meijer. I had another dream where Josh got me hooked on cocaine, and then we hung out in Meijer. I had another dream where Josh had hidden cameras, taped every moment of us together, edited together the ones where I say something snarky and sarcastic, and gave it to Meijer so they could show it on all the little TV's they have in their checkout lines.

Why am I THIS obsessed with Meijer? I mean I get why it's all Josh, Josh, Josh. Maybe even the Scrubs bits, cause I've watched it a lot lately. But Meijer?

Meh

I hate it when people post lyrics. But... this is so totally the case, other than the bit about being half the world away. Except, of course, for the fact that I might as well be. Oh and the bit about not writing goodbyes is wrong too, because I presently will be helping to proofread her obituary.


Ever since I was young your word is the word that always won.
Worry and wake the ones you love.
A phone call I'd rather not receive.
Please use my body while I sleep.
My lungs are fresh and yours to keep,
Kept clean and they will let you breathe.

Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind.

Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these,
so I sat alone and waited out the night.
The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed.
So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around.
I'm not writing my goodbyes.

I submit no excuse.
If this is what I have to do I owe you every day I wake.
If I could I would shrink myself and sink through your skin to your blood cells
and remove whatever makes you hurt but I am too weak to be your cure.

I'm not letting you check out.
You will beat this starting now and you will always be around.
I'm there to monitor your breathing
I will watch you while you're sleeping.
I will keep you safe and sound.
Does anybody remember back when you were very young.
Did you ever think that you would be this blessed?

Yes, it's an emo song.

And of course I am feeling the Predatory Wasp of the Palisades too right now. Which is not emo, but might as well be.

I can't explain the state that I'm in
The state of my heart, he was my best friend
My friend is gone, he ran away
I can tell you, I love him each day
Though we have sparred, wrestled and raged
I can tell you I love him each day

And of course Fred Jones

There was no party, there were no songs
'Cause today's just a day like the day that he started
No one is left here that knows his first name
Yeah, and life barrels on like a runaway train
Where the passengers change
They don't change anything
You get off; someone else can get on

Yeah, and all of these bastards
Have taken his place
He's forgotten but not yet gone

Other awesome things that've happened lately:

--My grandpa is sick

--lost my MP3 player. Not only that, it had the few songs I was able to save off my old computer. And, of course, I'd not backed them up onto my new computer again.

I've decided to stop fucking blaming people for getting tired of my friendship. So from now on every time I think of calling a friend to lay my troubles onto, I'm going to take sleeping pills instead, and play Tetris until they kick in and I can be unconcious.

Work was sort of alright for once. I comforted this lady whose window had been broken and her house set on fire by vandals. I hate when bad things happen to nice people, but I like it when they get routed to me, because nice people make you WANT to help them, not feel like you HAVE to help them.

Then speaking of which, I had a woman whose house was flooded. That's not that weird, but on top of it she'd just had a baby a day or two ago, she was moving and didn't even know if her policy would cover the damage because she'd forgotten to update her address, and her mom has cancer too. She cried on the phone, the big racking sobs that I cry to people on the phone. And said, "it's just so much all at once," the way I have said "it's just so much all at once." I just wanted to reach through the phone and hug her and tell her I know exactly how she feels. I hate that someone so nice was under so much stress, but I liked being a sympathetic voice on the phone for her. It probably didn't help her that much in the grand scheme of things, but I liked being a help to someone who feels like the way I do.

Lastly, I helped a guy who was a total chode more than I had to, and it made me feel like someone who IS nice and does help even people who don't deserve it.

Which is something I've been worrying about lately. I don't know what it is about stress, but it starts making me worry even more about even the things I don't have to. So yes, I've been worrying extra about serial killers. I wake up in the night, and have to check to see if there's a serial killer in my house before I can go to bed again. I lock & close my windows even though I'm 3 stories up.

But the other weird thing I worry about off and on is armageddon. I think the reason why it creeps me out more than just dying for some other reason is that it means that God exists, and I'm probably going to go to hell. Being tortured FOREVER just seems like an unequal reaction to ANY sin. Like... even if you molest children for 60 years, I can see being tortured for 120 years. But like if you shoplift, do you deserve to be tortured for 120 years, much less forever? Or like if you're Hitler, maybe you get to feel everything every Jew you tortured feels, times 2 or 3. But forever? And me... I haven't done much that was actively bad, but I'm not exactly a good person. I give the minimum money to charity, and no time. I've never really done anything unselfless or good. I slide by in every situation doing the minimum. And I've not accepted Jesus in my life, because even though I really do believe in hell, I have trouble believing the good things. Plus, God seems like a dick. I know you're supposed to have faith and whatever, but stuff like Hitler and child molesters don't deserve to exist, I don't care what it does in your goddamn plan. You're god, you're so smart, you can figure out how to teach someone their lesson without it. And man, couldn't you have warned us about the goddamn serpent? Or made us smart enough to realize he's a dick on our own? And speaking of dicks, old testament god is such a bastard. I may not have given to charity, but I've never smited anyone, killed children to prove a point, or turned someone to a pillar of salt for feeling sorry for bad people. But there's a lot of natural disasters and wars, and it's been like a generation since the Jewish people reclaimed Israel, and my dad insists on talking about those first two things when he's not just yakking away about my sick mom & grandpa and I worry that the world is going to end and I'm going to hell forever.

I just wanted one goddamn day where I could forget that I hate my life.

I'm done

Me: one minute, please, while I look up a service provider in your area.
Person in the background: *asks customer a question*
Customer: They won't cover it or something. I don't know, the girl on the phone talks like a retard.

Today someone parked in my parking spot. Usually I don't think I'd get all that mad, but in my head, no matter who actually did it, it's THOSE people with their goddamn dog that barks all day. So I got pretty angry. I left a note saying "Please don't park in my spot," on the car, but in all caps.

I also had Phew Harder's birthday party to attend, it was alright. I was feeling kind of poopy (colitis) yesterday and today, so I wasn't exactly jumping off the walls. I have the Phew's birthday in a few weeks, and my Dad's and my brother in law's. Then my sister in August, my mom in September. I'm the only weirdo born out in Feb.

sdf

Sometimes I really wish I had friends living on the other side of the world, so that I could call them up and talk at 4 am when I can't read or play games on the computer anymore, and start crying.

I dunno. I feel dumb for posting all these self pitying posts all the time, but I feel like I'll go crazy if I don't. If I'm not already.

AMY SMASH

BTW, re: the hulk:

Ed Norton & Tim Roth are actually kind of lame, but by god, Tim Blake Nelson always delivers. I think they're trying to set him up as the next bad guy. And they're definitely going for an Avengers movie.

Anyway, I was reminded of the hulk because I'm very angry. I do dearly love the phrase "hulk smash," and use it awesome, but tonight I'm wanting to say, "Is the Hulk going to have to choke a bitch?" to my downstairs neighbor. Then when they look confused, shoot them and fuck the brain hole.

Seriously...

My downstairs neighbors might just be the biggest assholes in the world.

They bother me about my music all the time, even when it's not really loud.

Okay, I get it. I don't think it's that loud, but it does seem like sounds get through really easily, and I've lived next to loud people before and it's awful.

I do hate that they always say that it's because of their baby though.

In addition: their baby is the loudest most cryingest baby in the world.

But tonight: they locked a dog in their place for hours while it cries the whole time, driving me absofuckinglutely insane. Which, on top of it is against the condo assoc. rules.

So I got the condo president so he could hear it, but of course they weren't home for him to talk about it. He was sort of annoyed at having to be the police, but fuck it, it's the condo rules, so he IS the police for that.

Anyway I pretended like I don't hate their guts and want to get them in trouble, but I will def. be telling him again if they keep it up and aren't just dogsitting or something.

phoemeister (2:22:36 PM): you should fix everything
Suibrom (2:22:59 PM): I have a gun
phoemeister (2:23:39 PM): haha best answer of all time

And no, I'm not suicidal either. Even if I were the suicide type, which I'm not, how much of a monster would I be to do that to my family right now?

Don't worry on that account.

I appologize for anyone who was saddened or offended by "no one who loves me or even gives a shit in the long run." I meant the "long run" bit the most, I'm not saying no one cares now. Things just seem to unravel after awhile, and I never know how to stop it.

Mrs. Peacock's a man!?!?

I need to fuckin' pull myself together, man. Now I've started crying right before/during work. I thought I was coping but it stopped, apparently. I'm sure it looks suspicious that I am always leaving work early (I mean really early, like after an hour there). The thing is I'm sad all the time and I can't stop crying while I'm actually on the fucking phone with customers. And then when I'm fine with that, the stress has got me shitting buckets. Constantly. And I go home early because of that.

Which hurts my already apparently shitty chances at getting an interview for a promotion. My supervisor said I was competative for the things I'm applying to, but I'm not, cause I haven't been getting an interview. I'm going to be in the same shitty soul killing job forever, or until I kill myself, whichever comes first. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't even matter... like, why do I even try so hard to do a good job? No one notices or gives a shit.

And of course, the main reason I'm upset all the time, as always, is my mom. She gets weaker and weaker. She isn't strong enough to operate the on button for one of her portable fans anymore. Her arms are like twigs. She can't stay awake for 5 minutes in a row, but yet she can't fall asleep enough to actually get any rest or energy from it. It feels more and more real every day.

I know it's all emo and stupid and I sound like a whiney baby, but it just seems like I've lost most of the good things in life, or am in the process of doing so, and I'll never get them back. I'll always be in this same goddamn position. Dead mother, shitty health, shitty career, no permanent friends, no one who loves me or even gives a damn in the long run.

gfsfg

Every time I'm so stupid as to think that I'm dealing with everything in my life, and doing alright, I end up having a night where I cry before I go to bed. Guh. I feel like a whiney adolescent for writing something like that, but I really can't make myself get rid of it.

well

One actual drawing made with the aid of Paintshop pro.

A very, very, poor drawing of a planarian

In case you wonder this is what they actually look like

and this drawing by escher was what I was trying to rip off.

Also even though the website it advertises sucks, this shirt is fucking awesome.

here goes

This is part 1 of the origin of Ben FUCKING Franklin & Booker T Washington as buddy cops. I'd meant to make it all one big comic, or at least get more done than what I did, but you will not believe how long it takes to make things in paint shop pro. Like the really cool looking things, like the lightning, take a millisecond. The really simple thing, like putting a frame around each panel--took lots of learnin' Plus, I drew HUGE.

Also: I meant to make BFF a badass, like, a raging lightning storm just wasn't enough thrills for him, but the second panel is so goofy and not at all what I orig. meant. I just found that photo while looking up Ben Franklin on the google and it made me giggle with how goofy it is.

I really should be testing it out by doing something cool with it, as opposed to fucking around with things that are better lo-fi, but I've been in a comicky mood lately.

new comic

First new comic in awhile, here.

I've had the idea forever. As for the "new look" I'm testing out a trial of corel paint shop, i.e. "photoshop for people who don't want to pay $800." I don't know why I used it on a comic, I really draw so poorly there's no point, but I thought it was kind of cool. Enjoy.

The rest of the collection, as always, is at http://www.geocities.com/tribble80.

And for the hell of it, here are some of what I consider my greatest hits:

Obsessed
Honkey Circus
Goals
Your voice is very nasal
Ryan Vs Satire
You should be nice to me
What if a pyromaniac zombie and a vampire hunter were buddy cops?
What if Benjamin Franklin & Booker T Washington were buddy cops?

Also, Meineke fixed my brakes and told me there was no foul play, which was a reeeeelief.

YES

So today I heard No Diggity on the radio.

Yes, you know what this means:

I BROUGHT IT BACK, BITCHES!

In related news: it feels really good to drive around town with your windows down blaring "No Diggity."

well

It takes a very "special" person to rock that haircut:

phoemeister (10:50:46 PM): by the way I'm single white femaling you
CrashMan2112 (10:50:56 PM): that's kinda scary
phoemeister (10:51:06 PM): well I've started hanging out with your friends
phoemeister (10:51:13 PM): and soon I'm going to get your haircut
phoemeister (10:51:23 PM): and a job in claims. Well, hopefully I'll get a job in claims.
CrashMan2112 (10:51:27 PM): nice
CrashMan2112 (10:51:33 PM): that's weird ya know
phoemeister (10:51:42 PM): haha I'm not doing it on purpose!
phoemeister (10:51:51 PM): I lied about the hair thing at least, I'm not doing that
phoemeister (10:51:56 PM): the others are for real though
CrashMan2112 (10:52:44 PM): yeah, you should totally get the haircut... then you can fill in for me when I'm not there
phoemeister (10:52:51 PM): haha
phoemeister (10:53:00 PM): I can get drunk and do rockband
phoemeister (10:53:30 PM): they still make references to your drunk rockband performance
CrashMan2112 (10:53:40 PM): seriously
CrashMan2112 (10:53:46 PM): like what?
phoemeister (10:54:20 PM): apparently it was funny when you were singing bonjovi drunk
phoemeister (10:54:34 PM): and "I saw a million faces and I ROCKED THEM ALL" is now your tagline
CrashMan2112 (10:54:42 PM): nice
CrashMan2112 (10:54:54 PM): I'll just be proud of that

the call is coming from inside the house

Man, I meant this for serious, not in a funny way, when I first typed up this email, but I have to laugh at how weird and hilarious this email would be out of context (i.e. my previous blog post)

"Oh also: yeah I may or may not have time scheduling issues tomorrow
too because someone's trying to kill me and as a result of that my dad
wants to pick up my car at some point to repair the brake line."

The other thing I did today was call two people, tell them "the call is coming from inside the house," and then hang up on them (Ryan & Andy).

RJ, I called, said "macaroni!", and hung up on, a la Me & You & Everyone We Know.

Andi I called, she wasn't there, I left her a voicemail that said "IGNORE ME!" (a la the Venture Bros.) and hung up.

Stuff has mostly been going better for me lately. Saturday I got my new computer, which I mentioned. It's been sort of annoying reinstalling everything and putting all my settings the way I like them, but otherwise good. I thought I broke it right out of the box for a second, but Ryan saved the day, as he is wont to do.

Saturday was also good because I hung out with the people I've been hanging out with sometimes lately, and it was pretty awesome, and not just because I'm a desperate friend-whore right now. Like... I worry a little bit, and wonder if most of them like me or hang out with me out of pity. It just seems a little awkward, they have their little in-jokes, most of them don't laugh that much at my jokes. I guess the point is kind of moot though, because they obviously like me enough to invite me to things, and I really like hanging out with them.

And not just because they have a ton of freakin' awesome board/card games, and enough people around to make them worth playing (though obviously that helps). I've already been totally lusting after Betrayal at House on the Hill for a few years now, and playing it again a couple times has renewed that feeling with a vengeance. They had several other cool weird games too. Then the having enough people thing also kicked in, in that we played Spades, which was ton of fun. Common game... but uncommon for me because it seems like I can never nag more than one person into playing a game with me at any one time, even back when I did have friends I hung out with more (exception: times when I could get Rebecca, Andy, and Julie together--which is when I developed my often thwarted love for Euchre too).

In bad news my brakes are fucked up. My dad and I thought they were just low on fluid, which was true, because filling it up again seemed to have fixed the problem. But the brake light came on again on the way home again, which means I have at least a leak, if not actually some fucker cutting my brake line.

I know that sounds paranoid, but hear me out: in less than six months since I moved here, my tires have been slashed and my car has been keyed twice. Another creepy bit about the tire thing is that my tire iron just maaagically disapeared at the same time (and it's not like I ever take it out of it's place in the car, and before that had sometimes left my car unlocked because I don't have anything of value in there). I don't know if it's a series of horribly coincidental random acts of violence from the universe, the same punk teenagers over and over, or someone with a real vendetta against me.

The first one seems unlikely, who has 5 different people vandalize their car over 6 months? The second one seems unlikely, who vandalizes a nondescript car that clearly has been around since the birth of grunge? Plus I live in a way nicer neighborhood than before, where my car, parked on the street, was only vandalized once in the year & a half I lived there. Plus, no one else in my building has had their car vandalized.

The third seems unlikely too, but who knows. If it is a person with something against me, it makes me way angrier than the previous things, because cutting someone's brake line makes my car unsafe. I could die because this fucker is angry at me and won't just tell me and get it over with.

Or if you want a snappier version of the brake complaining:

phoemeister (10:39:57 PM): I think someone is trying to kill me
CrashMan2112 (10:40:05 PM): why do you say that?
phoemeister (10:40:15 PM): my brake line is leaking
phoemeister (10:40:21 PM): I think someone cut it
phoemeister (10:40:27 PM): because someone keeps vandalizing my car
CrashMan2112 (10:40:29 PM): that's a bit mean
phoemeister (10:40:37 PM): yeah plus I mean
phoemeister (10:40:45 PM): who goes after a 1994 Camry
phoemeister (10:40:53 PM): I get it if you drive a Bentley or something
CrashMan2112 (10:43:52 PM): does anyone dislike you that you know of
phoemeister (10:44:42 PM): I dunno. If it's anyone it's my downstairs neighbors
phoemeister (10:45:04 PM): but like... asking me to turn my music down a couple times seems like it doesn't equal trying to kill me
CrashMan2112 (10:45:15 PM): to some it would
phoemeister (10:45:24 PM): but it's all happened since I moved here and I don't know anyone else here who has reason to dislike me
phoemeister (10:45:43 PM): well they do seem like fairly angry people, I hear them yelling at each other and their baby pretty often
CrashMan2112 (10:48:58 PM): maybe you should go take the stems out of their tires
phoemeister (10:49:47 PM): haha

Anyway it depresses me, esp. since I've been thinking about some other stuff lately too.

woo woo

NEW COMPUTER

Bad bit: my antivirus is an asshole and I don't feel comfortable internetting it up that much until then.

All and all: good stuff.

fuck the world

Well here's a recrap of my life in the last month:

POOOOOOOOOOOOP.

A more detailed recrap:

--mom dying
--devastating breakup
--denial of admission to U of I
--computer broken
--car keyed
--computer more broken, I lost everything on the terrabyte hard drive
--grandpa's leg hurt
--computer MORE broken, motherboard and other assorted crap hosed
--dad starts discussing funeral arrangements for mom during our mother's day celebration
--I start crying during our mother's day celebration
--mom gets a blood transfusion
--renter's insurance claim filed for computer
--they still don't know what's wrong with my grandpa's leg

I'm sure there's even more shit but I can't remember it at this point. Suffice it to say: every time I get in an elevator I'm sure it's going to trap me, and I'm more worried about serial killers than ever in a sort of Alanis Morissette version of irony about them killing me after me being freaked out about them this long and already having an incredibly bad string of luck.

Good things, however:

--economic stimulus payment
--I hung with Andy and some of his friends that I actually hung out with when Julie was in town last time. They are cool.

But yeah, the computer's still busted, I dunno what's going to happen. I seriously doubt my insurance is going to give me the money it orig. cost back but I thought why not try. So again, I would notify me through other channels if you want a reply any time soon.

yo

Yeah, my computer's TOTALLY busted right now, and I don't know when it's going to be fixed. So if I'm not online, I'm (probably) not dead in a ditch somewhere.

Just wishing I was.

Awesome

So, today my computer only starts in safe mode.

I'll give my words in one lesson

Today was alright, hung out with my folks, my mom's doing a little better. Walked again for the first time since awhile ago (I'm so descriptive). Got Friday off, I have a cache of paid time off I was saving up for school that I no longer need, plus we get more in June. I may or may not have made buddies with Julie's friends I met the other week. Two of them have friended me on livejournal (I have an acct. there that links to this, that I basically use to read my friends lj's), but sometimes people friend me on livejournal and I never see them again, I dunno. If you guys are reading, though, hey! I have a lot of time on my hands! Let's be best friends! I have caaaandy....... Well, I don't, but I could buy some. And give it to you!

Yesterday sucked, the U of I news sort of shattered any fragile semblence of coping with everything else I've fabricated in the last few weeks. Josh left me a sympathetic txt message when he read the blog, and I called him up to cry for a couple hours, which helped a lot.

No other news, I guess. Which, with my luck lately, no news is good news.

Awesome

So I didn't get into U of I.

I want my 70 dollars back. And the time I wasted writing all those essays.

afds

Today blew. I dunno why, it's not like I got particularly horrible people today or anything. I just felt like I was jumping out of my skin the whole time, which is just a symptom of being me sometimes, I guess. I couldn't stop looking at the clock to see if I could go home yet. The other shit thing is that when I had a day like that before, I could sometimes make myself feel better by thinking, "I can call my favorite person in the world when I get home, and it'll be okay," but I can't really now. And then thinking about that just got me depressed again. But the main problem was just being antsy as hell.

Yesterday was awesome, though. Julie was in town for this party with some of her friends and invited me over. And it was a nerd party, not a real party (i.e. games and talking instead of loud music and drinking) which made it totally awesome. Even more awesome is they totally got me. Stuff like this just makes me wonder why the hell I can't make friends most of the time, because I'll occaisionally go to a party or something like this and it just clicks, everyone loves me, I love them, shit is gold. Anyway, this is the first gathering I've gone to since my housewarming party, which wasn't even that great, and it's the first time I've really had fun and enjoyed myself doing something since the break up. So it was a really, really good day. And it was awesome to see Julie again, I miss her.

Another really fun thing about it is the main part of the evening was spent playing rock band, which the guy whose house we were at just got. I sang most of the time, because I'm kind of crappy at video games, but that was fun too, and you sort of had to have a strategy about it. And I was amazed at how many of the songs were actually pretty good, I think it must've been aimed for people my age, cause there was lots of grunge and stuff from the nineties. The older stuff was cool, like Blitzkrieg Bop (strangely, the thing I was most awesome at singing) and the newer stuff was good too, RHCP, Killers. I did try bass on easy, which was fun too, only my freakishly small hands hurt trying to reach the keys. Even creating our people was fun, my chick was a freakishly tiny angry black woman garbed from head to toe in neon pink. All in all: a very good day.

Susan experienced some shortness of breath yesterday and tried her inhalers but they didn't seem to work. So today we went in to see her Oncologist, Dr. Sriratana. We ended up over at Bromenn for Xrays which didn't appear materially different from when she had her scans. Then she had a CT Scan to see if there were any pulmonary embolisms, i.e. clots in her pulmonary system. There weren't but Dr. Sriratana thought one of the tumors in her lungs looked like it was pressing on a blood vessel. The recommended course of action is to go in Monday for a treatment (not sure what it is) consisting of an IV for approximately an hour, to be repeated weekly. She is able to breathe easier when laying down as opposed to being upright (sitting or standing) so he is probably correct in diagnosing a pressure problem. We tried to have the treatment yet today but it was too late. Hopefully, this problem will respond to the IV. It sure isn't fun feeling like you can't get air but her blood oxygenation is around 98 which is pretty good. Will let you know if anything else transpires.

So I guess I'm wrong again.

asdf

So my mom was supposed to start chemo again this week, but she didn't. She started feeling worse again. My dad thinks it's weird, since she was off the other chemo for awhile, he'd think she'd stay the same or get better. Personally, I think she might be faking. I mean, we can all agree she definitely feels like shit. But I don't think she wants to go on another round of chemo, and I don't really want to blame her. After what the first one did to her, when she was basically healthy, I don't think she can handle another round. Then on top of it, will it really help any? It's probably just going to buy her another couple months, if that. And since she has not really bounced back at all from the previous chemo... I think any time bought will be miserable time.

I don't know, she's very brave and strong. I would be crying every day. Hell, I do do that every day and my problems aren't as bad.

On the other hand I don't want her to die. When that time runs out... that's it. I won't have a mom anymore. I don't believe in god or heaven, and I don't know if she does either. That'll be it. She'll just be dead. I will never ever see her again and every time I try to wrap my mind around it all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and never do anything ever again.

Today was sort of meh. I had lady troubles, which always sucks. Then I went over to my parents house to be around my mom, but she slept most of the time anyway. Then, the major reason to go over there, is my dad and I then went to my sister's house to take the Phew to the Gamma Phi circus.

Which... did not work very well. I guess I just assumed he was normal, cause I am not really around little kids too much, but I was wrong. He must have ADD. Or some concentrated super ADD. I swear to god he would not sit down in his seat for one second. And all around us were little kids who stayed seated and attentive the whole time. Plus he didn't like the circus too much, though like I said he wasn't even really paying attention to the acts. Anyway the circus itself was pretty cool, but I began to get annoyed with him after awhile of this. Not to be a douche, cause I do love the kid, but he is totally out of control. He never does anything any adult tells him to, not even his parents. Maybe he is better about it in daycare, cause I can't see them backing down all the time like his parents do, but he can be totally obnoxious sometimes. It was a huge battle just to get him to eat dinner before the circus, and not just drink his pop and eat his candy.

I feel bad thinking things like that about him, because I do love him, and I used to like being around him a lot more. But seriously... if this kid was not related to me, I think I would've wanted to smack him numerous times, which in my opinion, is not really a good thought to inspire in most grownups you encounter when your'e a kid. Who am I to judge though? The precise reason I've never wanted kids is because I know I would do an even worse time raising them.

Dear diary, today I ate an enormous bowl of pudding.

dad

In general, I am bad at cheering people up. I can't tell you how many times I've had people just not like it when I try. Anyway, I'm beginning to think it might be a hereditary trait.

Today my dad came over to help me get my caremark card, which, I've been meaning to do for awhile. But then of course there were 18 different home improvement projects he wanted to help me with. Which, I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth, I probably couldn't do any of this on my own and it is awesome of him to help, but I don't usually feel like doing them even when I'm in a good mood, and I'm certainly not in a good mood now. But we got through that.

Then he just started in on everything again. He and I have sort of been in conflict recently, because I told him that therapist said I should maybe try antidepressants. And I told him I don't know yet, but I have been fairly depressed for awhile. Except for a brief window when I started at Borders, I've pretty much been depressed since high school, and even then I wasn't really peppy mcpepperson. And again I got into how I think most of the choices I've made with my life suck, and I've wasted a lot of time so far doing jobs I hate, and I've acquired no marketable skills. Which, it's sort of an arguement, and it made me feel worse, so I ended up crying again. Which is the second time since all this started when we've gotten into an argument and it's made me feel even worse.

I know he's trying his best and all, it's just hard.

life

So I still don't feel awesome, but I am getting a lot better. I think the second email Josh sent where he said he hadn't secretly hated me the whole time did a lot to make me feel better, and when we finally talked and put an end to this whole thing. I've gone from crying all the time to being mostly normal most of the time, with a few unfortunate moodswings. They're getting less intense and less long, though. I've gotten to the point where I can usually distract myself with a mind-numbing game or talking to a friend. Ryan and Tina have been especially helpful in this respect, for which I thank them.

The stuff with my mom is still sort of there, but now that I'm not so upset about everything, I'm getting better at pushing it all to the back burner for now.

And I do miss Josh, so much. And I think we are going to still be friends. It just isn't the same though, and I miss him. But it's not constantly dominating my every waking moment anymore, which is good.

So as of last night Josh and I are officially broken up. He sent me another email that was nicer than the last one, basically apologetic for what a crappy person he thinks he is. I couldn't tell whether or not he wanted to break up so I called him until he finally talked to me. He said he did want to break up. He wouldn't tell me whether or not he still loves me, which I wish I knew. I told him I felt like he didn't really like me for a long time and our whole relationship was a lie, but he said he did love me for most of it, which made me feel better. We are going to try to be friends, which also makes me feel better. I already lost my boyfriend, I don't want to lose him as my best friend either.

However I still do feel shitty. I feel sort of bad that even though I do feel bad about my mom, I feel worse about my break up. I went to Borders yesterday because I couldn't stand being alone in this house anymore, but then there was no one good there. I realized I didn't belong there anymore, but I haven't found anywhere else I belong either, and that depressed me. I don't know how to belong again, the first time, it was a fluke. Then I just hung around various shops in the area, like Shoe Carnival, Petco, etc. cause I didn't feel like going home again, until I could tell they were getting annoyed with me hanging around not buying anything.

Today I had my first session of therapy, and I'm sort of underwhelmed. Her basic thing about the break up and my mom is to just keep crying and stuff cause I need to get all that out. Her advice about how I hate my job and don't know how to make friends is "you'll find that again someday" even though I explained that I don't even know what job I want, even the stupid stepping stone jobs like going into claims are hard to get into, and I don't know how it was easy to make friends one freaking time in my life, and if I knew how to make friends, I would have more already. She said to not worry so much abour work or no friends while I'm grieving my mom and my relationship. But it's all tied in. I feel defective, and not just because of how things went with Josh.

I have this thing like drunk dial at night when I'm trying to fall asleep, only its when I'm sad and sober. I've usually been crying for hours, and I feel like I'll go crazy if I can't stop it, and the only thing I can do is call someone.

So I called Josh. And I left a message that was basically like, "You owe me some sort of closure. If you are breaking up with me tell me. And do it over the phone, I deserve better than some crappy email breakup."

Then I called my dad, and we talked for hours. I think one reason I feel so bad about this whole thing is that I feel like I'm defective and valueless to everyone. Because I don't have friends, and employers aren't fond of me either. And Josh, being the only person not related to me (i.e. my parents HAVE to love me unless they're completely awful) who didn't think i was defective, going ahead and doing this to me, just pulled the rug out from underneath my feet. I'm not saying he shouldn't break up with me, because the email he sent me sounds like he's not liked me for a real long time. In fact, he should've probably broken up with me ages ago. But anyway, I think what I needed was just someone to talk to about this. I've felt so alone. I signed up for therapy for christ's sake.

Anyway this morning when I woke up, I didn't feel awesome, but at least I'm not crying constantly.

Of course, Josh has still not emailed me back or phoned me. Though to give him the benefit of the doubt, latter is probably because he's either at work right now and/or because he doesn't know I left work early yesterday/am not working today because my supervisor let me have some time off since I was crying on the phone.

Oh anyway, like I said, I don't fault him for breaking up with me, I just fault him for the way he's doing it. Secretly hating me for months, and not telling me. Then letting it all bottle up to the point where he kicked me out on our anniversary, lying about it not being something I did. Then torturing me with silence until I did a sad non-drunk drunk dial. Then sending me an email spelling out his loathing for me, complete with wild accusations. Then torturing me with silence again. Are you breaking up with me or aren't you? Just tell me so I can get on with my life.

If you are reading this, Josh, I meant it about still being friends. But yeah, I am kind of angry at you, and my blog is where I vent. So you probably don't want to read any entries in the next few days or so unless you like bitter recriminations against yourself.

asdf

So last night I was pretty depressed. I thought of calling a suicide hotline. I don't want to kill myself or anything, I just wanted to talk to someone. I cried for hours and hours. I was trying to be strong and not bother Josh while he was trying to be alone and work out whatever his problem was. Anyway I finally txted him "how could you do this to me again? I told you what it was like last time." Cause the last time we fought I cried and cried then too, and I told him what it was like.

Anyway I guess we're probably going to break up now. To be honest, I was already thinking about it. I can't take the crying all the time. I thought maybe since I still love him it might be enough to stay together, but I don't think he loves me anymore. He sent me this big long email that's basically about how everything I do annoys him and he doesn't like hanging out with me more than a day or two at a time because I get old pretty quickly. I don't really get why he started disliking me and the things I do, because I haven't really changed at all, but I guess that's his perogative. He can't be the only one who feels that way, as most of my other friends don't talk to me either.

I think where I work we get access to 5 free sessions of therapy or something, and I'm looking into getting mine. I don't think this crying all the time is probably good, because I've even had it when we were just having a regular argument.

more self pity

I guess it's finally hit me about my mom. At first I was worried that I wasn't sad or worried enough, but now I think about it all the time. Yesterday I visited her and got a bunch of recipes. I was originally planning on doing this when I moved, because now I have the room to actually cook. But of course she's been feeling too sick to do it with me. So now that she has a break from chemo, we've been doing it.

Anyway, what should've orig. been fun turned into this morbid thing where we could both tell that my aim turned from "get the recipes now that I have moved," to "this might be the last chance I have to get these recipes before you die." Some of them don't even have specific amounts, she was going to just cook them with me so I could see what the various consistencies were supposed to be. And every time she mentioned that, I was thinking about how she never would.

She, on the other hand, was amazingly chipper. More chipper even, than I've seen her without cancer, which makes me think it's a show. And also makes me sad that she thinks she has to put on a show for me. You are allowed to be depressed if you have cancer. I'm depressed and I'm not even the one with it.

Then on top of that, of course, I have the guilt from the difficult relationship and the off and on hating of her I've harbored in the past.

mother nature's bitch

I'm feeling somewhat worked over lately, by the world.

I have a shitty, low-paying job that I hate, and the way to move up is to take a slightly better paying shitty job that I would also hate.

My mom is dying. I try to be optimistic about this, but it's hard when the first run of chemo didn't work, and they orig. told us that if the first round of chemo didn't work it would be bad. Not helping is my pessimistic father.

All my friends left town and/or are not speaking to me.

Most recently, my boyfriend kicked me out (well, he asked, which is more polite, but I hate to use "asked me to leave" because it makes it sound like I had a choice) on our six month anniversary. He wouldn't even tell me what I did. When I asked why, he said, "well you did do some things that annoyed me, but mostly I just want to be alone."

All I have to say, is please god, mother nature, whoever: please, please, do not kill any of my other family members or burn my house down.

I'll play you a prostiTUNE on my WHOREmonica.

So today was an interesting day at work for a change. For basically two reasons.

1) Apparently my crappy geocities comic page* has been outed. A dude I somewhat know from training stopped me in the hall today and told me it was awesome. This made me feel good and bad.

Good: It is very flattering to anyone when anyone compliments their crappy geocities comic page.* Especially if they are as shitty at drawing as I am. It also makes me glad that there are other people where I work who share the same weirdo sense of humor I have. Okay, I sorta knew it about this guy already, we'd already had a brief conversation on UCB once, and caught him making a Bloodhound Gang reference too. I've never really been able to connect with him, or anyone I thought cool, because I am socially retarded, and it's hard to make friends with anyone anyway during 20 second snippets of conversation between calls. I asked him how he found it, and he said another dude from my training class told him, another dude I knew was somewhat cool already due to a few brief conversations months ago. So I guess it can only be good news that two people I thought of as friend material in the beginning (substitute UCB & Bloodhound gang with a discussion on TMBG, blowing up the building and another on clowns) think I am funny.

Bad: There are a lot of people that I do NOT want seeing this. I'm basically making fun of customers, talking about drugs, and or being creepy/filthy for most of it, which is probably something that does not look good to management. I tried not to come out and say which company I work for in them, but there are a couple that are indicative. And if it's that easy to randomly find it, I'll have to take it down. I saw the guy who supposedly linked it to the guy I talked to on my way out of work today, and wanted to ask him, but he was with a couple of other people who I don't know at all and hence don't know whether I should bring it up in front of them. Plus I feel weird going up and asking him anything. The first guy and I have stayed somewhat friendly (saying hi in hallways and all that) but the other dude and I never talk.


2) I had a long talk with my supervisor RE: what I should do with my career. He and I have been corresponding via email a little while, and I guess he decided it was best to just have an actual face to face conversation and get it all out. Anyway, I can't decide how I feel about the conversation. I mean, I'm glad we talked. I'm glad he showed an interest, because he seems to be very big on people asking for help before he gives it to them, whereas some of the other supervisors seem to be a little more proactive about helping their people. I don't know if it's necessarily his fault, because I've been shuffled around quite a lot since I started, but when I talk to other people they seem to know a lot more about the opportunities around (not so much promotional opportunities, but the things around the dept. I work in now that look good on a resume) than I do, and have already gotten on committees, and have talked to efficiency leaders and done a million other things that will help them out and I've just sort of gone in every day doing my job not really knowing I was supposed to know about and ask for all these things. Anyway, he's seemed sort of distant to me. So I'm glad I got to know him a little more, and I'll probably feel more comfortable asking him things in the future.

But as for actual career prospects I feel about as on the fence as ever. He seems to be pushing taking a job in claims. Not pushing, per se, he told me to feel free to go for anything else. But he sort of laid it out why it's way easier to get a job in claims than anything else at that pay level (significantly higher than my current one, btw) and how it gives me more experience to put on my resume and look good if I want another job at that pay level. He said I shouldn't be afraid to try it even though a lot of people I know (including him) hate/hated working in that dept. Things turn out alright! I might love it!

My thing is I'm already working with 18 year old kids. Which means I'm like 8 years behind everyone else, basically. I don't really want to waste more time on something I hate before I get a job I can actually like. I'm terrified of spending my entire working life doing shitty jobs that I hate and finally finding one I love like 5 years before I retire, and having it pass in an eyeblink because the older you get the faster time passes. And he was going on about positioning yourself so that when all the baby boomers retire you can shoot up to the top. And I'm afraid that I won't be in that position, and everyone else will just rocket past me and I'll still be doing shit jobs because I don't know how to get the right skills.

He also made me realize how freaking confused I am in general, I don't even know what I want. He asked me what I wanted in a job. What I want is a degree of creativity and to actually like the people I talk to every day, and interact with people I like every day. And he was talking about how librarian is actually more of a solitary job, if you're going into corporate library, and do I want to stay with the company or not? And I don't even know. I'm going to spend two fucking years and a TON of money on a degree I'm not even sure of. I wanted something like Borders but with more respect & above poverty level wages (not to mention no psycho tami), I guess, but that is probably not how it is, I don't even know. Academic librarianship sounds SO fun, but they're downsizing hardcore, corporate library seems to be the way to go with that.

I told him how I loved TV when I was in college, and how bad the reality was. He made me sort of feel like a tool for not sticking it out and getting better at driving, though I don't think he did it intentionally.

He told me about how he kicked around doing a lot of different jobs for awhile before he got where he was, and how it all turned out alright. But again that terrifies me, I don't want to kick around 10 more years hating life and myself and the jobs I'm doing before I can get into anything worthwhile. And he told me about his Dad, and how his dad had passion for his job and how he'd always envied it until he found out what it was about his dad's job that was great and how he could get it for himself in a different way. And he told me this story about his dad when he retired which, basically is the end of Mr. Holland's Opus, if you're curious, which made me depressed that there are people like that in real life who really make a difference in people's lives and that I'll never be one of them.

So it sort of made me depressed, which I don't think he was trying to do. But I guess what I'm supposed to take from it is that sometimes jobs you think won't work for you do, and if they don't that's okay too. And I should try for whatever I want (even though I don't know what it is) but I shouldn't rule out anything I don't want either if it could be a good move for me. Which, I don't know. I'm still about as confused and depressed as before.

----
* There's a chance that it's my crappy photobucket page which has less about my poop than on geocities, but more weird photos.

comiques!

new comic.

This is actually what I thought when I came upon that ingriedient in a bottle of shampoo. And I was like, "Hm, I don't think I want that near my hair."

Another one is the based on a conversation I had with my Roni, obviously.

Terriers

Today I was going around in my "Terriers" T-Shirt I got in like, Jr. High or Grade School. It is possibly the lamest article of clothing I own. It says "Terriers" then has a cartoonish picture of every breed, I can probably only recognize half of them at best (Schnauzer, Scottie, Jack Russell, Spuds MacKenzie, etc). But then I realized it is probably the COOLEST shirt I own, because of the Kids in the Hall Terriers song. For instance: studies show they (terriers) prolong old people's lives. Also, Napoleon had one to prevent misery.

Damn good times

Man, I say if you haven't ever took a 20 minute long crap with a hyper kitten in the bathroom with you who needs to be constantly entertained to stop it from attacking your legs, you have not lived! It wasn't unpleasant, per se, just weird. Anyway, the kitten in question is the Roni's roommate's. She's super cute, but crazy as hell.

Another thing I did in Pewhoria is visit Just For Fun which was this cool game store. I did have to admit to the Roni that that is one area in which Pewhoria beats out the B-Niz, because as far as I know we don't have any decent game shops. Anyway, they don't have very much in the way of normal games. There were a couple themed monopoly's, but that was about it. But they have a million interesting nerdy/dorky games. They have the Magic cards and RP stuff you'd expect, but the bulk of their stuff actually does seem to be random goodness.

They have all the Killer Bunnies, they have Rio Grande games (Bohnanza, Puerto Rico, etc), they have the Looney Labs games (Fluxx, Chrononauts, etc), an an enormous lot of ones I've not heard of. I think I could spend hours in there, if only reading the descriptions of games didn't get boring after awhile.

He also bought and cleaned strawberries for me and showed me Paul Rudd's buttocks.

what's up

Man... I wonder if in the last few weeks I've become borderline agoraphobic or something. Though, I hate to use that word, since I know someone actually agoraphobic, and it's a real problem, whereas I'm probably just lazy. Anyway, I've just noticed I don't really want to go out anywhere anymore if I'm alone. There are errands that I've been putting off months, literally. Even simple ones like going somewhere a block away for just one thing. Even fun things that require going somewhere I put off or don't do at all. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy. Even though it is getting better, it IS cold still, and I've always hated going out in the cold. It just always seems like going out is going to take this monumentous amount of energy that I just don't have when I'm alone.

Oh well, I'm probably full of it.

In other news, I'm pregnant. And now you can say you've seen the april fools joke with the least amount of effort put into it ever.

we've got something hateful on our minds

Hell is...

...staying 40 minutes late at a job you hate to fill out a form, and the reason it takes so long is because after every blank you fill in, you have to go and take a massively painful shit. Thanks, colitis!

Purgatory is probably having my goddamn neighbors. When I started feeling a little better after the shitfest, I went to take a shower, and I felt like listening to music. I didn't have it on loud, but I had it on louder than the whisper they apparently require me to have it at. Anyway, since I was in the shower and didn't want to dry off and get clothes on just to talk to this motherfucker, I just turned the music off. I'm thinking, though, of starting to listen to music at a louder, but reasonable volume sometime when I'm fully clothed and telling this guy off when he comes to complain about it. I'm going to tell him he's a fucking liar, because his kid seems to be napping every time I'm listening to music at anything above 1% volume. In the morning, in the afternoon whenever. But it's never napping late at night when they're talking really fucking loud and I can hear THEM through my floor. Plus babies don't even give a shit about loud music, it's sudden loud noises. If you are the one that hates my music, have the balls to admit it man, stop fucking blaming it on your baby. Either way I hate you.

do be do be do

So I gave my first speech at my speech group at work last night. I actually really, really liked it. I was really nervous, but everyone in the group is so supportive and said I was really funny. Which, I find it hard to be funny in an environment that I can't bring up poo or my love of killing hookers, so it was nice to know that my objective of clean humor was carried out successfully. As for what I could do better, I guess I sort of fidget while I'm up there. And one person said to speak up, which I don't get, cause that's always been the least of my problems.

Anyway, I think I'm definitely going to stay. I haven't made best friends with anyone, but I feel like I know people better now that I've been in it awhile, and even when I'm not speaking, other people's speeches are generally pretty interesting. And lets face it, I would probabably do anything to get off the phones at work anyway.

Also I pooped a lot yesterday. That was not fun.

blerg

I didn't blog last week because I had bronchitis and felt like I was dying. I still sort of feel crappy, but meh.

Anyway, I feel like blogging today because I'm depressed. So if you don't like whining, don't read. Though if you hated whining, you probably would've given up on this blog a long time ago.

Anyway:

My mom got done with chemo not too long ago. She's going to have a scan on Thurs to see if it got rid of the cancer. Which is good news if it did work. But if it didn't, apparently it won't respond to chemo again. So if she still has cancer, there's nothing they can do.

I still hate my job. I haven't heard from U of I yet whether or not I got in. I'm still conflicted over if I even want to go. Sometimes I wonder if I'll waste a bunch of time and money on it like with my BA and then have nothing to show for it. I also wonder whether they'll accept me. I'm well within the minimum standards.... but I was well within the minimum standards when I applied there for my undergrad degree and never got in. I hate the position I'm in... I don't even care anymore whether I get a job I truely love, I just want one I won't totally dread every day, and I don't even know if that's really possible.

I've been thinking of selling some stuff on ebay, and it terrifies me. Not the ebay bit... just having to get rid of things, I'm a terrible packrat. I was talking with Andi about it not too long ago. She's selling nearly everything she owns, which I could never do. I used to think I was materialistic, but I don't think it's that. I just get so attached to things, I hate to see them go. But anyway, I have a bunch of stuff at my parents house that I have to get rid of sooner or later, and none of it is going to fit over here. Ebay sucks, though. I have no idea what anything is worth, and there's no real way to find out for most things. As for pez dispensers, which are better documented, everything seems a lot cheaper on ebay than in those pricing books. I don't even care that much about making a profit on them, I just can't see anyone wanting to buy anything if shipping costs more than the actual item. Also, I seem to be the only one whose stuff isn't like, mint in package. I really don't understand how so many people have toys from 20 years ago that were never played with or even opened. I don't know... just thinking of getting rid of anything makes me sad. I'm a freak.

Speaking of Andi, one reason she is selling all that stuff is because she is moving to Oregon. Which, by my calculations, leaves me with only 2 friends in this town, neither of whom have time to see me. Most of my out of town friends seem busy with stuff lately too. I don't know if I'm a shitty friend, or if that's just the nature of people these days, but I never seem to hold onto any for very long. I wish I knew a way other than work to make friends, since work isn't doing so well for that right now.

I don't know... maybe I'm just easily depressed, but I've been feeling sort of that way in general for awhile. One weird thing is I've been missing my old apartment. I don't know why, the new one's way nicer. And I've been missing Borders, which is stupid because when I did work there all I could think of was getting out. I also miss my attention span, I'm having trouble enjoying books anymore.

well

Another disconcerting thing that's happened recently is... well, I guess this requires a bit of backstory.

One of my nervous habits is, I pick at the skin around my fingers. Sometimes I even dig enough that it will bleed. I've done it as long as I can remember. It's sort of gross (at Borders I'd have to have someone bring me a bandaid at register so I wouldn't bleed all over people's merchandise I was ringing up).

Anyway just last Friday my sister noticed. I thought she knew about it already, having known me all my life. But I guess not. She asked if it was "dry skin," or something and I was just like, "yep." I don't know why I should be offended that she's never noticed, obviously I don't really want to discuss it with people that much. It just seems odd. Her 3 year old son has already noticed on several occaisions. I actually tell the 'phew that I accidently cut myself, but he still makes a federal case out of it ("owie! you have an owie!") and will kiss it better for me. Oh well. I miss that kid, by the way. My sister seems to only bother to hang out with my parents, and I would just sort of piggyback onto that. Now that Mom's sick... obviously less visits. I need get my butt in gear and schedule some time to hang out with them soon before he forgets who I am.

FYI

Just to let everyone know: you should not listen to Blink 182 when you are depressed. It doesn't cheer you up at all . You mostly start thinking about what a retard you are to even like this music to begin with. Which makes you sadder.

poop

Gah, I hate life. I don't really remember what all I've meant to blog about lately, but Blogger's not been letting me on.

Anyway today was shitty but one nice thing that happened is Julie called me, and we talked forever about a wide variety of topics such as fucked up family life, batman, Jem, Dschinghis Khan, our loathing for Harry Potter (well, she just dislikes it, I personally loathe it). She might have a part time job soon, which would mean money to come to town and see people, which would be sweet. I also found out that the reason Andy has not responded to any of my many proddings about game night is that he currently has pneumonia, which sounds poopy, and I hope he gets better.

One thing I remembered, I guess, is just that work makes me even more annoyed lately. One thing our supervisor pushes is going out there and getting on committees to develop yourself. Well, it's not like all these fucking committees are beating down my door to have me on them. You have to be reccommended by a supervisor, and mine never does. In fact, he doesn't even really tell you when there's an opportunity around, it looks like. Because one thing they've been lately is training new reps, and you can sit there and help them. I see people who started when I started doing it, and I didn't even know they were going to train anyone soon. And I have let him know that I'm interested in committees and things like that. Not only do they make you look good, but they're like a million times better than taking fucking calls. I just feel shuffled around in general, we're supposed to have efficiency leaders help us get better at our job, and I only even finally got one like 3 months ago, and have never talked to her again (I found out from someone else recently that you're supposed to meet with one every couple of weeks). We're also supposed to listen to calls with coordinators, to learn about what we are and aren't doing right, and again, I've only done that like once since training and I just found out you're supposed to do it a lot more. You're supposed to have a team meeting every month, and my team does like half that. I will tell this all to my supervisor the next time I see him, but who knows when that will be?

I just sort of feel fucked up and angry at life right now, it reminds me of like, August, when I was having lunch with my parents fucking crying in McDonalds because I don't know what I'm doing with my life. And I guess not that much has changed since August.

just skip to the end

Today I got my 15 min break at 8:30-8:45. I work 4-10, people! What is the effin point by then? But on the other hand I got my bonus! Which is good, cause I sorta spent it already. It was actually less than I thought it would be, goddamn you federal government! But it is still awesome, as unexpected money always is.

I spent the earlier part of my day with my Roni. I have a sneaking suspicion that he is cheating on me with Paul Rudd or a monkey, but other than that, everything is great. Yesterday, we played card games all day. Killer Bunnies (dunno if I've mentioned it before, but I got it on my birthday and it is super-fly), Phase 10 (sort of like Gin Rummy, but not really), in a pickle (I don't feel like describing it), and then randomly deciding to draw for each other the objects on the in a pickle cards. It was a lot of fun.

Then the evening before that we had dinner somewhere classy (Michael's) because I had a buy one get one free coupon (sweet!). I had an entree made out of butter. Delicious butter.

Earlier on weds, I saw a movie with my dad that was less poopy than I had thought but in the end still had Anakin from Star Wars. It was the first time I saw a movie over at that new galaxy theater, and it is pretty sweet. The number one thing I like is they show matinees on weekdays. I don't know how they turn a profit on it, my dad and I were the only ones in the theater, but it is convenient for me, since that is usually when I have time on my hands. Then the screens are ginormous, and the seats are super-comfortable.

And just now I pooped half my body weight.

doin things is what I like to do

So I made another bloody poo yesterday, so I guess the up the butt pills did not have a lasting effect. I am putting off calling the doctor about it, because I don't want to go to the doctor, and moreover I don't want to pay the doctor. I didn't realize how lucky I was back when my parents paid my medical expenses. Health insurance sucks, you never really meet your deductible unless something really awful happens to you. But if you've had a wart on your foot you've needed to talk to someone about for six months, gynecological issues, chronic digestive problems.... you're on your own.

Plus, like I said, they don't seem to mind to leave you in their waiting room for hours at a time so that you can see the doctor for like, 15 minutes.

In other news, I'm part of this lame public speaking group at work, and I have to give a speech about myself. I can't think of anything about me that is both interesting and appropriate. There is nothing really inspiring or unique about me. The only thing I can really do is funny, and it's usually not clean funny. I'm half tempted to dress up as a cowboy and lip synch to Bill Cosby stand-up (this is a reference to Eugene Mirman stand-up that I can't find on youtube to share with you, and hence is probably only funny to me and the Roni). I think I'd like the Toastmaster to tell me that I get an A plus but that I have to see a doctor.

yo

Today I spent my day off pooping (a lot), writing essays for U of I (everything's submitted! Those bitches took $50 from me :/), and watching Hitchcock movies.

Oh and also I listed to Electric Six while writing my essays, which is probably a bad idea. It was hard to resist the urge to mention my screenplay and the crazy things I did one night in Spain.

for the win

Not that anyone cares, but...

bed

more bed

futon

Best picture I've ever taken, the 2 things that make it awesome (Cheez Its/monkey) are totally unintentional, sadly

sidways dresser!

Well now....

Today is the first time I had someone angrily yell at me, "HAVE A NICE NIGHT." I don't even think it was sarcastic, even though I don't think he strictly meant it, either. Some dude was pissed about his bill.... and I mean, really pissed. Rarely do I have someone literally screaming into the phone. The refreshing bit, though, was that he was not directing said anger towards me, just towards his agent. So I had to endure his screaming (esp. not fun because I had a headache due to all the construction we've been having around the office) but no abuse. And like I said, he even said things like, "I know it's not your fault," and then told me to have a nice night at the end of the phone call, albeit at the top of his lungs.

Anyways work is still poop. I get depressed even when it's an alright night anymore.

In other news about today, I renewed my driver's license. I KNOW everyone complains about how bad their picture is but man... you would think I was TRYING to make weird faces if you saw these things. I can't decide which is worse. I mean, objectively, my previous one is probably worse. But it is so awful it is funny, I have this grimace of pain on my face, basically, and I've won many a "no, no, I have the worst driver's license picture," game. This one I was just blinking and look drunk. Plus... the guy took it a second time, because I blinked all the way the first time. Anyway, I find it more amusing than anything.

Last weekend was fake birthday, it was pretty good. My parents & sister got me everything on my list (Rogue Wave, Saves the Day, My Fellow Americans, the Ocean's 11 movies, Killer Bunnies & the Quest for the Magic Carrot), plus a noodles gift card and some cash. So there was no embarassing repeat of the Zoodoption incident, thank god. I'm enjoying that stuff quite a bit, and Rogue Wave quotes a bit from Star Wars which you wouldn't think they would do because they seem cool but they AREN'T. So that makes me like them even more. We went out to dinner, (sans my mother, unfortunately) and in general had a good time.

The rest of the time I spent with the Roni. He is still a sweetie and I am glad that I have him. We attempted to watch Eagle Vs Shark, which we couldn't get through because it was stupid. We listened to Michael Ian Black singing about the Nazi party in the voice of the guy from the B-52's, and it was hilarious. We came up with a new wrasslin' move, Anal Claw. We played many a game of Killer Bunnies, Fluxx, and Zombie Fluxx. He made me awesome dinner! We went to Emack & Bolio's and the record shop. He gave me Electric Six, tea, sheets, Fluxx, & Zombie Fluxx. We are best buds!

New Indiana Jones!

(1:21:37 PM) me: man I had friends waiting years for the transformers
(1:21:43 PM) me: I think that's sort of how I feel about indiana jones
(1:21:52 PM) me: esp. since they HAVE been talking aobut it forever
(1:22:31 PM) me: man I miss Harrison Ford
(1:22:35 PM) me: he should be in more stuff
(1:22:41 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: he should just never age
(1:22:48 PM) me: exactly
(1:23:11 PM) me: he should always be defeating bad guys with a clever one liner
(1:24:59 PM) me: Sean Connery sort of did that
(1:25:06 PM) me: hit a certain age and then never got older
(1:25:26 PM) me: he looks the same in last crusade as he does in the rock as he does in league of extraordinary gentlemen
(1:25:40 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha yeah
(1:25:48 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: I think it's secret james bond technology
(1:25:52 PM) me: haha
(1:26:09 PM) me: man one of my favorite bits back when they were talking about making the new indiana jones like 5 years ago
(1:26:47 PM) me: was Harrision Ford was on Conan and he was all sarcastic, "we're going to make it so some time passes.... because obviously, Sean Connery looks so much older."
(1:27:33 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(1:27:49 PM) me: I don't even think Connery's actually in this one, on top of that
(1:28:27 PM) me: man that Shia Lebeouf is in everything
(1:28:46 PM) me: he is capitalizing on nostalgia for things he is too young to be nostalgic about
(1:29:21 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha yeah he's so freakin' annoying too
(1:29:34 PM) me: eh I don't really care about him either way
(1:32:20 PM) me: I like that his last name means "the beef" in french, as far as I can tell

hmm...

Oh, what have I done this week that I can entertain the masses with? That is, of course, other than piss and moan.

I don't know, I've been in a cranky mood lately, I can't put my finger on it. Nothing's worse than usual or anything. In fact, it is actually better, I've gotten some new music, which generally perks me up.

Which, btw:

--new Nada Surf, Lucky. Very good!
--Chris Walla, Field Manual. I'm not a huge Death Cab For Cutie Fan (the dude is from that band), I enjoy them, but not enough to be like, "Oh solo work from the guitarist!)," but I happened to hear the one song from it and really liked it, and I was on a music buying binge at Borders. So far, pretty good album.
--Sufjan Stevens, A Sun Came. Dude's debut album, I never had gotten it before, I sort of confused it with Enjoy Your Rabbit, a very experimental instrumental album of his that I do not want. Also it seems the older his stuff is the less good it is. But I had listened to some clips and it seemed listenable. Plus it's got like 20+ tracks, so even if half of it sucks I'm still good.
--You know what I said earlier about Death Cab for Cutie? Yeah, I got their latest album (a year or two old now). I've been on the fence about it for awhile, and got this random video collection that goes with that album a long time ago, becuase I thought it had the videos AND the album, but it was just videos, and not very good ones at that. I thought I could steal the album from someone by and by, because I know several DCFC listeners, but it never seemed to work out so I sucked it up and bought it.

So actually I got the Nada Surf at this little music shop in downtown Normal. The Roni and I actually went downtown to look at games at this one store that turned out not to have games. So that we didn't feel like the outing was a total waste, we stopped in the music store and it actually was pretty cool and we both found stuff we liked. Anyway I saw the new Nada Surf and had to have it right then and there. I saw the Sufjan, and decided to wait on it. Then later Borders put out a coupon, 1-3 CD's, 40% anything in the store. YAY BORING STORY.

Anyway, Borders was alright. I went there for just the Sufjan and bought the other two because I have no self restraint. I also picked up a book for my mom. So all in all: the 40% off CD's much more costly than it would've been to just pick up the Sufjan earlier. It also seems like I never go into Borders when many good people are working, Geoff was the only one worth talking to there. Pam was there too, but didn't really recognize me. I actually had ducked in the kids section in order to hide from Tami, so it really startled the crap out of me to have Pam walk up right then and ask if she could help me find anything. Geoff was the bees knees, though, as always. We got into a discussion about the lame Grammy's stuff Borders pushes every year (this year: Grammy themed notecards, photo albums, and memory book), and we discussed my creepily encyclopedic knowledge of Sufjan Stevens.

Anyway, despite the above, as I said, I'm kind of cranky, and putting off stuff (U of I essays, DMV, cleaning) even more than I usually would. I'm wondering if it's the weather? Don't get me wrong, I can be like this in nice weather too, but I usually have more of a reason. And obviously, the general "I hate my job," thing. Maybe I'm just an emo freak. Whatever.

Gah

I suuuuuck. I really probably shouldn't be attempting to go back to school, I'm such a fucking procrastinator. I've had time, more than enough time, to do the essays required, and I still haven't. In addition, I need to get to the DMV before my birthday, clean my place (badly), go to the eye dr, talk to my poo dr, go to a dermatologist, maybe see a regular dr about my ADD (I think it's gotten worse or something the last few years, I'm having difficulties paying attention at work, reading books, sitting through movies, listening to music...). Granted, most of those have mitigating circumstances (my job IS boring, a film studies minor a few years back burned out my attention for serious movies, my prev. job gave me music & book issues), but I'm beginning to wonder if it's something more.

What have I done today? Okay, I did file my taxes, so that's something productive. And I did do a liiitle cleaning. But mostly I've been hanging around playing with my ghetto photoshop and, yesterday, looking at card games online. Why can't I behave like an adult?

woo

Today was as awesome as yesterday was shitty! In chronological order:

Reasons:

1) I got a call from the interview lady, we're set up for tomorrow
2) I got to speak to Ryan today, which I haven't gotten to do in a long time
3) I got a raise at work today
4) I got to speak to someone from Dick Valentine's office today
5) I got a bonus at work today
6) I found out that I get extra money for working last friday because it was a snow day
7) A bathroom-break related issue that had been bothering me awhile was cleared up at work today
8) My transcript finally got here
9) I have only 2 hrs. work tomorrow, and then I'm gonna see my fella!

ugh

I am so, so fucking tired of my fucking job. No, nothing particularly horrible happened on my shift, I'm just so fucking tired of it. I need a fucking vacation. But I don't want to use any of my vacation time, because I'm going to have to use a big fucking chunk of it for this ten fucking day fucking thing I have to fucking do at U of I if I get into their fucking school. Which, I probably won't, because they fucking rejected me as an undergrad, and I fucking won't make the deadline because I have to write a fucking essay based on a fucking interview with a fucking librarian that I haven't fucking been able to set up yet, and I also need to get a fucking transcript from fucking ISU which they've not fucking sent me yet, so I can answer the way too fucking detailed questions about my fucking GPA in college, my fucking GPA in my major, my fucking GPA in the last two years I went to fucking ISU, and my fucking GPA for fucking fucking a fucking wallaby in the fucking ass.

I want my goddamn furniture to come already, too. I don't want to be bleeding out my goddamn ass or for my mom to have goddamn cancer in her goddamn lungs. I want our goddamn country to not be going down the goddamn toilet with my bloody poo. I want to not be gaining so much goddamn weight at such a goddamn alarming pace.

I want not to be a whiney bitch either, but not that badly, obviously.

good times

So today I had some dude's hand up my butt. I guess that doesn't happen every day.

OR DOES IT? I have a poor memory.

Anyway I guess it wasn't some dude, it was an accredited medical professional who's stuck scopes and other things up there before. So why not?

He was checking for hemerhoids, and didn't find any, so I guess that's good. The bad bit is that my actual colon is probably bleeding then, and that's not good.

Solution: sticking more things up my butt (suppositories). At least I get to do that bit by myself in the privacy of my own home rather than have a repeat of today's fun.

I have to say, though: STILL better than a vaginal exam. Of course, this was just some fingers whereas with your vag they get some fucking metal thing and jack it open as wide as possible.

So now you know about that.

in other news

Every time I drive by Walgreens on the way home from work, I loudly say "pharmacy" to myself in a Boston accent due to their neon "pharmacy" sign that is missing an R.

burn baby burn

So, today at work a guy was hocking his daughter's girl scout cookies and I gave in and ordered a box... or 2 or 3... or 6. It was kind of weird, I just bought girl scout cookies at work from a guy hocking them for his daughter, at the same company that my dad used to hock my cookies at where he worked when I was a girl scout. So... I blame nostalgia for ordering $21 and god knows how many calories worth of cookies today. At least that's what I'm going to say it is. And 1/3 of those are for my dad, anyway. He is a fan of Do-si-do's.

In other news: there is way too much BS involved in applying to study at U of I. 3 letters of reference. 1 essay on why I want to be a librarian. 1 essay on an interview I have to conduct with a librarian. A transcript from ISU. A longass application. A $50 application fee.

Jesus, dudes.... if I suck, I'll fail out and you won't have to worry about me making you look bad. You will get my money anyway! I mean I sort of get the logic of the application fee (i.e. might as well gouge the applicant as much as possible) and the transcript & most of the application (they can't accept EVERYONE, obviously). But after this much work + the extortionist fee, I'm seriously going to have to burn the entire campus down if I don't get accepted.

Fake birthday everybody!

I meant to blog about this before, cause it's good times, but a couple days ago we had the Roni's fake birthday. See, we had fake Christmas a week before Christmas, on purpose, because we knew we wouldn't be able to hang out with each other. We had fake birthday, last week, a week before his real birthday (today) for about the same reason: i.e. his stupid job wouldn't let him have time off on his actual birthday week. But, fake birthday was a success! I was sad when it was over and it wasn't even my fake birthday.

Anyway, the main bit is I got him this card game called Bohnanza, and the goal is to make as much money as you can. The method you do this is by growing beans. It sounds pretty lame, and it might even BE pretty lame if you're someone who doesn't like weird card games, but we had a lot of fun. The Roni really, really loved it, and I don't think he was faking it because we played it over and over at his urging. I quite enjoy it too. The other thing I got him, which I had actually given him some time ago, was one of those white noise machines for sleeping. He had seen the one I have (I got it for like $5, years ago) and took quite a shine to it. He said he is really happy with both.

Also I made him birthday brownie (from a mix, I've learned my lesson on ones from scratch). I wanted to make him cake, but I don't like cake and he wanted me to have some too. We also randomly bought frosting that we didn't use. Then we got a buttload of food from Outback Steakhouse on a giftcard he got. It was the first time I've had Outback, and it was pretty good.

Then we played more bean game!

The end.

guh

So I think I'm actually going to Ikea. I think Walmart actually might have a cheaper, definitely more easier to obtain, selection, but walmart IS sort of evil, I DO sort of want to visit Ikea, and I would also get to see the futon in person before deciding on it. I'm not sure.

In other news: my tire business (I can't remember if I went into it before) is still not resolved. From the beginning: I went to Peoria to see the Roni on Weds, and when I got there my tire was sort of flat so we got air at a gas station. Then when I went home on Fri, I got to Bizzle Nizzle alright, but my tire was flat when I went to go to work. I called AAA, they took care of it, I now have the spare on there.

So Saturday, my dad and I take the flat tire to walmart where he got the tires. They actually said they could not fix it, only help pay for the cost of a new one, because there were a couple of punctures on the side. He said they were small, hence the air escaping so slow, but hard to get on accident, since they are on the sides of the tire. His opinion is that some fucker slashed my tires, which makes me not happy.

This is esp. since my car had to have been at home or work when this happened, cause I had been feeling pretty crappy and not going anywhere the couple of days before that. And I find it hard to believe it happened at work, I park in this garage with people coming and going constantly and security cameras all over the place. So someone at my place slashed my tires. Which means they could do it again. Which, makes me pissed since I live in a nice neighborhood now.

Then on top of that, my dad came in today to help me put the new tire on, and my tire iron was missing. I have never done anything with it. So.... it was frustrating trying to find it. Also, it makes me a little more worried and suspicious, because occaisionally I'll leave my car unlocked down there (i really don't leave anything in my car that's worth stealing and it is a good neighborhood) and it makes me think that maybe the same person who slashed my tires also stole my tire iron. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but it sucks just the same. Now I have to go to my parent's side of town tomorrow and look at a new tire iron with my dad. Hopefully this whole thing will finally be resolved after that.

So I'm thinking of....

Beddinge!

or...

Lovas!

My dad seemed to think a futon was the way to go re: the fold-out couch debate.

The only problem with these lovely Ikea products: getting to them.

It looks like shipping is a bitch, though, like over 100 bucks. On top of that, it looks like some options, you can only get in the store. So if you're going to pay that much, you might as well actually get the fun of actually visiting Ikea.

Problem with that:

--I don't wanna drive there. But there's no way you can take that stuff on a train or bus.

--I thought of begging Opt to take me. But even if she did succumb to the allure of Ikea, there's no way you can fit that stuff in her little civic.

--I thought of just sucking it up and going up there myself. I am a little more confident since I drove home from O'Hare after dropping Ryan off last year. Which... I may still do, I don't know. But I'm not even sure you can fit a futon frame, mattress, etc. in my car, though there's more room.

--I thought of begging my sister to let me borrow her van. Which, the problems with that just stack up, and include 1) my sister probably needs her van, it's the only thing they have to transport their kids very well 2) my sister probably wouldn't lend it to me even if she didn't need it and 3) rightfully so, I don't even really want to drive my car up there, much less my sister's BRAND NEW (less than 2 months old) minivan.

I dunno. Anyone non-molestor with a van reading this up for a visit to Ikea? Wait, what am I saying? Everyone who owns a van is a molestor. Yes, I just included my sister. I'm not sure what she molests, but I bet she does. She owns a van! Maybe it is zoo animals, and the Christmas gift was her way of atoning. Speaking of which, Sista just read my blog for the first time in awhile and had this comment:

(1:51:57 PM) Sista: your sister got you bears?
(1:52:01 PM) Sista: a year of bears?
(1:52:22 PM) me: yeah

RYAN!

(10:03:58 AM) me: what up?
(10:04:08 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the price of gas
(10:04:23 AM) me: I make it for free
(10:04:25 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(10:04:31 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: will it power my automobile?
(10:04:39 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: or just turn me on like last time?
(10:04:53 AM) me: hahah the turn on is for freeeee
(10:04:58 AM) me: don't diss it
(10:05:21 AM) me: man if I had a car that ran on my poop
(10:05:31 AM) me: it would suck less that I poop constantly
(10:05:35 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha that would be awesome
(10:05:42 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: you could even rig it up so the driver's seat was a toilet
(10:05:46 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: you could just poo on the go
(10:05:48 AM) me: hahaha
(10:06:04 AM) me: that's much better than what I thought of
(10:06:24 AM) me: which involved several lengths of tubing and the violation of several public indecency laws
(10:06:52 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(10:06:58 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: sounds like my saturday night
(10:07:00 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: BOOM

(10:08:05 AM) me: remind me to never, ever, ever take laxatives ever again
(10:08:09 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: hahah
(10:08:11 AM) me: I am basically a poo faucet
(10:08:14 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: man I could have told you that
(10:08:14 AM) me: that won't shut off
(10:08:21 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: you should stand on your head
(10:08:23 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: and be a poo fountain
(10:08:28 AM) me: hahaha
(10:08:38 AM) me: will small children play in me?
(10:08:59 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha yes
(10:09:05 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: and splash in your poo puddles
(10:09:15 AM) me: no way then, I hate those little bastards
(10:09:21 AM) me: they can find their own poo fountain
(10:09:27 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: I like to call them "poo-dles"

(10:23:08 AM) me: I feel like poooop
(10:23:09 AM) me: fix it
(10:23:44 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(10:23:51 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: is your butt controlled by computers?
(10:23:59 AM) me: I don't know
(10:24:02 AM) me: how do you tell?
(10:24:10 AM) me: is there a USB port in there or something?
(10:24:13 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: does it make beeping noises
(10:24:15 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(10:24:21 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: a usb port would also be a good sign
(10:24:44 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: have you ever controlled it with a mouse?
(10:24:50 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: and I don't mean the animal like Richard Gere
(10:25:00 AM) me: haha what about Richard Gere?
(10:25:11 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: there was some rumor years ago he liked to put gerbils in his ass
(10:25:16 AM) me: hahah
(10:25:21 AM) me: he probably does
(10:25:26 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: I'd believe it

(10:58:33 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: I don't want to work
(10:58:35 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: but I should
(10:58:57 AM) me: same with me
(10:59:05 AM) me: I don't want to go and wash all this poo off my body
(10:59:07 AM) me: but I should
(10:59:56 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(11:00:13 AM) me: stupid dress code at work
(11:00:22 AM) me: poo isn't a clothing style it's a way of life
(11:01:06 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: you should make a poo suit
(11:01:28 AM) me: maybe. My woman suit is working pretty well for me.
(11:02:19 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: Mine too!

I buy the drugs

(11:17:00 AM) me: gah, why does my colon have to be fucked up?
(11:17:03 AM) me: fix it, Opt
(11:17:19 AM) Optimus Prime: ok
(11:17:27 AM) Optimus Prime: *punches you in the solar plexus*
(11:17:29 AM) Optimus Prime: all better

Opt: http://stereogum.com/mp3/Electric%20Six%20-%20Dance%20Pattern.mp3

did you see this?
Me: Well I didn't see that page, but I've heard the song before, I like it a lot :D
Opt: oh, well, on the link it said "new Electric Six" but I wasn't sure how old it was so I thought I'd pass it along.
Me: Thanks :) I want to say sometime around October? Roni & I were both pretty into that song when we first started dating.
Opt: awwwwwww...your song is by Electric Six. That's so.... you.
me: haha our song isn't that song, btw
Opt: yeah, but is "unforgettable" really the first song you two danced to?
me: I can't remember what the first song we danced to is

(10:22:09 AM) me: how come Ryan's never on the internets anymore?
(10:22:30 AM) Mike: he has a bird
(10:22:33 AM) Mike: and a bike
(10:23:06 AM) me: We're better than all those
(10:23:36 AM) me: I kill small mammals every day, that's about all a raptor does
(10:23:52 AM) me: and you make awesome vroom noises, that's all a bike does

(10:25:30 AM) me: If I blow that much money on something it better have cupholders and do my laundry for me
(10:25:42 AM) Mike: you want a woman with cupholders?
(10:25:49 AM) me: yes. yes I do.
(10:26:01 AM) Mike: like... a sexy marsupial

Man... it sucks, I have a certain amount of things I have to do, cleaning up the room I have all the boxes in for the move, for instance, so that I can move the stuff in my bedroom there so I can move the new stuff I'm getting soon into the bedroom. Looking at a mattress so that I can use the new bedroom furniture. Regular cleaning (it just needs it). But I've been feeling so shitty lately it's hard to want to do anything. My dad keeps asking me about my progress on some of these things, and it's like, "SHUT UP I TOLD YOU I FEEL HORRIBLE, DON'T YOU GET IT?" I love him and everything, but since I have been pretty good most of the time for awhile now, and he doesn't live with me anymore to see when I feel shitty, I think he forgets how much of my time is just sucked into this black hole of feeling horrible & doing nothing when I am having a rough patch with the colitis. On top of it, yesterday my tire went flat. My parents have triple A and I'm on their account, so AAA came and changed my tire really quickly, but I was still late to work and now I have to figure out what to do about that.

ugh

My cooooolon hurts. Eat dicks, genetics.

So I was late to work today. I guess my alarm clock difficulties (being too stupid to properly program one) have not gone away, as I once thought, they were just alleviated by the fact that I don't have to get up early very often. But today I picked up hours, and I was late for them, and that's a huge no no where I work. The annoying thing: right before I woke I had a dream that I set my alarm wrong and was late to work. Irony, poetic justice, whatever it is... fuck you.

Work wasn't too awful once it started.

Current status: I just ate too much rice a roni.

Because everyone loves home decor, right?

Today I looked at furniture. I feel kind of bad doing it on my own, cause my mom and I were supposed to do this but then she got sick. I was going to wait till she gets better, but my dad keeps pushing me to go ahead and look at stuff. Anyway, I went to a place today.

--Sofas: hard choice. I like my current one so much, and it actually goes with my decor. Whereas most stuff: crazily, tan. Yeah, what the fuck is right, my friends. I looked at a couple of pull out sofas and a futon-y thing, though, for my guest room. Nothing was noteworthy.

--Chairs. Eh, nothing goes with my place, but I am a sucker for recliners. They all seem pretty nice, and don't go with anything. My favorite, comfort-wise was this one though it, too, does not go with anything.

--Bedroom sets. I dunno, I don't want a big-ass footboard or just big-ass everything. My mom was talking about getting a bed, nightstand, chest, dresser, and then putting my old nightstand & chest in the guest room.

my favorite bed

set that goes with it

set that was nice but enormous, and not cheap

set on sale

another one on sale

--Mattresses eh, I don't know. I'm picky.

Plus my dad just randomly gave me a new battery for my cell phone today, which is nice because every conversation I have with anyone that is over 5 minutes lately ends with the phone hanging up. I just happened to mention to it, and I guess he and my mom (who have the same phone as me) had an extra around. I win!