I have this thing like drunk dial at night when I'm trying to fall asleep, only its when I'm sad and sober. I've usually been crying for hours, and I feel like I'll go crazy if I can't stop it, and the only thing I can do is call someone.

So I called Josh. And I left a message that was basically like, "You owe me some sort of closure. If you are breaking up with me tell me. And do it over the phone, I deserve better than some crappy email breakup."

Then I called my dad, and we talked for hours. I think one reason I feel so bad about this whole thing is that I feel like I'm defective and valueless to everyone. Because I don't have friends, and employers aren't fond of me either. And Josh, being the only person not related to me (i.e. my parents HAVE to love me unless they're completely awful) who didn't think i was defective, going ahead and doing this to me, just pulled the rug out from underneath my feet. I'm not saying he shouldn't break up with me, because the email he sent me sounds like he's not liked me for a real long time. In fact, he should've probably broken up with me ages ago. But anyway, I think what I needed was just someone to talk to about this. I've felt so alone. I signed up for therapy for christ's sake.

Anyway this morning when I woke up, I didn't feel awesome, but at least I'm not crying constantly.

Of course, Josh has still not emailed me back or phoned me. Though to give him the benefit of the doubt, latter is probably because he's either at work right now and/or because he doesn't know I left work early yesterday/am not working today because my supervisor let me have some time off since I was crying on the phone.

Oh anyway, like I said, I don't fault him for breaking up with me, I just fault him for the way he's doing it. Secretly hating me for months, and not telling me. Then letting it all bottle up to the point where he kicked me out on our anniversary, lying about it not being something I did. Then torturing me with silence until I did a sad non-drunk drunk dial. Then sending me an email spelling out his loathing for me, complete with wild accusations. Then torturing me with silence again. Are you breaking up with me or aren't you? Just tell me so I can get on with my life.

If you are reading this, Josh, I meant it about still being friends. But yeah, I am kind of angry at you, and my blog is where I vent. So you probably don't want to read any entries in the next few days or so unless you like bitter recriminations against yourself.