I guess it's finally hit me about my mom. At first I was worried that I wasn't sad or worried enough, but now I think about it all the time. Yesterday I visited her and got a bunch of recipes. I was originally planning on doing this when I moved, because now I have the room to actually cook. But of course she's been feeling too sick to do it with me. So now that she has a break from chemo, we've been doing it.
Anyway, what should've orig. been fun turned into this morbid thing where we could both tell that my aim turned from "get the recipes now that I have moved," to "this might be the last chance I have to get these recipes before you die." Some of them don't even have specific amounts, she was going to just cook them with me so I could see what the various consistencies were supposed to be. And every time she mentioned that, I was thinking about how she never would.
She, on the other hand, was amazingly chipper. More chipper even, than I've seen her without cancer, which makes me think it's a show. And also makes me sad that she thinks she has to put on a show for me. You are allowed to be depressed if you have cancer. I'm depressed and I'm not even the one with it.
Then on top of that, of course, I have the guilt from the difficult relationship and the off and on hating of her I've harbored in the past.
1 comments:
You shouldn't feel guilty. That's just the relationship your supposed to have with your parents. Sometimes your mad or hate them but you, and they, always know underneath that you love them.
And you know, she might not have been faking it. She might have actually been very happy to be there with you then so that you'd have something good to remember. She's never really been sure how to handle that you weren't a carbon copy of her personality and if cooking is something you can do together happily, I'd roll with it.
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