disturbing

So I noticed last night and today that my place smells somewhat like industrial fumes. Like spraypaint, hairspray, or nail polish or something. I think I would be less worried if I knew where it was coming from, but I'm not sure.

In addition: the water pressure in my bathroom sink is down to dripping, basically. I had a similar problem (reduced water pressure, to a lesser degree) in my kitchen awhile ago and it just went away on it's own, so I was hoping this would. But it's not so I guess I'm going to talk to a plumber or something. All I know is it's annoying as hell when you don't even have enough water to rinse your toothbrush at night. But the shower, right there, works fine.

It's kind of annoying that it always seems like there's something I have to be doing to this place. Like... my ghetto old place I only ever had like 2 problems the entire time I lived there, whereas nice new place, always something busted.

Other stuff: work is okay. I mean, I still hate the actual work part of work, but we've had a lot of decent extracurricular stuff, so to speak. I was really worried about this basket thing I helped put together for my team to auction off and give the proceeds to United Way, but in the end Connie (the other person who worked on it) and I prevailed! It is nice and getting decent bids. We're working on decorating a pumpkin to look like Joker from Dark Knight, and I'm hoping it'll look awesome. We get to have a team meeting at Buffalo Wild Wings soon (2 hours off the phone, free food).

bleh

Today, summarized:

I eat something.
My stomach starts to bubble & make noises in the manner of a mad scientist's beaker or test tube.
I feel pain.
I poop water.
Repeat.

The longer version: I don't know what's up with that, maybe it's a cheese thing. It seems like I can tolerate less and less cheese, which makes me angry at the world.

My right ear has water in it or something. Like, I don't know how most people are, but whenever I swim I used to put these alcohol drops in my ear so they would dry out and not have water inside to give me an ear infection. It was like a religion in our family, we all had to do it. When I didn't, I could hear water in my ear for awhile. I sometimes got that from a shower too, but not for a long time. But I guess today I do. I don't really want to have to go out and find the right type of alcohol, though. Plus, it hurts like hell. Like... not for regular people, my sis and mom never had problems with it hurting. But if you are constantly either scratching an itch the inside of your ear or trying to pick out wax, like my dad and I, it is irritated in there and pouring alcohol on it stings really really bad.

Work was alright. We're working on this pumpkin decorating thing. I have sadly self-appointed myself to finding a joker wig, and or hair dye to put on it. Why couldn't I have just gotten one of the easy or more plentiful things? Then I also had toastmasters, which is always fun. I was general evaluator, and kind of fucked it up, but everyone was cool about it. I'm thinking of being toastmaster again or finally finally finally giving a second speech. I'm also being a vote counter or something in our district contest. The actual work part of work: as lame as usual, but oh well.

I guess the good thing is not today, but yesterday, when Josh let me know things are still cool and when he went yesterday it was because he really did want to be alone and it had nothing to do with me. Also, tomorrow should be good, because it's my day off and Julie and I are going to see a movie!

So I didn't show up to that job interview, which is retarded. Yeah, I don't want that job in and of itself that bad, but I do so very much want to get out of where I am right now. I just had some sort of retarded panic attack and couldn't make myself do it. I'm going to have the same awful job I have now forever until I go crazy or die and I have no one else to blame but my stupid self. I mean I've made TONS of bad decisions that led me here, but fucking not even going to an interview you have set up is probably the most blindingly obvious one.

Then I felt like shit and all depressed, and Josh felt like shit and all depressed about his own problems, and we felt crappy about each others problems and he left earlier than he planned, and wouldn't let me drive him home like we had originally planned. He says it's not about me, but I worry.

Also I bought an electric mixer and my meringue still is shitty.

bleh....

I feel like my self esteem is at an all time low.

Today I had a ton of customers just fucking hang up on me while I'm in the middle of a fucking sentence. While I'm trying to fucking explain something to their ungrateful asses. Total fucking assholes... I mean once in awhile I will get someone who does it, but I just got a bunch of them tonight.

Then I went home and made the shittiest lemon meringue pie ever. I don't know why, but I think since I've been baking my self esteem has sort of gotten caught up in it. Like, "look, here's something I'm actually good at!" but now I've failed for the first time since I really got into it and I feel like crap. Especially since I was making it for Josh, he really likes meringue and the whole time I've been planning to make this I was thinking of how much he would like it.

Then I also feel crappy because I cleaned the hell out of this place on Weds and now, thanks to the baking, it's already dirty again. It looks like I didn't even give a shit someone was visiting and I didn't care to make it nice for him. But I did. And I really don't have the energy to re-clean.

I have a stupid interview tomorrow for a job I don't want and likely will not get. I don't really feel like waking up early and blowing smoke up these people's asses.

Crap crap crap I feel like crap.

Yay!

Tina sent me the beautiful Hasselhof gif on the right to creep people out (and to replace that old, old Indiana Jones ad). While I was at it, I decided to add 2 other things in the sidebar I've been enjoying lately: Adagio tea and that Ben Folds guy I can't shut up about.

I'm pretty much in heaven right now, staring at creepy David Hasselhof, listening to Ben Folds, and drinking delicious mango tea.

Effingham

phoemeister (4:16:15 PM): I also found out the effington song is totally wrong.... I kept wanting to say "effingham" instead of "effington" because I thought the town was effingham, and I looked it up and I was right, there is no effington
GOWALLSGO (4:21:11 PM): either one would have made sense though
phoemeister (4:21:38 PM): yeah I dunno if he just didn't like the sound of effingham as much, or if he just forgot it was effingham
GOWALLSGO (4:21:53 PM): maybe he didn't want someone to think of suing him
phoemeister (4:22:32 PM): haha maybe... the song is pretty much about fuckin'
phoemeister (4:22:48 PM): but I mean lots of towns have songs saying they suck I think. And this isn't even saying that, per se
GOWALLSGO (4:24:20 PM): maybe he made up effington because it's like compton but it begins with effing which is slang for sex
phoemeister (4:24:35 PM): haha I don't know
phoemeister (4:24:46 PM): I mean the effing is why he liked the town name I think
phoemeister (4:25:05 PM): because the song is stuff like, "are they effing in their cars? effing in the fields? efffing in their homes? in effington?"
GOWALLSGO (4:25:07 PM): but if he used the actual town, effingham, it's boinking pigs which is no fun
phoemeister (4:25:15 PM): hahah yeah I thought of that too

well, well, well

My dad just gave me cortaid (anti-itch ointment for bug bites) that expired the year I graduated from high school.

OH MY GOD

I can die now.

One of my favorite musical artists, Sufjan Stevens, wrote 2 albums about my state. My town is mentioned in one of them.

One of my favorite writers, Neil Gaiman, wrote a book that partly takes place in my state. My town is mentioned in it.

And now, now, my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE MUSICIAN, Ben Folds, has an album named after my town. There is a song, partly about a town in this area called Effington (and named Effington) but also about my town. And it's an awesome song! I actually forgot--I have heard it before! The last time he stopped here he sang it as one of his off the cuff improvised songs he often does. I'm so glad my town somewhat inspired art (granted, it's for the annoying thing of joking about Normal, but he does it in a new way and is more making fun of Effington's name).


If there's a god,
he's laughing at us
And our football team.

Effington could be a wonderful f'ing place
I can see it from the highway
And I'm wondering
Are they f'ing in their yards
f'ing in their cars
f'ing in the trailers and the backroads and the parking lots of Effington
Making my way to Normal, Illinois.

Maybe I should ditch this little white rental on the interstate
And start a new f'ing life...in effington
I could change my name, grow a beard, start a family
Or I could just keep moving on, moving on, moving on, moving on
Not stop 'til I get to Normal.

I want to live in Effington
I want to die there too.
Please bury me in Effington
In Effington
In Effington
Oh

I've got this movie in my mind of Effington
And the soundtrack to it sounds like this

(when he did it live he did sort of a porno-sounding riff there, but in the DVD it is not porno-y).

And then the people who live in Normal
Can buy the movies that I'll make in Effinghton
That's what normal people do
Normal people do it too
Normal people do it too

Now why he isn't stopping here on the support tour, I will never know.

yaay

Yesterday was pretty sweet. Due to various meetings and projects, I didn't have to spend much time on the phone at work. I made a pumpkin pie for my team meeting, and it was tasty and very easy to make. I also unveiled a team folder project I had been working on and it was well-recieved.

The other nice thing is that fall is aparently the time of year for extra activities at work, because we have a couple coming up that I get to be involved with. More time off the phone! More fun!

Oh and I almost forgot, I got this tea I ordered online awhile ago yesterday, and it is really good. Plus an electric kettle so I don't have to be the person who ghettoly microwaves water for tea anymore. I'm looking at getting a nice teapot in the future but all the cool ones cost money. I guess I'll just have to keep using that one I stole off the homeless guy in the street.

EDIT: Man I can't believe I forgot to post about this but a couple days ago Julie and I went to Medieval times! It was really awesome and there were lots of cool horseys. It seems mostly andalusians (I think the whole thing is sort of based on Spain in medival times) but the herald guy had a friesan. I was able to look over to Julie and say, "I breed imaginary versions of that on the internet!" Instead I didn't say that, and she still thinks I am sane. I do think I mentioned Howrse to her when we were looking at the horses in their little air-conditioned stalls beforehand, though. They are really bizarre-ly still horses. Julie thought it might be the fact that there's no flies.

I bought an overpriced keychain and we sprung for a photo of ourselves in medival garb. We posed in front of a green screen and they added green hills and a horsey in the background. I look sort of sarcastic and Julie looks like she's bonking the horse on the nose, but all in all I am happy with it.

So they acted out a story, I don't know whether or not it was based on any real incidents in Spanish history, but basically the prince was kidnapped while securing peace with a kingdom that they'd recently been at war with. The rest of the family had to go on with this feast they were putting on for the nobles (us). It turns out the son of the warring kingdom didn't want peace. He cheats at the games at the feast and says there will not be peace. The prince comes back and fights him. The guy's dad still wants peace. The prince wins, there's peace, everyone wins, woo! So basically the knights did tricks, the horses did tricks, and they had a falconer too.

The food was actually really good as well. Coming from someone as picky as me, that's a compliment. So delicious roast chicken (half a chicken, I'm not kidding), tomato soup, a rib (that seemed weird to include, but okay, it tasted pretty good), apple pastry, garlic bread. And we ate it with our hands!

The long bus ride disagreed with me, but it was worth it. Yay!

bleh

Today was shitty.

1) I actually accidently ended up in the middle of a funeral procession today. I was in the lane next to them and the lanes merged. I panicked and ended up in the middle of it, much to the anger of the participants. I felt their burning hatred on me for most of the tortoise-speed crawl down Washington Avenue. Awesome. They also honked at me every time I tried to obey traffic laws.

2) actual shit, painful poops galore too. The blood in my stool seems to be more often and more each time, which means I should probably get to a doctor.

3) Dinner with my sister's family. JESUS CHRIST, can we NOT keep going to the same GODDAMN restaurant that doesn't have chocolate milk, or bring our own? The Phew had a meltdown last time and was barely better today. And of course both phews were sick, and the little one wouldn't stop crying. Why the hell do we never just get fucking carryout, they hate restaurants and won't behave in them.

4) I hate insurance education but don't want to fail.

So everyone at work seems sick. I'm trying to choke down as much vitamin C as humanly possible to see if it helps. I fucking hate Airborne, btw, that shit is gross. I have my doubts, too. I mean, I would not be advertizing the fact that it's made by a school teacher. If this guy was a kindergarten teacher about all he/she needs to know is letters, colors, and shapes. Now if it's "made by a scientist at *prestigious place* FOR school teachers, or tested on school teachers, here are some peer-reviewed articles we wrote about it in major medical journals that explain our results" I'd get it. Still I guess their marketing worked somehow cause I got some. Or rather Kroger generic version of it. It's still way too expensive. But I hate being sick and I really will get in trouble if I have like one more absence.

I don't think I gave myself enough time for the insurance education. I started late, on the grounds that it would be boring to re-read it all again closer to time for the test but I didn't realize how much shit they packed into this book. I could definitely read it in a month, but I don't know how much I'd retain. So I'm trying to take notes or whatever, I hate re-reading notes but actually writing them seems to make the info stick better. We'll see. I'm probably freaking out over nothing, this particular test is multiple choice. Still I'll be using at least two or three hours per day on this unforgiving piece of shit for the next month. and it kind of pisses me off.

I have an interview on Thurs. I don't think I'll get it, it's in a competative area. To give you a picture: a couple months ago I interviewed for the job level below this job and didn't get it. I have a less competative one sometime like mid October. Get me the fuck out of this place.

I guess that's all I have for now.

ha!

I found some things I drew for friends.

Yes, I am retarded. They still made me laugh, though.

Achooooo

I love Asthmatic Kitty (indie record label). Not only do they offer free music (most indie record labels do) but they actually encourage you to share it with others, too. I mean I guess it is good marketing for them, but that is basically the opposite strategy the big guys use.

And of course the other nice thing about them is they have good music ;)

Anyway, here's some tracks from Rafter...

Juicy (my favorite)

Sweat

Salt

bleh

So I guess I've alienated Rebecca to the point where she will never speak to me again, which puts me up to a grand total of 3 people I've done this to in my life thus far. What is wrong with me? How do I keep doing this? I guess the only comfort is that we weren't really talking anyway. But I digress: the reason I'm pretty sure she won't talk to me at all is I have this promo Monty Python fluxx card I got for free that I don't really want. I emailed her to see if she wanted me to mail it to her (she loves both MP & Fluxx) and she never emailed back.

Things with the water seem pretty much resolved. I sucked up a lot of the water with some carpet shampoo-er thing my dad has. Then I used fans on it. I've been keeping my fans far longer than I probably need to, but I'm afraid the dry surface hides wet carpet pad. I really don't want mold in there and have to replace carpeting that is basically brand new.

Josh visited again, and it was good. We frisbee golfed, and it was beautiful outside. We watched some movies, and he bought Season 3 of Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which was hilarious. I especially liked the rock band episode with the two bizarre songs, Nightman/Dayman. I made an apple pie, which turned out pretty well. I also made black-bottom pie, which unfortunately has rum in it. Which unfortunately, neither Josh nor I like. I don't know why I still put it in, I thought it wouldn't be that strong. But seriously, after putting it into my fridge for a couple of hours, the fridge reeked of booze. Josh still liked it enough to eat most of it, though, so I don't have to throw it away or pawn it off on anyone. It's a good enough pie otherwise that I might make it again but with vanilla or citrus flavoring in place of the rum. Also, through the making of this pie, I realized I could make meringue, so I might be making a lemon meringue pie in the near future. At one point Josh started maniacally laughing because he was "so content." The laughing was weird, but the sentiment made me feel good.

Spore has gotten better, space stage is more fun. I've sadly been playing it nonstop. My imaginary horses are getting neglected. It sucks that Howrse is such a rat-race-y game, you stop for a couple of days and everyone horses get better relative to yours.

I'm kind of irritated, the lady who got the job I wanted was this chick who I'd talked about it with previously and had not even really wanted the job that badly. Poops. I have another job interview in October, I guess. Some claims position I don't want that badly (but that I want more than what I have now, I guess).

I guess that's all the updates I have right now.

Today was pretty good. Julie called me out of the blue, and we talked for awhile then hung at noodles. She's always fun, and noodles are always good. We also happily conferred about our upcoming trip to Medieval Times soon. It is super-exciting! I have to say, I'm excited just in general that Julie's moving back to town. Aside from the aforementioned trip, we also have hazy future movie plans, based mostly on a) both of us like children's movies and no one else ever wants to watch them b) I want her to hear the creepy "wehrenberg" whispers at the Galaxy theatre.

Yesterday was the poops. I woke up to a good portion of my living room soaked. I left the window open over night, which I guess was a stupid move. My dad (who I borrowed a wet vac from) kept saying things like, "couldn't you tell it was going to rain?" "Didn't you know Ike was coming?" I kept saying things like, "I've watched my open window before when it's been raining hard, even when it's been windy and not a drop has come in. This stuff had to have come in almost horizontal to have gotten in." I was lucky, my TV was just out of water range, and my computer chair shielded my computer. We'll see how my little CD player is doing... it was drenched, so probably not well.

The day before that (or the day before that I get my days confused) I managed to stupidly injure myself on christmas lights.

Well

Stuff got a little better, Josh & I got over the stuff in my last post. And he visited. And I had a day off work, and took an extra day off work, and given that I hate work, that was good. And he and I had a lot of fun going through Target looking at their halloween crap. He had mad props for the Buckeye Cake I made.

Stuff with Rebecca is still the same, I guess. She's on AIM all the time, but I decided not to be all desperate and message her first, seeing as how every time I've messaged her first lately has ended up as an arguement. Maybe if I wait till she actually wants to talk to me (if that ever happens) things will go better? I dunno, it sucks so bad. I already missed her friendship when I didn't have the constant reminder that she IS online and doesn't particularly want to talk to me.

Today was kind of crap, I'm too lazy to type it out again so here's an excerpt from an email:

The actual work
wasn't any worse than usual, but there was this promotion I was
really, really, really hoping I would get, I interviewed for it a
little while ago, and my supervisor said I made the short list. And
it was one of the few jobs I've applied for because it sounded like
something I'd actually like to do, as opposed to "ANYTHING TO GET OUT
OF WHERE I AM NOW." So right at the beginning of work today I had an
email saying they picked someone else.

One good thing though is that I got chosen to take over "the pivoting
report" which is just basically one person gets this raw data on how
much everyone's pivoted each week and takes it and organizes it into
something presentable and sends it to everyone. I wasn't that happy
about it, because I would've rather gotten the goddamn promotion, but
it is a pretty sweet deal--at least one hour a week off the phones +
looking good on my records + the fact that only one person does it,
somehow they thought of me out of everyone at the CRC, I take that as
a compliment. I'm not even that great of a pivoter, I do just enough
to look like I'm trying. I think I do steadier numbers than a lot of
people though, so maybe that's it.

The other bummer about today: Spore is really not very good. Like
the creating the creatures or whatever is kind of fun (though
obviously, I was already doing that for free). In fact, creating the
creatures gets less fun when you start playing the game because you
have points you have to earn to afford body parts and all that. But
the actual game is like, so fucking simplistic/easy that it's boring.
Waste o' money. I wish the packaging had made it more obvious that
it's a kid's game.

Continuing the theme of how butt-hurt I am about life right now, last night I had a woman scream "asshole!" at me, and another who said, "Why do you even answer the phone? You're a big waste of everyone's time."

WHY WHY WHY? I need to quit and get another job, I guess. I just feel like all the time I have spent at this retarded job will be wasted if I don't stick with it to get a promotion.

Plus the economy's so shitty right now that my already bad chances at getting anything non-soul killing will be even worse. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.

Then I spoke with Rebecca last night, which is a whole sub-category of bad in and of itself. Now this is purely from my perspective, which obviously is flawed, I have no idea why she is acting the way she is. She might have valid reasons, but I am having difficulties figuring them out. But basically I feel like she abandoned me when I needed people the most, but I was too much of a pussy to come out and say it to her and came off of as this passive agressive jackass. You see, the trouble with saying what you mean is that it often drives people away. And when the people are already drifting away, you don't want to push them farther. But the trouble with halfway saying what you mean is you do push them away still, but they get mad at you for lying to them on top of any anger they would've felt anyways for what you said. But yeah, that's it. I sort of told her I was mad that she hasn't talked to me, but then immediately took it back and pretended like I hadn't said it. She in turn seems mad at me, even before this, and I can't figure out why. Every time I talk to her it's this big horrible thing, but I can't help trying because I miss her so damn much.

Then I retardedly forwarded the conver onto my best friend to see if he could make heads or tails of it or figure out why she is mad to me. Unfortunately, my best friend is Josh and I forgot that we discussed him in there briefly. See, Rebecca's opinion of Josh is that he's psychotic. Because basically all she knows about the breakup is I IMed her one day, "Josh and I broke up because he secretly hates me." That was basically the whole conversation, because she refuses talk to me other than IM, and the only time she could access the internet was at work, she got busy after that and never got any clarification. She thought he genuinely stayed with me for some reason for six months secretly hating my guts for some reason the whole time. What I meant was he didn't really love me anymore and had been unhappy for a good chunk of the relationship. And since she thinks he's crazy, she dislikes him. SO I wasn't about to just admit that he's my best friend, we still occaisionally accidently sleep together, I love him more than anything, and even so I'm content with how things are going right now, and I don't mind doing the work to transition from what we were to regular friends. I said men are too much trouble, I'd rather masturbate, there's only one man I want and I can't have him. She said that keeping him close is making it difficult for me to get over him. Instead of defending him and saying that even DURING multiple breakups he was closer to me and supported me more through this difficult time in my life more than any of my supposedly "close" friends, including her, I just kept it short and said that I'm not about to get rid of the only close friend I have living in this area. So of course he feels bad that he's supposedly ruining me and keeping me from moving on. He feels like he's fucking me up worse. He feels like I'm only friends with him because I can't get anyone else to be my friend.

Well newsflash: it took me 25 years to get a boyfriend in the first place, it's not like I've been having all these great opportunities to hook up with people and am turning them down because of him. Also: losing my best friend at this point over some stupid conversation I had would fuck me up way worse than getting over him slower. Lastly I DO have friends but he is still my favorite, because he is a caring, thoughtful, fun person no matter how much he thinks he isn't, and I do feel close to him--which IS admittedly rare for me these days but would be valuable even if it wasn't rare.

Lastly today was just crappy too. My grandpa visited. I know he was having health difficulites at the time, but I'm kind of mad at him that he didn't see mom before she died. I mean, he was alright to fly to New Hampshire and visit his girlfriend's relatives, but he wasn't alright to fly here? And of course this meant hanging out with my sister too, because basically all he cares about is seeing her kids. The times he did talk to me it was about my job which is my least favorite thing of all time to talk about. Then of course the Phew was being a brat again and it's painful to be around him at all anymore.

So...

Last night at work I had a woman who screamed, "Are you even awake?" into the phone when I answered it. That was awesome.

And while I'm sure that woman (don't even get me started on the rest of that call), and many others, are just simply dicks, I have to wonder if people are even more hostile to me than other reps because of my voice. No one else I know gets, "Your voice is so nasal," or, "you sound tired!" or "You sound monotone!" at all, much less at the rate I get told. I've even had nice people who call me at home think I sound tired or like I just woke up even when I'm fine.

Either way, the world is a horrible place. I'm not kidding--anyone you know, even love or care about could be one of these people. People who yell at strangers over the phone who they know darn well didn't cause their problem in the first place are BAD PEOPLE. I don't care if they go to church or give to charity or are your sweet old grandma. It's what you do when you think no one knows that counts. Plus, I can't say for sure, but I'm pretty sure these are the sort of people that would've gone along with the holocaust, or any horrible world event you can think of because they like feeling more powerful than others.

well

Today has been pretty good.

Its my first day in some time that I haven't had to go do something with my dad. Not to down him, I understand he's under some stress & pain of his own, but I tire of the constant emails trying to get me to take my mom's shoes (her & I had the same shoe size, but I actually wear shoes much larger than my size because my feet are freakishly wide) or this or that.

I slept till 2 pm, which I really did not mean to do and will probably fuck me up when I try to get to sleep tonight, but felt good.

I cleaned a ton, which I needed a ton. To be honest, any given day that I work I probably have enough time to clean about as much as I did today. But I never feel like cleaning on a work day. I'm a terrible procrastinator, but I've realized that I don't necessarily put things off till the last minute, I put them off until I feel like doing them, which is unfortunately not as often as I should do them. I still have to do my laundry (I clean only the bare minimum of what I need and then clean it over and over again while the rest of my stuff sits in baskets or all over the floor getting wrinklier and wrinklier) which due to my lack of will is a terrible mess, but at least the main part of this place (living room + kitchen) is presentable again.

Though, given my recent penchant for cooking/baking, the kitchen never stays nice long. Speaking of which, I made turkey tonight! Not a whole one, like a frozen breast or something, but it turned out tasty. The gravy turned out sort of too watery and too salty, and definitely not as strongly turkey-y as my mom's. I dunno if I'm going to eat it or not. I froze about half of the turkey to eat some other time, and ate all the outside bits from the side I didn't freeze (had all the seasonings, I put this Emeril Lagasse-endorsed stuff on the outsides). Then I kind of ripped off that thing Julie does where she pulls all the chicken apart, puts barbecue sauce on it, and puts it into burritos with cheese or whatever else one would prefer (tonight I put some refried beans in there). Delicious!

So I have to do dishes all over again.... but I have a dishwasher. Thank jeebus.

Now I'm trying to make myself do the laundry or organize the MP3's some people have donated, but I doubt it'll get done. Partly because I do have a really bad headache. I actually have a really bad headache nearly every day, but lately I'm trying to not take advil unless I'm at work or something where I'll go insane if I don't get headache relief. Basically because I think it's bad that I take advil every day. Partly because I'm lazy and don't feel like it anymore.

Well...

I decided to bite the bullet and... well... take the bullet (har har har). If I hate it I have it on good authority I can trade it for $60 bucks worth of crap at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. My main concern is that though they say it's smaller than a blender, it really actually takes up the same amount of space as a blender, and then has 80 other fucking things that are like the top part of a blender that I'll have to find space for.

Now I think technically I do have a little space in my cupboards still, but it just seems useless to clog it up with random shit just because I can. Especially since my dad's latest thing sounds like I'm going to be getting a lot of cheap-ass tupperware knock-offs soon that I'm going to have to find space for. (I might just chuck that or chuck the cheap ass tupperware knock-offs I've already got). The annoying fucking thing about having too much of this stuff is trying to find a lid that matches a container before you can store anything. I already go hulk smash with anger most of the time attempting this feat, then give up and use a plastic bag. Adding more shapes and sizes is a recipe for badness....

So I did hang out with the fam on Sat and it was slightly better than the time before. But I think tomorrow when I go to my Dad's house it's going to be tupperware time (and hence-annoying).

Before that I hung out with Josh. I wish we could've hung out longer but he had work and I had the aforementioned family togetherness. We both have been having crazy work schedules lately (him--insane boss, me--hurricane season. My sched is not so crazy, just less flexible than usual). So some of my plans seem to be going astray (we were going to make real mashed potatoes together like we did at thanksgiving). But the nice thing about hanging with Josh is that I can have a lot of fun just watching TV or doing nothing in particular too.

Lastly, but not leastly, I made some Pumpkin Scones which were alright but not fantastic like I thought they would be. Like, I think I did it right, but it's just not as flavorful of a recipe as I was hoping for. Plus I'm pretty sure I gained a ton of weight eating the entire stick of butter in there.

Well....

Is there any reason on god's green earth I should want a Magic Bullet as opposed to a blender and/or food processor? Cause I already have a blender and if I wanted it, I could probably have mom's food processor as well.

Anyway, I guess my mom bought a magic bullet (am I weird for thinking of the Kennedy assasination like, EVERY time I read the name of this thing?) shortly before she got sick, so this thing is basically like brand new, and my dad wants to know if I want it. Mom did have the occaisional penchant for buying a strange kitchen gadget, which she usually didn't end up using. But the bizarre thing is--most of the things she's gotten in the past at least seem cool, or like they would be cool if they worked. Whereas... I look at this thing and go, "It's a blender. I already have a blender. What is the difference?" Honestly, has anyone seen the infomercial, or read the description on the link and see any benefit whatsoever from this thing over a blender?

I dunno. Maybe I should still take it even if it is poopy... The blender I do have is kind of an old ghetto one which I recieved from, weirdly enough, the antichrist,* who didn't want it anymore. But it seems annoying to have to keep all the stupid attachments & different cups for it all over. Whereas a blender is a blender.

For that matter--what is the difference between a blender and a food processor, exactly? I've never been 100% clear on that.

___
* My ex-boss. Honestly, this random act of kindness (i.e. giving me a blender that actually works semi-alright most of the time) from someone who hated me so much always puzzles me whenever I blend. I often wonder if it was supposed to electrocute me or something and failed in its mission.

I hate, hate, hate hanging out with my dad lately. I mean I don't mind doing most stuff with him, but what he wants to do lately is make my sister and me paw through my mom's stuff and decide what we want to take. I'd just like one goddamn day off, one time to see him, where it's not this shit. I hate going through my own things, or be forced into doing anything when I'm not in a mood to do it, much less this stuff. Plus he's trying to make me take things I don't even want.

I got in a fight with him and my sister. He thought I would like a pot she had recently bought to make this one kind of soup. Which I do--that soup was one of our family traditions, and delicious besides. No one else seems to want to bother. But then I got to asking him how I should do it--because all the recipes on the internet for making beef stock are full of this BS extra work I don't think mom ever did. He confirmed yes, all she did was boil the soup bones. I told him the main reason I was looking at recipes was cause I was trying to get an idea of how much beef you needed per how much water.

He was telling me he thought he knew how much because he knew how much she used before. But.... the pot he's giving me, it's half the size of the one she used. It's still one bigass pot, and more than big enough, but it's not going to be reliable for measurements. I tried to tell him that, and him and Lori kept telling me that it's more than big enough, even though I told them over and over I realized that. It sort of culminated with him asking me why I never asked her when she was around, and me screaming, "I did, she didn't want to just tell me, we were going to do it together, but I guess now we never will."

Then I went away to cry. Then later my dad noticed, and asked me what was wrong and I told him, "Mom is dead, that's what's wrong," angrily.

The day sucked anyway... I tried to make fresh scones for him and my sister and they weren't interested. Why I met with so much resistance for actually trying to do something nice for people, I don't know. I mean, I'd already made the dough all I had to do is pop it in the oven for 15 minutes.

Then we went to lunch and I got stuck in one of those positions where you feel like a retard because the person at the counter says next and you can't tell if they're talking to you or not and you get confused. I tried to just make my sister go first, because she kept telling me to go up there because she thought we were next, and she randomly decided she didn't want to and kept making me. I started yelling at her that if she is so sure that they want us next she should talk to them. Then she took that as license to not only order first, but to order FOR me. Then I tried to tell her I wanted the vegetables off mine and she got mad at me and told me to talk to the lady at the counter and tell her that, which I didn't want to because she'd already seen me acting like a schizophrenic shouting at my sister this whole time and probably hated me.

Then at dinner her fucking kid loudly cried for like 10 minutes because they didn't have chocolate milk at the restaurant. Instead of yelling at him to stop or ignoring him, she kept trying to placate him with offers of other drinks he didn't want, and making the poor waiter stand there waiting for our order while she did it. At one point she said, "does anybody have a knife?" because she needed to cut up food for her other crying kid (this kid's crying was legit--he's a baby and had a cold) and I thought, "If I had access to a knife, your firstborn would not be alive right now."

The one good thing that happened today is I've pretty much been vindicated RE: how awful my previous downstairs neighbors were. I went to the second condo assoc. meeting they've actually told me about since I've lived here and I mentioned the vandalization of my car--and another person actually had those bastards BREAK INTO THEIR CAR after having an altercation with them. So yeah--it is DEFINITELY safe to say that those assholes slashed my tires, keyed my car twice, and probably even stole my tire iron. Jokes on you though, fuckers: I have triple A and had no intention of changing my own tire anyway. But it WAS annoying trying to find it later. Either way I'm glad they moved. The guy living there now is related to them somehow, but thankfully seems a lot less assholey.

Yay

Nerdy music talk that won't mean anything to most people:

I'm really excited about the new Ben Folds album. It's actually the only music this year I've really gotten excited over other than the new Wolf Parade (which was a total disappointment). I pre-ordered it, and they gave me two tracks instantly.

I really like that these two tracks seem richer and more orchestral (i.e. more different instruments). More Rockin' the Suburbs than Songs for Silverman. Which is good considering I love the first and am apathetic on the last.

I also love that Hiroshima (BBB Benny Hits His Head) is SO Ben. Anyone can write a good song about something like love. It takes a special, special person to write a good song about doing something retardedly embarassing like falling down in front of a large group of Japanese people. And he makes it somehow actually poetic, but funny and down to earth as the actual incident.


It was the start of the show
Hiroshima
and the people were shouting my name
as the house lights came down
and the spotlight followed me out
I waved down low to the crowd
as I busted ass on the front of the stage

They're watching me, watching me fall

Maybe it was the course of adrenaline
as the concrete rose to meet my face
Maybe it was the sheer embarrassment
that kept me concious and standing as I
crawled back on the stage
and started pounding out the first song
There was blood on the keyboard...
..Oh my God.

They're watching me, watching me fall

You wanna see what's in my head?
You wanna see what's in my head?
You wanna see what's in my head?
Check it out 'cause;
I got pictures of what's in my head
I got pictures of what's in my head
They took of me in Tokyo
And I brought 'em back with me to the USA

They're watching me, watching me fall

It's been a very good week. Work has been slow, slow, slow (though that will change today), which has been nice. Today I enjoyed my first real non-imaginary tea party with the gals (Anna, Julie, Deanna) and it was very enjoyable. Then the guys (Pat, Lothar) joined us, which was nice too. Also awesome: Julie is moving to BN again!

Saturday I had peeps over for dinner, and it went swell. People liked my cooking, we played fun games, and had pie.

Before that I had Josh over. He praises all of the cooking repetoire I am slowly developing, which makes me feel good. We watched some mad awesome TV together and played games. Plus he gave me some much-needed music to replace what I lost.

Before that, I made roast beef for the first time! Special thanks goes to Tina, who put up with my incessant interogation about the process.

comics

The first two are mostly related to my mom's funeral:





This one is designed to get two songs in your head at once:



This one just is.

I would walk

I've seen this sort of thing a million times, done better or done worse. But this one was so cute I have to pass it on.



Oh, and what the hell:



First one, courtesy of Tina, second one: All me, baby.

I had the worst call at work last night I've had in a very long time. The worst, perhaps, since the time I first started working there and EVERY call seemed worse than it was cause I didn't know how to handle the customers yet.

I've heard the definition of crazy is someone doing the same thing over and over again--and expecting a totally different outcome from their previous efforts. And boy oh boy, was this lady crazy. Now, I don't know why, but I frequently will have people ask me the same question 3 or 4 times and expect me to suddenly change my tune. But I've never had someone who asks me the same 2 or 3 questions over and over for a solid half hour (my average call handle time is about 5 minutes if that gives you a picture on how long I had to deal with this woman). You know, if she doesn't believe my answers, which is the only reason I can see that she might've been doing this, I'm not sure why she didn't just go and ask someone else at a certain point.

Anyway, the other really, really annoying thing about this lady is that she kept interupting me, and then getting mad when I wouldn't stop so that she could ask me the same question for the 80th time. I keep resisting the urge to use the term "pet peeve," since this would annoy anyone, but I get insane with rage when this happens. I don't get mad at interuptions so much--everyone does it. It's when the person actually gets mad at me for finishing my goddamn sentence despite their interuption so that they can get the fucking information they're badgering me about in the first place. If I wait for them (especially this lady) to finish their thought after they interupt me, I will only have to start the sentence over again and have them interupt me again, and NEVER get to the goddamn point.

But I also had one of the best calls too. Now my favorite call ever is still the guy who called in thinking we were publisher's clearing house and wouldn't believe me that we were not. But this is up there. I answer the phone, and I don't know if this person is saying it to me or someone in the background (cause I hung up right away) but their response was, "I'm going to fuck your ass, you fuck ass nigger." I don't know why, but random profanity possibly directed at me, including a slur meant for a race I'm not even a part of, made me laugh. We were having an exeptionally slow day so I turned to a couple of coworkers.

"I just got called an F-word, A-word, N-word."
"What?"
"F-word, A-word, N-word. I'm pretty sure I'll get fired if I tell you straight out, especially the last one."
"That's weird."
"Yeah, especially since, to the best of my knowledge, I don't sound particularly ethnically diverse."
"Yes you do."
"What?"
"You sound like a robot."
"I don't think people use racial slurs on robots."
"Of course they do! I use racial slurs on robots all the time! They plan to overthrow us."

So there are funny people at work--the rare times I actually am able to speak to them.

But in general, I got off work in a really good mood. I'm set to hang out with this chick from work today. We get along really well but for whatever reason have not made the transition to "hang out outside work" very often before this and it has never stuck. But I'm hoping this time!

I'm also going to start working on this new project that I'm very excited about. It's basically creating a folder in outlook for stuff for my team. I'm excited about it because 1) it is time off the phones, invaluable for someone in my position 2) it requires organizing things, which I have a nerdy love of, so I think I'll actually like DOING the project*, and 3) part of it is going to be picking a rep on my team each month to write about and let everyone get to know. Which... I don't think it will be as cool as the employee of the month posters I used to do for everyone at Borders, but I bet I can get a little creativity into it, and I'll really like that as well 4) It looks awesome to anyone who might be willing to promote me that I took the initiative to suggest this, then create it and maintain it, even give presentations on it to the team.

_____
* Anyone who knows me knows I'm not an organized person, I have crap all over my house. But, I really DO have a weird love of going through my CD's and alphabetizing them, or going through my books and organizing them, or even trying to organize things in my computer files (though that last is a losing battle).

Is it just me, or is cremains WAY too goofy of a word for what it describes? (cremated remains)

the dashboard melted but we still had the radio

It's been an interesting few days. Obviously not pleasant. I've cried some, but I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be. Part of me is still waiting for it to happen. Part of me thinks I already worked through most of the grief during various meltdowns I had while mom was still sick. I'm still not sure.

Also, thanks to everyone who has offered support.

I struggled quite a bit on how to put this, as text seems cold and unemotional. I guess I myself feel cold and unemotional, because I can't believe that it happened at all, much less this fast.

My mom died tonight. It's weird to think of someone having cancer going suddenly, but she did. She was stable for a few months, and rapidly deteriorated the last few days, especially today.

Who wants to be a pal?

So I'm going to the train station at 9:40 AM on Weds the 13th. My dad might be able to take me, but things with my mom are complicated right now (which makes me feel like even more of a douche for leaving town, but I already paid for the train tickets) so he might not be able to. Does anyone want to be my backup? I'll give you blueberry pie.... delicious pie...

I don't know how well this new obsession with baking is going to treat my already expanding waistline, but I kind of enjoy that it gives me something to do at night to distract me when I'm alone with my dumb thoughts. And it feels more respectable than playing with imaginary ponies, which is what I previously* did.

Anyway, it feels awesome when I succeed. Tonight I made blueberry scones and they were hella awesome. I don't know how well they'll keep, given the juiciness of the blueberries, but I will probably pawn some off on my dad tomorrow.... along with portions of two pies and (hopefully--it'll be my first effort at it) homemade whipped cream. I didn't even follow the recipe properly. It said to use lemon zest, but damn Kroger's eyes! they didn't have any so I used some key limes I had sitting around. It said to use lemon yogurt *glares at Kroger again* but I used vanilla. Then also there was this glaze to put on them, but I forgot to buy powdered sugar, so I just left it off. Still: awesome.

It makes me wonder why brownies hate me so much even though I completely follow directions when making them.

Anyway, I gotta keep making blueberry stuff until I'm out of blueberries. I have 6 pounds of them in my fridge right now because Meijer, glorious Meijer *glares daggers at Kroger again* has them on sale 2lbs for $4.40. And then I decided I love pies so I've been making Key Lime too (that's what the homemade whipped cream is going to be for) and lately have found a boatload of other pie recipes on the internet I'm itching to try.

__________
* Oh, who am I kidding, even with the baking I'm still playing Howrse like 4 hours per day

Veeeedio

If you have facebook, and would like to stalk me, here are the only two videos that I know of on the internet that have me not using any racial slurs.

Hulk Smash Diet

General jackassery

God fucking damn. I was so happy these last few days, and within a matter of hours of getting home, I'm already crying. What is wrong with me?

It's been a very good couple of days. I have developed quite a flair for pie making; I never realized it was quite this easy. Anna helped me out with a second blueberry pie, and we hung out and had a great time. A conversation with her is what inspired the previous comic (that and Rebecca & I's running obsession with people who do Foley for any movie).

Then the day after that, I made a key-lime pie. Which, again, is crazy easy. I didn't even properly follow the instructions and I still got it right. It's also cheaper than blueberry pie, now that the crazy awesome blueberry sale at Meijer is over now.

Then Lothar & I went to Julie's house for a couple days. Which was AWESOME.

1) We took the Foley joke to a whole new level. So now, if I had to, I probably could do Foley for a porno now, especially if it involved whale bestiality or wookiees.

2) I learned what a buttplug is shaped like, then used this knowledge to create a makeshift one out of Julie's bedpost.

3) Barbecue AWESOME

4) I saw a shooting star

And much more. Plus it was great to not have work for two days, and to get the hell out of this town. I mean, I don't have the animosity towards this town that a lot of people do, but it's nice to get a change of scenery once in awhile. And it was definitely good to see Julie for a more extended stretch of time.

Not sure why my comics have been so sexual lately. Tina says it's because I'm not getting any, but as weird as I am, when I'm horny, I don't usually think of Japanese men coming glitter on each other's backs or taints or this:



Ah, sweet mysteries of life.

This one's not that good, but I thought of it today after vacuuming. My carpet throws up so much fuzz that every few vacuums I have to take the vacuum cleaner and stick a coathanger all up in its tubes to yank out the enormous balls of fuzz that clog them.

Mamie

Not necessarily in chronological order.

--The asshole neighbors moved. I found out because the condo prez. came out and appologized to me about the garbage in the parking lot they left when they moved out. I looked way too happy when he told me that, I fear. The guy's brother moved in, so I fear he's an asshole too, but still he might not be and even if he is, that's like 1/3 of the sheer volume of assholes formerly cohabitating the complex. Yes, I count the baby as an asshole too, for crying all the time (though, as the guy who sold this place to my parents says, "I'd cry too if I had those parents").

--I gained a nemesis at work on Fri. This guy's a total stranger to me, I walked by his cube on the way to my supervisor's desk. He says, "don't look so happy," sarcastically to me. This is something that irritates the crap out of me even when I am not depressed, because who has a fucking right to tell me what facial expressions I can and can't make if I'm not doing anything weird or rude with them?

Then on top of it, the fact is I'm not happy, and I don't feel I should be skipping into work with a big fake grin on my face just to please complete strangers. But I was polite, and went on my way. Then, on the way back to my desk, the fucker does it again! This is in the space of like, 2 minutes! Who does that? The one guy at my previous job who used to say this would space it out over months instead of repeatedly harassing me about it. AND I knew him, he wasn't a goddamn stranger sticking his nose into my business. I am now completely enraged. But I let it pass.

So then later in the day, I go to the bathroom. And guess who is heading there when I'm on my way back--my brand new buddy. As I am walking towards him, I think, "Okay, he's not going to do it a third time. No one would do this a third time when the first two obviously didn't make the person smile." But then he says it AGAIN. I am now so agitated that I have to say something. If I don't say something, he will keep doing it, and I can't take that. I am in fact, INCOHERENT WITH RAGE, because I can't even articulate what to say to him. I sputter for like a minute, finally spewing out some sort of combination of "what do you want from me?" and "I don't even know what my face is supposed to look like," clenching and unclenching my fists the whole time. He acts deeply offended that I don't take his harassment as friendliness and leaves before I can actually say anything meaningful to explain to him about why this bothers me.

I know it's evil to use this just to put someone in their place, but if I were really, really thinking on my feet my reply would probably be, "My mother's dying of cancer right now. Please stop telling me to smile." It would make him feel about an inch tall, which is probably mean, but it would probably be upsetting enough to make him think twice before harassing total strangers who might have a 100% valid reason to not look happy again, and maybe break him of this obnoxious habit.

--I made a blueberry pie! It is my first experience of pie baking--and I think I did well. It doesn't really have a traditional crust, it has crumblies on top and graham cracker crust on bottom. Not only was this easier, but I'm not big on traditional crust so I thought it tasted better as well. I brought some to my dad, and I was really happy, he took a lot of it because he liked it so well. He also actually scraped the pie pan to get crust he missed because he liked it so much. This is a HUGE compliment, because when my mom made pies she used to yell at him for not eating the crust (though--my crust isn't better than mom's, just a different sort, she used traditional crust and I think he's like me and likes graham cracker more). Josh sampled it as well and liked it, then I took it to the D & D crew and they seemed to like it as well. I like eating what I cook, but I almost more like taking my successes around to people just to fish for compliments, so I was happy at the amount of joy the pie brought to various people. I bought more blueberries, so I am going to do it again soon.

--I recieved an awesome card from Andi. Even though it's not my birthday, it says, "Happy birthday, you bastard," and inside, "No seriously, you're a bastard." She (rightfully) thought I would like it so much that she bought it for me and sent it regardless of birthday status.

--I hung out with Josh today. He brought me delicious funnel cake from this street fair in Peoria and it was awesome. We watched some arrested development, played some Blokus, ate food, and shopped. Having him around always peps me up, so I'm glad he visited.

--I hung out with the D & D crew today, and it was also sweet. I played an awesome game called Aquire for the second time ever and we enjoyed some Apples to Apples as well. I also had this conversation that makes me the creepiest person ever:

(something about kids or something)
Me: Yeah? Well children can suck on my junk. Which is why, by law, I'm required to stay at least 40 feet away from them.
Pat: Are you saying you're involved in kiddie porn?
Me: No, I'm a molester. I'm a doer, not a watcher.
(can't remember who made this suggestion): Well you could make kiddie porn. You could be the star!
Me: Uh, I don't think I'd be the star, the kid is. I'd be in more of a supporting role.

And on that note I end this post.

wow

I mean, I knew I had hostility towards my job, but I think re-reading a snippet of a letter I'm sending to a friend made me realize just how much. I mean, it starts out with a joke I always do, that isn't even mine (ryan came up with it) but the rest is all despair.

"Anyway, yeah, my life still sucks. I started crying today because I was at this orientation thing for a bunch of people applying for a posting at my workplace, and they all had more skills and knew more people than me and I feel like I'll never get out of my awful fucking job where people who think they're on hold and I can't hear them will say, "this girl talks like a retard," or say nearly as mean things to my face (so to speak). Still, they're the retarded ones. I know everything about them; they know nothing about me. When I finally snap, I'm going to drive to someone's home, leap at them like a spider monkey, and sing "like a good neighbor, I know where you live," to them over and over as I spread hooker entrails on their front lawn. "I heard you was havin' a barbecue, neighbor," I'll cackle gleefully as well. The coup de gras will be finding their kids and telling them that santa is really a hobo named "Oklahoma bill" who regularly sodomizes their mother... and father. Then I will give them a brief but graphic description to them of what sodomy is using one of the hooker corpses as a visual aid.

So apparently my grandpa has no idea how sick my mom is. I personally am not sure which would be worse, what I'm going through now, or thinking she's doing way better and then being rudely interupted one day, and finding out everyone else knew. I was a coward; I didn't really set him straight. I guess my dad is too, because he's the one that's been keeping grandpa updated. I sort of get where dad's coming from; even though Mom's a grown up, it's got to be hard to tell a man his daughter is dying. I don't know.

I actually called him because I was depressed and thought talking to him would distract me (I'm probably a poor granddaughter but he wasn't even my first choice). That was a bad idea; I'm going to have to remember to never call him when I'm depressed ever again. Because this is how it went down.

Grandpa: so how's work going?
Me: (I hate it so much I cry in the bathroom before my shift sometimes thinking about having to do this job one more day) Eh...
Grandpa: So have you found a handsome guy?
Me: I had a handsome guy but then he broke up with me.
Grandpa: So is your mother going out to dinner with you guys tonight?
Me: (she has not been anywhere but the couch except for cancer treatments since March) No.
Grandpa: I think I'm going to visit soon.
Me: That would be cool.
Grandpa: And work? You're working every day?
Me: yes

Ad nauseum.

Before that, I was just sort of lying around, feeling sick in general. I've noticed that after the initial rush of well-being I felt at improving my diet, I've been feeling sick about as much or more than I was before, only much less pain per episode. I guess that's better, but not as much better as I had hoped for, given the earlier success. The thing is, people have two sides of the spectrum: diahrea, and constipation. When they're in the middle, they're good. I, however, can never be in the middle and totally good, and the few times I am in the middle, I get both bad things. Constipation causes pain, pain, pain so I guess I try to aim more towards the diahrea side. So... yeah, I've just been feeling sort of sick and diahreay the last few days (as opposed to hours long episodes of knife stabbing pain before that). It kind of killed my progress at cleaning the place and attempting to get things done.

After the talk with Grandpa, the day got somewhat better, I decided to cheer myself up the american way (go out and buy stuff). I rarely, rarely ever buy clothes for myself but I decided to get a skirt because I need more pants or skirts because I'm too fat for the ones I have now. So I got a pretty skirt for myself so I can feel like less of a fat slob. Then I went out and bought some soy cheese. I am curious to see if it makes me feel bad as real cheese, and if it tastes any good. The only downside, if I like it, is that it is insanely expensive. Then they had a HUGE carton of blueberrys on sale that I bought. They look ripe and fresh and delicious. I'm thinking of maybe making some yogurt parfaits since I have all the yogurt right now, or finding a smoothie recipe or something.

Then I went to dinner with my dad, because it's his birthday. It was mainly good, I worked more with the Phew on his delivery of "do you have tickets to the gun show? They're right over there." The food was tasty. My dad also gave me something to think about, he had an article on how they're needing technicians for windmill farms now that people are trying harder for natural energy, and maybe I could see if I could get that sort of job, which seems really interesting. One thing I was sort of annoyed with my dad about--I had e-mailed him a few days ago I finally had read and made notes on what I thought of the obituary he wrote for mom. He asked me if I had it, and I was like, "No. I didn't want to bring it to your birthday celebration." Who brings a man's wife's obituary to him on his birthday? Not me. He's so anxious to have it that he wanted to stop by my place after dinner (which he ended up doing on his own, I had stuff I had to do afterwards, which I told him).

Which, about the obituary: once I got over the hump of actually making myself read it, I found that I mostly didn't care. The only thing I care about is her living, and since I can't have that, I don't care that much about anything else. She's not going to be there to see it or care. It seems pointless. I don't know if my Dad & sister think I'm not pulling my weight, because I don't have an opinion on any of this, but... I dunno. I pointed out a gramatical mistake or two, and then did not write anything about the one thing that DID annoy me about the obit, which was that it started out with, "After a courageous struggle with lung cancer, (my mom's name) passed away on _________." Yeah, her struggle is SO courageous that it inspired you to give up on her and predict for her to fail in this "struggle" several months ahead of time, with a convenient blank to fill in for the exact date.

After dinner I went to hang out with Julie (who was in town, yay!) & co in Danvers for awhile, which was fun. I got my ass handed to me in an interesting game called infernal contraption, and we played some rock band. Julie got me some ENORMOUS 20 sided dice for my Minja. It was a lot better than the day started.

TAINT

So I was thinking about Josh's taint the other day....

does any other post begin more promisingly? Anyway, I promise it's not gross. In fact, I don't think I could draw a realistic taint if my life depended on it.

Which is probably a good thing. Anyway, I'm pretty sure the number of circumstances in which you are forced to draw a realistic taint in order to save your life are pretty small. I want to say there are 5, at the maximum.

Anyway, new comic: Taint

PS: TAINT! Tainty taint taint taint taintety taint!

PPS: I was really, really, inclined to add "Do you know what that's like for me? I LOVE the Dells at this time of year!"

then, "I panned for gold there once"

then, "all I got was this lousy rose quartz, though."

But I realized you would have to have a REALLY specific knowledge of my vacation to the Wisconsin Dells when I was 8 to get any of that.

Today I hung out with my parents. I bought my dad lunch, he bought me dinner, and we saw the x files. It's an alright movie, I was glad that it was mostly stand-alone and I didn't have to dredge up my memories of what convoluted wheelings and deelings the cigarette smoking man had or didn't have like 8 years ago. It was basically like a long episode of the x-files, it wasn't bad, but it didn't sell me on "why we decided to make a movie a bajillion years after the show went off the air."

Speaking of which, I did mean to go into more (spoilery) details about Batman awhile ago. I don't know what it is about Batman, but part of me itches to analyze it. I mean, a lot of movies are way too high level for me to want to bother analyzing, and a lot of movies are too shallow to have anything to analyze, but I guess Batman is right in the center.

Anyway, the number one thing that irritated me about the movie was Batman mackin' on a woman who he already had his chance with, who is involved in a relationship already. Batman, as you can see by the way they ended the movie, has an enormous streak of self-sacrifice, and really strong morals. Plus, he really respected Harvey Dent. We see this almost exact situation in Casablanca. The resistance needs Victor Laszlo. Victor needs Ilsa. Rick loves Ilsa but gives her up for the good of the cause. That's what Batman should do, dammit! He's Batman!

I also find that breaking that machine that tracks everything not really believable. I mean, I see Morgan Freeman's objections to it, because I am a fan of civil liberties and my privacy and all that, but seriously, for Batman to give up that tracking ability? In a city that is well-known for breeding psychotic freaks more than willing to blow half of it up? Batman is going to be kicking himself the next time the Joker breaks out of Arkham.

Speaking of random villians, can anyone explain Scarecrow's brief role in this one? I have a feeling there was some part of the movie that explained it, but they needed to cut it out because the movie's already so long. But I can't tell whether he was on the side of the batman wannabes, or if they captured him. And if he is good and on their side, why? But if the wannabes captured him, how did it become that easy. I know he had Liam Neeson on his side last time, but still, a good portion of the last movie was dedicated to how difficult it was to catch Scarecrow. And either way, I don't see Batman not trying to detain him afterwards to take him to jail or something himself.

But I still loved Michael Caine and Gary Oldman. I think they give a lot of warmth and humanity to the story and to Batman. I mean, the love story is supposed to do that, but whatever. I found Gary Oldman talking to his child when he thinks they might die much more heart-wrenching than the death of the female lead. And I believed the fatherly love between Michael Caine & Batman a lot stronger and relatable than the romantic love between Bale & Gylenhaal.

Back to my day: I gave my mom this Neil Diamond CD. Which, she is crazy about his music. I kind of didn't know whether she'd care or not, she never really gets up from this one spot, and it is nowhere near the stereo. My dad, however, had the idea that we could play it on the computer, which is near there, so she did listen to it today.

My dad said I seemed perkier than I had been in awhile. I was surprised, because I hadn't thought anything good had happened since the last time I saw him, in fact something bad happened (one of the job postings I interviewed for finally got back to me and they don't want me) but I was thinking about it, and the last week has been pretty good.

--I'm finally getting some sleep. Before that I was going off sleeping pills again (I was taking so many it made me shake) and it was a lengthy and unpleasant process. I am totally unstable when I don't get enough sleep. I'm not joking--I literally begin to resemble a schizophrenic if I lack enough sleep. And when it's not bad enough to make me schizophrenic, I'm at least depressed and cranky.

--Josh and I are solidifying our friendship, and I'm worrying less about him moving to Michigan (it seems like he's patching things up with his roommate). This is an enormous relief, because no matter how much I try to stand on my own two feet, I lean on him a lot, and if things aren't good with us, it makes everything feel worse.

--He also cleaned my house the last time he was here, which has improved my mood. I mean, there's still a lot of cleaning I should do, but he did so much and I don't feel like I'm living like an animal anymore. It also gives me the motivation to work on the other cleaning.

--I have been eating more colitis-friendly since I went to the grocery store last, and it has been helpful. I've made a rule: no cheese two meals in a row (surprisingly hard to follow that rule, but I'm working on it). I've also picked up some of that yogurt that is supposed to make you regular. The yogurt isn't exactly designed to solve my problem, but I figure it can't hurt. I got some Silk yogurt, too, which surprisingly: tastes exactly like regular yogurt. I made meatloaf, and bought some fruit. I'm showering more regularly. I feel like I'm taking care of myself more and it is helping.

So hopefully things stay better.

Don't worry, no spoilers.

phoemeister (3:05:06 PM): my dad and I just saw batman
phoemeister (3:05:20 PM): it was good though there were things that annoyed me about it
phoemeister (3:05:27 PM): and it made me cry :|
Suibrom (3:05:40 PM): like what?
phoemeister (3:05:45 PM): have you seen it yet?
Suibrom (3:05:48 PM): nope
phoemeister (3:05:58 PM): oh well I won't spoil you on the things that annoyed me
phoemeister (3:06:15 PM): the thing that made me cry is at one point they threaten Lieutenant Gordon's son
phoemeister (3:06:24 PM): I dunno why, wouldn't normally do it to me
Suibrom (3:06:43 PM): hmm
phoemeister (3:07:26 PM): oh well
Suibrom (3:08:47 PM): I've heard that it's quite disturbing and dark
phoemeister (3:09:13 PM): I dunno. I guess it is but I'm not that sensitive to disturbing
phoemeister (3:09:22 PM): I mean it's more disturbing than like, the orig. batman
phoemeister (3:09:27 PM): but it's not like Sin City or anything
phoemeister (3:10:28 PM): Oh and I saw the trailer for the Watchmen. I contend that anything that has a trailer of a sexy woman walking around in slow motion to a shitty smashing pumpkins song is not something I'm going to be excited about.
Suibrom (3:11:04 PM): aww watchmen should be cool
phoemeister (3:11:12 PM): the trailer sucks though
phoemeister (3:13:58 PM): even you have to admit that a shitty smashing pumpkins song is.... well... shitty

afds

phoemeister (12:29:14 AM): at least I didn't send you what I bought yesterday
Ryan (12:29:35 AM): haha what's that?
phoemeister (12:30:02 AM): the new Wolf Parade
Ryan (12:30:11 AM): how is it?
phoemeister (12:30:30 AM): Eh... not as good as the other one. I don't know if you'd think that is good or bad considering how you felt about the other.
phoemeister (12:30:46 AM): A lot more slower tempo less catchy songs. So I may like it in time, but not that much now.
phoemeister (12:31:08 AM): I don't even know if it's wolf parade's fault, though. I haven't really liked anything or listened to much music-wise for awhile now
Ryan (12:33:07 AM): I'll just go ahead and blame wolf parade

So I looked at the stuff I have up on deviant art after a long, long time and the funny thing is: I can't remember how I did most of them or how I would ever replicate any of it.

Eh.

Today was... interesting. I started off talking to Rebecca for the first time in months. She was in town and could hang out for about an hour. Of course, since Murphy's law is so fond of me, it was exactly at the one day all week I had anything planned. The thing I had planned was D & D. Which, even though I really like D & D with the group, I probably would've generally had no problems with going there late except this time they'd already all moved the schedule up because I had something after, and then the DM is busy the next two weekends after this. Plus, I'd just woken up so I don't mind saying my brain was a little rusty.

So I was sort of like, "I don't think I can, I have D & D," which probably sounded jerkish, but whatever. But then I was thinking about how much I want to see her, and this has been my first chance since Christmas, and I was like, "I really need to see if I can make this happen." So I called up a member of the D & D group, and he didn't think it was that dickish of me to be late given the circumstances. So I tried calling her back several times, and didn't get her until she was back in Champaign.

So that made me sad, but I did still go to D & D afterwards and that was pretty good. Then I had the aforementioned nephew's party which was kind of shit, but I expected it. He's got so many toys that he wasn't really excited about any of his gifts, and then he randomly ignored me at one point when I was trying to talk to him. I got free pizza though. Except it didn't agree with my colon all that well, which I already knew it wouldn't. I'd already turned down pizza earlier in the day, though, and couldn't do it twice. Why do you have to be so damn irresistable, pizza? And yet so unpleasant to my colon?

I've had to cut down a LOT on cheese lately which sucks, because anyone who knows me knows that cheese makes up about 90% of my diet. I mean, I still feel sick most of the time, but it doesn't hurt as much without cheese as with cheese. I still haven't made an appointment with my poop doctor, because I don't think he can really do anything, but I am tossing around the idea anyway, esp. if I can get him to write a note to my job saying, "back up, fuckers, she's really sick."

I hate everything. So I guess most stuff is going as usual.

First off, Josh said he thinks he is probably going to move back to Michigan soon (he has his reasons, but all anyone who reads this probably needs to know is that it's not anything to do with me). Which.... I hate. I mean, one reason it sucks is he doesn't even want to do it and I think he'll hate it. But my big reason is I'm selfish and I hate it because everyone who moves away stops talking to me. Everyone. Plus talking on the phone isn't the same as hanging out. Josh and I actually did hang out some today and yesterday, and it was so good. I really, really think we could make the transition to friends and be great friends. But he's going to leave, and gradually or suddenly stop talking to me like even the people who don't move do, and the one person on this earth I'm closest to is going to be gone.

I wonder why people don't miss me the way I do. I mean... I especially don't get people who I was really close to letting it go, but I do have retarded thoughts about people I wasn't even close to. "Gee, so and so is so great. I wonder how they're doing." I wonder why people find it so easy to grow apart from me, I think I try. I know other people who've had long friendships, even over distance. Why do I lack that sort of staying power with people?

Second: my colon tried to kill me. It hurt really, really badly. Which has been happening a lot lately, so if I ever get off my ass I will probably go see my poop doctor. But the awful thing is I had to take off work, and I have too many absences already and I will probably never ever get promoted from my current position. I really want to be like "fuck it" and quit this motherfucking job, but I don't want to waste the year I stayed with it just so that I could get promoted to something else in the company. I don't even fucking know if I want to stay with the company, I just know that I hate any job I am qualified for, so I might as well stay with a place that has sweet-ass benefits and good pay. But if I have to work there much longer I'm going to have to quit and work nowhere and live under a bridge because I hate it so, so much that it's one more awful thing in my life that I can't handle right now.

by the way

I want to rip off the Cancer Center of America's nutsack, if it has one. And feed it to the Cancer Center of America. If it has nuts but no mouth, that's fucked up, but I guess I would cut them a mouth hole to shove their nuts in.

Anyway I think they're sadistic bastards because they advertise so goddamn much. Seriously, EVERY ad break. Which is awesome, because it makes anyone with cancer or related to someone who is dying of cancer, unable to fucking forget about it for one goddamn second.

The worst when my Dad was helping my mom stand up so she could go to the bathroom. Some detached part of me I created during my time as a film minor in college noted that I could currently BE in a movie as I watched my mom struggle to even stand up on my left, while simultaneously a recovered cancer patient on the TV to the right beams and bubbles and tells us there is always hope. Except if I were making a movie, I would never do that because it's so fucking cheesy. I didn't even like experiencing it by accident, because my mom IS dying and their stupid fucking false promises just make me want to drive to chicago, burn down the entire building, and then tell EVERYONE it was me.

So I made this for Julie, and it's based on something I orig. made for Josh, but I feel proud of it, so I'm going to share. And if anyone ever took me up on it, I would be happy to do them a solid.* (click on it to see it at a size you can actually read)






Yes, I have made all these colors at one time or another. I've even made white (that was with some help from barium, whereas the others are pure me). The only thing I have yet to make is the all-elusive blue.
_____________________
* Well, it's kind of liquidy but you get the picture

well

This is actually a comment I left on a friend's blog, but it tickled me too much to not put it here:

PS: my poo came out EXACTLY this color yesterday (yes, I am indeed the sort of person that will look up and memorize the hexidecimal number for my poo colors). I mean, I make a lot of weird colors but I think this is right up there with the time it came out traffic cone orange.

Sometimes I worry that people will think I've always been the way I am.

I can't let anyone into my house because it is disgustingly unkempt. I don't mean clutter. I mean remnants of rotting food clinging to paper plates stacked up entire the place. And the remnants of rotting food that is left on the carpet every time any of those stacks shift. I'm not an animal, I haven't always lived like one, I'm going through a tough time.

I hate that I'm so obviously needy. I hate that I cry all the time, over nothing, over a goddamn episode of Scrubs, over EVERY episode of Scrubs. I hate that I am more afraid of serial killers, armegeddon, and yes, piranha. I hate that if someone doesn't talk to me for two days, I suddenly think they hate me and/or have severely injured themselves somehow. I don't cry like this usually, even when I'm depressed. I'm not a cry baby. I'm not this neurotic. Except that I am. Currently.

I can't let anyone notice I wear the same two (unfortunately similar looking) pairs of pants every day because I've gotten too fat for the others I own and am too stubborn to buy more. Or the all too obvious decline in my personal hygiene.

I hate that I have to make excuses like this, so that I don't hate myself any more than I do already.

I'm not like this. This is not me. I'M NOT THIS FUCKING WHINY. It is temporary. At least, I hope it is.

I FUCKING HATE WHERE I LIVE

One goddamn day this summer I would just like to not be woken up early by a lawn mower. And kept up.

I like the inside of my place. I decorated it. I have more space.

But the soundproofing is so goddamn shitty I want to scream. Anytime anyone does anything outside, I hear it. The downstairs neighbors make so much as a peep (and trust me, they do more than peep) I hear it. I used to live on a much busier street and I rarely heard anything, and if I did, it was usually a car that would pass and then go away, not spend 18 hours being industrially loud across the street from me.

During the winter, I DREAMED of nice weather so I wouldn't have to hear the snow plow going at it 8 minutes under my window, but I forgot about fucking lawnmowers.

And yeah, I know it's dickish to say that 10 am is early, but you know what? I work second shift, I'm under a lot of stress right now, SOMETIMES I DON'T FALL ASLEEP UNTIL VERY LATE. I conclude with: @#$%^&*(*&^%%%$^&_*#@@!#$^&**(*((

Where does glitter come from?

Supervillian

I had a good time hangin' out with the peeps this Saturday, being a douchebaggy rogue AKA Minja (midget + Ninja) in D & D, eatin' food, makin' weird jokes, of which the above is a reference to. I think it stands on its own pretty well too.

I think I need help, but I don't know what to do. That one therapist I saw just sucked so much.

I basically cry every day. The post I posted last, the happy one, I thought it was a semi-permenant change but it lasted one day. And now I'm back to crying. I have started taking so many sleeping pills at night to shut it out that they basically don't work anymore so I am up all night, like now.

I had two job interviews today (well, yesterday now) and it just sucked. I'm under their microscope, I have to show them why I'm the best for their stupid job I don't want anyway. I fucking know full well that I can do those jobs, it's BARELY a step above the one I do now, and considering a trained monkey could do my job, I doubt these two are that much harder. But instead I have to do their stupid behavioral questions about how I fucked up once and how I learned from it or how I promote teamwork. Listen you fuckers, my job is not a team job. I talk to the customers, they talk to me, they either like what I do or don't. It has nothing to do with anyone else, I succeed or fail by my own merits. But I feel like they'll never hire me for that job, let alone the one two levels up I'm REALLY interested in in the department. It makes me feel like a worthless sack of shit.

I called Josh, and of course he wasn't available. I should stop going to him when I need a friend, because of all the stuff between us he has trouble dealing with it. And it hurts me more when I can't talk to him than when other people aren't available, even when it's not his fault. I always feel like I need to talk to someone, but I always feel like I'm imposing when I do. He used to be the one who didn't make me feel like that, like I could go to him for anything, and now I feel it double. I feel like he and I are going to drift apart no matter how hard I try to stay friends with him, just like all my other friends drift away, and I'll just die. Because I remember when he was so into me. Like I was actually worth something and was someone's favorite person in the world. I've had best friends, but I've never BEEN someone else's best friend. I've always felt like my parents loved my sister more. And to go from finally being the center of someone else's world to just drifting away into nothing? I don't know if I can take it. It makes me feel like a worthless sack of shit.

And I started thinking about how I was pretty melancholy for a kid when I was growing up, I had a definite lack of friends there as well. And what I'd do in the middle of the night when I was sad and didn't want to be alone is go out to my mom in the kitchen, because she stayed up way later than the rest of the family and would still be out there, and pretend like my stomach was hurting so I could stay up and talk to her and not be alone. But of course, I'm a grown up and can't do that. And even if I did still live with them, she'll never be around again and I don't know how to deal with that either. I just want to kick and scream and tear something apart. I want to ask the universe why the fuck it needs to repeatedly kick me while I'm down like that. I lost my love, my friendship, my direction in life, and I can't even rely on the things most 26 year olds can take for granted, like their parents or even their health. What am I supposed to do?

And then of course, the most depressing thought, the thought that I pretty much think, all day most days: it is always going to be like this.

Today rocked as much as the last few days have sucked reasons.

--I haven't cried! At all! CRAZYNESS!

--Josh & I are friends again!

--I feel like my friends really do care, which I had crazily not felt about most of them lately.

--I got an interview for another position in my company! I actually started aiming lower than I had previously, but I actually am really really interested in the job I got the interview for. I also scored a SECOND interview, though I am less excited about that job. My boss also set up a mock interview for me tomorrow and I intend to rock it like a hurricane and use it to rock the real interview like a hurricane, and ending up the happiest person ever.

--I feel like I actually am connecting with people at work. Like, I technically don't have real friends that I hang out with, but no less than 3 people I work with engaged me in conversation today, and most of it wasn't awful work stuff, it was stuff that showed they actually care, or at least like my bizzare sense of humor. That's not counting my boss, who seemed almost as happy as I am about the interviews. No matter what you say about my company, one thing is you can tell they actually want you to succeed, and I'm glad.

--No really bad poops

fasd

So today at work I started having really bad, painful poops that were hard to get out. If it ever gets that bad, usually I go home. On top of that I had a headache, and my back and butt hurt. But lately, I've racked up a lot of absences. My supervisor, who has been really cool, warned me at one point that I will get in trouble soon if I keep getting them and it will go on my record. And I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, etc. onto infinity want to get promoted. I hate my job so much that sometimes even thinking of working there one more day makes me cry in the bathroom for 15 minutes before I start work. So I stuck it out.

Until 9:55 when I could leave. So I left.

And when I got home I realized it was 8:55.

I stayed there almost that whole time in fucking AGONY to avoid having an absence on my record. I worked so damn hard to avoid the absence....... and then I got one. Then I had to call up my supervisor and tell him, which was even worse. I feel like even my own excuses aren't plausible anymore. "Oh I can't work, I have colitis." "Oh, I can't work I have bronchitis." "Oh I was late to work someone slashed my tires," "Oh, I can't work I'm too depressed." And now... "Oh, I left early because I can't read." I cried on the phone, which I didn't want to do, because it makes me feel like I'm this fake busting out the crying at will whenever I want to make him okay an absence. He said it was alright but seriously.... I feel about one inch tall.

So I lost my security badge to get in and out of work. That's annoying, but what makes me sadder is I lost the Border's lanyard I had it on. I don't know why, but I was emotionally attached to the lanyard, and I can never replace it. Even it I did go to Borders and weirdly asked someone I know for a new one, it wouldn't be the same color as the ones from when I worked there.

In other news, last night I dreamt like 80 dreams (unusual for me) and they were ALL about Josh, Meijer, and Scrubs. In every dream, everyone flickered in and out of being scrubs characters (I'm not going to bother mentiong the switches to and back). Every dream was set in Meijer. One of them was not about Josh, it was about some light beer commercial set in Meijer. The "gimmick" was that the people were talking about buying beer, but they didn't have any in their shopping cart. Then you see the beer, and it's so light that it's on the ceiling. I don't know if a real ad like that exists, or I made it up. I had another dream where I started getting special discounts from Meijer because I had spent over 10,000 in there this year. Then when I got out of the store, I found out Josh was in town and he hadn't even told me. It turns out he had gotten kicked out of his home, and was living with someone up here. I was mad that he hadn't told me or chose me to live with. Also he was lighting a bag of poo and fireworks on fire to prank some friend of his. Then I drove away with my parents, and they taught me a valuable lesson on seatbelt safety. I had another dream where Josh was cheating on me (I guess we were still together in this dream) with his roommate's girlfriend. I caught them making out in Meijer. I had another dream where Josh got me hooked on cocaine, and then we hung out in Meijer. I had another dream where Josh had hidden cameras, taped every moment of us together, edited together the ones where I say something snarky and sarcastic, and gave it to Meijer so they could show it on all the little TV's they have in their checkout lines.

Why am I THIS obsessed with Meijer? I mean I get why it's all Josh, Josh, Josh. Maybe even the Scrubs bits, cause I've watched it a lot lately. But Meijer?

Meh

I hate it when people post lyrics. But... this is so totally the case, other than the bit about being half the world away. Except, of course, for the fact that I might as well be. Oh and the bit about not writing goodbyes is wrong too, because I presently will be helping to proofread her obituary.


Ever since I was young your word is the word that always won.
Worry and wake the ones you love.
A phone call I'd rather not receive.
Please use my body while I sleep.
My lungs are fresh and yours to keep,
Kept clean and they will let you breathe.

Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind.

Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these,
so I sat alone and waited out the night.
The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed.
So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around.
I'm not writing my goodbyes.

I submit no excuse.
If this is what I have to do I owe you every day I wake.
If I could I would shrink myself and sink through your skin to your blood cells
and remove whatever makes you hurt but I am too weak to be your cure.

I'm not letting you check out.
You will beat this starting now and you will always be around.
I'm there to monitor your breathing
I will watch you while you're sleeping.
I will keep you safe and sound.
Does anybody remember back when you were very young.
Did you ever think that you would be this blessed?

Yes, it's an emo song.

And of course I am feeling the Predatory Wasp of the Palisades too right now. Which is not emo, but might as well be.

I can't explain the state that I'm in
The state of my heart, he was my best friend
My friend is gone, he ran away
I can tell you, I love him each day
Though we have sparred, wrestled and raged
I can tell you I love him each day

And of course Fred Jones

There was no party, there were no songs
'Cause today's just a day like the day that he started
No one is left here that knows his first name
Yeah, and life barrels on like a runaway train
Where the passengers change
They don't change anything
You get off; someone else can get on

Yeah, and all of these bastards
Have taken his place
He's forgotten but not yet gone

Other awesome things that've happened lately:

--My grandpa is sick

--lost my MP3 player. Not only that, it had the few songs I was able to save off my old computer. And, of course, I'd not backed them up onto my new computer again.