I think I need help, but I don't know what to do. That one therapist I saw just sucked so much.

I basically cry every day. The post I posted last, the happy one, I thought it was a semi-permenant change but it lasted one day. And now I'm back to crying. I have started taking so many sleeping pills at night to shut it out that they basically don't work anymore so I am up all night, like now.

I had two job interviews today (well, yesterday now) and it just sucked. I'm under their microscope, I have to show them why I'm the best for their stupid job I don't want anyway. I fucking know full well that I can do those jobs, it's BARELY a step above the one I do now, and considering a trained monkey could do my job, I doubt these two are that much harder. But instead I have to do their stupid behavioral questions about how I fucked up once and how I learned from it or how I promote teamwork. Listen you fuckers, my job is not a team job. I talk to the customers, they talk to me, they either like what I do or don't. It has nothing to do with anyone else, I succeed or fail by my own merits. But I feel like they'll never hire me for that job, let alone the one two levels up I'm REALLY interested in in the department. It makes me feel like a worthless sack of shit.

I called Josh, and of course he wasn't available. I should stop going to him when I need a friend, because of all the stuff between us he has trouble dealing with it. And it hurts me more when I can't talk to him than when other people aren't available, even when it's not his fault. I always feel like I need to talk to someone, but I always feel like I'm imposing when I do. He used to be the one who didn't make me feel like that, like I could go to him for anything, and now I feel it double. I feel like he and I are going to drift apart no matter how hard I try to stay friends with him, just like all my other friends drift away, and I'll just die. Because I remember when he was so into me. Like I was actually worth something and was someone's favorite person in the world. I've had best friends, but I've never BEEN someone else's best friend. I've always felt like my parents loved my sister more. And to go from finally being the center of someone else's world to just drifting away into nothing? I don't know if I can take it. It makes me feel like a worthless sack of shit.

And I started thinking about how I was pretty melancholy for a kid when I was growing up, I had a definite lack of friends there as well. And what I'd do in the middle of the night when I was sad and didn't want to be alone is go out to my mom in the kitchen, because she stayed up way later than the rest of the family and would still be out there, and pretend like my stomach was hurting so I could stay up and talk to her and not be alone. But of course, I'm a grown up and can't do that. And even if I did still live with them, she'll never be around again and I don't know how to deal with that either. I just want to kick and scream and tear something apart. I want to ask the universe why the fuck it needs to repeatedly kick me while I'm down like that. I lost my love, my friendship, my direction in life, and I can't even rely on the things most 26 year olds can take for granted, like their parents or even their health. What am I supposed to do?

And then of course, the most depressing thought, the thought that I pretty much think, all day most days: it is always going to be like this.