Continuing the theme of how butt-hurt I am about life right now, last night I had a woman scream "asshole!" at me, and another who said, "Why do you even answer the phone? You're a big waste of everyone's time."

WHY WHY WHY? I need to quit and get another job, I guess. I just feel like all the time I have spent at this retarded job will be wasted if I don't stick with it to get a promotion.

Plus the economy's so shitty right now that my already bad chances at getting anything non-soul killing will be even worse. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.

Then I spoke with Rebecca last night, which is a whole sub-category of bad in and of itself. Now this is purely from my perspective, which obviously is flawed, I have no idea why she is acting the way she is. She might have valid reasons, but I am having difficulties figuring them out. But basically I feel like she abandoned me when I needed people the most, but I was too much of a pussy to come out and say it to her and came off of as this passive agressive jackass. You see, the trouble with saying what you mean is that it often drives people away. And when the people are already drifting away, you don't want to push them farther. But the trouble with halfway saying what you mean is you do push them away still, but they get mad at you for lying to them on top of any anger they would've felt anyways for what you said. But yeah, that's it. I sort of told her I was mad that she hasn't talked to me, but then immediately took it back and pretended like I hadn't said it. She in turn seems mad at me, even before this, and I can't figure out why. Every time I talk to her it's this big horrible thing, but I can't help trying because I miss her so damn much.

Then I retardedly forwarded the conver onto my best friend to see if he could make heads or tails of it or figure out why she is mad to me. Unfortunately, my best friend is Josh and I forgot that we discussed him in there briefly. See, Rebecca's opinion of Josh is that he's psychotic. Because basically all she knows about the breakup is I IMed her one day, "Josh and I broke up because he secretly hates me." That was basically the whole conversation, because she refuses talk to me other than IM, and the only time she could access the internet was at work, she got busy after that and never got any clarification. She thought he genuinely stayed with me for some reason for six months secretly hating my guts for some reason the whole time. What I meant was he didn't really love me anymore and had been unhappy for a good chunk of the relationship. And since she thinks he's crazy, she dislikes him. SO I wasn't about to just admit that he's my best friend, we still occaisionally accidently sleep together, I love him more than anything, and even so I'm content with how things are going right now, and I don't mind doing the work to transition from what we were to regular friends. I said men are too much trouble, I'd rather masturbate, there's only one man I want and I can't have him. She said that keeping him close is making it difficult for me to get over him. Instead of defending him and saying that even DURING multiple breakups he was closer to me and supported me more through this difficult time in my life more than any of my supposedly "close" friends, including her, I just kept it short and said that I'm not about to get rid of the only close friend I have living in this area. So of course he feels bad that he's supposedly ruining me and keeping me from moving on. He feels like he's fucking me up worse. He feels like I'm only friends with him because I can't get anyone else to be my friend.

Well newsflash: it took me 25 years to get a boyfriend in the first place, it's not like I've been having all these great opportunities to hook up with people and am turning them down because of him. Also: losing my best friend at this point over some stupid conversation I had would fuck me up way worse than getting over him slower. Lastly I DO have friends but he is still my favorite, because he is a caring, thoughtful, fun person no matter how much he thinks he isn't, and I do feel close to him--which IS admittedly rare for me these days but would be valuable even if it wasn't rare.

Lastly today was just crappy too. My grandpa visited. I know he was having health difficulites at the time, but I'm kind of mad at him that he didn't see mom before she died. I mean, he was alright to fly to New Hampshire and visit his girlfriend's relatives, but he wasn't alright to fly here? And of course this meant hanging out with my sister too, because basically all he cares about is seeing her kids. The times he did talk to me it was about my job which is my least favorite thing of all time to talk about. Then of course the Phew was being a brat again and it's painful to be around him at all anymore.