dad

In general, I am bad at cheering people up. I can't tell you how many times I've had people just not like it when I try. Anyway, I'm beginning to think it might be a hereditary trait.

Today my dad came over to help me get my caremark card, which, I've been meaning to do for awhile. But then of course there were 18 different home improvement projects he wanted to help me with. Which, I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth, I probably couldn't do any of this on my own and it is awesome of him to help, but I don't usually feel like doing them even when I'm in a good mood, and I'm certainly not in a good mood now. But we got through that.

Then he just started in on everything again. He and I have sort of been in conflict recently, because I told him that therapist said I should maybe try antidepressants. And I told him I don't know yet, but I have been fairly depressed for awhile. Except for a brief window when I started at Borders, I've pretty much been depressed since high school, and even then I wasn't really peppy mcpepperson. And again I got into how I think most of the choices I've made with my life suck, and I've wasted a lot of time so far doing jobs I hate, and I've acquired no marketable skills. Which, it's sort of an arguement, and it made me feel worse, so I ended up crying again. Which is the second time since all this started when we've gotten into an argument and it's made me feel even worse.

I know he's trying his best and all, it's just hard.

life

So I still don't feel awesome, but I am getting a lot better. I think the second email Josh sent where he said he hadn't secretly hated me the whole time did a lot to make me feel better, and when we finally talked and put an end to this whole thing. I've gone from crying all the time to being mostly normal most of the time, with a few unfortunate moodswings. They're getting less intense and less long, though. I've gotten to the point where I can usually distract myself with a mind-numbing game or talking to a friend. Ryan and Tina have been especially helpful in this respect, for which I thank them.

The stuff with my mom is still sort of there, but now that I'm not so upset about everything, I'm getting better at pushing it all to the back burner for now.

And I do miss Josh, so much. And I think we are going to still be friends. It just isn't the same though, and I miss him. But it's not constantly dominating my every waking moment anymore, which is good.

So as of last night Josh and I are officially broken up. He sent me another email that was nicer than the last one, basically apologetic for what a crappy person he thinks he is. I couldn't tell whether or not he wanted to break up so I called him until he finally talked to me. He said he did want to break up. He wouldn't tell me whether or not he still loves me, which I wish I knew. I told him I felt like he didn't really like me for a long time and our whole relationship was a lie, but he said he did love me for most of it, which made me feel better. We are going to try to be friends, which also makes me feel better. I already lost my boyfriend, I don't want to lose him as my best friend either.

However I still do feel shitty. I feel sort of bad that even though I do feel bad about my mom, I feel worse about my break up. I went to Borders yesterday because I couldn't stand being alone in this house anymore, but then there was no one good there. I realized I didn't belong there anymore, but I haven't found anywhere else I belong either, and that depressed me. I don't know how to belong again, the first time, it was a fluke. Then I just hung around various shops in the area, like Shoe Carnival, Petco, etc. cause I didn't feel like going home again, until I could tell they were getting annoyed with me hanging around not buying anything.

Today I had my first session of therapy, and I'm sort of underwhelmed. Her basic thing about the break up and my mom is to just keep crying and stuff cause I need to get all that out. Her advice about how I hate my job and don't know how to make friends is "you'll find that again someday" even though I explained that I don't even know what job I want, even the stupid stepping stone jobs like going into claims are hard to get into, and I don't know how it was easy to make friends one freaking time in my life, and if I knew how to make friends, I would have more already. She said to not worry so much abour work or no friends while I'm grieving my mom and my relationship. But it's all tied in. I feel defective, and not just because of how things went with Josh.

I have this thing like drunk dial at night when I'm trying to fall asleep, only its when I'm sad and sober. I've usually been crying for hours, and I feel like I'll go crazy if I can't stop it, and the only thing I can do is call someone.

So I called Josh. And I left a message that was basically like, "You owe me some sort of closure. If you are breaking up with me tell me. And do it over the phone, I deserve better than some crappy email breakup."

Then I called my dad, and we talked for hours. I think one reason I feel so bad about this whole thing is that I feel like I'm defective and valueless to everyone. Because I don't have friends, and employers aren't fond of me either. And Josh, being the only person not related to me (i.e. my parents HAVE to love me unless they're completely awful) who didn't think i was defective, going ahead and doing this to me, just pulled the rug out from underneath my feet. I'm not saying he shouldn't break up with me, because the email he sent me sounds like he's not liked me for a real long time. In fact, he should've probably broken up with me ages ago. But anyway, I think what I needed was just someone to talk to about this. I've felt so alone. I signed up for therapy for christ's sake.

Anyway this morning when I woke up, I didn't feel awesome, but at least I'm not crying constantly.

Of course, Josh has still not emailed me back or phoned me. Though to give him the benefit of the doubt, latter is probably because he's either at work right now and/or because he doesn't know I left work early yesterday/am not working today because my supervisor let me have some time off since I was crying on the phone.

Oh anyway, like I said, I don't fault him for breaking up with me, I just fault him for the way he's doing it. Secretly hating me for months, and not telling me. Then letting it all bottle up to the point where he kicked me out on our anniversary, lying about it not being something I did. Then torturing me with silence until I did a sad non-drunk drunk dial. Then sending me an email spelling out his loathing for me, complete with wild accusations. Then torturing me with silence again. Are you breaking up with me or aren't you? Just tell me so I can get on with my life.

If you are reading this, Josh, I meant it about still being friends. But yeah, I am kind of angry at you, and my blog is where I vent. So you probably don't want to read any entries in the next few days or so unless you like bitter recriminations against yourself.

asdf

So last night I was pretty depressed. I thought of calling a suicide hotline. I don't want to kill myself or anything, I just wanted to talk to someone. I cried for hours and hours. I was trying to be strong and not bother Josh while he was trying to be alone and work out whatever his problem was. Anyway I finally txted him "how could you do this to me again? I told you what it was like last time." Cause the last time we fought I cried and cried then too, and I told him what it was like.

Anyway I guess we're probably going to break up now. To be honest, I was already thinking about it. I can't take the crying all the time. I thought maybe since I still love him it might be enough to stay together, but I don't think he loves me anymore. He sent me this big long email that's basically about how everything I do annoys him and he doesn't like hanging out with me more than a day or two at a time because I get old pretty quickly. I don't really get why he started disliking me and the things I do, because I haven't really changed at all, but I guess that's his perogative. He can't be the only one who feels that way, as most of my other friends don't talk to me either.

I think where I work we get access to 5 free sessions of therapy or something, and I'm looking into getting mine. I don't think this crying all the time is probably good, because I've even had it when we were just having a regular argument.

more self pity

I guess it's finally hit me about my mom. At first I was worried that I wasn't sad or worried enough, but now I think about it all the time. Yesterday I visited her and got a bunch of recipes. I was originally planning on doing this when I moved, because now I have the room to actually cook. But of course she's been feeling too sick to do it with me. So now that she has a break from chemo, we've been doing it.

Anyway, what should've orig. been fun turned into this morbid thing where we could both tell that my aim turned from "get the recipes now that I have moved," to "this might be the last chance I have to get these recipes before you die." Some of them don't even have specific amounts, she was going to just cook them with me so I could see what the various consistencies were supposed to be. And every time she mentioned that, I was thinking about how she never would.

She, on the other hand, was amazingly chipper. More chipper even, than I've seen her without cancer, which makes me think it's a show. And also makes me sad that she thinks she has to put on a show for me. You are allowed to be depressed if you have cancer. I'm depressed and I'm not even the one with it.

Then on top of that, of course, I have the guilt from the difficult relationship and the off and on hating of her I've harbored in the past.

mother nature's bitch

I'm feeling somewhat worked over lately, by the world.

I have a shitty, low-paying job that I hate, and the way to move up is to take a slightly better paying shitty job that I would also hate.

My mom is dying. I try to be optimistic about this, but it's hard when the first run of chemo didn't work, and they orig. told us that if the first round of chemo didn't work it would be bad. Not helping is my pessimistic father.

All my friends left town and/or are not speaking to me.

Most recently, my boyfriend kicked me out (well, he asked, which is more polite, but I hate to use "asked me to leave" because it makes it sound like I had a choice) on our six month anniversary. He wouldn't even tell me what I did. When I asked why, he said, "well you did do some things that annoyed me, but mostly I just want to be alone."

All I have to say, is please god, mother nature, whoever: please, please, do not kill any of my other family members or burn my house down.

I'll play you a prostiTUNE on my WHOREmonica.

So today was an interesting day at work for a change. For basically two reasons.

1) Apparently my crappy geocities comic page* has been outed. A dude I somewhat know from training stopped me in the hall today and told me it was awesome. This made me feel good and bad.

Good: It is very flattering to anyone when anyone compliments their crappy geocities comic page.* Especially if they are as shitty at drawing as I am. It also makes me glad that there are other people where I work who share the same weirdo sense of humor I have. Okay, I sorta knew it about this guy already, we'd already had a brief conversation on UCB once, and caught him making a Bloodhound Gang reference too. I've never really been able to connect with him, or anyone I thought cool, because I am socially retarded, and it's hard to make friends with anyone anyway during 20 second snippets of conversation between calls. I asked him how he found it, and he said another dude from my training class told him, another dude I knew was somewhat cool already due to a few brief conversations months ago. So I guess it can only be good news that two people I thought of as friend material in the beginning (substitute UCB & Bloodhound gang with a discussion on TMBG, blowing up the building and another on clowns) think I am funny.

Bad: There are a lot of people that I do NOT want seeing this. I'm basically making fun of customers, talking about drugs, and or being creepy/filthy for most of it, which is probably something that does not look good to management. I tried not to come out and say which company I work for in them, but there are a couple that are indicative. And if it's that easy to randomly find it, I'll have to take it down. I saw the guy who supposedly linked it to the guy I talked to on my way out of work today, and wanted to ask him, but he was with a couple of other people who I don't know at all and hence don't know whether I should bring it up in front of them. Plus I feel weird going up and asking him anything. The first guy and I have stayed somewhat friendly (saying hi in hallways and all that) but the other dude and I never talk.


2) I had a long talk with my supervisor RE: what I should do with my career. He and I have been corresponding via email a little while, and I guess he decided it was best to just have an actual face to face conversation and get it all out. Anyway, I can't decide how I feel about the conversation. I mean, I'm glad we talked. I'm glad he showed an interest, because he seems to be very big on people asking for help before he gives it to them, whereas some of the other supervisors seem to be a little more proactive about helping their people. I don't know if it's necessarily his fault, because I've been shuffled around quite a lot since I started, but when I talk to other people they seem to know a lot more about the opportunities around (not so much promotional opportunities, but the things around the dept. I work in now that look good on a resume) than I do, and have already gotten on committees, and have talked to efficiency leaders and done a million other things that will help them out and I've just sort of gone in every day doing my job not really knowing I was supposed to know about and ask for all these things. Anyway, he's seemed sort of distant to me. So I'm glad I got to know him a little more, and I'll probably feel more comfortable asking him things in the future.

But as for actual career prospects I feel about as on the fence as ever. He seems to be pushing taking a job in claims. Not pushing, per se, he told me to feel free to go for anything else. But he sort of laid it out why it's way easier to get a job in claims than anything else at that pay level (significantly higher than my current one, btw) and how it gives me more experience to put on my resume and look good if I want another job at that pay level. He said I shouldn't be afraid to try it even though a lot of people I know (including him) hate/hated working in that dept. Things turn out alright! I might love it!

My thing is I'm already working with 18 year old kids. Which means I'm like 8 years behind everyone else, basically. I don't really want to waste more time on something I hate before I get a job I can actually like. I'm terrified of spending my entire working life doing shitty jobs that I hate and finally finding one I love like 5 years before I retire, and having it pass in an eyeblink because the older you get the faster time passes. And he was going on about positioning yourself so that when all the baby boomers retire you can shoot up to the top. And I'm afraid that I won't be in that position, and everyone else will just rocket past me and I'll still be doing shit jobs because I don't know how to get the right skills.

He also made me realize how freaking confused I am in general, I don't even know what I want. He asked me what I wanted in a job. What I want is a degree of creativity and to actually like the people I talk to every day, and interact with people I like every day. And he was talking about how librarian is actually more of a solitary job, if you're going into corporate library, and do I want to stay with the company or not? And I don't even know. I'm going to spend two fucking years and a TON of money on a degree I'm not even sure of. I wanted something like Borders but with more respect & above poverty level wages (not to mention no psycho tami), I guess, but that is probably not how it is, I don't even know. Academic librarianship sounds SO fun, but they're downsizing hardcore, corporate library seems to be the way to go with that.

I told him how I loved TV when I was in college, and how bad the reality was. He made me sort of feel like a tool for not sticking it out and getting better at driving, though I don't think he did it intentionally.

He told me about how he kicked around doing a lot of different jobs for awhile before he got where he was, and how it all turned out alright. But again that terrifies me, I don't want to kick around 10 more years hating life and myself and the jobs I'm doing before I can get into anything worthwhile. And he told me about his Dad, and how his dad had passion for his job and how he'd always envied it until he found out what it was about his dad's job that was great and how he could get it for himself in a different way. And he told me this story about his dad when he retired which, basically is the end of Mr. Holland's Opus, if you're curious, which made me depressed that there are people like that in real life who really make a difference in people's lives and that I'll never be one of them.

So it sort of made me depressed, which I don't think he was trying to do. But I guess what I'm supposed to take from it is that sometimes jobs you think won't work for you do, and if they don't that's okay too. And I should try for whatever I want (even though I don't know what it is) but I shouldn't rule out anything I don't want either if it could be a good move for me. Which, I don't know. I'm still about as confused and depressed as before.

----
* There's a chance that it's my crappy photobucket page which has less about my poop than on geocities, but more weird photos.

comiques!

new comic.

This is actually what I thought when I came upon that ingriedient in a bottle of shampoo. And I was like, "Hm, I don't think I want that near my hair."

Another one is the based on a conversation I had with my Roni, obviously.

Terriers

Today I was going around in my "Terriers" T-Shirt I got in like, Jr. High or Grade School. It is possibly the lamest article of clothing I own. It says "Terriers" then has a cartoonish picture of every breed, I can probably only recognize half of them at best (Schnauzer, Scottie, Jack Russell, Spuds MacKenzie, etc). But then I realized it is probably the COOLEST shirt I own, because of the Kids in the Hall Terriers song. For instance: studies show they (terriers) prolong old people's lives. Also, Napoleon had one to prevent misery.

Damn good times

Man, I say if you haven't ever took a 20 minute long crap with a hyper kitten in the bathroom with you who needs to be constantly entertained to stop it from attacking your legs, you have not lived! It wasn't unpleasant, per se, just weird. Anyway, the kitten in question is the Roni's roommate's. She's super cute, but crazy as hell.

Another thing I did in Pewhoria is visit Just For Fun which was this cool game store. I did have to admit to the Roni that that is one area in which Pewhoria beats out the B-Niz, because as far as I know we don't have any decent game shops. Anyway, they don't have very much in the way of normal games. There were a couple themed monopoly's, but that was about it. But they have a million interesting nerdy/dorky games. They have the Magic cards and RP stuff you'd expect, but the bulk of their stuff actually does seem to be random goodness.

They have all the Killer Bunnies, they have Rio Grande games (Bohnanza, Puerto Rico, etc), they have the Looney Labs games (Fluxx, Chrononauts, etc), an an enormous lot of ones I've not heard of. I think I could spend hours in there, if only reading the descriptions of games didn't get boring after awhile.

He also bought and cleaned strawberries for me and showed me Paul Rudd's buttocks.

what's up

Man... I wonder if in the last few weeks I've become borderline agoraphobic or something. Though, I hate to use that word, since I know someone actually agoraphobic, and it's a real problem, whereas I'm probably just lazy. Anyway, I've just noticed I don't really want to go out anywhere anymore if I'm alone. There are errands that I've been putting off months, literally. Even simple ones like going somewhere a block away for just one thing. Even fun things that require going somewhere I put off or don't do at all. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy. Even though it is getting better, it IS cold still, and I've always hated going out in the cold. It just always seems like going out is going to take this monumentous amount of energy that I just don't have when I'm alone.

Oh well, I'm probably full of it.

In other news, I'm pregnant. And now you can say you've seen the april fools joke with the least amount of effort put into it ever.

we've got something hateful on our minds

Hell is...

...staying 40 minutes late at a job you hate to fill out a form, and the reason it takes so long is because after every blank you fill in, you have to go and take a massively painful shit. Thanks, colitis!

Purgatory is probably having my goddamn neighbors. When I started feeling a little better after the shitfest, I went to take a shower, and I felt like listening to music. I didn't have it on loud, but I had it on louder than the whisper they apparently require me to have it at. Anyway, since I was in the shower and didn't want to dry off and get clothes on just to talk to this motherfucker, I just turned the music off. I'm thinking, though, of starting to listen to music at a louder, but reasonable volume sometime when I'm fully clothed and telling this guy off when he comes to complain about it. I'm going to tell him he's a fucking liar, because his kid seems to be napping every time I'm listening to music at anything above 1% volume. In the morning, in the afternoon whenever. But it's never napping late at night when they're talking really fucking loud and I can hear THEM through my floor. Plus babies don't even give a shit about loud music, it's sudden loud noises. If you are the one that hates my music, have the balls to admit it man, stop fucking blaming it on your baby. Either way I hate you.

do be do be do

So I gave my first speech at my speech group at work last night. I actually really, really liked it. I was really nervous, but everyone in the group is so supportive and said I was really funny. Which, I find it hard to be funny in an environment that I can't bring up poo or my love of killing hookers, so it was nice to know that my objective of clean humor was carried out successfully. As for what I could do better, I guess I sort of fidget while I'm up there. And one person said to speak up, which I don't get, cause that's always been the least of my problems.

Anyway, I think I'm definitely going to stay. I haven't made best friends with anyone, but I feel like I know people better now that I've been in it awhile, and even when I'm not speaking, other people's speeches are generally pretty interesting. And lets face it, I would probabably do anything to get off the phones at work anyway.

Also I pooped a lot yesterday. That was not fun.

blerg

I didn't blog last week because I had bronchitis and felt like I was dying. I still sort of feel crappy, but meh.

Anyway, I feel like blogging today because I'm depressed. So if you don't like whining, don't read. Though if you hated whining, you probably would've given up on this blog a long time ago.

Anyway:

My mom got done with chemo not too long ago. She's going to have a scan on Thurs to see if it got rid of the cancer. Which is good news if it did work. But if it didn't, apparently it won't respond to chemo again. So if she still has cancer, there's nothing they can do.

I still hate my job. I haven't heard from U of I yet whether or not I got in. I'm still conflicted over if I even want to go. Sometimes I wonder if I'll waste a bunch of time and money on it like with my BA and then have nothing to show for it. I also wonder whether they'll accept me. I'm well within the minimum standards.... but I was well within the minimum standards when I applied there for my undergrad degree and never got in. I hate the position I'm in... I don't even care anymore whether I get a job I truely love, I just want one I won't totally dread every day, and I don't even know if that's really possible.

I've been thinking of selling some stuff on ebay, and it terrifies me. Not the ebay bit... just having to get rid of things, I'm a terrible packrat. I was talking with Andi about it not too long ago. She's selling nearly everything she owns, which I could never do. I used to think I was materialistic, but I don't think it's that. I just get so attached to things, I hate to see them go. But anyway, I have a bunch of stuff at my parents house that I have to get rid of sooner or later, and none of it is going to fit over here. Ebay sucks, though. I have no idea what anything is worth, and there's no real way to find out for most things. As for pez dispensers, which are better documented, everything seems a lot cheaper on ebay than in those pricing books. I don't even care that much about making a profit on them, I just can't see anyone wanting to buy anything if shipping costs more than the actual item. Also, I seem to be the only one whose stuff isn't like, mint in package. I really don't understand how so many people have toys from 20 years ago that were never played with or even opened. I don't know... just thinking of getting rid of anything makes me sad. I'm a freak.

Speaking of Andi, one reason she is selling all that stuff is because she is moving to Oregon. Which, by my calculations, leaves me with only 2 friends in this town, neither of whom have time to see me. Most of my out of town friends seem busy with stuff lately too. I don't know if I'm a shitty friend, or if that's just the nature of people these days, but I never seem to hold onto any for very long. I wish I knew a way other than work to make friends, since work isn't doing so well for that right now.

I don't know... maybe I'm just easily depressed, but I've been feeling sort of that way in general for awhile. One weird thing is I've been missing my old apartment. I don't know why, the new one's way nicer. And I've been missing Borders, which is stupid because when I did work there all I could think of was getting out. I also miss my attention span, I'm having trouble enjoying books anymore.

well

Another disconcerting thing that's happened recently is... well, I guess this requires a bit of backstory.

One of my nervous habits is, I pick at the skin around my fingers. Sometimes I even dig enough that it will bleed. I've done it as long as I can remember. It's sort of gross (at Borders I'd have to have someone bring me a bandaid at register so I wouldn't bleed all over people's merchandise I was ringing up).

Anyway just last Friday my sister noticed. I thought she knew about it already, having known me all my life. But I guess not. She asked if it was "dry skin," or something and I was just like, "yep." I don't know why I should be offended that she's never noticed, obviously I don't really want to discuss it with people that much. It just seems odd. Her 3 year old son has already noticed on several occaisions. I actually tell the 'phew that I accidently cut myself, but he still makes a federal case out of it ("owie! you have an owie!") and will kiss it better for me. Oh well. I miss that kid, by the way. My sister seems to only bother to hang out with my parents, and I would just sort of piggyback onto that. Now that Mom's sick... obviously less visits. I need get my butt in gear and schedule some time to hang out with them soon before he forgets who I am.

FYI

Just to let everyone know: you should not listen to Blink 182 when you are depressed. It doesn't cheer you up at all . You mostly start thinking about what a retard you are to even like this music to begin with. Which makes you sadder.

poop

Gah, I hate life. I don't really remember what all I've meant to blog about lately, but Blogger's not been letting me on.

Anyway today was shitty but one nice thing that happened is Julie called me, and we talked forever about a wide variety of topics such as fucked up family life, batman, Jem, Dschinghis Khan, our loathing for Harry Potter (well, she just dislikes it, I personally loathe it). She might have a part time job soon, which would mean money to come to town and see people, which would be sweet. I also found out that the reason Andy has not responded to any of my many proddings about game night is that he currently has pneumonia, which sounds poopy, and I hope he gets better.

One thing I remembered, I guess, is just that work makes me even more annoyed lately. One thing our supervisor pushes is going out there and getting on committees to develop yourself. Well, it's not like all these fucking committees are beating down my door to have me on them. You have to be reccommended by a supervisor, and mine never does. In fact, he doesn't even really tell you when there's an opportunity around, it looks like. Because one thing they've been lately is training new reps, and you can sit there and help them. I see people who started when I started doing it, and I didn't even know they were going to train anyone soon. And I have let him know that I'm interested in committees and things like that. Not only do they make you look good, but they're like a million times better than taking fucking calls. I just feel shuffled around in general, we're supposed to have efficiency leaders help us get better at our job, and I only even finally got one like 3 months ago, and have never talked to her again (I found out from someone else recently that you're supposed to meet with one every couple of weeks). We're also supposed to listen to calls with coordinators, to learn about what we are and aren't doing right, and again, I've only done that like once since training and I just found out you're supposed to do it a lot more. You're supposed to have a team meeting every month, and my team does like half that. I will tell this all to my supervisor the next time I see him, but who knows when that will be?

I just sort of feel fucked up and angry at life right now, it reminds me of like, August, when I was having lunch with my parents fucking crying in McDonalds because I don't know what I'm doing with my life. And I guess not that much has changed since August.

just skip to the end

Today I got my 15 min break at 8:30-8:45. I work 4-10, people! What is the effin point by then? But on the other hand I got my bonus! Which is good, cause I sorta spent it already. It was actually less than I thought it would be, goddamn you federal government! But it is still awesome, as unexpected money always is.

I spent the earlier part of my day with my Roni. I have a sneaking suspicion that he is cheating on me with Paul Rudd or a monkey, but other than that, everything is great. Yesterday, we played card games all day. Killer Bunnies (dunno if I've mentioned it before, but I got it on my birthday and it is super-fly), Phase 10 (sort of like Gin Rummy, but not really), in a pickle (I don't feel like describing it), and then randomly deciding to draw for each other the objects on the in a pickle cards. It was a lot of fun.

Then the evening before that we had dinner somewhere classy (Michael's) because I had a buy one get one free coupon (sweet!). I had an entree made out of butter. Delicious butter.

Earlier on weds, I saw a movie with my dad that was less poopy than I had thought but in the end still had Anakin from Star Wars. It was the first time I saw a movie over at that new galaxy theater, and it is pretty sweet. The number one thing I like is they show matinees on weekdays. I don't know how they turn a profit on it, my dad and I were the only ones in the theater, but it is convenient for me, since that is usually when I have time on my hands. Then the screens are ginormous, and the seats are super-comfortable.

And just now I pooped half my body weight.

doin things is what I like to do

So I made another bloody poo yesterday, so I guess the up the butt pills did not have a lasting effect. I am putting off calling the doctor about it, because I don't want to go to the doctor, and moreover I don't want to pay the doctor. I didn't realize how lucky I was back when my parents paid my medical expenses. Health insurance sucks, you never really meet your deductible unless something really awful happens to you. But if you've had a wart on your foot you've needed to talk to someone about for six months, gynecological issues, chronic digestive problems.... you're on your own.

Plus, like I said, they don't seem to mind to leave you in their waiting room for hours at a time so that you can see the doctor for like, 15 minutes.

In other news, I'm part of this lame public speaking group at work, and I have to give a speech about myself. I can't think of anything about me that is both interesting and appropriate. There is nothing really inspiring or unique about me. The only thing I can really do is funny, and it's usually not clean funny. I'm half tempted to dress up as a cowboy and lip synch to Bill Cosby stand-up (this is a reference to Eugene Mirman stand-up that I can't find on youtube to share with you, and hence is probably only funny to me and the Roni). I think I'd like the Toastmaster to tell me that I get an A plus but that I have to see a doctor.

yo

Today I spent my day off pooping (a lot), writing essays for U of I (everything's submitted! Those bitches took $50 from me :/), and watching Hitchcock movies.

Oh and also I listed to Electric Six while writing my essays, which is probably a bad idea. It was hard to resist the urge to mention my screenplay and the crazy things I did one night in Spain.

for the win

Not that anyone cares, but...

bed

more bed

futon

Best picture I've ever taken, the 2 things that make it awesome (Cheez Its/monkey) are totally unintentional, sadly

sidways dresser!

Well now....

Today is the first time I had someone angrily yell at me, "HAVE A NICE NIGHT." I don't even think it was sarcastic, even though I don't think he strictly meant it, either. Some dude was pissed about his bill.... and I mean, really pissed. Rarely do I have someone literally screaming into the phone. The refreshing bit, though, was that he was not directing said anger towards me, just towards his agent. So I had to endure his screaming (esp. not fun because I had a headache due to all the construction we've been having around the office) but no abuse. And like I said, he even said things like, "I know it's not your fault," and then told me to have a nice night at the end of the phone call, albeit at the top of his lungs.

Anyways work is still poop. I get depressed even when it's an alright night anymore.

In other news about today, I renewed my driver's license. I KNOW everyone complains about how bad their picture is but man... you would think I was TRYING to make weird faces if you saw these things. I can't decide which is worse. I mean, objectively, my previous one is probably worse. But it is so awful it is funny, I have this grimace of pain on my face, basically, and I've won many a "no, no, I have the worst driver's license picture," game. This one I was just blinking and look drunk. Plus... the guy took it a second time, because I blinked all the way the first time. Anyway, I find it more amusing than anything.

Last weekend was fake birthday, it was pretty good. My parents & sister got me everything on my list (Rogue Wave, Saves the Day, My Fellow Americans, the Ocean's 11 movies, Killer Bunnies & the Quest for the Magic Carrot), plus a noodles gift card and some cash. So there was no embarassing repeat of the Zoodoption incident, thank god. I'm enjoying that stuff quite a bit, and Rogue Wave quotes a bit from Star Wars which you wouldn't think they would do because they seem cool but they AREN'T. So that makes me like them even more. We went out to dinner, (sans my mother, unfortunately) and in general had a good time.

The rest of the time I spent with the Roni. He is still a sweetie and I am glad that I have him. We attempted to watch Eagle Vs Shark, which we couldn't get through because it was stupid. We listened to Michael Ian Black singing about the Nazi party in the voice of the guy from the B-52's, and it was hilarious. We came up with a new wrasslin' move, Anal Claw. We played many a game of Killer Bunnies, Fluxx, and Zombie Fluxx. He made me awesome dinner! We went to Emack & Bolio's and the record shop. He gave me Electric Six, tea, sheets, Fluxx, & Zombie Fluxx. We are best buds!

New Indiana Jones!

(1:21:37 PM) me: man I had friends waiting years for the transformers
(1:21:43 PM) me: I think that's sort of how I feel about indiana jones
(1:21:52 PM) me: esp. since they HAVE been talking aobut it forever
(1:22:31 PM) me: man I miss Harrison Ford
(1:22:35 PM) me: he should be in more stuff
(1:22:41 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: he should just never age
(1:22:48 PM) me: exactly
(1:23:11 PM) me: he should always be defeating bad guys with a clever one liner
(1:24:59 PM) me: Sean Connery sort of did that
(1:25:06 PM) me: hit a certain age and then never got older
(1:25:26 PM) me: he looks the same in last crusade as he does in the rock as he does in league of extraordinary gentlemen
(1:25:40 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha yeah
(1:25:48 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: I think it's secret james bond technology
(1:25:52 PM) me: haha
(1:26:09 PM) me: man one of my favorite bits back when they were talking about making the new indiana jones like 5 years ago
(1:26:47 PM) me: was Harrision Ford was on Conan and he was all sarcastic, "we're going to make it so some time passes.... because obviously, Sean Connery looks so much older."
(1:27:33 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(1:27:49 PM) me: I don't even think Connery's actually in this one, on top of that
(1:28:27 PM) me: man that Shia Lebeouf is in everything
(1:28:46 PM) me: he is capitalizing on nostalgia for things he is too young to be nostalgic about
(1:29:21 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha yeah he's so freakin' annoying too
(1:29:34 PM) me: eh I don't really care about him either way
(1:32:20 PM) me: I like that his last name means "the beef" in french, as far as I can tell

hmm...

Oh, what have I done this week that I can entertain the masses with? That is, of course, other than piss and moan.

I don't know, I've been in a cranky mood lately, I can't put my finger on it. Nothing's worse than usual or anything. In fact, it is actually better, I've gotten some new music, which generally perks me up.

Which, btw:

--new Nada Surf, Lucky. Very good!
--Chris Walla, Field Manual. I'm not a huge Death Cab For Cutie Fan (the dude is from that band), I enjoy them, but not enough to be like, "Oh solo work from the guitarist!)," but I happened to hear the one song from it and really liked it, and I was on a music buying binge at Borders. So far, pretty good album.
--Sufjan Stevens, A Sun Came. Dude's debut album, I never had gotten it before, I sort of confused it with Enjoy Your Rabbit, a very experimental instrumental album of his that I do not want. Also it seems the older his stuff is the less good it is. But I had listened to some clips and it seemed listenable. Plus it's got like 20+ tracks, so even if half of it sucks I'm still good.
--You know what I said earlier about Death Cab for Cutie? Yeah, I got their latest album (a year or two old now). I've been on the fence about it for awhile, and got this random video collection that goes with that album a long time ago, becuase I thought it had the videos AND the album, but it was just videos, and not very good ones at that. I thought I could steal the album from someone by and by, because I know several DCFC listeners, but it never seemed to work out so I sucked it up and bought it.

So actually I got the Nada Surf at this little music shop in downtown Normal. The Roni and I actually went downtown to look at games at this one store that turned out not to have games. So that we didn't feel like the outing was a total waste, we stopped in the music store and it actually was pretty cool and we both found stuff we liked. Anyway I saw the new Nada Surf and had to have it right then and there. I saw the Sufjan, and decided to wait on it. Then later Borders put out a coupon, 1-3 CD's, 40% anything in the store. YAY BORING STORY.

Anyway, Borders was alright. I went there for just the Sufjan and bought the other two because I have no self restraint. I also picked up a book for my mom. So all in all: the 40% off CD's much more costly than it would've been to just pick up the Sufjan earlier. It also seems like I never go into Borders when many good people are working, Geoff was the only one worth talking to there. Pam was there too, but didn't really recognize me. I actually had ducked in the kids section in order to hide from Tami, so it really startled the crap out of me to have Pam walk up right then and ask if she could help me find anything. Geoff was the bees knees, though, as always. We got into a discussion about the lame Grammy's stuff Borders pushes every year (this year: Grammy themed notecards, photo albums, and memory book), and we discussed my creepily encyclopedic knowledge of Sufjan Stevens.

Anyway, despite the above, as I said, I'm kind of cranky, and putting off stuff (U of I essays, DMV, cleaning) even more than I usually would. I'm wondering if it's the weather? Don't get me wrong, I can be like this in nice weather too, but I usually have more of a reason. And obviously, the general "I hate my job," thing. Maybe I'm just an emo freak. Whatever.

Gah

I suuuuuck. I really probably shouldn't be attempting to go back to school, I'm such a fucking procrastinator. I've had time, more than enough time, to do the essays required, and I still haven't. In addition, I need to get to the DMV before my birthday, clean my place (badly), go to the eye dr, talk to my poo dr, go to a dermatologist, maybe see a regular dr about my ADD (I think it's gotten worse or something the last few years, I'm having difficulties paying attention at work, reading books, sitting through movies, listening to music...). Granted, most of those have mitigating circumstances (my job IS boring, a film studies minor a few years back burned out my attention for serious movies, my prev. job gave me music & book issues), but I'm beginning to wonder if it's something more.

What have I done today? Okay, I did file my taxes, so that's something productive. And I did do a liiitle cleaning. But mostly I've been hanging around playing with my ghetto photoshop and, yesterday, looking at card games online. Why can't I behave like an adult?

woo

Today was as awesome as yesterday was shitty! In chronological order:

Reasons:

1) I got a call from the interview lady, we're set up for tomorrow
2) I got to speak to Ryan today, which I haven't gotten to do in a long time
3) I got a raise at work today
4) I got to speak to someone from Dick Valentine's office today
5) I got a bonus at work today
6) I found out that I get extra money for working last friday because it was a snow day
7) A bathroom-break related issue that had been bothering me awhile was cleared up at work today
8) My transcript finally got here
9) I have only 2 hrs. work tomorrow, and then I'm gonna see my fella!

ugh

I am so, so fucking tired of my fucking job. No, nothing particularly horrible happened on my shift, I'm just so fucking tired of it. I need a fucking vacation. But I don't want to use any of my vacation time, because I'm going to have to use a big fucking chunk of it for this ten fucking day fucking thing I have to fucking do at U of I if I get into their fucking school. Which, I probably won't, because they fucking rejected me as an undergrad, and I fucking won't make the deadline because I have to write a fucking essay based on a fucking interview with a fucking librarian that I haven't fucking been able to set up yet, and I also need to get a fucking transcript from fucking ISU which they've not fucking sent me yet, so I can answer the way too fucking detailed questions about my fucking GPA in college, my fucking GPA in my major, my fucking GPA in the last two years I went to fucking ISU, and my fucking GPA for fucking fucking a fucking wallaby in the fucking ass.

I want my goddamn furniture to come already, too. I don't want to be bleeding out my goddamn ass or for my mom to have goddamn cancer in her goddamn lungs. I want our goddamn country to not be going down the goddamn toilet with my bloody poo. I want to not be gaining so much goddamn weight at such a goddamn alarming pace.

I want not to be a whiney bitch either, but not that badly, obviously.

good times

So today I had some dude's hand up my butt. I guess that doesn't happen every day.

OR DOES IT? I have a poor memory.

Anyway I guess it wasn't some dude, it was an accredited medical professional who's stuck scopes and other things up there before. So why not?

He was checking for hemerhoids, and didn't find any, so I guess that's good. The bad bit is that my actual colon is probably bleeding then, and that's not good.

Solution: sticking more things up my butt (suppositories). At least I get to do that bit by myself in the privacy of my own home rather than have a repeat of today's fun.

I have to say, though: STILL better than a vaginal exam. Of course, this was just some fingers whereas with your vag they get some fucking metal thing and jack it open as wide as possible.

So now you know about that.

in other news

Every time I drive by Walgreens on the way home from work, I loudly say "pharmacy" to myself in a Boston accent due to their neon "pharmacy" sign that is missing an R.

burn baby burn

So, today at work a guy was hocking his daughter's girl scout cookies and I gave in and ordered a box... or 2 or 3... or 6. It was kind of weird, I just bought girl scout cookies at work from a guy hocking them for his daughter, at the same company that my dad used to hock my cookies at where he worked when I was a girl scout. So... I blame nostalgia for ordering $21 and god knows how many calories worth of cookies today. At least that's what I'm going to say it is. And 1/3 of those are for my dad, anyway. He is a fan of Do-si-do's.

In other news: there is way too much BS involved in applying to study at U of I. 3 letters of reference. 1 essay on why I want to be a librarian. 1 essay on an interview I have to conduct with a librarian. A transcript from ISU. A longass application. A $50 application fee.

Jesus, dudes.... if I suck, I'll fail out and you won't have to worry about me making you look bad. You will get my money anyway! I mean I sort of get the logic of the application fee (i.e. might as well gouge the applicant as much as possible) and the transcript & most of the application (they can't accept EVERYONE, obviously). But after this much work + the extortionist fee, I'm seriously going to have to burn the entire campus down if I don't get accepted.

Fake birthday everybody!

I meant to blog about this before, cause it's good times, but a couple days ago we had the Roni's fake birthday. See, we had fake Christmas a week before Christmas, on purpose, because we knew we wouldn't be able to hang out with each other. We had fake birthday, last week, a week before his real birthday (today) for about the same reason: i.e. his stupid job wouldn't let him have time off on his actual birthday week. But, fake birthday was a success! I was sad when it was over and it wasn't even my fake birthday.

Anyway, the main bit is I got him this card game called Bohnanza, and the goal is to make as much money as you can. The method you do this is by growing beans. It sounds pretty lame, and it might even BE pretty lame if you're someone who doesn't like weird card games, but we had a lot of fun. The Roni really, really loved it, and I don't think he was faking it because we played it over and over at his urging. I quite enjoy it too. The other thing I got him, which I had actually given him some time ago, was one of those white noise machines for sleeping. He had seen the one I have (I got it for like $5, years ago) and took quite a shine to it. He said he is really happy with both.

Also I made him birthday brownie (from a mix, I've learned my lesson on ones from scratch). I wanted to make him cake, but I don't like cake and he wanted me to have some too. We also randomly bought frosting that we didn't use. Then we got a buttload of food from Outback Steakhouse on a giftcard he got. It was the first time I've had Outback, and it was pretty good.

Then we played more bean game!

The end.

guh

So I think I'm actually going to Ikea. I think Walmart actually might have a cheaper, definitely more easier to obtain, selection, but walmart IS sort of evil, I DO sort of want to visit Ikea, and I would also get to see the futon in person before deciding on it. I'm not sure.

In other news: my tire business (I can't remember if I went into it before) is still not resolved. From the beginning: I went to Peoria to see the Roni on Weds, and when I got there my tire was sort of flat so we got air at a gas station. Then when I went home on Fri, I got to Bizzle Nizzle alright, but my tire was flat when I went to go to work. I called AAA, they took care of it, I now have the spare on there.

So Saturday, my dad and I take the flat tire to walmart where he got the tires. They actually said they could not fix it, only help pay for the cost of a new one, because there were a couple of punctures on the side. He said they were small, hence the air escaping so slow, but hard to get on accident, since they are on the sides of the tire. His opinion is that some fucker slashed my tires, which makes me not happy.

This is esp. since my car had to have been at home or work when this happened, cause I had been feeling pretty crappy and not going anywhere the couple of days before that. And I find it hard to believe it happened at work, I park in this garage with people coming and going constantly and security cameras all over the place. So someone at my place slashed my tires. Which means they could do it again. Which, makes me pissed since I live in a nice neighborhood now.

Then on top of that, my dad came in today to help me put the new tire on, and my tire iron was missing. I have never done anything with it. So.... it was frustrating trying to find it. Also, it makes me a little more worried and suspicious, because occaisionally I'll leave my car unlocked down there (i really don't leave anything in my car that's worth stealing and it is a good neighborhood) and it makes me think that maybe the same person who slashed my tires also stole my tire iron. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but it sucks just the same. Now I have to go to my parent's side of town tomorrow and look at a new tire iron with my dad. Hopefully this whole thing will finally be resolved after that.

So I'm thinking of....

Beddinge!

or...

Lovas!

My dad seemed to think a futon was the way to go re: the fold-out couch debate.

The only problem with these lovely Ikea products: getting to them.

It looks like shipping is a bitch, though, like over 100 bucks. On top of that, it looks like some options, you can only get in the store. So if you're going to pay that much, you might as well actually get the fun of actually visiting Ikea.

Problem with that:

--I don't wanna drive there. But there's no way you can take that stuff on a train or bus.

--I thought of begging Opt to take me. But even if she did succumb to the allure of Ikea, there's no way you can fit that stuff in her little civic.

--I thought of just sucking it up and going up there myself. I am a little more confident since I drove home from O'Hare after dropping Ryan off last year. Which... I may still do, I don't know. But I'm not even sure you can fit a futon frame, mattress, etc. in my car, though there's more room.

--I thought of begging my sister to let me borrow her van. Which, the problems with that just stack up, and include 1) my sister probably needs her van, it's the only thing they have to transport their kids very well 2) my sister probably wouldn't lend it to me even if she didn't need it and 3) rightfully so, I don't even really want to drive my car up there, much less my sister's BRAND NEW (less than 2 months old) minivan.

I dunno. Anyone non-molestor with a van reading this up for a visit to Ikea? Wait, what am I saying? Everyone who owns a van is a molestor. Yes, I just included my sister. I'm not sure what she molests, but I bet she does. She owns a van! Maybe it is zoo animals, and the Christmas gift was her way of atoning. Speaking of which, Sista just read my blog for the first time in awhile and had this comment:

(1:51:57 PM) Sista: your sister got you bears?
(1:52:01 PM) Sista: a year of bears?
(1:52:22 PM) me: yeah

RYAN!

(10:03:58 AM) me: what up?
(10:04:08 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the price of gas
(10:04:23 AM) me: I make it for free
(10:04:25 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(10:04:31 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: will it power my automobile?
(10:04:39 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: or just turn me on like last time?
(10:04:53 AM) me: hahah the turn on is for freeeee
(10:04:58 AM) me: don't diss it
(10:05:21 AM) me: man if I had a car that ran on my poop
(10:05:31 AM) me: it would suck less that I poop constantly
(10:05:35 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha that would be awesome
(10:05:42 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: you could even rig it up so the driver's seat was a toilet
(10:05:46 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: you could just poo on the go
(10:05:48 AM) me: hahaha
(10:06:04 AM) me: that's much better than what I thought of
(10:06:24 AM) me: which involved several lengths of tubing and the violation of several public indecency laws
(10:06:52 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(10:06:58 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: sounds like my saturday night
(10:07:00 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: BOOM

(10:08:05 AM) me: remind me to never, ever, ever take laxatives ever again
(10:08:09 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: hahah
(10:08:11 AM) me: I am basically a poo faucet
(10:08:14 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: man I could have told you that
(10:08:14 AM) me: that won't shut off
(10:08:21 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: you should stand on your head
(10:08:23 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: and be a poo fountain
(10:08:28 AM) me: hahaha
(10:08:38 AM) me: will small children play in me?
(10:08:59 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha yes
(10:09:05 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: and splash in your poo puddles
(10:09:15 AM) me: no way then, I hate those little bastards
(10:09:21 AM) me: they can find their own poo fountain
(10:09:27 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: I like to call them "poo-dles"

(10:23:08 AM) me: I feel like poooop
(10:23:09 AM) me: fix it
(10:23:44 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(10:23:51 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: is your butt controlled by computers?
(10:23:59 AM) me: I don't know
(10:24:02 AM) me: how do you tell?
(10:24:10 AM) me: is there a USB port in there or something?
(10:24:13 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: does it make beeping noises
(10:24:15 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(10:24:21 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: a usb port would also be a good sign
(10:24:44 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: have you ever controlled it with a mouse?
(10:24:50 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: and I don't mean the animal like Richard Gere
(10:25:00 AM) me: haha what about Richard Gere?
(10:25:11 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: there was some rumor years ago he liked to put gerbils in his ass
(10:25:16 AM) me: hahah
(10:25:21 AM) me: he probably does
(10:25:26 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: I'd believe it

(10:58:33 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: I don't want to work
(10:58:35 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: but I should
(10:58:57 AM) me: same with me
(10:59:05 AM) me: I don't want to go and wash all this poo off my body
(10:59:07 AM) me: but I should
(10:59:56 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(11:00:13 AM) me: stupid dress code at work
(11:00:22 AM) me: poo isn't a clothing style it's a way of life
(11:01:06 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: you should make a poo suit
(11:01:28 AM) me: maybe. My woman suit is working pretty well for me.
(11:02:19 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: Mine too!

I buy the drugs

(11:17:00 AM) me: gah, why does my colon have to be fucked up?
(11:17:03 AM) me: fix it, Opt
(11:17:19 AM) Optimus Prime: ok
(11:17:27 AM) Optimus Prime: *punches you in the solar plexus*
(11:17:29 AM) Optimus Prime: all better

Opt: http://stereogum.com/mp3/Electric%20Six%20-%20Dance%20Pattern.mp3

did you see this?
Me: Well I didn't see that page, but I've heard the song before, I like it a lot :D
Opt: oh, well, on the link it said "new Electric Six" but I wasn't sure how old it was so I thought I'd pass it along.
Me: Thanks :) I want to say sometime around October? Roni & I were both pretty into that song when we first started dating.
Opt: awwwwwww...your song is by Electric Six. That's so.... you.
me: haha our song isn't that song, btw
Opt: yeah, but is "unforgettable" really the first song you two danced to?
me: I can't remember what the first song we danced to is

(10:22:09 AM) me: how come Ryan's never on the internets anymore?
(10:22:30 AM) Mike: he has a bird
(10:22:33 AM) Mike: and a bike
(10:23:06 AM) me: We're better than all those
(10:23:36 AM) me: I kill small mammals every day, that's about all a raptor does
(10:23:52 AM) me: and you make awesome vroom noises, that's all a bike does

(10:25:30 AM) me: If I blow that much money on something it better have cupholders and do my laundry for me
(10:25:42 AM) Mike: you want a woman with cupholders?
(10:25:49 AM) me: yes. yes I do.
(10:26:01 AM) Mike: like... a sexy marsupial

Man... it sucks, I have a certain amount of things I have to do, cleaning up the room I have all the boxes in for the move, for instance, so that I can move the stuff in my bedroom there so I can move the new stuff I'm getting soon into the bedroom. Looking at a mattress so that I can use the new bedroom furniture. Regular cleaning (it just needs it). But I've been feeling so shitty lately it's hard to want to do anything. My dad keeps asking me about my progress on some of these things, and it's like, "SHUT UP I TOLD YOU I FEEL HORRIBLE, DON'T YOU GET IT?" I love him and everything, but since I have been pretty good most of the time for awhile now, and he doesn't live with me anymore to see when I feel shitty, I think he forgets how much of my time is just sucked into this black hole of feeling horrible & doing nothing when I am having a rough patch with the colitis. On top of it, yesterday my tire went flat. My parents have triple A and I'm on their account, so AAA came and changed my tire really quickly, but I was still late to work and now I have to figure out what to do about that.

ugh

My cooooolon hurts. Eat dicks, genetics.

So I was late to work today. I guess my alarm clock difficulties (being too stupid to properly program one) have not gone away, as I once thought, they were just alleviated by the fact that I don't have to get up early very often. But today I picked up hours, and I was late for them, and that's a huge no no where I work. The annoying thing: right before I woke I had a dream that I set my alarm wrong and was late to work. Irony, poetic justice, whatever it is... fuck you.

Work wasn't too awful once it started.

Current status: I just ate too much rice a roni.

Because everyone loves home decor, right?

Today I looked at furniture. I feel kind of bad doing it on my own, cause my mom and I were supposed to do this but then she got sick. I was going to wait till she gets better, but my dad keeps pushing me to go ahead and look at stuff. Anyway, I went to a place today.

--Sofas: hard choice. I like my current one so much, and it actually goes with my decor. Whereas most stuff: crazily, tan. Yeah, what the fuck is right, my friends. I looked at a couple of pull out sofas and a futon-y thing, though, for my guest room. Nothing was noteworthy.

--Chairs. Eh, nothing goes with my place, but I am a sucker for recliners. They all seem pretty nice, and don't go with anything. My favorite, comfort-wise was this one though it, too, does not go with anything.

--Bedroom sets. I dunno, I don't want a big-ass footboard or just big-ass everything. My mom was talking about getting a bed, nightstand, chest, dresser, and then putting my old nightstand & chest in the guest room.

my favorite bed

set that goes with it

set that was nice but enormous, and not cheap

set on sale

another one on sale

--Mattresses eh, I don't know. I'm picky.

Plus my dad just randomly gave me a new battery for my cell phone today, which is nice because every conversation I have with anyone that is over 5 minutes lately ends with the phone hanging up. I just happened to mention to it, and I guess he and my mom (who have the same phone as me) had an extra around. I win!

fun

So today I had a dude file a claim with me who, during the course of this, threatened to beat his two female passengers repeatedly. Then, at the end of the phone call, he hit on me. Also he was an idiot in general, I'm wondering if he was actually drunk.

I also had a woman call me by the name "stupid" and hang up on me.

Yesterday, I did have a cool conversation with a guy who hit a deer.

Me: Were there any witnesses?
Guy: No.
Me: It's your word against the deer's.
Guy: the deer is dead
Me: You win!

What I remember of the last couple weeks: far too detailed

Christmas: hung out with my parents. My dad and I rented a couple of movies. The Kingdom & some movie I can't remember the name of with Morgan Freeman & John Cusack. The kingdom was surprisingly non shitty for something with Jennifer Garner. The other movie was surprisingly shitty for something with Morgan Freeman & John Cusack. I.E. they were both "eh." My mom slept a lot. We had microwave roast beef & mashed potatoes. It was pretty decent compared to how it could've been.

I got GPS (as Opt said when I announced this to her, "finally"). My dad came up with this idea on his own cause I was slow with the christmas list this year. It will be mega handy, as we all know, I am not able to find my own butt without two hands and a map. I also got the digital camera I asked for. World, get ready for pictures of people humping my couch! On top of that, the store where the rents got it was giving away photo printers free with purchase. Lastly, I got a battery charger, which was sort of like "WTF?" but with the other two items it is hard to be ungrateful.

The next couple days I played around with GPS & camera, and this game I picked up at Best Buy awhile ago (I could nerdily go into everything about the game, but I'll spare you and just let you know it's Heroes of Might & Magic IV if you care). I'm sadly addicted.

Then I got cheap Christmas wrapping paper at walgreens because I ran out of Christmas paper this year (I had to wrap Roni's gift in transformer's paper).

Then I visited Roni (we hadn't thought we were going to visit each other last week cause of the holidays, but we got a quick visit in). He is still a sweetie! His mom actually got me a target gift card and various other sundries that he delivered to me. I feel kind of weird about it, since I've never met her, and I didn't give her anything back, but I thought it was nice.

Then Opt visited me and gave me the fabulous arrgyle tee shirt I'd previously mentioned. The funny thing is we sort of both independently saw strange tee shirts this year and decided to get them for each other. The one I got her, is "I Heart Optimus Prime," because she had a dream about making out with Optimus Prime once. And becoming a ninja so that he would marry her. Anyhoos, it was really good to see her again. Other than the party, where I was going around like a chicken with my head cut off, I hadn't seen her since the TMBG concert.

Then, Thug was in town! I haven't seen him since he quit Borders. I went and hung out with him and YM and Herd. He told me again how much he liked my "holiday card," (an unsigned postcard with an incredible hulk postage stamp that said "hey Thug, I fucked your mom last night." I traded racist jokes and poo talk with him, and horrified YM & Herd's roommates. We watched random things on youtube. It was good times!

Then the next night, YM and I saw Sweeney Todd! I'm not a huge fan of musicals. I hate movies with serial killers. But they cancel each other out.... serial killer cancels out the boringness of musical, musical cancels out scariness of serial killer. So it was pretty good (though I hadn't realized how retardedly full of crazy "coincidences," that movie is). I guess YM was kicked out of school, she got bad grades because she was depressed all the time. Which sucks. But, she is happier lately because she has a boyfriend now. Which is awesome. Those two combined = more free time/time she wants to actually be around people, so it sounds like we are going to get to hang out more, which makes me happy. We did have a good time, we had about an hour to kill before the movie. Sometimes I forget how hilarious and fun to be around she is when she actually wants to be around people. And we had the "oh, my boyfriend is so awesome!" "oh, mine is too!" conversation which I'd never been able to have before. It was really nice... and it sounds like her new boyfriend is a solid dude, which makes me glad after all the douchebags she's been dating before that.

Also that day I hung out with my sister and my parents and finally had the last bits of Christmas. I got the 'Phew a transformer (Bumblebee) & They Might Be Giants: Here Come the ABC's (movie & soundtrack). I could tell my brother in law wasn't too happy with either (I guess he thinks TMBG is lame? Whatever), especially since the Transformer was harder than I thought and he was having trouble switching it back and forth over and over as the Phew demanded. I got 'Phew Harder this crawling butterfly thing that he seemed pretty happy with (he was just has happy with wrapping paper from the presents though, at that age). I got my sister & brother in law a Borders gift card. They got me.... the worst gift ever.

Zoodoption papers for the Sun Bears at the Miller Park Zoo. I am a jerk for looking a gift horse in the mouth, but here are the reasons I am enraged.

1) Why the fuck would you get the poorest member of your family (by quite a margin) a donation to charity. I'm the charity case! If I hadn't gotten that bonus money for working thanksgiving, I would've had to save all year to get you the stuff I got you. I don't buy a ton of things for myself, I save most things I want for Christmas and Birthday. If I got you a donation to a charity, it probably wouldn't matter, you would go out and get what you really want the next day anyway because you can afford it. Me: not so lucky.

2) It's not even a good charity! I would feel like a dick complaining about this if it helped needy children, or even if it helped animals at like, the humane society or something. But a zoo? They aren't really helping anyone, they just imprison animals. It's not one of those zoos that breed endangered animals or anything. Moreover: I may have Zoodopted the Sun Bears, but I bet they don't see a single dime. I doubt they go out and buy the Sun Bears a nice toy or snack and are like, "Hey Sun Bears, this is from your Zoodopted mother!" I bet they use it to remodel their gift shop or something, the fuckers.

3) It's for a year! It's not like I've Zoodopted the Sun Bears forever or anything. That seems kind of weird. You can't do that when you adopt kids (I know, I have tried). Plus my sister got it in like October, so I've actually missed out on 3 months of the satisfaction Zoodopting an animal is supposed to give me.

4) She got it in October! I realize the difficulty when someone is late with their Christmas list like I was this year... but yeah, October is earlier than I would've had it done anyway.

5) She consulted with my mom, and my mom said I'd love it! WTF people? How could you think I would like this? Did you take a time machine back to 1992? When I was 10? Because I guarantee you that is the last age I would've thought this was cool at.

6) Since I was polite and didn't spew out this rant, I will probably be recieving more zoodoptions in the future.

Yesterday was poopy, because I saw that movie really late the night before and forgot that I had picked up hours starting at 8 a.m. yesterday. So I was tired. Then we've been having trouble with our website, so I would have to transfer a million people over to internet support, which had a hold time of, I kid you not, half an hour. And at my company, we don't just transfer people, we warm transfer, which means we stay on hold too. So... yeah. Then on top of it, I got this woman calling up who, totally unrelated to what she was calling about, broke down and started crying on the phone because of her mom dying recently. Which... generally I feel bad for these people (I can't tell you how many people have just randomly started telling me their horrible life story on the phone) but it's not that big of a deal to me. But it made me think of my sick mom, and I started crying too. After the phone call was over I went to the bathroom and cried some more. In a way, I'm sort of glad about it, I've been feeling like I am a monster for not being more upset about this whole thing, and it's probably not good to hold all this in. But in another way, it sucks to break down and cry in the bathroom at work. And it's been clinched--I have cried in the bathroom at all 3 jobs I've had since being a grown up. Though I guess this one was because of my personal life, whereas my other jobs made me cry because they were jobs that made me cry. Anyway, yeah, you can tell the difference in management style between my last job and this one, because 2 different managers came up to me and asked me if I was okay, whereas at my last job the management often CAUSED the crying and then ignorred it afterwards.

Then last night I got an email from Mulva saying he wanted to hang out today, but then I called him, and he never answered, so I don't know what's up with that. True story.

Yay

Opt got me....

this. Also, here's a closeup.

I win at life! And if you don't get it, you have no business being my friend!

I mean... it's based on the joke:

"what is a pirate's favorite sock? (though in this case it'd probably be "pattern")"

"Arrrrrrgyle"

Oh yeah.

More details on what I've been up to from my lazy self... later.

poops

Gah. It really blows. At my old crappy place, I never heard a peep, noise-wise, out of any of my neighbors, and the ones that heard me didn't seem to mind (the one lady actually kept telling me how much she liked my music). But here I am at this nice new place.... and I can fuckin' hear everything. And the neighbors can hear me. And they complain.

Yeah.... it's the anti-dn's again. 2 pm, when you'd think you could play your music at any volume. I was playing it like medium high, nowhere near as high as it can go. I thought I'd solved the problem awhile ago by taking my subwoofer off the floor. But... apparently not, because anti DN complained about my music again.

And he was like "could you turn your music down," and I was like, "okay" and was going to shut the door and do it, but he felt the need to add in, yet again, that it's for his stupid kid. I really wish I had the balls to say, "Oh, the same kid that fucking CRYS 24/7 that annoys the shit out of me? I'll turn down my music when you turn down your baby." On top of that, I think it's a BS excuse. If my music annoys you, it annoys you. But don't hide behind your baby--I know damn well that babies don't care what noises are going on while they sleep as long as it's not something sudden or startling. It's also sort of poopy, the other night (and previous nights) I've heard them talking really loud through my floor, so loud that I can hear words. I think they have a loud friend or something. If I have to be quiet, you should be quiet. But I really don't have the energy to go down there and argue about it, especially since I myself don't have a baby I can hide behind.

And... if I still had my subwoofer on the floor, or if I REALLY had the music cranked up, or if this was late at night, I would sort of get it. But this was just sort of annoying and put a downer on my mood.

dsf

Make that bathrobe folks. I have a messed up brain.

Fake christmas everybody!

The Roni & I had our Christmas this week because we probably aren't going to be able to see each other next week. I must say, though I knew it already, he is a total sweetie and got all awesome things without me having to think up stuff. As well as the stuff I mentioned from my stocking earlier, he got me:

-a nice snuggly bathroom with snowflakes on it! I had been wanting a bathrobe since it has gotten colder and I am a lazy slob who happens to have a second shift job (IE I frequently stay in my PJ's until 3 pm when I'm about to go to work, and I've been cold in them and wanted something to put over them)

-http://www.amazon.com/Perry-Bible-Fellowship-Colonel-Stories/dp/1593078447">this, which I'd really wanted when it first came out but couldn't get over my aversion to purchasing hardcover books, and had kind of forgotten about until now. It was seriously one of those "HOW DID YOU KNOW I WANTED THAT!?!?" gifts. I mean, I knew he liked PBF, but this was super sweet.

-Nick Hornby (related) book I didn't even know existed!

--A signed copy of this. I forgot to ask him if he orig. planned on this, or if he decided on it after he realized I was getting him this one.

In addition, I got him an Achewood hoodie that lets the world know he is a very special boy. I made him some of my weird coupons, and then made an oragami box for him that contains a gingerbread man he once made with a cleveland steamer.

We also made Christmas dinner, which took quite some time because the turkey was too frozen and my oven randomly turns off without you wanting it to sometimes. It was still pretty good, not to mention the rolls and such.

My parents also got to partake in fake Christmas, because I had at one point ordered them this for them and it came yesterday. Between that and some goodies Roni got them, they were pretty well set, and it was nice to hear that it increased my mom's appetite (the chemo's been making her not eat).

good times

Man.... the last time I saw my cousin he was three. Now he's in a band. I dunno if I'm biased but they're actually surprisingly not sucky.

No, I have no idea which one he is, other than the fact that I'm pretty sure he's not the foriegn looking one.

hate world revenge soon

Am I becoming even more of a twisted and hateful person? I hope not. But god... I work 6 hours a day. My average call handle time is 5 minutes. I potentially speak to 75 people a day. And I really remember few, if any, good people. My world is full of idiots and jerks. I hate my job, I hate my life. I have no friends, I'm poor, gaining weight at an unhealthy rate, and my job is killing my soul. I finally got a really awesome boyfriend and a nice place to live in... and my mom got cancer. Does that fuck up a person? Can you tell when you become the angry people you hate? All I know is I spend a good portion of my average day hating people. I mean, really hating people. Wanting to punch them in the face hate, and I don't mean that in a jokey way. Maybe they deserve it, but guh. Maybe fate did give me the awesome boyfriend and the nice place just to keep me fucking sane. But if fate is an entity that cares and so did that, why would it submit me to the rest? I don't know if it's killing me but I sure as hell know it's not making me stronger.

Bleh. Sorry for the ranty posts lately. You can probably just blame it all on the shitty weather.

b;ej

I kind of love it when customers at work are idiots in a not particularly annoying way. Because I get to make fun of them, and yet they aren't draining my soul like the ones that persist in their idiocy.

Anyway, I had a dude who had homeowner's insurance with us call in today. He did not have auto insurance with us. But he called in about his car: i.e. his neighbor's tree fell on it, and he wanted to know what we thought he should do about it. I am no insurance expert (literally, I know nothing more than the average person, and maybe even less, they purposefully keep us ignorant so we don't go shooting off our mouths about something we shouldn't) but I think there are at least 3 people I would much rather talk to than my homeowner's insurance co, IE the neighbor, the neighbor's homeowner's insurance co, or my auto insurance co. We really aren't supposed to give people advice, but I told him to talk to those people if he had any questions and he was like, "okay." But I still sent a message to his agent to call him.

I actually worked a double today, which wasn't too bad. I had been dreading it because I hate my job, but I set it up so I had an hour break, and the hate meter kind of got reset at break so it was almost like working two regular shifts that just happened to be on the same day. Because of this, I can and am taking off Thursday so that my Roni and I can celebrate Christmas (it seems like it's going to be difficult to do it on the actual day.

I really, really am not sure what I'm going to do. I talk big about Library science, but I STILL have not actually called up U of I, which I really need to do. I am really bad about putting things off. They also had this development fair at work, recently. And I found out there are actually a LOT of decent sounding jobs in the company. And it seems like my previous assumption, that I would have to take a job in claims first as a stepping stone to a decent job, is erroneous, it might be just as easy to get one of the others as one in claims. But it sounds like for every decent job, there is a lot of competition.

And I really really am sick about how much they tell us how to work the system to get the job we want. There is ALL this BS about networking, and doing activities that show our leadership, and writing up what we do at our current job in this big BSy way like we're so unique and have so much to offer. Dude, I don't want to lie. My current job is just the latest in a long line of jobs I've had that a fucking trained monkey could do. I actually have LESS autonomy to make my own decisions that affect things than I did back when I was in retail. There is almost no way to differentiate yourself, and I don't feel like putting up the effort to pretend like I have. And I think the obsession with displaying leadership is shit. Too many leaders actually fucks things up more than not having enough people with initiative. I think anyone who's ever had a group with a leadership conflict can attest to that. I don't want to be a supervisor, or a manager, I just want a job that I can quietly do in a corner somewhere, have it be something I like (or at least not hate it), do it well, and forget about it until I come in the next day. And I really fucking hate the concept of networking.... it's just so counterintuitive, I think. Instead of hiring someone who does their work the best, you're hiring someone because you happen to have met them at some point and they seem nice or whatever. But you probably don't know what the actual person is like, because they schmoozed you and aren't going to be showing you their faults, so it really has nothing to do with how well they will do their job. What the fuck happened to just doing your best, being the best at it, and being promoted onward? Anyway, I especially hate that they not only acknowledge that these stupid ways are the way to move forward, but they actually encourage us. They aren't giving us any special atvantage, like they seem to think they are. If they tell everyone about this way to get ahead, it's not a way to get ahead. You're just doing more work to stay even with everyone else who went ahead and did what they told you to do. And it's so exhausting for me to even think about doing all this random shit outside of work just to get a better job. I guess I'm not dedicated enough to the company or whatever, but I think my free time should be spent free, instead of worrying about networking or making up BS to tell people. I don't get paid to do this extra work, it doesn't do anything for the company, it's pointless. But I think I'm still a good worker, because I come in and do my work as well or better than any of the people who do the extra networking and BS. I guess I don't do well with competion.

I don't know. It's depressing. And I don't feel like I could escape it even if I left the company, I would just work somewhere else that basically works the same way, albeit possibly on a smaller scale. I just wish I had a job that I could shine at, and be awesome and just show people how great I am, or I could just get that degree and it would open all the doors for me. But I think either is a fantasy and I should just learn to deal with it. I just wish I knew how.

This is a poop song

I was re-watching some Sarah Silverman program, and I am eerily convinced she stole a lot of my bits.

--obsession with poo

--"what has two thumbs and no aids? This girl"

That is all.

bleh

I have a headache, I'm tired, my butt hurts, I've been pooping a lot, and I randomly have gotten dizzy spells. F THIS DAY.

Seriously though, I guess poop and headache are pretty much status quo. The butt I guess is because I was sitting on the floor a lot the last couple days and sit in crappy office chairs a good % of the time no matter what. The tired is getting up early. But the dizziness sucks, and is inexplicable. I know I'm a hypochondriac and by tomorrow I will have probably forgotten it, but it is disturbing and unpleasant for now.

In other news, the last couple days were good because I spent yesterday and a chunk of the day before with my Roni. He is awesome in general but some specific awesomeness is he cooked for me and let me open my stocking early. This included MONKEY CHRISTMAS SOCKS AND a CHRISTMAS MONKEY now dubbed Sexy O'Sullivan (reference to Home Movies). And candy! And a ton of chapstick! AND A WHOREMONICA. And weird coupons!

He rules. None of you other people can have him. HALF PAST YOU'RE TOO LATE.

Goodbye, I have to poop now.

convers

Awesome conversations I have had today:

Me: I was wondering if I could just use your toiletries.
Roni: Like what?
Me: Like bodywash, shampoo, etc.
Roni: Sure, for some reason I thought you meant like, feminine hygiene products or something.
Me: I would be a little scared if you bought me tampons
Roni: I bought them for myself, okay. But you can borrow them. And I MEAN borrow, I want them back after you are finished.
Me: You're cooking lasagna? You need to make marinara sauce?
Roni: It's the special ingriedient. It is all natural.

Chick from work: That was the easiest call ever.
Me: Was it your mom?

*pause*

Me: she's pretty easy.

Un awesome conversations today:

I spoke to every foriegner ever at work today, I think. This includes a dude who spoke exactly like Borat. If it weren't totally unfunny and he didn't have a legitimately foreign sounding name, I would think he was putting me on. I kept expecting him to be like, "Niiiice." Instead, he asked me what the warranty Goodyear sold him on his tires would cover, since he had a flat, and then asked me when the store who sold them would open in the morning. Trying to tell him that I don't know because I don't work for that store, nor do I even live in the same town as him, was like talking to a brick wall.

This also includes a Chinese guy who kept telling me I sounded "sleepy," and told me to "go home and get some rest." He actually said and meant this in a nice way, which is somewhat refreshing compared to the people who lash out at me due to their perception of my tiredness, but it was still fucking annoying.

Then, like I said, 80 other foreigners with the usual problems, i.e. me trying to tell them something, them not understanding, them telling me something, me not understanding.

Oh well. The tampon conversation was pretty awesome.

awesome dream

Man, if my day is half as good as the dream I had last night, I will be doing pretty well. Usually my dreams are these really weird-ass situations, and then change into something even weirder that has nothing to do with the first bit. Anyway, last night I dreamed that I won a contest and got to hang out with They Might Be Giants the whole day. They played two shows and I got to hang out with them in between. The only weird bit was that they were really tiny venues. But it was really, really fun, I felt like a third buddy cop. Most really awesome dreams I feel sad when I wake up because it can never happen, but this dream just made me happy.

Boring, to other people, I know, but I wanted it recorded!

fun

So today I thought was going to be pretty good, we had a team meeing scheduled. Unlike the rest of the world, where I work everyone loves meetings, because it gets us off the phone. Moreover, we were actually going to get to go out and have it at a restaurant and do a little gift exchange thing. But due to the problems in Oklahoma, they cancelled all non essential activities. But then they actually messed up and didn't need to, because there were tons of people. They were even dismissing people early. So that was sort of annoying.

But then I got into candygrams. Basically we don't have to pay or anything, we put someone's name on them and then someone somewhere is going to attach candy to them and give them to the person. I decided to do it for everyone on my team, even though I don't know anyone, because I was bored, and I actually had a lot of fun. I was going to try and not be weird about it, but that was boring so I put fun messages on them even though they are strange. My favorites are:

"I was going to write you a christmas poem but the only thing that rhymes with Christmas is isthmus, and land bridges just don't get me into the holiday spirit."

"Pointsetta is poisonous! Don't give it to your dog or small child if you have one. Learn from my mistakes."

"Even if you don't like candy you should eat this candy because it is a shame to waste candy."

"I like ponies."

"Reindeer are awesome."

"Here is a picture of a candy cane. And I'm giving you candy. Ironic, eh?" I knew it wasn't really irony but I couldn't remember the proper word.

I still have team members left so I will probably do this with my down time tomorrow.

In other news I am a lazy ass bastard and still have not done anything on that list from a few days ago OR cleaned up my place/did laundry like I have been meaning to.

Mammal, mammal, their names are called, they raise a paw

Today I:

--busted the latch on the little gas door on my car

--realized I owe 70 bucks to a doctor from when I freaked out for no reason and decided I had lice this summer. I owe him 70 bucks for looking at my hair for two seconds and saying, "you actually don't have lice."

--had a customer hang up on me in the middle of a claim. When I called him back (which we are required to do during claims, because generally we are disconnected by accident, not by design) I was told, "Oh, I am just going to wait until I can file my claim with someone who knows what they are doing" and was hung up on again. Which, btw, this wasn't even a situation where I was screwing up or couldn't find his info, he just apparently hated answering all my questions, which makes me wonder how he expects to file a claim without answering questions.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME

Things I need to do:

1) see about the wart on my foot I've had FOR HALF A YEAR NOW

2) go to the DMV

3) call up my health insurance company and tell them to pay for the fuckin' flu shot instead of dicking me over

4) call up U of I already for christ's sake. I feel like I am chickening out like a total chicken.

5) call up my butt dr. cause I am pooping blood again intermittently (but I have not FELT sicker lately, so I find it confusing)

6) buy christmas presents for my sister and her husband.

7) get up the energy to research digital cameras cause I was thinking about asking for one for christmas but then it turns out the brand I was interested in sucks

8) pay Creative 25 dollars so they don't ruin my credit or something

10) mailing things

11) cleaning my place

12) banging your mother (again).

yo

COMICS

Slugs
Meijer
Shared Interests
Annoyance
Bathtub

w00t

Also: some new stuff

I forget what my friends look like they forget why they like me

I HAVE THE INTERWEBS!

After much struggle, I have finally triumphed. Hopefully.

The thing I most want to blog about is yesterday I was in the bathroom at work and I overheard a lady on the phone saying:

"Lizards? OH, wizards." Who does not love that? I love that.

I also went to the mall yesterday. This is probably the first time in years I've gone to the mall during Christmas season, and I felt raped. Oh, I only bought two things. One that I needed to get anyway, and then another thing that I was basically walking past the store and the thing was in the window and it was so perfect for the person I was hugely happy. I more mean the people in the kiosks that accost you, or as in my case basically grabbed my hand and started buffing my finger nail and I couldn't escape because I was too polite. I think I probably would've even bought the nail stuff out of politeness if I or anyone I know gave a damn about buffing their nails.

Strangers. Touching me. Making me feel sorry for them and hate them at the same time.

Man... I was bursting with things to say, every day I've not had the internet I've thought of things to blog. But I can't really remember most of them anymore.

more

Status update:

--The Roni: still awesome. We made mashed potatos together! Our song is "Unforgettable." This is because of the line, "Darling it's incredible that someone so unforgettable thinks I am unforgettable too." It makes me feel good about myself when someone likes me. But when it is someone SO awesome it makes it a million times better. Like... "Well, I can trust his opinion that I am awesome, because he is awesome, and he would know." So the fact that someone who is extremely hilarious, smart, sexy, romantic, caring, fun, and just all around great to be with actually loves me.... I'm in a really great mood right now.

--The Condo: mostly awesome. Way more room, I can cook now (sort of), walkable distance from a lot of things, beautiful everything cause I picked it out. I have pretty Christmas lights up, and snowflakes I made. I decided I don't hate my free table as much as I thought. The humping couch survives! I have room for everything! Badness: walls are crazy thin, I hear everyone around me. My downstairs neighbor has complained about my music and his wife parks in the one parking spot in the entire complex that hinders my getting out the driveway. Also: I got missionaries in today trying to tell me about the lord. Still no interwebs.
S
--Work: still poopy. BUT, I did work thanksgiving and the day after and get double time and a half both days! People were really nice to me on Thanksgiving and all "thanks for working on thanksgiving." They catered, too, so I got an entire free thanksgiving meal while I was there. So... between the thanksgiving a la Roni, the one I'm having with my parents, the one work gave me, and the Roni making me mashed potatoes another day.. I ended up with 3 1/2 thanksgivings when I thought I wouldn't even have one! I weirdly ended my day at work on thanksgiving being.... well, thankful.

--My mom: still sick, obviously. Actually since I last blogged in detail she has had a minor heart attack, which was really scary. It turned out to be sort of a blip compared to everything else going on with her, but... It sucks that she's been so tired and not hungry. She still hasn't even seen my new place, which makes me sad because she was so excited about it (maybe even more excited than me) to begin with. I hadn't realized how much I depend on her for so many things, either, until lately. And every time she gets more chemo it seems to set back any progress she's made in getting less tired.

--MP3 player: busted already. I did my homework on brands. I bought an expensive one. And.... still busted. I guess I'm glad I bought the extended warranty, but now I'm sort of annoyed that I just got a random bill for $25 bucks from them for replacing it. So... I paid $200 for it in the first place, $30 for the warranty, then the money to send it back to them... and I get charged another $25 for no reason, basically. I'm thinking of being like "fuck you" and not paying it but I don't really know what the reprecussions of that would be. I'm glad to have it back though. I'm weirdly dependent on it nowadays.

--Christmas gift from work! I got the gift I selected from the catalog. It's a CD player for if I want music when I'm not right by my computer since I live IN AN ENORMOUS PLACE now. As much as I hate my job: the company does treat us pretty well.

That's all I remember for now.

word

1) I still don't have the interwebs but that's changing soon. The guy I was talking to about a discount/whether or not it could be included in my condo fee finally gave up and was like "do whatever you want." I've been looking at DSL today, and it looks like I'd have to get a phone line so I'm thinking of just biting the bullet and going with insight again. If I've learned one thing: it is really annoying not to have the internet at home. I did surprisingly well with not missing it as far as wasting all my time on there like I used to. But it sucks that I'm out of communication with everyone else and that every time I need to look up a phone number or address or directions or try to get my MP3 player fixed...... I have to wait till I can get to my parent's house or the library, and often forget when I am there. I feel doubly dumb at the library because I weirdly have to poop there ALL THE TIME.

2) speaking of which, yeah, my $200 MP3 player is busted, and it's been driving me nuts that I can't play music in the car. It's also stupid that I paid that much for something on the premise that it wouldn't break and now it's broken. But I did orig. cough up the extra money for the extended warranty, so that's good I guess.

3) I HAVE THE MOST AWESOME BOYFRIEND EVER. I think I realized this in the car when we were singing Dschinghis Khan & TMBG together. No. It was when we recorded "Pork Chop Make Out" together. No, it was actually when I came home from work and he had prepared an entire surprise thanksgiving dinner for me.

More later! The parents are home!

yo yo yo what it is

So.... I'm not on often, but I am now occaisionally checking emails etc. at the Libary. True story.