my backpack's got jets

Reason I am a child #202345

I went to the post office today. I bought Star Wars stamps. I was way too excited about it.

it's the great god bird with its altar call

Me: and it probably did bug me the first time you said it
Ryan: haha probably, but that's most of what I say
Ryan: "I masturbate to dead hookers on fire!" "what? you sicko"
Ryan: "I masturbate to dead hookers on fire" "interesting.. go on.."
Ryan: "I masturbate to dead hookers on fire" "Woo! Me too!'
Me: ROFLMAO
Me: it's like I've developed stockholm syndrome


Ryan: but there's nothing good about a musician that plays certain notes and chords, and then can't sing with them
Me: I dunno, I not only not dislike his voice because of what he does I love it more
Ryan: when I listen to wolf parade.. I totally picture some drag queen that is trying to sing like a woman, and is drunk
Me: haha that will make it even awesomer
Me: in my head
Me: when I listen to wolf parade

these convers and more at Gwasas. I mean YEARS of convers. All jumbled up and out of order, even!

in which I illustrate how old I am

Me: oh my god I felt so old yesterday
Ryan: haha why?
Me: this girl in my training class graduated high school the previous weekend, and she was saying that it was horrible (she had a fight with her dad and some stuff)
Me: and I was like, "yeah, sometimes graduation sucks. My high school graduation went okay, but my college one sucked pretty hard."
Me: and this guy sitting near us was like, "how old are you?" to me
Me: and like he wasn't trying to be funny or anything either
Me: so I told him 25 and that that hip replacement surgery was just around the corner for me
Ryan: hahah

how did you feel, being denied these hungry, hungry hippos?

So I hung out with YM last night, and it was awesome. She says she's trying to keep the spirit of Your Mom jokes alive at Borders, but that everyone's like, "Phoe isn't around, it's not funny anymore," which is weirdly sweet (both of her, and them).

Anyway, I miss her, I haven't hung out with her enough since I quit borders, I'm resolving to do it more. I also miss people who don't suck in general. Seriously, I'm not getting along with the people at work. I've finally identified a couple of people who seem to find the same things as I do funny, but all overtures I make have been repelled, not to mention a high percentage of the ones I feel are like me I also feel are douches. Why does it have to be this difficult? I swear, I met one of YM's new roommates tonight, and he and I have had probably more (not to mention more interesting) conversation in the couple of hours we were all watching Donnie Darko together than I have with any of the people at work in the last two weeks. Why is this? Why can I be this comfortable with one stranger and not another?

Note to self: find a hobby that makes me go out and meet people who aren't fucking boring and/or douchey bastards.

glasgow lies bleeding in the afternoon

You know, it's kind of funny, I was happy about my new job being part time. And after I cut ties with Borders, I had no urge whatsoever to get another one to fill in the extra hours, because I value free time more than I do money, and I thought I had enough to support myself (for the most part). Whenever I am busy, all I long to do is have free time.

But I seem to forget whenever I have it, I end up cooped up in my place all day alone, and it drives me nuts. It's not that I can't spend any time alone, it's just that I spend so much. And I'm not as good at it as I was before I had friends.

Also, I wonder what killed my attention span. I used to have ADD, but not like this.

I dunno. Just felt like complainin'

in competition for the worst time

Am I a music snob?

The other day I died inside when I told someone at work that I listen to indie, and they thought it was a band name.

In fact, I hate telling people I listen to indie in the first place, it sounds so pretentious. But the fact is, since I've joined Borders, I pretty much listen to indie or else things that might as well be (on a major label but not a million people listen to it). It was a split second decision, I probably should've just said rock. Because I heart the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Lifehouse and others that are hardly indie. Even Ben Folds is on a major label.

But yeah, if I'm talking to anyone and they tell me what music they like, the only way for them to win is to cite specific bands or say rock.

--If they say indie, I dislike them for being pretentious.
--if they say "just about everything but country or rap" I dislike them for being vague.
--If they say rap or country I dislike them for liking horrible music (country's not so bad, sometimes. Depends on what groups).

But if I try the specific band approach people don't like me because they're like, "who the fuck is Sufjan Stevens?" Or worse, I'll mention Ben Folds, and they won't have heard of him, and then I have to dig up his one hit song from the 90's, and they either still haven't heard of him or think it's horrible (not his best work, I agree). Or probably, in the case of the fetuses I am working with now, they don't remember any of the 90's and I just feel old.

But anyway, yeah I did dislike this person (whose own answer to the question, by the way, was Country) who thought indie was a specific band. Way more than I disliked her for only liking country (I live in the midwest where everyone likes it, and not all country is horrible, so I cut people a little more slack).

So I probably am a horrible person, and I probably do judge people on their musical tastes. But... I can still like the person if they're good otherwise. Also, I get happy when stuff I like gets popular, unlike true indie snobs. I like it when the band I like gets money for making music that I love. I like it when I mention a band I love to someone and they actually have heard of them.

metal now, but I've always been

So last night I had a dream that my parents were trying to give me venison flavored rice a roni.

The night before, I actually had my first nightmare about my new job, though it was rather tame, compared to some job or school related nightmares I've had in the past. Basically just random things, like I couldn't figure out how to operate the phone, and my workstation suddenly started being in Spanish.

And actually the day before that, I did get my first caller hanging up on me, though according to my person helping me that day, that woman was just a jerk who wanted us to do her work for her.

Also, it still sucks that all of my training class is a bunch of 18 year olds. It makes me feel like I've wasted the last 7 years of my life, and I could be way ahead of where I am right now if only I'd somehow gotten this job at 18. It's also a creepy feeling to be almost 10 years older than a good number of my colleagues, I wonder if they think I'm like a middle aged woman trying to "fit in" when I talk to them.

In other news, I got paid yesterday, and it's way better than what I got paid before.

Gold lion's gonna tell me where the light is

Cause doesn't everyone like discussing penises with non strangers:

(this is RE: a snafu I had with Amazon not sending Ryan the birthday gift I got him)

Me: haha fuckers
Me: it's actually yesterday that is the date that if it doesn't come by I can get a reimbursement
Me: but yeah I can't make the claim until the 28th I guess
Ryan: that's pretty stupid
Me: yeah so I have to wait till then, wait to make sure they actually give me my money back, and then try to get this thing somwehre else and send it to you there
Ryan: and then it will arrive
Ryan: and I'll keep it
Ryan: and get two!
Me: haha I don't think you'll want two all that badly
Ryan: is it a wang?
Me: haha no
Ryan: could it be used as one?
Me: if you really really wanted to stick it up your ass, I guess you could
Ryan: woo hoo

cause it already is

Who doesn't love discussing penis with strangers?

Me: please don't stalk me and send me unwanted penis now
Bor: no worries
Bor: i don't take pictures of my penis
Me: phew
Bor: haha.. don't fake it.. you're TOTALLY disappointed
Me: well of course I am. It's like you took away Christmas.
Bor: it's not like I took away xmas... I DID take away xmas
Me: aww, I didn't get the memo this year about christmas being turned into a picture of a man's penis

I regret leaving my soul

Since I'm a no-good punk who doesn't pay attention while I'm being trained, I've started to draw a lot at work. Here are the results.

Orig drawings:

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/55933646/?qo=2&q=by%3Aphoemeister&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps


http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/55932294/?qo=6&q=by%3Aphoemeister&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps


What I do to them when I get home:

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/55932549/?qo=3&q=by%3Aphoemeister&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/55933717/?qo=1&q=by%3Aphoemeister&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps

And yes, I name them after whatever song I think of or am listening to at the time because I have no imagination.

life is short and hard like a bodybuilding elf

Fucknuts. This just isn't my day.

I came out to my car to go to work this afternoon, and the entire back window was shattered. Like... there was a small (fist sized? Little bigger) hole in it, but the whole thing was shattered. And getting into my car and slamming the door made it all fall out. Except for the bits that stayed around the edges so that they could randomly fly out or into the front seat every time I braked or accelerated. My dad is taking care of it though (letting me drive his car, until it's fixed, going to get it fixed). Best dad ever.

Then when I got home I tried to charge my phone, which did not work. So that was un awesome too.

go home and listen to the cure

Saw Spiderman 3 today with my dad. I actually liked it more than I have the others, I think it's mostly because I had low expectations. Honestly, I love Spiderman but the movies just aren't the same for me, so I guess I finally managed to separate the two things.

Also I think I enjoyed it more because Opt was telling me about the emo hair beforehand, and it made me laugh more when I saw it.

this honkey's gone to heaven

Wow, people got concerned about me over my last post. That's really nice :) But just to let you know, I don't think it's my pills or anything. I really AM a lightweight. And when I say that I have never had more than two drinks at once, I mean like really girly drinks (margaritas and such). And usually over a good long period of time.

--Whereas I was on an absolutely empty stomach (I was actually REALLY hungry but didn't feel I had time in between work and meeting my people to eat).

--I sucked down a ton of alcohol, including a long island iced tea, which is really, really alcoholic. It's like 5 parts of hard alcohol to a splash of coke, and in a really big glass. It was pretty much clear.

--I did it all pretty quickly

Up until like a year or two ago I could count the drinks I've ever had on my hand. I still drink once a month or less, probably. And like I said, it's one or two.

So anyway, yeah I'm a total lightweight. No, I'm not going to get drunk again soon, if ever. Yes, I did somewhat MEAN to get drunk, so it actually was my decision. There was talk of more alcohol and I said, "no no no." So it's not like I just randomly woke up in a field somewhere in a pool of my own vomit with my pants down.


Anyway I had a pretty good day, Opt was up from the Paign and we hung out all day. I made awesome cheesy chicken pasta and we played Monkey Island II: Lechuck's Revenge, listened to awesome music including but not limited to the Pixies and Bloodhound Gang, got a free dessert from Borders, talked to Lister & Herd while we were there. She actually came the night before, and we played even more Monkey Island and talked for a million years.

Speaking of yesterday, work seems to be going alright. I suck at what I do (because I don't know what I'm doing yet) and am slightly terrified of fucking up, but I like that I'm one of the few people brave enough to talk to actual customers yet during "buddy time" (when we go out on the floor with an experienced person). I'm hoping that if I keep this up, I'll actually be somewhat decent at my job by the time I'm out of training.

drunkness

So I not only got drunk last night, but at least twice as drunk as I have ever been. But to give you the bigger picture: I still didn't throw up or anything, and this was off only three drinks.

Still, I needed assistance walking. Also, when I woke up I was like, "sweet, no hangover!" But when I ran into like 8 things on my way to the bathroom, I realized I was still really drunk. And taking a shower while still really drunk was a task so difficult as to be nearly impossible (I'm glad I decided to, though, because what I had really wanted to was cook, and I'm sure drunk cooking would've been worse). I'm actually still kind of tipsy at 1 o'clock today, almost 12 hours after I had the alcohol in question. I really, really hope I sober up by the time I have to drive to work at 4.

So that was my second going away party. It was actually just Dance Whore and I for awhile. He said it was alright because he didn't think he was going to miss many people aside from the man clique which is already mostly disbanded, and me, so seeing me was enough. That was really sweet. It was also hilarious (and slightly sad) that he had been drinking since noon and was still way more sober than I was. Then YM and Herd showed up. So I can truthfully say that these three people are the only people on the planet (that I know, anyway) who've actually seen me drunk. Anyway, Dance Whore bought me a long island iced tea and a red headed slut, and then Herd bought us all a lemon drop. I totally knew these would get me hammered (hell, I was drunker than I've ever been after I had the redhead and half the long island), because I've never had more than 2 drinks before and usually limit my consumption to really girly drinks. But I kind of didn't care.

Anyway, pros of being drunk-everything is hilarious. And apparently I'm an amusing drunk. I say witty things like, "I'm so drunk," over and over. Also they're right about alcohol leading to unwanted sexual encounters, because after YM & Herd helped me get home, YM totally got on top of me and gave me a vigorous humping. She also apparently fondled me but I didn't notice at the time. But it was also very reassuring to have them there to help me drink water and get to my bathroom and up my stairs.

Cons of being drunk-I kind of noticed this while they were there, but I either got drunker as time wore on or just wasn't paying attention, but after they left I started feeling like everything was moving around and more dizzy and was having double vision and stuff. And I couldn't fall asleep for the longest time. Then once I did, I kept waking up. I started freaking out a little and had to listen to music to calm myself down, but Modest Mouse freaked me out more and I thought I was too drunk to change cd's. Then in the morning I had this problem all over again, especially after the crazy drunken showering, so I had to watch TV for like 7 hours.

Now I'm more pleasantly buzzed, but I still keep running into stuff. So verdict: not trying that again soon, if ever, but I don't really regret it a whole ton (unless I can't drive to work) either.

sadness

One week of not doing new releases at borders, and I already don't know what is out on DVD or CD yet. It depresses me in a weird way.

so once again I swim in reverie

Today was pretty much "more of the same," though we're finally more learning some actually useful information about what we're going to do instead of just vague things like who founded the company.

I'm also finding my way around better (to the places I've been before, anyway, I bet I would have difficulties finding anywhere new) and to my absolute shock, I don't even think I'm the worst of our group at finding my way around.

touching you touching me

Ryan: I found that if I just comb the sides of my hair
Ryan: it looks like I have a mullet
Ryan: and I had to take a picture
Me: "looks"
Ryan: haha
Me: you have a mullet and you're in denial


Me: no I was pretty annoyed, like some people left early, and they were all the people sitting by me
Me: so I was like left by myself
Me: but I was still sitting by Explosion
Me: and I was complaining about it to him
Me: and the friend of his said, "you're like an island out there"
Me: and I was like, "more of a peninsula, i still have Explosion"
Me: then I turned to Explosion and said, "you're my isthmus, buddy!"
Ryan: hahah
Me: see I can make clean weird jokes too'
Me: which is why I don't understand why none of the people at my new job like my clean jokes
Ryan: because they have no personalities
Ryan: That's part of the security procedure of walking through the doors
Ryan: All personality is removed
Me: how come they missed mine?
Ryan: well they fucked up your security badge didn't they?
Me: hahahah

the man who never returned

Ryan: It sounds like you work in some top secret government facility
Ryan: with crazy hallway mazes and security cards
Me: haha jesus I feel like it sometimes
Me: I spent another 10 minutes wandering around trying to find the right room on the way in today
Ryan: haha
Me: and every time I go through that revolving door I expect it to stop me and trap me
Ryan: maybe it will help your sense of direction
Ryan: haha
Me: haha or completely kill it so badly that I'm left wandering the cubes of the office forever
Me: like that one Kingston Trio song about the man who gets stuck on the train forever cause he doesn't have the money to get off
Me: and his stupid wife brings him sandwiches every day instead of a nickel
Ryan: haha
Ryan: only your stupid wife will bring you tuna helper
Me: LOL
Me: you're a great friend
Ryan: Haha
Ryan: I try
Me: Dang, I gotta find a lesbian who makes tuna helper now
Ryan: haha you totally should

like trying to hide the daylight from the sun

So, it makes me sad. I might be alarmist, but the people in my training class aren't my kind of people. I'm becoming friendly with the chick who sits next to me, but like... what we talk about is smalltalk, not real talk. And on break if I'm ever in a group of these people, my "non standard" outbursts about anything that isn't boring are pointedly ignored.

I don't know, maybe it's not so much people as the environment. Or maybe not everyone wants to be all weird like me right off. I used to be like that, but Borders kind of killed my self-preservation instincts. Now if I want to be friends with people I act like me and if they don't like it, fuck them. Though of course this attitude is somewhat tempered by the fact that I know I will be fired if I start talking about burning hookers, so I guess it is a little watered down. But I don't know, maybe it's a good thing I'm not making buddies. Talking too much was what got me in trouble with my last job.

Anyway, I knooow there has to be someone good in there. They hired me, after all. And I have known not horrible people who have worked there. And I know not horrible people who WANT to work there. I just have to figure out how I'm going to find them.

In other news, I AM a fan of the constant influx of free food, though I'm sure I'll be 20 lbs heavier by the end of training.

that thing's just lucky I'm not armed

First day of work!

Verdict: yes, I do hate sitting down all day. Plus, having to pay attention to people talking. I always forget I have ADD until I'm stuck in a situation where I have to pay attention to things for long periods of time. Then, it's like, "Oh, I kind of forgot this would be HELL."

Anyway, still better than Afni. There was not quite the air of desperation around the place, and I think I might eventually become friends with the chick sitting next to me, we bonded over tales of retail terror (hers, of course, were better cause she worked at Wal Mart).

It is REALLY hard to find stuff there. Like, really hard. It is a conglomerate of a ton of buildings all connected, various floors, total cubicle farm, etc. etc. And on top of that it's really poorly designed, wider corridors you think definitely would lead to something don't, and you end up having to go through some weird little corridor to get to where you actually want. And on top of that, I can't find my way around most places that aren't that bad. So I spent 20 minutes on my break wandering around lost. On the upside, when I stopped to ask for directions, I met a woman who seriously had no idea what escalators are.

Me: Do you know how to get to place with the escalators?
Her: *confused look* Escalators?
Me: Like with the tables around them and all the windows?
Her: Oh, you mean the stairs that go up and down.
Me: Yeah, the escalators.
*she then gives me the directions*

Also, the place is well decorated, so it's pretty nice for a cube farm. Also, you get anywhere near a window and it's absolutely gorgeous. And since they know this fact, there are these huge plate glass windows everywhere.

Another awesome thing is I found out about shift differentials. Which basically mean that you get paid 10% more to work a swing shift, and 15% more to work a late shift. And all my shifts are swing, so I get basically a buck more an hour for doing something I kind of prefer anyway. I also found out I'm not working the one day a week it is most busy, hectic, and unpleasant.

An un-awesome thing is that they did something wrong when they were making my security badge so when I went to leave for the day, the revolving door stopped. I totally freaked out, and yelled, "Son of a bitch!" at the top of my lungs in front of half the people I just had training with (I already can tell and am sad that I'm not going to get away with the profanity and sexual harassment I did at my previous job). But then it slowly started going backwards and I was able to get out and talk to the Security Personnel who fixed it.

Lastly, but not least, I was the only one who brought lunch. And they insisted on giving us this long ass tour (pointless anyway because the lady who gave it kept getting lost and going crazy long routes to get to things, I was glad I had comfy shoes, other people were not so lucky) before we did anything, so I had to carry around my tuna helper the whole time. I, at one point, literally thought the exact words, "this tuna helper is an albatross around my neck." And then comparing my situation to the Rime of the Ancient Mariner made me giggle.

we love that game but we never play

I had a dream last night where Sufjan Stevens (and weirdly, in the way that can happen only in dreams, he was two other people who I've known, too) fell into a coma and I nursed him back to health. Afterwards, he didn't really seem grateful. We didn't even talk as much as we apparently used to. I kind of wondered if he was brain damaged. But people kept telling me that he kept saying how great I was.

last last day

Today was mostly a better last day, maybe because I mentally prepared myself? Anyway, I'm glad I went. There were a couple of things I really wanted to do before I quit.

--get photos of myself dry humping inanimate objects in the children's section. YM aided me in this quest. So soon, I should have a photo of myself humping "The Little Engine That Could," a cardboard penguin from "Happy Feet," and a display of DK children's dictionaries.

--I took my nametag home last time so I made myself a new one today. On one side I wrote that my name was, "Cornelius" (homage to Fight Club). On the other side I wrote that my name was, "I Like Ponies." I answered the phone as "Louise" once.

--I broke out all my old jokes I used at register from back when I started.

--When someone denied Borders Rewards in a cranky manner I said, "I don't care about Borders Rewards. It's my last day. I also wrote that my name is "I Like Ponies" on my nametag."

--I called registers from the children's section and squeezed a stuffed Walter the Farting Dog to make his farting noise into the phone one last time. This was meant for Getz, but Ponytail geek answered and party-pooperly said, "Bad idea. There's a line." Then later Getz yelled at him for being snotty to me.

--Elaine was kind of upset with me when she asked me plan (plan is how much money we aim to make for the day, Borders has lately been rather gestapo about making employees memorize this every day) and I said "Plan is "it's my last day." I had actually meant to say, "Plan is "it's my last day and I don't care," but I could already tell halfway that this was not going to fly. I also think she was somewhat angered when she came up behind me when I was telling people in the cafe, 'I don't plan to do any acutal work today." But she cheered up later in the day, and said it was some other reason she was cranky, not me.

--I got to say goodbye to Getz and Larry and Ponytail geek. And re-say goodbye to Kevin. Who, earlier in the day did his impression of Kit from KnightRider doing an impression of Mr. T. and refusing to do algebra.

--Imagine this scenario: a kid comes up to you and wants you to find Buckethead. And it turns out you don't have any. So then his second choice is your absolute favorite musician of all time. You die inside a little. Yes, this is what happened to me today, the Buckethead kid followed up his request for Buckethead with Ben Folds. Is it just me, or is that craaazy unsimilar music there? Dance Whore tried to make me feel better by saying that Buckethead has collaborated with Les Claypool, who is a really good musician. And it worked. Herd tried to make me feel better by saying that he likes Buckethead. Which made me feel worse. Good times.

--I saw Metalhead Ed one last time. Sadly, no Christmas Tool.

--I got to work alongside my high school homeroom teacher for the first and last time.

--Some random woman complimented me on my Staff Pick description of the new Modest Mouse album.

--I bought and consumed 75% off chocolate for the last time as a Borders employee.

--I listened to Nada Surf on the overhead, a band that has been on the Borders overhead ever since I started there two years ago. Also Minus Story, and Wolf Parade, which reminds me of Mouse. Also the Cribs, which reminds me of Opt. Also Of Montreal, which reminds me of Mulva.

--YM and I made humping motions at each other in front of a brand new employee.

--I came up with my last "two of my coworkers should be buddy cops!" scenario. Herd's been comparing himself to Bruce Willis since he has shaved his head. Hence, he really needs to be part of Diehard 'N' Darlene.

--I got to take part in this conversation. Mostly funny only if you know these people. Several in jokes involved.

Getz: Ponytail Geek, if Lister invited you over to a party without me, you wouldn't go, right?
PG: No, I wouldn't.
Getz: HA! That's what you get, Lister. You're so mean to me, and I even bribed you with Dr. Who buttons.
Me: Lister, how come I wasn't invited to this hypothetical party?
Lister: If I had a hypothetical party, Phoe would be hypothetically invited!
Getz: If he had a hypothetical party, Phoe and I wouldn't come because he's such a jerk!
Me: Getz, you should have a hypothetical party of your own the same night. That would show him.
Getz: Yeah, and everyone would come to my party, not his!
Lister: Yeah? I would hypothetically have free beer.
Me: Aww, Getz. You just got hypothetically owned.
Getz: Well I would hypothetically have free beer AND free snacks.
Lister: I would have all my guests picked up in hypothetical limos.
Getz: Bribery! Lister has to bribe people to be his friends!
Me: But didn't you already bribe him to be your friend with those buttons?
Getz: He asked to be bribed!
Kevin: I could bribe someone with a cool Idlewild poster.
Me: So, what music would you guys have? Because as I see it now, the choice is between Rush and Pink, and I don't know if I could take either all night.
Getz: I would have lots of different music! Unlike Lister, I don't listen to just one band. And I would have angry metal for Herd! You'd come to my party, right?
Herd: I would probably sample both parties.
Lister: I would let my guests pick the music!
Me: What if I picked Sufjan Stevens?
Lister: And I'd have Kevin play first! And I'd have Brian DePalma there so Kevin would come!
Me: Would either of you have pirates or ninjas at your party?
Getz: I would have real pirates! Peg legs, parrots, everything!
Lister: Everyone at my party would be dressed like a ninja.
Kevin: This should be a reality show, like those dating shows where people ask how the date would be. Only you would have to actually have these parties afterwards.
Me: OH MY GOD. I just imagined Lister sitting around at a party with Brian DePalma and a bunch of Ninjas, and it was THE MOST HILARIOUS THING EVER.

Then I think Lister tried to draw in George Lucas or something to gain Ponytail Geek's attention, but by that time I had a customer to deal with and wasn't really paying attention anymore.

--I hugged Lister. Who actually, earlier in the day said, "I know where you live," in reference to me having a book checked out I have to return. So when I was leaving, I told him Kevin also said "I know where you live," to me and hugged me on my first last day. Kevin said, in his perfect deadpan way, "We'll always have first last day."

and....

Oh another regrettable thing last night is I think I started to annoy YM some. Surely, everyone knows by now that if someone has a digital camera I'm going to attempt to steal it from them and photograph my nostrils. That's just me, that's how I roll. People are used to it.

But I think I started getting obnoxious, doing similar glamour shots of my mouth, ear, armpit, and attempts at really close up pictures of YM's eyes, which were not really pleasant for her due to the flash. So I appologize, YM. You are a good friend, and I hope my annoyingness does not in anyway affect your resolve to help me photograph myself humping inanimate objects in the children's section on my last day at Borders.

I like ponies

So I had my farewell get together last night. At a bar. Which I hate. But actually last night wasn't too horrible. The new smoking ban makes it a lot better, but I can't say the same for the loud obnoxious music. And then I finally decided to pay outrageous jukebox prices, but it was later than I realized and we had to leave before most of my songs played.

But I saw Hootie, which was really good. Her and I haven't really gotten to see each other much lately. And she came earlier than anyone else, and somewhat before the loudness of the music set in, so we got to talk a little bit.

Then YM showed up, which is always awesome. Again, I haven't hung out with her in a little while, but I think we're going to remedy that soon because the semester's over and she doesn't have to constantly worry about class the whole time.

Then Explosion showed up, and he lent his psychotic happiness to the proceedings. He also brought some random friend who'd been friends with another friend of mine, so I'd kind of met him before. The friend was like, "So, why're you quitting borders?" and I said, "Because Tami's a fucking bitch." Which I think surprised him. But it's oh so true. Other epithets I used for her throughout the night were "dickface," and "hosebeast."

Then last but not least was Herd. Who also brought a friend who I kind of met before at his birthday party. Herd had a good time for about half an hour throwing tiny crumpled up pieces of paper at the friend who totally kept not realizing what was going on. I had a good time laughing maniacally every time he got a solid hit, blowing his attempts to look casual.

I was a little sad that there wasn't slightly higher turnout (Elaine, for one, had said she was coming, and Dance Whore I had thought was a definite). I was kind of mad at Dance Whore for not showing up, because he sort of was co host, because he's also leaving, and had kind of decided on the time and the bar. So I left him an angry note on Facebook and found out.... it was supposed to be NEXT thursday.

So like how I had a fake "last day," and fake tearful goodbyes, I guess I will now have a fake going away party, and have to have a second.

Oh, other thing I hate about bars: I apparently suck at ordering alcohol for myself. What I usually want is one of those fruity flavored Bacardi "malt beverages," that come in a little bottle. The last time I went to a bar, for some reason I thought they were wine coolers, so I asked for that, the bartender laughed at me, and gave me a fuzzy navel instead. And then I had to explain to everyone at my table that I was a loser drinking a fuzzy navel.

This time I was like, "Bacardi Razz?" And the lady was like "what mixer do you want with that?" and I'm thinking, oh shit. This is not what I signed on for. So I asked for my choices and it was basically cranberry juice or sprite. So I said cranberry juice, and it was pretty good.

So for my second drink I confidently walk up to the bar, "Bacardi Razz and cranberry juice please?" I get a different bartender from before, and she's like, "Oh I'm sorry, all we have is Bacardi Silver." And I'm like, whatever I don't care I just want a drink without it being a big production for once. "That's fine," I say. So she puts this glass on the bar that looks like what I had before. And I stick around, cause YM's there ordering something.

The bartender looks at me, and is like, "Uh... that's yours" and points to this bottle of stuff which is pretty much what I wanted in the first place from the first bartender (only I'm pretty sure it tastes seven uppy not rasberry, because it was bacardi silver). And I'm like... "Okay," and take it, so I'm holding what I had before AND the new bottle of stuff. And she can tell I'm all confused. And she's like, "I didn't charge you for the cranberry juice." So I'm thinking, why put it right there? So then she's like, "you wanted them mixed?" and I'm like, "uh yeah but this is fine." And then she laughs and is all, "You thought there was alcohol in that? That's soooo cute!" Now I just want to run for the exits. I'm like, "it's fine I'll just take these," but then we get back to the issue where I haven't paid for the cranberry juice. Then finally it hits her, "you wanted bacardi RAZZ mixed with cranberry juice?" "yes, yes I did." So she goes back and makes what I ordered and hands it off to me with one last, "oh that's so cute." and I wanted to kick her in the face. And I had to endure some creepy old drunk guy who was there getting two inches from my face and saying, "it sounds like a failure of communication, heh heh!"

I really need to start drinking screwdrivers or something. Does anyone get confused and say, "Oh a screwdriver, what's that?" or "what do you want in your screwdriver?" No. Unless you're in England. Where they are just boring and call them "vodka and orange juice." Which is also pretty straightforward?

damn it feels good to be a gangsta

Man, I realized. I really do feel better if I am working on a project, however small or weird or stupid. In fact, if those three adjectives apply, I'm probably even more enthusiastic.

Anyway, my latest project was inspired by this conver I had with YM:

Me: I had that buduhbuduhba song in my head the other day
YM: I dislike that song. Haha
Me: my parents bought some pop
Me: and there was a sweepstake on the back of the box where you could meet that band
Me: I thought of signing up under your name :P
YM: haha
YM: That would be so hilarious.
YM: It wouldn't be fun unless you went with though.
Me: oh of course I would
Me: I would insist on being a douche
Me: and doing my impression of the band to their face
Me: over and over
Me: I'd be like, you know that song you do? "buuuuduhbuhduhbuh!"
YM: haha
YM: That would be the best.
Me: haha I should call up my parents and tell them to save the box
Me: it's not too late!
YM: hahaha
YM: You're great Phoe.

Then I decided I HAD to make it happen, and IMed and emailed and myspaced and facebooked everyone possible, trying to make them sign up and then let us go in their place if they won.

I really weirdly do become obsessive about things. And now I really really really have my heart set on this. It'll be such a bummer if YM & I can't annoy Gym Class Heroes.

So.... apparently I am still working Saturday? I guess I read the schedule wrong. But I'm still not working today (obviously) or next week. I went back there to return a book I'd checked out and both Kevin and Tami were like, "uh did you know you actually work on Saturday?"

I said I would, because I don't want to be one of those lame people who doesn't show up for their last shift and shivs the other people who have to pick up the slack. But I feel really lame, because I already had my tearful goodbyes and all of that. And then it's going to be like, "hey guys, that was wrong, THIS is my last day!"

I still can't tell whether or not Tami was trying to screw me or be helpful, but I guess I don't have to care anymore.

In other news, Ryan has a suggestion on how I should spend my REAL last day:

Ryan: haha that's really lame
Ryan: seriously, just don't go in
Ryan: screw them
Me: I already said I wouuuld
Ryan: laaaame
Ryan: just go in and masturbate in the bathroom all shift
Ryan: or hell, it's your last day, do it in the kids section

ass pie

Me: spite vagina!
Me: that could be my superpower
Ryan: hahah
Me: spite vagina activate!
Ryan: "Are you angry? have sex with me?!"
Me: haha
Me: I like how spite vagina is right above the post named monkey tits
Me: my other superpower is that I have breasts
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: that's a good power!
Me: I'm superior over men and monkeys!
Me: look, they jiggle!
Ryan: haha yes, yes you are
Me: "I'm slightlly more bouyant, this could be useful in a flood"
Ryan: monkeys totally drown in floods
Me: haha
Me: they can't climb trees?
Ryan: not in really big floods that cover trees
Me: I think in really big floods my breasts would not be that big of an atvantage
Me: it'd have to be a lame flood for my boobs to be the deciding vote on whether or not I survive
Ryan: even still, monkeys'd just save themselves
Ryan: and let you drown
Ryan: no way a monkey could carry a man up a tree in a flood
Ryan: haha
Me: my boobs could carrya man up a tree in a flood?
Ryan: if that's the case, at least you could flash them before they die
Me: holy shit, first spite vagina now this
Me: I'm fuckin awesome
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: rescue boobs, and spite vagina
Ryan: all you need now is an ass that can bake a pie
Ryan: and you got it made

spite vagina!

Me: oh my god this is awesome
Me: she's talking about a guy she wants me to message on OKcupid
Me: so basically I said "hi, you said you are a nerd, I'm a nerd too" then pasted in most of the conver where she tries to make me message him
Me: and now she's all freaking out
Ryan: hahah
Me: because she thinks he'll hate her for saying she tells his roommate he's gay
Ryan: maybe he'll try to prove her wrong with your vagina
Me: haha lucky me
Me: it's like a dream come true
Ryan: haha
Me: someone will finally use my vagina out of spite!

monkey tits

Me: See that's one reason I hate men (non shitty ones excluded). They're all, "high maintenance women suck."
Me: but then they're like, "oooh pretty lipstick I'll date that one"
Ryan: haha
Ryan: that's kind of stereotyping
Me: I said non shitty ones excluded
Ryan: there's different types of high-maintenence
Me: most of my guy friends I include in the non shitty category
Me: for all that most of them would probably rather date a monkey than me
Ryan: aww
Ryan: monkeys are pretty cool though
Me: haha you got me there
Me: that tail can do a lot of things
Ryan: so don't take that as an insult
Me: I really can't compete with that
Me: I couldn't bring insulin to someone going into diebetic shock
Ryan: haha
Me: that's too much responsibility
Ryan: it really is
Ryan: best to just go with sexual favors
Me: haha
Me: "I know it's no MONKEY blowjob, but I'm cheaper."
Ryan: haha
Ryan: plus, you have breasts
Ryan: I dont' think most monkey boobs are all that good
Me: haha, thanks
Me: I should put out a personal ad
Me: "According to my friend Ryan, my tits are better than that on a monkey." :P

I spend all my energy standing upright

Well Tami found one last way to shank me before I left. I specifically requested the 15th as my last day, and she okay'd it. I even signed a sheet to this effect (though I'm sure at this point if I started an arguement with her, she would say she "lost" it).

But apparently today was my last day.

Yeah I looked at the schedule and she took me off Weds and Sat (which there had been a schedule up saying I worked those days, that she never notified me when it changed), and I was not on next week's schedule.

Some people (especially Dance Whore) said I should fight it, but the thing is: I have wanted to just be gone ever since I quit. I only gave notice to not be a dick. So if she's actually giving me what I want....? Evs. Though, speaking of Evs, I felt really bad when I was leaving. Neither Elaine nor Kevin had anticipated me leaving so soon, and were both sad that I was. It kind of annoyed me that none of us got a chance to really prepare for me leaving.

And man, I enjoy Kevin.

Me: I'll miss you!
Kevin: Don't worry, I'll keep in touch. I know where you live.

Sadness that I have to leave these people.

But I did have a moment of awesomeness, I brought in Smells Like Phoe to torment her. I'm glad I didn't wait till what I thought was my last day. Quick refresher: that is a CD I once burned that is all covers of Smells Like Teen Spirit. For some reason or whatever, Tami thinks Nirvana is sacred and should never be covered. So.... yes. Elaine and Happy weren't that excited about my musical choice, but I did happen to talk to Giggles before anyone else came, and he agreed with the postulate, "Tami hates covers of Smells Like Teen Spirit and I hate Tami. Therefore I must bring in covers of Smells Like Teen Spirit," so he didn't give me any troubles.

I must be sick or something, I actually like the CD. First off, there are some actually good covers on there. And then the bad ones are just so bad they make me laugh, so go back to good again. I'm telling you, I couldn't get the smile off my face when "Smells Like Teen Booty," the mashup of SLTS and the Destiny's Child hit "Bootylicious" played. It's just so ridiculous. I think it also reminds me of the first time Opt and I had racist pancakes, and discussed which songs I should put on there, then watched They Might Be Giants videos. So anyway, I do actually occaisionally listen to it even when there's no one around to torment.

I had another interesting revelation. This regular customer that sometimes gives us food brought in brownies and I had one and it made my colon explooode. So I spent much of my last shift on the toilet. And at one point I found myself thinking, "Oh well, it made the time pass faster." Then I just realized I admitted to myself that I would rather have bowel clenching pain than work there anymore. So I guess it's all for the best that I'm leaving.

we still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence

"Gee, what did you do with your weekend?"

"I got sick on rice a roni and read Augusten Burroughs books in between the painful bowel movements."

So... no one ask. That's just not a conversation you want to have.

I just realized..

that for months I meant to make a reference to the Jonathan Coulton song "The First of May" on the first of May, and then I missed it.

However, I did come across a "corporate" looking blog template, and made it revolve around his song "RE: Your Brains" where he combines corporate zombies with actual zombies. This is my weird way of celebrating the fact that I got a "real job" that I'll be starting soon.

Here is a picture of the aforementioned Jonathan Coulton. With a stuffed weasel. Enjoy.



(I also enjoy the random scary guy in the background)

in my head there's a greyhound station

Man, I love (and will miss) my manager Elaine. On myspace I sent out a bulletin about quitting, and she commented on my profile with this picture of an Indian shedding a single tear.

I thought I loved you, it was just how you looked in the light

I had a dream last night, and I can't remember all the details. It was kind of this weird thing I have in a lot of my dreams where I am in a TV show or movie that my brain makes up. Like... I can tell it's not real, that I'm in some sort of narrative, not my real life, but I apparently tell myself, "movie" not "dream." Anyway, usually I am the "main character" but I think there were some other people that were supposed to be, so the whole time I'm vaguely aware of what's going on with them. And like, we were all stuck in some office building for some reason that was never really articulated.

So at one point I was talking to a guy. I can't really remember what he looked like, just average, but he had some witty banter and was making me laugh, so I was kind of into him. Then, I can't remember why, if it came up in conversation, or if he just leaned over or something, or what. But I blurted out, "I don't like to be touched!"

And he just smiles, and leans in and kisses me.

This isn't like a make out or anything, just a little peck on the right corner of my mouth. I don't really feel lust or anything, just an overwhelming sense of panic. But a good panic, weirdly. Like, "HOLY SHIT THIS DUDE JUST KISSED ME." It seemed to last an eternity.

I was really confused when I got up and couldn't tell if it was real or not. I've had dreams where someone's held me, but I've never really kissed or had sex in a dream that I can remember. But it still seemed familiar at the same time.

Anyway, notable, for me. Part of me wants to be ultra supersticious (sp?) and be like, "it means I'm going to find that dude in real life!" but most of me is all, "Way to get my stupid hopes up, dreams. Never going to happen in a million years."

Good times.

Feel good

Fuck you, Borders Books & Music in Bloomington Normal. Actually, more to the point, fuck you, Tami Whiteaker, general manager of Borders Books & Music in Bloomington Normal.

Yes. Today I quit, so I feel free to name names.

Tami Whiteaker, you are the sludge of humanity. You are a filthy lying backstabber and you suck at both leading people AND the simple logistics of running a goddamn retail establishment. You are a small, small person hellbent on making people hate everything around them the way you do. I hope you and your douchebag husband die so that there's some chance that your kids will be adopted by decent people who won't teach them that being a fucking bastard is the way to live their lives.

That out of the way, here is how it went down. I got a lengthy note in my mailbox today from her that's basically all, "You shouldn't have gone to Elaine, I am in charge of scheduling now, and you should know that because it's posted everywhere." Yeah, I get that, HOSEBEAST. I'm not a MORON. The availability sheet that sparked off this whole shitstorm, I did put it in your goddamn mailbox, did I not? I just fucking hate talking to you and would rather go through an intermediary. Then it goes on to tell me that since I no longer have weekend availability, I have to get busted down from "part time" employee to "contingent."

This is shit because:

1) contingent people just work when other people call in sick, and not very often at that. On top of which, they get no employee discount. Because they are barely employees.
2) Months ago when I wanted to work at Afni, I worked this out with Elaine, and the whole "one day a week" thing was approved. Then later I tried to get more hours, weekends, any day, whatever, and they said, "no, we want to keep it like it is now." So then they randomly decide to give me more hours, and I say, "no, I want to keep it like it is now," and I all the sudden have to be busted down to contingent? Fuck that noise. You weren't there for me when I needed you, I'm not going to do what you goddamn say now.

So I was like, "yeah, time to quit." I wanted to say what I said in the last paragraph, perhaps full of righteous anger and bust Tami down to size, but instead I was just like, "yeah I quit," kind of matter-of-factly, and gave my notice.

Anyway, it kind of makes me mad to quit. Because I'm basically just giving Tami what she wants. Since Borders made it so she can't fire anyone (because they got sued cause she basically fired a guy for having Diabetes right around when I first started) she has become a pro at making Borders so unpleasant that people have to quit. So I have had a feeling for quite a while now she's been trying to run me off, and she's finally getting what she wants. But on the other hand, I don't have the time or emotional energy to pour into staying at Borders just to spite her.

Plus, I have a feeling I should've gotten out awhile ago. A year ago, at least, right after the first time she fucked me. Back when the ratio of good Borders memories outweighed the memories of Borders dicking me over. Back when I actually still was a good employee, so that if I ever wanted to get hired on at a different Borders again, I'd be taken (with that eval, I doubt if I ever move to another town and want a job at Borders, I'd get it).

I hold onto things way too long. I had thought it was just friendships where the other person had ceased caring, but I guess this job is another example. I actually feel like my life is a Lifetime movie and Borders is the abusive husband that keeps getting drunk and beating me but I keep coming back because I remember the good times from back before it became a drunken asshole, and I do know that part of Borders does love me. But now I'm finally listening to my friends who've been telling me that it's never going to get better, and I should leave now before it lands me in the hospital again.

Also, I was actually talking to Ryan the other day and he was telling me about this one anime he watches that's been annoying him lately, because they've basically spent all this time developing these characters and getting you really invested in them, and then just kind of killing most of them off at once for stupid reasons, and there's no reason to watch it anymore. And I replied, "Yeah, that's how I feel about Borders. 'All my favorite characters are dead anyway.'" I meant it as a joke initially, but then I realized that IS how I feel. Yeah, I'll miss Kevin and Elaine and YM, but seriously.... And I'll really be sad when someone finally replaces the Van Morrison "Pay the Devil" poster that I've tried (and succeeded) to keep on Main Info for a ridiculously long amount of time. And I'll miss making employee of the month posters for my friends.

But it's not worth the anguish, yes, anguish that Tami Whiteaker, hosebeast extraordinaire, inflicts.

In other news, I'm trying to decide if (and if so, how) I should tell her to fuck off when I leave. I kind of have nothing to lose, with that eval on file I probably would never get hired at another borders again if I wanted to.

why?

THE STORE IS RETARDED.

Wait, nevermind. That is mean to the mentally challenged. It's not their fault they don't function the way regular people do. Whereas the store is INSANE, possibly even to the point of being malicious about it.

Remember how they didn't want to give me more hours when I really needed them because I'm a substandard employee? And just last week I got the eval that says I'm shitty too? And I haven't mentioned it, but they are lean on payroll right now. I know at least two people who've been complaining about how much the store's cut their hours.

Yeah well now they randomly gave me more hours that I don't really need or want. WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME. I guess this is because last week I re-submitted my availability? I just did it so that they wouldn't randomly schedule me again when I'm working the other job, or if they want to call me when someone's sick. But I guess they took it as license to give me unwanted hours. On top of this, they randomly took my 6 a.m. to 2 or 3 p.m. shift on Tuesdays, the one shift I was willing to work and already working and we were all agreed on, and split it so that it's two 6-11 a.m. shifts. Now it's somewhat appealing, as I get a lot more done while the store's closed, and hate customers, but I really don't want to have to get up at 6 a.m. twice a week, especially since the new job is going to be afternoons and especially especially since the one shift is on my day off. Which, by the way, the extra hours they are scheduling me would be on my other day off. So basically: no days off.

Reasons why this makes me ragingly angry (might be some repeat of the previous para):

1) the not telling me first.
2) the fact that they wouldn't give me these hours back when I really needed them, and in fact made me feel like shit about myself because they wouldn't.
3) the fact that they are giving me them now when I really don't want them and don't want to have to argue with them to make them take them back.
4) the fact that the store is low on payroll to begin with and a lot of other people who have actually been asking for more hours won't get these hours.
5) the fact that they looked at the availability form I showed them, and picked what are clearly both my days off to give me these extra hours.
6) the fact that they're randomly deciding it would be convienient for them to make me wake up at 5 a.m. twice a week instead of once a week. Again without telling or asking me! And it's not like I need the extra time while the store's closed, I do get my shit done every week, occaisionally with time to spare.

I know it seems jerkish to "look a gift horse in the mouth," since I really did want these hours awhile ago, but it's really annoying that they didn't even talk to me to see if I still wanted them after I'd obviously picked up another job. Anyway, I wrote a note to Elaine about it. I tried to get up the balls to just ask AC about it, since she was there, and it would probably seem pretty strange to them that I didn't ask the person who was 1) available to me and 2) actually in charge of scheduling, but really, I decided I couldn't do it. Not so much that I'm afraid of AC, but that I find it difficult not to snap her neck with my bare hands when we're just having small talk, much less if she said something that actually affects me. So I'm more afraid of what I would do to AC. At least that's how I justify it. And Elaine already knows I fucking hate AC's guts, so hopefully she can buffer whatever the outcome of this thing is and prevent me from committing homicide. Anyway, I figure I can just quit if the store decides to be a dick about this, so that's how I'm keeping myself calm, for the moment. Hopefully I'll know if the situation's resolved by tomorrow WHEN I HAVE TO FUCKING GO IN THERE AT 6 a.m. AGAIN.