last last day

Today was mostly a better last day, maybe because I mentally prepared myself? Anyway, I'm glad I went. There were a couple of things I really wanted to do before I quit.

--get photos of myself dry humping inanimate objects in the children's section. YM aided me in this quest. So soon, I should have a photo of myself humping "The Little Engine That Could," a cardboard penguin from "Happy Feet," and a display of DK children's dictionaries.

--I took my nametag home last time so I made myself a new one today. On one side I wrote that my name was, "Cornelius" (homage to Fight Club). On the other side I wrote that my name was, "I Like Ponies." I answered the phone as "Louise" once.

--I broke out all my old jokes I used at register from back when I started.

--When someone denied Borders Rewards in a cranky manner I said, "I don't care about Borders Rewards. It's my last day. I also wrote that my name is "I Like Ponies" on my nametag."

--I called registers from the children's section and squeezed a stuffed Walter the Farting Dog to make his farting noise into the phone one last time. This was meant for Getz, but Ponytail geek answered and party-pooperly said, "Bad idea. There's a line." Then later Getz yelled at him for being snotty to me.

--Elaine was kind of upset with me when she asked me plan (plan is how much money we aim to make for the day, Borders has lately been rather gestapo about making employees memorize this every day) and I said "Plan is "it's my last day." I had actually meant to say, "Plan is "it's my last day and I don't care," but I could already tell halfway that this was not going to fly. I also think she was somewhat angered when she came up behind me when I was telling people in the cafe, 'I don't plan to do any acutal work today." But she cheered up later in the day, and said it was some other reason she was cranky, not me.

--I got to say goodbye to Getz and Larry and Ponytail geek. And re-say goodbye to Kevin. Who, earlier in the day did his impression of Kit from KnightRider doing an impression of Mr. T. and refusing to do algebra.

--Imagine this scenario: a kid comes up to you and wants you to find Buckethead. And it turns out you don't have any. So then his second choice is your absolute favorite musician of all time. You die inside a little. Yes, this is what happened to me today, the Buckethead kid followed up his request for Buckethead with Ben Folds. Is it just me, or is that craaazy unsimilar music there? Dance Whore tried to make me feel better by saying that Buckethead has collaborated with Les Claypool, who is a really good musician. And it worked. Herd tried to make me feel better by saying that he likes Buckethead. Which made me feel worse. Good times.

--I saw Metalhead Ed one last time. Sadly, no Christmas Tool.

--I got to work alongside my high school homeroom teacher for the first and last time.

--Some random woman complimented me on my Staff Pick description of the new Modest Mouse album.

--I bought and consumed 75% off chocolate for the last time as a Borders employee.

--I listened to Nada Surf on the overhead, a band that has been on the Borders overhead ever since I started there two years ago. Also Minus Story, and Wolf Parade, which reminds me of Mouse. Also the Cribs, which reminds me of Opt. Also Of Montreal, which reminds me of Mulva.

--YM and I made humping motions at each other in front of a brand new employee.

--I came up with my last "two of my coworkers should be buddy cops!" scenario. Herd's been comparing himself to Bruce Willis since he has shaved his head. Hence, he really needs to be part of Diehard 'N' Darlene.

--I got to take part in this conversation. Mostly funny only if you know these people. Several in jokes involved.

Getz: Ponytail Geek, if Lister invited you over to a party without me, you wouldn't go, right?
PG: No, I wouldn't.
Getz: HA! That's what you get, Lister. You're so mean to me, and I even bribed you with Dr. Who buttons.
Me: Lister, how come I wasn't invited to this hypothetical party?
Lister: If I had a hypothetical party, Phoe would be hypothetically invited!
Getz: If he had a hypothetical party, Phoe and I wouldn't come because he's such a jerk!
Me: Getz, you should have a hypothetical party of your own the same night. That would show him.
Getz: Yeah, and everyone would come to my party, not his!
Lister: Yeah? I would hypothetically have free beer.
Me: Aww, Getz. You just got hypothetically owned.
Getz: Well I would hypothetically have free beer AND free snacks.
Lister: I would have all my guests picked up in hypothetical limos.
Getz: Bribery! Lister has to bribe people to be his friends!
Me: But didn't you already bribe him to be your friend with those buttons?
Getz: He asked to be bribed!
Kevin: I could bribe someone with a cool Idlewild poster.
Me: So, what music would you guys have? Because as I see it now, the choice is between Rush and Pink, and I don't know if I could take either all night.
Getz: I would have lots of different music! Unlike Lister, I don't listen to just one band. And I would have angry metal for Herd! You'd come to my party, right?
Herd: I would probably sample both parties.
Lister: I would let my guests pick the music!
Me: What if I picked Sufjan Stevens?
Lister: And I'd have Kevin play first! And I'd have Brian DePalma there so Kevin would come!
Me: Would either of you have pirates or ninjas at your party?
Getz: I would have real pirates! Peg legs, parrots, everything!
Lister: Everyone at my party would be dressed like a ninja.
Kevin: This should be a reality show, like those dating shows where people ask how the date would be. Only you would have to actually have these parties afterwards.
Me: OH MY GOD. I just imagined Lister sitting around at a party with Brian DePalma and a bunch of Ninjas, and it was THE MOST HILARIOUS THING EVER.

Then I think Lister tried to draw in George Lucas or something to gain Ponytail Geek's attention, but by that time I had a customer to deal with and wasn't really paying attention anymore.

--I hugged Lister. Who actually, earlier in the day said, "I know where you live," in reference to me having a book checked out I have to return. So when I was leaving, I told him Kevin also said "I know where you live," to me and hugged me on my first last day. Kevin said, in his perfect deadpan way, "We'll always have first last day."