Something I never thought about before I got married:  when you get married you are marrying everyone in their life.  If someone is important to them, you have to be around that person too.  Forever.  Or at least until one of you dies.

I met my husbands parents before I got married.  Liked them fine.  They are not the in-laws you hear about that are mean or treat their daughter in-law badly.  But I feel guilty because I feel nothing for them.  Aside from a mild feeling of inconvenience at having to go out of my way to see them for holidays and stuff (they live out of town) when they aren't my parents.  There would literally be no reason for me to hang out with these people if my husband didn't exist.  We have nothing in common and he has always been the "weird sheep," of the family which means he doesn't have a ton in common with them either.

But like I said, not bad people.  I don't know why I can't make myself like them other than the fact that it's hard to "make" yourself like anything if you just don't.  And I don't think it's strictly because they came into my life when I was an adult--I love my stepmom who I've only known for about roughly the same amount of time.  They're not super warm people, but they're friendly enough.  When I'm actually around them, I usually don't mind them.  But before we're scheduled for a visit I just imagine these waves of judgement coming off of them, and how they must think I'm not good enough for their son.  I'm not working right now--haven't, in years, by choice.  My back hurts all the time so I would rather lay than sit, and they find that odd.  I'm a picky eater and I always feel bad about that.  I sometimes wonder why they (and all in-laws) are so keen to have me at family gatherings/holidays.  They're so nerve wracking for me, filled with people I barely know... which is basically when I'm most anxious in social settings--if I feel close to people and/or know them well, I feel comfortable.  When I'm around total strangers I never expect to have to see again, I am comfortable (because I don't care what they think).  But around acquaintances or people I am kinda going to have to know forever but might not ever know really well, I just hate it.  Before we were married I'd go to my family's thanksgiving/christmas/etc. and send Jeremy to his family's and everyone thought it was so weird.  After we got married we kind of made it so we could schedule in both at both but I'd rather do it the "weird" old way.  Am I a horrible person?  I think I also like having control over my surroundings and when I'm with them I always find myself having to do things their way, which, while not a bad way, is not how I want to do it and it feels bleh.

Worse, I'd say, is one of his friends back from where he grew up.  This person is not a bad person per se but this person is SUPER annoying.  Being around this person is an enormous struggle not to smack this person silly.  Again.  Not really mean or evil in any way, but SO irritating I can hardly stand it.  And this person's going to be in my life forever too.

I guess on the good side is I got a lot of people I actually like who were friends with him before I knew him, but it's just weird.  You can't admit you don't like someone without 1)  feeling like an asshole 2)  causing problems, but you're forced to interact with them on a regular basis, which makes you dislike them even more because no one likes being forced to do anything.

So I agreed to do a wedding video for some people.  It was for free, so I could practice wedding video, as I am doing one for money later on.  A friend who was doing the still photos for this free wedding asked the couple if I could do video at their wedding, they said yes.

It is four months later and I haven't gotten it done.  Part of this is due to health issues...  I have had a really hard time lately... a month long bought of bronchitis so severe that they had to check me for pneumonia stands out especially, but there was the two week itchiness not too long after, and the ongoing battle with depression that seems to get steadily worse no matter how hard I try to claw myself out of it.

Speaking of the depression:  its odd.  Most people I know have something they can point to, or a few things they can point to, but... my life is fine.  There is nothing wrong with it.  But I can't get out of this funk.  I thought it was just laziness for awhile, but my therapist says there's definitely something wrong with me.  I can't even get up the energy to do things I want to do or actually like doing, so it's not just the things I or nobody wants to do that I neglect.

So anyway, along with these problems I have kind of been dragging my feet on doing this project.  It feels similar to what one would call writer's block, only of course with video.  Every time I think of doing it I get sick to my stomach.  Also, to make matters worse, I think they want a DVD, and still, no matter how hard Jeremy & I try, the DVD authoring software mystifies us.  It seems almost pointless to make a great product and then give it to them on a jacked up DVD that makes it look like crap.

I got an email from the groom the other day; it seemed cordial enough.  Something like, "We're moving to Texas soon, we'd like a DVD before we move."  Since I was still grappling with the DVD software, and he didn't give a specific date, I just replied "I'll try my best."

I got a SUPER angry email back from him.  It said that they demand an explanation for the delay, the raw footage if I can't get the video itself done, and that I should be thanking them for the opportunity.  I know it's their wedding and important to them, but I'm not sure why he exploded on me.... it's not like they paid me or even gave up another videographer for me.  No contract was ever written up, I never even really spoke with them directly.

I dunno, I'm not sure what to respond with... I kind of want to defend myself, but that seems like just arguing which wouldn't solve anything.  I'm tempted to take the easy way out and just send them all the raw footage, since the email specifically mentions that I should at least give them that.  As it is, what I had decided on was maybe getting it done THEN emailing them so that I could have something positive to say about myself.  But now... I didn't want to work on it before, and him being such a dick about it makes me REALLY not want to work on it.

Plus I have some paid work that I feel I can't do until I get this sorted out, so I'm putting that off too...

Guh.  This is ALL my fault.  Which is why I'm posting it here where only a couple people read rather than on facebook or whatever.  I don't need to be told that I caused this problem all by myself, because I already know.  If I didn't, I have had Jeremy nagging me about this video for months, too.  But grr.  I hate them and I hate myself.  And this is how I express it.

I'm getting tired of the term "resting bitch face" (i.e. the name for if people think you look angry when your face is just being neutral).

Like, the first time I heard it I was overjoyed. "I'm not the only one!" I thought. Because people have been telling me I look cranky (or my personal least favorite from strangers, the sarcastic "don't smile so much!") all my life.

But now that I hear it all the time, I am thinking it's a normal thing that a lot of people have and maybe you shouldn't feel bad about it and people should just know some people aren't capable of smiling 24/7 with a twinkle in their eye or whatever when they're mentally thinking about their grocery list, the name of the actor who played the character Tron in the movie Tron, or the other sort of minutia that wafts through my head that is neither negative nor positive. So, don't tell me "don't smile so much!" sarcastically or that people look like bitches just because they don't look like you think they should.

So, any day someone tells you that they love you for the first time is pretty cool.  This time it was a small girl named Cecilia.  I was so surprised that I didn't say it back until like five minutes later.  Her response to that was a "mouth toot," in her words, i.e. making tooting noises with her mouth.

I don't know that I deserve said love, I basically just danced on a wet towel for her.  But it's nice.  Partially because it's just a nice thing to feel/hear, but also because I plan on no kids of my own, and the more that are willing to visit me in the nursing home, the better.

Oh blog, I forgot I had you.  I started you when I was a lonely misanthrope and had nothing better to do than to bitch about my life.  Years and years of this stuff, starting fall of '01.  I believe within the first month is my reaction to 9/11 even.  It's not exactly Pepys, but there you go.  Historical events surrounded by the context of my whiny life.  I don't think that bit is public, because I moved the blog at one point because someone I didn't want to found it, but..... there's still probably years of embarrassment in the archives here, too.

Gradually I stopped needing you so much...  I got busy actually living instead of thinking & writing about living.  I got friends and was too busy to write.

I think the final death knell was my addiction to Facebook?  I have more time again now that I'm unemployed but if I have a random thought I generally put it on there, because I know someone is actually likely to read it that way.

I kind of miss it, it's nice having a record of things...  the Facebook stuff will be lost within the sheer volume of silly quizzes and shared links.

I will also never regret it, despite how I cringe when I read some of the oldest stuff.  That blog actually helped me meet people during a very lonely time in my life, and I have good memories of most of them.  One of them, my friend Ryan, I'm actually still friends with.

Anyway, since I am having a fucking awful time trying to fall asleep (as of this writing it is 2:53 a.m.) I'm going to cull a couple of recent-ish thoughts I've posted on facebook, so that 10 years from now I can look on and be embarrassed about this post as well.

5/8:  Last night, half asleep, I went to the bathroom to take a shower. The steam helps soothe my cough. I thought, in passing, "I hope this shower works. If I can't calm down this cough, my volatile mutant powers could be unleashed and destroy the world."

4/6:  Ok, what's up with people who have young children saying they're "x number of months old." Like, everyone does it. Ok, I get it if they're less than a year. But if you say "18 months" I don't want to do math, your kid's a year and a half old, just say that.

 Fun fact: I am not much of a fan of Bob Dylan or Jimi Hendrix but I could listen to Hendrix's version of All Along the Watchtower (orig. by Dylan) for daaays.

Happiness is a warm gun, Beatles? No, no, no. Happiness is a warm bunny. I got one stretched out by my feet right now.

4/5:  DUDE. Stefanie rocks. I was bitching on facebook how we had no food in the house (my fault, for not shopping) and she brought me a pizza! A damn pizza! A damn GOOD pizza! How sweet is that?

3/3:  So Jeremy and I have been playing a lot of adventure games lately. I have weirdly gotten obsessed with jamming things into other things as the solution to all problems. "Hm, try jamming the pitchfork into the glowing cube," or "Jam your knife into that pile of rubble" for example. (These are things I tell Jeremy when he's controlling, which I make him do a lot). I have sadly started being into it in real life to the extent that I decided to jam bunny off a box he was eating with a hairbrush.

Yes, I'm jamming rabbits now. Is the point of this story. I guess.

3/1:  I'm a little bit in love with the phlebotamist at my colon guy's office.

2/20:  Just made custard.... LIKE A BOSS. It's a pain in the butt, but it's the most essential part of making tiramisu.

Plus I had The Avengers help me (thanks, Netflix!)

2/13:  So yesterday I get outside. It is warmer than it has been. I'm like "THIS IS AWESOME IT MUST BE 50 DEGREES OUTSIDE SPRING IS COMING!!" It was like 28 degrees.

Illinois: You'll take what you can get

1/30:  I love how whenever I know a song with weird lyrics, Jeremy thinks I've made them up. First off, there is literally an old song called Boney Maroney that he thought I made up. Then the other day I was singing:

"I got my head checked
by a jumbo jet
it wasn't easy
but nothing is"

Which is Song #2 by Blur, aka the "Woo hoo" song. I only know the actual lyrics thanks to Rock Band, it's not very clear. And he thought I came up with it. Which also puts me in mind of the time I had a friend think I was making up lyrics to Smells Like Teen Spirit. So... people must think I'm really creative. Or really weird. Or both.

I guess I'll take it as a compliment.

And yes, I'm thinking of this stuff cause I can't sleep.

12/15:  Me: Who are you sexting?

Jeremy: My Dad

*pause*

Jeremy: we weren't sexting.

Beep boop

You know, I used to be really awkward. Like, terrible at talking to people. And terrified OF talking to people. Which made me weird & twitchy and terrible at talking to people. Which made me terrified, and full circle. And now that I'm a grown up (more or less), I realize I'm not the only one. Several of my friends have social anxiety, and looking back, I can tell my mom had it too.

I got better at talking to people when I worked at Borders. All the other people there were weirdos who liked the same obscure things I did. They were easy to talk to. And then... after that, even "normal" people were easier to talk to. Maybe also because I was getting older? I've noticed that the older people are, the less they care about the unimportant bullshit about a person, and are less concerned with trying to protect their own image from looking uncool. People like that are the best. And I try to emulate them.

Hence, I now have a great time at parties. I LOVE meeting new people. They all like me. I feel like I'm one of the popular kids. I still have insecurities once in awhile, I worry about being too loud and obnoxious, but... I shove that in the corner and let myself out, who I am, and am liked!

I was thinking of this because my friend Jenny had a party this weekend. It was great... the first half was more like the gathering me and most of my friends usually have, just a few people, all that I'm close with, and always have fun with. It was great... partially because it was an impromptu baby shower for my friend Diana. Jenny had cooked up this activity where she had printed out photos of Diana & her husband Luke, and then she had me and Wendy cut out features and glue them to a baby face to "guess" what their child would look like. Wendy & I gleefully made the pictures as terrible as possible, both freely admitting at the outset that their little girl would definitely get Luke's beard in these pictures. We one-upped each other as much as possible and everyone laughed and laughed. It was wonderful.

Then, later on, other people showed up, as that part was a birthday party for Jenny. Jenny throws really good parties, she always knows all these fun & interesting people who come by. I, for one, no matter how confident I've become, have trouble making aquaintances into real friends or getting them to show up at my house for a party or activity, but somehow Jenny does it.

 Anyway, Jenny later texted me. It made me realize how far I've come, and also how nice/good of a friend Jenny is to say something like this!

 Jenny: Glad you came! You did a great job of breaking the ice for people and made everyone feel comfortable."

 Me: Aww thanks! I'm glad, I had fun too!

 Jenny: Yeah, you were hilarious! It was great!

 Me: Haha, I try. You're awesome too!

 Jenny: Why thanks! So glad Jeremy has you...perfect wife.

 Me: That's what I tell him!

 I giggled at the bit about me being a perfect wife out loud. Jeremy wanted to know why, and I showed him. He said, "Why laugh about that? It's true! You are the perfect wife!" He is so sweet... I think I snagged the perfect husband, myself :D

I feel like a social butterfly lately, AND I LOVE IT. This weekend I had a sort of girl party with my 3 main chick friends, a bachelorette party for a friend I used to work with, a bridal shower for an acquaintance/friend of a friend, and a sort of party at a friend of a friend's place. If I were working, I probably wouldn't want to cram that much into one weekend, but I'm not. Also... I'm thinking of just giving up and working retail because I hate it the least, but it fucking sucks as far as scheduling things goes, esp. for fun stuff like this weekend. Thinking again about the job I can do at home that is really boring. It is superbly flexible. Anyway, it seems like for years now I'll get one group of friends, then they fall apart or move away, and then I have a dry spell and bleh. But lately I feel like I am diversifying my friendship portfolio and I really like it. I love my three core couples, but it is nice to sort of branch out. Hence my delight that I've been hanging out with the friend I used to work with more (also her dude), and have been making friends with friends of friends. I'm also trying to actually schedule things myself instead of being lazy and letting it all happen by itself (or not happen, as the case may be). I do really like seeing people.... It is hard to describe what I am, because I really feel happy when I'm around my friends and get so excited and happy, but I wouldn't call myself a people person because whenever I have to interact with the general public (i.e. not friends or friends of friends) I kind of want to stab them and it fills me with hate and despair. So anyway seeing more (good) people lately is nice.

Had a party at my house last night.  I LOVE HOSTING PARTIES.  It's much better than someone else's party because:

1)  I don't have to drive
2)  I pick out all the food & music so I know I like it
3)  Everyone's there because they want to see ME!

Back when I worked at Borders I did it all the time.  I have not had as many parties in recent years, but I got a wild hare up my ass to do one.  The funny thing is, due to scheduling conflicts not a ton of the people Jeremy & I usually hang out with were able to come.  BUT one a whim I invited a couple other cool people and they came and we all had a lot of fun.  I'll have to do it again soon :D

OH also:

I made blueberry pie and Diana said it was the best blueberry pie she had ever had.  Another awesome thing about parties is when people compliment your pie making ability.

EVERYONE seemed to enjoy my party playlist, several people specifically saying so.  I am ridiculously vain about my music taste/party playlist making abilities,  so that made me HAPPY!

A typical day in the life of Amy:

Hmmm... I need to clean.

Oh, I'll make a new playlist first so I can listen to something while I do it.

Man, now I have to poop.

Finish playlist.

......Wait, what was I going to do?

Does something else.

So I've been having trouble falling asleep.  The other day, I ended up sleeping until 4 pm.  The next night, I purposely didn't sleep at all, and went to bed at a decent hour the night after that.  I thought it would reset me, so I could be normal.... but here it is, 4 a.m. on that night (morning) and I am still up.  Insomnia is NOT cool, man.  Not cool.

When you are unemployed you think you will have so much time to do things.  At least I did.  And I suppose I do, but I am completely terrible at managing my time.  I get sucked in... "I'll just check this funny website/watch one tv show/listen to music a little while" I think.  And what turns out is I surf the internet for hours/watch a ton of TV/fall asleep whilst listening to the music.  So basically I'm a lazy bum.

I always feel vaguely guilty when Jeremy comes home from work and asks me what I did with my day.  He says he is just doing it to make conversation and is interested in my day.  Which, I believe him.  But I always feel terrible when it is like today:  "listened to music, fell asleep, watched some TV."  Some days I do more.... but meh.  I have terrible willpower.  I am trying to exercise it more, but most days?  Meh.  I post my comic, and that's about the only "useful" thing I do all day.

Yesterday was alright.... I did work a little on the website, and did a load of laundry.  That's some progress, right?

Blllluh.  Am trying to be a productive person since I lost the job.  I mean, productive at home, working on the website and trying to keep the house relatively clean, cook for my husband.  Not productive to society because honestly:  I have applied for a job here and there but have not tried seriously.

ANYWAY:  I totally suck.  The last week or two I do barely anything, post a comic a day (some of them already made long ago).  I watch stuff on netflix or fart around on the internet the rest of the time.

Boo-urns.

Well at least I've committed myself to making dinner for Jeremy tonight.

So it's Jenny's wedding today, and I am super pumped!  I actually used to hate weddings.  Or think I did, anyway.  I didn't realize the difference between being at a larger wedding where you don't know anyone, or a smaller wedding where you know a lot of people and/or are actually close to the bride and/or groom.  So I have loved all the weddings I've been to in the last few years, because I'm actually close to the people.

I also feel like I am contributing, which I've become addicted to.  I mean, on the day I don't need the couple to think "Oh Amy's awesome," or anything, but I do like having actually added something to their special day.

So for Julie & Lothar's wedding, the first one I liked, I was a bridesmaid.  I got to be in the ceremony, help plan the bachelorette party, and I guess this isn't exactly contributing to the actual day, but I made 1,000 cranes for them because you can wish for them to have a happy life together then, and gave that to them.  I also know that Julie likes Feng Shui and that sort of thing.  It was a pain in the ass but totally worth it!

I sort of feel bad that I didn't help that much with my sister's wedding, now.  I threw a bridal shower, but it wasn't that great because I was a college student and didn't have any money.  Plus no one liked the games or anything.  Oh and it was super stressful because my mom, my aunt, and my sister's female inlaws kept bossing me around.

Then of course was my wedding where I obv. did a lot for and super loved.  I also loved what everyone did for me, too!

Then at my dad's wedding I got to make the playlist for the reception (which I super love doing) and everyone loved it!  I also got to give a toast and people really liked it too!  Esp. my new step mom!

Now for Jenny's, I get to be an usher and vandalize her car!  To be honest, I wouldn't really like my car decorated, because then you have to go and clean it off afterwards, but the mothers of both the groom and bride really wanted it done so I have carte blanche!  Though I'm not sure if I should vandalize her car, Rob's car, or both of them.  I suppose I'll do whatever car I see!

So I went to a job interview yesterday wearing flip flops.  Yes, it was a tremendously stupid accident.  I just don't really think about my feet much, I guess.  I noticed it AFTER I was there and spent the rest of the time thinking "please please please don't look at my feet," and trying to walk without making the flip flop noise.

Also humbling:  last time I was at Sam's club I bought some baby wipes.  They didn't have grown up ones in stock and they are the same thing, basically.  And its way cheaper to buy in bulk.  I know who I am, I tell people who I am, I am the lady who has to bulk buy wipes because she has enough diahrea she gets chafed if she uses normal tp.  But I cracked 'er open today.  Did the package REALLY need to come with a free sample of diapers?  I died inside, just a little bit.

So things that have happened recently:

1)  I finally let Jeremy rearrange the living room how he wanted to.  I admit:  I am a freak.  I hate it when people rearrange things, at least my things.  But hell, once Jeremy was rearranging things in his closet and I got all weird on him.  I just don't like it.  Anyway the re-arrange is ok, the window is no longer blocked by the TV, which is a big plus.  I'm a little worried about the animals (bunnies are animals of routine and I'm worried he'll do his business where his litter box/cage USED to be, also it re-draws territory that Kirk thought was his, so he keeps chasing the bunny away from his cage & litter etc).  But otherwise, other than my hatred of change itself, it is alright.

2)  Dad had me come to his house and mark things I want to keep.  He's getting rid of things so he can move in with his new wife.  Again, I went into this knowing I would hate it.  However I didn't realize he had done the worst possible thing:  get rid of my stuffed animals.  Seriously... I'd be upset if he got rid of my books or something, but my stuffed animals?  I have this (completely illogical, I admit it) attachment.  I saw velveteen rabbit when I was little & Toy Story too many times after I was older.  They feel like people to me.  So it was bad enough when he said he gave them to goodwill.  It was 100 times worse when he said the ones that looked too worn (AKA the ones I loved most) he threw away.  I don't know how he thought I would be OK with this (he said we talked about it but I remember no such conversation) considering I've saved these animals thus far and am a 30 year old woman.  Why would I save them so long and then be like "yeah it's ok to throw them away."  I'm not mad at him, I'm a freak to be this upset, but I cried and cried.  I still feel horrible... it's like finding out one of your childhood pets was killed and thrown into a dumpster.  By someone you know and love, no less.

3)  Redesigned the website, working more on writing another little quiz/story.  It's fun, now that I have the coding down.  Of course I still have a lot to learn, I only really have the basics right now.

4)  Have an interview for a job at ISU on Thurs.  I kind of didn't want to get another job, and just work on the website, but I changed my mind.  You don't really earn much doing that and I still have bills.  Technically I could live off my savings for quite awhile, but it would be nice not to have to.  Hopefully even if I get a job I can still work on the website and stuff.  It would be cool if I could eventually get the readership I need to make a living without an employer but I think those people are a very lucky few.

5)  Saw Pauly Shore in Peoria!  It was really cool.  I didn't know if he would be good or not, I've only really seen his movies and that doesn't necessarily translate into good stand-up, but he was great.  I also liked the people who opened for him, Sandy Denton (he was actually even slightly funnier than Pauly, in my opinion) and a local guy who I unfortunately didn't catch his name, but was hilarious as well.  I also have a very blurry picture of Pauly, Sandy, my friend Chasity, and me (ch-ch-check out facebook if you want to see it).  The club owner didn't turn on the lights when people were getting pictures of themselves with him, how douchey is that?  But all in all, I had a good time with the weaaaaasel, bud-dy!   It was also nice hanging out with Chasity again, she was a work friend I hadn't really seen since I got fired.

6)  Been playing a lot of Cards Against Humanity, which is really fun.  Ben got it (I had been thinking of getting it when he turned up having it, so bonus:  I didn't even have to buy it or clutter up my house with even more games!)  it's sort of similar to Apples to Apples but it is specifically MEANT for humor, particularly darker or more raunchy humor... cards include things like "two midgets shitting in a bucket," or "Mecha-Hitler."

...and that's all I can remember.

A quiz I wrote to test out my skills at ChoiceScript

So today I came across a song from the 60's that I used to love (well still love?  but hadn't thought about for awhile).  It's funny, when I think about an oldie song, I never know if people I know will get it or not.  My parents were super old when they had me (Dad was like 42, my mom not that much younger) and they listened to oldies in the car when I was growing up.  Whereas I think most people my age's parents were more into classic rock.  Anyway, I try not to be suspicious, but I am, and I feel like running across this awesome song again is a good omen.  Also:  I love the fact that the shitty producers of this video spend more time showing the awful set than the guy's awesome two-necked guitar.  I also love the drummer guy stopping to play the tambourine while still holding onto the drumsticks.

So, I started a website!  buddycopcomics.com  To be honest, I'm not covering any new ground immediately, I'm posting a couple of my old ones first, but I swear there will be new content in the by-and-by.  I just sort of want to cement myself to the theme a little bit, and don't actually currently have any good ideas for anything related to buddy cops.  But I made it the theme because of my existing comics, the buddy cop ones are my only ones that really have a "category."  Other than "shittily drawn," which I think would be a bad domain name.

I have a feeling it won't make profit, not even break even on the $7 a month I am spending for the website, but you have to start somewhere, and $7 isn't a ton to lose.  I'm paying rather than doing blogspot because I've heard for search engines, and people re-finding your site, it is way better to have your own domain.

Still, please please please visit!  Regularly!

Guest post:

by Deckard Cain of the Diablo games.

May 10th, 2012:

Dear Diary,
Why doesn't anyone else love The Cure as much as I do?  Their lyrics make me cry every time.  And they make me a better man.

May 15th, 2012:

Dear Diary,
Why does my niece Leah always get me ties for my birthday?  Enough with the ties!  How many ties does she think I wear?  Does she just think old people need lots of ties?  I don't even wear ties, I would much more prefer a really cool walking stick or cloak.

May 20th, 2012:

Dear Diary,
I was watching It's a Wonderful Life last night.  The scene at the bank always makes me cry!  Also:  I think I can do a really good Jimmy Stewart impression.

---------------

PS these are only funny if you read them outloud in a creaky old man voice.