So as of last night Josh and I are officially broken up. He sent me another email that was nicer than the last one, basically apologetic for what a crappy person he thinks he is. I couldn't tell whether or not he wanted to break up so I called him until he finally talked to me. He said he did want to break up. He wouldn't tell me whether or not he still loves me, which I wish I knew. I told him I felt like he didn't really like me for a long time and our whole relationship was a lie, but he said he did love me for most of it, which made me feel better. We are going to try to be friends, which also makes me feel better. I already lost my boyfriend, I don't want to lose him as my best friend either.

However I still do feel shitty. I feel sort of bad that even though I do feel bad about my mom, I feel worse about my break up. I went to Borders yesterday because I couldn't stand being alone in this house anymore, but then there was no one good there. I realized I didn't belong there anymore, but I haven't found anywhere else I belong either, and that depressed me. I don't know how to belong again, the first time, it was a fluke. Then I just hung around various shops in the area, like Shoe Carnival, Petco, etc. cause I didn't feel like going home again, until I could tell they were getting annoyed with me hanging around not buying anything.

Today I had my first session of therapy, and I'm sort of underwhelmed. Her basic thing about the break up and my mom is to just keep crying and stuff cause I need to get all that out. Her advice about how I hate my job and don't know how to make friends is "you'll find that again someday" even though I explained that I don't even know what job I want, even the stupid stepping stone jobs like going into claims are hard to get into, and I don't know how it was easy to make friends one freaking time in my life, and if I knew how to make friends, I would have more already. She said to not worry so much abour work or no friends while I'm grieving my mom and my relationship. But it's all tied in. I feel defective, and not just because of how things went with Josh.