you don't even know, man

Today was pretty good. When boss-boss is gone (which she has been for a little while) and they don't put me at registers excessively, it's easy to forget I hate my job. Which is why, even though I have applied for a lot of other jobs, I am probably not trying as hard as I should.

Anyway, though, the number one reason I had a great day is I basically just blew $10 on monkeys and candy. I used a merch card, but I still feel a little guilty. Other than that, though, I'm incredibly happy. First off: candy, always good. Secondly: MONKEEEEEYS!

One of the monkeys is a keychain/clip on thing that has been around the store since like March, but I keep being like, "even with my discount, even with a merch card, 5 bucks is way too much." But... when I got the other monkey, I couldn't just leave this one behind.

The other one I got, that I HAD to get, is fucking awesome. He's a valentine monkey, so he's pink and he's got a little red tee shirt with a pink heart. But what makes him awesome is he has these huge, round eyes with huge, black pupils, and they're not even aligned quite properly. He lookes like he's coked up out of his mind. All he needs is a little tiny cigarette in one hand and a switchblade* in the other to complete this impression. I see him going, "You have no idea, man! You have NO idea!" and "you don't know what it's like being pink, man people think they can just push you around, man" or, "The cops are always hassling me, man! You gotta get them off my back, man!" and then getting really close to you, looking you in the eye with his crazy eyes, and whispering, "I think I'm going crazy, man."

On top of this, I mentioned all this to Thug, and he was saying that the monkey should say things Tyrone Biggums has said on Chappelle's Show, and it cracked me up. (the picture looks less coked up than the real thing).

I seriously am going to have nightmares tonight about this monkey coming to life and killing me for crack money. But I still had to get him.

Another great thing that happened today (well it doesn't start out great) is Baby Stealer injured herself in the cafe on this steam thing, and had to fill out an accident report. After awhile she got sarcastic and started describing in detail how "the steam wand charred my delicate hand." I dared her to write, "P.S., I love gnomes!" at the end, and she totally DID IT! She is hilarious and awesome.


Me: you know what is extra terrifying?
Ryan: what's that?
Me: there's this hook on the ceiling over my bed, I'm not really sure why, I've never found anything good to put there.

Anyway, I think I want to hang the monkey there so every morning I wake up to his coked up eyeballs staring at me
Me: poised to leap down on me in the middle of the night with his switchblade
Ryan: haha
Ryan: and then Phoe never slept again
Me: haha yeah
Me: I'm thinking of not doing it, though, because the ceiling is pretty far away and he's pretty small, and I can't see him from there that much
Me: haha so I got a string so he can hang down further
Me: and now the monkey hangs like... eerily close
Ryan: haha
Ryan: you're going to wake up and he'll be right up in your face
Ryan: staring at you
Me: I know, it's going to be awesome
Ryan: haha
Me: oh what the hell, I'm going to put the other monkey up there too
Me: he's to calm down the coked up one
Me: now I have two monkeys poised to leap at me in the night
Ryan: you are so dead


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* Speaking of knives, I have to mention my downstairs neighbor. Dude is obsessed with knives, has a ton of them around his place. The first time I visited him and girl DN, he was all showing me them and telling me how sharp they are and didn't even realize it was creepy till I pointed it out. Ever since then I give him crap for having too many knives and loving knives too much. Anyway, yesterday, I learned that he carries around on his person at all times the biggest possible knife you can legally keep concealed. I think him and my coke monkey should get together and knock over a liquor store.