gah

Goddamn pimples. What am I, 14? Why hasn't my face cleared up?

physics makes us all its bitches

I think I've realized one of the reasons my mom and I don't get along so well. Err, maybe two of the reasons though they might be one reason because they sort of feed each other.

1) My mom doesn't understand 90% of anything genuinely creative or funny

2) She is very worried about appearances.

They feed into each other, because she hates when I do something I think is hilarious or creative, because she thinks it makes me look like a dumbass.

She was giving me shit last night about the origami I have hanging at my appt. Which, she's never SEEN it. Because she never visits me. She said it was tacky and that I shouldn't do it at the new place. But... I get a lot of compliments on the oragami. Even more on the snowflakes. It can't look that bad, can it? I can see lying about it looking good if someone is like, "does my oragami look good?" but these were unsolicited compliments!

And she got mad at me for my Halloween costume I want to do. Since I have decided I don't want to pay a whole bunch of money, I've decided to do what I orig. wanted to be in this really goofy ghetto sort of way. Everyone I've mentioned this to thought it was hilarious. Even my dad. But my mom was all "how could you do that it would look awful you'll embarass yourself" which, it's a halloween party. Is there any costume on earth that you would actually wear on a normal day? No. You're supposed to look stupid.

let's pretend we don't exist

To refresh you (I just wanted to make sure this one was read first).

The sequel

Reactions:

(11:34:06 PM) Me: what's makes that comic most hilarious is I forgot to give Dave Grohl arms
(11:34:18 PM) Stevenson: hahaha
(11:34:41 PM) Stevenson: I didn't even notice that.
(11:34:50 PM) Me: yeah I went back and added them
(11:35:12 PM) Stevenson: Wait, so in the version I have, does he have arms?
(11:35:18 PM) Me: no
(11:35:22 PM) Stevenson: Because they kind of look like they're just hanging at his sides.
(11:35:40 PM) Me: (link) is the revised version
(11:36:17 PM) Stevenson: I like the first one better.
(11:36:22 PM) Stevenson: Can you have him holding his womb?
(11:36:48 PM) Me: hahaha
(11:36:53 PM) Me: now who's fucked up?
(11:37:24 PM) Stevenson: Your mom?
(11:38:31 PM) Me: don't you mean knocked up?
(11:38:36 PM) Me: SHE'S CARRYING YOUR CHILD


(11:36:38 PM) Me: Stevenson says he likes the armless version better than the new vers
(11:37:00 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: I do too, I'm confused what he's doing with his arms now
(11:37:19 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: before I could pretend he was holding them at his side
(11:37:30 PM) Me: that is what Stevenson said too
(11:37:55 PM) Me: man Debbie Harry Zombie is doing some crazy shit with her arms
(11:38:13 PM) Me: and her and garbage chick's pelvises arent' even touchign
(11:38:26 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: I think it's funny that you actually used her real name
(11:38:50 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: and then called shirley manson "that chick from garbage"
(11:39:09 PM) Me: I actually couldn't remember Shirley Manson's name
(11:39:10 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: because I think people are more likely to recognize that name than blondie's real name
(11:39:24 PM) Me: way more people know blondie than garbage
(11:39:41 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch:: they know blondie, but do they know her name?
(11:39:48 PM) Me: I know her name
(11:39:53 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: yeah but you're crazy
(11:45:01 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the halfghost fetus
(11:47:06 PM) Me: OOOOH
(11:47:10 PM) Me: I bet the fetus has magic powers
(11:47:31 PM) Me: if ghost kurt cobain was your dad you should be able to walk thru walls or rock out really hard or something
(11:47:54 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: or not vomit when fucking courtney love
(11:48:15 PM) Me: hahah
(11:48:22 PM) Me: that is some mad skills right there
(11:48:30 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: no joke
(11:48:32 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: super human

what?

God I'm a freak.

more buddy cop action

fuck cosmo

Throw away cosmo. I just solved ALL your man problems.

fix my problems

Today someone asked me, "Are you even in the country?" Yeah, because my strong midwestern accent that is only a single, terrifying step from being the one in Fargo just SCREAMS india. Even after I told her where I really was (I was tempted to tack on a few Bobby's World style "doncha know"'s on there) she was a total bitch to me. I really wish in our messages to agents we could put what the person actually wants and then for our own catharsis add "PS this woman is a hosebeast and I want to kick her in the nads."

Do you know what's really awful, as well? This other lady who told me about this sort of effed up situation she had with her insurance, in a manner that I thought was a joke, and I laughed, and then she was serious and mad at me. I think she seriously (and angrilly) replied to me with "this is no laughing matter," which I really can't ever recall being used in real life to me before.

Also, I think my body is beginning to physically revolt against my job. I've realized when I come home from work, a lot of times I have so much tension in my neck that just touching it is a good way to cause so much pain I want to die. I tend to get this on long trips on the interstate. I've not had it so strongly since I used to work at WEEK. Go figure.

In other news, I have four options on what to do with my life:

1) library science. Pro: I could probably find a decent job I liked and make more money and get more respect. Con: it would cost me BUSHELS of money, and I might not like it anyway.

2) MBA. Pro: I could probably find a job where I made more money and got more respect. I could do it at ISU and not have to commute or move. This is also a degree that the company I'm currently with would help me pay for. Con: I probably still would not enjoy the type of job I ended up with, though anything's better than what I got now. Plus business classes suck. Fuck you, math!

3) Random classes at heartland. I don't know, this seems really BS and like it wouldn't change my life but I was looking at a catalogue of theirs today, and there are some classes I might enjoy. Probably wouldn't help me career wise, so it would be like having a really, really expensive hobby. That at least made me feel productive.

4) doing nothing, hoping it all works out

you gotta let me know

I was telling Ryan yesterday, I really wonder if Brendan Small finds it ironic that he has this formal musical education, and Metalocalypse is going to be what he's famous for.

Anyway, Murmaider, based on his song about killing mermaids.

Here is a comic about interior decorating.

Also: Pyromaniac Zombie & Rick meet the Harlem Globetrotters

fact checking

I even listened to it to make sure I would get it right.

romance

what?

Imagine opening up your email and seeing this.

I have no words.

Wait, I do have some words: despite the strong presence of macaroni and cheese in my apartment, and the carpet that looks similar to mine, this is NOT my own creation.

All my monkeys are pink, and full of coke, not hate.

library science

My monthly "should I get a MLA?" talk with Ryan.

(2:01:15 PM) Me: should I be a librarian, ryan?
(2:01:28 PM) Me: fix my life
(2:02:42 PM) Me: haha I love that for the application checklist
(2:02:56 PM) Me: they include "You need to know where and when you were born."
(2:03:00 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: hahah
(2:03:05 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: I forget!
(2:03:08 PM) Me: I could end up being the smartest person at this college
(2:04:28 PM) Me: three references? what the fuck
(2:04:48 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: that's a librarian joke
(2:04:52 PM) Me: HAHA
(2:04:59 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: you should put "the dictionary, the thesaurus, and the encyclopedia"
(2:05:08 PM) Me: it would be funny if it were on the librarian section, this is just to apply to the school at all
(2:05:31 PM) Me: oh god
(2:05:36 PM) Me: these people need to write letters
(2:05:42 PM) Me: you can't just give them the reference's name
(2:05:47 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: that's annoying
(2:05:53 PM) Me: I don't think I have three respectable people willing to write BS for me
(2:05:57 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(2:07:28 PM) Me: oh wow, I have till like January to apply for this shit
(2:07:38 PM) Me: I don't even have to worry about it right now
(2:07:44 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: wooo
(2:07:46 PM) Me: which is good since I don't even know if I want to do it
(2:08:55 PM) Me: wow, you have to upload your fucking RESUME
(2:09:05 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: yeah that might be a good thing to figure out before you go through the whole process
(2:09:11 PM) Me: and write two essays
(2:09:21 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: wow a resume for a college application?
(2:09:22 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: that's weird
(2:09:30 PM) Me: yeah I know
(2:09:37 PM) Me: they are chodes at U of I
(2:09:49 PM) Me: this is why the fuckers rejected me as an undergrad, too
(2:09:55 PM) Me: actually no
(2:10:04 PM) Me: I did apply and all correctly and there wasn't half of this BS
(2:10:08 PM) Me: but they still didn't take me
(2:10:34 PM) Me: the thing is this is the hardest and most prestigious library science prog in the country, if not the world
(2:10:43 PM) Me: but it's the closest, and if I pull it off I look awesome
(2:11:39 PM) Me: I just don't know if I want to blow thousands of dollars on this, you know
(2:11:40 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: I'm still not sure how they manage to fit a whole degree's worth of information into being a librarian
(2:11:56 PM) Me: well nowadays there's a looot of computer shit you have to know
(2:12:16 PM) Me: it's not like "here's the dewey decimal system, go find a book"
(2:12:34 PM) Me: I don't know, I just don't want to work in retail or a call center anymore
(2:12:36 PM) Me: and I like books
(2:12:36 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: I've worked with librarians for the past few years
(2:12:45 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: most of them aren't anything special
(2:12:57 PM) Me: well school librarians don't usually have a MLA
(2:15:50 PM) Me: man it pisses me off that the local libraries won't hire me for anything
(2:16:04 PM) Me: you really don't need an MLA for a dinky little public library
(2:16:09 PM) Me: and I have a BA
(2:16:25 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch:: I wouldn't think it would be that hard to pick up the work there
(2:16:26 PM) Me: and if I liked it I would know whether or not this is what I want to do with my life
(2:16:31 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: especially if you weren't the head librarian
(2:16:35 PM) Me: exactly!
(2:16:40 PM) Me: I applied for some BS part time job
(2:16:59 PM) Me: I have 2 years of experience in a fucking bookstore
(2:17:31 PM) Me: I think I might've failed my personality test though
(2:17:34 PM) Me: goddamn I hate those things
(2:17:59 PM) Me: all you need to know about me: I won't steal or give you back talk
(2:18:08 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(2:18:17 PM) Me: instead of backtalk, I just go home and complain to Ryan
(2:18:23 PM) Me: you don't have to deal with my attitude at all
(2:18:51 PM) Me: gah
(2:18:57 PM) Me: personality tests are so awful
(2:19:10 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: yeah
(2:19:37 PM) Me: the fuckers don't even have volunteer opportunities
(2:33:34 PM) Me: fuck it
(2:33:42 PM) Me: Ryan, I'm going to become a Stand Up Comedian
(2:33:49 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: haha
(2:33:50 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: do it
(2:33:53 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: you are funny
(2:33:53 PM) Me: I'm going to steal all of Dave Chappelle's stuff and say it's mine
(2:33:59 PM) Me: haha thanks
(2:34:25 PM) Me: man even if I wanted to commit to that I don't even know how. There aren't any comedy clubs in bizzle nizzle
(2:34:40 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: you could start one
(2:34:53 PM) Me: if I owned and operated a comedy club
(2:35:04 PM) Me: I probably would not need to become a comedian or a librarian
(2:35:17 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: you culd be a comediam who owned and operated a comedy club
(2:35:26 PM) Me: haha I could also be an astronaut
(2:35:28 PM) Me: IN THEORY
(2:35:39 PM) Me: but I don't think either is going to happen
(2:36:03 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: you could be a comedian astronaut
(2:36:07 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: and do jokes in space
(2:36:26 PM) Me: I like that we're practical about this

mind your watch my baby

I had a dream last night where I was dating David Cross. He mostly wanted to play video games all the time.

The other dream, I quelled a riot in a bus station with the help of Bernie Mac and my ex Borders coworker Explosion.

thar she blows

Home decorating with your parents is traumatizing. Okay, no. But very, very annoying.
Uh, I'd skip this post if you don't want to read a boring annoying rant about my parents and home decorating.

Seriously, why on earth did I think my mom would be helpful in choosing shit? It just made an already frustrating process, well, more frustrating. Without lending it any of the class I had expected. Which, makes me dumb. I don't particularly like how my parents house looks, so why would I like their suggestions?

Multiple reasons this was awful:

1) My mom either loves or hates something. It's never "that's pretty good" or "I guess you could go with that" it's "I love that and you're crazy to not go with that" or "I hate it why would you pick that?"

2) My mom will never ever tell you the real reason behind anything she feels. She will literally make up a reason for something if she thinks I won't like the real reason. And the bizarre part of it is that usually the real reason is something that is more logical and makes me less angry than the crazy fake reason she makes up, or the often used jewel, "I don't know why, I just feel that way."

3) My dad won't stop bringing up the fact that I've mentioned several times over the years that it was stupid of them to let me decorate my room (aka SATURATE it in bright pink) at home during the like, 3 months in first grade that I was into pink. Not only is that just not the type of thing you want to hear when you're trying to decorate something and second guessing yourself already, I hardly think that it's the same situation. I fucking only liked pink a few months. I have enjoyed the colors I enjoy now for years. It is unlikely they will dramatically change a couple months after I do this.

4) I just... suck at knowing what will look good. I seriously thought in my head at my mother, "This is what I fucking get for bringing someone on board who started decorating shit in the 70's" But then I thought about it, and a couple of the vague maybes I proposed (chocolate brown, olive-ish green) are way more 70's-ish than the shit she was trying to sell me on. I am awful. I do not know what looks good at ALL which is why I thought they'd be helpful.

5) Our big arguement was carpet, in that she thinks dark carpet looks shitty and industrial, and I like it. My reasoning: I fucking hate pastel things. I don't want to live in a goddamn easter egg. Plus, I mean, I'm a slob. I'm going to be spilling stuff on this and trying to clean it. Bright carpet, I like the actual colors. I would probably wear shirts or enjoy websites the color of these bright colors. But in carpet, this is kinda much, especially since I don't want to go too light with the walls. So what does that leave? Dark. Is that industrial? I'd never thought of it like that. Especially since the stuff we were looking at was way more fluffy than industrial carpet. She also thinks it would make the room too dark and depressing. I don't even know if either of those are her real reason for her violent dislike of dark carpet, she was acting pretty crazy and sounding like she was making things up as she went along. I don't really get why people are afraid to make rooms dark. Well... I take that back--the place I live in now is dark. And I actually get what she means, I'm cooped in here all day in the dark. BUT: none of the lights in this apartment are worth a damn, and I can't open the shades in the summer, because I'm usually naked, because of my shitty AC. In a place with decent AC and lights, I really can't see why it would be bad to have a dark carpet or wall paint that isn't basically off-white. But by her standards, the carpet I have in my place now is industrial. Which... my current place looks like a den someone made in the 70's. Ghetto, yes. Lived in, yes. Industrial? No.

6) And what I think is industrial looking.... is white or light walls. I hate feeling like I'm in a goddamn hospital. It's probably an irrational dislike... but really. White walls are awful. Anyway, one of the bed rooms is this major compromise we made. Bright green carpet.... (I got my way in it not being pastel, my mom got her way in it not being dark) and this really light yellow paint because I couldn't justify anything actually good looking not terribly clashing with that carpet. I win in that it's not tan. I dunno, if the room looks good that's good. If the room looks awful and is hard to re sell if I move, fuck it, it's her fault. I'm just glad I stuck to my guns RE: the bathroom. I spend a lot of angry time in the bathroom as is, I don't need to have the tile pissing me off the whole time. Whereas spare bedroom, whatever, I don't care. The other bedroom is just basically a continuation of what I'm doing in the living room. It is basically the only thing we could all agree wouldn't look shitty and I got tired of trying to make all these different rooms be independent of each other and not suck.

7) whoever names paint is just weird. I'm pretty glad I didn't take a liking to the color "thar she blows" because I would really hate it when someone is like, "I love this color what is it" and I'd have to say "thar she blows." I guess if it were one of my friends, I would add in, "just like your mom," but it would be mildly stupid/embarassing with other folks. As is, I have "sailcloth," "pale vista," and "memory lane" all fighting it out in there.

sanity

Nice things about work today:

--the lady insured with a different company who got in a wreck with one of our policy holders who said I was nicer than the people from her own company

--the lady who mentioned her pancreatitis that I weirdly decided to mention MY pancreatitis to, who actually cared and asked me how I got it/if I'd been freaked out at the time.

--sitting by clown guy

--free food

tile

Thank god. I went to a tile store, and not only did they have tile that didn't suck, but they had colors that were actually pretty, novel idea, I know. Now I can just get the tile I like and not have to be the sort of person who gets worked up over tile anymore.

So worth it.

In other news, sometimes I love my parents:

Mom: Why is Dad getting letters from the govt?
Me: Maybe it's his smuggling ring.
Dad: I have a smuggling ring? How come I didn't know about this?
Me: Cause I made it up just now.
Dad: What do I smuggle?
Mom: Pain pills.
Me: Wow, with all the drugs we take, I actually believe that one. Man, we sure are pill poppers.
Mom: Albeit unwillingly.....
Dad: Don't you say that about my oxycontin!

woo

New comic

second new comic

RE: the second one:

(2:32:10 AM) Optimus Prime: who do you know that works at alamo?
(2:32:37 AM) Me: YM's got a second job there now
(2:33:36 AM) Optimus Prime: heh
(2:33:39 AM) Me: I love that I've told this story often enough that I get that response to it

fyi

I appologize to everyone I've encountered in the last month. The experiment where I don't wear deoderant is now over.

To recap: deoderant makes me itch. And I was all, "well I don't do anything physical. I don't sweat much. I bet I could get away without using it."

Then my air conditioner broke.

So yeah, yesterday I smelled myself and was like, "what the fuck?" I felt like someone who realized what Sex Panther smells like AFTER they'd completely doused themselves in it. For a month.

Today I bought deoderant. My dirty hippie instincts are now back to being supressed.

And I appologize if you encountered me in the last month and I smelled like a homeless man. Though really, you owe ME an appology for not letting me know, if you knew, so I could do something about it. And it was pretty bad, so I'm thinking someone knew. But then again, I didn't smell it until yesterday, and I'm around me all the time.

Good news is: I smell awesome now!

free stuff!

Anyone interested in free chocolate?

No, for once I'm not talking about my poo, you sicko.

But, chocolate DOES cause the sort of digestive upset that brings excessive poo. And my parents bought a bunch. And I really, really have been having troubles with it. But I really, really don't want to throw it way.

I have

cherry jelly sticks encased in chocolate (opened).
dove mint caramels (opened).
dove raspberry caramels (unopened).

For that matter, tell me if you like bottled starbucks frappachino, I have some of that because my sister had to get rid of it because she had to cut out dairy (long story) and it is 300X rougher on me than even the chocolate.

CLEAN YOUR ROOM

this conver inspired by A Self Called Nowhere by They Might Be Giants:

Me: why are songs with fake boston accents just fabulous?
Ryan: haha
Ryan: same reason your mom sounds better with a new york accent
Me: HAHA

partay

Does anyone know a good costume rental place? I'm going to YM's halloween party, and it'll be the first time I've dressed up for halloween since I was a little kid. I looked at the costumes you can buy, and not only are they awful*, but they are expensive as hell.

I have something specific in mind, which I wouldn't think would be all that rare, but I couldn't find it. If I can't rent this for a reasonable price, I will be forced to make a really crappy version of it (probably amusing, but I would be stuck all night with "what are you?").

I abandoned my dreams of dressing up as Jared Leto for about the same reason (laziness, not wanting to have to explain all night).
_________
* I'm not even kidding when I say that there were at least five different costumes at the place I looked at where you could basically dress up as poop. There was bull shit, which was poo with horns, crock of shit where I guess part of you is a crock and part of it is poo, etc. etc. I am perhaps the one person on earth most obsessed with poo and joking about it, and even I don't want to dress up as poop.

lame

So today's the first time I have had a caller angrily scream "jesus" at me at my job. As in... "I wanted the address for the Denton office, not the Dallas office! Jesus!"

Also now my left wrist hurts, too. They're going to fucking fall off. I'm wondering if it's more of a repetative stress thing than a carpal tunnel thing, though. I don't feel tingly, just ow-y.