I've decided to stop fucking blaming people for getting tired of my friendship. So from now on every time I think of calling a friend to lay my troubles onto, I'm going to take sleeping pills instead, and play Tetris until they kick in and I can be unconcious.

Work was sort of alright for once. I comforted this lady whose window had been broken and her house set on fire by vandals. I hate when bad things happen to nice people, but I like it when they get routed to me, because nice people make you WANT to help them, not feel like you HAVE to help them.

Then speaking of which, I had a woman whose house was flooded. That's not that weird, but on top of it she'd just had a baby a day or two ago, she was moving and didn't even know if her policy would cover the damage because she'd forgotten to update her address, and her mom has cancer too. She cried on the phone, the big racking sobs that I cry to people on the phone. And said, "it's just so much all at once," the way I have said "it's just so much all at once." I just wanted to reach through the phone and hug her and tell her I know exactly how she feels. I hate that someone so nice was under so much stress, but I liked being a sympathetic voice on the phone for her. It probably didn't help her that much in the grand scheme of things, but I liked being a help to someone who feels like the way I do.

Lastly, I helped a guy who was a total chode more than I had to, and it made me feel like someone who IS nice and does help even people who don't deserve it.

Which is something I've been worrying about lately. I don't know what it is about stress, but it starts making me worry even more about even the things I don't have to. So yes, I've been worrying extra about serial killers. I wake up in the night, and have to check to see if there's a serial killer in my house before I can go to bed again. I lock & close my windows even though I'm 3 stories up.

But the other weird thing I worry about off and on is armageddon. I think the reason why it creeps me out more than just dying for some other reason is that it means that God exists, and I'm probably going to go to hell. Being tortured FOREVER just seems like an unequal reaction to ANY sin. Like... even if you molest children for 60 years, I can see being tortured for 120 years. But like if you shoplift, do you deserve to be tortured for 120 years, much less forever? Or like if you're Hitler, maybe you get to feel everything every Jew you tortured feels, times 2 or 3. But forever? And me... I haven't done much that was actively bad, but I'm not exactly a good person. I give the minimum money to charity, and no time. I've never really done anything unselfless or good. I slide by in every situation doing the minimum. And I've not accepted Jesus in my life, because even though I really do believe in hell, I have trouble believing the good things. Plus, God seems like a dick. I know you're supposed to have faith and whatever, but stuff like Hitler and child molesters don't deserve to exist, I don't care what it does in your goddamn plan. You're god, you're so smart, you can figure out how to teach someone their lesson without it. And man, couldn't you have warned us about the goddamn serpent? Or made us smart enough to realize he's a dick on our own? And speaking of dicks, old testament god is such a bastard. I may not have given to charity, but I've never smited anyone, killed children to prove a point, or turned someone to a pillar of salt for feeling sorry for bad people. But there's a lot of natural disasters and wars, and it's been like a generation since the Jewish people reclaimed Israel, and my dad insists on talking about those first two things when he's not just yakking away about my sick mom & grandpa and I worry that the world is going to end and I'm going to hell forever.

I just wanted one goddamn day where I could forget that I hate my life.

I'm done

Me: one minute, please, while I look up a service provider in your area.
Person in the background: *asks customer a question*
Customer: They won't cover it or something. I don't know, the girl on the phone talks like a retard.

Today someone parked in my parking spot. Usually I don't think I'd get all that mad, but in my head, no matter who actually did it, it's THOSE people with their goddamn dog that barks all day. So I got pretty angry. I left a note saying "Please don't park in my spot," on the car, but in all caps.

I also had Phew Harder's birthday party to attend, it was alright. I was feeling kind of poopy (colitis) yesterday and today, so I wasn't exactly jumping off the walls. I have the Phew's birthday in a few weeks, and my Dad's and my brother in law's. Then my sister in August, my mom in September. I'm the only weirdo born out in Feb.

sdf

Sometimes I really wish I had friends living on the other side of the world, so that I could call them up and talk at 4 am when I can't read or play games on the computer anymore, and start crying.

I dunno. I feel dumb for posting all these self pitying posts all the time, but I feel like I'll go crazy if I don't. If I'm not already.

AMY SMASH

BTW, re: the hulk:

Ed Norton & Tim Roth are actually kind of lame, but by god, Tim Blake Nelson always delivers. I think they're trying to set him up as the next bad guy. And they're definitely going for an Avengers movie.

Anyway, I was reminded of the hulk because I'm very angry. I do dearly love the phrase "hulk smash," and use it awesome, but tonight I'm wanting to say, "Is the Hulk going to have to choke a bitch?" to my downstairs neighbor. Then when they look confused, shoot them and fuck the brain hole.

Seriously...

My downstairs neighbors might just be the biggest assholes in the world.

They bother me about my music all the time, even when it's not really loud.

Okay, I get it. I don't think it's that loud, but it does seem like sounds get through really easily, and I've lived next to loud people before and it's awful.

I do hate that they always say that it's because of their baby though.

In addition: their baby is the loudest most cryingest baby in the world.

But tonight: they locked a dog in their place for hours while it cries the whole time, driving me absofuckinglutely insane. Which, on top of it is against the condo assoc. rules.

So I got the condo president so he could hear it, but of course they weren't home for him to talk about it. He was sort of annoyed at having to be the police, but fuck it, it's the condo rules, so he IS the police for that.

Anyway I pretended like I don't hate their guts and want to get them in trouble, but I will def. be telling him again if they keep it up and aren't just dogsitting or something.

phoemeister (2:22:36 PM): you should fix everything
Suibrom (2:22:59 PM): I have a gun
phoemeister (2:23:39 PM): haha best answer of all time

And no, I'm not suicidal either. Even if I were the suicide type, which I'm not, how much of a monster would I be to do that to my family right now?

Don't worry on that account.

I appologize for anyone who was saddened or offended by "no one who loves me or even gives a shit in the long run." I meant the "long run" bit the most, I'm not saying no one cares now. Things just seem to unravel after awhile, and I never know how to stop it.

Mrs. Peacock's a man!?!?

I need to fuckin' pull myself together, man. Now I've started crying right before/during work. I thought I was coping but it stopped, apparently. I'm sure it looks suspicious that I am always leaving work early (I mean really early, like after an hour there). The thing is I'm sad all the time and I can't stop crying while I'm actually on the fucking phone with customers. And then when I'm fine with that, the stress has got me shitting buckets. Constantly. And I go home early because of that.

Which hurts my already apparently shitty chances at getting an interview for a promotion. My supervisor said I was competative for the things I'm applying to, but I'm not, cause I haven't been getting an interview. I'm going to be in the same shitty soul killing job forever, or until I kill myself, whichever comes first. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't even matter... like, why do I even try so hard to do a good job? No one notices or gives a shit.

And of course, the main reason I'm upset all the time, as always, is my mom. She gets weaker and weaker. She isn't strong enough to operate the on button for one of her portable fans anymore. Her arms are like twigs. She can't stay awake for 5 minutes in a row, but yet she can't fall asleep enough to actually get any rest or energy from it. It feels more and more real every day.

I know it's all emo and stupid and I sound like a whiney baby, but it just seems like I've lost most of the good things in life, or am in the process of doing so, and I'll never get them back. I'll always be in this same goddamn position. Dead mother, shitty health, shitty career, no permanent friends, no one who loves me or even gives a damn in the long run.

gfsfg

Every time I'm so stupid as to think that I'm dealing with everything in my life, and doing alright, I end up having a night where I cry before I go to bed. Guh. I feel like a whiney adolescent for writing something like that, but I really can't make myself get rid of it.

well

One actual drawing made with the aid of Paintshop pro.

A very, very, poor drawing of a planarian

In case you wonder this is what they actually look like

and this drawing by escher was what I was trying to rip off.

Also even though the website it advertises sucks, this shirt is fucking awesome.

here goes

This is part 1 of the origin of Ben FUCKING Franklin & Booker T Washington as buddy cops. I'd meant to make it all one big comic, or at least get more done than what I did, but you will not believe how long it takes to make things in paint shop pro. Like the really cool looking things, like the lightning, take a millisecond. The really simple thing, like putting a frame around each panel--took lots of learnin' Plus, I drew HUGE.

Also: I meant to make BFF a badass, like, a raging lightning storm just wasn't enough thrills for him, but the second panel is so goofy and not at all what I orig. meant. I just found that photo while looking up Ben Franklin on the google and it made me giggle with how goofy it is.

I really should be testing it out by doing something cool with it, as opposed to fucking around with things that are better lo-fi, but I've been in a comicky mood lately.

new comic

First new comic in awhile, here.

I've had the idea forever. As for the "new look" I'm testing out a trial of corel paint shop, i.e. "photoshop for people who don't want to pay $800." I don't know why I used it on a comic, I really draw so poorly there's no point, but I thought it was kind of cool. Enjoy.

The rest of the collection, as always, is at http://www.geocities.com/tribble80.

And for the hell of it, here are some of what I consider my greatest hits:

Obsessed
Honkey Circus
Goals
Your voice is very nasal
Ryan Vs Satire
You should be nice to me
What if a pyromaniac zombie and a vampire hunter were buddy cops?
What if Benjamin Franklin & Booker T Washington were buddy cops?

Also, Meineke fixed my brakes and told me there was no foul play, which was a reeeeelief.

YES

So today I heard No Diggity on the radio.

Yes, you know what this means:

I BROUGHT IT BACK, BITCHES!

In related news: it feels really good to drive around town with your windows down blaring "No Diggity."

well

It takes a very "special" person to rock that haircut:

phoemeister (10:50:46 PM): by the way I'm single white femaling you
CrashMan2112 (10:50:56 PM): that's kinda scary
phoemeister (10:51:06 PM): well I've started hanging out with your friends
phoemeister (10:51:13 PM): and soon I'm going to get your haircut
phoemeister (10:51:23 PM): and a job in claims. Well, hopefully I'll get a job in claims.
CrashMan2112 (10:51:27 PM): nice
CrashMan2112 (10:51:33 PM): that's weird ya know
phoemeister (10:51:42 PM): haha I'm not doing it on purpose!
phoemeister (10:51:51 PM): I lied about the hair thing at least, I'm not doing that
phoemeister (10:51:56 PM): the others are for real though
CrashMan2112 (10:52:44 PM): yeah, you should totally get the haircut... then you can fill in for me when I'm not there
phoemeister (10:52:51 PM): haha
phoemeister (10:53:00 PM): I can get drunk and do rockband
phoemeister (10:53:30 PM): they still make references to your drunk rockband performance
CrashMan2112 (10:53:40 PM): seriously
CrashMan2112 (10:53:46 PM): like what?
phoemeister (10:54:20 PM): apparently it was funny when you were singing bonjovi drunk
phoemeister (10:54:34 PM): and "I saw a million faces and I ROCKED THEM ALL" is now your tagline
CrashMan2112 (10:54:42 PM): nice
CrashMan2112 (10:54:54 PM): I'll just be proud of that

the call is coming from inside the house

Man, I meant this for serious, not in a funny way, when I first typed up this email, but I have to laugh at how weird and hilarious this email would be out of context (i.e. my previous blog post)

"Oh also: yeah I may or may not have time scheduling issues tomorrow
too because someone's trying to kill me and as a result of that my dad
wants to pick up my car at some point to repair the brake line."

The other thing I did today was call two people, tell them "the call is coming from inside the house," and then hang up on them (Ryan & Andy).

RJ, I called, said "macaroni!", and hung up on, a la Me & You & Everyone We Know.

Andi I called, she wasn't there, I left her a voicemail that said "IGNORE ME!" (a la the Venture Bros.) and hung up.

Stuff has mostly been going better for me lately. Saturday I got my new computer, which I mentioned. It's been sort of annoying reinstalling everything and putting all my settings the way I like them, but otherwise good. I thought I broke it right out of the box for a second, but Ryan saved the day, as he is wont to do.

Saturday was also good because I hung out with the people I've been hanging out with sometimes lately, and it was pretty awesome, and not just because I'm a desperate friend-whore right now. Like... I worry a little bit, and wonder if most of them like me or hang out with me out of pity. It just seems a little awkward, they have their little in-jokes, most of them don't laugh that much at my jokes. I guess the point is kind of moot though, because they obviously like me enough to invite me to things, and I really like hanging out with them.

And not just because they have a ton of freakin' awesome board/card games, and enough people around to make them worth playing (though obviously that helps). I've already been totally lusting after Betrayal at House on the Hill for a few years now, and playing it again a couple times has renewed that feeling with a vengeance. They had several other cool weird games too. Then the having enough people thing also kicked in, in that we played Spades, which was ton of fun. Common game... but uncommon for me because it seems like I can never nag more than one person into playing a game with me at any one time, even back when I did have friends I hung out with more (exception: times when I could get Rebecca, Andy, and Julie together--which is when I developed my often thwarted love for Euchre too).

In bad news my brakes are fucked up. My dad and I thought they were just low on fluid, which was true, because filling it up again seemed to have fixed the problem. But the brake light came on again on the way home again, which means I have at least a leak, if not actually some fucker cutting my brake line.

I know that sounds paranoid, but hear me out: in less than six months since I moved here, my tires have been slashed and my car has been keyed twice. Another creepy bit about the tire thing is that my tire iron just maaagically disapeared at the same time (and it's not like I ever take it out of it's place in the car, and before that had sometimes left my car unlocked because I don't have anything of value in there). I don't know if it's a series of horribly coincidental random acts of violence from the universe, the same punk teenagers over and over, or someone with a real vendetta against me.

The first one seems unlikely, who has 5 different people vandalize their car over 6 months? The second one seems unlikely, who vandalizes a nondescript car that clearly has been around since the birth of grunge? Plus I live in a way nicer neighborhood than before, where my car, parked on the street, was only vandalized once in the year & a half I lived there. Plus, no one else in my building has had their car vandalized.

The third seems unlikely too, but who knows. If it is a person with something against me, it makes me way angrier than the previous things, because cutting someone's brake line makes my car unsafe. I could die because this fucker is angry at me and won't just tell me and get it over with.

Or if you want a snappier version of the brake complaining:

phoemeister (10:39:57 PM): I think someone is trying to kill me
CrashMan2112 (10:40:05 PM): why do you say that?
phoemeister (10:40:15 PM): my brake line is leaking
phoemeister (10:40:21 PM): I think someone cut it
phoemeister (10:40:27 PM): because someone keeps vandalizing my car
CrashMan2112 (10:40:29 PM): that's a bit mean
phoemeister (10:40:37 PM): yeah plus I mean
phoemeister (10:40:45 PM): who goes after a 1994 Camry
phoemeister (10:40:53 PM): I get it if you drive a Bentley or something
CrashMan2112 (10:43:52 PM): does anyone dislike you that you know of
phoemeister (10:44:42 PM): I dunno. If it's anyone it's my downstairs neighbors
phoemeister (10:45:04 PM): but like... asking me to turn my music down a couple times seems like it doesn't equal trying to kill me
CrashMan2112 (10:45:15 PM): to some it would
phoemeister (10:45:24 PM): but it's all happened since I moved here and I don't know anyone else here who has reason to dislike me
phoemeister (10:45:43 PM): well they do seem like fairly angry people, I hear them yelling at each other and their baby pretty often
CrashMan2112 (10:48:58 PM): maybe you should go take the stems out of their tires
phoemeister (10:49:47 PM): haha

Anyway it depresses me, esp. since I've been thinking about some other stuff lately too.

woo woo

NEW COMPUTER

Bad bit: my antivirus is an asshole and I don't feel comfortable internetting it up that much until then.

All and all: good stuff.