Something I never thought about before I got married:  when you get married you are marrying everyone in their life.  If someone is important to them, you have to be around that person too.  Forever.  Or at least until one of you dies.

I met my husbands parents before I got married.  Liked them fine.  They are not the in-laws you hear about that are mean or treat their daughter in-law badly.  But I feel guilty because I feel nothing for them.  Aside from a mild feeling of inconvenience at having to go out of my way to see them for holidays and stuff (they live out of town) when they aren't my parents.  There would literally be no reason for me to hang out with these people if my husband didn't exist.  We have nothing in common and he has always been the "weird sheep," of the family which means he doesn't have a ton in common with them either.

But like I said, not bad people.  I don't know why I can't make myself like them other than the fact that it's hard to "make" yourself like anything if you just don't.  And I don't think it's strictly because they came into my life when I was an adult--I love my stepmom who I've only known for about roughly the same amount of time.  They're not super warm people, but they're friendly enough.  When I'm actually around them, I usually don't mind them.  But before we're scheduled for a visit I just imagine these waves of judgement coming off of them, and how they must think I'm not good enough for their son.  I'm not working right now--haven't, in years, by choice.  My back hurts all the time so I would rather lay than sit, and they find that odd.  I'm a picky eater and I always feel bad about that.  I sometimes wonder why they (and all in-laws) are so keen to have me at family gatherings/holidays.  They're so nerve wracking for me, filled with people I barely know... which is basically when I'm most anxious in social settings--if I feel close to people and/or know them well, I feel comfortable.  When I'm around total strangers I never expect to have to see again, I am comfortable (because I don't care what they think).  But around acquaintances or people I am kinda going to have to know forever but might not ever know really well, I just hate it.  Before we were married I'd go to my family's thanksgiving/christmas/etc. and send Jeremy to his family's and everyone thought it was so weird.  After we got married we kind of made it so we could schedule in both at both but I'd rather do it the "weird" old way.  Am I a horrible person?  I think I also like having control over my surroundings and when I'm with them I always find myself having to do things their way, which, while not a bad way, is not how I want to do it and it feels bleh.

Worse, I'd say, is one of his friends back from where he grew up.  This person is not a bad person per se but this person is SUPER annoying.  Being around this person is an enormous struggle not to smack this person silly.  Again.  Not really mean or evil in any way, but SO irritating I can hardly stand it.  And this person's going to be in my life forever too.

I guess on the good side is I got a lot of people I actually like who were friends with him before I knew him, but it's just weird.  You can't admit you don't like someone without 1)  feeling like an asshole 2)  causing problems, but you're forced to interact with them on a regular basis, which makes you dislike them even more because no one likes being forced to do anything.

So I agreed to do a wedding video for some people.  It was for free, so I could practice wedding video, as I am doing one for money later on.  A friend who was doing the still photos for this free wedding asked the couple if I could do video at their wedding, they said yes.

It is four months later and I haven't gotten it done.  Part of this is due to health issues...  I have had a really hard time lately... a month long bought of bronchitis so severe that they had to check me for pneumonia stands out especially, but there was the two week itchiness not too long after, and the ongoing battle with depression that seems to get steadily worse no matter how hard I try to claw myself out of it.

Speaking of the depression:  its odd.  Most people I know have something they can point to, or a few things they can point to, but... my life is fine.  There is nothing wrong with it.  But I can't get out of this funk.  I thought it was just laziness for awhile, but my therapist says there's definitely something wrong with me.  I can't even get up the energy to do things I want to do or actually like doing, so it's not just the things I or nobody wants to do that I neglect.

So anyway, along with these problems I have kind of been dragging my feet on doing this project.  It feels similar to what one would call writer's block, only of course with video.  Every time I think of doing it I get sick to my stomach.  Also, to make matters worse, I think they want a DVD, and still, no matter how hard Jeremy & I try, the DVD authoring software mystifies us.  It seems almost pointless to make a great product and then give it to them on a jacked up DVD that makes it look like crap.

I got an email from the groom the other day; it seemed cordial enough.  Something like, "We're moving to Texas soon, we'd like a DVD before we move."  Since I was still grappling with the DVD software, and he didn't give a specific date, I just replied "I'll try my best."

I got a SUPER angry email back from him.  It said that they demand an explanation for the delay, the raw footage if I can't get the video itself done, and that I should be thanking them for the opportunity.  I know it's their wedding and important to them, but I'm not sure why he exploded on me.... it's not like they paid me or even gave up another videographer for me.  No contract was ever written up, I never even really spoke with them directly.

I dunno, I'm not sure what to respond with... I kind of want to defend myself, but that seems like just arguing which wouldn't solve anything.  I'm tempted to take the easy way out and just send them all the raw footage, since the email specifically mentions that I should at least give them that.  As it is, what I had decided on was maybe getting it done THEN emailing them so that I could have something positive to say about myself.  But now... I didn't want to work on it before, and him being such a dick about it makes me REALLY not want to work on it.

Plus I have some paid work that I feel I can't do until I get this sorted out, so I'm putting that off too...

Guh.  This is ALL my fault.  Which is why I'm posting it here where only a couple people read rather than on facebook or whatever.  I don't need to be told that I caused this problem all by myself, because I already know.  If I didn't, I have had Jeremy nagging me about this video for months, too.  But grr.  I hate them and I hate myself.  And this is how I express it.

I'm getting tired of the term "resting bitch face" (i.e. the name for if people think you look angry when your face is just being neutral).

Like, the first time I heard it I was overjoyed. "I'm not the only one!" I thought. Because people have been telling me I look cranky (or my personal least favorite from strangers, the sarcastic "don't smile so much!") all my life.

But now that I hear it all the time, I am thinking it's a normal thing that a lot of people have and maybe you shouldn't feel bad about it and people should just know some people aren't capable of smiling 24/7 with a twinkle in their eye or whatever when they're mentally thinking about their grocery list, the name of the actor who played the character Tron in the movie Tron, or the other sort of minutia that wafts through my head that is neither negative nor positive. So, don't tell me "don't smile so much!" sarcastically or that people look like bitches just because they don't look like you think they should.

So, any day someone tells you that they love you for the first time is pretty cool.  This time it was a small girl named Cecilia.  I was so surprised that I didn't say it back until like five minutes later.  Her response to that was a "mouth toot," in her words, i.e. making tooting noises with her mouth.

I don't know that I deserve said love, I basically just danced on a wet towel for her.  But it's nice.  Partially because it's just a nice thing to feel/hear, but also because I plan on no kids of my own, and the more that are willing to visit me in the nursing home, the better.

Oh blog, I forgot I had you.  I started you when I was a lonely misanthrope and had nothing better to do than to bitch about my life.  Years and years of this stuff, starting fall of '01.  I believe within the first month is my reaction to 9/11 even.  It's not exactly Pepys, but there you go.  Historical events surrounded by the context of my whiny life.  I don't think that bit is public, because I moved the blog at one point because someone I didn't want to found it, but..... there's still probably years of embarrassment in the archives here, too.

Gradually I stopped needing you so much...  I got busy actually living instead of thinking & writing about living.  I got friends and was too busy to write.

I think the final death knell was my addiction to Facebook?  I have more time again now that I'm unemployed but if I have a random thought I generally put it on there, because I know someone is actually likely to read it that way.

I kind of miss it, it's nice having a record of things...  the Facebook stuff will be lost within the sheer volume of silly quizzes and shared links.

I will also never regret it, despite how I cringe when I read some of the oldest stuff.  That blog actually helped me meet people during a very lonely time in my life, and I have good memories of most of them.  One of them, my friend Ryan, I'm actually still friends with.

Anyway, since I am having a fucking awful time trying to fall asleep (as of this writing it is 2:53 a.m.) I'm going to cull a couple of recent-ish thoughts I've posted on facebook, so that 10 years from now I can look on and be embarrassed about this post as well.

5/8:  Last night, half asleep, I went to the bathroom to take a shower. The steam helps soothe my cough. I thought, in passing, "I hope this shower works. If I can't calm down this cough, my volatile mutant powers could be unleashed and destroy the world."

4/6:  Ok, what's up with people who have young children saying they're "x number of months old." Like, everyone does it. Ok, I get it if they're less than a year. But if you say "18 months" I don't want to do math, your kid's a year and a half old, just say that.

 Fun fact: I am not much of a fan of Bob Dylan or Jimi Hendrix but I could listen to Hendrix's version of All Along the Watchtower (orig. by Dylan) for daaays.

Happiness is a warm gun, Beatles? No, no, no. Happiness is a warm bunny. I got one stretched out by my feet right now.

4/5:  DUDE. Stefanie rocks. I was bitching on facebook how we had no food in the house (my fault, for not shopping) and she brought me a pizza! A damn pizza! A damn GOOD pizza! How sweet is that?

3/3:  So Jeremy and I have been playing a lot of adventure games lately. I have weirdly gotten obsessed with jamming things into other things as the solution to all problems. "Hm, try jamming the pitchfork into the glowing cube," or "Jam your knife into that pile of rubble" for example. (These are things I tell Jeremy when he's controlling, which I make him do a lot). I have sadly started being into it in real life to the extent that I decided to jam bunny off a box he was eating with a hairbrush.

Yes, I'm jamming rabbits now. Is the point of this story. I guess.

3/1:  I'm a little bit in love with the phlebotamist at my colon guy's office.

2/20:  Just made custard.... LIKE A BOSS. It's a pain in the butt, but it's the most essential part of making tiramisu.

Plus I had The Avengers help me (thanks, Netflix!)

2/13:  So yesterday I get outside. It is warmer than it has been. I'm like "THIS IS AWESOME IT MUST BE 50 DEGREES OUTSIDE SPRING IS COMING!!" It was like 28 degrees.

Illinois: You'll take what you can get

1/30:  I love how whenever I know a song with weird lyrics, Jeremy thinks I've made them up. First off, there is literally an old song called Boney Maroney that he thought I made up. Then the other day I was singing:

"I got my head checked
by a jumbo jet
it wasn't easy
but nothing is"

Which is Song #2 by Blur, aka the "Woo hoo" song. I only know the actual lyrics thanks to Rock Band, it's not very clear. And he thought I came up with it. Which also puts me in mind of the time I had a friend think I was making up lyrics to Smells Like Teen Spirit. So... people must think I'm really creative. Or really weird. Or both.

I guess I'll take it as a compliment.

And yes, I'm thinking of this stuff cause I can't sleep.

12/15:  Me: Who are you sexting?

Jeremy: My Dad

*pause*

Jeremy: we weren't sexting.

Beep boop

You know, I used to be really awkward. Like, terrible at talking to people. And terrified OF talking to people. Which made me weird & twitchy and terrible at talking to people. Which made me terrified, and full circle. And now that I'm a grown up (more or less), I realize I'm not the only one. Several of my friends have social anxiety, and looking back, I can tell my mom had it too.

I got better at talking to people when I worked at Borders. All the other people there were weirdos who liked the same obscure things I did. They were easy to talk to. And then... after that, even "normal" people were easier to talk to. Maybe also because I was getting older? I've noticed that the older people are, the less they care about the unimportant bullshit about a person, and are less concerned with trying to protect their own image from looking uncool. People like that are the best. And I try to emulate them.

Hence, I now have a great time at parties. I LOVE meeting new people. They all like me. I feel like I'm one of the popular kids. I still have insecurities once in awhile, I worry about being too loud and obnoxious, but... I shove that in the corner and let myself out, who I am, and am liked!

I was thinking of this because my friend Jenny had a party this weekend. It was great... the first half was more like the gathering me and most of my friends usually have, just a few people, all that I'm close with, and always have fun with. It was great... partially because it was an impromptu baby shower for my friend Diana. Jenny had cooked up this activity where she had printed out photos of Diana & her husband Luke, and then she had me and Wendy cut out features and glue them to a baby face to "guess" what their child would look like. Wendy & I gleefully made the pictures as terrible as possible, both freely admitting at the outset that their little girl would definitely get Luke's beard in these pictures. We one-upped each other as much as possible and everyone laughed and laughed. It was wonderful.

Then, later on, other people showed up, as that part was a birthday party for Jenny. Jenny throws really good parties, she always knows all these fun & interesting people who come by. I, for one, no matter how confident I've become, have trouble making aquaintances into real friends or getting them to show up at my house for a party or activity, but somehow Jenny does it.

 Anyway, Jenny later texted me. It made me realize how far I've come, and also how nice/good of a friend Jenny is to say something like this!

 Jenny: Glad you came! You did a great job of breaking the ice for people and made everyone feel comfortable."

 Me: Aww thanks! I'm glad, I had fun too!

 Jenny: Yeah, you were hilarious! It was great!

 Me: Haha, I try. You're awesome too!

 Jenny: Why thanks! So glad Jeremy has you...perfect wife.

 Me: That's what I tell him!

 I giggled at the bit about me being a perfect wife out loud. Jeremy wanted to know why, and I showed him. He said, "Why laugh about that? It's true! You are the perfect wife!" He is so sweet... I think I snagged the perfect husband, myself :D

I feel like a social butterfly lately, AND I LOVE IT. This weekend I had a sort of girl party with my 3 main chick friends, a bachelorette party for a friend I used to work with, a bridal shower for an acquaintance/friend of a friend, and a sort of party at a friend of a friend's place. If I were working, I probably wouldn't want to cram that much into one weekend, but I'm not. Also... I'm thinking of just giving up and working retail because I hate it the least, but it fucking sucks as far as scheduling things goes, esp. for fun stuff like this weekend. Thinking again about the job I can do at home that is really boring. It is superbly flexible. Anyway, it seems like for years now I'll get one group of friends, then they fall apart or move away, and then I have a dry spell and bleh. But lately I feel like I am diversifying my friendship portfolio and I really like it. I love my three core couples, but it is nice to sort of branch out. Hence my delight that I've been hanging out with the friend I used to work with more (also her dude), and have been making friends with friends of friends. I'm also trying to actually schedule things myself instead of being lazy and letting it all happen by itself (or not happen, as the case may be). I do really like seeing people.... It is hard to describe what I am, because I really feel happy when I'm around my friends and get so excited and happy, but I wouldn't call myself a people person because whenever I have to interact with the general public (i.e. not friends or friends of friends) I kind of want to stab them and it fills me with hate and despair. So anyway seeing more (good) people lately is nice.